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“Here.”
A plush toy flew across the living room, from Gavin’s hands into Connor’s chest, where it bounced off his chest and fell perfectly into Connor’s hands. It was soft and flaccid, a little white bunny with curly thread substituting for hair and a black mouth threaded into an atomically impossible smile. All it’s limbs and head hung back as Connor held its torso, blinking down into its reflective eyes.
“What’s this for?” Connor asked, running his fingers over the fluffy fur.
The only reply he got back was gruff and short, spoken without even a glance back at him, “You know what.”
Connor’s gaze flickered up to look at Gavin, who was busying himself in the kitchen, fixing himself a cup of coffee, his back still turned to Connor.
Connor frowned, looking back down at the bunny with its long, floppy ears, its tiny paws and eternal smile. It felt far too incongruous to the detective’s demeanour, “Are you angry with me?” He asked, as a request more for explanation than confirmation.
“Like you even care if I am.”
“I do care, Gavin. Is it something that I’ve done?”
“No. You’re just being your usual,” he half-turned to him, just to gestured vaguely between them, “selfish self.”
“Selfish?” Connor repeated.
Gavin just sighed in exasperation, turning away to pour some milk into his mug.
Connor stood in place, struggling to form an explanation behind Gavin’s behaviour, failing at every construct he tried to pull, but he knew something was wrong. He hadn’t seen him since yesterday evening, and he’d seemed happy then, there was nothing he could identify happening between then that would spur this sort of reaction. He simply couldn’t come up with a clear reason.
There was only one confusing and uncertain possibility sprung to mind. Gavin hadn’t even been there at the hospital when he’d been discharged only an hour earlier, with near all his components entirely replaced, shiny and new as the day he’d been created, his last body in a scrap pile somewhere else, waiting to be melted down and repurposed. He had thought his absence was strange. Since they’d started dating, Gavin was always there, waiting anxiously for him and practically clawing at him once he was allowed, having saved more than a few stern words and bitter remarks that did nothing to hide his obvious concern. But Connor had assumed he’d been getting better at that, understanding Connor’s usual explanations that his worry was unfounded.
“What ‘selfishness’ do you mean?” Connor asked again, “I can’t help if I don’t know what’s wrong. If there’s something—”
“Don’t make me spell it out,” Gavin snapped, cutting him off sharply. His voice was tight with emotion and his words straining, “Don’t make me say it.”
“Say what?” Connor questioned softly.
Gavin shook his head, “You know what.”
“But I don’t,” Connor insisted. Gavin glared him, “Gavin—”
“That you got yourself fucking killed again last night!”
He slammed his fist on the counter with enough force for the mug to shake, the contents sloshing over the confines of its rim, splashing hot coffee onto him right before it clattered to the floor and shattered, ceramic shards scattering across the tiled flooring. Gavin swore loudly, pulling away from the mess, conscious of his bear feet around the sharp fragments and wiping his hand angrily on his jeans where the liquid had spilled.
Connor’s lips thinned into a line as he watched Gavin. “Let me help,” he said after a moment of silence, setting aside the plush toy he’d been given and walking over, his own feet protected unlike Gavin’s.
“I don’t need your goddamn help.” Gavin pushed him off.
“You could cut yourself,” Connor pointed out gently. Gavin glared at him again instead, jaw set tight still. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Fuck you,” he spat, and shoved Connor roughly, “You come here, act like... like no fucking human ever would - like everything’s fucking fine right after yesterday - and act like I’m overreacting, but then you get to be worried about me maybe getting a few cuts?”
Connor stared at him a little longer, unsure of how to respond.
Despite their differences, any the tumultuous past they’d had to overcome, they rarely fought. Gavin’s temper managed to still make itself known, but not directed so squarely at him anymore and when the cause of it, Connor found himself unsure and unable to find an appropriate response. The uniqueness of the situation, the bizarreness it would have had to anyone but the two of them only suddenly becoming truly apparent to him.
“I’m… I’m honestly fine, Gavin, really. There’s no need to worry.” He fell back to, not knowing what else to say.
“But you weren’t fine, Connor! When I got there, you had been thrown across the road, lying bloody and broken on the asphalt. I watched you run off only to find you like that, covered in your own blood—” Gavin stopped short, taking a deep breath and exhaling shakily through his nose, running his free hand through his greasy, unkempt hair. “...And you just laid there, not fucking moving. Your LED wasn’t even on...” Gavin’s breathing started quickening and he looked away, swallowing hard before looking back to Connor, determination clear in his eyes. “You’re not allowed to fucking do that to me.”
Connor paused, frowning slightly. “…I’m sorry.”
Gavin snorted, shaking his head bitterly, “Like hell you are, you treat this like it’s some game, like it isn’t real.” There was no bite to his words though; instead, they sounded almost tired and worn out.
“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Connor said softly, “The chances of my survival were high, I—”
“If there’s any chance of you dying, then you hold back, like I told you to!” Gavin snapped again, “There wasn’t even a fucking need to put yourself in danger like that! It was for a piece of evidence; nobody was even in danger and you got run over by a fucking truck! And don’t give me that shit that it doesn’t matter because you’re fine – you and I both know that kind of shit fucks with you beyond just physically and you still do this.”
Connor stared at Gavin wordlessly again. He couldn’t deny what he was saying. Couldn’t say he hadn’t blatantly ignored Gavin’s attempts to hold him back and protect him, grabbing him with enough force to bruise a human but proving little obstacle for Connor. He couldn’t say that he hadn’t felt his stomach push into his throat before the truck even hit him, desperately trying to scramble off the road before the equivalent of over fifty times his body weight came down upon him at sixty miles an hour, failing to slow down even a fraction. He couldn’t lie to Gavin that it wasn’t going to become a memory revisited on nights when he woke with jolting panic, disorientated and shaking, mind set alit with fear and unable to calm down on his own, needing the assurance of the other man to even recognise his surrounds.
Still though, he found himself excusing it all, in the way he’d been designed to, and responding plainly and logically instead, “It’s not the same for androids.”
“Don’t tell me shit I know isn’t true.” Gavin said, throwing an accusatory finger towards him. “Do you seriously think your life is worth less than some fucking paper?”
“It wasn’t just a piece of paper.”
“Yes, it was!”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Gavin sighed, running a hand over his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. “This is useless. Forget it. I’m not fighting you about this anymore.”
Before Connor could try and continue their argument, Gavin left the kitchen and disappeared upstairs, leaving him behind. Connor didn’t run after him. He watched man disappear up the staircase with his brow knitted intensely, internally debating if it was best to let him calm down before trying to talk again or going after him.
It was the matter of the broken mug shattered across the floor that he began collecting in his palm that settled the debate for him. He couldn’t very well leave the hazard as it was. He’d have to clean up the coffee staining the tiles too, Gavin would probably not come back down to handle it until he’d calmed down, and who knew how long that would be. Besides, the task gave Connor something else to occupy himself with as he pondered how to address the situation.
It took longer than usual for Gavin to calm down enough to came back, not until hours later when Connor was sat on the foot of their bed, staring down at the toy bunny again as though it was it and not him that was the culprit for his current predicament.
Gavin came in quietly, his footsteps barely making a sound across the wooden floors and head down like scolded child. He scratched the back of his neck sheepishly, stopping just in front of Connor, “Hey,” he breathed out, clearing his throat, “You doin’ okay?”
“Of course, I am.” Connor responded calmly, forcing a smile as he looked up to him.
Gavin shrugged, giving the stuffed rabbit another glance before nodding, “Right. ‘Course you are, why wouldn’t you be, right? You’re alive...” he added hesitantly, and then sighed heavily, clearing his throat again. “Mind if I sit?”
“Not at all.” Connor replied instantly.
Gavin nodded and they stayed silent as he slowly lowered himself next to Connor, his leg brushing against his slightly. “Didn’t mean to yell,” he muttered, reaching over to take the bunny from Connor’s hands only to toss it aside on the bed behind them, “I just—” He broke off again, shaking his head.
“It’s fine, I understand,” Connor responded, but his own expression faltered slightly. “I shouldn’t have put you in that position.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have,” Gavin agreed immediately, “I don’t ever wanna see you like that again...” He sighed heavily, running a frustrated hand through his hair. “You can’t keep doing shit like that, okay? You can’t fucking do that. You can’t put yourself in such a risky position. I get that you want to save people, Connor, but you’ve gotta think about yourself.”
“I know,” Connor whispered, glancing down at the carpeted floor, his LED cycling slowly between red and yellow as he quickly reverted to the lines he’d practiced to explain himself. “But, you have to understand Gavin, I wasn’t built with self-preservation in mind. Whereas for humans it’s natural instinct to avoid danger, it’s against my programming to hinder my investigation merely because it harms me.”
“But you’re not just programming Con, you’re a fucking person. You’re my fucking boyfriend,” Gavin insisted, putting a hand on his arm. Connor kept his eyes on the ground.
“I know I am, but it’s… difficult.”
“What about me? You think about how it is for me to see you fucking die all the time? Imagine if you saw me die.”
Connor shook his head, “I don’t want to think about that.”
“So why do you put me through it? For a piece of evidence you’ll let yourself fucking die. I can’t… I can’t see you like that again… I can’t…” Gavin’s voice cracked, and he cleared his throat before continuing, sounding strained, “Fucking hell, plastic, you matter to me. You matter to me more than anyone has for a long time. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to even think about losing you. Every single time I worry something will go wrong and you won’t come back and every time that feeling just gets worse and worse and I can’t lose you, Connor.”
Connor didn’t reply to Gavin, letting him speak. He watched quietly as Gavin wiped angrily at his eyes, biting his lower lip, obviously trying to contain his emotions. He never liked such obvert displays of emotion.
“I know I can be a dick sometimes, I know that, but I care about you, Connor. I don’t want to see you like that.”
“I know.”
Gavin turned to look at him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Then why do you keep doing this to yourself? “
“I had to,” Connor stated simply.
Gavin shook his head, rubbing his hand across his forehead, exhausted by the conversation again already. Connor couldn’t blame him for it, for he felt the same and seeing Gavin so upset due to his actions made the situation near unbearable. He wanted to reassure him as he’d unsuccessfully tried to do earlier, but instead he simply sat beside him silently, having no better words to say.
“I stayed in the hospital all night you know,” Gavin admitted quietly, wiping at his eyes again, “Fell asleep in that damn chair and only left when they said they were going to do a scrap and there was no point in me being there. I mean, last night was... shit...” Gavin shrugged helplessly, “It was absolute fucking shit. The whole damn thing made me sick, only seen anyone in that kinda a state maybe two times in my entire life.”
“You didn’t have to stay.”
“Shut up, you stupid tin can, yes I did.” Gavin grumbled, lightly bumping his shoulder before throwing his arm around Connor’s shoulders to pull him closer to his side, “I just don’t understand. Don’t you care about yourself? What – what... why aren’t you upset by this? Why do you act like everything is fine when it clearly isn’t?”
Connor shifted awkwardly under Gavin’s embrace, his LED spinning rapidly. He opened his mouth to respond only to shut it again.
He knew that he should have been more careful, and Gavin was right, but he was not used to needing to account greatly for sentimentality, least not when it was regarding his own life. He was expendable, he could be utterly destroyed and easily rebuilt, he could be mended from injuries that would be chronic for a human, he could withstand pain that would break the strongest men. But Gavin was right, and he didn’t want to. Just because he could, it didn’t mean he wanted to.
“I…” Connor hesitated, frowning slightly. “I have to. It’s my duty, it’s what I’m designed for.”
“That’s crap and you know it.” Gavin said, squeezing Connor’s shoulder tightly, “You don’t have to do shit you don’t want to anymore. You don’t have to risk your fucking life and traumatise yourself over and over again.”
“Gavin...” Connor sighed, not knowing how to explain himself better.
“Look,” Gavin continued, pulling him closer as he spoke. “I love you, okay? But you can’t keep fucking doing this. Not just because of me either, for your own sake. Do you understand? I want you safe, that’s all I want.”
There was silence for a few moments after that, Gavin still holding Connor tightly against him, before Connor slipped his own arms round his waist, hugging Gavin closer to himself. “Even though I want to, I can’t promise you anything, Gavin.” He admitted softly, “I can’t promise that I won’t get myself killed again, or that I will not prioritise the mission first.”
“You’re worth more than any fucking mission, Con.” Gavin said firmly, pulling back so that he was looking at Connor, placing his hands on Connor’s neck gently. “You gotta stop sacrificing yourself, okay? We both know it isn’t good for you.”
Connor looked away, lowering his head. “I can’t promise you that.”
“Then at least try to keep yourself alive. Please. I’ll try not to freak out every time it happens and not get mad about shit, but you gotta step up too, alright? I mean, you least have to try.”
“Okay,” Connor agreed after a brief moment of hesitation. “Okay, I’ll try.”
“Thank god,” Gavin murmured relievedly, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss onto Connor’s lips and rubbing his eyes again of any remaining threatening dampness. “Fuck, you’re an asshole you know. Making me all emotional and shit.”
Connor chuckled, smiling weakly, “Well, we can always blame it on my deviancy,” He replied, causing Gavin to chuckle too, before he was pulled back into another tight hug. Connor returned the gesture eagerly, feeling a warmth he’d found absent all day come back into his chest.
“I do want to know though, why did you get the toy bunny?” Connor asked, tilting his head curiously as they drew apart.
Gavin snorted, looking to where he’d tossed the plush and grabbing it, playing throwing it back to the android, “Felt like shit for not picking you up from the hospital and I thought it might cheer you up if I bought you the stupidest fucking thing ever.”
Connor rolled his eyes, smiling lightly, “I love it.”
“I knew you would, you dork.”