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May 5, 2007
A random hotel paid for by the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League
"Jack!" Kent pounded on his hotel room door. "Let me in!"
Jack shoved his head under the pillow. For once he wasn't rooming with Kenny and it felt weird. Not weird enough to let him in. Weird enough to keep him out.
It was weird.
Jack normally loved hanging out with Kenny. They were friends who sometimes hooked up, and Jack always loved how close he would feel and how much that connection soothed him and somehow even helped his anxiety, but it was too much. It was too much right now. He needed space. The thought of Kenny invading his space made him recoil. He needed space. Kenny couldn't be there. He was too close, even as he was, at the door, knocking, yelling to Jack, he was too close, Jack needed space, he couldn't be there, he needed to get away-
The knocking stopped, the sudden silence sitting heavy in the room, Jack's breathing replacing the knocking as the only thing he could hear. It was the same volume anyways. Jack reached for the meds he should have taken long ago.
May 2, 2016
Somewhere in Providence
Jack's phone was ringing. He answered it. "Hello?"
"Hey! Are we still on to hang out this weekend?" Bitty asked.
"Yeah, if you don't mind. I really need the company," Jack said.
"Of course! Now, what flavor jam do you want? Mama has been messaging me almost every single day about the feud, but she's also been suggesting new flavor combinations to me, what do you think the team would appreciate-" Jack smiled as he listened to Bitty ramble. It was comforting to just listen to someone he cared about talk about something they're passionate about and refreshing that it wasn't hockey. It allowed him to separate things a bit.
It allowed him to breathe.
There wasn't any pressure when it came to Bitty's baked goods, nothing that reminded him of the legacy he had to live up to and the legacy he was trying to create and the legacies he was trying to escape. There were so many things that prevented him and Kenny working out. Hockey was like air to Jack, then, and Kent was the manifestation of hockey. He never got a chance to breathe around him, and that was part of what made him thrilling but also gave the relationship an expiration date.
Bitty was another source of air, connected with, but separated to, hockey. It was so nice.
May 10, 2007
Jack's bedroom
Jack kissed Kent like he was a dying man and Kent had the kiss of life. Kenny pulled back first, panting and out of breath. "Glad you warmed back up to me," he smirked.
"Just need to not think for a bit," Jack said, pulling him back in. The two rolled over, accidentally knocking a few pill bottles over on the way. They tumbled to the ground, a mixture of hollow thuds and rattling. Kenny looked at them.
"Jesus man, if you take any more meds, they're going to have to start drug testing you," he joked, picking up a silent pill bottle. He stared down at the rest. "That's quite a collection," he said. "You saving them for an art project? You were interested in photography, right?"
"Uh, no, just haven't gotten around to throwing them out. My parents insist I take off the labels and any identifying info before I throw out the bottles, and I just haven't gotten around to it, with our game schedule and everything," Jack said, sitting up and holding his breath for Kenny to change the subject.
"This is a month's supply. It was filled half a month ago," Kent said.
"I've just been anxious about the playoffs, okay? It's fine. I'm fine. I can handle this," Jack said, trying to pull Kenny back in. "It's why I need a distraction."
Kenny looked at the bottles scattering the ground, the bottle in his hand, at Jack, and then back to the bottle in his hand before dropping it and going back to press a kiss against Jack's lips.
May 13, 2016
Jack's bedroom
"Bitty, I'm- I'm worried. I'm getting more anxious again, but I don't know if I can trust myself with anxiety medication," Jack admitted as he cuddled with Bitty on one of the few nights they were able to force their schedules to allow it.
"Jack, that's natural. You have anxiety. You don't ever stop having anxiety. You can work to become less anxious, but it'll always be a part of you. You've already learned how to live with it so well, and I'm so proud of you for that, honey. Now, I don't know much about the exact details of whatever happened earlier, and I don't need to know if you don't want to tell me, but I know the you now, and you would fight so hard to keep that from happening. You're not who you were when you were eighteen. You've grown. You're much better at handling your anxiety now. You could bring up the idea of restarting medication with your therapist and see what she says about it," Bitty said, wise beyond his years. What did Jack do to deserve such a beautiful soul?
"I don't want to start new medication in the middle of playoffs, especially if I have adverse effects to it, and the breathing and meditation exercises she gave me are helping, but some days it doesn't feel like enough. Like no matter what I do, it's inescapable."
"Tell her, sweetie. She can't help you if she doesn't know. But I'm so glad you have things that do help, and I'm so grateful you're feeling comfortable talking about this. You just let me know if you ever need to do any of them, okay?"
"Yeah. Thanks, Bitty."
"Anytime, honey."
May 20, 2007
An empty locker room
They lost.
They lost, they lost, they lost, they were going to lose their spot in the playoffs, it was all Jack's fault, he didn't deserve to be Bad Bob's son, he should have never started playing hockey-
"Zimms? Zimms, can you hear me? Just focus on me. Jack? Are you okay?" The voice sounded so far away, but it slowly got closer and Jack's breathing sorted itself out. It had ran its course anyways, they always did.
Jack opened his eyes.
"Yeah, I'm fine Kenny," he said, standing up. Kenny grabbed his arm.
"What was that?" he demanded.
"A panic attack, it's fine. It doesn't affect my playing," Jack said, shrugging him off.
"And what about when it does?" Kenny asked.
"It won't," Jack said as he walked away, leaving Kenny staring at him.
May 28, 2016
On his way home
"Bitty? Hi, I'm so sorry to interrupt, but can you please just breathe with me?" Jack asked, his breath already started to speed.
"Of course honey. Here, in.... out.... in..... out....." Jack had long ago discovered that the 4-7-8 breathing (or was it 4-8-7?) that so many therapists recommended just made him feel like he couldn't breathe, but Bitty just breathing in and out with him helped. He listened to Bitty's exaggerated breaths and moved with them, a sense of intimacy that he had normally didn't feel washing over him. After Jack's breathing got back to normal and his thoughts were quiet enough that Jack could control them, his thoughts started to analyze what happened.
What made Bitty different from Kenny.
…
It was Jack.
Jack was just in a better place. He had methods to stop anxiety attacks before they started, he could talk about his feelings, he understood that the pressure he felt about his father's legacy wasn't pressure he needed to carry. He was able to let people in. He could truly love someone for the first time in his life because he finally knew how to be himself. Jack Zimmermann was a bi, anxious hockey player who was a professional athlete and a history buff. And he loved himself despite it. No. He loved himself for it.
"Thank you," Jack said, unable to fully thank Bitty for everything he had done for him, for all the ways he had helped Jack grow, for all the times he was there for him.
"It's nothing," Bitty assured him. "You would do the same for me."
"You know, you're the first person who's really gotten past my walls," Jack admitted quietly.
"I thought that honor went to Shitty," Bitty half-joked.
"No, you're right, it definitely was Shitty," Jack smiled. "But that doesn't make the progress we've made together any less significant. You're the only person I feel comforted by your presence. I love Shitty, but I never know what he'll do next. You... I've never really believed in the concept of soulmates, but if the definition is someone who makes you the best version of yourself and that you feel so comfortable with and want to spend the rest of your life with... that's you, Bitty. You're... My life is so much better with you in it."
June 8, 2007
A radio station
"Beautiful game from Jack Zimmermann and Kent Parson."
"Truly. The whole team played well, but those two were like a work of art."
"They seem to be an unstoppable duo. They pulled off something fans are calling the Zimmermann-Parson No Look One-Timer."
"Fans are also speculating which one will go first in the NHL drafted. There's good reasoning for both of them. Zimmermann has the famous Stanley Cup winner Bad Bob Zimmermann as his father, so many people expect great things from him, some of which we've already seen, but there's been speculation about Zimmermann dealing with anxiety, likely related from all the expectations placed on him. Some people are even wondering if he can handle the stress."
"Well, so far he has proved he can, but of course no one can see the future, so there's no way to tell. These worries may lead teams to conclude that the safer option is Kent Parson. Maybe not as much potential, but a player who can handle the stress is better than one who has a breakdown every game."
"Do you think Jack Zimmermann has a breakdown every game?"
"I don't think so, and I don't know what happens in locker room, but he sure seems to look frazzled at press conferences. He's seemed tired and nervous before, but ever since they got into the playoffs, his mind doesn't seem to be there."
"Well, whatever's happening, we look forward to seeing what happens in the future games and hope to see exciting things from Kent Parson and Jack Zimmermann."
June 14, 2016
A hockey blog
The Providence Falconers are progressing well in the playoffs. It's looking very hopeful for the young team, hinting at even better things to come. Of course, many eyes are on this team because of Jack Zimmermann, son of Bad Bob Zimmermann. On top of Bad Bob's legacy, there was also the NHL draft that the young Zimmermann mysteriously missed before disappearing for a few years. He reappeared at a small college, Samwell University, where he played and coached hockey, unfortunately never getting the cup there. Things remain hopeful that he could get a Stanley Cup in the near future. With Zimmermann being in the spotlight again, people are speculating at a few things. We'll go over the most common questions.
Why did he disappear?
No one has made a statement as to where or why he disappeared right before the draft. The most common theories have to do with much of the rest of the speculation, mostly that he was struggling with mental health or that he was involved with Kent Parson and it got messy. There has been some speculation that he just decided that he wasn't ready for the NHL, but many people believed that he was ready, and even he suggested it at the time, so this theory is unlikely.
Was he involved with Kent Parson?
Kent Parson, who currently plays with the Las Vegas Aces, played with Zimmermann on the same Quebec Major Junior Hockey League team. He and Parson seemed to be close at the time, playing beautifully together, and even coining the Zimmermann-Parson No Look One-Timer. There wasn't much speculation about any involvement between them during their time together in the league, but it started when Zimmermann infamously missed the draft. Nothing has been confirmed beyond speculation, and the two seem civil, if cold, though that can be attributed to former teammates now being enemies. While they don't avoid the topic of the other during interviews, it doesn't seem to be a topic they welcome, leaving people to wonder if there is or was any bad blood between them.
Does he struggle with his mental health?
Hockey players are famously stoic, and with Jack Zimmermann having the nickname of "Hockey Robot" from his former Samwell teammates, he's no exception, making this difficult to know for sure. There's been a lot of pressure on him for most of his life, and that can't be healthy for him. For the most part, he seems to handle the stress well, but we can't ignore the mysterious disappearance from the draft. The theory about struggling with mental health seems the most likely reason for his disappearance. It would explain the sudden nature of it and why it's never been addressed. This makes sense, as Zimmermann may make himself a target on the ice if he were to open up about it and address it. Some things in the hockey world are better left to speculation, and Jack Zimmermann has grown up surrounded by the hockey world and likely hearing Bob Zimmermann's stories about what the players, press, etc are like.
June 11, 2007
A hockey stadium
They did it. Jack caught Kent's eye and smiled. He did it. He proved to the world he could play hockey. He could develop a legacy outside of his father.
June 26, 2016
A hockey stadium
He couldn't believe it. Jack looked at the A on his jersey and then at the Cup. And then Bitty. Eric Bittle. Without whom, he wouldn't be who he was. He may not even have been here without him. Jack smiled at Bitty who smiled back. He was still working on overcoming his past and his shadows, but he knew he could do it. He was finally strong enough and had people to support him when he wasn't.
June 30, 2007
The house Jack grew up in
He had proven to the world that he was good at hockey. He could build his way out of his father's shadow, show that he was worthy of the legacy. But what would happen when the world finally figured out he wasn't? He wasn't good enough to get out of his father's shadow. He wasn't good enough to have been born to his father. He's wasting all the opportunities he's gotten. He would never be good enough to have to stop relying on his father. He couldn't do this, he just couldn't. How could he handle this? No one ever taught him how to deal with this. How was he supposed to be the child of an NHL legend? What was he thinking playing hockey? He would never be as good as his father.
Jack noticed that he felt lightheaded. He wasn't sure if it was the alcohol he and Kenny were drinking earlier or the anxiety. He just needed his thoughts to be quiet. They were getting so much worse so quickly.
Jack struggled through his shallow quick breaths that didn't give him any oxygen to stand up and get his meds. He poured a bunch out into his hand, grabbed the nearest beverage, and swallowed the pills.
June 30, 2016
The apartment Jack now called his home
"What's wrong?" Bitty asked as he sat next to Jack.
"I just saw the date," he replied.
"What's so special about today?" Bitty asked.
"Today was... It was the day it happened. Before the draft," Jack said quietly.
"Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Do you want to talk about it or be distracted?"
"I want to talk about it. I think I'm ready."
"Of course, sweetheart, whatever you want to say."
"Is it weird that I don't regret it? I used to. I spent so much time after it happened wishing I was strong enough or not stupid enough or something. But I've accepted it at this point. There's nothing I can do to change it, and it got me the help I desperately needed but wasn't willing to admit how badly I needed help. Obviously I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, and I wouldn't want to repeat it, but I've accepted it and the role it had in my life. There's also no way I'll ever romanticize it, but it led me to you. Without it, I wouldn't have gone to Samwell, and we wouldn't have met. It shaped the course of my life and ultimately led me to a better life, and quite frankly a better quality life. I just wish that the memories of it didn't still hurt so many years later."
"I'm glad you're in a much healthier place now," Bitty said, leaning his head on Jack's chest. Jack knew Bitty could hear his heartbeat and his breath.
"So am I."
July 7, 2007
The NHL draft
Jack Zimmermann was nowhere to be seen at the NHL draft, much to the surprise of the entire hockey world. Bob and Alicia Zimmermann used all their power to limit questions and speculations about their son.
Kent Parson got drafted first, the choice obvious since Jack Zimmermann wasn't an option anymore.
The entire hockey world mourned the chance to see what Bad Bob's son could have done in the NHL.
Bob Zimmermann was watching the draft from his house, trying not to cry. His years playing hockey helped but ultimately didn't work.
Alicia Zimmermann was sitting with her son in a hospital room, trying to pretend the draft didn't exist.
Jack Zimmermann was feeling like the biggest disappointment in the world. In an effort to not let down his father, he had instead let down the whole hockey world. He didn't know how he was going to prove to the hockey world that he deserved a second chance. He just knew that he had to.
July 7, 2016
Jack
This was the happiest and most content Jack had ever felt in his life. He finally knew he didn't have anything to prove to anyone. He didn't have to worry what he and Kenny were. Instead, he had the sweetest man in the world in his arms. He had done it. This was the happy ending he was looking for when he was a teenager, and it wasn't even his ending.
It was his beginning.