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It’s Friday, and Steve has done nothing.
Well, ok, that’s not exactly true. He’s been fighting off a fever, looking after his classmate, trying to find said classmate when he’s disappeared off the face of the earth, and being broken up with by Nancy Wheeler. And now, it’s Friday, and the stupid fucking science project is due in, he’s got nothing to his name, and he’s going to fail. He’s going to get another F, when he knows he can’t afford a second of it, not a single second, he’s going to have-
And, he can’t.
He just-
So, yeah, all of this may be happening in his seat, whilst he’s waiting for Billy to show up and the teacher to work his way around to them. He hopes Billy doesn’t show.
But, he does, wearing that stupid grin which makes him look a little bit too deranged, and gets him what he wants. Plops some cards in front of Steve, with a wink, and pulls his textbook out.
Steve looks at them.
And-
They’re a speech. Or, well, half a speech. With little purple notes in the margin on pronunciations. And lines to signify a break, or where Billy speaks. Steve wants to kiss Billy, right here, right now. And maybe that’s something he’s wanted to do for a long while, but, god, if it isn’t amplified right now.
And before he knows it, Billy’s dragging him to his feet, mooching over to the board and drawing diagrams to match their speech. He starts, and Steve stumbles over his in a way that seems vaguely put together - almost good, for him, and Mr Stevens gives him a nod and a smile, which is more than he’s ever gotten.
Steve feels on top of the world, and it’s all due to Billy Hargrove and his stupidly gorgeous head.
So, when class is over, Steve doesn’t move from his side, where he’s waiting for the class to clear out. It’s just them, and Mr Stevens, who congratulates them and leaves them well alone.
“What’s wrong, Harrington?”
“Nothing. That’s just-“ he smiles, “thank you. So much.”
“For what?”
“The notes. The looking after me. The-thank you.”
Billy shrugs, “yeah, well, it’s not like I’m gonna let my grades take a hit either.”
“It slipped my mind, to be honest. And yesterday my girlfriend broke up with me, so-“
“Yeah. Heard about that. Don’t worry. You’ll find someone else.”
“How can you say that?!”
“Look, Steve, I understand how hard it can be. Believe me. I know.”
“You-?”
“I know.”
No. There’s no way.
“You know?”
“Yeah, I mean, you were pretty conked, but from what I could make out- it’s difficult, I get it. For people like us.”
“Like us? Billy, there are no people like us. There’s people who know, and there’s people who don’t.”
“People who know?”
“Yeah,” Steve says, gesturing around, “What’s out there.”
“Jesus, you make it sound so scientific.”
“So, how much sense was I making, with a fever?” He laughs, trying to imagine half the conversation about the upside down when under a fever. It’s not good.
Billy laughs, “Not enough. How about you tell me, now? Stick to the Wheeler bits, though, so I get the short version.”
“Okay.” Steve gulps. It’s like they’re so much closer, now, and he isn’t sure where to start with it all, but he takes a breath, and begins, “I didn’t know, at the beginning. About anything, really. I was ‘King Steve’, like you say. And I found Nancy. And she was sweet, and kind, and so, so beautiful. And I don’t know. It’s like, I was drawn to her. And we had this party. Me, Tommy, Carol, her, and her friend, Barbara Holland.”
“Isn’t she-?”
“Yeah. Well, we got wet, in the pool, and went upstairs, and-some stuff happened. We didn’t know. I don’t-“ he sighs. He knows that was his fault, that night,
“I was so stupid, you know? Young, I guess. Not that that makes a difference. But I was, and I had sex instead of staying downstairs, and then people went missing, and I still didn’t see it. I didn’t see it until I showed up at a house that was exploding with electricity and a faceless flower man was trying to bite off my face. And I know I messed up, but it’s-a lot. Like, there’s an upside down version of our town, and people are being eaten in it? And we can’t even talk about it? And then, now, it’s all over, and my girlfriend can’t even stay with me because I’m too immature, and I know I am, butI don’t know how to be mature, because I feel like I’m still five years old and there’s monsters under my bed and I’m also fifty and fighting them, bur in reality all I’m being told is to do my homework, and I’m neither but I can’t sleep with the lights off and I can run so much faster than ever before, and I don’t know what to do.” He’s crying now, and Billy’s just staring.
“Do- Wha- Ho- I- Huh?”
“Yeah. Sorry. I shouldn’t be dumping all that on you. It’s just, you said you knew, and-“
“No. I did not say-“ Billy sighs, “I mean, you flirted with me. I was saying I knew..”
Shit.
“Oh. Yeah, no, you’re right. I do. I like girls, but guys too. Just don’t tell my dad.”
“No. Wasn’t-“ Billy sighs, “I’m going to cut gym today, and go to the quarry. Join me after gym. Not before. I need..something. Ok?” His icy eyes are on Steve, who just nods, numb.
“Yeah, ok.”
He grunts, and all but runs out of the room.
Steve gets to the quarry later than he wanted to, but Tommy was messing with his stuff, so he tried his best. Billy’s car is there, but he’s not. Instead, he’s…
Shit.
He’s standing on the edge of the cliff, staring down at the water.
“Billy? Hey, Hargrove, get away from there.”
Billy doesn’t turn around, “Five.” He says with a shudder, “I was five, when he…the first time, I mean. You asked, the other night.”
“Ok. Thank you for telling me. Now can you please just step away from the edge?”
“I didn’t care though, because I knew he loved me really. But-“ he sighs, “My mom left after that. Day after my sixth birthday. Said I’d understand when I was older. I don’t.”
“Billy, please-“
“I figure I owe you a story, Harrington, so..” he runs his fingers through his hair, and spins around on the spot so Steve can take in his face. Tears are in his eyes, not fallen, and he’s smiling hollowly. He doesn’t move away from the edge. Steve wants to pull him away from the edge, hold him tight until he comes to terms with all the shit he’s been dealt.
“After she left, I was pissed off with the whole world, and I needed a purpose. My dad gave me that. Every time I needed to do something, he’d tell me he wanted to teach me something, and when I succeeded I’d get to choose something we’d do together. And..it was good.” He smiles, lip trembling.
“One day, he brought a new car home. And he loved it, so much. Told me he’d teach me how to use it someday. I said, ‘You won’t have to, Sir.’ And he laughed, called me a good kid. Went back to it. I took it as permission. Went looking up cars for weeks and weeks, practising, and reading, and looking for information.”
“You-?”
Billy nods, “4 weeks later, when my dad asked me to go get something from the shop down the road, I hopped into the car, and started driving. But the roads were difficult, and I was too small, and-“ he stifles a sob, “The car came out of nowhere.”
Steve’s heart clenches, “God, Billy, I-“
“I thought I’d died. But I hadn’t.” Billy smiles, “Do you know what I thought, when I woke up, saw my dad waiting there?”
Steve isn’t sure he wants to.
“I thought, ‘I can’t even die properly.’” He’s crying, and Steve doesn’t know what to do, “I was..seven years old. And I wanted to be dead.”
“You need to get away from the edge, Billy.” Steve whispers. Billy shakes his head,
“I-I’ve tried to die, so many times. You know that? Every time he’s called me a faggot, or hit me too hard, I’ve taken rope around my neck, driven way too fast and swerving too much, drinking until I’m sicker than a dog. It never works. And I think…now, I think I know why.”
Steve just wants him safe, “Why?” He asks.
“Because..I don’t want to die. I just..don’t want to live like this.”
“Then don’t.” Steve offers an arm out, and Billy allows himself to be pulled away from the edge of the cliff. He’s shaking like a leaf, so Steve holds him close, not commenting when he burrows into his jacket. They walk over to the Camaro, and sit on the bonnet. Steve strokes his hair gently, not really knowing what to do.
“I love him, you know?” He says, after a while. Steve takes his hands out of his hair, “I hate him too, I’m not stupid. I know he doesn’t love me. But sometimes, he’ll get me that ice cream that no-one else likes, or painkillers after a bad beating, and he’s always come to my basketball games, and I just-“ he sighs, “He’s my dad, and I just want him to love me, because I love him. But he doesn’t, and I hate him for that, and the beatings, but it doesn’t stop me from loving him, Harrington. I don’t know how to do one without the other.”
“You don’t have to, right now. You just need to get help.”
He shakes his head, “Is there really another world in Hawkins?”
Steve frowns, “Um..yeah?”
Billy laughs, “I knew something was wrong with this place, but that…a place where there are two versions of the same place, and monsters, and a Billy Hargrove who wants help. Fucking weird.”
Steve snorts out a laugh, “Yeah. Fucking weird.”