Work Text:
Running out of Time
Part 1
Katsuki's Green Eyed Monster
There are a lot of things that Katsuki is not proud of. First and foremost, his shitty, fucked up history with Deku and all the messy, fucked up feelings that came with it.
He'd spent so many years bullying and putting the nerd down that he'd forgotten what his smile looked like. Not the terrified, placating one laced with fear and framed by tear-filled eyes that he'd seen nearly every day of Junior High. And not this new one he's been giving out lately. It's quick, easy and hollow, not reaching his eyes at all. If that watery simpering expression had pissed him off before, he hates this one now. It's empty and closed off in a way that Deku has never been, and it makes him grind his treats and want to set off explosions in his fists like he did as a brat.
No, his real smile. The one that made the lights dance in his pretty green eyes before they're squished shut into little crescents, happy little tears sticking to his lashes like diamonds. His cheeks round and rosy, dimples on display and the adorable way his head would tilt and his shoulders would shrug as if embarrassed by his own happiness.
That bright, beautiful grin that used to go hand in hand with the words "Kacchan is so amazing!" That carefree and joyful smile that Katsuki didn't realize he'd missed so much until he saw it again. Until it wasn't just for him anymore. Until it wasn't for him at all.
Whenever he saw that smile aimed at anyone; the nerd's stupid friend, Shitty Hair, Dunce Face, even All Might, his gut roiled with muddled feelings of irritation? Disgust? He didn't fuckin' know.
He thought seeing that smile on the nerd's face when he talked to Pink Cheeks was the worst, especially when he saw how she mirrored it back to him. So he'd gone to the training grounds just to get away from the sickening display.
He'd imagined each target was the nerd's dumb face stretched into that dumb smile and perfected his AP shot in the process.
It wasn't until he saw that smile was directed at that fucking Half n' Half bastard, again and again, that those feelings began to shift and solidify. It wasn't until Katsuki saw the fond way, IcyHot gazed down at Deku that he finally understood what he was feeling. Jealousy. The realization burned his insides like acid.
That smile that had been his, only for him, for as long as he could remember, was being given away to those extras! But unlike him, they appreciated that smile, basked in it and returned it, where he had taken it for granted, as his due. Suddenly all that anger and frustration he'd thrown at Deku for years was aimed inwards instead.
——
When that smile was finally directed at him again, Deku followed it up with those words that had stoked his ego for years: "Kacchan really is amazing!" And it had been a balm to his blistering insides.
But his heart had nearly stopped when Deku said he was proud of him. He hadn't realized that those were the words he'd always longed to hear the boy say until he said them for all of 1A to hear.
And just like that, Deku's smile was his again, and pain inside himself began to ease little by little.
——
Europe had been an absolute fucking shit show. Fuck if he's ever coming back here again. What made it worse was that Rody fucker. Deku had known him for, like, five fucking minutes, but they got along like a house on fire. When they'd finally caught up with them Katsuki couldn't believe how close they already were, like they were best fucking friends. It pissed him off so fucking much. He's livid and surly and can't be fucked to scrounge up any kind of cooperation while they're all playing detective. He's glad when they attack the Humanize stronghold, because he can finally work off some of the aggression that's been building since Interpol accused Deku of mass murder.
It had been a struggle to put down those crazy twin bastards, but so fucking worth it. He'd collapsed seconds after crowing his victory from a literal mountain peak and just laid there in the rain bleeding and trying to catch his breath. Fuck, that hurt, everything hurt. He'd wanted nothing more than to just pass out, but an explosion nearby brought him back out of his haze. Half n' Half and Deku were still fighting. He had to make sure they finished their battles. He had to make sure they won.
He found Todoroki pretty quickly. He was beat to shit and exhausted. They had barely had a moment to debrief with each other when an explosion rocked the whole fortress. They shared a single look before Katsuki was off again, leaving IcyHot to wait for reinforcements and rescue.
He found Deku bloody and broken (again, fucking Christ) but victorious. Any smug satisfaction he would have felt from their resounding victory bled out of him and left ice-cold fury in its wake. He'd found Deku with that Bird-brained motherfucker resting his head on his god-dammed lap like they were a couple in some shonen novel.
Deku hadn't even noticed his arrival. He was too caught up in fucking Rody Soul. Katsuki watched from the shadows of the half-caved-in entryway while they spoke quietly. Smiling and laughing, their gazes warm and fond for each other. He turned and slunk back into dark, heartsick, leaving them there in the light, to their shared joy.
A few days later, he watched as Deku and the Bird Brain shared a tearful farewell and warm embrace with a sick kind of glee. The whole trip has left a sour in his mouth, made all the worse because he knows what it is now. Katsuki had felt jealousy before, but never like this. This feeling was like a writhing cold mass in his belly. It made his heart squeeze in pain and rage, made him want to bear his teeth and snarl, rend the interloper to pieces and then gather his coveted treasure and hoard it greedily like a dragon.
"Are you okay?" Todoroki's quiet, monotonous voice tears Katsuki out of his head and heavy thoughts.
"Why the fuck wouldn't I be okay?" He growls, feigning disinterest.
"Dunno," he can hear the shrug, even if he's not looking at the half-and-half bastard. "I just know you don't like to lose."
The comment brings him up short. And immediately put him on the offensive.
"Huh?!" He snarls because what the fuck did he mean by him losing? But Todoroki wasn't even looking at him, which rankled him even more until he realized where his gaze was. He'd been watching Deku and Bird Brain say goodbye too.
They had finally parted, and now Deku was at the bottom of the escalator. He had his head down and tears in his eyes, looking for all the world like he was leaving a loved one behind and not some random guy he'd met less than a week ago. Katsuki could bearly breathe around the searing pain in his chest.
"If I thought you'd ever take advice from me," Todoroki's words were resigned as he spoke. "I'd tell you to shoot your shot before it's too late."
It's a terrifying realization that he knows the bastard is right. He's running out of time. He'd taken it for granted that Deku would always be there because he always had been. Katsuki never thought he's run out of time to tell Deku he wanted him there. He wanted that warm, fond smile and those bright, beautiful green eyes to always look at him. Only at him. And that thought, that single thought, is what finally, finally, eases the pain in his chest and soothes the raging jealousy in his gut. And …
Oh.
Oh.
Well, Fuck.