Work Text:
'I love you, but...'
Olivia sighed and opened the door to her apartment. Warm air greeted her with tangy, sweet aromas of tomato, basil, and oregano. Lasagne night. Alex loved making it. The smell roaming through the apartment was second nature to her but still Olivia welcomed it, although tonight her smile didn’t show.
"Hey.” Alex greeted her warmly with a glance over her shoulder. “The food will be ready in twenty minutes." She spoke from the couch, sitting in a t-shirt and jeans with a kindle in one hand and a mug in the other.
Jeans. Alex lounged in the Nordstrom blues like someone would a pair of sweatpants; her t-shirt a white too crisp, too perfect; the fabric thick and strong, not revealing anything underneath. Lastly, around her wrist, a thin gold watch.
Eight months without a job and Alex barely flinched. She also faithfully managed to pay half the rent.
"How was your day?"
Olivia shrugged off her jacket and dropped her keys in the dish by the door. "You don’t know?" She feigned confusion with a bit of snark and moved to the couch, laying her jacket over the armrest.
“Should I?” Alex smiled. "What are you talking about?"
"We need to talk."
Suddenly quiet, Alex’s gaze followed her into the living room. "About what?"
Olivia sat on the edge of the coffee table across from Alex and Alex turned, planted her feet on the floor, and set her mug on the table's corner.
“You’re scaring me Liv.”
Olivia kept quiet, readying the right words to say. "We were searching for a woman being held hostage today."
"Okay…" Alex's hand warmed Olivia's thigh, her thumb pressing small, tender strokes into the fabric of her slacks with idle purpose.
"We targeted a few buildings. I volunteered to help search..."
"Where are you going with this Liv?"
"Everyone on the team told me no."
The strokes above her knee slowed to a stop.
"They found the woman...without my help. She was in a basement of one of the buildings."
Alex raised an eyebrow. "Liv..." Her tone lowered.
"Every way I turn I hear the same excuses…and each one has your name in it."
Alex scoffed an incredulous smile. "I'm not sure why."
“’What about Alex? How will Alex feel if you get hurt?’.” Olivia quoted the words of her coworkers.
"That's true bu—"
"’You really think Alex would want you to do that?’, that's Fin's favorite line."
"Well, I'm n—wait...what are you doing that I wouldn't approve of?"
"The best one, ‘I don't want your lawyer wife coming after me when you get killed’."
Alex's brow furrowed gently above her eyes.
"You have half the department watching what I do—"
"I do not—"
"Alex—"
"I don't."
Olivia held her gaze and Alex gave in with a roll of her eyes and looked down.
"I visit...sometimes—which I’m allowed to do—"
"Once, twice a week. Fin told me he's even seen you three times in one day."
Alex scoffed. “That happened one time.”
Those blue eyes challenged Olivia’s, held hers captive, softening with Alex’s gentle sigh.
"I'm used to the place...I practically lived there for years." Alex’s focus turned to Olivia’s lap, her hand rubbing more back and forths into Olivia’s thigh, fingers pressing deeper, kneading an impatient pattern. "...I might...tell your colleagues to look out for you—"
"Alex—"
"But it's not a big deal.” Alex glanced up. “Why are you looking at me like that?" She sighed a rough sigh, a mix between her irritation and a groan of defeat. She drew her leg up and under her and leaned back, her arm resting over the top of the couch. "I just say something generic like "make sure she's doing okay” or “keep an eye on her for me"—"
"What—"
"But it's just...what a wife says in passing."
Olivia hunched, her elbows on her knees and her hands at her temples.
"Why is that a big deal? Kathy used to tell us to ‘take care of Elliot’ all the time."
"Yeah but..." Olivia had to stop and chuckle. "You're not Kathy."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Olivia set her hand on Alex's knee. "Your version of ‘take care of her’ sounds like ‘take care of her or else’." Olivia looked into her eyes, calming her with a tender gaze. "Not everyone knows you like I do."
Alex looked away. "Okay well..."
"Fin says you call him every day. You want to know where I am, what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what's going on at the station..." Olivia waited a breath. "He said most of the conversation is you questioning him about me." With a reach Olivia touched Alex's cheek, pulling Alex’s gaze back to her. "What's going on Alex?"
Alex stood, escaping Olivia’s grasp as innocent questions turned into an interrogation.
"Is worry between spouses strange?" She paced.
"You worked with me for years—"
"I wasn't married to you Olivia." Alex said with a harsh clip to her words.
"But you know what I do."
"Exactly. I know what happens, and how things can go wrong in an instant."
"How often does that happen?"
"More than you think..." Alex turned, flicking a finger at the muted tv, and Olivia glanced over her shoulder to the evening’s breaking news playing on the screen. "...and with the way this world is turning..." She trailed off, shuddering under her breath at an uncomfortable thought as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Being a police officer is like putting a target on your back."
"It's always been that way."
"How are you so casual about that?"
"Because I've accepted the risks that come with my job."
Alex scoffed. "While I sit here and hold my breath with every headline that says ‘Officer Shot’."
The news...always the news. Alex liked to stay current with the times like any New Yorker but inhaling a plethora of constant coverage was too much. At least now everything started to make sense. If she was not home before six Alex called, never hostile but as someone who needed reassurance to calm her thoughts. Alex disguised her intentions with a subtle ‘hey’, never blasting over the phone, berating her, or prying for her whereabouts. She loved hearing Alex’s voice but couldn’t help but feel her wife was doing welfare checks.
Olivia stood and met Alex at the living room window. "Alex..." She touched Alex’s arm but Alex didn’t look at her. "You need to go back to work."
Alex's brow furrowed. "What does that have to do with this?"
"You're here all day..."
"What are you saying?"
With a gentle smile emerging Olivia turned Alex to her. "You can't stay here all day, it’s not you.” Olivia placed her hands on Alex's face, tender and loving. “You belong in the courtroom."
Alex escaped Olivia's grasp, grumbling “Liv” under her breath. "I haven't practiced law in two years."
"And you'll pick it up in no time."
"It's not that simple Liv. Legal trends change every day."
"But the foundations remain the same—"
"That life is stressful." Alex watched what she could see of the street from the window. “I didn’t realize how much until I came back.”
"But it's you." Olivia took Alex's hand and pulled the woman to her. "Look, you don't have to go back to the D.A.'s office—"
"I'm happy...here." Alex averted her gaze. "Why is it wrong if I don’t work?" Alex glanced to her and the hint of timid uncertainty in her eyes betrayed her confident words. "I make sure you eat, I clean..."
Olivia smiled. This domestic version of Alex was a wonderful surprise, but slowly eating away at the fearless attorney who thrived off risk. "But you're miserable."
Alex’s hand slipped out of Olivia's grasp and Alex hugged her arms to her chest, staying silent for a while. She looked out the window once more and from behind Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist. Alex sighed. "Okay." She softly admitted and Olivia pressed her forehead to the back of Alex’s shoulder. "You...might...be right."
Olivia held her close.
"I guess I got too comfortable.” Alex paused. “I never used to worry this much…but the world really is different now Liv." Alex turned, taking Olivia's face into her hands. "I finally have you..." Alex trailed off and Olivia nodded. What Alex didn't say spoke greater volumes, her gaze couldn't hide her fear. She must’ve known and turned away moments later. "I watched you and Elliot storm into so many situations."
"And you never flinched."
Alex smirked. "On the outside." She softly admitted. "I was there Liv, caught in the heat of the case with you. I expected you'd walk into my office at some point of the day. Or call and give me updates. We were in constant contact. If I ever needed to see you, I could walk to the precinct, and you'd be there. Now…" Alex clenched her jaw and waved off the conversation’s direction. "Ugh." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I know what you want to say…that anything could’ve happened when you and Elliot were out on the street. Same risk."
Olivia looked down with a tight smile.
"It was different then Liv. I wasn't..."
"At home...worrying all day."
"…married to you."
"Alex..." Olivia pulled her in and hugged her close, Alex’s chin resting on her shoulder. "What you do can be dangerous too." Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia and nuzzled her face into Olivia's neck. Olivia smiled at the conceding groan against her skin. "But I'd rather see you happy than miserable."
Alex huffed a sigh. "Why are you such a good person?", came Alex's muffled whine. She lifted from Olivia’s shoulder and kissed Olivia on the cheek. "I’ll think about it. It's hard to say no to you." Alex pushed away but Olivia didn’t let go.
“How hard?” Olivia grinned first and Alex followed.
“Now is not the time for your bedroom charm.”
Olivia reeled her in. “You said you couldn’t say no.”
*Beeeep*
“You better let me go, unless you want your dinner to burn.”
Olivia kissed her. It was supposed to stay chaste…but…
*Beeeep*
“Liv…”
Olivia let go with a smirk.
“Go get ready for dinner.” Alex poked a finger into Olivia’s chest, averted her gaze, and gave a hesitant push. “If you keep staring at me like that no one’s going to eat.”
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A.N. Thanks for reading this random, tiny one-shot. I wrote this super fast, so I know it's not the best but I had fun with it. My next update will likely be chapter 3 for The Way Things Are. I almost posted it last week but then I had some second thoughts about the opening scene, so I am trying to rework it.