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Raven walks home to her apartment (her apartment, it’s really hers). She’s buzzing with the emotions of the city around her, caressing her like a warm hug. Her life is so different now, with Trigon gone. She can feel. She can be in love.
It’s so exciting to be in love. She’d thought for so long that love was something she’d never be able to experience, but now, finally, after a lifetime of waiting, she can. How lucky she is, that she found love so fast.
She loves Richard, she’s sure she does. Richard is so capable and strong and safe. Richard could hold her tight during the nights when she’s overwhelmed by nightmares. He’s handsome, too. Raven isn’t exactly sure what makes someone handsome, but plenty of women seem to think so, and they know so much more about love than she does.
She wishes that her mother was here, so she could tell her about all her new feelings. She feels like she needs a mother’s advice, and maybe, now that Trigon is dead, her mother could finally give it to her.
But Mother is gone. Raven doesn’t know where she went, and no matter how much she tries, her empathic senses can’t find her. After Mother found her and returned her to the Titans, she pulled her aside, said goodbye, and gave her a hug. Raven hasn’t seen her since.
She feels strangely abandoned. She knows her mother’s life is hers to live now, just as Raven’s is now her own, but she can’t help but wish her mother’s idea of happiness could include her in it.
As she walks up the stairs to her apartment, she tries to push these thoughts aside. She doesn’t want to be sad; she’s wasted too much of her life in melancholy. She turns her thoughts back to Richard as she unlocks her apartment.
“Hello, Raven.” Raven startles. She’d been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t sensed that Koriand’r was in her apartment.
“Koriand’r? Is something wrong? Am I needed?” No, that’s not right. There’s no urgency in Koriand’r’s aura, just a quiet calm. “No… I am not, am I?”
Koriand’r just regards her with her all green eyes. Could she be angry that her ex-lover had moved on so fast to be in love with her? Raven may be new to relationships, but she’s read many romantic novels where such strife befalls the protagonist. “You are angry with me for being in love with Richard, are you not? I am so sorry, Koriand’r… I did not mean to hurt you, but he loves me, and I love him.” Raven pauses a moment, seeing past her panic and sensing Koriand’r’s true emotions. “No… I do not sense anger. I am so glad--I consider you my friend. I would never intend to--”
“Raven, we have to talk.” Koriand’r cuts her off. “Can we? Please?”
“It is about Richard, is it not?”
“Not specifically. Raven, I’d like to go somewhere else to talk. Someplace warm, will you…?”
Raven clasps Koriand’r’s hand in hers, comforted by the warmth of her friend pressed against her. She’s not angry, but something in Raven’s stomach still feels full of anxiety. “If it will do us good, of course. But I do not see how--”
“Please, Raven, just hear me out.”
“Very well. Come.” She and Koriand’r both shift into nothingness, through the space between dimensions. Raven allows Koriand’r to guide her, letting the destination come from her friend’s soul.
They arrive at a warm beach. It’s utterly serene, with seemingly no one around for miles. “Where are we?” Raven asks, as they begin to walk along the beach.
“Tahiti. It reminds me of home. It’s so beautiful. The sun… is so strong here. The sun gives me my powers, you know. It feeds me. Enriches me.” Koriand’r takes a deep breath. Raven senses a slight spike of anxiety. “Raven, do you love me?”
Raven stops walking, taken aback. Of course she loves Koriand’r… anyone who met her would. Loving Koriand’r is as natural as breathing. She’s so sunny and warm to be around that she makes something in Raven’s soul feel less cold.
“Of course I do.” She means it, she really does when she says it. She can mean it now, she remembers, and for a moment the euphoria of love makes her forget her apprehensions on why Koriand’r brought her here.
“Do you love Gar? And Donna? And Vic?”
“W-why do you ask?” The warmth in Raven’s chest is replaced by a gnawing in her stomach.
“You know they love you. And you know I love you.” Koriand’r says gently.
“I do not understand…” Unless, she could not possibly mean-- “Or perhaps I do, but I do not like what you are intimating. Richard loves me.”
“He does… I know he does. But he loves you the way you love me.”
That is not true, Raven wants to say. Richard does not fill me with light the way you do. But that’s different, isn’t it? She just loves Koriand’r like a sister, doesn’t she?
“Raven, you haven’t had emotions long enough to recognize the different ways one loves another. Dick loves you, Raven, but he’s not in love with you. And, in truth, I don’t think you’re in love with him.”
Raven mulls her words over in her head, frowning slightly. It’s true that feeling her own love is new, but she’s been surrounded by emotions her whole life. She’d felt Father’s love for her, pounding in her chest, screaming in her ears, no matter how much she tried to block it out. She’d felt Mother’s love, quiet and tainted by sadness, but undeniably there and so real she could almost touch it. She’d felt Azar’s love, always guarded, but strong enough that it sometimes slipped through the cracks of her facade. When she’s with her friends, she can close her eyes and let the love wash over her, unbound from fears about her destiny.
So she knows when love is real--of course she does, she’s an empath, for Azar’s sake. Koriand’r just must still be bitter about her breakup with Richard. That must be it, isn’t it?
“You are wrong. I am in love with him.” Tears begin to well in her eyes. Almost angrily, she wipes them away. She is in love with him, so why is she crying?
“Raven, feel my emotions.” Koriand’r says softly, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Tell me if I’m lying. You know me, Raven. You know my people live by their emotions. Please… let me help you understand yours.”
“But…” She feels like she’s floundering, trying to hold onto the love she was so sure of just minutes ago. “He kissed me. Richard kissed me.”
“You wanted him to, Raven. Your powers can make people feel things.”
Raven’s heart pounds in her chest as a horrible sickness fills her stomach. She turns away from Koriand’r, not wanting her to see the tears beginning to spill down her face.“I would not do that to Richard. I swear.”
“Not consciously. But you have so many new emotions. Each feeling is so new to you… so different from anything you’ve ever experienced before.”
Raven can’t breathe. Her tears sting her eyes as she begins to run in a blind panic, unable to face Koriand’r. She… she’d taken advantage of Richard. Even with Father dead, his corruption hasn’t been purged from her. “Azar… Azar help me… I made Richard love me. He did not want to and I made him do it…” She doesn’t deserve emotions if she acts like this. Azar was right, she must never, never feel emotions for the good of the world.
“Raven…” she hears Koriand’r call after her, before she flies over, blocking her path. “You didn’t mean to do it. It just happened. And Dick understands.”
“He must hate me now. He must think I’m just like--”
“Raven!” Koriand’r cuts her off. “Dick loves you. Not the way you want him to, but he loves you. He doesn’t hate you, I promise.”
Raven lets out a deep breath, turning away from Koriand’r again as tears roll down her face. Koriand’r is smart, and she’s good with emotions. If she says Richard won’t hate her, she must be right. “Koriand’r…”
“Mm?” Koriand’r’s presence feels so warm, so solid and real. She turns back to face her once more, reassured by her smile.
“I have never been able to ask anyone for help before. But please… please help me.”
Koriand’r wraps an arm around her, hugging her close. “Oh, X’Hal… I think we’re really going to be friends now, Raven.”
Raven leans into the embrace, resting her head in Koriand’r’s curls. “I… I want that, Koriand’r… more than I can say.”
♡
Tahiti is beautiful, Raven can’t help but think as she and Koriand’r walk along the beach. They had stopped at a shop to buy swimsuits for both of them. It’s the first time she’s ever worn one. It feels strange. She’s glad the beach they’re walking on is deserted, because she feels oddly exposed.
“Oh, Raven, look!” Koriand’r eagerly points to a stretch of sea. “Doesn’t that look perfect for swimming?”
“Does it?”
“Yeah! C’mon, let’s go!” She grabs Raven by the hand and begins to run over to the water.
“W-wait!” Raven digs her heels into the sand, making Koriand’r stop in her tracks. “I… I do not know how to swim.”
“Oh… that’s right, you fell into water a few weeks ago, didn’t you?” Koriand’r bites her lip, thinking. “I should teach you how to swim! You’ll be better prepared if anything like that happens to you again.”
“You do not have to. I do not want to be a bother--”
Koriand’r laughs. “How could you be a bother? We’re on vacation together. We should be doing things together.”
“Well… alright, then.” She allows Koriand’r to lead her to the water without any further complaints.
She cautiously walks into the surf, feeling the waves lap against her ankles as her feet sink into the sand. It feels strange, but not bad. A large wave crashes against her, coming up to her knees. How can she possibly swim in this?
“We need to get out deeper to be able to swim.” Koriand’r says, as if she’d read her thoughts. “It won’t be as choppy once we’re at swimming depth. And I’ll be right next to you, I promise.”
“Alright…” Koriand’r grabs her hand and leads her deeper into the water. She stops when the water is about chest level. Raven shivers slightly. With the heat of the day, she hadn’t expected the ocean to be this cold.
“Swimming isn’t very hard.” Koriand’r leans back, becoming weightless in the water. “Your body naturally wants to float. Try it.”
Raven isn’t so convinced. Of course Koriand’r’s body would want to float, but hers? She’s not so sure.
Sensing her apprehension, Koriand’r gets back on her feet. “I’ll hold you, okay? If you start to sink, I’ll catch you right away.”
“A-alright…” Consciously, Raven knows that she’s safe. The water is shallow enough to stand in, Koriand’r is right there, and besides, if she got into trouble, she could simply dimension shift out of it. Still, the thinking doesn’t comfort her pounding heart. “Uh… how exactly do I…?”
“Lean back, and spread your arms and legs. Keep your face straight, staring right up at the sky. And arch your back slightly.”
Keeping all of Koriand’r’s advice in the forefront of her mind, Raven leans back, letting her shoulders fall into Koriand’r’s arms. Her legs rise up in the water. She’s floating, she realizes. She can feel her center of balance, keeping her from sinking. She smiles slightly. Koriand’r was right, after all.
After several moments of floating, Raven stands back up. Koriand’r’s hands don’t leave her shoulders. “See, that wasn’t too bad, was it?”
“No.”
“Now, to swim, you’ll have to learn to float on your front, too…” Raven listens to Koriand’r’s explanations with rapt attention, much less afraid of the water than she’d been a few minutes ago.
♡
After their swim, Raven and Koriand’r lay on the sand next to each other, looking up at the darkening sky. Even after being on Earth for over two years, sunsets still amaze Raven. The beautiful colors are nothing like Azarath’s eternally pitch black sky.
“Are there sunsets on Tamaran?” Raven asks absentmindedly, turning her head to look at Koriand’r.
“Yes, but they aren’t as vibrant as the ones on Earth,” Koriand’r replies, her green eyes not leaving the sky, “since Tamaran’s sky is always orange, the change isn’t as dramatic.”
“I see.” Raven pauses for a moment, turning back to the sky. “Do you miss the orange skies?”
“I don’t know.” Koriand’r sighs. Her aura is tinged with sadness, but it’s different from the usual sadness that Raven senses when she gets homesick. “If you’d asked me that a few months ago, I would have said yes right away, but now… I don’t know. Earth is my home now, for better or for worse.”
“I understand.” For once, Raven truly does understand her friend’s emotions. “I miss Azarath--I most likely always will--but I think I like Earth better now.”
Koriand’r shifts in the sand, pressing her side against Raven. Raven leans her head against Koriand’r’s soft curls. “We’re not so different after all, are we? We’re both from another world we can’t go home too… and we’ve both found such wonderful lives here on Earth.”
“Yes… we are so very much alike.” Koriand’r’s fingers lace with hers. Raven doesn’t pull away, even though part of her wants to. Her stomach feels full of butterflies for a reason she can’t quite figure out.
“I… I really like you, Raven. I’m glad you came back to us.”
“I like you too, Koriand’r.” Something is wrong. She feels the way she did with Richard earlier, but stronger, so much more pronounced. But she can’t be in love with Koriand’r, that would be absurd. Wouldn’t it?
“Raven…” She turns to face Koriand’r, to find her friend’s eyes glued to her face. “I… do you think maybe Dick wasn’t the one who you were in love with?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean… I like you a lot. And I think you might like me too.”
“Oh. I understand.” Raven says calmly. Azar would be quite proud if she could see her emotional control, because inside she feels like she’s going to explode.
“So… how do you feel?”
Raven looks away, back at the sky. “How can I know I am not accidentally using my powers on you as well? It would be irresponsible of me to allow any relationships under such conditions.”
Koriand’r gently cups her face, guiding her so she’s looking at her eyes again. “Because I’ve loved you since before you came back to us, Raven.”
Her first instinct is to say that must be a lie, no one could have loved her then, but she can sense Koriand’r’s honesty as easily as she can feel the evening breeze on her face. “I… suppose that does change matters, then.”
“So, Raven?”
“I… I think I might love you too.”
“X’Hal…” Koriand’r smiles. “That’s wonderful.”
Raven rests her head against Koriand’r’s chest, soothed by the sound of her beating heart.
♡
A few days later, they’re exploring a stretch of forest. Raven knows they’ll have to go back home soon. She’s dreading the end to this dream. She doesn’t think she’s ever felt so free as she’s feeling now, exploring Tahiti with Koriand’r.
Koriand’r cocks her head, listening to a bird call. “I wonder what kind of bird is singing.”
“I do not know.” Raven sighs. “We only had doves on Azarath.”
“We have all kinds of creatures on Tamaran,” Koriand’r’s face lights up, the way it often does when she speaks of home. “Birds, of course, but far more creatures can fly on Tamaran than on Earth. A great many of what you would call mammals can fly as well.”
“It sounds freeing.” Raven smiles slightly as she watches her (girl?)friend talk.
“And our flying machines are nothing like the ones on Earth, spewing pollution into the air. Earth engineers know nothing of efficiency…” Koriand’r breaks off, looking a bit sheepish. “Oh, but that’s a complaint for another day.”
Raven runs a finger against a tree, feeling the rough bark under her fingers. There’s something lovely about simply being out in nature. Trigon would have had this all destroyed. She can’t help but think with a pang in her heart. She will never understand how someone could put their own selfish wants ahead of such serenity.
Koriand’r interrupts her thoughts with a shout. “Oh, Raven, look! A waterfall!”
She turns to peek through the trees with Koriand’r. Sure enough, there it is, with the water looking crystal clear and inviting. She turns to Koriand’r to ask if perhaps they should return to their camp and get their swimsuits, only to find that she’s already stripped and is heading to the water.
Raven feels her face go scarlet. She quickly looks away, not wanting to offend Koriand’r by staring. She hears a splash that must be her jumping into the water.
“Come into the water, Raven!” She is calling out to me, so it must be alright to look, right? Koriand’r is floating in the stream below the waterfall, her curls drooping from the weight of the water glistening in her hair. “It’s so nice and cool!”
“I…” Raven walks up to the riverbed, carefully looking at her feet and not Koriand'r. “I do not have anything to wear…”
“It’s okay, it’s just the two of us.”
Raven doesn’t know what to say. Two is still too many for her to feel comfortable. Azar, she’s hardly comfortable with her own body all by herself.
“Are you okay?” Raven carefully looks down at Koriand’r’s eyes (her eyes, it’s okay to look at her eyes, she’s not doing anything wrong by doing that).
“I am fine.” An automatic response, the only one she has been taught to give.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Koriand’r hoists herself out of the water. Raven quickly looks away, her heart pounding. “Is it me?”
“I do not wish to objectify you.” Raven says very fast. “It would be wrong of me.”
Koriand’r laughs. “You’re not objectifying me.”
Again, she doesn’t know what to say. Azar, she never knows what to say, does she? I am ruined and you are not. I do not deserve to look at you.
“What’s wrong?” Koriand’r’s voice is soft now.
“I…” You asked Koriand’r to help you, did you not? Be true to your word. “How does one… does one feel comfortable in their own skin?”
She hears Koriand’r exhale. “Is this what this is about?”
“I suppose so.” Raven says quietly.
“I’ll get dressed--”
“No,” Raven says quickly. “Do not feel like you must for my sake. I will go--”
Koriand’r sighs again. “I’ll get dressed and we’ll dip our feet in the water, okay?”
“If that is what you wish…”
She hears the rustling of Koriand’r getting dressed, then her saying “You can look now.” Raven glances over to see Koriand’r fully dressed in her beach clothes once again, her hair still wet from the waterfall. Azar, she’s stunning.
Raven takes off her shoes and sits at the riverbed, dipping her feet in the water. Koriand’r sits beside her. “What’s wrong, exactly?”
Raven’s first instinct is to say that she doesn’t know, but that’s both unhelpful and not entirely true. “I… I feel…” Azar, it’s strange to start a sentence like that. “I feel… wrong in my body. Like it is not entirely my own.”
“That’s understandable, with all you’ve been through.” Koriand’r leans back on her hands, looking up at the sky. “I feel like that too, sometimes. But… I don’t know, I just don’t want to feel that way, you know? We’re not taught to fear ourselves or our bodies on Tamaran, so I guess that helps. But also… I don’t know, I just always thought to myself that I couldn’t give into the feelings of hating my body, because that would be like letting the slavers win. I don’t want to waste my life wallowing in what happened. I want to live.”
“That makes sense.” Raven looks down at her hands. Her rings shine in the sunlight. “I should not have said anything. You have faced so much more than I have--”
“Hey, hey! It’s not a contest. We’ve both been dealt bad cards, but we’re both moving past it. Earth is a fresh start, you know?”
Raven smiles slightly despite herself. “I suppose it is.”
“Raven, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Why were you so apprehensive about seeing me naked? Is it because of Azarathian norms or something?” There’s no judgment in Koriand’r’s voice, but Raven still worries she might have offended her.
“It… in a way, I suppose. I…” There’s a horrible pressure on her chest, trying to block out her words. She wants to vanish, but just barely manages to continue. “You know of my father and my mother. I just…” her throat is closing up, but she just manages to choke out, “I cannot be like him.”
“Oh, Raven.” Koriand’r wraps her arms around her. Usually, being touched without warning makes her feel jumpy, but something about Koriand’r’s tight embrace makes it easier to breathe. “Trigon is gone. You got rid of him--and I promise you, you’re nothing like him.”
“I could be--”
“Shh, no, you can’t.” Koriand’r rubs her back with slow, comforting circles. “Even when he had control over you, you were still never as bad as him. And he’s gone now. He’s not part of you anymore.”
“I am sorry. I will not be able to be your lover like Richard was--”
“It’s okay, Raven, I promise. We can take it slow.”
“Very well.” She rests her head under Koriand’r’s chin, sinking further into her embrace. She smells like a warm summer day. It’s very soothing.
Koriand’r begins humming a song Raven doesn’t recognize. It could be a Tamaranian song or an Earth pop song, but either way, it lulls her further into calmness.
♡
After being away for a week, they decide that it’s time to return home. Raven’s sad to leave Tahiti, but at the same time, she misses the rest of her friends. It’s time to get back to life as usual. At least she’ll still have Koriand’r at her side.
She feels much more sure in herself after the week they’d spent together. Her problems are far from solved, but she’s trying to find Koriand’r’s confidence in herself.
It feels really good to love and be loved--for real this time. It’s so different from her puppy love with Richard; so much stronger and without doubt.
Back at the tower, Raven finds Richard in one of the common areas. “Can we speak for a minute?”
“I never thought you’d be the one asking me that.” Richard grins. Raven smiles sheepishly, then goes back to being serious.
“I owe you an apology, Richard.” She had rehearsed her apology many times in her head while she was in Tahiti, but it still feels hard to get out. “I am truly sorry for the way I behaved over the last few weeks. Even unknowingly, I should not have forced my love on you in that way.”
Richard holds up his hands. “It’s okay, I forgive you. Each of us has been an ass when it comes to love. At least you’re not as bad as Gar before Kory knocked some sense into him.”
Raven smiles slightly, then turns to walk away. “Hey-- wait!” Richard calls after her.
She turns back. “Hm?”
“Kory told me about what happened while you were away together. It was kind of hard to hear, but… I’m happy for you. Treat her better than I did, okay?”
Raven smiles again. “I shall do my best.”
As she leaves to walk back to her apartment, she feels an inner peace stronger than she ever has before in her entire life.