Chapter Text
Chris has never really considered himself a romantic. Sure, he'd seen plenty of movies growing up and sure, he was a perfectly healthy (for the most part) adult by now. He'd preface 'adult' with 'young', but the kids have made sure to repeatedly let him know that he was, for a fact, no longer allowed that title. All in the spirit of humor, of course, but Chris couldn't help but find some truth in just how much of an old man he could be about some things. 'Out of touch' wasn't the exact phrase for it, but being born, pretty much at the start of Gen Z, had it's downsides.
He'd also seen plenty of couples get together and break up over the years. Be they friends back home or fellow trainees, that came and went quicker than he had time to truly get invested. Here one month, one week, gone the next. God, that sounded terrible, but as much of a bleeding heart as he, unfortunately, was - trainee life took it's toll on you, whether you liked it or not.
Getting too attached to people lead to far too many nights, where he would collapse into bed, not from physical, but emotional exhaustion, as another friend had failed their monthly examination. There were only so many comforting words he could muster up, while watching as his roommates would drag their belongings out of the dorm, heads hung low, eyes still red from dehydration.
He, himself, has had his fair share of crushes, some requited, plenty unrequited, attraction wasn't something unknown to him, attachment, funnily enough just the same. Not to mention the endless supply of music on his playlists that tackled the subject of love in one way or another.
But romance? No, he isn't the type. Not for lack of wanting or interest, he just never really had the time. Never really connected with anyone to the point of wanting to drop everything and run away together into the sunset like he'd expected he would. Never caught himself after a long night at the studio or a car ride from one tiring schedule to another, just spacing out and pining for someone. For their laugh, their smile, their personality, their body or just, you know, them in general.
He just kind of thought of them for a bit, smiled and went about his day. He was busy, he had to focus. He wasn't here for a romantic comedy, he was here to make his dream come true. Write, sing, rap, dance, produce, sleep, smile, learn, repeat. 'Chan - ah, straighten up!'. Alright then - write, sing, rap, dance, produce, sleep, smile, learn, straighten up, repeat. Hopefully, debut and hopefully, make history. Then they could make a movie about him.
Frankly speaking, they were all like that, to some extent. The whole group was comprised of driven, bullheaded workaholics with chips on their shoulders, for the first two years. Chris loved them for it. They all performed like they had something to prove and until they and the company felt like they did, there was no time for anything else. Sleep could wait, food could wait, relationships and distractions could also wait.
Some broke down more often than others. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Chris could remember plenty of nights when one or more of them would be curled up, sniffling or straight up sobbing into the nearest surface, after a long week of no breaks, barely a proper meal and practically no sleep. He was no exception. They knew what they'd gotten themselves into, thus none of them complained. It was the job, it was tough and nail bitingly frustrating at times, but they loved what they did.
He's been zoning out, wallowing in this train of thought for the past few minutes, when he feels a familiar crink in his neck from slouching over his, now sleeping, phone. The waiting room is packed with stylists, their managers, staff and most of the members. They have a good 20 minutes before they had to get on stage and with all of their makeup and hair mostly done, there's nothing to do but wait.
The whole vibe was relaxed today. Comeback week had gone as well as it could, all things considered. Everyone had settled into doing the Maniac choreography with the last minute formation changes. The kids seemed like they were genuinely well adjusted to idol life by now. Turmoil and all.
Well, mostly everyone. Felix has been visibly antsy since they started doing regular TV performances again, Chris definitely understood where the anxiety was coming from. Jisung and Jeongin were just as nervous to be back, singing in front of an actual audience, but Felix's situation was a whole other can of worms.
Despite the pressure they all felt, Felix had been amongst the most excited members to be performing on a proper stage again. Still just as determined to prove himself useful, as he was when he was a trainee. Chris could swear up and down that he could count all of the stars in the younger's eyes when they were given the green light to perform in front of actual fans again, not just the obligatory camera crew and staff. But as his back situation worsened, it had become clear that the younger would have to sit out most of the choreography. This included the first few upcoming tour dates. Finally, a concert. Finally a real audience. So many new fans, who were going to see them in their element for the first time and Felix will have to stand off to the side for most of it. Chris had felt terrible for him. He could only imagine what it would be like to be in Felix's shoes right now and he would have probably gone insane. All things considered, Felix was handling it like a champ, but there was a distinct lack of sunshine in the room lately. Maybe it was because they were all so used to Felix's constant bubbly energy, that the lack of it was definitely being felt throughout the team.
The younger obviously has to be careful, Chris knows that. Felix himself, knew it. The entire group, knew it and are being very supportive and understanding about it. It didn't make Felix feel any better, though. That was obvious, too.
Chris, for his part, had tried to be as nonchalant about it, as he could. He knew, that Felix tended to get intense when it came to feelings of any sort, negative ones were no exception. Thus, he had decided that consoling the younger by making the situation not seem like the end of the world, may be the best course of action. He had let out a sigh of relief when Felix's shoulders had visibly relaxed after two hours of talking and playing Mario Kart together. The enthusiasm, slowly returning to the younger's face as Chris had thrown his hands up in simulated agony, after Felix had wiped the floor with him for the third time in a row that night.
He wasn't competitive when it came to gaming, he did it for fun. But watching how excited Felix got when he played with someone just as invested as him, always stirred something warm in Chris' chest. He could play along, if for nothing else, than to hear all of the excited gremlin noises the younger made in the midst of his win streak.
He couldn't help smiling, as he recalled Felix scrunching up his nose cutely, as he gloated in victory. He remembers vaguely thinking that happiness looks good on the younger, it did on all of the kids, but there was something about the way Felix's face would absolutely light up when he was happy, that was easily contagious. His resting face could he quite serious, despite the delicate features, so the switch from that to Felix's 24 carat smile always left Chris a little winded. Like he'd been jogging one way and had to switch directions in a split second, all of a sudden. He'd gotten used to the whiplash a long time ago, but it never really went away.
He glances over to the other side of the room, to where Felix is currently draped over Hyunjin, back pressed to Hyunjin's front as the taller has his arms securely wrapped around Felix' waist, chin hooked comfortably over the blond's leather clad shoulder. Both of their eyes fixed on Felix's phone when suddenly they burst out laughing. Ah, there it is.
Boisterous, is the word Chris would use to describe Felix's laugh, if you put him on the spot. Loud, full-bodied and bright, despite the low timbre of his voice. Chris could spend all day listening to the kids laugh and be loud, especially since the dorm split.
Sure, Changbin and Jisung were loud enough to make up for the rest of the group, but there was something comforting about having all of them in a room together. It always makes him feel like he's listening to a completed track, in a way. It could also be the fact that he can finally enjoy some blessed silence in the confines of his own room, with his own space and bed. Not the squeaking bunk in the old building, though Chris had to admit it had it's charm, for a while, shitty make-shift black out curtains and all.
He's brought out of his revalry by Minho, currently in the process of laying his entire upper body weight on his lap, looking up at him like he knows something Chris doesn't. So, nothing new.
"What?" He gives the younger a weary smile.
"Nothing." Minho sighs, clearly amused. "I already tried laughing at you for being so obvious, but you were too busy to notice." His eyebrow shoots up and he snorts at Chris's confused expression.
His head turns in the direction of the younger members and Chris follows his gaze, where it lands on Felix and Hyunjin again, both wheezing at something, apparently hilarious that Sungmin, who had been sitting off to the side, just said. He looked quite proud of himself and judging by the two dancers' reaction, deservedly so. Chris couldn't help the little chuckle by proxy that escapes his throat, looking at his members.
"Sorry, I don't follow." He looks back down and Minho opens his mouth, about to say something. Peach lip tint looks good on him, Chris decides absent-mindedly, when another bout of laughter draws both of their eyes back to the kids. It, followed shortly after by Hyunjin loudly proclaiming through cackles, that his eyes were watering and the makeup noona was going to kill him. Which, in turn was apparently funny enough to draw another burst of laughter from Felix. Lighter this time, more giggly. Chris doesn't fight it when his ears hone in on the sound. Felix's voice when he doesn't have to drop it into the pits of Hell always sounds like home to him, not just because of the accent they both share.
It doesn't remind him of Australia, per se, it's just familiar. Comforting, he supposes. Before his thoughts can wonder off into nostalgic and borderline cheesy territory, he sees Hyunjin tackling Felix from across the room. Chris loses sight of his fingers as they disappear under Felix's jacket, clearly aiming for his ribs. His revenge for Felix's lack of sympathy for his predicament is swift and ruthless, as the the younger nearly wailes in his hold, bracketing his forarms and trying to get away, unsuccessfully.
Hyunjin may be lanky, but he's strong and focusing that strength on anyone who isn't prepared for it, always spells disaster for the other person. Felix was no slouch either, mind you. He may be on the smaller side of the group's spectrum, but where he lacks in pure physical strength, he makes up for in agility and stamina. On any other day, he may have been able to squirm out of Hyunjin's grip, but considering his situation, Chris can tell even from this distance, that the younger isn't flailing too much as to not strain his back. Hyunjin for his part, clearly isn't trying that hard to hold him down either.
The entire group is in on the scene at this point. Take entertainment where you can get it in plain white waiting rooms, Chris supposes. Shouts of "Kick him in the shin, Yongbokkie!" and "Go for his armpits, Hyunjin-ah!" fill the room and as much as it reminds Chris of having everyone together at the old dorm, they have a performance to do. If this goes on any longer, they are about to be down two members for full touch-ups before the stage. Potentially three, as it looks like poor Sungmin had been unable to leave the couch quickly enough and was now stuck between the wall and 2/3 of danceracha, about to be elbowed in the face by a Felix in fight or flight mode.
Chris is about to call it, when all of a sudden, Felix lets out a noise that has the words dying in his throat. It wasn't filled with pain or discomfort, like his mind had initially jumped to. No, it's a slightly hysterical, broken little growl of defeat, muffled where his face had turned to press into the backrest of the couch, there goes the makeup, and even through the commotion of the waiting room, Chris can feel it like a punch to the gut. He felt his brain malfunction for half a second. Hand frozen where it had been petting gently through Minho's hair, doing his best to not undo the stylist's meticulous work.
Goosebumps run up his arms and neck and for a brief moment, it felt like his whole body had rebooted to general settings. As soon as the moment passes, it settles into a squirmy kind of fluttering in his stomach. What the fuck was that?
He lookes down again, when he feels more than hears, Minho trying to contain his laughter, clearly having a blast at Chris's mini panic attack. He probably lookes like a deer caught in head lights, right now. He definitely feels like one.
"What?" He askes, feeling a little dumb and lost. "What were you gonna say?" There is somewhat of a picture starting to form in his mind, of what Minho had been implying, but something tells him that he really shouldn't be pushing to clear it up. That little sound couldn't have been the reason. Felix was loud and rumbly on a good day, has a wonderfully calming voice on a bad day and an even better one when he was talking about everything and nothing, face buried in Chris's extra pillow, laying beside the older when they just hung out in his room, homesick enough to need a long conversation in plain, boring old English.
Someone must have opened a door behind him. Yeah, yeah! That's it! There was probably a breeze in here - but then Felix does it again as Hyunjin has apparently followed Jisung's advise and goes for the younger's armpits and Chris's heart drops to the pit of his stomach. Some mixture of curiosity, pure terror... and fascination? - he doesn't dare put any other word he knows to it - blooms in his gut. Because that was a good sound. A very good sound and he wants to hear it again, immediately. Record it and put it in a song, have it on repeat in his headset, as he mixed it into the track. Right in his ears, as if Felix had just made it, right next to him. The thought makes the goosebumps even worse. Someone should really close that door. Normally he'd be the one to stand up and do it, but he doesn't want to find out if it was actually open or not, or if there really is another door to this waiting room. Probably was.
He stands stock still, as he tries to process, whatever the Hell this is as quickly as possible. Minho, now next to him, had also gone still. Chris can't tell if he was still laughing but now feels eyes on the side of his head.
"I was going to say-" the younger starts, absently playing with the cuffs of his shirt, one long leg crossed over the other, looking like the cat that got the milk (Chris could see the humor in that comparison). Probably confirmed whatever little theory he had when he had draped himself over Chris's thighs, which is great for him, but Chris didn't appreciate feeling like he was the milk in this equation.
Minho continues, as if Chris isn't having a full blown moment, next to him. "That if you're not careful, you're little ''whipped leader'' shtick is going to start wearing out soon." For all of the mirth in Minho's voice, his eyes betray no malice. If anything, the look he's giving the older is purely sympathetic. The next part is said low enough that anyone around them would really need to strain to hear. "Then, how are you going to explain away all of that love for Yongbokkie?"
"Ah, that!" Chris tries for casual, but even to his ears, his laugh sounds nervous. "Well, I can't be held accountable for that." He says easily, hoping that not elaborating or defending himself will make it sound like less of a big deal and Minho will drop it. His 'whipped leader' shtick wasn't something he was being made aware of for the first time. He was well known for how much he gushes over his members on social media, leanes into it even. It made the fans happy, makes him happy to let out all of the pent up appreciation he has for the rest of the guys and even though they complain, he knows it gets acknowledged and appreciated on their end aswell. He'd talk pretty much anyone's ear off about how great his team is. And yeah, okay, maybe he was just a little extra smitten with Felix, but who could blame him?
The younger is talented, bright, driven and good looking and funny and a whole lot of other positive things that Chris will happily list off the top of his head. Felix is just... great! What was wrong with openly liking that about him.
"You can't be held accountable?" Minho hums. "I'll be sure to let the company know that, the next time one of us does something stupid on camera."
"Are you planning on doing anything stupid on camera, Lee Know-ssi?" Chris snorts and it's all in good fun. The lightheadedness from his initial crisis, slightly subsiding as he settles back in his seat a little.
"Me? Never!" Comes the mock outraged response and Chris laughes, a little easier this time.
Talking with Minho was just as much of a trip as it was looking in Felix's general direction for too long. Their second eldest has this unnerving way of getting you to relax and spill your guts, before you can even process that you were doing it. Minho probably has dirt on all of them, that he, most likely, hadn't even been trying to get. Chris distinctly remembers one particular evening that had started with an argument between Minho and Jisung over propriety and somehow spiraled into all of them now knowing that Jisung had a thing for hands. Nothing to do with the argument, whatsoever, the conversation had simply shifted in another direction after things were settled. They'd all been huddled around a quickly cooling pot of kimchi jiggae with a blushing Jisung trying to hide his face in Hyunjin's hoodie, the older of the two patting his back in a supportive, if somewhat awkward, manner. No one knew how they had gotten there, but Minho had looked very pleased with himself.
That was also the night Chris found out that Felix also had a thing for hands, apparently.
"Having nice hands is sexy." The younger had said none-commitally, clearly trying to make Jisung feel a bit more comfortable. Chris had smiled at him, thankful that Felix was being so considerate of Jisung's situation.
"Girls, generally, tend to have nice hands, though." Minho laughed, stirring the pot both literally and figuratively. "How is that specific enough to be a thing?"
"Nah, nice hands are hot hyung, regardless of what gender they're attached to." Felix had insisted and he and Minho shared a look, which Chris may have perceived as knowing, if he hadn't been too busy wondering what had lead Felix to the realization that all 'nice' hands were sexy, regardless of gender. He'd have to bench that line of questioning for another time. If their sunshine had something he wanted to share, Chris would make absolutely sure that he will be as comfortable as possible when or if he decided to do so.
"What's so hot about hands anyway? I mean, I kind of get it, but they're just... hands, ya know?" Changbin pipes up over his glass of water, sounding a little bewildered.
Jisung, who had at this point come out of his hiding spot in Hyunjin's stomach, laughed, still a little uncomfortable at essentially having somewhat of a kink aired out. Cheeks still bright pink.
"Don't question it. It is what it is, people are into all kinds of things." Chris supplied, not too helpfully. He had almost added 'weird' to the that sentence but stopped himself before he accidentally made Jisung, and apparently Felix, feel like it was an odd thing to be into. It wasn't, Chris had heard of and seen plenty worse in his time, whether it be out of morbid curiosity or through over-sharing friends. The internet used to be the wild west.
"Thank you, hyung!" Jisung exclaimed and Chris felt a little warm and fuzzy at that. He had made it very clear early on, that he wasn't really big on honorifics, but the kids used them in private, only when they were actually serious about something. As bare-bones of a defense as it was, Jisung seemed to have appreciated it, nonetheless. Chris looked in Felix's direction, only to see the younger smiling sweetly at him. Maybe it was their shitty kitchen light, but he could swear that the other's complection was slightly closer to Jisung's now and Chris suddenly felt like all was right with the world.
"Are my hands sexy, hyung?" His attention turned to Changbin who was dutifully showing his palms to Minho, who had, by now, settled beside him. The scene almost looked cute, if it weren't for the topic at hand and the fact that Changbin had been gaining quite a bit of muscle mass lately.
"Wouldn't know. I'm not the one with the hand fetish." Simple, deadpan Minho. And just like that any leftover tension in the room had disappeared and it was business as usual. Even Jeongin who had looked a little put off by the conversation was laughing at Changbin's crestfallen expression, the older of the two had really expected an answer.
"Yes, hyung. You're hands are pretty sexy." Felix chimed in as easy-going as ever and that seemed to placate Changbin for the rest of the night, wrapping his arms around Felix, who had happily folded himself into the older's side. With the whole hand thing settled, they had piled out of the kitchen and into their respective rooms to wait their turns for the shower.
Chris however, was left with somewhat of a bitter taste in his mouth after that particular comment. He'd figured it was because he couldn't put himself in Felix's or Jisung's position and thus could neither answer Changbin's question, were it to be directed at him for some reason, nore could he have thought of asking it in the first place. He didn't think he had a thing for hands, never occurred to him, really. Were his hands sexy? Probably not. His fingers were rough and kind of crooked, in his opinion. Lifting weights hadn't really done them any favors and his nails - maybe it was about time he started getting into nail art, they were short and bitten, he couldn't really remember where he'd picked up the habit, but now that he'd taken a good look at them, it needed to go. Paniel had been talking about a new place he'd been going to recently. Maybe that would help.
Yeah, that was it. He just wasn't pleased with the state of his own hands and that wasn't okay for an idol. He'd book an appointment soon-ish.
Chris would later swear on his life that he was doing it for his image when Minho spotted him in the company lounge, looking through nail art on Pinterest. The dancer had just given him a knowing look that had somewhat made his skin crawl, before patting him on the back and walking away.
In hindsight, he probably should have known better. Minho is really good at noticing things about the people he's close to. Sometimes, before they've even had a chance to figure it out on their own.
The picture in his head was getting a bit clearer but he can't quite make it out yet. More so, he feels like he shouldn't. Not just yet.
"Alright, break it up!" Minho yells, loud enough to startle Chris back to reality, in the direction of the pair on the couch.
Chris's attention turns back to them as Hyunjin releases Felix, raising his hands high and stepping back. He's still giggling at the younger, who is halfway through promising away his PC in exchange for mercy. It would have been funny, it is funny to watch Felix sit up looking like he'd just ran a marathon, breathing heavily and giving a thousand yard stare in no particular direction. Chris would have laughed, if the younger's eyes didn't end up refocusing in their general direction, finally landing on Minho, then him.
Suddenly, the picture cleares up a little more and the panic that had settled down in Chris's stomach flares up again, this time stronger. Because Felix looks, really, really pretty. Hair slightly messy, eyes bright, lips parted and breath uneven. The flush on his neck, not quite reaching his face because of all of the product on it, but Chris knows it's there and suddenly, he really wants to see how it will look on Felix's bare face, freckles and all.
Before he can spiral into a full blown identity crisis, there are makeup noonas bustling around them, touching up anything and anyone that didn't look 100% camera ready. Hyunjin and Felix getting themselves a couple of stern looks, as the makeup artist gives each a once over before begrudgingly powdering the blond's cheekbone, where it had been pressed into the couch. Chris has never been more thankful for a distraction as they're all quickly fixed up and ushered out to stage 3.
The brief eye contact with Felix almost seeming like Chris had imagined it, because - well, because if he thinks about it hard enough, the younger really would have looked like something right out of his dreams. Not that he has ever dreamed of Felix in any other context than platonic, he's pretty sure of that. But his already frazzled brain is doing him no favors by unhelpfully adding that missing pink tint to the younger's cheeks in post, accentuating the scattered freckles underneath all of the primer and foundation. Oh God, this is bad. He really needs to stop thinking.
He'll have plenty of time to unpack all of this later, alone in the studio. Probably lose whatever sleep he already wasn't getting over it for the next month or so and life will go on, simple as that. For now, they have a performance to do, he reminds himself again. It also doesn't help that on his way out of the waiting room, he can't help but glance over to the couch. His throat feels a little dry when his eyes land on the almost unnoticable smear of makeup on the backrest.
He forces his gaze forward and follows after the guys, quickly passing Minho and Jisung and falling in stride with Changbin, who had mostly napped through the entire debacle. The heavy arm that drapes over his shoulders, as they walk, is surprisingly grounding.
Right before they get on stage, he feels another hand pat at his bicep. Minho is standing behind him in the lineup, fixing his in-ear. The younger says nothing but Chris nods nonetheless. He's back in 'leader mode' and he can already feel the adrenaline start to pump through his body, as the cheers outside grow in volume.
Not just yet.
The lights go up and the MC's announce Stray Kids, with their new song, Maniac.
Show time.