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Jay sat down at the picnic table next to Heeseung, staring up at the sky, full of beautiful stars that could easily distract from the chill in the air. What they couldn’t distract from was the feeling growing inside of Jay.
They’d had a long day of performances and traveling at the end of a comeback. Everyone was completely spent, hungry and tired and a little irritable, eager to get home. So it was quite disappointing that about an hour from home their car had broken down and they were now sitting at a rest stop waiting on a new vehicle to come get them. Everyone was sitting around quiet, subdued, out of it. Jay was the same. His stomach rumbled with hunger and he was so exhausted his eyes burned. Jay could deal with the hunger pretty well; he’d gotten used to it as he’d grown accustomed to diets and discipline over the years. But it was the fatigue that was the dangerous part. Of course he was somewhat used to fatigue as part of being an idol but he still didn’t do well with it. There was a reason he fell asleep in the most random places, much to everyone’s amusement. He didn’t just need sleep to recharge physically; he needed it to keep his mental state healthy. When he was tired things went downhill quick. And that’s exactly what was happening now. It had been days since he’d gotten a real full nights rest and it had been almost a full 24 hours since he’d gotten any sleep at all. He was almost asleep in the car when they’d broken down and had to get out. When being woken up had almost caused him to cry and whine in too high pitched a voice Jay knew exactly what was going to happen. He also knew enough to know it would happen whether he tried to stop it or not.
Jay was going to slip into little space; he could feel the need growing inside him like a wave that was about to crash. Stress triggered his need to be little and being tired exasperated it. His adult mind just shut down completely, needing comfort and safety and softness. Usually that wasn’t a problem but Jay really tried to avoid slipping out in public. He hated the idea of losing control of himself when he wasn’t safe at home. He tried to resist it at all costs which meant he got more stressed and subsequently slipped harder. He’d always been embarrassed, ashamed even of his little side and strive to let no one ever see it because he thought he’d been seen as weird or weak. When the others had found out they’d not only been accepting of his little side they’d become his caregivers. Even as good as they’d been with him Jay still was stubborn, trying to not be little until he couldn’t help it anymore and slipped involuntarily. On some level he still was ashamed of that side of himself and didn’t want the others to see him like that. They’d been working hard to get Jay to accept his little side and see it as a valid and healthy coping mechanism as well as a part of himself they all loved. He’d been doing better even though it was hard to accept he needed this. He’d been voluntarily slipping more often and it’d been great for his stress and anxiety. But right now in a public place he worried about slipping, about doing or saying something someone might see and he felt a bit guilty about needing it knowing the others were also tired and shouldn’t have to care for him. Still, he knew it was going to happen whether he tried to stop it or not.
He was already starting to feel small and unsure when he saw Heeseung sitting alone at the picnic table. He instantly gravitated toward him. Jay just wanted to be at home so he could climb into his lap and suck on his pacifier and fall asleep in Heeseung’s arms.
‘I need my Appa’ Jay thought with a big, building wave of feeling inside him. That’s how he knew slipping was inevitable.
Jay walked over to the picnic table and sat down next to Heeseung leaning heavily into him. He was warm and felt strong against Jay and he smelled so good. Jay closed his eyes and smiled against him. It felt good to be here with him.
“Heeseung” Jay whispered, his voice not quite small but not quite adult.
“Yeah?” Heeseung asked looking down at Jay.
“I think I’m about to slip” Jay said quietly, resisting the urge to put his thumb into his mouth. He leaned more into Heeseung who quickly put his arm around him.
“Jay, I’m so proud of your for recognizing that and telling me” Heeseung enthused. “I know that’s not easy for you.”
Heeseung leaned in close to Jay’s ear and whispered. “You’re such a good boy, Jay.”
That was it; that was all it took to push Jay just the tiny bit left he had into little space. And it felt good, so good; Heeseung had his arm around Jay and Jay leaned into him, feeling warm and safe. He loved Appa so much.
“I a good boy?” Jay asked looking up into Appa’s face with a smile. He always wanted to be a good boy.
“You’re the best boy” Heeseung said with a grin, tapping Jay playfully on the nose making him giggle. “You stay here close to Appa since you’re little okay?”
“Okay” Jay agreed. He’d do whatever Appa told him.
Heeseung got out his phone and found a game for Jay to play while they waited. It was a fun game and Jay forgot for a while he was so hungry and tired. But after a while Jay wanted to play with someone because that’d be more fun. He wanted to play with Niki because Niki loved games and he was the most fun to play with. He looked around and saw all his hyungies but he didn’t see Niki.
“I wanna play with Niki” Jay told Heeseung. “Where is he?”
Heeseung looked around. “I don’t see him” he said. “But he said something about stretching his legs earlier and I saw him go walking on that path over there.”
“Can I go get him?” Jay asked. He asked Appa’s permission because he’d said to stay close.
“Yes” Appa said “but don’t wander too far and if you can’t find him come get me.”
“Okay Appa” Jay said hopping up and walking over to the walking path Niki had been down.
He walked for a while but didn’t find Niki. It was darker over here and Jay started to feel a bit scared. He didn’t like the dark at all. It made him feel tinier. Nervously Jay put the string of his hoodie in his mouth and began to nibble it as he looked around.
And that’s when he heard it; quiet, babyish crying. Jay instantly knew it was Niki; he’d heard that cry before. He’d heard it when Niki regressed. Niki regressed to a mostly nonverbal baby headspace so he cried a lot when regressed. Jay knew it was him. And even though he was still scared of the dark a lot Jay knew his dongsaeng needed him and he kept going.
Jay found Niki a little ways up the path sitting behind a bush. Jay felt like his heart was going to explode when he saw Niki; he looked SO sad! He was sitting on his knees by the bush, his face buried in his hands as he wept uncontrollably, big tears rolling down his face and snot dripping from his nose.
“Riki” Jay said gently crouching down in front of him. He didn’t want to scare him. Niki was just a little baby; he must be so scared to be out here all alone!
Niki looked up, surprised, so surprised he stopped crying for a minute. “Jay?” Niki asked with big eyes swimming in tears as he looked at Jay with confusion.
When Niki looked at him like that, with big trusting eyes it made Jay’s heart feel all warm and fuzzy.
“Yeah it’s me baby” Jay said warmly. He held out his arms so Niki could hug him and Niki immediately fell into Jay’s waiting arms, sobbing like his whole heart was broken.
Hearing Niki cry made Jay feel like he wanted to cry. He was so tired! He wanted to go to bed with his plushies and Heeseung Appa! And they were in the scary dark and Jay didn’t like it. But he didn’t want to scare Niki more so he was a big boy and didn’t cry. He hugged Niki tight and said, “It’s okay. Big brother is here.”
Niki hugged him tight back and whimpered, “Mama! Want Mama!” In Japanese, crying harder.
Sunoo was Niki’s Mama, his main caregiver. When he was really little like he was now nothing could satisfy him but Mama.
“Mama….Mama” Niki continued to whimpered sadly.
Jay pulled back to he could look into Niki’s eyes. “It’s okay Riki” he assured him. “I’ll find Mama. He’s right here close somewhere.”
He hoped that would calm Niki but he still continued to cry and call for mama. Jay felt a little lost and then he noticed something he hadn’t before. Niki kept pulling at his pants and looking uncomfortable. Jay looked down and noticed a huge wet spot across his lap and down between his legs. Uh oh! Niki had had an accident! He’d never had one before but he’d only regressed a few times and they’d been at home and he’d always worn a diaper. Jay nibbled on his hoodie string as his tummy felt jumpy. He felt bad for Niki. Jay didn’t have very many accidents but he hated when he did. He felt wet and cold and yucky and very, very embarrassed. He had to help him. He was sure that’s why he was still upset.
“ I see now” Jay said understandingly, patting Niki’s leg. “You accidentally went pee in your pants but that’s okay. You stay right here and I’ll go get Mama, okay?”
Niki looked understandably upset and scared but Jay took off anyway. He had to get help because he didn’t really know how to help Niki. They weren’t at home and didn’t have diapers with them.
Jay rushed back to the picnic table where Appa was and climbed up next to him. “Appa!” He said tugging on his arm. “Niki is a baby. He’s crying. He had an accident and he wants Sunoo.”
“Uh oh” Appa said setting his phone down. He looked around for Sunoo. “We better go find him. Sounds like Niki is feeling little like you.”
Appa took Jay’s hand and they walked over to where Sunoo was sitting on a bench by the curb with Jungwon.
“Hey Sunoo” Heeseung said catching his attention. “Niki is regressed right now. Jay found him; he’s regressed too. I guess he’s pretty upset. He had an accident too. He’s crying for you.”
Sunoo jumped up immediately looking concerned. “Oh no! Where’s he at?”
“I show you!” Jay said helpfully, jumping up and down a little bit.
He reached out and grabbed Sunoo’s hand eager to help his dongsaeng.
“I’ll go to the car and find some clothes for Niki” Heeseung said. “Hopefully we can get him changed before the other car gets here. I’ll meet you at the bathroom.”
“Okay thanks hyung” Sunoo said.
Sunoo held on to Jay’s hand and let him lead him. Jay took off running, pulling Sunoo with him. They had to hurry! Niki was really crying and he was wet and he had to be cold!
They found Niki right where Jay had left him, still sobbing uncontrollably and whining, “Mama! Mama”
Sunoo rushed over to him, crouching down in front of him. “Riki baby, it’s okay. I’m here.”
The effect of Sunoo’s words on Niki was immediate. He immediately dropped his hands from his face, stopped crying, a smile of pure delight crossed his face.
“Mama!” Niki said with a big beaming smile before wrapping his arms around Sunoo’s neck and hugging tight.
Sunoo and Niki looked so happy. Jay was so happy to see his dongseang happy and well again but at the same time it made him miss Appa. He suddenly wanted to tell Sunoo and Niki to hurry so they could go to the bathroom where Appa was meeting them. He wanted to hug Appa the way Niki was hugging Sunoo.
"It's okay baby; Mama is here and everything will be okay" Sunoo assured Niki as he rubbed his back. When Niki finally calmed down, Sunoo pulled back and looked into Niki's eyes.
"Riki, you've had an accident" Sunoo said gently. "We're going to have to go get changed"
Niki looked down at his lap as if just now realizing he'd had an accident. "Oh no!" Niki said suddenly, looking sad and wiggling around uncomfortably.
Sunoo squeezed his hand comfortingly and Niki instantly calmed. "Accidents happen" Sunoo said calmly. "Let's go to the bathroom and get changed."
Niki followed Sunoo's lead instantly, taking his hand and following Sunoo as he led Niki toward the bathrooms. Surprisingly, Sunoo turned toward Jay and said, "Jay, can you help me?"
Him help Sunoo? He liked being a helper! What did big Sunoo need help with? "Yes hyungie! I a good helper" Jay said instantly with a big nod.
"Okay, that's a good boy" Sunoo said with a big encouraging smile. "I know Niki doesn't like the bathroom when he's little and he might be scared in there. Can you help me distract him and show him he doesn't need to be scared? Because you're such a big boy and go to the bathroom so well?"
Jay nodded vigorously. "Yes hyungie! I help Niki a lot; show him the potty isn't scary even though he wants diapies."
"That's such a good hyung" Sunoo encouraged with a smile.
Sunoo led Niki toward the bathrooms, Jay following closely beside them. Heeseung was standing out in front of the bathroom with some of Niki's clothes.
"They should be here any time with the new car" Heeseung said as he handed Sunoo the clothes.
"We'll try to hurry" Sunoo said, "Jay's going to be my big helper, aren't you?"
Jay nibbled on his hoodie string, nodding and feeling shy.
"Awww Jay you're such a good big brother" Appa said giving Jay a big smile. Jay felt even shyer but in a good way. When Appa told him nice things it made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Sunoo, Niki and Jay went into the bathroom which was thankfully empty. Niki was not happy at the sight of the bathroom. As soon as the toilets came into view Niki began to whimper and whine, trying to turn around and leave. Sunoo stopped him, gently putting his hands on his arms and steering him back toward one of the stalls. "I know you don't like the bathroom" Sunoo said understandingly. "You don't have to use the potty; we're just changing your clothes."
Niki didn't try to fight Sunoo anymore but he still looked upset. "No" Niki said weakly, his eyes big and scared.
Jay didn't want Niki to start crying again. He grabbed Niki's free hand and gave it a big squeeze. "It's okay Riki" Jay assured him. "I'm your big brother; I won’t let anything bad happen to you."
Niki looked at him and gave a big pout but he didn't cry; he let them led him into the stall.
"Okay baby" Sunoo said gently to Niki "We've got to take your wet clothes off so we can put clean ones on. When we get home we can put you in a nice dry diaper okay? You want me or Jay to change you?"
"Mama do" Niki said, still looking on the verge of tears, eyes darting over to the toilet.
"Okay" Sunoo said giving Niki a smile.
Sunoo undid the button and zipper on Niki's pants and pulled them and his wet underwear off. As soon as they were off Niki tried to take off, making a beeline for the stall door.
Jay grabbed him. "Riki, you silly goose you can’t leave the bathroom with no pants on!" Jay teased. He was laughing and Niki watched him; that made him laugh too! Jay was glad to see Niki laugh.
"Silly baby Riki; trying to run around like a nakey butt!" Jay said, laughing harder, making Niki laugh harder too.
While they were distracted Sunoo had grabbed a wet paper towel to wipe Niki off with. "You two are so silly!" Sunoo said with a big grin. "Riki, baby; let's sit down for just one second so I can wipe the pee pee off your skin before we put your clothes on."
Sunoo grabbed Niki's hand and gently sat him down on the potty so he could wipe him down. Niki was definitely NOT okay with that! As soon as his butt hit the toilet seat Niki looked panicked, trying to wiggle off.
"It's just for one second" Sunoo assured him. "I don't want you to get a rash, pee pee is bad for your skin."
Obviously Niki was too little to understand this. He burst into tears, wailing loudly as big crocodile tears ran down his face. Oh no! Jay had to help somehow! Just then he got a good idea! He'd sing to Niki! Niki loved singing! Especially baby shark!
"Hey, Riki! Riki! Help me sing baby shark! "Jay said, standing next to Sunoo so Niki could see him while Sunoo was wiping him down.
"Baby shark do do do, baby shark doo doo, baby shark!" Jay began to sing, doing the hand motions.
Niki looked up at Jay as he sang. He looked so pitiful, clinging to the toilet for dear life as if he might fall in, his face red and covered in tears. But after a moment Niki stopped crying, smiling as Jay continued to sing. He went to do the hand motions but realized he wouldn't be able to hold on if he did so he just held on and swayed to the song as if he wanted to dance.
They were having such a good time. Jay was singing and Niki was laughing and he wasn't scared anymore at all. Sunoo had almost managed to completely get his pants and underwear on when it all stopped. Niki's swaying around on the toilet must have triggered the automatic flusher to go off because the toilet gave a huge loud flush right then! It was so loud! Jay hated it! He covered his ears because it kept going off and sounded so loud. Jay didn't like toilets that flush on their own; theirs at home didn’t and he didn't like it. He liked to be able to flush it himself.
Niki completely freaked out. He jumped off the toilet as he started wailing. Sunoo managed to pull his pants up as Niki flung himself into his arms, screaming, obviously terrified.
"It’s okay baby" Sunoo soothed him. "It's just a loud potty; it can't hurt you. Let's get your clothes and get out of here."
Jay watched as Sunoo comforted a crying Niki, his hands still on his ears, He was scared too! He wanted his Appa now! Jay burst into tears.
"Oh Jay, what's wrong?" Sunoo asked as he rubbed Niki's head gently. Jay wanted someone to hold him and rub his head!
"I want my Appa!" Jay wailed, rubbing at his sleepy, tear filled eyes.
"It's okay. Let's go" Sunoo encouraged. He grabbed Niki's wet clothes and guided Niki out of the bathroom. Jay followed closely behind, holding onto the edge of Sunoo's jacket.
When they finally got out of the bathroom, Appa was standing there waiting on them. Jay immediately ran to him, throwing his arms around his neck and burying his face in his good smelling chest. It felt so good when Appa wrapped his arms around him and held him close.
"What's wrong Jay? I thought you were going to be Sunoo's special helper" Heeseung asked looking from Jay to Niki who was still crying.
"Too loud toilet flushing; scary" Jay said. He rubbed his face into Heeseung's hoodie and wished that he could just go to sleep there.
“Oh…. it’s okay now” Appa said, hugging him close. “No more loud noises. And look there’s our car; we can finally go home where we can get you nice and comfy.”
Jay wanted to hold on to Appa forever but he reluctantly let go as the car pulled up. He looked over at Niki and was glad to see he’d stopped crying too. He was clinging to Sunoo’s arm as they walked to the car but otherwise looked to be okay.
Jay sat next to Appa in the car, scooting as close as he could and wrapped his fingers around Appa’s. He wanted to climb into Appa’s lap and it was really hard to make himself hold off. He wanted to curl up in Appa’s lap and feel warm and safe and go sleep. But he knew he wasn’t supposed to do that when he wasn’t at home so he just leaned his head on Appa’s shoulder.
He must have gone to sleep though because in no time at all he was being jolted awake. Instead of warm and cozy and asleep in the dark there were bright lights in his face and noise as the others got out of the car and Appa was making him get up.
“Come on Jay” Appa urged gently. “We’re home. Let’s go inside and get changed and something to eat.”
But Jay didn’t want to do anything! He wanted to sleep! The lights hurt his eyes and the outside air was cold and Jay felt so overwhelmed. His skin felt like it was crawling and he didn’t like it!
“Wanna sleep!” Jay wailed feeling the urge to cry well up in his eyes.
“You can sleep sweetie” Appa said. “But you have to come inside. You can’t sleep here.”
“Carry me Appa!” Jay wailed. His eyes were fuzzy from tears and his lip was wobbly. He popped his thumb into his mouth and sucked on it hard as a tear ran down his face.
“I can’t carry you Jay; you’re too big” Appa said softly.
Jay didn’t feel big! He felt small and wanted Appa to carry him! He wished his body wasn’t so big. He started to cry.
“Jay, it’s okay” Appa said. He held out a hand. “Come on, hold my hand tight. We’re almost there.”
Jay grabbed Appa’s hand with that hand that wasn’t in his mouth. It was hard to walk. He was so tired and he had to pee and he was hungry! He was feeling too many things at once!
Jay saw Sunoo helping Niki inside with the help of Sunghoon. Niki was walking but just barely. As soon as they got in the door Niki fell down into his knees and started crying. He was so loud and it hurt Jay’s ears! Jay couldn’t take anything anymore! He flung himself on the ground next to Niki, opened his mouth and started screaming, tearing rolling down his face, banging his fists on the ground. Nothing else existed except his mad!
“Oh my, they’re really not happy” Sunoo said looking at Jay and Niki both having a meltdown on the floor. He grabbed Niki’s pacifier off the living room table from where he’d used a few days ago and popped it into Niki’s mouth.
“It’s okay baby, it’s okay” Sunoo shushed Niki, rubbing his hair as Niki took the pacifier in his mouth and started sucking. Niki stopped crying. He sat up and rubbed the tears off his face as he sucked contently.
Jay on the other hand was another story. He was still wailing. His face felt hot and tears streamed down it. He saw the pacifier in Niki’s mouth and he wanted it right now! He’d been good and waited all this time. He needed a paci!
Jay forgot to be a good hyung for minute. Wanting the paci, he decided to just take it! He sat up, reached over to Niki and pulled the paci from his mouth and stuck it in his own. Finally! Something felt good! Jay sucked on the paci hard and it gave him warm fuzzies in his tummy. That was sooo much better! Jay closed his eyes, curled up on the floor like a kitty intending to sleep there.
Jay was unaware of the turmoil he’d put Niki in. As soon as Jay took his paci, Niki burst into tears again, wailing at the top of his lungs. He made a grabby motion for his paci but Jay didn’t see that because his eyes were closed. So Niki decided to get his attention another way. Leaning down toward the closest available bit of bare skin he could find Niki bit Jay on the hand; hard.
Jay was roused from his warm fuzzies by the feeling of sharp pain in his hand. Ouch! That hurt! A lot! Jay’s eyes popped open and he saw Niki biting him! How could he!?
“Riki! No! No biting!” Sunoo chided him but Niki wouldn’t let go until Jay had relinquished hold on his paci. As Jay felt the pain go through his hand he started screaming again. The paci fell out as he cried loudly and Niki wasted no time in scooping it up and putting it in his own mouth. He crawled over to Sunoo and curled up in his lap, glaring at Jay.
“Riki, you can’t bite your hyung!” Sunoo scolded but Niki just curled up closer to him.
Jay looked at his hand. There were red indentions on his skin where Niki had bit him and it hurt so bad! He flung himself on the floor and screamed.
“Appa! Appa!” Jay wailed. Where was he?! Why wasn’t he here?
Jungwon sat down next to Jay and put his hand on his belly. “Jay, Heeseung went to look for your paci. He’s coming back.”
“Niki bited me!” Jay said in a trembling voice. He showed Jungwon the angry welt on his hand.
“Oh, you poor thing” Jungwon said sympathetically as he took Jay’s hand in his own. “You want me to kiss it?”
“Yes” Jay said with a pout. Jungwon kissed his boo boo and it did make it feel better. But he still couldn’t stop crying.
“What’s going on in here?” Appa asked as he came back in the room.
At the sound of Appa’s voice Jay sat up and whipped around to where he walked in. Jay needed him!
Jay jumped up and ran to Appa flinging himself into his arms so hard Heeseung had to sit down on the floor to catch him. Jay fell into Appa’s lap and wrapped his hands around his neck, burying his face in his neck as he wailed, “Riki’s mean!”
“What?” Heeseung asked in confusion looking at Niki curled up in Sunoo’s lap. Jay and Niki were always kind to each other in little space.
“Jay took Niki’s pacifier and then Niki bit him to get it back” Sunoo explained.
Jay whimpered at the memory; Niki’s teeth hurt! He held up his hand so Appa could see it.
Appa took Jay’s hand and held it gently. Appa’s hands were so warm and soft it already made his boo boo feel better.
“Oh my, that is a big boo boo” Appa said sympathetically. He rubbed Jay’s hand gently and then kissed it. That really made it feel better!
“I’m sorry Niki bit you but you shouldn’t have taken his paci” Appa explained gently.
“He hurt me!” Jay said. It was so unfair! Niki had been badder than him!
“I know he did but you took his paci” Appa reminded him. “You don’t like when Niki takes your things. Niki is too little to tell you he’s mad so he bit you.”
"Niki no bite! Bad baby!" Jay insisted, glaring at Niki with madness. He didn't like that Appa was telling him that he had done wrong. He hadn't! He was the hurt one here!
Niki didn't like being told he was bad. He started to cry and Sunoo hugged him closely, whispering, "It's okay Riki, don't cry '' in a nice voice as if Niki hadn't just bit him! It was all so unfair and he was so tired he felt so bad! Jay burst into tears and even though Appa tried to console him, Jay jumped up and ran out of the room and to his bedroom. He jumped into his bed and cried into his pillow. Normally he loved his bed but right now he felt bad and naughty and not right and it didn't feel good at all.
Appa came in the room a minute later and sat down on the bed next to Jay. Appa looked tired but he was giving Jay a little smile. "Jay, don't run away from me" he said gently.
"You think I'm bad!" Jay whimpered. He rubbed his hand; it had started to hurt again.
Appa noticed and took his hand. He rubbed the bite mark on his hand gently. "I don't think you're bad," he said. "I was just explaining why Niki bit you. He's a baby. He can't really talk; you know that. He can't say he wants his paci or that he wants you to give it back. He needed you to notice him so he bit you. But you're a big boy. If you want a paci then you just have to ask for it. That's actually why I left; to go get yours. See?"
Appa held out Jay's paci. It was his new one that Appa had just gotten him. It was pretty blue and glittery and said, 'I love my daddy' on it. Jay wanted it! He opened his mouth and let Appa put it in. It felt perfect and comforting in his mouth and Jay already felt better. When Appa tried to cuddle him, Jay let him. It felt good to have Appa's arms around and bury his face in his Appa's chest.
"We should go say sorry to Niki" Appa told him. "I don't like to see you two mad are at each other."
"Okay Appa" Jay said. "I don't want to be mad at Niki either."
Jay sucked on his pacifier hard and his eyes felt fuzzy. "Wanna go to sleep though" he said as he yawned, having to grab his paci from falling out of his mouth.
Appa played with his hair. "I know you're so tired, baby," he said understandingly. "And I promise after you eat some yummy dinner and get jammies on you can sleep as long as you want"
Jay shifted uncomfortably next to Appa. His tummy did hurt like it wanted food but something else hurt too. He wiggled next to Appa and it hurt more. Ouch! Jay's hands grabbed between his legs. "My penis hurts!" Jay whined around his pacifier.
Appa burst into laughter. "Well then it sounds like you need to go to the bathroom too" he said with a giggle. "We better do that first; we wouldn't want you to have an accident like Niki did."
“Oh no, I definitely don't want to have an accident!" Jay said. He wasn't like Niki; he was a big boy and he didn't need diapers! As soon as he stood up to go to the bathroom it felt all funny down there like he was really about to have an accident!
"Uh oh, I really gotta go!" Jay said, holding himself and feeling his heart begin to beat too fast.
"Hurry! Go! Do you need my help?" Appa asked. He knew Jay usually didn't need help in the bathroom, only sometimes.
"Um....just help me with my belt" Jay said, lifting up his shirt so Appa could undo it. He'd put these clothes on when he was big and belts were too tricky when little.
Appa undid his belt for him and then Jay was racing for the bathroom. Luckily he made it just in time! All his pee got in the toilet and Jay felt so much better. At least he wasn't hurting down there.
When he got back to the bedroom Appa had gotten out his footed pajamas and Jay couldn't wait to put them on because they were so warm and cozy and comfy. Right before Christmas Appa had bought him and Niki matching footies. They were red and had green Christmas trees on them; they were super cute! The others had even insisted on taking pictures of them in front of the Christmas tree. They'd all thought they were the cutest things, especially one they'd captured of Niki taking his paci out and giving Jay a big kiss on the cheek. That one was still hanging up on the refrigerator. It made Jay a little embarrassed to look at it when he was big but not too embarrassed. Niki did look pretty adorable in it.
"Alright, let's get your jammies on," Appa said, holding them out. He helped Jay take off his shirt and jeans and Jay held on to Appa as he stepped into the footies before Appa zipped them up. Appa grabbed doggy off Jay's bed and handed it to him. Jay hugged doggy tight and sucked his paci. It did make him feel better even if he was still so tired.
"Ready to go make up with Niki?" Appa asked.
"Yes Appa" said Jay as he gave a big nod.
They stopped in Niki's room on the way and grabbed Niki's matching pajamas, a diaper and Niki's pink blankie. Jay carried them so Niki would know he wasn't mad at him anymore. When they got to the living room Sunoo was still holding Niki who looked about to go to sleep. The others were in the kitchen setting out take out containers and dishes so they could all eat, everyone taking turns changing into pajamas and washing up.
Jay walked over to Niki and Sunoo and handed Sunoo the items so he could change Niki. Niki instantly took the blankie and held it close to him, rubbing the silky edge on his face. He watched Jay and it didn't seem like he was mad at him anymore. Still, he knew he had to apologize.
"Riki, I'm sorry" Jay said feeling shy and looking at his feet as he fiddled with doggy. "I'm sorry I took your paci. And I'm sorry I called you bad. You're not a bad baby. You're a good baby and I love you." And just so Jay was sure Niki understood, he repeated I love you in Japanese.
Niki's eyes lit up so Jay was pretty sure he understood. He reached out and grabbed for Jay's hand.
For a minute Jay almost pulled his hand back. His heart got all fast from fear because he almost thought Niki was going to bite him again. But he didn't; Niki gave him a big, wet kiss on his hand right where he'd bitten him before.
"Awww, I think that's Niki's way of telling you he's sorry" Sunoo said with a big smile.
Jay smiled at Niki kissing his hand. "Good," he said, feeling better. "I'm glad we're not mad anymore."
"Me too," Sunoo agreed. "Let's get Niki dressed up cute like you now."
Niki apparently did not like the idea of being changed. When Sunoo lay Niki down on the floor on his back he started wiggling and whining, reaching up for Sunoo. "Mama! Mama!" he said looking like he was about to cry.
"I'm just changing you, baby" Sunoo said with a smile, enjoying how clingy Niki was to him in little space. "It will only take a minute."
Niki still didn't like that answer. "No!" Niki insisted, tears in his eyes.
Jay jumped in like a good big brother. "Riki, hey, look" Jay said, laying down next to Niki on the floor. "I'll lay with and pretend I'm getting changed too."
Niki watched Jay curiously as he lay down next to him. He still didn't seem to be too happy Sunoo wasn't holding him but he stopped acting like he was going to cry. He sucked on his paci and watched Jay's face as Sunoo took off Niki's clothes. When Niki was all nakey Jay reached over and began to tickle him on his bare skin. Niki started to giggle and wiggle his whole body. Jay liked hearing Niki laugh so he tickled him more until he laughed so hard his paci fell out of his mouth.
"Jay, you're going to make him laugh so much he's going to pee pee all over me before I even get his diaper on" Sunoo teased.
"Okay hyungie, I'll stop" Jay said even though he wanted to keep doing it. He knew Sunoo couldn’t put his diaper on like that.
Sunoo slid Niki's diaper underneath him and pulled it tight around him before tapping it down. Then he got Niki's wiggly legs in the footies before putting in his arms and zipping it up. Jay retrieved Niki's paci and popped it in his mouth. Now dressed, Niki immediately sat up and crawled back into Sunoo's lap, looking happy.
"There we go, now we have cute, warm Jay and Niki twinsies," Sunoo said, giving them a smile.
Jay felt warm and fuzzy; he liked being cute!
"Okay everyone, the food is ready" Jungwon called out from the kitchen.
Jay stood up and immediately sought out Appa, taking his hand. "I'm not really hungry, Appa" he said, feeling suddenly tired.
"I know you're tired" Appa said, "but your body needs food. Let's try to eat a little bit before we go to bed. I'll help you, okay?"
Jay wanted to sleep but eating wouldn't be so bad if Appa fed him. He liked when Appa fed him a lot. Jay followed Appa into the kitchen and sat down extra close to him at the table so he could feel him. His hyungies were already in there eating. Sunoo was struggling to get Niki to come in as well. Niki wanted to be carried and didn't want to walk on his own but Sunoo couldn't carry him because he was too big. Sunoo tried to help him walk but Niki didn't want to walk. He threw himself down on the ground in the kitchen doorway and started screaming, throwing a fit. He threw his paci and his blankie across the room and then when there was nothing else to throw he flung himself down and started kicking the ground hard.
"Mama! Mama!" Niki wailed, his face red, tears streaming down it.
"Riki, baby, I'm right here" Sunoo said soothingly a few feet from him. "I can't carry you. Crawl over here to the table and you can sit on my lap."
But Niki just kept screaming and making grabby hands at Sunoo. "I think his headspace is getting smaller, '' Sunoo said, looking worried. “I don't think he understands me."
Jay tried to get Niki's attention, thinking maybe he'd listen to him.
"Riki! Hey Riki!" Jay called out, speaking in Japanese to get him to better understand. "Come here, baby! Crawl to brother."
Niki looked at him while he was speaking but he made no move to actually do what Jay said. He threw himself back again, screaming and throwing a fit loudly.
Sunghoon got up from the table and retrieved Niki's paci and blankie from close to his chair. He crouched down next to Niki and said, "Here Riki, you want this?" He held out the paci to put it back in his mouth. Niki sat up to look at Sunghoon and when he saw the paci he opened his mouth and stopped crying long enough for Sunghoon to put it in his mouth. He sucked on it as he reached out for the blanket. He wrapped his arms around Sunghoon's neck and said, "Up! Up!"
"Ugh, I'm not sure I can pick you up, Riki, you're big" Sunghoon said with a little laugh. But he tried and Jay thought he was super strong because after a few tries Sunghoon managed to lift Niki up and half carry, half drag him to the table and put him on Sunoo’s lap. Niki instantly wrapped himself around Sunoo and curled up in his lap, looking content as he sucked on his pacifier and closed his eyes.
"Good thing you've been working out so much hyung" Jungwon teased. "Who would have thought it'd come in handy to carry a giant baby."
Jay was beginning to feel sleepier. He couldn't stop yawning and he wanted to just lay down on the table and go to sleep. He was laying his head on doggy when Appa got his attention.
"Don't go to sleep yet" Appa urged him gently. "Let's eat first."
Jay sat up with a huge yawn and whimpered. "I'm tired" he whined, rubbing his eyes.
"I know" Appa said understandingly. "Let me feed you."
Jay opened his mouth big and wide and let Appa feed him. He didn't want to eat but he did eat every bit that Appa gave him as his hyungies ate their food too.
Niki on the other hand wasn't having it.
Sunoo was trying to feed Niki tiny bits with his chopsticks but Niki just shook his head from side to side and resisted any attempts to be fed. He started to cry and no coaxing from Sunoo or anyone else could get him to change his mind.
"Ba-ba" Niki whimpered between tiny, tired cries. "Ba-ba"
"I know you want your bottle but you need to eat food too" Sunoo gently urged him. Niki turned away from the food at his mouth, burying his face in Sunoo's neck and continuing to cry "Ba-ba"
Niki kept resisting attempts at Sunoo feeding him getting more and more upset. Sunoo looked helplessly at Heeseung, “What should I do? He needs to eat out he won’t.”
Heeseung popped a bit of food into Jay’s waiting mouth and said, “I know he needs to eat but I think he’s so little he just wants milk. I think it’s best to try and not force it; he won’t eat. Just give him a bottle. When we wakes up he’ll be big and he can eat. It’d be better to just make him feel secure and give him a bottle now and let him sleep.”
“Okay” Sunoo said a bit sadly. “I feel bad not feeding him but I guess giving him a bottle is feeding him.”
Jake got up from the table and set about making a bottle for Niki while Sunoo ate some dinner himself, Niki clinging to him fiercely. Jay was beginning to feel very tired and strange. He watched Jake as he filled the bottle with milk and warmed it up. He wants it; really wants it. But it’s Niki’s and he kept whimpering for it and even though Jay wants it he knows it’s Niki’s and he can’t have it. He hung his head tiredly, grabbing his paci and putting it back in his mouth. He was done eating. He wanted to go to bed.
Jay watched with envy as Sunghoon helped Sunoo carry Niki into the living room to feed him his bottle. Appa and Jungwon were clearing up the dishes as the others went in the living room. Jay wanted Appa but he was busy so he drug himself into the living room hugging doggy tight. When he got in there he saw Sunoo on the couch with Niki curled up in his lap. Niki’s eyes were closed and he looked so content as he gently sucked on the bottle. Sunoo held him close and Jake and Sunghoon were sitting beside them, cooing at Niki, saying he was cute and how precious he and Sunoo were together. Jay was done. He was so tired he wanted to sleep and he was burning with jealousy, seeing Niki get a bottle and loving from his hyungs while he just stood there. Jay flopped onto the ground, face down on the floor beginning to cry softly. He should get up and go to bed but he was just too tired and he simply gave up. Jay had thought everyone had forgotten him and he was surprised when a minute later he felt a big strong hand on his shoulder.
"Awww, Jay. Don’t cry" Appa said, his voice kind and gentle.
Jay sat up and saw Appa and Jungwon sitting next to him. He was still crying and his feelings felt so big he couldn't stop himself from throwing himself at Appa, crashing into Appa's side. Appa wrapped his arms around Jay and on the other side Jungwon scooted next to him, holding him too. It was like an Appa and Jungwon sandwich and Jay was wonderfully crushed in the middle. He still had tears rolling down his cheeks but he was beginning to feel warm and fuzzy and he was almost about to smile. This felt nice.
"You didn't think we forgot about you, did you silly?" Appa asked giving him a tight squeeze.
"Yes" Jay said, his lip wobbling thinking about Niki getting all the love while he was super duper jealous of him.
"We were just cleaning up" Appa said. "We could never forget you, baby. I turned around to tell you I was almost done and you were gone."
"We could never forget about our adorable little baby Jay" Jungwon said, squeezing Jay tight.
Jay closed his eyes and smiled. He liked this; his hyungs loved him.
After a long while of being held and cuddled, Appa said, "Would you like your bottle now?"
Jay's head popped up and he looked around curiously. He got a bottle too?! He had wanted one so badly!
"I get a bottle?" Jay asked hopefully as Jungwon brushed the tears off his cheeks with a gentle hand.
"Of course you get a bottle" Appa said with a laugh, holding up Jay's bottle that was filled with warm milk. "You didn't think we'd give Niki one and not you, did you?"
Jay shrugged shyly. "Maybe" he admitted. That was exactly what he had thought.
"We wouldn't do that to you" Appa said. "Especially after you were such a good boy and ate all your food without complaining."
"I want it, I want it!" Jay said, pulling his paci out and opening his mouth wide. Appa and Jungwon both laughed.
"Okay" Appa said, looking amused. "Let's go get cozy in bed and enjoy it."
Appa and Jungwon helped Jay stand up and Appa put his arm around him while they walked to Appa's room. One last look at Niki and Jay saw him curled up fast asleep in Sunoo's lap. He had finished his bottle and his eyes were closed, his pacifier moving gently in his mouth. Sunoo held him close and ran his fingers gently through Niki's hair and he looked so calm and peaceful; Jay felt tiny butterflies in his tummy thinking that soon enough that would be him. He'd get to drink and bottle with Appa and finally, finally go to sleep.
Appa turned on the nightlight he kept by his bed for Jay and then turned out the lights. The room was left dark except for the tiny glow of rainbow colored stars from the nightlight. Jay might be a little afraid of the dark if it wasn't for Appa; he knew nothing bad would happen to him with Appa there. Jay watched Appa turn down the covers of the bed and grab an extra blanket, a big, warm, fluffy one and Jay knew exactly what that was for and it made him get even more tummy butterflies and feel littler and littler. Appa spread the fluffy blanket across his bed and said, "Okay baby; you lie down in the middle of the blankie and I'll wrap you up."
"Like a burrito?" Jay asked eagerly with a big smile on his face. Appa liked to tease him and make him laugh saying he looked like a burrito when he was wrapped up in a swaddle.
Appa laughed. "Yep, it's burrito time" he said.
Jay laid down in the middle of the fluffy blanket, letting his body finally, finally go still. He loved the feeling of being swaddled. He didn't know why exactly but the feeling of slight pressure and the restriction of movement he got from it was very comforting. Not to mention that it made him feel extra little to be held this way and often made him slip to an even younger headspace. He already felt better just lying there before Appa even began to swaddle him.
A moment later Appa began to pull the blanket tightly around Jay, first wrapping it to one side and tucking it in tight and repeating it on the other side. When Appa was done Jay was tightly rolled up in a cozy blanket burrito, unable to move and knowing that Appa would have to do everything for him. His head was getting fuzzy and smaller. When he got small like this his thoughts were different than when he was just normal little. Everything had a warm fuzzy glow to it; movement was harder and words seemed to lose all meaning. First they were a mess of jumbled English and Korean that made little sense and then they just disappeared completely, like they were gone out of his head. When Jay reflected on this later he wondered if this was what Niki felt like all the time as tiny as he was. When Jay was this tiny he often didn't have so much thought as feelings; he could feel everything dialed up the good and the bad. He could feel the good extra, like the warmth of the blanket on his skin, the security of the swaddle and Appa's hands on him, the pacifier perfectly in his mouth. But he could also feel the bad dialed up too; like how thirsty he was for his bottle and how he felt desperately alone and wrong when Appa wasn’t touching him. He wanted to tell Appa to hold him but his words were gone and all he could do was cry. He let out a tiny sad cry and his paci fell out of his mouth and that was even worse! Now he didn't have a paci and he couldn't reach it. Jay cried a little harder.
"Aww, baby don't cry. I'm right here" Appa said close to him. When Jay opened his teary eyes and looked up Appa was right above him. He leaned down and wiped Jay's tears away from his face and sat down on the bed. "Appa's got you" Appa said and reached for Jay. With a little struggle and fumbling around, Appa managed to pull Jay close and drape him across his lap, cradling his head with one arm. It felt so good to be held by Appa like this, safe and warm and secure. A moment later he felt the press of the bottle's nipple against his lips. He instantly opened up wide to take it in and his mouth effortlessly began to suckle, the milk warm against his tongue before slipping down his throat and into his belly. By the time that he had drunk the whole bottle his belly felt warm and full and now the only feelings he had were good ones. The bad ones were gone, leaving more room for the good ones like how full his belly was, how good his mouth felt as Appa replaced his paci, how safe and loved he felt in Appa's arms. He'd been fighting sleep all day but now he didn't have to fight it anymore. He drifted off to sleep finally, the last thing he was aware of being how gently Appa rubbed his cheek and kissed his forehead and whispered, "I love you so much, baby."