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Yamada Hizashi and Aizawa Shouta have been dating for about seven months now, and Hizashi would say things are going great.
Shouta loved him, and Hizashi loved him back. They would go on afterschool dates to the local parks and arcades, and be at each other's houses in the days in-between. They kissed, hugged, held hands, and did most other couple-y things that you would expect from two sixteen year olds. Everything was going great.
For the most part, anyway.
Something had been bugging Hizashi for a while now.
It was their six month anniversary, and Shouta had gotten him chocolates while Hizashi had gotten him a giant stuffed cat that was taller than the blonde himself. The shorter of the two had gaped at the plushie before promptly claiming it as his own and letting it swallow him on the couch while they watched old superhero films. Upon opening the box of chocolates that Shouta had given him, he noticed that there was a letter addressed to him sitting on top of the chocolates. Shouta saw him go to open it, and swiped it out of his hand.
"Read it when you get home, 'Zashi!" He'd proclaimed with a beet red face. Hizashi had laughed, and agreed.
When he did get back to his house that night, Hizashi tore the envelope open and read the letter. It had almost made him cry. It was basically a shy love letter. Shouta used the letter to take Hizashi through his feelings realization process step-by-step, and he'd tried his best to describe the strong emotions he felt for the other. It was sweet. One thing was off about it, though. Or, one thing was off with Hizashi, more like it.
Shouta had described many instances of his heart racing, a sensation of butterflies in his stomach at simple brushings of skin, and the occasional inability to think of anything but Hizashi. He'd written about how unbelievably happy he'd been when Hizashi had told him that he liked him back.
The more he thought about it, the more confused he was by it, and the more distant he grew from understanding his own emotions, the more his stomach filled with unease. The only times Hizashi experienced a racing heart in their relationship was when they narrowly avoided being caught making out by teachers. He'd never felt the sensation of butterflies in his stomach just from brushing against Shouta's exposed skin, and he hadn't ever felt it when they held hands, or hugged, or cuddled. He'd just liked the sensation of being near him, as he did with Oboro, Nemuri and Tensei. It was normal for him, he's just a physical person. He hadn't known it was supposed to feel different, more exciting or more scary when it was with someone you liked- well, liked like that. He'd also never experienced the inability to think of anything but Shouta. His attention was divided equally among his friends, his responsibilities, his family, and Shouta. Yeah, some days he thought about Shouta more than others when they hung out alone, but thinking about Shouta felt as normal as thinking about, again, Oboro, Nemuri, or Tensei. He hadn't known it was supposed to... change. And he'd tried to ignore it.
But he failed. Miserably.
No matter how much he wanted to not think about the implications of this realization, he had accidentally lost hours of his time mulling over it.
The thing was, he knew he loved Shouta. He knew he did. And he liked how kissing felt with him. He liked holding his hand, and hugging him, and hanging out at the arcade on dates. But what he was slowly realizing was... Less than convenient. And slightly nausea inducing. Oh, fuck.
Was... Was that not what it meant to have romantic feelings for someone?
Fuck. No. Don't entertain that train of thought.
...
He might as well have been transformed into a circus animal, because entertain he did.
Staring down at his phone screen, he felt like throwing up. He had looked up how to differentiate platonic love from romantic love and, while most of the key points were vague enough (or had enough loopholes) for Hizashi to gaslight himself into believing that he fit them, one website had crushed his whole world in one blow.
'platonic love is a love that means you care for someone, they are important to you, and you are connected to them emotionally but you do not have romantic feelings for them.
romantic love is powerful and can take over your world. it’s quiet, understanding, caring, protective, and many other adjectives. when you’re in love, you think about your partner a lot and will want to plan a future with them. when you’re in love, you’ll also feel strong physical urges towards them.'
No matter how hard Hizashi tried to convince himself otherwise, his feelings toward Shouta fit the description of platonic love almost to the letter, and the efficiency of his self-gaslight method had fizzled out.
The harsh truth of his reality came crashing down upon him.
He did love Shouta.
Platonically.
...Fuck, how is he gonna tell him?
...
It happens on the wednesday before their work studies, in their seventh month of dating.
They were doing homework for their heroics class at Hizashi's, taking turns asking each other the pro hero work-related questions on the page. It was Hizashi's turn, and he really thought nothing of it.
"'How do you plan on balancing potential romantic relations with your pro hero work?'" Hizashi scrunched his nose. "Okay, odd, but understandable."
This is when Hizashi would've made a stupidly romantic comment about their relationship. If, of course, that question had appeared on their homework from four of five months ago. Now, though, he just went silent, awaiting his answer as he began to sweat.
"Hm, I don't know," Shouta began, and Hizashi prayed that this would be one of the questions that they left blank for later. But he's not that lucky, apparently. "I mean, it'll be easier since you're aiming for the hero profession as well, but I guess our time together will be a little strained with patrols."
Hizashi swallowed around the lump around his throat, and held down the guilt-induced nausea crying out for his attention.
"About balancing?" Shouta looked deep in thought, while Hizashi looked like he was about to shit his pants. "I'd wanna sync our patrol schedules, for sure. And sooner than later, I'd wanna have our wedding with close friends. I don't see the logic in waiting, especially when you look at the morality rate of pro heroes." Shouta suddenly looked worried, and glanced over at the other boy. Upon seeing his about-to-shit-myself expression, his worry grew to subtle panic. "Sorry, was that too forward? I mean, I- I'd assumed you'd want a wedding ceremony, flashy or not, just cause you love parties. And- And I don't really want too many people attending, especially if I don't-"
"Shouta..."
Shouta stopped his anxious rambling, and began fidgeting with the pencil in his hand. "Sorry." He looked down.
"It's... Um..." Hizashi sighed. "Shouta, I've been... meaning to talk to you about something?"
"Do you not want to get married?"
Hizashi was slightly taken aback by that. "Huh?"
"I mean," Shouta was visibly uncomfortable, and the blonde wanted to run. "You looked panick-y when I mentioned it."
"I..." He inhaled shakily, "I... Uh..."
Now or never.
"I- I... Don't."
"Oh."
Fuck.
Shouta looked hurt.
Hizashi wanted to cry.
"Can- Um," The ravenette's voice told of the tears he was holding back. It made Hizashi want to cry even more. "Can I ask why?"
"It's because..." His throat was tightening up. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. "It's because I love you."
Shouta looked confused.
"Oh, uh... okay?"
"But not..." His heart began racing. He couldn't do this. What they have is good. What they have works.
But it's not real.
"...Not in the way you l-love me."
Shouta's shoulders slumped visibly. His brow furrowed, before his eyes began to water. The pencil stilled in his hand.
"...Oh."
"I'm sorry," Hizashi spluttered out quickly. "I'm so sorry, Shouta, I know how you feel about me and I wish I could reciprocate but- I... I think I'm..." Hizashi inhaled. "I think I'm Nebularomantic?"
Through his pain-stricken expression, Shouta made a gesture that hinted at inquiry.
"It's- uhm, an aromantic label that Nem told me about?" Hizashi shifted on his bedroom floor, homework forgotten. "Ya'know, cause she learned every identity under that umbrella when she was researching. But, um, it basically means that I confuse pla- platonic love with romantic love because of my autism?"
Shouta nodded with tears streaming down his face. That sight set Hizashi off again.
"God, I'm so sorry, Shouta, I'm so sorry. I did love you, and I do, I swear, but- not how I wish I do. And I'm sorry for wasting your time."
"You didn't," Shouta sniffled. "Waste my time."
"D- Didn't I?"
"No."
"Oh."
"I still enjoyed our time together," Shouta wiped his face with his sleeve, which didn't really help considering the fact that he was still crying a concerning amount of tears. "Even if it wasn't- what I thought it was, or something. I just wish you had found out sooner."
"I'm so sorry." Hizashi sobbed. "I'm sorry, Shouta, I lo-"
"Please." Shouta gritted out through clenched teeth. "Don't."
He scrunched in on himself, and nodded. "'m sorry."
"I know."
Shouta stood up abruptly, still crying, and began to collect his things.
"Wait, Shou, No- Please-" He stood as well, reaching out aimlessly towards the other.
"I have to get home." Shouta shoved his paper and pencil into his bag and shucked it onto his back. "I'll see you tomorrow at school, Yamada."
Yamada.
Hizashi cried out, but cut it short. God, this hurt. "Y- Yeah, okay, um-"
"Bye."
"Mhm."
And he was gone, and it was over, and they were over, and Hizashi allowed himself to collapse onto the floor in a heap of sobs.
He can't help but feel like he should've left them as is, even if his feelings weren't as he'd originally thought they were.
But that would've been him lying to Shouta.
And damn it, he loves him too much to do that.