Work Text:
It’s over.
All of my warriors were dead - or else retreated into the earth to conserve their strength. Onigiri is one of them, felled by a sword. My men were attacked by a slew of arrows, knocking them from their horses and sending them amok. Even my own horse had taken too many attacks to stand, and so I was on my last legs, wobbling, trying to escape the battlefield.
I knew it was a losing game the minute I saw the archers. Tokugawa’s men had been prepared this time.
Around me, I realize men are riding up, surrounding my position. I stop, head lifted back to the sky. It’s starting to rain, and these men are finally taking in ‘Aguri’, presumably to be a prisoner of the current shogun - or a plaything, should the truth of my sex be revealed. I level my eyes at the man who leads them, who has dismounted and pulled a scroll from his pocket. A writ of all the deeds I’ve committed, I’m sure. All the gold, food, and resources I’ve stolen (that I’ve given back to the people), all of the death I’ve dealt (in revenge for my clans), every little law I’ve violated (in retaliation to the violence all around me). I could listen to the man drone on and on, but I know something he doesn’t.
So I draw my sword.
These men all know wisely to fear me, and they back up, their horses whining and jittering from seeing my blade, for the first time in years, blaze into fire for a brief second. I know he is with me in that moment, watching over me. Vox, my love. My only love. How I wish, yet briefly, to return to you .
I hold the sword outreached. And then I turn it in on myself, and drive it into the weak part of my armor just above my heart.
Horses and men recoil at the sight. I hear the men swear as I fall upon the earth, pulling the sword from my still-bleeding breast. I lay on the ground and let the pain effuse over my body. I close my eyes.
I sink into the earth, my spirit gone.
I’ve fulfilled my life’s mission. I will not be the last Tanaka.
And I will not be the last Gen.
Satisfied in the knowledge, I sink into the world of demons.
***
I’ve finally fucking figured it out.
***
I wake in the middle of the night and creep out from the pile of bodies we’d made in slumber. I grab Vox’s haori from the bedpost and pull it on before walking out into the dark living room. I turn on a single lamp by the couch, sit down, and pull over my laptop.
This time, I know exactly what I’m searching for.
I don’t know how I’d taken so long to pull it together, but everything finally makes sense. The dreams, the concubine, the name “Gen”. It all made sense. As I search for “Tanaka Gen” in the dark web, my suspicions are only confirmed. I plug them into my family tree. I check it over and over again.
And then I take a deep breath and return to the bedroom, laptop in my arms.
As I open the door, the dimmed light from the lamp glows over the head of the bed, right into Vox’s face. I see him stir, then blink his eyes open. He seems stunned, confused, and he sits up slowly as I approach him.
“Tanaka?” he asks. “Is something wrong?”
I smile, though it takes so much effort with how tired I am. I sit next to him and show him my laptop.
“I finally finished the project I was telling you about.”
After a moment’s pause, as if to take in how important this was to me (and in the middle of the night, no less), Vox takes the laptop and pulls it over into his lap. I watch him scan the first few lines, and his eyes go wide. Then, his eyes drop to the bottom of my family tree.
Quietly, I begin to explain.
“For the longest time, especially lately, I’ve been having dreams of being somebody that I’m not. But I was too scared to bring it up with you. I . . . knew that you’d know some things, but I wanted to figure it out on my own. Fill in the blanks,” I say. “So I went through my family tree. All of the Tanakas, all of my ancestors. All the way back to . . .”
I trail off. He seems stunned into silence, staring at the screen, but he says the name easily enough.
“Tanaka Gen.”
I nod. “They were your lover, weren’t they?” He looks over at me, his eyes molten gold, but I continue regardless. “The dreams I have of you two, they’re very happy ones. They found solace in the Akuma clan after their own was destroyed, more than I think you know. It made them happy. You made them happy. And I think . . .” I put a hand to my chest. “If reincarnation exists . . . well. Shoto did say my mana was really old. I can only imagine-”
I watch as Vox shakes his head. He puts the laptop down on the side table and leans over to pull me into his arms.
I reach up to hug him back, eyes closed. I let him speak.
“. . . Gen. Gen .”
My heart swells. I can feel tears budding in my eyes. But I know what he wants to ask. And, after a moment, he does.
“. . . what happened to them, after . . .?”
I pull back slightly, just enough to look him in the eye. “They became a warrior who fought on behalf of the clan, named the ‘Aguri’, or the unwanted. They led demons - like Onigiri - into battle. They gave birth to a baby boy named Tanaka Hajime, who restarted the rest of the Tanaka clan. Gen died years later, in 1644, and chose to impale themselves rather than go into servitude under the shogunate.”
He takes in my words without a sound, his eyes just glimmering further and further with tears. His hands come up to cradle my jaw, and he leans in and kisses my forehead. I can feel his tears fall onto my skin.
“You stupid, stupid boy,” he says, though his voice is heavy, full of tears. “You didn’t have to do all of this for me.”
I don’t know if he’s talking to me, or Gen. Still, I reach up and tangle my fingers in his hair. “I wanted to,” I answer. “I . . . I wanted my own answers. So I found them. I found them for the both of us.”
“Did Ike know?”
“He helped.”
“Was Gen one of the demons who . . .?”
I pause at that, and think. “. . . back when I was kidnapped by Jeanne, and I fought back,” I say, “There was a figure, similar to Gen, who fought on my behalf. But I don’t . . . know anything more than that.”
“. . . so they have become the very thing they commanded and commended,” he sighs. Vox finally buries his face into my shoulder. His voice is heavy again. “I . . . I don’t know how to ever thank you, Tanaka.”
My eyes water. I sniffle, and suddenly I can’t help but cry. I bury my face in his shoulder and pull him close. “I love you, Vox,” I whimper. “So much.”
“I love you, too.”
I feel, for the briefest moment, like I can never be happier than in this very moment. In this moment, we are both free from burdens.
It’s all I want.