Work Text:
Darnold was becoming sick of Benrey’s bullshit. He’d spent the least amount of time with him compared to the Science Team, but he was quickly realizing Benrey put on one of two acts. Sometimes, he pretended to be perfectly human, nothing strange to see here at all, just don’t look too close, okay? Smile :). The other half of the time, he turned the alien act up as much as he could, acting like he didn’t understand the basics of human life, like sleeping or chewing food.
Darnold wasn’t stupid. He knew both acts were a goddamn lie. He hadn’t been on Xen with the rest of them, but Tommy had told him all about how Benrey had grown forty feet tall and floated through islands and transformed into wretched shapes that something that once appeared human should never turn into. Hell, even in his own lab, he’d watched Gordon Freeman unload a gun full of fingernails into Benrey’s face, and Benrey’s only reaction had been to mock him. The guy sure as hell wasn’t a normal human by any stretch of the imagination.
The hapless alien shtick, however, was just as much of a joke. Sure, he might not be human, but that was the case with a surprising number of Darnold’s coworkers, and Benrey had been working for Black Mesa a while . Longer than Gordon, certainly. He’d been on Earth long enough to know about things like lasagna or video game executives or mayonnaise. He had opinions about movie formats, for Christ’s sake. He’d been passing as human long enough to befriend most of the security team. It wasn’t like he’d been kicked out of a UFO just an hour before the Resonance Cascade kicked off.
Which meant when Benrey poked around his lab and asked him about mundane things, Darnold knew it was just to annoy him. Unfortunately for Darnold, it was extremely effective.
“What’s this potion do?”
Darnold bit back an annoyed sigh and dragged his eyes away from his work to figure out whatever the hell Benrey had gotten his hands on this time. “That’s coffee,” He said, trying and failing to keep the irritation from his voice.
“Coffee?” Benrey repeated. His expression was deceptively blank. “That’s a funny name. What’s it do though?”
Darnold was not a violent man. He took pride in the fact that his murder count was the lowest out of his friends’ (a big fat zero murders!). But Benrey was doing a remarkable job of trying his patience. “It keeps people awake, mostly. And it makes you shit,” He added as an afterthought.
“That’s awesome. Humans love being awake and shitting.” Benrey downed the whole mug of coffee in one go. Darnold tried to convince himself it was a blessing that Benrey hadn’t bitten a chunk out of the mug this time. He liked that mug. It had cats on it.
He took a deep breath, counted to ten, and returned his focus to his work. Right on cue, Benrey began poking at something else in his lab.
“What happens if I press this button?”
That was probably one of the most concerning questions Benrey could ask in a laboratory. Thankfully, he was only standing in front of the Keurig. “It’ll make coffee.” Darnold didn’t even try to steer his tone away from “babysitting a troublesome younger cousin who wants nothing more than to steal your Yugioh cards.” Benrey wasn’t worth the effort. “It heats water, and then presses that water through the coffee gr-”
Benrey clicked the button before Darnold could finish his explanation of how coffee makers work. They both watched blankly as coffee gurgled through the spout and splattered onto where the mug would sit if it wasn’t sitting several feet away where Benrey had abandoned it on the counter. Neither of them spoke until the Keurig spat out its last few drops. Coffee dripped off the sides of the counter and onto the floor.
“So cool,” Benrey eventually said. There was the barest hint of mirth at the edge of his monotone. “Humans are the best. I hope I never leave.”
Darnold didn’t manage to bite back his groan that time, dropping his face into his hands. “I wish you would .”
As soon as he said it, he knew it was a mistake. What Benrey wanted, first and foremost, was attention. It didn’t matter if it was positive or negative attention. That’s why he and Gordon were locked in each other’s orbit like the universe’s most toxic planetary bodies. Volatile attention whores, the both of them. Darnold peeked through his fingers in the hopes that Benrey hadn’t heard him. No dice. There was a smug grin on Benrey’s face and a dangerous glint in his eyes. Letting Benrey know that his attempts to be annoying were successful was like coating yourself in barbecue sauce and laying down in a lion’s den. Darnold was screwed.
Benrey shoved his hands in his pockets and sauntered over to Darnold’s workbench in a way that was probably supposed to look casual. Darnold forced himself to ignore him and return to his careful measurements. Benrey stood over the workbench and watched him work in silence for approximately four seconds.
“Whatcha making?” Benrey asked, the image of innocent curiosity. Darnold was beginning to understand why Dr. Freeman had shot him so many times. He kept in mind his pride in being the only member of the Neo Science Team without blood on his hands, and he forced himself to sound as patient as possible.
“I’m working on my Evil Powerade potion. This is the closest to perfect I’ve gotten, I only need a few more-”
Benrey snatched the still boiling beaker off the workbench and downed it in one go. Darnold stared at him, mouth agape, as Benrey smacked his lips thoughtfully. “Needs more salt,” He said, matter-of-factly.
Ten minutes later, Tommy was trying to calm Darnold down over the phone. “It- It happens to the best of us!”
“Not me, though!” Darnold’s voice was reaching shrill levels of alarm.
“Well, now you- we’ve all killed Benrey at least once at this point!” Tommy sounded remarkably upbeat for someone who’d just been told his best friend was now a corpse on his other friend’s floor.
“How long does this sort of thing normally las-”
“Haha, check it,” Benrey interrupted him for the third time that afternoon. Darnold leaned over his bench to look at the former corpse, who had scooted a few inches over so the coffee that was still dripping off the counter could land directly in his mouth. He grinned when he knew Darnold was looking at him. Darnold felt vaguely ill watching the coffee drip onto a nose that Benrey hadn’t bothered to put back in its proper position on his face. “Check it,” Benrey repeated, “Drip coffee.”
“Tommy,” Darnold said into his phone, keeping his voice level, “Can I kill him again?”
“Sure!” Tommy’s grin was evident even through his phone speakers. “I’ll tell Bu- I’ll get Bubby to update the murder tally!”
Darnold, needless to say, did not get much work done on his potions that afternoon.