Chapter Text
Here I go
A
lways crashing into walls
Think I'll soak my skin and soul
Till I can't feel at all
Placebo - Twin Demon
¤
The Stadium tour had ended a few weeks ago and the boys all went back to their homes and the usual basic life.
While for some of them it was just a moment they loved as they could finally chill, find some peace and calm away from the craziness of life on the road, it tend to lead Till to some dark places…
And every time it seemed to get worse… Descending in a hole getting darker and darker every time.
Those last few years, life was pretty crazy, even for him. Sure, excesses of all sorts were part of his life for years already but even he had to admit that this time he may have pushed past any boundary left.
Too much alcohol, too much partying…
Too many random meaningless girls and too much sex…
He crossed a line when he actually chose to straight display porn during Lindemann concerts and the video for "Till the end" seemed to be the beginning of the end….
He wasn't aware of it but some fans just managed to read right through him… Of course some just cared about the porn side of it, some even shocked. But some actually saw the sad part of it… How sad and alone he seemed to look in it…
He didn't realise it at first, it is when he saw the final video that he realised he didn't "play" well enough to hide how he really felt deep inside…
Till was lost…
Alone…
Losing himself in all this not to think about all this…
Trying to fill the void by any mean…
And that "any mean" ended up being litres of alcohol, nights of meaningless sex and many self-harming sessions.
Here he was, sitting a bottle in his hand, almost empty… He's been drinking for hours… He thought about all and nothing at the same time…
"No one cares" He said, talking to the void before taking yet another sip.
His bandmates where way too accustomed to his weird behaviour to even suspect anything…
Banging his head on a pole on stage? Classical Till
Drinking way too much? Well, nothing new…
And sexy girls being all around him? Nothing new here either…
That was the real problem… Nothing was too different from what he usually did, so it wouldn't even show as warning signs…
Sure some fans seemed worried (as far as he saw while reading random things online during the boring tour bus rides), but they didn't know him and while he appreciated the love they had for his band, he didn't care for them. None of them could help anyway…
Where did all this came from anyway?
It's not that he didn't know… Of course he knew…
It's that he didn't want to admit it. But let's say that loneliness and alcohol just made him even more aware of the mess he was in.
All this began a while ago…
They've been touring with Rammstein for so long, all living as one big family, that Till didn't even realise at first that things shifted…
"It doesn't matter…"
He stood up and threw the now empty bottle that hit the opposite wall and shattered.
"I don't matter" he muttered on his way to the bathroom.
He looked in the mirror. He didn't really slept well in days and that started to show.
"You don't deserve him" he looked at his reflection and smirked.
"You don't deserve anything or anyone… Not anymore" he said and punched the mirror, making it explode, sending blood stained pieces of glass everywhere.
He didn't even take care of the wound, leaving tiny shards of glass in his now bleeding hand and went straight to the bedroom collapsing on the bed.
¤
It was just another almost sleepless night for him… and even if it didn't wake him up, the ringtone of his phone just managed to give him a massive headache.
"Go to hell" he just mumbled and slowly got up.