Chapter Text
When Harry felt the hold of sleep losing its grasp, he had half a mind to just pull the blanket over his head and stay in the warmth of the sheets. He couldn’t remember the last time he had such a good night’s rest. It left him feeling calm and safe, not a hint of his usual nightmares in sight. That was until he recalled what had led up to him finding his way to bed.
His eyes shot open. Immediately he had to squint because of the sunlight streaming in through the window, but that was hardly any of his concern. It seemed that Ron had already left, if his empty bed was to say anything. And thank Merlin for that. Harry had no idea how he was supposed to face anybody after the events of last night.
When they had been done talking, Sirius had taken him back to the room he shared with Ron. With dawning horror, Harry remembered that he had proudly showed Sirius his stuffed dragon, before the man kissed his forehead and, with a last hug, tucked him into bed for the night.
Sirius. Had. Tucked. Him. In.
Harry was sure that his head was about to explode with embarrassment. If the heat he felt was any indication, his face was probably burning red.
This was the worst. If only he had paid attention when they were talking yesterday. They were probably discussing how fucked up in the head he was to act like a child just to be able to get a good night’s sleep. He couldn’t help it. No matter how much he tried, he had next to no control over it. He might be able to put it off for a while, but as soon as he entered the headspace there was no turning back unless he was basically pulled or shocked out of it. It had happened quite a few times in Hogwarts. One moment he was “relaxing” with Ron and Hermione and the next there was some last minute Quidditch training or, which had started to happen more frequently, Umbridge called for his presence. Usually for another round of detention that he couldn’t even remember the reason for. Whenever something happened that Harry couldn’t immediately prove wasn’t him, she would push it off onto him doing it. It almost felt like back in the days when he would get punished for Dudley’s pranks in school.
Regardless, the main issue now was, how to prevent it from ever happening again. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what Sirius and Remus must be thinking of him now. How was he ever supposed to save anyone if he liked to spend his free time playing with a stuffed dragon?!
A knock on the door ripped him from his musings. Even though he wanted nothing more than to hide under his blankets until the sun goes away, he knew he couldn’t keep on hiding forever.
“Yes?”
The door opened. At the sight of red hair, Harry almost thought it was Ron and he was prepared to jump out of the window. Was it dramatic? Yes. But drastic times called for drastic measures.
Fortunately for him, it wasn’t Ron.
“Harry, dear? Ron mentioned earlier that you were still asleep, so we thought we’d give you some more time. There’s still some food left from breakfast. Sirius and Remus are still in the kitchen, so you won’t have to eat alone. Ron and the others are already helping me with cleaning. Do hurry up, dear. There’s still quite a lot to do.”
“Yes, Mrs Weasley. Thank you.” Harry gave her a small smile. But as soon as she left, it slid off his face.
Great, so Sirius and Remus were waiting for him. Probably to talk about yesterday. Harry really didn’t want to face his godfather and see the disappointment on his face but… Well, better to get it over with, right?
It didn’t take long for him to get dressed and do his morning routine in the bathroom. It did however take him another two minutes to bring up the courage to make his way downstairs.
Maybe the two men had left while he was still busy getting ready?
“Good morning pup.”
Harry cursed his bad luck.
“Morning”, he mumbled back.
He took a seat as far from the two as he could, meanwhile still barely looking up. Just because he managed to face them, doesn’t mean he can see the look on their faces. That would probably shatter his hearts into a million pieces.
Because he wasn’t looking, he missed to look of concern that the pair exchanged, before turning back to him.
“Molly left the food with a heating spell so it wouldn’t get cold. Go ahead and eat.”
Harry only murmured a quiet thanks to Remus before taking a plate.
To say the atmosphere in the kitchen was awkward would be a vast understatement. Both men didn’t know how to begin the conversation that Harry so obviously did not want to have. But they couldn’t just leave it.
Sirius had to stifle a curse, when he felt Remus kicking his shin under the table.
‘Sorry’ Remus mouthed. He did not look sorry. ‘Say something’
‘No, you do it’
Another kick. Sirius hissed under his breath.
“I’m right here, you know.” Harry didn’t quite look at them, but he did give a pointed stare at the table. It looked so much like his mother, Sirius couldn’t supress a small smile.
“Right, well, I think we should talk. I suppose you know about what?”
“…yeah, I guess so.”
Sirius had imagined that it would be hard to talk to a teenager about this, but even he hadn’t expected the pure apprehension Harry was showing towards the topic. Embarrassment, he had expected. But the look on Harry’s face…
He looked ready to bolt at a moment’s notice. Like a frightened animal. Sirius would have to tread carefully.
“Listen Harry, whatever might be going through that big head of yours, we’re not upset with you. There’s no need to be so tense. We really just want to talk to you. Make sure you know that you can come to us whenever you want to, if you ever want or need any help, we’re here.”
What?
Out of everything, this was not what Harry thought they would say. Why weren’t they upset? Mad that he couldn’t live up to the expectations of being The Chosen One. Disappointed, or even just done with him. All that he was prepared to deal with. But what was this?
Maybe they were talking about something else? They could have just chosen to ignore his behaviour from the night before. Perhaps he’d had a nightmare that he didn’t remember, and they want to make sure he’s alright?
“…okay?”
Harry knew that probably wasn’t the answer they wanted to hear of him, but he didn’t know what else to say. If the duo was going to disregard the events of the night before, Harry was more than willing to do the same. So perhaps, keeping his answers short would help with that?
A sigh from Sirius made him tense up even more, his shoulders hunched up to his ears, making himself even smaller. Merlin, he hoped he hadn’t made Sirius mad.
“Harry? Please look at me for a second.”
Reluctantly, Harry looked up. If there’s anything he learnt at the Dursley’s, it’s that he should always do as the adults said. It was his best bet at coming out of any situation with as little punishment as possible.
It broke Sirius’ heart to see his godson so scared to even look at him. He had always suspected that something wasn’t quite right with the way Harry behaved, it reminded him way too much of his own behaviour, back when this house was still inhabited by his family. So scared to step out of line, to make his mother mad at him for disobeying and never being good enough. He never wanted Harry to feel the same way. He would do anything to help his godson understand that he would never have to fear him and could always come to him with any issues.
He took a steadying breath before he started talking.
“Listen pup, I know that what you’ve been through is more than anybody your age should ever have to experience. But I want you to understand that nothing that could possibly happen, would make me love you less. Your parents did not only choose me as your godfather because they trusted me, but also because they could see how much you mean to me. Even as a baby you had me wrapped around your little finger, and no matter who tries, nobody will ever be able to come between me when it comes to you. I will always be there for you and help you through anything that might be troubling you. Whether it’s this war, your nightmares, or even just something as simple as problems with homework. You can trust me to be there right by side. So, whatever is troubling you right now, you have nothing to be scared of. I will help you, whatever it is. And you will never have to experience any judgement from me. Unless of course, you started dressing like Dumbledore, but we’ll tackle that if the need arises.” The comment made a small smile twitch on Harry’s face, and Sirius was glad to see he had succeeded in cheering his godson up a little. The tension in the boy’s shoulders had also lessened, and by now he was staring at Sirius with so much adoration, he felt his heart melt with love. It was clear that nothing od the sort had ever been said to him. But Sirius knew this wasn’t the time to get upset about that. If he had anything to say about it, then his boy would learn that he could always come to Sirius expecting love and support, and never be disappointed.
“Thank you.”
It was such a simple sentence, and yet, Harry’s choked up voice was filled up with so much sincerity, he managed to convey all the words he wasn’t able to say.
Sirius smiled and opened his arms in a clear invitation. Harry didn’t hesitate. Within moments he was buried in his godfather’s arms, holding on tightly as if he was afraid the man would leave, should he let go.
While Harry was still busy getting himself back together in his godfather’s embrace, the two men had a silent conversation above him.
They were glad that Harry managed to trust them, but they knew this conversation was far from over.
When Harry finally let go, he took one last steadying breath to prepare himself.
“I need to tell you something.” Harry was stubbornly looking into his lap, where he was fiddling with his fingers. He needed to get everything out without being interrupted and he was scared he would lose all his courage if he dared looking into either man’s eyes while he spoke, still afraid of their possible reactions. At least now he knew, it couldn’t be too horrible. Maybe they would force him to see a healer or to simply push down any and all inclinations he felt towards his headspace, but for now he was sure he wouldn’t be entirely abandoned and sent back to Privet Drive.
“There’s this thing that’s been happening recently, and I don’t know what to do about it. Just, please let me explain before you say anything.” He dared a quick glance at Sirius, and saw him nod encouragingly, his expression soft and open. It gave him the final push he needed, and suddenly everything was spilling out. About how it first started after the Tournament. The strange fuzzy feeling he experienced whenever his headspace took hold. How it helped him sleep, but also made him feel so helpless and afraid. Then having to keep it a secret from everyone, terrified of the reaction if anybody found out. How he had bought Blue, even though he felt terribly embarrassed about it. And lastly, about how he felt that he was letting everybody down. That he didn’t know how he could possibly still be their saviour like this. But also, that he didn’t know what to do without it by now. It was a comfort that he had. His little secret that wasn’t ever supposed to come out because he feared that someone would make him stop indulging in his newfound safe space. Something he had never had before.
By the time Harry had fully let out all the thoughts and fears that had clogged up his head for the past few months, he was sure it had been way too long, and that Mrs Weasley was bound to come looking for him any time now.
It was silent after he was done talking.
Now he’d done it. They were going to react exactly as he had feared. He thought he was able to believe Sirius, but now that he had said everything out loud, the nagging voice in the back of his head was coming back. Reminding him of all the other adults that had failed him, even when he had been sure he could trust them. He didn’t know how he could take Sirius being one of them as well.
“Harry? You still with me?”
He snapped his head up. Remus had apparently left while he was stuck in his head. Great. He had already chased of one person. Now only him and Sirius were left.
“Moony left to talk to Molly about putting lunch off for a bit. He’ll be back in a second, don’t worry.”
Oh. Maybe he hadn’t messed up too badly then? Sirius didn’t seem mad, but Harry had no idea what the man looked like when he was disappointed so that possibility was still there, tearing up his insides.
“You had quite a lot to say there. I can’t imagine running around, having all that in my head. I’m glad you told me. We’ll figure this out, I promise.”
They’d figure it out? Does that mean he will find a way for Harry to stop? Harry didn’t quite know how to feel about that. Sure, he would like to have more control over it, but, just as he’d said, he didn’t want to lose the comfort it brought him.
“Harry, I swear, this isn’t anything bad. In fact, it’s not even that unusual.”
Now Harry really looked at Sirius.
Did he just say-
But, no, it almost sounded as if he knew what Harry was talking about. But that wasn’t possible, was it? Harry was just losing it after everything he’d gone through.
Right?
But then that meant- could they help?
“So you- You don’t think I’m weird? Crazy? I thought I finally gone mental, after everything that’s been happening.”
“Oh pup... No, you’re completely fine. In fact, you already said that it was helping you, creating a safe space just for you. That’s exactly what it’s for. Moony and I have seen it multiple times during the first war. It wasn’t even that unusual at some point, anymore. Many of the members of the order are also familiar with it. We would never judge you for it or take it away from you. After all the events of your last year at school, with Voldemort and Cedric- Harry, we were so worried about you. You never came to anybody to ask for help and we didn’t know how to support you. So to hear that you found something for yourself, is honestly the most relieving thing to hear.”
“But, isn’t it stupid? And childish? I’m supposed to be everybody’s saviour. How can I be that when I’m- I don’t even know what it is…”
Sirius’ heart almost broke at hearing those words. Harry, his godson, his baby shouldn’t have to worry about carrying the entire world on his shoulders. And even when he found a way to deal with all the pressure that people pout on him, he still doubts himself. Well, not on Sirius’ watch.
“Harry, I need you to listen very carefully. What you’re describing is called a Little Space. It’s a very healthy and therapeutic way to deal with stress of all kinds. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. No matter what you might think or hear from others, it does not even in the slightest lessen your worth or your capabilities. And as for the saviour thing, pup, you’re just a teenager. They never should have put this responsibility on you, and I’m so angry that they did. You shouldn’t have to worry about saving anyone. I know that we can’t change it now. But believe me when I say, your health and safety are my top priorities. I don’t care what the rest of the world thinks and wants. You come first. And right now, you deserve to feel happy and safe. In whatever way you choose is best.”
Harry knew that he had just gotten himself back together, but at the rate this conversation was going, he was going to end up crying, and he didn’t even know whether it was from relief or happiness.
His godfather didn’t hate him. He would still be there and support him. And even after Harry had shared the one secret he was most scared to admit, Sirius didn’t disappoint him. He stayed and told Harry that everything was okay. Harry hadn’t realised how much he needed to hear that until he did.
But now, how would they go about this? What would they do?
“Um, Sirius?”
“Yes pup?”
“What are we gonna do now? I mean, what am I even supposed to do now, or expect from you?”
“Whatever you feel comfortable with, pup. I know this is new to you, but I promise, whatever you need or have in mind, I will never make fun of you. We will go at your pace, and your pace only. If you want to do this by yourself, you can. But know that Remus and I will always be here to offer our help if you need it.”
Of all the ways Harry had expected this conversation to go, this certainly wasn’t it. It basically sounded like Sirius was offering to, what, take care of him?
“But wouldn’t that be weird for you? I’m supposed to be fifteen, not, whatever else.”
“I told you before, pup, and I will tell you as many times as you need. This is completely fine, and we would never turn you away because we find something weird or gross, or whatever else you have spinning around that little head of yours. If you want or need us, we’re right here.
Harry had to swallow a suspiciously big lump in his throat at those words. Yes, Hermione and Ron had always offered their support, but this was different. This was Sirius, the person he trusted the most in this entire world.
“Okay” Harry said quietly.
“Okay” Sirius repeated with a smile. “Now come on, let’s stop hogging the kitchen before Molly begins to think I kidnapped you or something.”
Harry smiled at that. This certainly wasn’t what he had been expecting the conversation to go like, but he had never been more glad to be wrong.