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“Wait wait wait. Devi, what are you actually doing here?” After pulling her into his room and losing himself in a kiss, Ben finally brought himself back to his senses.
“I thought I made that obvious, you know, with the paper.” Devi shrugged awkwardly.
Ben’s arm was still wrapped around her waist as he looked her in the eye. “I know you came over with the paper. But why now? Why me?”
A million different emotions had overcome Ben when he saw Devi standing in his bedroom doorway. None of them were negative but he would be lying if he were to say that he wasn’t confused. The last time he’d seen her was in the school hallway when she was talking to Paxton. Ben had left pretty quickly after he’d turned up. Paxton had been good to him when he’d ended up in hospital and Ben had to admit that he wasn’t actually that bad of a guy. But for the three of them to all be standing there together… It made things a little awkward.
Devi sighed, her shoulder sagging. A deep and meaningful conversation was not the reason that she had gone to Ben’s but she didn’t think there was any way of getting out of it. Maybe she didn’t want to get out of it. The ‘one free boink’ pass had given her an excuse to turn up at Ben’s house without looking like a complete weirdo. But was that really why she’d gone?
“There’s just… a lot…”
Ben gave her a small smile, “Well, I’ve got all night.” There was a hopeful look in his eyes.
Ben wanted to have a proper conversation with Devi. He wanted her to feel safe enough to open up to him. He probably could on one hand then number of times they’d had a raw and serious conversation but something about that evening had felt different and Ben didn’t want to let this chance slip by.
Devi gave a small nod and Ben felt like he could breathe a little easier. Maybe there was a chance for the two of them. He sat down on the edge of his bed, waiting for Devi to join him but she didn’t. Instead, she began pacing on the rug in front of him.
“So, I mean I guess I should start with the biggest thing.” She took a deep breath before stopping in front of him. “I’m not going to Shrubland.”
Devi didn’t wait for a response before she began pacing again. “I can’t go, not right now. I need more time with my mom. Things have just been so messy with us and I feel like we’re finally in a good place and I don’t think I’m ready to give that up just yet. After my dad died… I think I just need to make the most of everything that’s in front of me instead of wishing for something more when I don’t need it… or want it.”
Devi finally looked at Ben and realised he wasn’t saying anything. What Devi thought was a look of incredulity was actually a look of awe. The past year had given Ben a chance to understand what was important to him. Whilst he still wanted to get into Columbia, he knew that it wasn’t the be-all and end-all if it didn’t happen. He didn’t have to work himself into an early grave to do it. And whilst he had been going through all of those changes, he hadn’t realised how much Devi had also changed. She seemed so much happier these days, less antagonistic. And hearing her talk now, maybe she’d also realised that there were some things more important than school.
“You think I’m crazy for giving it up, don’t you?”
“What? No!” Ben stood up, gently grabbing Devi’s arm to stop her from pacing. “Devi, I get it and I don’t think you’re crazy. I’ve never thought that. You lost a lot of time with your Dad, I understand why you wouldn’t want to lose any with your mom.”
Devi smiled at him, still shaking inside. She wanted to get everything off of her chest but she was scared of what it could mean. She and Ben had been getting on so well recently and Devi really didn’t want to ruin it. But something inside was telling her that she’d be doing both her and Ben a disservice if she didn’t talk to him properly.
Taking another deep breath, Devi tried to steady her nerves. She stepped away from Ben, leaving him with a confused look on his face. “I’m not done yet. Do you mind sitting back down?”
“Devi-” Ben tried to argue but was immediately cut off.
“Ben, please don’t argue with me right now. It’s cute and everything but I need you to just shut up for a minute.”
Ben quickly took a seat on his bed again, mainly out of shock from Devi calling him cute.
“I am so so sorry about everything that I did to you… you know, when I was dating you and Paxton at the same time…”
Devi saw him wince, he definitely didn’t need the clarification but she couldn’t shy away from what she had done.
“I hurt you and you didn’t deserve that. There’s no excuse for what I did, not in the slightest. It was seriously messed up. I hate that I hurt you. And I don’t know if I can ever make it up to you or if you can forgive me but I just needed you to know that I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back and change everything.”
Hindsight was 20/20. Dr Ryan would say something about how changing what had happened in the past wouldn’t give her the chance to learn from her mistakes but that didn’t stop Devi from wishing things could have been different. She reminded herself quickly that she was trying to live in the present though. All she could do now was try and make up for the things she’d done wrong and do better now.
“Devi, I- '' Ben sighed and looked down at his hand, picking the skin around his thumb. “I can’t lie to you and tell you that what you did didn’t hurt me. It felt like people were always just going to leave me behind. You… my parents… And I didn’t think I was going to ever be able to forgive you.”
Devi’s stomach dropped. She was going to have to accept whatever Ben said but that didn’t mean it was going to be an easy pill to swallow.
“But holding onto it… it doesn’t serve me in any way. I was angry and upset with you for months, Devi and it didn’t make me feel any better. I forgive you, Devi. You don’t need to keep apologising about it. I’ve moved on from what happened. It’s taken me some time and thinking about it hurts but I don’t think you’re a bad person, Devi, you just made a bad choice.”
For some reason, that was not the route that Devi thought the conversation was going to go. Even though they were on much better terms now, she’d thought that Ben might still be holding onto some of the animosity and he’d have had every right to.
“Thank you,” Devi’s voice came out as a whisper.
Ben gave her a comforting smile before tilting his head slightly as he studied her. “That still doesn’t explain why you’re here. I mean, why you’re actually here, Devi.”
Devi opened and closed her mouth a few times as she tried to find the words that she needed. How was she even meant to start this off?
“Uh? Devi? Is everything okay?”
Realising that she had left Ben’s question hanging and was probably starting to look like a goldfish, Devi shook her head to clear her thoughts. “Yeah, sorry.”
Devi clasped her hands in front of her, fidgeting and looked down at them. “So, the reason why I came here… The reason… that I came to your house… have I told you that you have a nice house? Really big windows. There must be a lot of natural light and that probably helps with the electricity bills. So, it’s a pretty efficient house. Congrats on that.” Once she had started, Devi couldn’t stop herself from rambling.
Congrats… on his house. I am such an idiot! She chastised herself, dying of embarrassment.
Ben couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle, “I’ll be sure to tell my dad. He’s going to be so pleased that we have such an efficient house.”
“And he should be!”
“Devi…”
“Right, sorry. The thing is,” Devi looked up from her hands, if she was going to do this, she was going to look him in the eye. “Ben, I’ve liked you for so long. I mean like like.”
Like like, really? Was she trying to sound like a kindergartner? Devi knew she needed to do a better job with this proclamation.
“Ben, I’ve liked you even when I hadn’t fully realised it. After scattering my Dad’s ashes… it’s like a lightbulb went off in my head but I was dumb. I tried chasing after something… someone… else because I thought that was what I wanted. And I guess at the time it was. I’ve always imagined my life being a certain way, you know? Date the hot, popular guy, graduate valedictorian, go to Princeton, nice house and all the rest of it. I didn’t want anything to change my plan. You were never meant to be a part of it. All you were meant to be was my annoying arch nemesis.”
Ben snorted, “Thanks, Devi.”
“But driving me to the beach, giving me a chance to say a final goodbye to my Dad. You started to change parts of that plan and I guess it scared me. And then, after messing up and losing you, I realised that you were the guy that I wanted to be with.”
Devi could still feel her heart pounding in her chest. She’d thought that slowly telling Ben everything would help calm her down but instead she could feel herself getting more nervous. She had no idea how he was going to respond.
“So, I tried to talk to you. To find a way back into your life and I know I didn’t go about it the right way. Everything with Aneesa… it was because I liked you, Ben. I liked you and hated seeing you and her together.”
Ben looked a little awkward and for a moment Devi’s stomach sank. She thought she’d completely blown it. “I-uh, I kind of know that. I mean that last part, about Annesa.”
“Yeah, I wasn’t exactly subtle,” Devi laughed nervously.
Wincing, Ben didn’t look Devi in the eye, “Actually Eleanor told me…”
“What? When!?” Her voice had gone up a few octaves. Shaking her head, Dvei shut her eyes for a second. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. And eventually I guessed that it’s better to have you in my life as a friend than not at all.”
“But why did you date Paxton then?” The question had been burning on the tip of Ben’s tongue for a while now. He needed to know why, if Devi had in fact liked him, why she decided to date his polar opposite.
“I-” That was not a question Devi had been prepared for, it wasn’t one that she had completely figured out the answer to herself. But what she knew, she was willing to tell Ben.
“Paxton had been this dream for me. It was like some YA book where the nerdy, unattractive girl dates the hot jock and suddenly her life changes forever. Focusing on that, on him, it helped me deal with my dad passing away. For a few moments every day, I wasn’t thinking about him or missing him or grieving over him. It was just an escape. I’d been trying to push those feelings for you away, especially after everything with Aneesa so I’d kind of buried them. And Paxton was so sweet after everything that had happened. I was tutoring him and I got to see this completely different side of him. It worked between us… until it just didn’t. I wasn’t in the right place to be in a relationship at that point and Paxton was. We weren’t the right fit. He’s a great guy but I don’t think he's the guy for me…”
Devi had come to that conclusion a while after their break up. Paxton had been amazing to her, he still was. She was glad that they’d managed to navigate their break up and turn it into a friendship. But sometimes, dreams that you’ve had for years don’t always measure up in reality and Devi was learning to be okay with that. She felt like she’d lost time trying to chase the idea of what her life should be like.
“And what about me?” When Ben looked at her like that, eyes wide and looking directly at her, like nothing else was around them, Devi felt more exposed than she ever had in her life.
“I think you might be the right guy for me… I don’t know if those feelings are mutual though…” Every cell in her body was screaming at Devi to bolt out of the door and to just run home and hide under her blanket.
Ben reached his arm out, his hand clasping around Devi’s wrist. He gently tugged her towards him, getting her to sit next to him on the bed. Their knees bumped together and Ben refused to let go of her hand. It was tiny compared to his but filled all of the empty edges of his hand.
“Devi, are you blind?” Ben shut his eyes for a second before opening them and willing himself to gain the courage he needed. “There’s something I need to tell you but it’s probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world.”
“I’m pretty sure I thought that about you from the age of like, 10,” Devi joked, hoping to break some of the tension in the room. Realising that Ben looked increasingly nervous, Devi apologised. “Sorry, you should carry on. I’m sure whatever it is can’t be that bad.”
“Annesa… even when I was with her I was thinking about you. I don’t know if part of me even being with her was to try and make you jealous. Just saying that… it’s bad… she didn’t deserve for me to treat her like that.” It wasn’t a period in his life that he was particularly proud of or liked to relive. “You remember the night of the winter formal?”
Devi nodded. How could she forget the night that Paxton Hall-Yoshida had hit her with a car before asking her to be his girlfriend.
“When I saw you and Paxton dancing with each other… it was like something had shattered. I thought that he was the one that you’d always wanted to be with, I just ended up being some sort of convenient back up. And Eleanor said something and I realised that I might just have messed everything up. So then I really tried to make things work with Aneesa but there was so much going on. I was an ass to her and I needed to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. When she broke up with me.. I didn’t feel completely torn apart. I felt like it was the right thing for the both of us. And then I ended up in hospital… not my finest hour…. But it made me rethink the way I was going about things. And that included you. So, when you told me about Des, I didn’t want to be jealous. I was happy for you and I wanted to see you happy but there was always this part of me that wanted you to be happy with me.”
Devi squeezed his hand and Ben looked down smiling at the way their fingers intertwined. How was it possible that a single person could make you feel a thousand different things in one moment?
“I thought I’d managed to get over you. And then hearing you say that you got offered a place at Shrubland… Devi, it’s like everything came crashing down on me and as much as I wanted you to take the place because I knew it would be good for you, I so badly wanted you to stay. I needed you to stay and I needed to finally tell you how I felt about you. I’ve spent way too long trying to tiptoe around my feelings and it is exhausting. You’re the only person that I’ve felt like I can go toe-to-toe with in an argument, The only one that pushes me to do better. That gets why I work so hard. Devi, I know we’ve argued and spent most of our time in school being rivals but you’re the only person who’s ever really gotten me and who I am. So, Devi, you don’t need to question how I feel about you because I don’t think I could see myself with anyone else. I’ve been waiting for you for months. And I would wait another couple of decades if it meant having a chance with you.”
Neither of the teens were well-versed in being vulnerable. Especially with each other. This felt like a monumental moment for them both. To finally face up to their feelings. Acknowledging the mistakes that they’d made along the way and learning from them. Sure, they were both still a little scared of their feelings and being this open didn't come naturally to them. They’d realised, however, that there was no weakness in telling those around you your true feelings. That there was way more to lose from being quiet than there was by being honest.
Devi felt her mouth go dry. “Well… that kind of blew my little speech out of the water…”
“Nah, I think we both win here.”
“And what brought you to that conclusion.”
Ben took his free hand and gently cupped Devi’s face, “I think we both ended up with the answers that we wanted, don’t you?”
Instead of replying to him, Devi leaned in for a kiss. She wondered if her heart would ever stop beating so fast when she kissed Ben. She wouldn’t complain if it didn’t though.
“So, how are we doing this?” Devi asked.
She may have managed to overhaul a lot of things in her life but being a chronic overthinker was something that was probably always going to stick with her.
“Well, I think a good place to start is asking you to be my girlfriend…”
It wouldn’t have been possible for Devi to smile any wider. Throwing her arms around his neck, Devi buried her head in his shoulder.
Does he shower with tea tree and grapefruit? Ugh, he smells so good.
Devi could have inhaled his scent all day but she could feel Ben vibrating from laughter. “Is that a yes then?”
When she finally pulled back, she saw mirth in Ben’s eyes and a smile so wide that it rivalled hers.
“Of course it’s a yes. I would love to be your girlfriend, Ben Gross. But could we maybe take the rest of this slow?” Devi bit her lip, hoping that Ben wouldn’t think she was lame for not wanting to jump straight into things.
Ben kissed the back of her hand, giving her a gentle smile that made everything inside Devi melt. “That sounds perfect to me, how about we start with a date?