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It was often about fear with John. Conscious or not, whether he would admit it or not. It wasn't sudden, but fleeting anxiety or irrational panic, certainly not cowardice, but fear coming from carefully hidden places deep within, revealing itself in the most unexpected ways.
Fear motivated some of his most seemingly insignificant actions that somehow tended to have the worst consequences for him, and the most prominent example from Dirk's perspective was John's habit of retreating from more or less everything negative he'd ever experienced out of fear of... he wasn't sure what exactly at first. John played the role of an airhead convincingly enough for some of his friends to stop questioning it, but Dirk had an opportunity to figure him out, so he saw it differently. It wasn't like John was afraid to show his vulnerability, but rather, he couldn't stand the thought of losing something to what he considered to be his weak or unsightly sides. This particular insecurity he tried his best to suppress made him actually bit by bit lose certain things without him immediately realizing it. He ended up caught in a cycle of detaching himself and making his own fears become reality, and the detachment aspect of it made it invisible for others, just as he apparently wanted.
This particular matter of John's contradictory inner workings became a subject of great interest to Dirk, which was relatively new to him. Normally he was way too wrapped up in his own… everything, but the years following the game told him that he needed to see other people's perspectives way more than he'd thought. Considering that most of his life was spent in forced isolation, he found the idea rather comforting: he was actually connected to someone, to something real and tangible, and it required a lot of delicate work from everyone involved and not his lone extensive planning. John didn't exactly reach the same conclusion despite struggling with being both social and estranged, and a recent turn in his relationship with Dirk that happened after tons of trial and error seemingly taught him nothing. Dirk knew better than to jump to conclusions, so he decided to look into it after he noticed that John's inner contradictions started bleeding into his usual behavior. His sporadic attempts to run from deeper attachments despite very much responding positively to Dirk's efforts to connect weren’t exactly new, but were sending a lot of mixed signals all things considered. Sure, this was a new unfamiliar ground for them, and John had experienced a severe sense of disconnect and even dissociation before, which made it difficult for him to connect or reconnect with others and which in turn made Dirk justify this behavior and his doubts in his head. John seemingly got better with it, since committing to something with Dirk was evidently way bigger and scarier for him than it seemed, but he still did it, he made the first step himself. This time, however, he wasn't trying to isolate or emotionally close off, both of which were telltale signs of him fighting his own head. Weirdly enough, the issue seemed to lie in the physical aspect of things, the one thing John really wasn't afraid of before.
Dirk knew his own place, of course: he knew he could be pushy and he learned to keep himself in check, he probably even sabotaged himself on purpose sometimes to stay in line. Still, there were limits to his ability to watch, see and do nothing, especially when he was directly involved, and he could obviously just ask , but there was no guarantee to receive an answer. John's generally half evasive half accepting nature didn't help at all: he listened and answered questions directly sometimes , but he also could decide that he just didn't give a shit about someone's words without offending said someone in any way and, consequently, letting them stay in the dark forever. He could also simply not have an answer at all by virtue of evading self-reflection at all costs, which was fair, but all the more frustrating.
That aside, Dirk was very confident in his own right to see John's most genuine authentic self, with all its highs and lows. This confidence was coming from various places: for instance, he tended to be selectively confident, but John's trust and vague boundaries made him a bit too confident. The other thing was his unsettling level of interest in what made people tick in theory, and it didn't usually apply to someone he personally knew, but the gradual change in his already way too familiar relationship with John made him almost constantly look at him, figuratively speaking (and sometimes literally, if he felt like it.)
This shift was the main thing that made Dirk think that he had the right to know reasons behind John's increasingly jittery behavior. He started trying to figure out why John acted like the two of them weren't uncomfortably tactile with each other before and watched closely at first. John was often the one to initiate physical contact, and he had no problems with Dirk reciprocating it, but he quickly retreated when Dirk did the same, admittedly in such subtle ways that it was barely noticeable at first. It wasn't lingering embarrassment that made him do that, if his expressions and body language were anything to go by. He didn't seem flustered or unsettled or particularly put off, but perplexed in some way, like he didn't expect that to happen. John was open and obvious enough for Dirk to read him, but somehow it didn't help, and he ended up just being confused and annoyed by the fact that no conceivable reason for this random skittishness made sense to him. John used to be the one to jump people with unprompted hugs and still was comfortable enough to do it with Dirk, but for some reason being on the receiving end of someone's affection was too much for him, even though his immediate reaction was positive and he usually reciprocated.
Dirk looked for a problem in his own actions out of habit and lack of options. Again, he could be too much and was aware of it, but he couldn't find anything too noteworthy in his own recent behavior, which was a welcome change, but also made it more difficult. He forced himself to do things in moderation, not because he was asked to, but because whatever their relationship turned into was for some reason way too terrifying for John and way too important for himself, and he wanted things to work out for once. Overanalyzing didn’t bring any results, so he decided to try, as delicately as he could, to figure things out through actions instead.
Obviously just giving John pats on the back or throwing an arm around his shoulder in arguably way too "bro" fashion was still fine. John didn't think twice about those, and Dirk in all honesty struggled with keeping his hands to himself for an embarrassingly long time before their relationship changed, at least in name, so he had no intentions to continue doing it. John apparently had other plans despite not rejecting him in any obvious way, all the while Dirk was actively trying not to push him. He tried rather innocent hugs, which may or may not have lasted slightly too long, to test the waters, and the response was as positive as he expected, so this nonexistent boundary was out of the question. Unprompted back hugs had the same effect, sometimes an even more positive one. John might've seen these as acceptably platonic, which was honestly fucking annoying if that was the case: he was the one who wasn't satisfied with "platonic" and actually acted upon it in the first place, after all. Dirk, however, learned to be patient and tried to not assume the worst.
He tried to figure out how far obviously not platonic things could go between them, and even just kissing John turned out to be a different story. He was nervously enthusiastic about it on every occasion, following Dirk's lead as willingly as initiating, and judging by how vocal and, ironically enough, breathless he was during their impromptu make-out sessions, things could have gone places if he didn't retreat as quickly as they happened. Admittedly, Dirk was a bit… too into it at times, his hands and lips wandering further after every new sound or positive reaction from John. He actively tried to hold back: forcing things to go too far was out of the question, but there was no immediate negative response either, so he ended up constantly questioning what exactly he was supposed to do there. He knew he needed to be more patient, and he would be, if it wasn't for John leaning in or pulling him closer just to carefully retreat mere moments later. Dirk wasn't desperate by any means, but he would’ve assumed that he was being teased or tested on purpose if he was with someone else. A genuine lost, uncertain look on John's face followed by an apologetic smile was ingrained in his mind at this point though.
After several instances of this happening Dirk's patience started wearing thin. He really just wanted to be close with John in what he thought was acceptable way in their current relationship without second guessing his every action, and it wasn't even related to sex in any way. No amount of accomodation on his end was doing much either. It became tiring, so eventually he just let John steer the boat and initiate contact as he saw fit without doing much himself, which turned into John being occasionally and cautiously clingy. He obviously enjoyed their closeness, but most likely assumed he offended Dirk in some way, so he tried to stay away. Dirk did feel offended on some level, if he was to be honest, or maybe just upset with the situation. He was way too driven by his own wants and needs to continuously step on his own neck, regardless of how much he wished for John to feel safe and comfortable in their relationship. The whole thing somehow felt one-sided, despite the fact that John now was the one who was kissing him and retreating after cautiously searching for a response and not finding any, or hugging him from behind and silently holding him so lightly it was barely noticeable. At this point Dirk wasn't sure if he even wanted to be around him as much as he tended to be, but the thought of putting a distance between them himself terrified him to no end.
Eventually John started to laugh it all off and awkwardly stop himself from initiating despite clearly being antsy and touch starved. It was a sign of multiple things going through his head, and the last thing Dirk wanted was to lose their friendship to this too. They didn’t stop hanging out though, which either was a good thing, or they both were just scared to ruin everything in their own ways and were just forcing themselves to stay put despite things getting uncomfortable as hell. Others started to question them both about it out of genuine concern, and all Dirk could do was shrug. He was convinced that he wasn't acting differently towards John because of this, but maybe he was lying to himself. He decided to talk to him after realizing that, but the last straw was very unexpected even to himself.
They were hanging out one evening, attempting to watch some obscure movie Dirk didn't bother to remember the name of, and the respectful distance between them on the couch, paired with John's… well, maybe not longing, but anxious glances, broke the camel's back. He knew John could feel the weird tension, but seemed too frozen to do something to break it, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. John wasn't a man of action very often, but his roundabout ability to make other people act deserved respect, he could give him that. Dirk reached out to take the remote from John's hand and saw him involuntarily flinch. This reaction didn't necessarily hurt, but sure told a lot about his wound up state. Dirk sighed and turned the volume down.
"We should talk about this."
John was nervously biting his lip, fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve without looking up. Dirk carefully pulled him by said sleeve to catch his attention, and John sharply turned his head like he was tased. Talk about overreacting. Dirk then tried to pull him closer by the wrist in what normally was a comforting gesture, but he resisted, still not looking up at him.
"John, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Dirk hated that he sounded like a shitty obvious manipulator and like he was pleading in equal measure. He needed to know though. John meanwhile was looking at the hand on his wrist like he was trapped, and Dirk released him with a frustrated sigh. He still didn't say a word, so Dirk just leaned back on the couch, absently looking at the shadows dancing on the ceiling. John fidgeted some more, and judging by his occasional little inhales he was trying to tell him something and failing. He eventually let out a defeated sigh.
"Dirk?"
His voice was small, and Dirk knew that in all fairness he should ignore it, but he couldn't: it was his way of asking for help. He glanced at John. There was a pleading apologetic look on his face, his mouth slightly open in another failing attempt to say something to make amends. Dirk really couldn't stand how much of an open book John was sometimes, and the only thing that annoyed him more was his own inability to resist him. He sighed again, and after a brief moment of consideration he patted his thigh. John looked surprised, questioningly tilting his head, and Dirk reached out and gently brushed off wild hair from his forehead. He felt a blush quickly heat up John's face and smiled despite himself, making him avert his eyes. He then slid his hand on John's neck, briefly stopping on the pulse, and lightly pulled again. John took the second hint and laid his head down on Dirk's lap. Dirk just absentmindedly ran his fingers through his soft hair for a couple of moments. He eventually stopped to turn off the TV to get rid of the distracting flashing lights. The room went dark, the only source of light being the bright starlight falling through the open window. Dirk felt John tense up again, so he stroked his hair a bit more to no avail.
"Well?"
Dirk put his hand on John's shoulder. Hair stroking clearly didn't help him concentrate, and some part of Dirk was delighted that he had this effect on him, but his built-up frustration was stronger.
"...Sorry."
John's voice was barely audible.
"For what?"
No immediate response followed.
"For… disappointing you, I guess?"
Ah, so that was the direction his mind took. Dirk decided to go the long way.
"What makes you think that I'm disappointed?"
John immediately caught on to his interrogation tactic and scoffed, but quickly stopped himself from a reflexive nasty response.
"Why wouldn't you be? I…"
He paused, and Dirk couldn't see his face, but he could tell he was frowning.
"I keep pushing you away, even though I started the whole dating talk in the first place, and you're really… distant recently, which is fair, but I didn't mean to upset you, I do really want all these…"
John stuttered in the middle of his blabbering. Dirk really wanted to see what kind of expression he made, because he could already tell where he was going with this.
"...All these… not very bro things with you, you know what I mean?"
Dirk huffed, feeling a pleasant warmth in his chest. It didn't overshadow the hurt completely though, so he decided to tease John for entertainment.
"Yeah? Can you elaborate?"
John grumbled something sounding like "Damn you Strider" .
"...No."
Dirk rolled his eyes, and they both went silent. He ran his hand through John's hair again, briefly brushing his fingers against the nape of his neck, and John let out a surprised, but pleased breathy sound, his hand immediately flying to his mouth to cover it. He rolled over to look up at Dirk and squinted, either annoyed or because he couldn't see anything in the dark.
"I'd tell you to wipe this expression off your face, but I can't see it."
Dirk felt a satisfied grin tugging at the corners of his mouth, so he used the darkness to his advantage and smiled to his heart's content, having no doubts that it looked evil. John turned away again and swatted Dirk's hand in the process. Their banter apparently wasn't an effective distraction for him, so Dirk could at least tell that he was genuinely concerned about the situation as much as he was.
"Hey, John?"
"Hm?"
"Did I push you too far? We can take it slow, if you want. You're not… obligated to do certain things just because I want to. I mean, yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I am upset about it, but I'll manage."
Dirk's vision adjusted to the dark enough for him to see John's eyes go wide, even through the shades.
"Do you?"
John's voice sounded high and strained.
"Do I what?"
"Do you… want to do certain things? With me?"
He almost whispered, and Dirk shrugged.
"What are you so surprised about? I thought we're having a problem right now for this exact reason, because we want different things from each other."
John exhaled and shook his head. Dirk didn't know what to make of it just yet.
"What's the deal then?"
John knitted his brows and just lay in silence for a while, deep in thought.
"It's just that… it doesn't feel real, you know? Or like it’s actually happening to me. I've never really had anything like this with anyone. I mean, there were people I was… maybe interested in, but I didn't even have a chance, first with SBURB and then—"
Dirk found his hand and covered it with his. John's breath caught slightly, and he let out a nervous chuckle.
"See? Every small thing is a lot if I think about it."
"Aren't you normally a master of not doing that?"
John blinked, but was able to quickly make out Dirk's slight smile in the dark. He laughed at an unexpected burn, and the clear bright sound of it made Dirk smile wider, making him thankful for the darkness mostly obscuring it.
"You got me there! I'm not really doing a great job at it right now, am I?"
John laughed again, quieter and a bit more bitter this time, covering his mouth with his hand, then took a deep breath. He looked up at Dirk with an unreadable expression, then his gaze stopped on their connected hands. Dirk spoke up.
"Look, I can understand that this is a lot for you, but I can't actually read your mind, you know that?"
John's eyes darted to him again, alarmed, but Dirk shook his head, cutting his apology short, and he closed his mouth mid inhale with a click.
"It's only fair if you actually… Let me know how you feel sometimes. I know I sound like the least trustworthy guy on this planet when I straight up say that you can trust me, but I don't know what else to tell you, dude. I mean exactly what I say when I say that, no bullshit, no agenda, I'm not gonna give you shit for saying "No" either."
"That's the thing though, it's not…"
John's voice died in his throat. He pursed his lips.
"It's not a "No"... I mean, it is for now, but…"
Dirk sighed and touched the side of his face, and John gingerly leaned into the touch. Dirk almost felt like blushing, his heart skipping a beat like the traitor it was.
"You can tell me why you're so scared of me then."
John gave him a judgemental look.
"Does it look like I'm scared of you right now?"
"Doesn't count. You keep running away every other time anyway."
Dirk was surprised by the bitterness that slipped into his voice. He frowned.
"If it helps you, just know that it's not any better for me when you do that. You should know by now how I get sometimes, for me this is…"
Dirk didn't look, but could tell that there was all the concern in the world on John's face at that moment.
"When you're slipping away like this, I keep thinking, "Did I cause that? Was I too much, did I go too far?" So…"
He paused, feeling John's cold hand tucking his bangs behind his ear. He mirrored his earlier gesture and leaned into his touch, hearing a smile in his content exhale.
"...So you should just tell me if I'm pushing it. At least let me know how far is too far."
John hummed.
"And what if I don't know what's too far?"
"Sure you do, judging by how you act most things are too far. No offense, by the way, just thought that you should know."
John shook his head, smiling apologetically.
"I'm not an expert, as you can probably tell. In, you know. Matters of the heart?"
Dirk lightly poked John's forehead with his fist. John giggled at his own joke.
"But, if you really must know…"
He looked away, clutching his shirt in an involuntary gesture. He took a deep breath.
"Dirk, I'm just…"
He let out a bitter self-deprecating laugh.
"I think I'm just scared that if we go too far, everything will just… go up in flames one day, you know?"
There was a resigned note in his voice. He kept smiling, but Dirk felt a dull ache in his chest when he saw it. He took John's hand in his again, but John didn't seem to notice and kept going, getting completely lost in his own head.
"You never know what might happen, right? So… What if that's a bad idea, to just… do something like this? If I care about something, it will be taken away from me one day, and I don't want that, which is… Duh? It doesn't matter what happens to me if I can prevent that though, you know? If I just stay put in my house forever, nothing will happen to anyone I care about, but if I don't care about anyone, then—"
Dirk put one hand on his shoulder and gripped his fingers with the other, and John hissed and looked up at him with a confused frown, but quickly noticed whatever his expression was, and a sympathetic look appeared on his face. His eyes were welling up already, and Dirk felt his throat starting to burn. He didn't want to hear the end of this thought.
"John, come on man, don't do that to yourself."
John smiled and looked at their connected hands. He huffed a watery laugh and hurried to reassure him.
"...I'm sorry, I'm okay, I really am, just got carried away a bit."
He took a deep unsteady breath to try to calm himself. His voice was just thoughtful when he spoke again.
"You… you make it better. That's why this, what we have here is so… unsettling to me. It just occurs to me sometimes that everyone I care about just died at one point, and I didn't even know how or why. I even saw you… a different you, I guess… maybe not die , but disappear in some messed up game glitches in that other timeline I came from. So I have an image of that in my head sometimes, which is fun, and all these timeline shenanigans make me think about terrible things, like, what if something happens because we're together like this? Am I going to watch it happen, or am I going to find out that something happened in the most offhand way possible again?"
John sighed deeply. Dirk meanwhile didn't know where to start. He kind of expected the issue to be bigger than just himself or even the two of them, but not to this extent, so he needed to reassure John somehow, or at least stop him from getting lost too deep in his own head, but he was drawing a blank. His own darkest thoughts went there too sometimes. Peace and quiet of Earth C seemed forced and fleeting after most of his life was spent expecting shit to go down, which inevitably happened most of the time, and building something with a constant paranoid expectation that it would collapse like a house of cards was mentally taxing, he couldn't even imagine how the others did it. Dirk knew that John shared at least that sentiment, and apparently it had a way stronger effect on him than Dirk could possibly imagine, but in his case he was completely in the dark in most situations until after the fact. It made Dirk feel a strange mix of dread and exhilaration. He didn't want him to know what it felt like, but he was selfishly happy that his arguably closest person could empathize with what plagued him at his lowest points and potentially understand why he was trying so hard with everything in the present. Still, he had this way too optimistic, or maybe ignorant wish to pursue some kind of future without thinking about everything disappearing at any moment, and he wanted to maybe share this feeling with John too, so they'd at least go down together if it ever came to that. Dirk couldn't quite find words to express that just yet, so he carefully stroked John's hair again, feeling his own hands shaking. John covered their connected hands with his free one, another self deprecating smile on his face.
"Now you know, I guess, so don't think that any of that is your fault. I'm the one who keeps failing, actually, but it's kind of surprising that my own thoughts are that bleak sometimes."
John shivered uncomfortably and tried to get up, only for Dirk to unconsciously follow his movement and stop him. John's smile turned more genuine.
"I'm not going anywhere, so…"
Dirk let go of him instantly, making him chuckle at his rapid movement. John sat up and stretched, making a satisfied little sound. He then looked at Dirk. His features were still soft, but his smile disappeared completely.
"So… Don't go anywhere either, okay?"
His voice was small and hopeful.
"It's not like I'm scared of you or what you apparently want from me, but…"
John looked to the side.
"I mean, it's probably obvious, but a lot of this is new to me, I just get really nervous about… messing up, and then I start thinking about all these terrible things that may or may not happen, and…"
He sighed.
"I didn't mean to… lead you on, or whatever it is I did, and I'm sorry."
Dirk made an effort to concentrate. His own thoughts were in a complete disarray, but he needed to know where they were standing and make sure they weren't just assuming too much about each other and acting upon it.
"John, calm down a little bit."
John gave him a puzzled look, but his breathing was hectic from his rambling and nervousness. Dirk held his hand by the wrist, giving him something to focus on. John eventually relaxed and freed his wrist, only to properly take a hold of Dirk's hand instead. He shifted closer to him until their shoulders touched.
"I understand where you're coming from. Nothing is happening, nothing feels real, I get that. I’m not trying to lecture you, but… it doesn't change the fact that we're here right now and that we have to move on with our lives, you know what I'm saying? At least, that’s what I tell myself. I expect something to go south all the damn time when other people are trying their hardest to make a living for themselves, and… I'm honestly kinda relieved that someone else feels the same."
John chuckled.
"Either none of us is insane or both of us are insane, huh?"
Dirk just held his hand tighter.
"I'd say it's probably the latter, but look. I really want to try with you, alright? I feel like I don't have to think about some fuckin' sword of Damocles hanging over my head all the time when we're together, so… I want you to feel safe too. I thought we were doing better when we started… I don't know what you wanna call it. Whatever this is."
Dirk nodded at their hands. John looked down, and his expression melted. He smiled at whatever thought that crossed his mind with such fondness that Dirk felt the urge to reach out and just hold him close for the rest of the night. John didn't give him any time to do anything though: he looked up at him, and Dirk couldn't quite tell what his expression meant despite seeing it clearly thanks to the light from the window. John leaned closer, but didn't close the distance completely. The curious look on his face was almost inviting, so Dirk cautiously leaned a bit forward as well, angling his head in a silent question. John just smiled, so he closed the distance and carefully kissed the corner of his mouth. John let out a satisfied silent exhale, returned the gesture and gave him a peck as well, cautiously searching his face for a reaction. Dirk suddenly felt bold and pressed his lips against John's, and he just sighed, closing his eyes and slightly opening his mouth without thinking too much about it. Dirk carefully slid his free hand into his hair, angled his head to deepen the kiss and shuddered at the involuntary sound John made drowning in the kiss. He was very aware of their knees pressed uncomfortably together and of John's free hand clutching his shirt, so he kept going, feeling his own heartbeat in his throat. They parted moments later, too quickly for his liking, and judging by a frustrated noise John made, he wasn't too happy either, but it needed to be done. Dirk evened his breathing and waited until his heartbeat calmed down a bit. He then looked at John, who kept staring at him with a vacant distraught expression, lightly kissed him on the cheek again and smiled when he felt how flushed his face still was. John almost pouted. He seemingly wanted to kiss him back, but Dirk stopped him and adjusted his slightly askew glasses.
"Don't overdo it, I don't want you to freak out on me again."
He tried to sound teasing, but his own voice sounded airy and gentle in his ears instead, so he decided to commit to it.
"Let's try again, okay?"
John didn't answer, but leaned forward, pressing his cheek to Dirk's chest and wrapping his arms around him with a loud exaggerated sigh. Dirk silently hugged him back. After several quiet minutes John spoke up again, looking up without letting go of him.
"This proves it though, right?"
"What?"
"That I'm not just freaking out because some scary, scary Strider touched me in a slightly not strictly platonic way."
Dirk hummed, feeling a smirk tugging at his mouth.
"Oh, I don't know about that, it's only been ten minutes. Let's see if you can handle a week of that at least."
John's eyes went wide, but he shook his head, pulled away and smiled, probably assuming that Dirk couldn't see that. Dirk meanwhile could almost swear that he was blushing despite his challenging look.
"A whole consecutive week? Should I be scared now ? I thought you wanted me to go out more or something!"
Dirk didn't know his own smile could go this wide, but he decided to use what he just saw against John later.
"Well yeah, but it was before our little whatever the fuck just now, now I'm offering."
John rolled his eyes, but his expression was somewhat intrigued.
"You're so creepy sometimes, you know that?"
Dirk scoffed.
"Judging by the fact that you're still here, it's an acceptable level of creepy, but I could always change your mind."
John squinted at him.
"...Do I wanna know how?"
"So there is this… piece of cinema I find fascinating, it's called Mister—"
"Okay, shut the fuck up. Or… I guess keep talking if you want me to leave. Do you want me to leave?"
Dirk laughed, not even bothering to hold back, dramatically leaned forward and tightly hugged John again, feeling his little airy laugh in his hair.
"We were just talking about an entire week of this. What do you think, bro?"
“I think you’re full of it and wouldn’t actually commit to that, so you’re trying to scare me off and—”
“Yeah, sure, I’ve already come up with a twenty page long plan of how to mentally destroy you with cuddling, seems to be working.”
“I’d say you probably had it ready beforehand and just executed the first stage or whatever.”
Dirk huffed again, feeling John snuggling closer, completely relaxed. He felt strangely reassured by this display of trust, even though he knew full well that this overwhelming feeling of security most likely wouldn’t last long. This wasn’t exactly the safety he had in mind when he told John about it, but he let himself enjoy the thought that maybe he was able to somehow ease both of their fears a little bit after all. Maybe in the end his and John’s wishes could be granted just like that too.