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Chapter Text

Ace opened his eyes, followed by a sharp, desperate gasp for air, he immediately jolted upwards, a wave of pain flooding his body as he sat up. 

His breath was rapid and unstable as he looked around frantically, his eyes darting nervously all over the room, he heard a faint beeping sound growing louder and faster by the minute.

But before he even managed to understand what was going on, he was pinned back down to the bed by a tight bear hug, causing him to instinctively groan in pain. 

“Ace!” Luffy called out. It took Ace by surprise to see his little brother bawling his eyes out like that. If this was just any other day, Ace would’ve just teased him for being a crybaby but still do his best to comfort him, but this time.. it was different. 

Ace remained frozen in place, still struggling to catch his breath, but eventually he raised a shaky arm to hug his brother back. 

His mind was still hazy, barely able to grasp the other night’s events, brief flashes kept popping into his head, sending shivers down his spine, but it was far from the full picture. 

“Luffy..” he looked over at his brother, the boy was bandaged up from head to toe, he spotted a familiar piece of paper in his brother’s hand, looking as if nonexistent wind tried to blow it towards Ace, it was much smaller than expected, and almost completely burnt up... damn it, he went and made his little brother worried again. "Thank you." 

What exactly made him end up like this..?  Ace tried to fill in the blanks in his memory, but to no avail, he remembered bits and pieces, kneeling on the execution platform, fire, blood, screaming... 

What the hell happened?! He had to make sure to understand every last detail. Why would his mind work against him in such a time? 

The door creaked, cutting off Ace’s train of thought, He looked over Luffy’s shoulder to see two familiar faces enter the room. "Pineapple guy, Mask dude!" Luffy greeted the two doctors as they entered the room.

Marco huffed at the unwanted nickname before scribbling something on his clipboard,
as Deuce hurried to his bedside, followed by the much more composed and worn down Marco. “Good to see you’re finally up.” Marco gave him a tired smile. 

Luffy let go of his brother to let the doctors perform their craft, sitting down on a chair across the room with an uncharacteristically serious expression.

Deuce helped Ace sit up, he felt tangled up, hooked to tubes and machines, needing help to even move.. he couldn’t reach a more pathetic state even if he tried. 
He gritted his teeth from the pain this basic movement caused him, but the shame hurt him even more. He kept his eyes focused on the ground as the two doctors took his bandages off, but as soon as Marco’s fiery hand made contact with his back, he couldn’t help but flinch, the pain shot up his back like a raging fire, bringing him one step closer to understanding the other night's events. 

...

He broke free, they were running, a marine admiral on their heels, he insulted his father, he manipulated Suqard, he hurt his friends, he threatened his brother, why didn't he turn back?

He made a promise.

"...Because after all Whitebeard is a washed up loser from a bygone Era!"

"You take that back!"

He couldn't keep his promise any longer.

He charged at Akainu with a battle cry and burning fists, but was swatted like a fly, even with his haki, even with everything he had in his arsenal, he couldn't do much against an admiral.

He tried again, and again, his mind too clouded with rage to even strategize or think this through, even when it seemed like he landed a good hit, the admiral recovered immediately.

Ace already forgot what it felt like to get burnt, and that magma sure did fucking hurt, but he couldn't care less, his rationality was long gone once the admiral dared to utter those words about his Pops. He had to defeat this man, to make him eat his words, to stop hurting his family, to put an end to this hell.

His whole body was screaming at him to stop, but the adrenaline managed to mask the pain, he barely even heard the pleas from his family to stop. He dashed towards Akainu with a haki imbued fiery fist, but the admiral was faster, landing a burning blow that sent Ace flying, hitting his head on the ground.

And while Ace was down, he finally noticed Luffy on the ground, just in time for Akainu to notice it too and-

"Luffy!"

Before Ace could even think, he already found himself standing in front of his brother, using his own body as a shield, just in time to block Akainu with his back.

He fell to his knees, everything was aching, was he dying? He couldn't die here, after all Pops did for him...

...Pops. 

...

Ace buried his head in his hands, he wanted to scream, but he was only barely able to breathe, it felt like a punch in the gut, sucking all the life out of him. 

He looked up at the doctors, his eyes almost begging the two to lie to him, even though he knew there was no other answer, a fragment of hope in him still tried to convince him otherwise. 

“Is Pops really...?” 

The room turned silent as Marco’s blue flames died out, Deuce and Marco exchanged a glance, before each looked down at the floor, their expressions made it loud and clear. 

“Yes.” Marco finally broke the silence. “He’s gone.” 

Ace’s bottom lip quivered, along with a suffocating sensation in his throat caused by tears he couldn’t afford to shed, all the little strength he managed to gather faded away in an instant. 

Whitebeard was dead, and it was no one’s fault but his own.

Chapter Text

A couple of days have passed since Ace woke up, but his presence was not felt in the ship at all, the young man didn’t leave the room, but the few people that actually came in didn’t bear any good news when they came back out. 

As the time passed, more and more memories found their way back to his head, building up the unshakable guilt within him, every single sacrifice in that war was like a needle to his heart, and it quickly became too much to handle. 

Every night was the same, the screams, the bodies of his fallen comrades, fire and blood everywhere.. all for the sake of his worthless life. It eventually caused even the extremely narcoleptic Ace to fear going to sleep. Even in the daytime, he kept seeing flashes of that horrible night, sometimes it was replaced by the sheer feeling of doom, like he never left that execution platform.

Usually, he always heard the crew through the walls, drinking, singing Binks’ Brew or other sea chanties, chatting, but it seemed like all their vitality was sucked out of them with Pops' absence, and the silence outside was painful. 

The mark of Whitebeard Ace used to wear proudly on his back was gone as well, now replaced with an ugly burn scar, his whole body was full of them, but the one on his back hurt the most, it was a warrior’s shame, a permanent mark of his cowardice. His old man died without a single mark on his back from what he heard, but he.. couldn’t even do that much. 

He wasn’t even sure if he even wanted to live when they ran, before he turned back to fight Akainu, he just knew he HAD to live, because otherwise, all their efforts would be in vein, and now, he was left with the memory of this battle burned onto his body and mind, branding him as a coward and a burden for the rest of his life. 

Ace was curled up in a blanket, his face buried in the pillow, it was starting to get dark outside, after a whole day of being bed-bound with no intention of getting up, his body was starting to grow numb. 

But just hearing the medbay's door creaking open was enough for him to violently jolt up in panic. 

“Ace?” Deuce asked, only to get an unintelligible mumble in response, he carefully approached the bed before sitting down on it, placing a hand on his shaky shoulder, he felt Ace’s body tense up to the previously familiar touch. “That’s it, I’m taking you outside.” He said, leaving no room for Ace to protest. “Doctor’s orders.” 

Ace looked over and gave him a reluctant nod, he gritted his teeth as he forced himself to stand up, he couldn’t help but let out a quiet pained groan, before internally scolding himself for his pathetic behavior. 

After quite a lot of stumbling and falling, they made their way outside, Deuce helped Ace drag the IV drip along the deck until they found a more secluded spot on the large, damaged ship. 

“I brought your favorite ale.” Deuce gave him an apologetic, tired smile. “Sorry for forcing you out of bed.. couldn’t just let you rot in there anymore.” 

Ace mumbled a small “thanks Deu” before grabbing the bottle, the bittersweet taste of the fruity ale was quite nostalgic, a remnant of a better time, before he went and screwed everything up. He drank in silence, his eyes focused on the starry sky, he didn’t want to start talking, he didn’t want to bring it up, but he knew it was bound to happen. 

Eventually, Deuce broke the silence. “I know what you’re thinking. It’s not your fau-“ 

“It is though!” Ace cut him off, he knew he was trying to help, he knew he had no right or act out when everyone were still grieving because of him, but he couldn’t help himself, he couldn’t contain the poison in him any longer. 

“I’m the one who went after Teach, I’m the one who lost and got captured! I’m the one who started a goddamn war! If it wasn’t for me, Pops, no, everyone would’ve still been here!” Ace’s voice cracked, his hand moved without a second thought to cover his teary eyes, his head hung low. “...you know it’s true.” He muttered. 

Deuce opened his mouth to say something, but eventually just closed it and sighed, he was at a complete loss for words. 

He knew it was coming, he knew his captain for way too long to assume otherwise, Ace always burdened everything on his shoulders, blaming himself for everything, thinking he couldn’t be loved... He tried to convince him otherwise more times than he could count but nothing seemed to even nudge his warped self perception. 

Without even thinking, Deuce did something he never thought he’d have the guts to do, and took off his signature mask. He wasn’t sure what took over him, but it felt like the right thing, he needed to approach his partner in the most true way he could, eye to eye. 

“Ace, look at me.” He said, as Ace lifted his gaze, leaving his jaw to drop.

"Deu, you-" Ace started, but Deuce’s determined look shut him up, it felt.. forbidden to look at his him without his disguise, but he was honored to be trusted like that.

Maybe they both got to be a little more vulnerable tonight. 

“You know Pops would’ve done the same if it was me, or Marco, or Izo... that’s just how he is, that’s how we all are, we’re a family. We live and die for each other.“ 

Although Deuce did his best to keep himself composed, his voice started to crack, just thinking back on it was too much to handle, but he couldn't let any of it stop it from saying what needed to be said, he clenched his fist around his mask and continued. 

“It was his choice to lay down his life for someone he loves, and as much as it hurts... I know he would’ve done it again for you, I don’t think any of our fallen comrades would’ve regretted their choices that night, you didn’t cause their death, they chose that path for themselves.” 

Ace sniffled and looked away, even though he knew was Deuce was saying carried a lot of weight, he couldn’t even comprehend how any of this couldn’t be his fault. 

“They wouldn’t have had to make that choice if I...” Ace trailed off, but Deuce knew exactly what he was implying. 

“I should’ve been dead long ago.” Ace took another sip of the ale, confirming Deuce’s suspicion. Ace knew he should just keep quiet, but couldn’t bring himself to actually do it. 

“They killed every pregnant woman that might’ve carried his child... They all know I shouldn’t have been born, now.. everyone knows.

Deep down, I always knew the answer for my question. But because I was so damn stubborn and hopeful to prove it wrong...” 

Ace’s furrowed his brows, his dark eyes looked almost hollow. Even though his hopelessness always had the upper hand when he pondered about it, he never expected to be proven right in such a gruesome way, he didn’t expect the world to put out the small flicker of hope that somehow still insisted he might have a right to live like that. 

“Now, everyone knows, and they’ll come for you all again, and again,  and again... until there’ll be no one left.” 

The stench of charred flesh, the gaping holes in his father's body, Oars, using his own half dead body to aid everyone one last time, everyone kept fighting, no matter how many went down in the process, they couldn't afford to cry or break down over fallen brothers, they had to keep moving, for him, for the worthless son of the devil. He couldn't stop them, he couldn't save them, he couldn't do a damn thing. 


Stop.

Stop.

STOP. 

Ace let out a sound only akin to that of a wounded animal, he felt his face tingling as it lost the little color it had left, the mere thought of history repeating itself was enough to make him struggle to breathe again, he winced, the memories from the other night took control of his mind again. 

He looked back up at his first mate, who reached out his hand for him, but Ace ended up falling onto his lap, wrapping his shaky arms around Deuce.

And like a broken dam, he completely collapsed, bawling his eyes out. 

"I.. I'm sorry."

Chapter Text

"Marines, 10 o'clock!" Haruta yelled out, as the tired and injured remnants of the Whitebeard crew picked up their weapons and charged into battle.

Ace jolted up with determination, pulling out the tubes and drips he was hooked to as fast as he could, and sprinted out of the medbay.

As soon as he went outside, one of the Marines, a large man with a mohawk and a mustache, set his eyes on him. "Get the pirate king's son." He told his troops, who replied with a stern: "yes, vice admiral Momonga!"

"Ace! What the hell are you doing up here?" Marco protested, but Ace didn't listen, he gritted his teeth and glared at the man. "Don't you dare call me his son." He hissed.

Marco gave him a frustrated look, but soon had to turn his attention to the battle.

Ace's hand was set ablaze, his eyes focused on the vice admiral as he clenched his fist.

"Hiken!" he yelled out as he punched the man, his clothes catching on fire, but it seemed that Ace was hurt more by this short altercation, stumbling backwards and coughing up blood.

"Ace!" He heard Deuce call out from the other side of the deck, while attempting to fend off a few Marines.

The vice admiral struck at the right time, the crew still didn't get back on their feet after the war, and this was the perfect chance to restore the Marines' honor after the failed execution.

Ace looked around, Jozu seemed to really struggle to fight with the one arm he had left, but he still gave it his all, Vista was already sweating, Namur was surrounded by marines, hitting one at a time with Fishman karate.

Once again, everyone had to suffer because of him, and he refused to let it happen, he got back up and glared at vice admiral Momonga, who was already occupied by Marco. He knew he had to be the one to put a stop to this.

"Firefly." He said, as small green sparks ignited around him, growing bigger and brighter before exploding at the target as he exclaimed "blazing doll!" Momonga seemed to be in pain for a split second, but quickly brushed it off, scoffing. "Is that the best you can do?" He raised an eyebrow. He knew it was a ploy, he knew he was just trying to tire him out, but he couldn't care less, he wasn't going to put his family at risk, not again.

He lunged at the vice admiral for a haki imbued firey kick in the groin, but instead, the admiral swiftly grabbed his shoulders and headbutted him, followed by a knee to the stomach that sent Ace falling backwards, cursing under his breath.

Ace was too weak to fully resist, and he hated it, he was still a mess and still barely able to stand up, why the hell did he think he can take on a vice admiral at his state? But he couldn't back down, he couldn't run away and leave his family to fight in his stead.

After charging at his opponent again, he managed to land a few good punches until knocking him down, but continued to go, giving it his all until one of his wounds gashed open from the strain, leaving the young man to collapse on the deck. "Fuck!" He bit his bottom lip, trying to force himself back up, but it was hopeless at this point. The vice admiral used this opportunity to It's fullest, he unsheathed his blade and swiftly slashed across Ace’s face, catching him off guard.

Ace tried to fight back, but the longer the battle continued, the harder he found it to do anything to contribute to it... he was completely useless.

"Take him to our ship." Momonga commanded three of his subordinates, who soon enough restrained the incapacitated Ace, who kept struggling regardless.

Ace looked around him, his wounded brothers rushed to his side as he couldn't do anything but watch. Again. Wasting his last bits of energy on futile attempts to escape their grasp, he saw Mihal shooting at the Marines, Haruta fighting off much larger opponents than him, Saber stabbing a couple of people with his daggers, Marco was already bleeding, and even the extremely wounded Jinbe joined the fight.

Once again, he let himself get captured. Once again, everyone was putting their lives at risk for him.

Jozu fell down with a pained groan, outnumbered and still not quite back on his feet, Vista was practically surrounded, even Luffy was already panting.

They weren't tough opponents, but they attacked an injured crew with such large numbers... did they even have a chance without Pops?

"and they’ll come for you all again, and again,  and again... until there’ll be no one left.” 

Ace's eyes widened, he could feel his heart almost bursting out of his chest. He was right.

And if they'll lose this battle... if something like this happens again...

He could almost smell the scent of charred flesh again, almost hear the battle cries, followed by the thud of lifeless bodies hitting the ground, the feeling of pure terror crept up on him once again, everything around him started to seem blurry, his head was pounding from the effort it took to try and lock those memories away.

"STOP IT!"

The soldiers fell down one by one, letting him go, some of them passed out, some were foaming at the mouth, Momonga sighed and dropped his weapon, lifting his hands up.

Ace completely forgot he could use conquers haki.

He shook off the unconscious Marines from him as he got up, glaring at the vice admiral, his body was shaking, but his expression remained stern and confident.

"Take your men and get the fuck out of here." He said, the vice admiral reluctantly complied as the Marines slowly started to wake up.

"This isn't over, fire fist." The vice admiral warned, Ace felt his heart skip a beat.

The pirates headed one by one to the medbay, leaving Marco, Deuce and the nurses completely overwhelmed, but Ace couldn't bring himself to move.

It all happened again, they came for him again, they took advantage of his injured family and tried to kill them just to get the goddamn son of 'that' man... he knew it wasn't going to end, they were going to keep attacking the crew until there wouldn't be anyone left, and it was all because of him, he marked a target on their backs, and couldn't even fight to protect them.

Ace looked down at the sea below, he knew they'll all die because of him in the end, he knew there was no way he could stop it... the war showed him the truth, he wasn't meant to get close to people, he wasn't meant to get attached, he was the son of the devil and had to be punished for it.

Making connections only put them at risk, loving him is what killed so many of his comrades. It was too late to forget about his family, and it was too late for them to forget about him, but he had to do something to make sure they're safe.

The looming threat of the world uniting against his family was too much to bear, his life wasn't worth.. this. He knew he wasn't worthy of their love, he wasn't worthy of their sacrifice, they didn't deserve any of it, but they still had hell to pay for ever approaching the devil's child.

Ace let out a quiet sob, tears blurring his sight, feeling as if someone was squeezing his windpipe, he gritted his teeth, his hands were trembling but he clenched his fists as hard as he could to stop it, his nails digging into his skin.

He had to stop it. Now.

He had to stop it before all his loved ones would die for him, he had to stop it before they would be blamed for his worthless existence, he might’ve had doubts before but it was clear as day now..

He shouldn't have been born. Being alive for so long was the most selfish act he could've committed. All he ever did was hurt those around him. He told Sabo to go out to sea, he disobeyed pops' orders and went after Teach, only to end up being the cause of his family's death... he took every single wrong turn in his life, and it cost the lives of almost everyone he ever loved.

A life without regrets...? What a joke.
All he had left were regrets.

He had to put an end for if, once and for all, he refused to hurt any one of his dear friends anymore.

He took a deep breath and looked down at the ocean once again, he closed his eyes and jumped, throwing himself offboard.

He felt his strength leaving him as he hit the water, his body grew numb, he watched little air bubbles escaping out of his mouth, his eyes burning from the saltwater. Everything was silent as he sank deeper and deeper, he felt his lungs filling up with water, but didn't bother to even try to fight it. An odd sense of calmness overtook him.

Portgas D. Ace has given up.

Everything turned black.

Chapter Text

"I keep my eyes off that idiot for five seconds..."

The room was silent except for a faint, continous beeping sound.

After several attempts of artificial respiration came short, the doctors turned to mouth to mouth, sending Ace’s first mate to do the job. After a tense few minutes, Ace finally came through, jolting upwards and coughing out water as he gasped for air. He looked around, only to be met by a room full of awfully sad faces, and it finally dawned on him.

He made it out alive.

And he hurt everyone once again.

Before he could even come to his senses, he felt a slap across his face.

"Luffy!" Marco exclaimed.

"You idiot! You promised you'll never die!"

Ace looked up at his younger brother, he could feel his stomach twisting, he looked away.

"You're the only brother I have left... don't leave me." Luffy's face fell, giving Ace a look he'd strive to forget, seeing his brother like this was so much more painful than getting slapped by him.

"...I'm sorry." Ace replied, his eyes fixated on the floor.

Luffy said nothing, he just approached Ace and put his straw hat on his brother's head, his hand lingering there for a while. Ace finally looked back at Luffy, the boy's expression was blank, Ace's eyes widened, his mouth was agape, it felt oddly comforting to know his brother put his most prized possession on him like it was nothing, just as a reminder to keep fighting.

"Why... did you do it?" Marco interfered, leaving Ace to hide under the straw hat, avoiding everyone's gaze, staying completely silent.

"I..." his voice was verging on a whisper. "I'm killing you all just by being here."

"Ace.." Izo sighed.

"That's bullshit!" Skull protested.

"You're our family." Marco said. "We would never want this." Ace said nothing, he wished he could just disappear, hiding his face under Luffy’s straw hat like a child who's been scolded.

Deuce never thought Ace would go so far, he felt a twinge of guilt for not seeing this coming, or stopping him in time, he approached Ace, trying his best to knock some sense into his former captain.

"We don't care about any of that, we don't care about you being Gold Roger's son, or having the Marines on our tails... we care about you. So don't go around thinking you're a burden. You're here because we want you here." He insisted.

Ace kept quiet. He knew they'd be better off if he was dead, so why save him? Or risk their lives for him? Or even tolerate him?

Love was just powerful enough to transcend logic.

Ace never believed he was worthy of love, but now he felt it all around him, those people wanted him to live, those people wanted to be around him, those people... truly loved him. 

He finally looked up, teary eyed, and gave the room a weak smile, the first one to reach his eyes since the war. 

"Thank you... for loving me." 

Chapter Text

"Ace!!"  

Ace found himself waking up in cold sweat once again, he was grateful for Luffy’s voice pulling him out of another nightmare, and as he dragged himself out of bed and opened the door, he saw Luffy with some old man, he looked.. familiar? Did he run into him before? Maybe he saw his picture in a newspaper or a book...  

Ace rubbed his eyes and gave a small wave to his little brother, followed by a tired, forced smile.  

"Old man Rayleigh came all this way to help me train for the New World, isn't it cool?"  

Rayleigh?  

Silvers Rayleigh?  

Ace was definitely taken aback, the Dark King himself came all the way over here? Why?  

"Nice to meet you, Ace." Rayleigh extended his hand, which Ace reluctantly shook.  

"Silvers Rayleigh, right?" Ace raised an eyebrow. He didn't like this one bit, why would the right hand man of Roger himself be here to help Luffy train? With his mistrust of Roger and his men, an ulterior motive was the most reasonable bet.  

Maybe the distaste in his voice was too noticeable, because Rayleigh picked up on it right away. "I think we need to talk." The older man suggested.  

"Okay." Ace complied, taking it as an opportunity to learn about Rayleigh's true intentions, he wasn't sure if he should be worried about Luffy going of with one of... 'his' men.  

"We'll be right back, Luffy."  

Ace dragged the IV drip along, while forcing himself to straighten his spine, he needed to look stronger, more capable, he couldn't afford to show weakness in the presence of someone so close to 'that' man... Wait, why would he care about his opinion anyway?  

"What do you want?" Ace crossed his arms. 

Rayleigh smiled "I can't believe it, all this time you were right under my nose. I knew Roger was planning on a kid, but never thought he'd go and do it. And you look just like him too, maybe minus the mustache." Rayleigh laughed. 

For a moment he didn't seem like the first mate of the pirate king's crew, he just looked like a regular friendly old man, but pointing out his resemblance to Roger made Ace scowl. 

"Not too fond of him, are you?" 

"Why would I be?" Ace shot back. 

"I see." Rayleigh was unfazed by Ace’s increasingly bitter tone. "I'll be off with Luffy then. Don't worry, I'll take good care of your brother." He gave him a friendly smile, waved, and started walking away. 

"Wait!" 

"Hm?" Rayleigh's suspiciously pleased expression made Ace reconsider his words, but he quickly pulled himself back together. 

"Who said I'm just gonna leave you alone with him!?" Ace crossed his arms. 

"So you're coming with us?"