Work Text:
Useless
Fucking Deku
You really thought you could be a hero? Why, you can't even defend yourself!
Without power, you are nothing.
Sorry, we only serve those with quirks.
Izu-kun, why do you insist on hurting yourself like this? Don't you understand how much it hurts me? Do you enjoy causing me pain?
I can't do this anymore, Izu-kun.
Just give it up, Deku!
Now, now, Midoriya. What have we told you about picking fights in school?
...
I've got some advice for you, Deku...
Why don't you hope you'll be reborn with a quirk in your next life...
Do everyone a favour...
Fucking throw yourself off the roof!
Okay... Kacchan.
You win.
Izuku perched on the low wall of the roof's edge, swinging his legs idly while his mind worked. His back was stiff from sitting for too long, waiting for his mind to separate himself from the most painful of his memories, ignoring the pain and fear and burning self hatred in lieu of a far more pleasant ordeal.
He may be about to die, but it'd be nice to be able to think straight before he did.
Instead, he was simply observing how the wind toyed with his trouser material, swirling playfully around his legs in complete ignorance of the storms raging in his skull.
Oh, to be so easily carefree would be a blessing.
Alas, such an existence was not possible for the likes of him.
He shivered as the wind tugged harder on his filthy uniform, momentarily reminded of-
Cold, slimy tendrils wrapping around his body. Substance without substance trapping him inside a perpetually moving cage of sludge. Murky tentacles wrap around his face like cold fingers, effortlessly blocking off his nose, pouring down his mouth when he gasped for breath.
He couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe, couldn't breathe... No air but that endless slimy poison shoving itself down his throat, the villain's soft crooning drowned out in his endless panic because he couldn't fucking breathe!
No, no. He shouldn't think about that. All Might saved him, anyway. He should be grateful. Izuku had actually gotten a chance to be useful, after all! He served as a perfect distraction for the villain, allowing All Might to take him down and save the day.
The hero had even taken the time out of his day to sign his notebook! Izuku honestly felt bad for what he was planning now, only a day after that momentous event. The signature would end up going to waste.
Well...
It couldn't be helped. Izuku didn't deserve the hero's attention, anyways. He knew that, even if he felt disappointed at how quickly All Might left, not even waiting to make sure he didn't need medical attention after the incident! Izuku had so wanted to ask him something, too...
No. No, no, no, don't think like that! All Might was busy, so busy that he couldn't possibly have time to spare for a quirkless fool like him. Honestly, Izuku had no place trying to criticise the Symbol Of Peace. Who did he think he was?
No one. That's right. Doesn't matter if the rattling cough had persisted even after he went home last night. He deserved it, for being so weak that the villain was able to catch him without even trying. It was only right.
As if triggered by the thought, Izuku felt the tell-tale hitch of his lungs catching on a remnant of the villain's sludge, a resigned fear flowing into him as it did so. His chest spasmed, breath locked away as exhausted muscles tried to force the lurking residue out, away from him entirely. He clutched his throat, grimacing at the burning pain from the frequent coughing, so similar to-
Smoke, wrapping around him and clogging his senses as yet another cracking BOOM perpetuated the harsh ringing in his ears.
Izuku stumbling backwards, back slamming against the wall as he struggled to draw in clear breaths, lungs begging for a hint of fresh air outside of the cloying smoke generated by Kacchan's blasts. His chest and arms burned already from his friend's quirk, the skin reddened and broken in places, oozing clear flyid. Fresh burns overlayed old, and Izuku's mind writhed.
It hurt, so, so much. The curling tendrils of agony made his entire body want nothing more that to seize up and crumble to dust - anything to get away.
He wanted to scream, so, so bad. The breath caught in his throat, releasing a whimper before he could squash it. Pressure was building, up and up and up, crying for release.
"Shut the fuck up, Deku."
Of course, that was never an option, not with Kacchan.
"God, I am so sick of your fucking crying! Toughen the hell up if you're so focussed on being a hero, not that that's ever gonna happen."
The boy's harsh laughter echoed in a haunting discordance with the ringing in Izuku's ears, bringing with it the tell-tale warning buzz of an impending migraine from the overstimulation of his senses.
When does it end?
Will it ever?
Soon, Izuku told himself, shaking his head in a vain attempt to quieten the embers of that old ringing from his skull.
It'll all be over... soon.
He looked up, admiring how peaceful everything seemed from here, the roof of his middle school. Aldera had brought nothing but pain to him, so it seemed fitting that it would be witness to his final actions.
The incoming sunset bathed the city stretching before him in hues of red, orange and pink, reminding Izuku of just how long he had sat there. His body was growing stiff in the encroaching cold of the evening, muscles protesting from their prolonged stillness.
He ignored them, deigning to continue his observation of the city and his own mind instead. There was time enough for action later. Izuku wanted to be able to think straight before he sealed his fate, giving purchase to the annoying voice in the back of his skull that begged him not to do it.
The background noise of the city before him washed over Izuku's ears, providing a peaceful tune to dull the chaos in his mind. He'd planned this all out months ago, subconsciously, in the back of his mind. Kacchan's words yesterday had simply solidified that resolve, that this was the right thing to do in the end. Everyone was going to be happier once he was gone; he knew that much.
Mom would finally be at peace after all the worry he caused her; maybe she'd even be able to come back home for more than a few days at a time.
Kacchan would be able to pursue his career as the Number One Hero without the useless tag-along holding him back all the time.
And... well, that was pretty much it for people who cared about him. Maybe Dad would come back home once he learned Izuku was no longer there to sully his reputation with his quirklessness. The teachers at Aldera wouldn't have to put up with him tainting their records anymore. The kids there would be able to attend class without him infiltrating and contaminating it each day with his presence.
This was the right decision... right?
He could never have been a hero anyway, could he?
It's not like he ever got to ask All Might about that.
As if summoned by his musings, a muffled thump sounded behind Izuku, causing him to flinch reflexively as his head darted round, eyes wide with poorly-disguised panic at the intruder's entrance.
You know what? Fuck this.
Fucking All Might himself stood on the roof behind the boy, shining and radiant in full costume. He smiled that wonderful smile that decorated Izuku's bedroom walls and for one, glorious moment Izuku truly thought he could be rescued again. Sure, maybe it hurt a little that there was no recognition of Izuku in the man's eyes from the incident occurring only yesterday, but his smile and his sheer heroic self just banished all of that. Because here was Izuku's hero, finally come to save him from the darkness of his mind.
Turns out though, the world just really fucking hates him.
One moment, All Might stood there, tall and strong and amazing... the next, he had collapsed on himself in a cloud of steam, revealing a far smaller man to Izuku's terrified gaze, the spectacle accompanied by the unmistakeable hacking of blood.
The sound brought about that familiar twinge in Izuku's own chest, triggering yet another fit of violent coughing when he paid too much attention to it. Struggling to blink through watering eyes- with smoke stinging them relentlessly, Kacchan's touch burning on his arm, the scent of cooked flesh oozing into the air as the bully readied another explosion, mouth twisted into a malicious grin -Izuku swallowed roughly, trying to organise his thoughts past the flashbacks and more towards the fact that All Might was now a fucking skeleton man, coughing up fucking blood!
"All- *cough* -All Might?"
The man straightened, a decidedly wary look in his eyes as he smiles and waved at Izuku, reminding the boy distinctly of his current predicament. At that, he flushed a bright red, because seriously, who the hell meets their favourite idol while about to commit suicide? It was bloody embarrassing, if nothing else.
The hero seemed to fiddle with his phone briefly - a motion so quick that Izuku couldn't quite comprehend its meaning, before tucking it away with similar efficiency.
"It is I, young man." The bright sound of the hero's voice contrasted heavily with the wary steps he was taking towards Izuku, causing yet another leap of panic in his throat. "Sorry you had to see me like this, I was running out of time for my hero form when I spotted you up here, I guess... Could we talk?"
"Hol- Hold on, All Might." Izuku raised his hands slightly, shuffling a little closer to the edge of the building upon recognising the man's intent. As expected, the hero froze at the motion, eyes wide with ill-disguised fear at his position. "I'd really, really love to talk to you, like you have no damn idea... Just stay back, yeah?" He cursed his voice for squeaking a little at the end there, but Izuku would be damned before he'd let the Number One Hero - emaciated or otherwise - get too close to him right now.
All Might seemed unsure, hesitating halfway across the rooftop before nodding gently. He didn't take any further steps forward, much to Izuku's relief, although the boy was all too aware of how prepared the hero seemed to race towards him at any further motions on his part.
Time to deflect.
"How... Why do you look like that?"
He wanted to listen to the hero's answer, his mind vaguely processing the brief explanation of an old injury and repetitive surgeries, but truly his main focus was on what the fuck he was going to do now. Izuku knew he didn't deserve to be saved yesterday, or stopped right now, but he also recognised that this was All Might. He'd probably save everyone, even quirkless dekus like Izuku himself. At least, he might. The selfish part of Izuku really hoped so; pleaded with the cruel universe to make All Might somehow better than everyone else in his life. If only one person was fully on his side... maybe living wouldn't hurt so much.
And wasn't that the weirdest thought. Izuku had been so focussed on his plan upon reaching the rooftop only a few hours ago, yet now he was already reconsidering. Maybe that was just the power of All Might though... Heh. Somehow, Izuku wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. The man was his idol for a reason, after all.
He returned the fragmenting shards of his attention to the hero in that moment, startled at the man's current proximity - a good four steps closer to Izuku's position than he had begun. Heart in his throat, the boy gripped the roof's edge with white knuckles, seriously contemplating throwing himself over then and there, just to escape from the encroaching doom that came with All Might's proximity. He knew far too well that the moment the hero got within a certain distance, not even the best of Izuku's plans would stand a chance.
"Stay back!" Izuku was a little ashamed of how his voice grew high and quavering in that moment, not unlike when- popping, smoke, the threat of future burning as he was backed up against the wall, fragile voice pleading with the ever-present tormentor for mercy of any kind, just this once -Kacchan had cornered him in the past.
Thankfully, All Might knew the underlying threat hidden in the desperation of Izuku's words, eyes widening and hands coming up in a placating way as he paused in his forward motion.
"Young man, is there any way I could persuade you to move away from the edge? I won't come any closer; we can just talk for a bit if you like."
The hero's smile was probably meant to be comforting, and in any other situation Izuku would likely be swooning in awe of his idol expressing so much emotion towards him. Right now, though, the boy just felt horribly ill with a toxic mix of fear, despair and crushing guilt boiling in his stomach. All Might didn't deserve to be burdened with Izuku's issues, and yet, here he was, taking time out of his day and revealing... that... just so he could try to talk him down from the ledge.
Izuku wasn't a complete idiot. He knew the hero was likely trying to 'save' him from his suicide attempt, probably wrongly assuming that Izuku was even worthy of being saved.
But still... This was All Might, after all.
Returning the hero's soft smile with a shaky, forced one of his own, Izuku offered to meet him halfway, so to speak, spinning himself fully around on the low wall surrounding the building's roof to face the hero. His legs were no longer dangling over the four-story drop, instead trailing gently over the roof's surface.
"Oh... Okay. We can talk, I guess."
The pleased grin sported by All Might was almost enough to warm the blistering ice that had formed in Izuku's chest over the years, making his watery smile just a little bit less insincere in its presence.
The Number One Hero crouched down comfortably in his spot - very clearly prepared to leap forwards towards Izuku should be make the wrong move - but somehow relaxed enough that the boy didn't feel quite as overwhelmed or anxious at his presence. It was almost... nice. Even with the chaotic storm of emotions and thoughts boiling in his brain, Izuku felt he could almost relax slightly in this man's presence.
It's probably because he's All Might... but still.
It's nice.
"Now, young man. Do you think you could tell me your name?" All Might's characteristically loud and boisterous tone had softened now in Izuku's presence, something he was eternally grateful for as he forced an answer past unwilling lips, growing lazy now they were no longer motivated by panicked adrenaline.
"I'm... uh." Come on, voice. Don't fail me now. "Heh - um, my name's Midoriya..." Izuku, Izuku, Izuku, Izuku- "ah, Midoriya Izuku."
Izuku flushed, slightly embarrassed of how his speaking abilities - that fucking stutter that would never go away no matter how much he tried - acted up in front of the man before him. Ducking his head, he returned to studying the ground, waiting for the tell-tale sound of laughter as the hero inevitably made fun of him - or worse, told him off for it.
"So, Young Midoriya then!" Izuku raised his head in surprise, meeting All Might's steady gaze with his own confused one. "May I ask how old you are?"
"...Fourteen." His birthday was soon... just two months from now. Izuku had no plans of reaching it. Birthdays were things of pain for people like him, so he was quite happy not to have to live through another one. His mother was always so much... worse... on his birthdays, as much as that pained him to admit.
"Izuku!"
His mother's shrill voice echoed through the small apartment, the boy ducking out of sight in a futile effort to avoid her ire.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The hurried thud-thud-thud of her approaching footsteps effectively threw Izuku's heart into his mouth as he trembled by the front door, not quite sure why he was so afraid and yet entirely unable to quench his terror in the face of the woman before him.
"I- I was just out! I needed, ah, some fresh air. Figured I'd go for a- you know the walkway by that beach?" His eyes darted sideways, searching for a way to escape impending punishment yet knowing in his heart that he'd never take it. "Sorry, I should have to-told you."
He did tell her. Three times, in fact. But that was yesterday, when everything was normal and Mum didn't give a shit whether he was alive or dead. Today... Today was Izuku's birthday, coincidentally the same day he was diagnosed as quirkless, all those years ago. And that just made all the difference to Inko, somehow.
"Get in here," she hissed, grabbing his arm in a bruising grip while false tears poured down her cheeks. "Don't you know how worried I was? You could have been hurt, or even killed! I wasn't there - I wouldn't have been able to protect you. Why didn't you tell me where you were going? You're so selfish!"
Izuku stayed silent, knowing better than to try interrupt her tirade. Tears of his own were beginning to work their way into his eyes as he took hesitant steps into their apartment, the door swinging shut behind him.
"I'm sorry, Mum," he whispered, knowing it was no use.
"Go to your room! Honestly, how can you expect me to keep you safe if you insist on being so rebellious?"
"I- I'm... I don't need protected, Mum. Please." Tears were free-falling down Izuku's cheeks now, mirroring his mother in the only way he knew how. "Don't be like this."
"Don't talk to me in that tone, young man!" she snapped, shoving him away and towards his room. Softening her tone then, in a way that was somehow far, far more painful than the screaming, Inko continued. "You know why I have to do these things, Izuku. You know this! Being quirkless... You're fragile. I just don't want you to be hurt. Can't I have that, as your mother? Why are you denying my love like this? Don't you care for me?"
"Oh? You must be preparing to apply for high school soon, then?" All Might's rumbling voice broke Izuku from his memories, before ironically dragging him back to his more recent pains with dizzying speed. "Where are you thinking of trying for?"
And wasn't that the most heart-breaking question in the world.
"Honestly? … I was thinking... UA? The hero course, hope- hopefully." Izuku gulped, knowing full well the lie tainting those words. He'd never make it to UA, even if he survived this meeting. Kacchan, his mother, and all the others had made that abundantly clear.
That familiar scent of burnt caramel mingled with the choking smog of thick smoke that surrounded them. The only perceptible sounds were the deafening cacophonies of the bullies surrounding him, jeering and taunting him with barbed words, drawing precious lifeblood with each yell.
"Hah, no wonder your dad left, Deku. Dodged a bullet with you, honestly."
"Fucking disgraceful that Aldera even let you in. Bastards like you are nothing more than scum."
"You think you can be a hero? You can't even defend yourself! You'd be a goddamn liability on the field; nothing more than collateral damage"
"Those without power have no goddamn business breathing the same air as the rest of us. Get on your fucking knees, Deku, for we are gods compared to scum like you."
Each sentence was punctuated with a punch or kick, driving the air out of Izuku's lungs as his legs gave out, depositing him in a heap on the ground. Even then, the endless tirade of pain driven into him by his tormentors never ceased; only the angle changing with his newest position.
Kacchan's voice echoed above them all.
"You'll never be a hero, Deku. And if you still have the audacity to try? Well, I think death would be a pleasant option compared to what the villains should do with you."
Izuku screwed his eyes shut, shaking his head to dispel the memory. He didn't know why his brain insisted on reminding him of such things in such vivid detail, barely giving him room to breath between flashbacks at times. Swallowing sharply, Izuku forced himself back into awareness just in time to catch the end of All Might's response.
"-wonderful! You young people never cease to surprise me with your tenacity, so I am sure that no matter how you do in the entrance exam, it will be impressive to see."
And didn't that just warm his heart right back up.
"You- You really think so?"
"Of course, my boy! I have every faith in your abilities."
Izuku smiled, a real smile, for the first time in what felt like forever. All Might... believed in him. No taunts or thinly veiled insults, just pure, unconditional belief that made the boy's heart ache with longing for more.
But of course... All Might didn't actually know, did he? He couldn't, not unless he was observant enough to recognise the stereotypical red shoes that had given Izuku away so many times before.
Cursing himself, Izuku felt his smile fall away again, finding that he couldn't care enough to try and bring it back. All Might was amazing, to care for strangers like this. But even he had to know that Izuku didn't actually deserve it. It was only a matter of time before he found out.
Peering at the hero, the boy was glad to see that he hadn't made any further attempts to close the distance between them, thankfully. That heart-wrenching look of concern still danced around the hero's eyes, his smile wavering before falling into a more serious expression as Izuku watched.
"Midoriya-kun, could I ask you something a little personal?" Fucking shit, here it comes. "What's going on in that head of yours? Anything I can help with?" Oh?
Startled, Izuku could only blink at his idol for a moment, before wrangling his thoughts back into place with a grimace.
"I guess? In all honesty, I wanted to ask you something..." Might as well just bite the bullet and get it over with, after all.
"Ask away, young one!"
No use prolonging the pain... no matter how much he really wanted to. Izuku dreaded the look of pity or disgust that the hero was sure to soon wear, but it'd just be wrong to leave the man in the dark for any longer.
"I know you said you believe in me, but..." Come on Izuku, it's not that hard. "You see... I always wanted to be a hero." You can do it, stop stalling! "It's been my lifelong dream, really." He took a breath, smiling sheepishly up at All Might as he did so. "So..." Fuck... I don't want to do this. "I was wondering..." Just get it over with. "Can someone who is quirkless truly be a hero?"
The silence was deafening. Eyes screwed shut, shoulders tense in fear of impending blows that logically he knew weren't actually coming, but were feared all the same, Izuku held his breath while waiting for All Might's response. Seconds of hesitation stretched, and he found himself gritting his teeth so hard that they creaked in his jaw, hands pulled into fists so tight that crescent-shaped imprints were sure to remain in his palms long after releasing them. Even still, All Might didn't speak.
When he did, Izuku found himself wishing he never opened his damned mouth.
"Do you know why I smile, kid?" What? Surprised, Izuku's eyes sprung open, taking in the sight of the wilted hero before him, his eyes far too serious for the reassurances that Izuku ached to hear.
Seeing that the boy's interest was caught, All Might continued. "I keep this smile on my face so that no one can see the fear hidden beneath it. Even I, with all my power in my quirk, struggle to defeat villains at times. I am faced with the terrifying possibility of not being good enough, quick enough, strong enough, nearly every day." Oh... Please no. "You ask if someone without any power at all can do the same? Be a hero?" Please, not you too. "In good conscience, I cannot say yes. To do so would only lead you down a life of pain and despair, and inevitably an early death."
All of a sudden, Izuku found his words choking in his mouth, the reality of his idol's words settling into his bones with aching finality.
"You- I... You mean...?"
The hero even had the gall to look ashamed while he ripped Izuku's frayed dream to shreds before his eyes, his shadowed eyes looking remorseful of all things as he delivered that final blow to the boy's soul.
"No. Those without quirks simply cannot become heroes."
"Oh..."
It made sense. Really, it did. Izuku didn't know why he thought that All Might could ever respond with anything else. It was fucking stupid, wasn't it? He already knew the answer; it had been screamed in his face since the day he turned four, after all. Why... why did it hurt so much, coming from him?
It didn't make sense
But at the same time... it made all the sense in the world. Izuku was just too damned blind to see it before - he knew that now, at least. Stupid Deku; that was all he'd ever amount to, after all. Even All Might knew it, so it must be true.
It must all... be true...
"I've got some advice for you, Deku. Why don't you just hope you'll be reborn with a quirk in your next life... Do everyone a favour, really, pathetic bastard. You should just fucking throw yourself off the roof!"
Okay... Kacchan.
"My boy?" "Midoriya!"
"...Thanks. You always were my favourite, All Might."
He didn't remember standing up, or spinning around to put All Might at his back. He barely processed that final step over the edge; mind completely blank as gravity took the reins on his existence.
A thread of white flickered at the corner of his eyes, completely ignored by Izuku as he let them slip shut, avoiding the encroaching ground- the end of his short, short line.
The wind ruffled his hair, wiping his tears away before they had the chance to fall as his speed increased exponentially. It was peaceful, his mind falling blank for the first time in a decade. Alone, as he always was and always would be... for once it was fucking quiet.
Because... it was always going to be this way, wasn't it, Kacchan?
You win.
You always win.