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e: hey ben, u wanna come over?
What kind of fucking question is that? Does Ethan think that this is funny? Is this all just some sick joke he’s pulling? Did he find out that Benny has spent the last weeks under his covers having a pity party for himself? Did he finally take a break from swapping spit with Sarah to realize that Benny is suffering without him?
Does he think it’s pathetic that Benny is suffering without him?
me: heyyy man uh maybe not 2nite
me: sorry lol im just busy helping gran
What a piss poor excuse. Benny’s grandmother isn’t even in town, let alone in need of his assistance. Benny thinks about how he’s never had to lie to Ethan like this before, about how things used to be. Fuck.
It almost feels too short to be a ‘used-to-be’ situation. It’s only been, what? A month? A month and a half? Twenty millenia? It sure feels like it.
You see, Benny and Ethan were always.. BennyandEthan. EthanandBenny. But then Ethan fell head over heels for Sarah - don’t get Benny wrong, he loves Sarah. She’s one of his closest friends, and he hates himself more about his current situation than he could ever hate her for it. But now they’re Ethan and Sarah, and sometimes Benny.
It sucks, being friends with someone your whole life, and then losing them. And the worst part is, Ethan refuses to acknowledge the change. He somehow looks at Benny, remembers the fact that they’ve known eachother since they were six, the fact that they used to basically be roommates, the fact that they once actually spelled themselves to be attached at the hip and it hardly made a difference because they were always shoulder-to-shoulder, hand-to-hand, heart-to-heart, and then he has the gall to act like everything is normal.
To act like Benny hasn’t slept in his own bed more times this last month than he has total since he met Ethan. It’s bullshit, that’s what it is.
And what’s also bullshit is that Benny can’t stay mad. Because he loves Ethan, and he loves Sarah just in a different way, and he just wants them to be happy, and he’s so so so pissed at himself for being selfish enough to even ponder the idea of having Ethan the way he wants him.
It used to just be a silly little ache, a twinge in his chest as he watched Ethan admire girls and stumble over his words around Sarah. But now it’s all-consuming, the pain. It’s the kind of hurt that keeps you up all night, tossing and turning, and it’s the kind of hurt that consumes you so wholly that you don’t think you’ll ever see the light of day again, even if it’s just around the corner. It’s the kind of pain that makes you hope you won’t see the light of day again.
Because if Benny sees the day, he will see school, and he will see Ethan and Sarah and EthanandSarah and he will have no choice but to smile and tell himself he’s not hurt when Ethan rejects yet another hang-out request to be with Sarah.
What doesn’t make sense to Benny is that it used to always be Sarah this and Sarah that, but it hurts more not being able to hear Ethan’s voice at all.
All he wants is for things to be the way they were, and maybe this is his chance. Maybe this is his chance, or maybe he’ll show up at Ethan’s house only to be met with the cold gaze of Ethan and Ethan’s mom and dad and sister, and the cold gaze of all his friends and his grandmother and everyone he’s ever known, and in the middle of the room will be a flickering but clear projection of Benny’s body being wracked with sobs as he curls up on the floor because he doesn’t deserve the comfort of a mattress, and his thoughts will appear in a little speech bubble above his head because, honestly, mind-reading isn’t the craziest thing he’s come across, and they will all point and laugh, Ethan will point and laugh.
Okay, irrational thinking. Shut up.
But he’s still not going to go. Ethan needs to know that Benny has a life outside of him, that he can’t just appear whenever he needs him, that he’s not in love with him-
e: please, b
e: i need you
e: tell your grandma i’m in crisis or something
Benny exhales ruggedly. His resolve is wearing and tearing and his fingers are already flying across the keyboard.
me: ur in crisis?
e: yeah kind of
e: come on, we’re best friends, please come over
e: i need you, b
e: please
[Draft] me: yeah well, i needed you too
[Draft] me: i need you more than you need me
[Draft] me: deal with it yourself
[Draft] me: leave me alone
[Draft] me: why are you doing this to me
[Draft] me: how about you ask sarah?
[Draft] me: what about sarah?
[Draft] me: ask sarah?
[Draft] me: fuck off and ask your stupid girlfriend
[Draft] me: ask ur gf
[Draft] me: let me be your gf
[Draft] me: let me be your bf
[Draft] me: i love you go away
[Draft] me: go away
[Draft] me: i love you
[Draft] me: no.
[Draft] me: no
e: why have you been typing so long
[Draft] me: shut up shut up FUCK YOU STOP IT SHUT UP
me: must b a glitch bozo
me: b there in a sec
Damnit.
Benny throws on a striped sweatshirt and drags himself to the bathroom, doing a quick onceover. He needs to not look and smell like he’s been sobbing and hugging his pillow for hours daily as if it’s a ritual. Unfortunately, that’s exactly what he’s been doing, but there’s nothing a little bit of deodorant and water splashes to the face can’t fix. Except for the gaping hole in Benny’s heart and mind, but whatever. Nothing to see there.
Ethan probably won’t be looking close enough to see how puffy and red-rimmed his eyes still are, and if he is.. Benny’s not sure if that’s a positive thing or not.
Benny lets himself in, and he hates that he has a key to the Morgans’ house around his neck at all times, and he hates that Ethan probably doesn’t wear his necklace with a key to Benny’s house on it anymore, because why would he? He never fucking visits, so what’s the point?
“Hey, B,” Ethan says hoarsely, a mirror of Benny’s evening routine for the past month, which is to say hugging his knees to his chest and crying.
“What’s wrong?” Benny replies in lieu of a greeting, immediately crouching down to where Ethan is hunkered down on the floor, back against one of his bedposts.
“I.. I broke up with Sarah.”
“Oh, buddy..” Benny comforts, putting his hands in his lap to stop from touching. He can’t touch Ethan, it feels dirty to touch him and have it be an ‘I’m in love with you' touch when Ethan thinks it’s a ‘best friends’ touch. “I’m sorry. Did she tell you why?”
“Are you listening, Benny?? I broke up with her.”
“Oh, you’re serious? I thought we were just saying that to make you feel better.”
“Back off, dude,” Ethan groans. “Why do you assume she’s the one who broke things off with me?”
“Because, you spent so much time, y’know, thirsting after her.” Because if you were planning to end things anyway, why have I been so lonely for the past month? Because if she wasn’t good enough for you, then I definitely won’t be.
“I was not thirsting. I simply wanted her affections.”
“Nerd. Okay, okay. So.. you wanted her affections or whatever. Then you got them. What’s the problem? Why’d you end it?”
“I.. I don’t want to tell you.”
What?
What??
“What?” Benny voices, voice cracking with anger and betrayal and always, always, always a little bit of sadness.
“What do you mean, ‘What?’. I just don’t think I can tell you,” Ethan replies, making himself as small as possible.
“I.. Ethan, you’ve been ignoring me for Sarah for, like, a month. And I didn’t say anything because I wanted you to be happy, but you weren’t even happy?? And you can’t tell me why??”
“Hey, this isn’t about you, man!” Ethan snaps.
“Yeah, it’s about you, everything is!”
“What’s that supposed to mean??”
Benny distances himself physically from Ethan, putting about a foot of space between them. It hurts, in a weird, confusing, fucked-up way.
“You ditched me for Sarah, and then acted like it wasn’t happening, and I was never mean to you about it and just accepted that you didn’t like me anymore, but the second you need something and don’t have Sarah to run to, you ask me?? Why am I the second choice?” Benny vents, a feverish headache clouding his mind. This is all so much.
“Benny.. I don’t know how to say it,” Ethan replies, his voice raw and watery. “You’re not my second choice. That’s the whole problem.”
“What does that mean?!”
“It means that you thinking that I don’t like you anymore is literally the furthest possible conclusion from the truth.”
“Okay, well, I doubt that, but whatever. No time for critical analysis,” Benny sniffs, wiping harshly at his eyes, as if he hasn’t been critically analyzing every word and movement and microexpression Ethan has made for the last however many years. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about, dude.”
“I can’t say it,” Ethan croaks.
“You can’t tell me why you broke up with Sarah?”
“No, yes, maybe. Okay, okay, okay. I thought I liked her, or I thought I could pretend to, and- and- it didn’t work, I-”
“E, calm down,” Benny gives in, moving back closer again and placing a hand on Ethan’s knee. “Whatever you’re about to tell me? I can’t judge you. I have a secret that I’ve been keeping from you,too, so I’m in absolutely no position to judge.”
“You do??” Ethan asks, puppy eyes breaking Benny’s heart into a million shards. “Okay. Fine. You really wanna know?”
Benny gives one last encouraging nod.
“I broke up with Sarah because I never really liked her. I broke up with her because I’m- I don’t like.. Girls,” he falters briefly, panic all over his whole face and body, and Benny is freaking out but not for bad reasons and he knows that Ethan will freeze up if he doesn’t act calm so he’s currently freaking out while trying to appear like he isn’t because Ethan will think it’s a bad kind of freak out. Jeez.
“I don’t like girls, and I pretended to like her because she’s pretty and nice and all I would want in a girlfriend but I don’t want one in the first place, so I don’t know why I thought it would work. I thought..” he pauses, a tear tracking down his face. “I thought she could fix me?”
“Ethan, you’re not broken! You’re.. You’re perfect, dude. Just the way you are.”
“I’m not. I’m a jerk. I avoided you for months, to hang out with Sarah, because I was trying to be in love with her and not you.”
Ethan spits ‘not you’ like venom, and Benny freezes up, hand limp on Ethan’s knee.
“You’re in love with me?” Benny asks after a moment, wondering if he hallucinated that out of his own desperation. “Like.. me, me?”
“Yeah, man, I know. Totally gross or whatever, I get it if you wanna lea-”
“Ethan, shut up. I don’t want to leave. That’s why I was mad at you in the first place!”
“..What do you mean?”
“Well, it doesn’t feel great when your best friend pushes you to the side and suddenly interrupts the natural rhythm of your syncronized lives to pursue a girlfriend. Especially when you’re in love with the guy,” Ethan responds hastily, a manic mixture of sleep-deprivation, confusion, wonder, residual anger, and adrenaline seeping into each and every word.
“You’re.. In love. With… me?” Ethan repeats back, eyes squinting so hard that Benny feels his heart breaking again. Why is it so hard for Ethan to believe that someone loves him? It’s basically Benny’s full-time job.
“Yeah, E. Like, a lot in love. Very, very in love,” Benny says, and then any calm he had in him dissolves and he feels a lot like he’s just floating around going batshit crazy and this is such a big moment, why is it so serious? He can’t stop himself from laughing. “I love you so goddamn much, dude! God, that feels so insane to say.”
Ethan, although hesitantly, joins in with the laughing, realizing Benny is laughing out of hysteria and disbelief rather than because he’s about to say “sike!” and throw Ethan a mean right hook.
“I’m in love with you, E!” Benny giggles, the smile on his face huge and contagious.
Ethan gives him a soft kiss. “I’m in love with you too, moron. Now c’mon, you look like you haven’t slept for days.”
“Whose fault is that?” Benny remarks without malice, climbing up onto Ethan’s bed and collapsing. “Man, and you just called me a moron. Weir-0, Morgan-2. Er, is it the other way around. Do you get points for being mean or do I get points for enduring it?”
“Does it matter?” Ethan questions, climbing under the covers. Benny has always been the warm to his cold, and this is no different. He’s like a human space heater. “I feel like we should count our points in the same category.”
“Okay. Morgan-Weir-2,” Benny laughs, shoving his face into the comforter. It muffles his voice. “Wer Bemny’n’Efim agaim.”
“Dude, what?” Ethan asks, feeling a little bit too loopy from exhaustion to actually care about an explanation. He closes his eyes and is pleased to inhale pure Benny.
“Numfing,” Benny replies, delayed, sleep seeping into all of him, oversaturating him until he has no more thoughts than Ethan, and then he is fast asleep and it’s a good, good sleep at that.
When Ethan’s dad comes in the next morning to see if he’s awake yet (he’s most certainly not), he just smiles and leaves, glad to see that Benny is back in the house.