Chapter Text
“There you are, Felix. I’ll come and get you for lunch.” Nurse Katie locks the brakes on Felix’s wheelchair, pats him on the shoulder, and heads out of the room. She’s left him right by the window; she knows it’s his favourite spot. Here he can look out over the partially dead grass lawn at the back of the rehab facility, where he can see a few patients walking across the grass, some with canes, some holding onto their therapists arm. That’ll never be him, he thinks—he’s not making the progress he should be making, but then his heart’s just not in it. He’s got nothing to recover for.
Nine months ago Felix’s life ended.
***
The heating in the car warms Felix’s chilled fingertips as they drive out of Sydney, the radio turned down low—a pleasant background hum. He gazes out at the indigo sky, smiling to himself. For the first time in a while he feels truly happy. His final year of high school is over halfway done, and his exams are nearing, yet he can see the light at the end of the tunnel, the freedom of taking that first step into adulthood as he leaves school and starts university in the new year. There’s so much he has planned.
Jisung, Felix’s best friend, pulls the car over onto the shoulder behind a familiar truck. Across the field they’d pulled up beside Felix can see a huddle of figures a few hundreds feet from the road, lit up by a couple of torches and a bonfire. Felix’s insides bubble with excitement—their last night of freedom before they hunker down for the long few months of hard studying before their HSC exams.
“Help me unload?” Jisung says as he opens the driver side door and slides out of the car. Felix follows with an affirmative hum, grabbing his backpack from the footwell and slinging it over his shoulder before nudging the door closed with his hip. The chill of the winter night kisses his freckled cheeks. He grabs a couple bags with drinks, snacks and blankets from Jisung, then begins the journey across the field to his group of friends, whose laughter he can already hear, carried on the light breeze.
“Felix!” He’d recognise Hyunjin’s voice anywhere; he doesn’t even need to see him to feel that familiar fluttering in his belly. He recalls the first time he felt it, last year during their summer break, when their friend group had gone to the beach one night and he’d spent a good half an hour trying to splash and dunk Hyunjin in the ocean. He remembers how they stood staring at each other, breathless with their hair stuck flat to their heads afterwards, before they’d laughed, and laughed, and laughed .
The rest of the night goes by in a blur of drinking games, bad singing, sharing secrets and dreams and embarrassing moments. It’s the perfect end to a period of youthful freedom before being adults comes creeping upon them. It’s a night to remember. Felix lays wrapped up in a blanket beneath the stars, listening to the sound of Hyunjin breathing beside him, and in the ever so slight light of sunrise that peeks over the horizon, Felix turns to look at Hyunjin, finding him already watching him. Then, they kiss .
A while later Jisung nudges Felix to tell him he’s got to get home, and that Felix can either come with him, or travel back with the others later. He hesitates for a moment, glancing back at the now sleeping Hyunjin, and decides to take his leave, wary of the conversation they’ll inevitably have to have. If only he could go back and choose to stay .
They pack up quietly, relieving their friends of the trash scattered around them so they don’t have to worry about it when they awaken, and hop into Jisung’s car. The sky’s a brilliant watercolour of peaches, oranges and blues straight ahead of them as they get on the long road back into the city. The radio plays the newest hits quietly, a background buzz to their comfortable, sleepy silence. Everything feels right , as though this night is the opening sequence to a coming of age movie, in which Felix is the main character, about to embark on a whirlwind romance that he’ll try hard not to let get in the way of his final exams.
As the city begins to unfold before them the noises outside get louder, the sounds of early risers beginning their days off in the distance. As they come to an intersection they stop at the red light and Jisung looks over at Felix and smiles. They don’t say anything, they just share a bright, truly happy smile. Then the light turns green and Jisung pulls out.
And everything goes dark.
***
When Felix awakens, he’s confused by the unfamiliar ceiling, the soft beeping, the scratchy materials against his skin and the unbearable dryness of his mouth. The last thing he remembers was being in the car with Jisung, but he can’t remember how he got here; wherever
here
is. Everything feels stiff, as though he’d been laying down for far too long. His head hurts, and the bright light of the room he’s in makes him squint. He wiggles his fingers, then slowly draws a hand up to scratch his nose, pausing with it halfway to his face as he notices the tube attached to his arm. Then, it dawns on him—
he’s in a hospital
.
As he scratches his nose a little clumsily, he tries to remember anything that could explain why he was here, but comes up with nothing. He was perfectly well that morning, or so he thought, but perhaps he’d fainted. Yes, that was probably what happened. He’d fainted and Jisung had driven him to the hospital, and the tube in his arm was giving him fluids. Why he had fainted was a mystery to Felix, but what else could have happened?
He’s alone, but there’s a button beside the bed that reads ‘Press for assistance’. Felix reaches out, and his arm shakes as his muscles resist the movement. He’d never had a lot of upper body strength, but the sudden weakness makes him pause, frowning and pushing extra hard to reach the button and press down on it. It takes a couple of tries, as the button’s small, and his fingers are abnormally clumsy, but eventually he manages to press it, hoping it alerted someone to him being awake.
It takes a minute or two, but soon enough a young nurse comes rushing in, eyes wide. She seems to try to hide the shock, though, as she straightens up, clears her throat a little, and tries to shift her expression into a warm smile. “You’re awake! How are you feeling?” Her eyes shift from Felix to the monitors surrounding him. She plucks his chart from the bottom of the bed and begins to note things down as she checks the screens, glancing at him every now and then.
“Uh, alright. My mouth’s sort of dry. Can I have a drink?” He croaks, his voice rough, sounding ten times worse than it usually does after he wakes up. He must’ve been out for a while .
“Of course you can. Here.” She sets down the clipboard, then pours out a small plastic cup of water, popping a little straw in it before holding it in front of him, guiding the straw to his lips. “Only small sips for now, though.” She warns him before he begins to drink. He takes a few sips, though not as much as he wants, and then she’s taking the cup away again, setting it on the table beside his bed.
“What… happened?” He asks softly, starting to feel somewhat agitated by the mystery surrounding his being here. He wonders how many hours he’d been out for, and whether his mother had been notified, and was sitting worrying about him. The thought of her worrying about him dropped like ice cubes inside him, making him a little nauseous.
“The doctor will be along soon, and he’ll explain everything. You just relax now.” Her non-answer makes Felix frown. Why can’t she tell him? “Are you comfortable? Do you want to sit up a little more?” He doesn’t bother speaking, just simply nods, hoping he can leave soon. He’s not a fan of hospitals and never has been, so the sooner he’s out the better. The nurse presses a button on the side of the bed and slowly the upper half tilts upward. Then, she tells him to just relax again, and hurries from the room.
As Felix waits he looks around the room, finally taking it in. On the opposite wall, along a little shelf, there are cards and a variety of teddy bears of all sizes lined up, each one reading some variation of ‘Get well soon!’. He stares at them, thinking. He must have been here for a little longer than just the day then, since it appears people had heard about him being here, and had had long enough to visit and drop off cards. How many days though? And why? What had happened to land him in the hospital, seemingly unconscious for multiple days?
His eyes shift to the window, peering out at the scenery beyond the window. For a moment, he doesn’t notice anything strange, but then he catches sight of the trees with their abundance of lush, green leaves, and the sunshine beating down so hard on the ground that Felix can almost see the heat waves rising off the concrete. His breath catches in his throat, and a sudden dread fills him, slowly, but persistently. No, there’s no way . He swallows, mouth once again dry as a panic begins to set in. It can’t be the summer . Last Felix remembered it had just been nearing the end of winter—the trees had stood like skeletons against grey skies, and there’d been a persistent chill in the air. The weather he was staring so intently at wasn’t winter, there was no way that was winter, but how could it be summer?
“Felix, you’re awake!” Felix’s head turns, his neck stiff and a little painful, and he stares at the doctor as she walks into the room. Behind her is another nurse, though a different one this time.
“What date is it?” He asks instantly, noticing the way the doctor’s smile falters, a slight dullness, almost a sadness clouding her expression.
“It’s Saturday the 26th of February, 2022.” She answers him plainly. He’s glad she answered, despite the horror her answer spears him with. He feels, for a moment, as though he’s had the wind knocked out of him. Six months . It’d been six months since that party where he’d kissed Hyunjin. Over three months since he was meant to sit his final exams. A month since he was meant to be starting college. But what had happened?
“What happened?” His voice is much quieter this time, cracking with emotion that he can feel threatening to explode out of him. The doctor sighs and pulls up a chair beside Felix’s bed, the nurse leaning against a table beside the door, his eyes cast downward.
“You were in a car accident. I understand you were returning from a party outside the city with some friends. A drunk driver ran a red light and hit the car you were travelling in. You suffered quite a few injuries, which I’ll go into later, and have been in a coma since.” Felix is quiet, digesting the information slowly, thinking back to that morning in the car with Jisung— Jisung .
“What about my friend? He was driving.” He can tell before she answers him that her words are about to break his world in two.
“I’m so sorry, Felix. He didn’t make it.”
If the doctor continues to talk, Felix doesn’t hear it. A sound, so guttural and raw that it feels as though it rips through his throat, explodes out of him, his hands clawing at the blankets over his legs, hammering against the weak little twigs beneath them. He screams, and he screams, and he screams until the cries fall away into weak sobs, his body shaking with a loss so profound he thinks for a moment he might just die.
***
Felix doesn’t recall anything else from that day. The news had been too much for him, and once he’d cried himself to sleep he hadn’t woken up again for a few days. He wished he’d never woken up again, especially during those first couple of weeks. He doesn’t care when they tell him about the brain injury, or the spine injury, or that he won’t be going home for a long time yet. He doesn’t care that he’d missed his exams, or starting college. Every waking hour he thinks of his best friend. The man who’d been by his side since he wasn’t even tall enough to see over shop counters. He remembers his smile, especially that one he’d gifted to Felix during their last moments together, when the sky was so pretty and pink behind him. He wishes he’d taken a picture, even if his camera roll was already full of pictures of Jisung smiling and laughing. Somehow, miraculously, his phone had survived the crash with nothing more than a shattered screen. He can’t bring himself to look at pictures of Jisung for a long time though.
It isn’t until a few weeks after he’d begun to fall back into a normal sleep pattern, his days becoming less of a confusing blur, and more rigidly scheduled with all kinds of tests punctuating every few hours, that he realises he'd missed Jisung’s funeral. He decides then and there that the first place he’ll go once he’s allowed outside will be to visit Jisung.
The first people to visit him once he’s awake are, of course, his family. His mother cries and holds him, and he cries too, though his tears are far sadder than hers. She cries with relief, he cries with an emptiness that he fears he’ll never fill. His father and sisters cry too, though they hold themselves together much better than his mother does. They don’t talk about what he’s missed, or lost, at first, just about the present, and what they’re going to do together now he’s awake.
Then, his friends visit him. They come in pairs, and groups of threes, all beaming at him, making jokes to cheer him up, and trying not to talk about college, which he’s now missing out on. They talk about current events and music, new albums he has to listen to and tv shows he needs to watch. It’s nice, and succeeds in taking Felix’s mind off what had happened, at least for a few hours.
Amongst all his visitors, is Hyunjin. His eyes are red when he comes in one afternoon, holding a pretty bouquet. Felix perks up when he sees him, pressing the button on his bed to tilt himself up a little more. He’d been hoping to see him, knowing that he’d be one of the few people who could make Felix feel better, as though there was something left to keep going for.
“How’ve you been?” Felix asks as Hyunjin sits down in the seat beside his bed. He notices the strange tension between them immediately, and chalks it up to their last interaction being one that certainly needed to be talked about.
“Good, yeah…You?” His voice falters at the end of the halfhearted question. Felix manages an empty smile, giving a little shrug.
“I’ve been better.” He jokes, though neither of them laugh. They sit in silence for a minute, then Hyunjin sighs and shifts the chair closer to the bed, reaching out to gently take Felix’s hand in both of his own.
“I’m sorry, Felix.” He says, voice cracking with an emotion that Felix can’t seem to understand.
“For what?”
‘I… didn’t wait for you.” He says almost so quietly that Felix doesn’t hear him. At first, he doesn’t understand what Hyunjin means. Wait for him to do what? But then, as he watches Hyunjin begin to silently cry, head hung, and hands clasped so tightly around his own, he understands.
“Are they nice?” He asks after a minute of silence, and Hyunjin nods, sniffling and retracting one hand to wipe his cheeks with his sleeve. “Do you love them?” Again, Hyunjin nods, though it’s hesitant, and he bursts into a fresh wave of tears afterwards. Despite the empty, heavy feeling in Felix’s chest, he forces himself to smile.
“Then I’m happy for you.” Hyunjin’s head snaps up, and he stares at Felix for a moment, before pressing his hands to his face and audibly sobbing. Felix reaches out to gently push his hair, longer than Felix remembers it, behind his ear, wiping some stray tears from the side of his face. The action hurts, and isn’t nearly as delicate as Felix intended for it to be, but it’ll do, he thinks, as he watches the boy he’d had his heart set on, cry. He isn’t lying, even if his heart aches. He’s happy Hyunjin’s happy, he just wishes he was happy with Felix .
***
Felix suffered a brain, and spinal cord injury in the car accident, along with multiple other breaks, bruises and scrapes. He had some nice new scars over his body from broken glass and bits of metal, and a couple from surgeries. The long term issues were the effects of the brain and back injury, though—those left him confined to a wheelchair and unable to do simple tasks like hold his own cup to take a drink, or brush his teeth, or even go to the bathroom or shower by himself. He wasn’t paralysed completely, or permanently, but the back injury had left his lower half weak, and the brain injury had affected his fine motor skills.
For the first five or six weeks after he woke up Felix doesn’t remember too much. During one of his more lucid moments he asks a nurse he particularly likes if she’ll help him write down what happens every day—who visits him and what they talk about—so that he can remember it later. In those weeks, as he recovers from post-traumatic amnesia, his brain is muddled and messy, making it hard to distinguish between dreams and reality. One day he wakes up convinced that he spent the night partying with Jennette McCurdy from iCarly, the next he asks the nurse wheeling him down the hall one evening when they’ll go to the hospitals rooftop restaurant again, inquiring as to whether she remembers when they went before to eat the fresh sushi.
It’s a tough road to recovery, but even once his brain settles back into reality, it doesn’t feel much better. Once he’s passed the post-traumatic amnesia phase, he’s transferred to the rehabilitation centre. It’s still part of the same hospital, so as they wheel him across the courtyard between buildings he takes in the falling leaves, thinking about how he missed his last proper summer break with his friends. His knuckles turn white as he grips the box in his lap, filled with his cards and teddy bears he’d accumulated over the months in his hospital room.
His new room is a bit bigger and brighter, a bit cosier, clearly set up for extended stays. It appears more like a hotel room than a room in a medical facility. They tell him he can decorate a little if he wants, gesturing to a cork board on the wall. It’s better than the hospital, but it still isn’t
home
. He’s been craving his own bed ever since he woke up, but there’s no set date for his release, he just has to get better, and then he can go home. He can’t help but wonder if that’s all he’s got to look forward to now, though;
going home
.