Work Text:
Joseph Joestar shuts his laptop and throws it aside, the computer landing with a muffled thud onto the mattress before him. A tired sigh escapes his lips as he slumps backwards against the headboard of his bed. He had only made it about halfway through the quote-unquote “video” he had been watching before he’d gotten completely bored of it. It was a ridiculous and stereotypical premise, but he had clicked on it anyway. What is the internet for if not for seeing at least one “lonely housewife orders a pizza” style porn, after all. It had turned out to not really be his taste in the end, so only a few minutes in he had exited the tab. And now he sits in his bed, staring across the room at nothing in particular, all worked up with nowhere to go.
He drums his finger against the back of his laptop as he thinks about that particular situation, strange as it is. It seems totally impractical, not to mention a truly horrendous business decision; to take sex as payment for a pizza, that is. It’s a scenario that could only exist in the realm of adult fiction. Surely nobody would ever try to do that in real life, and even more surely nobody would accept such a trade, if only because they’d definitely get in trouble with their boss, and probably be late delivering other pizzas to boot.
Then again… it’s pretty hard to know if it would work for sure without trying it out first, right? And he’s not only bored, but hungry and decently horny too.
Grinning to himself with one of his usual half-baked plans forming like a stormcloud of utter stupidity in his brain, he re-opens his laptop and searches the area for some pizza places, eventually settling on a local place with good reviews. Sure, the workers at a generic chain would probably be more used to idiotic behavior like this and would fault him less for it, but since this is inevitably going to not work out in his favor, Joseph would prefer he get some actually decent pizza out of the deal in the end. And so, one phone call to order later, he receives a message that “Caesar” is on his way to deliver Joseph’s dinner. And maybe if he’s lucky, something else entirely.
Judging by the timing of the message and the distance between his apartment and the restaurant, Joseph estimates he’s got about ten to fifteen minutes or so to properly prepare himself for the task at hand before this so-called Caesar arrives. He digs through his closet, pulling out a suitably tight crop-top and the pair of jeans that make his ass look the best. Studying himself at every possible angle in the mirror, he runs his fingers through his hair and flexes his biceps. Yeah, there’s no way that Caesar guy could deny this . Well, if he’s into guys, that is.
The sound of the doorbell echoing through the apartment snaps him out of his narcissistic trance and draws him towards the front door. He hesitates for a moment at the door and undoes the button of his jeans. There, that ought to be sultry enough to woo this guy , he muses. If this strategy is even remotely possible off-screen, then his current appearance should be more than enough to make it happen.
Joseph opens the door, a flirty comment on his lips, eyelashes just waiting to be batted with a vengeance. But the words he’s prepared in advance die out on his tongue the second he sees the man in front of him, and his eyes do no batting, in fact, they do nothing but stare as the pizza delivery man looks him over with an unamused expression.
Caesar is fucking gorgeous. Joseph’s awestruck mind can’t even come up with a better descriptor than that thanks to how incredibly fucking gorgeous Caesar is. Tall- though admittedly not quite as tall as Joseph himself-, blond, and muscular. He’s like a walking classical painting. His emerald-green eyes are piercing, and his lips look soft and plush. He’s got some sort of birthmark under each eye, but they suit him and show off his cheekbones quite nicely.
Joseph has to take a moment to compose himself, but he’s not going to let his flustered heart get in the way of his plan. He’s Joseph Joestar. Nothing gets in the way of his plans.
Caesar raises an eyebrow and begins to speak in an Italian accent so enchanting it nearly breaks Joseph’s concentration again for a second.
“Well? Are you going to pay me, or are you planning to just stand there staring at me like an idiot?”
Show time . Joseph braces himself and does his very best to channel the spirit of every lonely, desperate housewife from any porn he’s ever watched and meets Caesar’s eyes.
“I… don’t have any money.” He says, watching Caesar closely to look for any sort of reaction.
The exhausted disbelief is written all over Caesar’s face as he looks incredulously at Joseph’s apartment, which is pretty visibly upper-class. Even if it wasn’t, his apartment complex alone is well-known to be one only inhabited by those who are at least relatively wealthy.
“I find that hard to believe.” Caesar deadpans after a long pause.
Joseph refuses to give up so easily. “Well it’s true.” He insists. He reaches out towards Caesar, who is still holding the pizza box, and brushes his arm with his fingertips. “Isn’t there… some other way I can pay you?” He tries, biting his bottom lip and throwing in a wink for good measure. Okay, so maybe subtlety isn’t exactly his strong suit, but at least Caesar is sure to get the message.
Caesar frowns, somehow looking even more unimpressed than before. “If you have no money, I can’t give you the pizza. Why on earth would you order it if you weren’t planning to pay me?”
“I-” Joseph stutters. “I was hoping you’d accept a different type of payment.” He can feel heat rushing to his face now. The embarrassment of the situation begins to settle in his mind, though his mule-like stubbornity still refuses to let him quit, if only because Caesar is so incredibly attractive.
Still the blond rejects him. “Even if I were interested, scemo, this is a business. So unless you plan to pay me with real American money, I am keeping this pizza and putting your name on our “do not deliver” list, got that,” he glances down at the receipt stapled to the top of the pizza box, “Joseph Joestar?”
Joseph never knew how lovely his name sounded in an accent like that, especially when the one saying it is someone like Caesar.
He sighs. “There’s no way to convince you, is there?”
Caesar pinches the bridge of his nose in that special way that many people who talk to Joseph for too long tend to do. “Listen. Save the next random stranger the trouble and stop trying to live out your ridiculous porn fantasies, okay? You are not a lonely, single, woman, and I am certainly not so desperate as to go along with this, so even if you are attractive this isn’t how real life works. Now either pay me, or let me leave.”
Joseph stares at him for a long while before responding. “So you think I’m attractive?”
“I am going to throw your pizza in the fucking garbage and still make you pay for it.” Caesar snaps.
Joseph can’t help but to laugh. He can’t sense any true malice in Caesar’s voice, despite the words. If anything, he’s pretty sure he can hear what he would swear is a slight tinge of amusement in the other man’s tone, so he continues his plight unswayed by Caesar’s threats.
“What if I pay you, but we still have sex?” He grins, wiggling his eyebrows in an attempt to be suggestive.
Caesar shuts his eyes and lets out a tired breath, though Joseph can see just the hint of a smile teasing at the corners of his mouth.
“I’m not a prostitute.” Caesar insists.
“The term they use these days is ‘sex worker’, first of all, and second of all, I’m paying for the pizza and getting you for free, obviously. Don’t be boring, Caesarino.” Joseph teases.
Caesar gives him nothing but silence in reply, though the smile threatening to breach his face grows a little bit more apparent.
Joseph can only sit in the silence for so long before he finally breaks. “Fine. I’ll go get my wallet, but don’t expect me to give up on you.”
“Oh I’m sure you won’t. I can’t imagine you’re any less stubborn than you look, Jojo.” Caesar responds, rolling his eyes.
“Jojo?”
“What, you’re allowed to call me something as stupid as ‘Caesarino’, but I can’t do the same?”
Joseph grins again, turning around quickly to hide the blush that’s risen rapidly to his face. “No, I like it.”
Digging his wallet out of the couch cushions, he returns to Caesar and hands over more than enough money for the pizza. Caesar claims he’s keeping the change as payment for his wasted time and as compensation for having to deal with Joseph’s “horrible sense of humor”. Joseph doesn’t argue; the money is well-earned at this point.
Caesar hands the pizza over and takes his leave, sending a single glance back at Joseph over his shoulder before disappearing down the stairwell. Because of course he takes the stairs instead of the elevator. Joseph watches him go, admiring the view of his backside, which is just as perfect as his front side, thanks very much, and shuts the door once he can no longer see any trace of the other man.
He throws himself onto his couch and devours the food in front of him, already beginning to plan for the next time he sees Caesar. He’s determined now. He may have failed today, but there was something there. It’s a chance he’s not going to let go to waste. Caesar was not only incredibly good-looking, but he was funny and sarcastic and, well, exactly Joseph’s type. So sure, maybe the whole “porn scenario” might be a little far-fetched, but Joseph is going to figure out how to make it work. He has to, if only to see Caesar’s face when he realizes he’s lost the game.
—
A week passes before Joseph decides to try again. If he wanted to be truly persistent he probably should have called the day right after their initial meeting, but honestly, Joseph just can’t eat pizza that often. Even a week’s break is sooner than he’d really like, but it will all be worth it to see Caesar's face again. Hopefully many other parts of Caesar as well, but that’s something to deal with as it comes.
When he calls to order he makes sure to specifically request that Caesar be the one to deliver the pizza, hoping he doesn’t sound like too much of a stalker by doing so. However, the person on the phone makes no indication that the request is strange, so he’s at least somewhat relieved by that. When his phone eventually pings with a text saying Caesar is on his way he allows himself to relax a little more. Well, alright. He doesn’t exactly relax because now he’s got his plan to worry about.
The first thing he does is take off his shirt. Clearly on that first visit he hadn’t been seductive enough, because Caesar had been visibly amused by everything and had even expressed at least some sort of attraction to him, and yet the plan had still failed. So this time, Joseph is leaving far less up to the imagination. He is going to get Caesar to come inside with a free but well-earned pizza if it’s the last thing he does. Or at the very least, he’d like to get Caesar to ogle his chest.
As well as going shirtless, he chooses a rather low-riding pair of jeans and once again undoes the top button. He pokes at himself in the mirror for a while, trying to get his hair just right and making sure his lips are pouty enough. The usual activities one does while waiting for their pizza to arrive. Once again, the sound of the doorbell is what breaks his focus.
His heart is racing probably a bit too hard considering the circumstances. He barely knows Caesar, and chances are he’s just going to get rejected again, so why is his heart pounding like this?
When Joseph opens the door, he watches as Caesar’s gaze immediately drops to Joseph’s chest, his face reddening. Caesar quickly looks back up, heat radiating off of his pink cheeks as he pointedly looks anywhere but Joseph’s pecs now. Caesar clears his throat and frowns, clearly trying to push away any attention to Joseph’s body. Joseph grins. Already he’s winning.
“Don’t you at least have the decency to get dressed before answering the door?” Caesar gripes.
“What, not enjoying the view, Caesarino?” Joseph chuckles.
“That’s-” Caesar stutters, eyes flicking downward once again. “That’s not important. It’s a matter of decorum.” Another clearing of the throat. “Now, are you going to pay me this time, or is this another scheme to try and fuck me into giving you a free meal?”
Joseph winks, his grin widening. “I’ve already told you the meal doesn’t have to be free for us to do that other part.”
Caesar shakes his head and pushes his frown deeper. “And I’ve already told you that I’m not that easy.” He holds out a hand. “Now pay me, or shut up.”
It seems like I’m going to need to take more drastic actions. Joseph thinks. Oh well. For now, he should consider today a loss, but next week he’ll get it for sure.
He reaches a hand out and tucks a loose strand of blond hair behind Caesar’s ear, which goes a pretty shade of pink in response.
“Alright, Caesar, you’ve got me.” He sighs, allowing his fingers to trail lightly across Caesar’s cheek as he pulls his hand away. “My wallet is in my front pocket. Would you like to fish it out for me?”
He hadn’t been sure Caesar could go any redder than he previously was, and yet the other man lights up like a stoplight at Joseph’s words.
“You can take your wallet and shove it up your ass, Jojo.” Caesar snarls, though his threat comes across very halfhearted when he’s as flustered as he looks.
Joseph bursts out laughing. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Shut. Up.” Caesar growls, forcefully snatching away the cash Joseph pulls out of his wallet, which he tragically had to remove from his pocket by himself.
The blond shoves the pizza box in Joseph’s direction and whirls around back towards the stairs.
“Li mortacchi tua! Next time wear some clothes, idiot.” He grumbles as he stalks away.
Joseph can only continue to laugh as he watches Caesar disappear down the stairwell, plans for the next call already behind to percolate in the back of his mind.
—
As soon as the call is placed for his next pizza order, Joseph jumps into the shower. Everything has to be completely perfect for this stage of the plan.
It’s been a week since he last ordered, meaning it’s been a week since he’s last had the chance to attempt to woo Caesar. Or more accurately, a week since he last attempted to convince Caesar to sleep with him in exchange for pizza. He’d spent the past few days “researching” the type of scene he wants to play out, looking through countless “lonely housewife”-style videos in an attempt to discover the best possible way to win this game against Caesar. He’s now come to one conclusion, one thing he hasn’t tried yet that he’s sure is going to be the one to finally do it. He’s got to be fresh out of the shower and almost completely naked.
It’s as if Caesar could sense the perfect time to arrive, for it’s just as Joseph is wrapping his towel around his waist that the doorbell rings. He gives himself a quick once-over in the mirror, making sure he’s got the perfect amount of water dripping down his body, still tinged pink from the heat of the shower, as well as ensuring that his towel is low enough on his hips to show off all the right lines that will assuredly draw Caesar’s attention lower and lower as he looks. He tugs on the towel as he leaves the bathroom to double-check that it’s nice and secure. Though he wants nothing more than to get Caesar’s attention, even he knows better than to flash the guy by accident.
He swallows the nerves fluttering around in his stomach before swinging the door open and meeting Caesar’s gaze. He can’t allow himself to acknowledge his current state, he has to act like usual, albeit seductive, if he wants this to work.
Caesar’s eyes widen, and Joseph watches his emerald irises dart around wildly trying to take in the sight before him. Caesar swallows and tears his gaze away from where Joseph could feel it burning around where the edge of the towel begins.
“Cazzo.” Caesar mutters under his breath. “You really are testing my patience, aren’t you.”
Joseph tilts his head, smirking. “I’m not sure what you mean, Caesarino.” He steps closer to the other man, taking hold of one of his shoulders and leaning in close enough to whisper in his ear.
“Now,” he murmurs against Caesar’s neck, “If I told you I didn’t have enough money to pay, would you believe me? Would you let me pay you another way?”
He can feel Caesar shiver in his grasp before putting a hand on Joseph's chest and pushing him away. Joseph takes the hint and steps backward, hoping desperately that he hasn’t gone too far.
Caesar is about as red as the tomato sauce on the pizzas he delivers, his face and neck practically glowing. His hand lingers on Joseph’s chest for a while as he stares at the floor.
“You…” Caesar starts, “you’re insufferable, you know that, Jojo? You just can’t give up and accept that your stupid porn fantasies are just that. Fantasies.”
“They don’t have to be.”
Caesar looks up at him, finally lifting his gaze from the floor, and meets his eyes. Joseph’s heart leaps into his throat at the way Caesar looks, eyes turned upward, face still red.
“I’ll just pay you now.” Joseph squeaks, unsure he can take seeing Caesar like this any longer. He’s starting to suspect that even if his endeavors do come to fruition he won’t be able to do much other than stand there and drool like an idiot over how pretty the other man is. Though based on Caesar’s reactions to everything, he probably would be the same way so it might work out after all.
When he hands the cash over to Caesar- way too much of it, like usual- Caesar takes Joseph’s hand alongside the money and holds it for a moment, though he doesn’t speak, nor does he acknowledge the touch in any way. Eventually, he slips his hand free, taking the cash with him, and turns to go without any further conversation. Joseph watches him, holding the pizza box in his hand, uncaring. He’d almost forgotten the food was there at all, because all that matters in these visits is Caesar. Caesar, who turns and glances at Joseph from over his shoulder before vanishing down the stairs once more. Caesar, who Joseph is becoming more and more convinced might be his actual soul mate at this point.
He shuts the door and lets out the breath that had been trapped in his throat for the entire time Caesar had been there. This is starting to become less about trying to get this stupid scene to work and more about Caesar than he had ever expected. He can’t say he has anything to complain about, though.
—
Close to a week after the towel-clad events previous, Joseph is planning the next thing he’s going to do when he calls upon Caesar once more.
He knows he’ll have to escalate in some way, after all, he can’t exactly go from being nearly naked to wearing a full business suit or something. But he can’t go as far as actually answering the door in the nude, either. Aside from the fact that it would be embarrassing if, say, a neighbor were to walk by when he answered the door, it would be incredibly inappropriate. Yes he’s been going a bit far in the name of flirting, but Caesar is still just a guy doing his job, and it wouldn't be right to do that to him. At least, not without explicit permission.
So what, then? Hm… maybe I could find a dress…
His musings are interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. Strange, he isn’t expecting anyone. Maybe a package he’s forgotten he ordered? Or a neighbor stopping by to tell him something? A surprise visit from his mother? No, that’s not it. She never visits without warning.
Joseph slides off the couch where he had been laying for the last hour or so, stopping to turn the television off where it had been playing a random episode of some show he didn’t care about on Netflix as background noise. He opens the door and freezes in his tracks, feeling his heart stop beating in his chest completely.
It’s Caesar. Caesar stands in the door frame, a box of pizza in one hand, the other in his pocket. Caesar looks him over and snorts.
“Best grandpa ever, huh?” He snickers, eyes resting on Joseph’s shirt.
Joseph looks down at himself. Why now? Why is Caesar here all of a sudden, especially now, when Joseph looks downright slovenly. He’s wearing a too-big t-shirt that says “best grandpa ever”, which explains Caesar’s statement, and a pair of sweatpants. Hell, even his socks are mismatched.
He can feel his face flush with embarrassment as he looks back at Caesar, who’s still smirking, bemused.
“Either you’re much older than you look, or you and your children have all been very promiscuous as a young age.”
“I- You-” Joseph stutters, unable to think straight, especially with the way Caesar looks when he’s smug like this. “What are you doing here? I didn’t even order a pizza!” He exclaims.
“Oh?” Caesar grins, leaning in closer and dropping his voice into a huskier tone. “And here I thought you wanted my,” he clears his throat, “extra-large sausage.”
Joseph blinks a few times and then pinches himself on the thigh in an attempt to wake himself up from what he’s sure must be a dream, because this is simply too good to be true. When he doesn’t wake up in a cold sweat in his bed, however, his heart starts back up again at an impressive rate, and he drags Caesar inside, shutting the door behind the both of them.
“You don’t have any other deliveries today, do you?” Joseph asks, perhaps a bit too desperately.
Caesar laughs. “No, my shift ended about thirty minutes ago.” He sets the pizza box down on the coffee table and sets his hands on Joseph’s hips, which sends fireworks through Joseph’s body.
He can’t hold himself back any longer. “Can I kiss you, Caesar?”
“Since when do they ask questions like that in porn, idiota?” Caesar chides.
Joseph scoffs. “I’m a gentleman, I’ll have you know.”
“Then yes.” Caesar relents, “You can kiss me.”
Joseph doesn’t need a second invitation. He slides his arms around Caesar’s waist and pulls him close. Caesar tilts his head up ever so slightly to meet Joseph’s lips, and Joseph leans in, pressing the two of them together. It feels so right. The last few weeks have been leading up to this more perfectly than he ever could have thought before. He feels like there’s a flame in his chest that’s become a roaring fire as Caesar kisses him back.
Caesar’s lips are soft and taste vaguely of whatever chapstick he’s got on. Coconut, maybe? Not that Joseph is particularly focused on such trivial things. Not when Caesar is tugging on his bottom lip with his teeth with just enough pressure that Joseph is sure it’s going to leave him swollen, but not enough to hurt. His tongue, too. He knows exactly what he’s doing with it. It’s all Joseph can do not to melt into a helpless puddle right then and there.
They pull apart for a moment, catching their breath. Joseph stares at Caesar, who looks back at him, eyebrows furrowed.
“What is it? I can tell by now when you’re thinking about something stupid, so just spit it out.”
Joseph laughs. “Harsh, Caesarino. It’s nothing.”
Caesar frowns. “I’m not kissing you again until you say it.”
“Fine!” Joseph laughs again. “I was just thinking that we might be the only people on earth who have made this porn scenario real.”
“I knew it was something stupid.” Caesar sighs. “Besides, we haven’t even gotten to the good part yet.”
Joseph grins. “Then why don’t we hurry up and get there?”
As Caesar pulls Joseph in for another kiss, Joseph can’t help but to hum with joy, pleased to have found out that yes, if enough effort goes into it, the lonely housewife really can get a free pizza. Even if it didn’t work out quite like the videos might say.