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It was one of these nights. Husk was abruptly awaken by a scream from Angel. It was always the same thing when this happened. During the first seconds, he had to struggle to at least open one of his eyes, but then, when he saw the state his boyfriend was in, it was like some sudden unexplained inner strength made the job for him and he quickly did what he knew he had to do in this situation.
It was not quite easy to keep his composure and a reassuring tone, when himself was so affected to see the man he loved like this. His harrowing sobs between shortened breaths, his eyes filled with tears and trauma, his whole body trembling like a leaf, his many hands clenching on the sheets…
- Angie, hey, it’s alright. You’re in the Hotel, in my room, with me.
And there began his usual method to bring Angel back down there, step by step, to make him realize that he had nothing to fear, that he was safe, in a comfy warm bed, and not alone.
- I’m just gonna take your hand and put in on my chest, okay?
Husk took one of his hands in his paw, gently to make sure he wouldn’t freak out even more. He put the hand under the left side of his collarbone, so Angel could feel his heartbeat. Maybe it seemed cheesy, but hearing this low and steady sound helped soothing him, and it was all that mattered now.
- Angel, sweetheart, we gonna breathe, okay? I take deep breaths and you follow me, just like you did for me the other night, alright?
He started to take long, deep breaths, waiting patiently for his lover to do the same and match the rhythm. It took a long time, a few minutes, but the feline knew it would work, Angel just needed to reconnect with reality, step by step, and regain some control over his own breathing. When their respiration was about in sync, the feline got slightly closer, still holding Angel’s hand.
- Are you okay with being touched now?
After another few seconds, the spider found the strength to nod affirmatively, so Husk started to rub his back. Angel’s mind was still floating in the thick fog of tormenting images and distant voices from his past, his death, his job, his boss… But the other demon’s mellow voice and touch were so soothing, they slowly but surely pulled him out of his miserable state.
- Alright. There, try to relax, honey. You’ll be okay, it will take some time but you’ll be okay.
The cat just kept waiting, gently sliding the back of his claws up and down his back in a slow motion, stroking the hand resting on his chest. He finally heard his lover’s almost inaudible voice, but the few he could hear was his name whispered in a broken sob.
- H-Husk…
- I’m here, Angie.
- D-on’t… leave me. Pl-ease…
- Of course I won’t. I’ll stay here right beside you, I promise.
The winged demon kept going with soft touches. Then, as Angel appeared to be able to speak again, he used another knack he’d learned when he had been the one stricken a panic attack – both of them would have said “unfortunately”, but at least they could now help each other. He quickly swept the bedroom with his eyes, then turned his attention back to his boyfriend.
- I’d like you to name three things you can see in the room. Can you do this for me, sweetheart?
Though he was still trembling a bit, Angel tried to process the best he could. He took some time to focus and looked around, searching for random items in the room.
- Th-the bedside lamp…
- Good. Another?
He kept searching, while his hands let go of the sheets one by one, as he was relaxing, step by step.
- Your hat…
- Mh-hm. One more?
- Uh… the… the dead bottles, there.
Not having expected this one – though he had to admit the many dead bottles in his room were quite obvious – the cat gave a smile and a snort of amusement.
- Heheh. True. See? You’re better already.
Angel scooted closer and snuggled up to Husk, he wrapped his free arms around him and let his head rest on his chest too.
- Now, can you name three things you can hear?
Again, Angel took the time to focus, closing his eyes to help. Two things were easily noticeable:
- Y-your voice.
- Mh.
- Your heartbeat…
- Yeah, and now yours is almost as steady. One last thing?
The arachnid kept listening around him, but there was nothing else he could name.
- I… uh… I-I don’t know…
As he started panicking again, Husk was quick to reassure him. He didn’t want to put more pressure on him than he was already feeling.
- That’s okay, fragolina – [little strawberry]. You’re already doin’ great.
Maybe it wasn’t the best answer, maybe he should have insisted a bit more or helped him find something, but Husk wasn’t very good at dealing with his boyfriend’s anxiety attacks – well, that’s what he thought, despite being told the contrary by Angel himself. But he did as it came, and he knew at least that the most important was being here for his beloved spider, listening to him, comforting him and distract him from the abyss he felt like he was drowned into.
Broadly speaking, he knew he couldn’t save him from everything he had to go through, but he wouldn’t stay there with his arms crossed and leave him deal with it alone. He wanted to be there for him, help him as much as he could, take care of him, support him during those hard moments. He knew how hard it could be to deal with panic attacks all alone.
Suddenly, he felt Angel tugging on his chest fur and speaking in a low and broken voice between sobs and sniffles.
- I… I’m sorry, Husky…
The cat kept rubbing his back gently and kissed his forehead affectionately.
- You don’t have to apologize, sweetheart, you did nothing wrong.
- It’s just… I feel so… It’s so stupid.
Hearing those words, Husk tightened his embrace, not too much so Angel still had plenty of space to breathe and recover, but enough to back up his answer.
- No, no, Angie, it’s not, and you know it. There’s nothing to be ashamed for. You’re strong, but you have all the rights to be vulnerable sometimes. It can happen to anyone.
There was an awkward silence for a few seconds and then, with all those pent up emotions, all those soft touches from his boyfriend, all those sweet nothings whispered in the dark, the dams broke and Angel burst into tears in Husk’s arms. The latter kept talking to him, holding him close to his heart and letting him cry his eyes out as long as he needed. Because he needed this.
- Look, caro mio – [my dear]. You’ve been through so much, and you’re still going through a lot of shit. But you keep holding your head high and being a sassy bitch. And just for that, you should be so proud of yourself… just like I am proud of you.
While he was speaking, he started to move back and forth, cradling them both.
- It’s just… You’ve been dealing with all that alone enough. You’re in the goddamn Happy Hotel now, with people who care about you.
Husk felt like he was losing the thread somehow, but while he was at it, the least he could do was to comfort Angel about as many of his fears as possible. And he knew that, beyond feeling weak and stupid when he was like this, his partner also tended to give in to his nasty inner voice telling him he was alone, worthless, undeserving of any kind of love, affection or even attention.
- You are worthy, Angie. To many people down here. To me. To yourself. And, you matter.
He kissed Angel’s forehead again and let go of his hand to wipe the trails his tears had left on his cheeks, then ran his claws in the pink dotted white hair.
- I’ll give you the space you need. Always. I know what it’s like. But… I won’t stay here and do nothing when you’re feelin’ bad. I’ll do whatever I can, even if it’s just being by your side and talk.
The arachnid just snuggled even closer, without a word. How in Hell did he get the chance to share his afterlife with such a kind, patient, understanding and caring man? Sure, he was an old grumpy drunkard who could tell basically everyone to piss off, including his own boss, and didn’t seem to care about anything else than his cards and his liquor. But, deep down, he was a real sweetheart, and he wasted absolutely no occasion to show that side of him to Angel. And damn, even though he was getting used to that somehow, he was always blown away by how lucky he was to have him.
- Hey, Angie?
- Mmh…?
The cat demon hesitated for a while, before asking:
- What did you wanna do when you were a kid?
Damn, that was probably the dumbest question he could have come up with! Or… Maybe not? After all, even if he was better with actions than with words, he knew that getting distracted from the effects or a panic attack, even by the most trivial of small talks, was the best way to get rid of it.
- Uh… I… What…?
- Just… focus on the question.
Still cautiously, Husk reached one of Angel’s hands again, brought it to his lips and kissed it softly. Even if it was past 4 am and the room was dark, he would have bet that Angel was blushing.
- It can be anything. Maybe you wanted to be… I don’t know, a schoolteacher, a fireman, an astronaut, or anything else.
- Husky…
Even if Angel already seemed to feel a bit less miserable, Husk didn’t want to take the risk seeing him drowning right back into what he was trying to pull him out from. He would keep holding his hand, literally and metaphorically, and talking with him to make all those bad memories go away.
- I’m serious. Childhood dreams matter, even if they don’t become real, even if they’re far behind.
His boyfriend looked so confused it made him indecently cute, Husk couldn’t help but smile at this.
- Amore, ti prego dimmi – [Love, please tell me].
- I… Uh… ‘kay.
Although a bit incredulous, Angel took the time to think about it. It all seemed so distant, it had been decades since he was dead and even more decades since he had to give up on the aspirations he had when he was a child…
- Actually, there were… many things I wanted to be. Like, uh… the most obvious, a cabaret artist.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah… And, uh, even a drag queen cabaret artist. But, heh, at that time…
- Why do you say it’s the most obvious?
- Well, look at me…
- Yeah, I am.
Oh, right, seeing beyond his persona, again. Angel had a spontaneous smile at the thought. If there was one thing about which Husk didn’t give a single damn, it was the image his boyfriend always gave to everyone else. Well, it’s not exactly that he didn’t care, he knew all that and he wouldn’t deny it and do just as if it didn’t exist. But he never considered Angel through this aspect.
Not that he was an innocent man, maybe he would have watched a few of his films or came to one of his shows, out of curiosity, if he wasn’t such a lazy drunkard. And he would be the worst liar if he didn’t admit the spider had an incredibly favorable physique, he was beyond beautiful and it was no mystery that his perfect body and pretty face were coveted by every denizen of Hell. However, he knew Angel was so much more than that, and he wanted to make sure it was obvious.
The arachnid tried not to focus on how much he was probably blushing and kept going.
- Uh, whatever… There was that. Also, I love dresses, costumes and all that stuff, so I wished I’d… create clothes, still for the stage, you know?
- Mh, indeed you seem to know a fair bit about fashion and all that.
His smile widening, Angel snuggled even closer to Husk.
- You know… up there, when I wasn’t enrolled for some crappy thankless task by the mob guys, I had some hobbies… which included cabaret shows.
- Wha-… Holy shit! You really did this??
- Yeah. But, dammit, I had to be extremely careful! If anyone recognized me under the drag persona, I could say goodbye cruel world and pray to avoid torture. That was fuckin’ dangerous.
While Angel was talking, Husk had started to gently stroke the hand he was holding.
- Wow…
- Yeah, I know. Impressive, right?
- Or rather suicidal, yeah.
- I always had the taste of risk, hun’.
The feline snorted and slightly shrugged, knowing how reckless yet so brave his better half could be. He didn’t know how things were up there for him, but he was, indeed, quite impressed. Also, he realized Angel was gradually getting back to his usual teasing, and even a bit flirty, good mood, which meant he was feeling better.
- Also… Aside from my dreams of glamour and glitz, I wanted to… uh, I don’t really know how to put it, but… Be around children, I guess? I don’t know how exactly, but… Work in a nursery, or in, uh, what’s the word? “pee-die-attics”? “peed-hat-tricks”? Pediatrics, yeah! Or, uh, just… anything related to childcare.
- Mh. So, you like kids?
- Yeah… I guess…
Both remained silent for a few seconds. While he was thinking deeper about his long forgotten aspirations, Angel put one of his lower hands on Husk’s thigh, fondling it slowly.
- But… There’s something else. Something stuck in my brain for a long time, even when I grew up.
- Yeah? What is it?
- Well, I… I’ve always loved fishes. When they’re alive, I mean! Like, all the underwater life down there, I just find it… fascinating, I don’t know why. I just… loved it. And… since I was a rugrat, I’d always wanted to… work in whatever was related to that too. An aquarium, an aquatic park, or even marine biology. I like science too, so it would’ve been… nice.
If there was anything the feline wouldn’t have expected about his boyfriend, it was that. Not that he underestimated his intelligence and curiosity, quite the contrary. But, he wouldn’t have guessed that.
- There are sooo many amazing things there! Like… did you know the blobfish can be found at depths between 2 and 4 thousand feet? And the pressure down there can be, like, a fuckin’ hundred times greater than on the surface! Oh, and the blobfish doesn’t actually swim, it just… floats.
At this instant, Husk saw a gleam in Angel’s bright pink eyes, something he couldn’t remember having seen already. There was a sparkle in his look, the kind where you see all the passion when someone is talking about a topic they really love. Full distraction from panic attack: achieved.
- Ha! Bet ya didn’t know that!
The winged demon shrugged and gave a smile.
- I didn’t even know the “blobfish” existed. Thanks for the lesson, kid.
With a large smirk, Angel immediately jumped at the chance and gave him a teasing wink.
- Oh, I can teach you so much more, handsome.
Husk rolled his eyes just for form, but the small yet amused smile he had couldn’t have fooled anyone, especially his partner. The latter giggled and gave him another peck on his cheek, then he laid his head back on his shoulder, enjoying the sensation of the large wing keeping him very close.
- But, heh, whatever… With the mob and all that shit, the few dreams I had were quickly smashed. And, anyway, here’s where I ended.
The feline felt a heartache at these words, but he didn’t know what to say. As he was still caressing Angel’s fingers, he felt he had to say something, even just a few words, the silence was too awkward and, even if he sucked at words, he really wanted to comfort him right now, at least try.
- I, uh, don’t know if that’s what I’m supposed to say, but… You would’ve been great, I’m sure.
The arachnid had another faint laughter, but then he gave his partner a reassuring smile.
- Hun’, you’re not supposed to say anything, you just say things how they come. And you know that’s something I like about you.
- Uh, yeah… Anyway, I’m sure you would’ve been great at that.
- How could you possibly know?
- Well… Because you always get what you want. Look, you even got me…
- Hah! True. And I’m glad I did.
And there came another peck on Husk’s fluffy cheek.
- Aww, you’re blushin’!
- Wha-… no! Shut the fuck up!
- Make me, daddy.
- Ugh, don’t call me that, it’s gross.
- Okay, okay. So, what about you?
- What?
- What did you wanna do when you were a kid?
Even though he should have expected Angel to return the question, he was caught quite unawares by it. He took a few seconds, but there was one answer that quickly reached his mind.
- Uh… well, at least, I’m not the only one who had obvious child dreams.
- Why’s that?
- I… well, aside from a famous poker player, I wanted to be… uhm…
Suddenly, he looked like he was a kid who was about to confess something wrong they’d done. He lowered his eyes and kept stammering for a while, holding Angel’s hand even tighter.
- Tell me, babe.
Despite his embarrassment, his boyfriend’s soothing and encouraging voice did all the job for him.
- I… wanted to be a showman. Like… stage performer, illusionist, some shit like that…
There was another awkward silence in the room, while Angel was staring wide-eyed at him.
- What…?
- What, “what”?? You fuckin’ heard me.
- Whoa, easy, tiger! I’m just… surprised.
- My ass you are.
- No but I love your ass, indeed.
Husk rolled his eyes again while Angel was snorting at his own joke.
- Seriously, Husk… I didn’t expect that.
- Quit shittin’ me.
- I mean it, I didn’t! Okay, you do magic tricks and stuff, but I didn’t think it was a child dream of yours to become a magician. That’s amazing!
- Yeah… Anyway, I couldn’t reach that either. It all went up in smoke, just like my childhood, haha.
- Oh… Husky…
- Nah, that’s fine.
With these words, Angel knew that Husk was feeling bitter about the topic, but wouldn’t want to elaborate on it. So, he just kept hugging him, trying to comfort him somehow.
- Babe… I’m sorry you couldn’t have your dream come true. But… even down here, you have powers, and you do magic your own way, with your cards and stuff.
- I… Uh, Angie…
The spider shushed him with a long soft kiss, then gazed at him with such loving eyes that the feline could have melted right there, right away.
- You may not have become a professional magician, but… you’ve brightened my afterlife like no one else could have. You’re… my everyday personal magician.
Wow. If there was anything Husk wouldn’t have expected – especially after helping his boyfriend out of a panic attack – it was that. It was so nice, and it filled his heart with a pleasant warmth he couldn’t quite describe. When Angel wanted to, he could be very romantic and lyrical. And Husk could just not stay here doing nothing after such a declaration.
- Look, uh… Don’t expect me to do that often, okay? But… uh…
- Yeah?
- Ugh… Would you like to see a magic trick?
After a moment of silence during which Angel was slowly realizing he was serious, he started to giggle. Husk grumbled and looked daggers at him.
- Wha-… Why the fuck are you laughing?
- Oh, sorry, Husky, it’s just… Oh my god, you have no idea how porn-like that sentence can be.
- What do you mean by… Oh, stop that bullshit! No, it’s not about my dick magically growing or some shit. Fuck off!
- Haha, I know, sweetheart! It’s just… Oh, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t talk about that.
Husk facepalmed and, again, just rolled his eyes. Angel stopped laughing.
- But, seriously… I’d love to see one of those tricks of yours.
- Ugh, dammit…
- Please, babe?
The spider showed his best puppy eyes and gave a slight kiss on the corner of his lover’s lips.
- Okay, there you go.
The cat stretched his arm towards his tiny bedside table and took a deck of cards out of the drawer. He shuffled the pack, before Angel’s eyes filled with wonder, then opened it fan-shaped.
- Pick a card and make sure you remember which one it is.
- Oh, sweetie, anything related to you is a piece of cake to remember…
Husk just gave a slight smile and shrugged. If Angel was really feeling better enough to be back to his usual sassy and teasing behavior, then he couldn’t ask for more.
Angel took one card. Six of spades.
- Now put it back into the deck.
Angel did so, and Husk shuffled the cards in many different ways, with a smoothness and agility that were quite surprising for a demon with never-ending claws. The spider couldn’t help being fascinated by his flowing moves, it was really like magic, he felt like a kid who saw an illusionist for the very first time.
After a few manipulations, Husk picked a card in the deck and displayed it.
- Is this your card?
Three of hearts.
- Uh… Not really.
- Oh.
As Husk was furrowing his eyebrows, apparently very surprised to have chosen the wrong card, Angel started giggling again.
- What?!
And then he burst out laughing. The feline was so incredibly adorable, even if he had the wrong card, he wanted to make him happy and, to be honest, only his way of shuffling cards really impressed him. But it was inevitably funny to see him failing at a magic trick with cards.
- You’re so fuckin’ cute, Husky!
- Oh, fuck off!
- Yeah, yeah, I like ya too. But, seriously…
- Just… Fuck off.
Even though Husk was too proud to admit it, Angel knew he was probably hurt to have failed at something he mastered perfectly and, on top of that, to be laughed at, even if there was no real nasty intention. So, he took the deck of cards away from his lover’s hands and kissed his fuzzy cheek, doing his best to stop laughing.
- It’s okay, shit happens. It’s 4 am or something, so…
- Yeah, whatever.
Angel rolled his eyes. Comforting words didn’t work enough? Fine. He had his ways.
- Come here, handsome.
He wrapped his lower arms around the cat’s lithe frame, the upper set on his shoulders, and started kissing his neck. He pushed him so they both fell down on the mattress and peppered his neck and chest with smooches. Husk couldn’t hold back the purring, but after a few seconds he propped himself up on one elbow, interrupting Angel.
- Oh… What’s that?
Angel stopped kissing him and gazed at him, confused.
- Huh? What’s what?
While the spider was staring at him, surprised and concerned, the cat was rummaging under the pillow. After a few seconds, he pulled something out… A card.
- Must have forgotten to put it back in the deck.
Saying that, he performed his best “never mind” poker face and showed the card to Angel.
Six of spades.
Dammit.
- Wha-…? Husk?!
The feline gave a sly grin, clearly satisfied with his unexpected little sleight of hand. Angel remained silent for a while, eyes wide open, speechless.
- Isn’t this your card, by any chance?
Without saying a word, the arachnid took the card, staring at it as if he wanted to check that it was a real card, and the card he really had chosen.
- What the…?
When the realization hit him, he threw the card somewhere behind him and jumped on his boyfriend, pinning him on the mattress.
- You cheeky fuckin’ little bastard!
- Well, I’ll take it as a yes.
- You knew!
They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, then both burst out laughing. Damn, that cat would never stop surprising him. And, this time, instead of just surprising him, he double surprised him, actually. Angel snuggled up to him again, nuzzling his chest.
- Husk…?
- Yeah?
- Thanks.
The feline just shrugged and went back to fondling his hair, holding him in his arms.
- I… Sometimes, I wonder what I did to… deserve you.
- Angel…
- I mean… You’re always so kind to me, and… You always deal with my bullshit, sometimes even better than I do. You know when I need you, even when I try to push you away ‘cause I don’t want you to see my pathetic miserable little self.
Husk sighed and brought a paw to his lover’s chin, lifting it up so he was looking at him.
- Angie, we both know you’re not pathetic or miserable. You just need a break sometimes, a moment when you don’t have to be a flawless tough lil’ fucker, and you can use a little support.
Angel bit his lip nervously. He knew Husk was sincere and wouldn’t say that just to please him, but he couldn’t help doubting about himself.
- I know. It’s just… You… don’t have to do this.
- Uh, that’s the least I can do! I dunno, maybe, well, by any chance, because I love you?
His tone was obviously sarcastic, but the last words had quite slipped from his mouth out of control somehow. He tried to perform his usual poker face, but as usual, it was not that easy with Angel.
- I… Uh…
He sighed again and kissed Angel’s forehead.
- Look, kid, I care about you, I want to be there for you.
- I… I know, but…
- For fuck’s sake, Angie, you’re my boyfriend! Of course I deal with your bullshit, just like you do with mine. And I… Ugh, look, I’m no expert with words but…
Before he could find a way to finish that sentence – well, he was actually glad somehow he finally didn’t have to – Angel wrapped all of his arms around him and hugged him even tighter, leaving soft kisses along his neck.
- I love you too, Husk.
The cat didn’t say anything and just hugged him back, still petting his hair gently. When he heard a loud yawn from the spider, he kissed his forehead and laid down on the bed, pulling him into his embrace. Angel let his head rest on the feline’s chest and closed his eyes. Now, he was completely relaxed and he felt safe, warm and just fine. Very soon, both of them were out like a light, in each other’s arms.
~