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Orcas Island, October 2020

The wind was howling through the branches, tearing at Jensen's too thin jacket and biting his already cold cheeks mercilessly as he was fighting against the heavy squalls while walking towards the lighthouse. Warm light shone through what seemed every first floor window, a source of hope in the otherwise pitch dark night. The halo was bright enough to change the inky all-consuming blackness that had been Jensen's companion since he had gotten out of the cab. Enough for Jensen to notice the half dozen of cars parked at the small vistor's parking lot and to multiply the queasiness tenfold that had been bubbling in his belly ever since he had stepped off the ferry.

Ten years. A decade of not being in touch, unless you counted Christmas or Birthday cards, the odd text full of pleasantries or a handful of very awkward phone calls that consisted of nothing but ahs and ums as well as stretches dominated by uncomfortable silences before they ended. Even now, more than ten hours after Jensen had boarded his plane in Austin, he wondered what the hell he was doing here, on Orcas Island, just yards away from his destination. Yet, he had nowhere to go to and no one to talk to apart from this old refuge and his once best friend, before life, but most of all bad decisions and shitty behavior, had torn them apart.

When Jensen had reached the graveled forecourt, fringed with naked flowerbeds, he could hear laughter sounding through a window that was opened a small gap to let in fresh air. It sounded as if a party was going on and as Jensen sneaked closer, he could see more than a dozen people scattered across a room that looked very differently than the living room Jensen remembered. 

People wearing Halloween costumes, bowls filled with sweets and chips between them, were sitting on a modern sofa, some even on the floor, others were standing in groups together, casually leaning against Scandinavian style furniture. Plates with the last remains of sandwiches were scattered over tables and other surfaces, just like countless long-empty beer bottles.

Groaning, Jensen hid behind the car that was parked closest to the main door, feeling like a stalker, his hand pressed against his heart. What should he do now? Cold to the bones, drained and hungry, all he wanted to do was step through the welcoming front door into his warm, safe haven, crash onto the heavenly soft mattress of the room he had spent several summer vacations in and feel his old friend's warm hazel eyes on him. 

Yet, how could he crash his party like that? Uninvited, unexpected, maybe even unwelcome. How could he expect his old friend to welcome him with open arms at all, after everything that had happened? Jensen wasn't a part of Jared's life anymore, just like Jared hadn't been part of Jensen's life for a whole decade.

Tears stung in his eyes, but Jensen rubbed them away before they could drop down his bearded cheek. He had cried so much since the first visit by the cops almost a year ago. First in disbelief and anger, then in sadness and fear, panic and desperation. Biting his lips, Jensen pressed his right thumb against the bulgy scar on his left wrist, the skin still sensitive, even after seven weeks, the pain welcome because at least it chased the numbness away.

Making himself comfortable on the wooden enclosure that seperated the parking spaces from the flowerbeds, hugging himself for warmth and comfort, Jensen watched the main door, trying to make a decision whether he could bother Jared or not. He probably should have thought it through earlier, before he had spent his last money on a one-way ticket to Seattle and not now, as he had reached his goal. What made him so sure that Jared would take him in? What made him believe that Jared wouldn't look at him like the criminal, culprit and pervert half of San Antonio believed Jensen to be, even now and although Jensen had been cleared of all charges. Nothing but the promise a thirteen-year-old, shattered boy, who had lost his family had given to him; to stay friends, no matter what.

Eventually, the door opened, spitting out a handful of people; four obviously drunk, giggling and unsteady on their legs, one sober enough to fumble for his car keys. A tall man was standing in the door frame, throwing his head back, showing an unbelievably long, tanned neck, white teeth, his mop of hair dancing in the gust of wind he had let in with opening his door. Otherworldly he looked and Jensen couldn't help but stare, his mouth watering from something else than the nausea that had been bubbling in his belly, said belly suddenly making a weird little flip-flop. Jared. All grown up. Not a midget any longer. The fifteen-year-old gangly kid had turned into a very fine specimen of a man, attractive and breathtaking like a Greek God.

Hiding deeper in the shadows, to make sure that neither Jared nor his guests would see him, Jensen watched the group of people dressed as monsters and homicide victims stumble to a car. Only when the engine roared into life and the semi-sober driver steered his SUV from the parking lot did Jensen emerge from where he had disappeared, changing his hideout for a better one, a group of rhododendron bushes one or two yards away from the parking spaces. From there, Jensen still had a good look at the door, was relatively protected from the still cutting wind and far better concealed than in the dim shadows of the cars.

As more time passed by, more and more people left the lighthouse, mostly in groups of three or four, until eventually, only one car was parked in the lot, a rather rusty and dirty truck. Despite the coldness, tiredness crept over Jensen, causing his eyes to fall shut again and again and tugging him to a place of calm and peace. Barely managing to hold his glance fixed at the door with eyes at half-mast, Jensen decided that he would wait another ten minutes, before he would finally make himself known. Going back to Texas was no option. Bankrupt, homeless and unemployed, Jensen had nowhere to go to, would face a life as society's dregs if he turned his back on Jared. His old friend was his only option. If Jared would cast him away, Jensen had only one way out. To finish what he hadn't been able to complete seven weeks ago.

***

“You sure you don't want me to help you clean this mess away?” Neil asked, gesturing at the dining table that was a battlefield, scattered with glasses, bottles and dirty plates, some clean, some with leftovers of pasta salad or half-eaten sandwiches.

Jared waved the offer away with a gesture of his hand, before he hooked his thumbs into the belt-loops of his jeans, leaning nonchalantly against the doorframe between kitchen and living room. “Nah, don't worry about it, Neil. Just go home.” Jared was beat. A long day at the office had followed the preparations for his yearly Halloween party and all he wanted was to have either a hot bath or shower, to fall into his bed and to sleep, preferably twelve hours.

“You sure?” Neil came closer, moving salaciously, licking his lips, walking right into Jared's space and pressing his crotch against Jared's. One rub was enough to elicit a deep moan from the depth of Jared's throat and to cause his blood rushing south. “I could stay. Here.” Once more Neil licked his lips, placing his hands posessively on Jared's waist. “With you.”

For one moment, Jared was tempted. Neil was damn attractive, a deft kisser and a skilled lover, but Jared wasn't ready to spend the whole night with him. It was against his rules, and Jared always tried to keep to his rules. It was self-protection, really, not to let anybody get too close. Inviting Neil, whom he had met only five weeks ago, to his party and into the circle of his friends, some of whom Jared had known since he had moved to Orcas Island thirteen years ago, had been a big enough step for now. “Yeah, you could,” Jared agreed, yet moving one step back, placing his own hands above Neil's and gently taking them off his waist. “But not tonight, Neil. It's not a good time.”

Disappointment showed in Neil's face as he shook his head, grabbing his vest he had thrown over the armrest of the sofa hours ago, ignoring the bread crumbs it was now covered with. “Your loss, Jared,” he spat out as he headed into the hallway, Jared following him with his head bowed.

“I'm sorry, Neil,” Jared pressed out between his lips. “It's just, it's been a long day.”

Slipping into his vest, Neil shook his head. “Yeah, I know Jare.” He placed his hand against Jared's chest. “Yet, I still wish you would finally treat me like a partner and let me into your life instead of like a dirty little secret you only fuck on the seats of my truck or behind the bar.” 

He opened the door, the wind still tearing at the long empty branches heavily, chasing dead leaves over the forecourt. “Think about it, Jared. What you want from life. Who you want to be and most of all, who you want to be with.” A sad smile twiched over Neil's lips as he looked into Jared's confused, guilty-looking face. “Night.” He pressed his lips against Jared's, licking the tip of his tongue over the velvety cushions before he turned around, heading towards his old car, leaving Jared dumbstruck.

Scratching his neck, Jared's eyes followed Neil and only when the lights of his truck's headlights vanished down the hill did Jared close the door. Suddenly feeling cold, empty and a little hopeless, Jared ignored the mess in the living room and switched off the light there, before he moved into the kitchen that looked even worse. When Aunt Martha had still been alive, she would make him a hot milk sweetened with honey when he was feeling low and although Jared felt a little dizzy and nauseous from that one beer too much, his old comfort drink seemed like a good idea.

Yet, even before Jared could open the fridge to get out the milk, a tentative knock, barely to be heard in the uproar the storm was causing, announced a visitor. Maybe, one of his friends had forgotten something, Jared thought as he headed towards the hallway, though he hadn't noticed any unclaimed items in his living room.

With quite a force, Jared ripped his front door open. A man was standing in front of it. Hair a tad too long, beard bushy, his whole posture bent, he was wearing a too thin jacket for the weather, a duffle bag over his shoulders. A moment or two of confusion washed over Jared as he wondered who the stranger was and why he was knocking at his door at one am in the morning. Then the man's eyes pierced him. A stunning emerald he had dreamed of again and again in the past decade. “Jensen,” Jared breathed out, his voice oozing with the shock and surprise of seeing his once best friend standing in front of his door in the middle of the night.

“Hello Jared. I need a friend.”

Then

San Antonio, April 2007

“Boys!” Donna called from downstairs. “Switch off the X-Box! Now!”

Groaning, Jensen rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Five more minutes, Mom!” he pleaded as he heard footsteps climbing up the stairs.

“You asked for five more minutes thirty minutes ago, Jensen Ross, and I think you got quite a fair deal,” Donna remarked dryly, pushing open the ajar door leading to Jensen's bedroom once she had reached the landing.

Jensen and Jared were sitting on the fluffy carpet that covered most of the hardwood floor, their backs leaning against the king size bed, their eyes fixed at the TV and their hands tightly wrapped around the consoles of Jensen's X-Box, one of his most precious possessions. Even though the boys were fighting against each other, they were sitting quite close, wearing long pajama pants and tees in a dark blue, their legs touching, almost looking like brothers with their light brown hair, similar build and posture.

“Mom,” Jensen tried again, throwing a quick, yet pleading glance at his mother before fixing his eyes back on the TV screen.

“No darling, that's enough,” Donna demanded strictly, yet with a hint of affection in it. “It's way past ten pm on a Tuesday night, Jensen. Jared has a calculus test to write. It's really time for you both to go to bed.”

“Jared would still get an A in calculus if he had zero sleep and preparation,” Jensen shot back, grinning broadly at his best friend and being really proud of him. In Jensen's eyes, who was smart but still had to study quite a lot for his solid grades, Jared, who brought home A after A without doing much for it, was a genius.

“That might be true, but I promised his mom to take good care of him while Sherri and Gerry are in Europe and I intend to keep my word.”

With one quick look between Jared and Jensen, the boys agreed wordlessly to call it a day. “Okay, okay,” Jensen gave in, saving the game and switching off the TV with a very histrionic sigh. He got up from the floor and headed to the en-suite bathroom while Jared made himself comfortable in his cozy bed.

Jared and Jensen had grown up together. Their moms were best friends forever, had gone to high school together, had been roommates in college and had bought houses in the same neighborhood after they had gotten married. According to them, it had been love at first sight when Jensen had first met Jared. The story how Jensen, less than two-and-a-half-years old, had wrapped his chubby arms around Aunt Sherri's new baby posessively, stroking his clumsy fingers through baby Jared's fine hair and holding him as tightly yet as carefully as possible was an all-time-favorite for Jared's birthdays. When Sherri had wanted to take her son back, both Jensen and the newborn had cried pathetically, yet had been perfectly content when Sherri had let Jensen cuddle the baby a little longer. From that first moment on, Jared and Jensen had been practically inseparable, spending as much time together as possible. Their mothers had a repertoire of stories from their childhood and while Jared and Jensen's adventures had been varied, the overall message was always the same. They loved each other dearly. From that first moment, they had clung to each other. Even now, at fifteen and twelve-years old, they were very physical, joined at the hip, always seeking each other's company and the warmth of the other's body. Their friendship was strong as a rock, built on a foundation made from trust, faith, and love and every fond childhood memory Jared and Jensen had was of them together.

Smelling of toothpaste and soap, Jensen came back and climbed into his bed. He switched off the lights, scooting quite close to where Jared was lying with eyes at half-mast, a very old woolen blanket pressed against his scrawny chest.

“Sorry about that,” Jared whispered, his face almost buried into the pillow.

“Come on, midget,” Jensen remarked equally quietly. “It's not your fault Mom's a dog in the manger. We both know she also would have asked us to go to bed if you didn't have to write that test tomorrow.”

“'m still sorry. Wish we could stay up all night. Spend time together.”

“We spend time together, even when we sleep,” Jensen said as he pulled the cover over both their bodies, making sure that Jared was covered completely. It was his job to take good care of Jared and make sure that he was safe. “Sleep tight, midget.”

“You too, Jen.”

***

Jared was halfway done with his calculus test when the door to the classroom opened, the headmaster's secretary stepping in, walking to Mrs. Kane and talking to her in a whisper. Not that Jared noticed any of that. Engrossed in his test and busy solving the mathematical problems, he only stopped scribbling down his notes when Mrs. Kane called his name, placed a hand on Jared's shoulder and told him very quietly that the headmaster wanted to see him at once.

Heart in his mouth, suddenly feeling very uneasy, Jared packed his things and grabbed his school bag, following the secretary quietly along the empty aisles, his feet echoing through the hallway. With every step, Jared got more restless, wondering what had happened. Well-behaved and friendly, with top grades in all subjects, Jared was a model student and he couldn't think of any reason why Mr. Beaver wanted to talk to him, during a test of all times.

Yet, when the secretary led Jared into the headmaster's office and Jared saw Donna sitting on the visitor's chair, an untouched glass of water in her hand, Jared knew instantly that something was wrong. Weirdly, his first thought was that something had happened to Jensen, that there had been an accident during PE or chemistry or that he had disappeared or had been kidnapped. An ice-cold hand ghosted over his chest, freezing his heart and causing him to shiver, while his skin came up with goosebumps, despite the warm temperatures in the room. Pictures were running through his mind of his best friend, gravely injured, fighting for his life or even worse, dead.

“What happened?” Jared squeezed out, numb with fear.

Donna's eyes were red-rimmed and moist with liquid as she fought for composure, unsure how she could bear the earth-shattering news gently. “Jared, darling,” she started, her voice trembling, “it's your parents.”

For one glorious second, Jared was unbelievably relieved that nothing had happened to Jensen. He would still kick his ass on the X-box, ride his bike with Jensen by his side or fall asleep next to him tonight, his warm, familiar body close, with only his grandma's blanket a thin barrier between the two friends. Then though, Donna's words penetrated his mind, and fear washed the relief away, petrifying Jared once again.

A tear slipped down Donna's face, and even before she told him the grave news, Jared knew, his parents were dead. “They were flying from Rome to Paris this morning and their plane crashed down. There are no survivors. I'm so sorry, sweetheart.”

Tears filled his eyes and Jared nodded, feeling cold, numb, nauseous and dizzy as the truth hit him like a shock-wave. His parents were gone. Killed in a plane crash, far away from home. Never again would his mom hug him and brush her hands through his bangs. Never again would his dad go fishing with him, clap his shoulder and tell Jared how proud they were. Never again would they celebrate birthdays, Christmases and Thanksgiving. A whimper escaped from the depth of Jared's throat and he felt himself being wrapped into Donna's arms, pressed against her chest where she held him tightly, for moments, minutes, or hours, while Jared sobbed, sniffed, and howled, for the loss of his parents, in fear and confusion.

Only when the stream of tears had run dry, turning into harsh sobs, did Donna lead Jared out of the school and into her car. Wordlessly, she drove him home, brought him into Jensen's bedroom that had been Jared's for the last three weeks, too. She watched how he changed into comfortable pajamas and tucked him in, making sure that he had his blanket. “I called Jensen, sweetie. He'll be with you soon.”

***

Jensen jumped off his bike and rushed into the house, ignoring his mom who was sitting at the kitchen table, dabbing her eyes with a Kleenex, and taking two steps at once as he stormed upstairs. Only when he had reached his bedroom did Jensen pause. 

Heart thrumming against his chest, his dark brown cotton tee wet with sweat, because he had cycled quicker than ever before, and his own cheeks puffy from the tears he had cried, Jensen hesitated for a bit. Just enough to wipe his face and take a deep breath, for strength and calm.

He knocked once, to make his presence known to Jared, before he opened the door and slipped into his room. It looked just like this morning, yet everything had changed. His best friend had lost his parents, his mother, her best friend and Jensen, two adults he had been looking up to while he had grown up.

Head buried into the pillow and his blankie pressed against his chest, Jared was lying on Jensen's bed, wearing his pjs, his small body trembling. Jared was still tiny compared to other twelve-year-old boys and never before had he seemed more vulnerable. Not even when he had broken his collarbone two years ago and had needed surgery, or had his appendectomy at the age of eight and Jensen had visited him in the hospital, horribly scared that he would lose him, just like he had lost his grandma when she had been admitted to that same hospital but had never returned.

Quickly, Jensen changed into his own nightwear, joining Jared in bed. Saying nothing at all, he scooted as close as possible, curling his arm around Jared before tugging the cover over them. As Jensen moved his arm up and down Jared's back, he felt his body shaken by silent sobs and it broke his heart. There was nothing much he could do but bear him company, sharing Jared's grief and conveying everything he felt with gentle fingers.

Eventually, Jared changed his position, pressing his tearstained face against Jensen's chest, Jensen cocooning him with his arm, holding Jared, like he had held him all his life. “I'm here, midget,” Jensen promised. “Let it all out, it's okay.”

Feeling numb and all empty, apart from desperation and fear, Jared was grateful for the warm, solid wall of his best friend's chest, the arm that held him and his soothing voice. It was like balm on his soul, lessening the numbness just a tad and he snuggled against Jensen, totally unaware of how unusual that was, because Jensen and him, they had always been like that.

“They're gone, Jen,” Jared sobbed with a very scratchy, hoarse voice. “I'm scared.” All was blackness, pulling him down in a deep, dark hole made of desperation. Pictures in his mind were torturing him, of a destroyed plane, debris and dead bodies everywhere, two of them his parents, their bodies mutilated, not recognizable any longer. Questions were running through Jared's mind, about their last minutes on earth, if they had been as scared as Jared was now, if they had screamed or cried, or if they had just held hands, thinking about their only son as they died and the happy moments they had as a family.

Jensen let his fingers glide over Jared's neck. “I understand, Jare. We take it step by step. Day by day. Together,” Jensen promised, pressing his lips against Jared's forehead. Just like Jared, he needed this closeness now. “You can always count on me. I'm here, midget.” His hand moved upwards, combing through Jared's hair absentmindedly, soothing Jared and comforting himself with doing so. “You should try to sleep. Let me just get you something to drink. I can see how drained you are.”

“Please Jen, don't go,” Jared begged. Jensen was his life-belt, a warm, friendly body to hold on to, who'd made sure that that horribly dark hole wouldn't swallow him completely. “Don't leave me alone.”

Jensen's already broken heart was cracking in even tinier pieces as he noticed the anxiety and vulnerability in his best friend's voice. Never before had he seen Jared like that and it made him turn on full best-friend and big-brother mode. “I won't leave you, okay? I'll just go to the door and call Mom.”

His eyes steadily on Jared, Jensen got up and walked to the bedroom door. It wasn't even properly closed, and Jensen opened it enough to call his mom, asking her for some provisions. Once that was done Jensen crawled back into bed with Jared, who placed his head against Jensen's chest instantly, clinging onto him like a little ape.

It catapulted Jensen back to his early childhood, when Jared had climbed onto him pretty much all the time, sitting on his lap and burying his head in his chest and his small fists into his back. It caused a weird feeling in Jensen's belly, despite the grave situation, something warm and fluttery that spread through his whole body.

At fifteen, Jensen knew that the extent of their friendship was very unusual. Chris and Steve, good buddies of his who sometimes came by, lifted their brows in surprise when they saw how physical Jared and Jensen were. Once or twice, they had called it gay, and ever since, Jensen had wondered if maybe he really was gay, or if he was gay for Jared, but then he brushed the thought away, because this here? It had nothing to do with attraction or sex, but with platonic love and a very tight bond most people never found with anyone in their life.

Less than five minutes after Jensen had called his mom, Donna carried a tray with provisions into the room. The sight of the two boys cuddled together tugged at her heartstrings, but just like Steve and Chris, she wondered if it maybe meant more than just friendship. She made a mental note to talk to Jensen about it when this all was over. Not that she minded. She loved her son, wanted him to be happy, and if it was Jared who made him happy, or another man, it was okay for her and Alan.

“Here you go,” Donna said as she placed the tray onto Jensen's desk. School was important, yet she had already called him in sick for the rest of the week, knowing that Jensen would go nowhere if Jared was in such a bad state. She poured Jared a glass of water and handed him a small pill. “Take this, darling. It's valerian. It will help you calm down a little.”

Jared took the pill without question, downing it with two deep drafts of water, only now, as the liquid hit his throat, noticing how thirsty he was. Not only that. A headache was knocking against his skull painfully and he felt more than tired, but drained. As if a vampire had sucked out his joy and energy instead of his blood. “Can I have more?”

Donna filled the glass again, watching as Jared emptied it as quickly as the first one. “Anything else you need?”

“Something for my head, maybe? And Jensen.”

The request made Jensen all warm inside. Smiling sady, he placed his hand against Jared's chest, rubbing the small torso gently. “You heard me, Jare. I'm here. Not going anywhere.”

Big hazel eyes swimming in liquid nodded gratefully and Jared's still small hand curled around Jensen's wrist, holding on tightly. The boys stayed like that, until Donna came back with a paracetamol in her palm she offered Jared with another glass of water. Jared took it, hoping that the med would do its job quickly, then he made himself comfortable in the bed, pressing the blanket against his chest.

Jensen curled himself around Jared, spooning him from behind, his hand closed over Jared's. “Try to sleep, midget. You're safe.”

For a long time, Jensen held his best friend like that, breathing in and out with him, watching Jared sleep until he carefully let go. He hated to leave him, but nature called and he needed to talk to his mom. There were questions bugging him, important questions that scared him too, and he needed to be prepared when Jared asked them.

On tiptoes, Jensen left his bedroom, careful not to wake up Jared, sneaking down the steps to use the bathroom on the first floor. Once that was done, he followed the sounds from the TV into the living room. A glass with an amber liquid in her slightly trembling hand, his mother's blotchy face was fixed at the screen where a news reporter was standing at a scene of disaster. In the background, part of a burnt out plane could be seen, debris was strewn over the rocky, mountainous ground and firemen were clearing wreckage away. The man was reporting the so far known facts, but Jensen didn't really listen to it, too shocked by the pictures and too stirred by the knowledge that Sherri and Gerry had lost their lives in that skeleton of a plane.

“Mom?” Jensen asked with a small voice, sitting down on the sofa next to his mom.

“Come here, darling.” Donna placed the glass with whiskey on the coffee table to enfold her son in her arms.

“I can't believe they are gone.” Jensen snuggled against his mother, not caring one bit that he was fifteen years old and too old to cuddle with his mom. “It's such a big loss. For all of us. Most of all for Jare. He is devastated and so, so scared, Mom. What will happen to him, now?”

Biting her lips, Donna looked into her son's emerald eyes, hating to bear the news, knowing that it will rip both boys apart. “He'll go live with his aunt in Washington State, dear.”

“No!” The pain Jensen felt as those two letters escaped his lips was all-consuming, worse than any cut, sore or broken bone Jensen had ever sustained. “You can't tear us apart! Can't he stay with us, Mom? How can we let Jared go? He's family.” Tears clouded Jensen's eyes, the thought alone about losing Jared paralyzing him. It was unthinkable, not to see Jared daily, not to listen to him when he talked a mile a minute, with his hazel eyes shining brightly and his hands moving through the air until sooner or later they came to rest on Jensen's arm, shoulder or chest.

“He is, but he isn't, darling. Martha is his family. I called her earlier. She'll fly in tomorrow, stay here until the end of term, will sort out everything, especially custody for Jared, the funeral and his inheritance, but then, she will take Jared to Orcas Island, Jensen. She's his kin. His godmother. And we both know, Jared will be in very good hands with her.”

Jensen didn't doubt that. He knew Jared's Aunt Martha, had actually already spent several wonderful, adventurous summers with Jared in the lighthouse on Orcas Island, but Washington State was so far away. “Mom -”

“It's not up for discussion, darling,” Donna said gently, yet with a very heavy heart. She would have taken Jared in without batting an eyelash, would have given him a home and a family, but she didn't have anything to say in that matter. The moment she had brought the news to Martha, the older woman had stated that she would of course give her nephew a new home. “But you can always visit each other. Talk on the phone. It's only miles, Jensen. Jared will always be close to your heart.”

***

Jensen knew his mother was right. Jared would always be close to his heart. Yet, the thought that he would lose Jared, and most of all, that Jared would lose him, after he had already lost his parents, numbed Jensen. With his head bowed, he climbed back up the stairs and sneaked into his bedroom, where Jared was slumbering peacefully, thankfully not bugged by nightmares. They would probably come soon enough.

Opening the window, to let in some fresh air, as if the soft breeze could blow away both their pain and sorrow, Jensen stared into the bright day, realizing that their days were numbered now. It was as shocking as the news about Sherri and Gerry's death and the image of a life without his daily dose of Jared broke Jensen's heart in even tinier pieces and caused a cold that not even the mild spring temperatures could chase away.

Sniffing once, Jensen climbed back into his bed, curled himself around Jared again and held him gently. “You'll always be close to my heart, midget. Always.”

Now

Orcas Island, October 2020

Silently, Jared closed the door, and curling his arm around Jensen's shoulder, led him into the living room that looked far from cozy, with papers and crumbs covering the sofa and floor, with bottles and plates with leftovers strewn over the surfaces. There was an antique chest where Martha had kept spare blankets and Jared opened it, placing it over Jensen's back. His bearded face was red from the cold, his teeth were chattering, and his fingers, as red as his cheeks, stiff. Still not saying a word, Jared looked at the boy who had grown into a breathtakingly beautiful man, yet not only seeing his beauty, but his sadness. Fine laughter lines framed his eyes, yet they seemed deeper than a canyon and the once so beautiful sparkling jade eyes were dull and hopeless.

Releasing a shaky breath, Jared went into the kitchen, pouring a generous amount of milk into the pot, heating it over low heat, busying himself with putting cutlery and tableware into the dishwasher, cleaning some of the mess away. Keeping his hands occupied helped against the confusion that had settled into his heart the moment he had laid eyes on his once best friend. All those feelings, good and bad ones, all those questions. It granted Jared much needed time to overcome the shock of having Jensen sitting in his living room. Ten long years. An unbelievable stretch of time for two teenage boys who promised to never let go and always have each other's back.

When the milk was warm enough, Jared poured it into two big mugs, sweetening both portions with a teaspoon of honey and a pinch of cinnamon.

“Drink,” Jared prompted, offering one of the mugs to Jensen who took it gladly. “It will heat you up nicely. I'll run you a bath and get your room ready.”

There were several guest rooms in the building and in summer, Jared rented them to tourists, but never the room Jared and Jensen had spent so many happy moments in. The air in Jared's old bedroom was stale and cool, because it was neither aired nor heated, but the surfaces were clean and the linens fresh. Claire, who came once a week and helped Jared with household stuff, made sure of it. Half-a-dozen photos of Jared and Jensen were sitting on the chest of drawers, showing a friendship through the years. Two boys growing up together, their arms wrapped around each other, heads touching, hands on knees or chests. Proof of a tight bond that back then had seemed unshakable. And in a way, it was. Despite everything, Jensen still meant something to Jared.

Like on autopilot, Jared opened the windows, got towels out of the closet and brought them into the en-suite bathroom. He turned on the faucet and let hot water thunder into the tub that hadn't been used in years, even got the lavender bath oil from his own bathroom over and put a generous amount into it, the scent calming him down at once.

When Jared came back into the living room, Jensen had long finished his mug of milk, sitting on the sofa like a picture of misery, shivering from the cold that must have seeped into his bones, his hands clawed into the soft blanket.

“I'm here, Jen.” Jared placed his hands over Jensen's as he said this, remembering a frightened boy who had just learned that his parents had died. Now it seemed that Jensen was this frightened boy and their roles were reversed. “Let it all out, it's okay.”

Jensen was beyond tears. Not only had he cried more than ever before in his life, but the last weeks had hardened him, had taken his belief in the goodness of people and justice away. Besides, he didn't even know where to start. It had been too big, too earth-shattering, and too cruel and unfair. Yet, Jared's touch grounded him and gave him a bit of peace. Caused hope in a world that lost all its color for Jensen.

Carefully, unsure if it was okay, Jensen placed his head against Jared's shoulder and then, warm arms wrapped him in. Arms that were stronger than ever before, that pulled him against Jared's chest and covered him with comfort. “I don't even know where to begin, Jare.”

“You don't have to begin at all, Jen. It's okay. You tell me once you're ready or never at all. No strings attached. Me and the lighthouse? We are still your safe haven.”

Jensen knew he didn't deserve it. Not after the pain and heartache he had caused Jared, but he didn't object, and took what Jared was willing to give gladly. Starved for touches, it was heavenly to find himself in Jared's arms, to feel his defined chest against his cheek and the steady rise and fall of his breathing. “There is much to talk about,” Jensen stated, because there really was a lot. About what had happened that summer ten years ago, the mistakes Jensen had made and their lives ever since.

“But not now, Jen. Whatever happened, and I can see it's something massive, you first try to calm down. Get warm. And from then on, we take it step by step, and day by day.” It had helped Jared when his parents had died, and he was sure it would help Jensen now, too. Squeezing Jensen once again, Jared got up, took Jensen's bag and led the way upstairs, Jensen following him slowly into Jared's old bedroom.

He watched Jensen strip off his jacket and shoes, and when the hoodie was gone, he saw the scar on his wrist, recognizing it instantly for what it was. It was fresh, barely healed. Tears blurred his eyes, the truth overwhelming, numbing him, almost like all those years ago when he learned the truth about his parents. Whatever had happened must have been bigger than massive if Jensen had thought that there only was one way out, and for a moment, Jared felt pretty much overwhelmed by it. Then he remembered the promise he had given Jensen just minutes ago. Step by step. They would get there. “Have your bath, Jen.”

Jared's eyes followed Jensen, and once he had closed the door to the bathroom and stripped off his remaining clothes, Jensen could hear Jared's steps scurrying around the bedroom before he left. Only then did Jensen step into the tub, the steaming water a violet color, the scent of lavender strong and comforting in his nose. As he glided deeper into the water, the temperature so hot that it turned his skin red instantly, Jensen moved his hand over his torso, shocked when he felt his ribs. He had dropped far too much weight in the past months, had been anorexic ever since that first visit from the cops almost a year ago. The clothes hid it well enough, even from his own eyes, but now, as Jensen felt it, it gave him the creeps.

Carefully, Jensen let a fleecy washcloth run over his body before he closed his eyes and submerged, the warm water closing him in. He could hear his own heartbeat, although his heart was long broken, felt it strongly as he pressed his hand against his chest and emerged before he ran out of oxygen, the will to live suddenly strong again. Without batting an eyelash, Jared had taken him in, not hesitating, not asking one thing. Despite everything, he was still there; the rock he had always been. It was enough to kindle a flame of hope in the desolate darkness his soul was trapped in.

From downstairs, Jensen could hear Jared rummaging around, maybe cleaning the mess away, carrying plates, bowls and cutlery into the kitchen, wiping over surfaces or even swiping the floor. Eventually, Jensen could hear the soft vibrations of music sounding through the house and he closed his eyes, tried to relax, drifting off into a light snooze.

A knock on the door ripped Jensen out of his slumber and he found himself lying in only lukewarm water, yet more at ease than he had been for a while. Draining the water, he quickly had a shower to wash the oil out of his hair with some shampoo, and wrapped his body into a heavenly soft and fine smelling towel once he stepped out of the tub.

When Jensen entered the bedroom, warmth from the heating enveloped him, a glass and a bottle of chilled water was standing on the nightstand and Jared was leaning in the door-frame, wearing nothing but pajama pants that were riding low on his hips and a tight black tee that hugged his body in all the right places. It was impossible not to notice how handsome Jared was and how the fifteen-year-old lanky boy had grown into a very fine, attractive man in his mid-twenties.

Jared felt Jensen's look on him and while it conjured a smile upon his face and made him tingly inside, it also hurt that only now Jensen saw Jared as what he was. He knew that it was superficial. It was just looks. Other qualities counted so much more, values he had all his life and yet, for years, Jared had hoped that Jensen actually saw him. Saw something else in him than the brother who was not blood and the best friend forever; the toddler who had followed Jensen wherever he went and put his arms around him whenever he could or the boy who clung to Jensen after he had lost his parents.

Yet, as confusing thoughts and ideas snuck into Jared's mind, he quickly pushed them away. Now was not the right time. This wasn't about himself and his feelings for Jensen, or what had happened a decade ago. Now it was just about Jensen. About a man who used to be sassy, silly, yet so smart, confident and likable, yet came back to him broken and only a shadow of himself. It was important to give Jensen what he had come here for; a place to heal and to feel safe and most of all, friendship. Besides, there was Neil and inwardly, Jared groaned, thinking about what he would say about his new houseguest. Not that Jared owed Neil anything. They weren't boyfriends, not really. They kissed, made out, fucked, but it wasn't love. Jared barely did love. How could he, when his heart belonged to someone else, although that someone was unreachable?

“I um, wanted to make sure that you're okay. That you have everything you need.”

“I'm good, I think,” Jensen said, feeling a little vulnerable and naked, only clad by the light green towel that matched the tiles in the bathroom perfectly, feeling Jared's eyes on him. Warm and soft. Gentle, yet with a hint of sadness in them. “Thank you,” Jensen added, as he started to rummage around in his duffle for a pair of fresh briefs and one of the two pajamas he had packed. Despite burning his bridges when boarding that plane today, Jensen had only packed necessities; everything else he had stored in a storage unit in a shady area of San Antonio.

“Nothing to thank me for, Jen,” Jared said, brushing the comment away with a flick of his hand. It was a given to help. “I know it's complicated but in the end, you are my oldest friend. No matter why you came, you are welcome. You ask for help or a friend and you get it. It's as easy as that.”

Throat constricted and really touched by Jared's words, Jensen nodded before he disappeared into the bathroom again, where he leaned his forehead against the cool tiles, taking some deep breaths and fighting against the tears that were coming to his eyes. Jared's hospitality made him very humble. Truth be told, if the roles had been reversed, Jensen wouldn't have been sure if he would have been that welcoming and most of all, forgiving. Jared really was a good guy; one of God's better people, his heart as big as he was tall.

Only when Jensen was sure that his eyes were dry did he get dressed into his nightwear and brush his teeth before he toweled his hair as dry as he could.

When Jensen came back into the room, Jared was leaning casually against the door-frame again, yet now he held a hot water bottle in his left and a fleece blanket in his right hand. Feeling a little awkward, unsure what to do, Jensen stayed where he was, standing in the middle of the room, the old carpet soft underneath his naked feet, looking at Jared with narrowed eyes. Exhaustion had long taken the upper hand, and in spite of the hot bath, Jensen was cold. It seemed as if Jared knew or guessed, because he came closer, wrapping the blanket around his body and guiding him to bed.

“Go to sleep, Jen. You're safe here, you know that.” Jared pulled back the cover, watching how Jensen slipped into the bed, a melancholic smile on his face as he remembered the countless times they had shared their beds with a matter of course until hormones and feelings had gotten between them. As he gently placed the hot water bottle into Jensen's arms, Jared said, “If there is anything you need, anything at all, you come see me, ok? Don't be shy.” His fingers moved over Jensen's shoulder and down his arms before he tucked him in. “Sleep tight, Jen. And um,” he paused, smiling down at his old friend, still amazed that Jensen, who was so much more than just his oldest friend, was there, “welcome back. It's good to have you here.”

***

It was almost noon when Jensen joined Jared in the kitchen, wearing baggy, old gray sweatpants and a long-sleeve tee that didn't camouflage the weight loss. His hair was tousled, and the too long beard was gone, revealing gaunt cheeks and too pale skin, the caramel freckles quite prominent. The sight tugged at Jared's heartstrings and the urge to hug Jensen was strong, yet Jared held himself back, unsure if it was okay to hug, if hugging was still allowed, with everything that stood between them.

Instead of a hug, Jared gifted Jensen with his thousand-watt-smile, wishing him “Good Morning”, before he started to prepare breakfast for both of them. Lots of coffee, fried eggs and bacon, slices of bread with spreads, some fruit. “Tuck in, Jen,” Jared prompted as he placed the plate with the eggs and bacon in front of Jensen.

Jensen wasn't really hungry, but he knew he needed to eat properly again and he felt Jared's eyes on him, so he ate his eggs and the four slices of bacon on his plate, washed them down with coffee and even had a slice of bread with cream cheese, while Jared wolfed down huge amounts of food in between long drafts of coffee or orange juice.

Once Jensen had finished his breakfast, the silence between them grew a little uncomfortable and Jensen played nervously with his napkin, still unsure where to start. With the prosecution? His parents? Brendon? Thinking about it, Jensen wasn't quite sure where or when the story of doom had started and which decisions had eventually set the ball rolling. Maybe instead of telling Jared about his life, he should ask how Jared was holding up and about the man who had kissed Jared briefly last night? A sight that had somehow confused Jensen, though he knew that he had no right at all to be confused by a man kissing his best friend.

“Jen?” Jared's hand was a warm weight on his own. “Is everything okay?”

Jensen shook his head. Nothing was okay, and he admitted just that. “My life's a mess, Jare.”

“You can tell me, but you don't have to. That's up to you, Jensen, but if you do, I promise I won't judge you.”

“You can't know this. It's bad.”

“I thought so, Jen.” He gently lifted the hand, brushing his thumb over the scar on Jensen's wrist. The touch, light as a feather, mended something, caused Jensen to take in a deep breath and made him strangely emotional. “But I've known you all my life, Jensen. I know that there is nothing evil in you.”

Jensen's face crumpled. “How can you say this? I treated you like shit, Jared.”

“One bad act doesn't erase all the good you did for me, Jen.”

“It's not that easy,” Jensen tried to object. He had ripped out Jared's heart, had laughed him in the face and had tromped on it.

“It is, at least for me. Look, Jen. I'm not saying that what happened between us was a bagatelle, because it wasn't.” A shadow crept over Jared's face as he remembered it, but he quickly pushed the memories away. “But it's been ten years. I don't want to live in the past, Jensen. I want to live in the present, look into the future. What we had? Our friendship? It was amazing. Awesome. Astounding. We can have that again. You know that, too. Otherwise you wouldn't have come. You said you need a friend. You know I am that friend, Jensen.”

“I wasn't sure if you would welcome me, Jare. I must have stood outside your house for at least an hour once I noticed that there was a party going on. Hid first behind the cars, then behind the rhododendron.”

Jared's face fell. The idea had snuck into his mind, when he had seen how chilled Jensen was, yet, hearing it was still something different. “Jen -”

“What I did was inexcusable, Jared. You were my best friend and I treated you like scum.”

“You treated me like the little brother I was for you,” Jared shot back, tilting his head and looking at Jensen openly. “I had ten years to think about it, Jensen, and the older I got the more I understood. I survived and I healed. I'm good. We are good, Jen.” Jared placed his hand above his heart, to underline his words. “Let me give you a hug, okay?”

Jensen didn't deserve any of that and yet, he couldn't object. It seemed as if Jared wouldn't accept it anyways, because he got up, coming around the kitchen table and towering above him. Not threatening, but inviting. Freakishly tall, with kind, hazel eyes, his cheeks shadowy and strong, a hint of his dimples growing in them, because he was smiling slightly. Opened arms that wanted to feel his best friend again.

There was a weird hole in Jensen's gut and he was nervous, but he didn't hesitate much longer. As he got up, he was instantly pulled against Jared's chest and enveloped by his arms. Just like kid Jared had fit so perfectly into Jensen's arms, adult Jensen now fit perfectly into Jared's. It felt right, absolutely perfect. It felt like memories, of cupcakes, lemonade or hot milk, of summer days straying through the woods of Orcas Island and rainy days spent in front of the fireplace or curled up together in their bed, talking, laughing and dreaming. “I can't believe you're taller than me now, midget,” Jensen stated, his voice oozing with affection that was still very strong.

“Guess that makes me the big brother now, huh?” Jared replied, holding Jensen a tad tighter. His obvious sadness and the weight loss gave Jensen a vulnerable look and Jared wanted nothing but to protect his friend and chase this sadness away. “I'll take good care of you.” He pressed a tiny kiss against Jensen's hairline briefly. “How about you get yourself comfortable on the sofa? I'll light us a fire and then, we talk? You make the rules, Jen,” Jared promised when he felt that Jensen stiffened just a little. “We can talk about anything or nothing at all, okay?”

Jensen nodded against Jared's chest, snuggling a little closer. It was good to be held like that, in a real, tight, genuine hug given in love and friendship. It had been months since  Jensen had been hugged like that, and he felt not only some of the strain, but also some of his resistance melting away, realizing that he could trust Jared. Just like he had trusted him all his life.

***

Wrapped into a blanket, Jensen was lying on the sofa, gliding in and out of sleep. Soft music was sounding from the kitchen where Jared was busy cleaning away the rest of the mess from his Halloween party. Of course, Jensen had offered to help, but Jared had brushed it away with a gesture of his hand, steering him to the couch, wrapping him into a blanket and providing him with a bottle of water and a plate filled with chocolate chip cookies that made Jensen's mouth water, whenever the scent of chocolate whiffed into his nose. Memories became dreams, and he was just dreaming about his childhood, when Jared joined him on the sofa, placing his feet into his lap, tickling his sole slightly before imprisoning the feet in his hands, because they felt too cold. It was really nice, the way Jared teased his toes and although he was still half asleep, Jensen wiggled them, causing Jared to chuckle.

“Remember our pillow fights, Jen?” Jared asked, because they had often started like that, one boy tickling the other and had ended in a fierce, boyish brawl, their laughter often so hard that it had caused tears.

“Yeah,” Jensen said thoughtfully, moving his hands over the blanket. “Jare? My mom and dad died.”

The news felt like a punch. While Jared hadn't seen Donna and Alan Ackles for ten years, just like their son, he had never once forgotten their kindness. They had treated him like their second son and had always welcomed him with open arms. To learn about their death grieved Jared greatly. “Gosh Jen,” Jared gasped, strengthening his hold around Jensen's feet. “I'm so sorry for your loss.” Jensen and his parents had been very close. “Why didn't you tell me?” Jared tried to keep any accusation out of his voice when he asked that. “I'd have loved to pay them my respect.”

“They died two years ago, Jared. And um, we weren't -” He bit his lips. “You know how it was between us. Until yesterday. Cards for Christmas and birthdays. Meaningless texts. Calls that ended after three painful minutes. Awkward attempts to keep a friendship alive I guess we both were sure was dead. Mom would have loved to see us reconcile over her grave, but I,” Jensen shrugged, “it just seemed the wrong time, you know. I was in a relationship and I,” Jensen rubbed his hands over his face. This was damn awkward. “I didn't want to hurt you, Jare. I wanted to save you from seeing me and Brandon together.”

“How thoughtful of you,” Jared said with a hint of irony in it, but Jensen decided to ignore it. He knew it had been too little, too late and he had betrayed Jared's love, friendship, and trust.

Jared wiped his eyes, sure that Jensen would start to weep, too, if he lost control of his emotions, and he wanted to spare his friend any more tears. “I still would have liked to say farewell. Your parents were good people. Always treated me like their own kid. What happened?”

“Car crash on the interstate visiting friends in Austin,” Jensen explained with a neutral voice, fighting to keep his emotions at bay. “For all the cops could find out, they died pretty much instantly. That was some comfort, actually, knowing that they didn't have to suffer or were scared.”

“Yeah,” Jared agreed thoughtfully, rubbing his hand up and down Jensen's lower leg absently. Sometimes he still had nightmares about his parents, burning in that plane. Not knowing how long they had actually suffered, if it had been seconds or long, cruel minutes, still haunted Jared. “Now we're both orphans, Jen.” He smiled at his friend sadly. “I wish I could have done for you what you did for me.”

“It's okay. You can help me now.” Jensen paused, rubbing his hand over his face, whispering, “Compared to what happened in the last months, my parents dying in that car was a walk in the park.”

Jared swallowed hard. He knew what he had said, but still, Jared couldn't help but wonder what had happened. What could have been so bad that his parents' death by accident had been so much easier to take?

“I will tell you, Jared.” Of course, Jensen would. Not that he wanted to talk about it, but it just seemed fair, since Jared had offered him shelter. “Now, I'd like to go outside, stretch my legs and catch some air. Would that be okay?”

Skeptically, Jared was looking outside. The sky was one thick smokey-gray cloud and the wind was strong, tearing at the naked branches, whipping the sea against the cliffs on both sides of the lighthouse dramatically. But Jared could use a bit of fresh air and exercise himself and besides, he had some errands to run in the village. “Do you feel up for some grocery shopping? I need to refill the supplies, now I have a second belly to feed.” Jared placed his hand on said belly, shocked how sunken in it was and rubbed it gently. “You're far too skinny, dude.”

“It's part of the story, Jared,” Jensen hinted, placing his hand over Jared's. There was a weird sparkle between them but it felt good, cupping Jared's hand. It was huge nowadays, the fingers long and elegant, moving over the soft material of his tee gently, sending warmth into his belly. “And sure I feel up for grocery shopping. Let's go.”

***

It felt strangely domestic, walking down the aisles of the small grocery store with Jensen, filling the shopping cart with treats, just like in that last summer when Jensen had visited him and Aunt Martha had allowed Jared to buy whatever they wanted. Yet, other than then, Jensen was very quiet next to him, not looking at the displayed goods but looking through them, obviously lost in his thoughts. When Jared asked whether he preferred beef or turkey, Jensen just ahumed, so Jared took both, just like pork, leaving Jensen to his thoughts.

Jensen was still not talking when Jared started the engine again and drove to a small beach on the east sound, where the wind was not quite as strong, the waves not that high and a trail led along the coast, but not too close. Slipping into his mittens and wrapping his scarf around his neck, Jared got out of the car, Jensen following him. He was wearing Aunt Martha's old outdoor jacket and almost got lost in it, despite his height, because Martha had been at least twice as broad as Jensen.

They walked down the beach and over to where the trail started, the wind tugging at their clothes and biting their faces but Jensen still enjoyed it. No fences, walls, or doors that locked him in. Fresh, clean air, not the smell of unwashed bodies. Peace and quiet and calm, not anxiety, fear or pain. It was good walking side by side with Jared, his oldest friend, who had grown into such a wonderful, generous man. Far better than Brandon, David or Mitch. Jared deserved to know the truth and he deserved to hear it now, so that he could decide whether Jensen was worth the trouble.

“After college, I became a kindergarten teacher,” Jensen reported neutrally. “I know, an unusual choice for a guy but I've always enjoyed working with kids of all ages, at church, in the neighborhood, at school.”

Jared nodded. Actually, he wasn't that surprised with his career choice. Jensen had always taken good care of him, even when both of them had been just small kids, and he had started to help younger kids when he was barely ten years old.

“Last November, several parents accused me of sexual assault.” The wind carried the words away quickly and it helped that Jared was still walking side by side, not looking at him, just listening to Jensen. “I swear, I didn't do it. Never once in my life did I touch a kid in my care inappropriately. Yet, no one believed me. It was three families against me, an openly gay man, the only male kindergarten teacher. I was a very easy prey.” Moistening his lips, Jensen paused, surprised when Jared's hand found his, holding it strongly. It was comforting and reassuring, telling Jensen that Jared believed him without doubt.

“There was a trial and I was convicted to five years, Jare. Prison was hell. Forget everything they say in cop shows. It's ten times worse. I was threatened, spat at, knocked around, injured. Almost daily.” Biting his lips, Jensen closed his eyes briefly, the pictures in his mind as vivid as if it had been yesterday. “After six weeks, I broke. I got my hands onto a toothbrush made into a blade and cut my wrist. Pure coincidence that I survived.” Jensen still was unsure whether he should be grateful for that second chance in life or not, though with Jared by his side, it was better already.

“That was seven weeks ago. Somehow, one of the families who had pressed charges got wind of my suicide attempt. Seemed that they had still had a hint of conscience in them, because they told the police it had been all a lie. Their motive? Hate. They didn't want a gay man to teach their kids.” Jensen shook his head, pressing his fingernails into his palm. It helped against the disbelief and incomprehension he still felt.

“I was released and cleared of all charges, yet, I am stained. The papers in San Antonio were full of it. Everyone knows my name and the fact that I was wrongly accused was by far not as big a story as the evil gay kindergarten teacher assaulting little boys. Long-time friends turned their backs on me. Brandon, my fiance? Left me the minute it got ugly, Jare. Weirdly, he didn't have a problem believing any of those accusations.”

Jared took in a sharp breath, tightening his grip around Jensen's hand. He was lost for words. What could he possibly say? Were there even words to take Jensen's pain away and to make up for what had happened to him?

“The looks people threw at me when I was released from the clinic? As if I was scum, Jare, worse than scum actually. The whispers behind my back? The accusations on the walls of my house, written in big red letters? My life lay in pieces and I had no other chance than to burn my bridges. I admit, I was reluctant to come. Unsure how you'd react. Ten years are a long time, even without the memories of that summer's night, Jare. On the other hand, I remembered our friendship and our promises and I -”

“I'm glad you're here, Jen,” Jared remarked, squeezing Jensen's hand once more. “What you just told me? It doesn't change a thing, Jen. I mean, of course it changed your world, but I'm not looking at you any differently or thinking badly of you. Maybe sometime, in a month or a year or in ten, you'll tell me what exactly happened, but I know you, Jen. I know that you'd never molest a kid. Would never hurt or threaten them, let alone abuse them.”

Finally, Jared stopped, looking at Jensen openly. Relief had softened his anxious expression and tears of gratefulness blurred Jensen's eyes. “You can stay as long as you want, Jen,” Jared promised, drawing Jensen against his chest and holding him tightly. “I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry this happened to you. Yet, I'm grateful that you came. That we finally get the chance to reconcile and be friends again.”

Jensen hadn't seen it like that before but right now, warmly snuggled against Jared's body, he realized Jared was right. Had it not happened, Jensen would be married by now; to a man who left him the moment it got difficult. And Jared would be nothing more but an old childhood friend Jensen hadn't seen for a decade. Jensen would have continued to write him the occasional meaningless mail and impersonal holiday greeting until eventually, one of them would have stopped doing just that, and the last of their friendship would have finally faded away. They were shocking thoughts that made Jensen sad and as he pressed his thumb into the scar on his wrist he understood that surviving had been a gift, not a curse and that the chance to be friends with Jared again was something worth living for.

Then

San Antonio, August 2007

It was their last day together and it felt like their last day on earth. The thought that tomorrow by the same time, Jared would be stepping into the lighthouse on Orcas Island and would call it home from then on was mind-blowing, tightening Jared's chest.

He loved Aunt Martha. Six years older than his dad, she was a fascinating woman and her home, an old lighthouse on Orcas Island, was an equally fascinating place; full of memorabilia she had brought from countless travels around the world, full of history and mystery. The century old lighthouse was shrouded in myth, about smugglers, pirates, murder and ghosts, the area around it breathtakingly beautiful. Jared had spent eventful and unforgettable vacations there and in another life, he wouldn't have minded moving there, despite the different climate, the rain and wind and the new surroundings.

Jared was lucky that Martha had offered to take him in without batting an eyelash. Other kids who lost their parents ended up in the system, a horrible fate Jared thankfully didn't have to share. What troubled Jared was the fact that it was so very far away from Jensen. Two thousand miles. An insurmountable distance. Gone would be the days spent together with Jensen and the nights Jared snuck into the Ackles' house to curl up next to Jensen, because without him by his side, he barely found sleep. 

Life without Jensen scared Jared, simply because he feared that it would be just like it had been in the past months after he had lost his parents. That he would miss Jensen like an amputated limb, yet still would get used to not being around him. That one day he would wake up and had forgotten the sound of Jensen's voice or laughter. That he would forget how it felt like being hugged by him or the peace and calm that soothed Jared whenever Jensen placed his hand over his heart.

The thought scared Jared so much that he clawed his too long fingernails into his palm, the sharp pain somehow calming because for those few glorious moments, it chased the sadness and anxiety away.

“Don't do this, honey,” Aunt Martha said, placing the freshly laundered clothes into Jared's suitcase before she came over and gently took Jared's hands in hers. Jared's childhood home was long empty, some things stored, most of them sold, the house rented. The money would go to Jared's trust fund and would make sure that he was well set in a few years. A week ago, they had moved out, into the Ackles' home. Martha was sleeping in the guest room, Jared like always in Jensen's bed, Jensen his new favorite breathing teddy bear.

“I know this is very hard for you.” She brushed her fingers through Jared's hair. For a while, she had actually contemplated staying in San Antonio, for Jared's sake. His roots were there, his school, his friends, his Jensen. With losing his mom and dad just like that, he had lost so much already and it broke her heart to take him away to Washington State. On the other hand, the lighthouse on Orcas Island was her home, her dream, her sanctuary. She loved running the small museum and welcoming guests in her B&B, just as much as her part-time job in the local library or the occasional ghost and mystery tour she did for tourists. After conferring with Donna and Alan, they had all decided that a change of scenery would do Jared good before the fixation with Jensen became a little unhealthy. “But Jensen and you, you'll always be friends, honey. I know it's not quite the same, but you can talk on the phone, write emails and visit each other during school breaks. It will be even more special seeing him then, darling.”

Soulful eyes were looking at her from behind the mop of hair that had fallen into Jared's face and he nodded, because there really was nothing to say. The decision had long been made, and the adventurous ideas of Jensen and himself, running away and living as outcasts in the woods, were just that; chimeras of two teenage boys who were joined at the hip and would be ripped apart in a dozen hours.

“How about you go, spend your time with Jensen? I really can pack the clothes on my own, darling.”

Jared didn't object and left the guestroom, where they had stored Jared's clothes that wouldn't be transported by a mover. He joined Jensen in the backyard, where he was lying on a blanket on the ground, his naked torso wrapped into a towel, his hair wet from swimming in the pool until a few minutes ago. Eyes closed, he was listening to music, yet when Jared sat down next to him, he turned his ipod off. 

Losing Jared was heartbreaking, but just like Jared, he had accepted that the decision had been made for them. He had cried, cursed and pleaded for Jared to stay, but it had all been in vain. Now he could only enjoy the little remaining time they had.

Pulling Jared into a horizontal hug, he did just that. “'m gonna miss you, midget,” Jensen said, not for the first time. “I can't even imagine what it'll be like without you.” Other than Jared though, he was the lucky one. He still had his parents and he didn't have to leave his hometown and other friends behind. Jared had to start from the beginning and the fact that he would be moving into a lighthouse, which was surrounded by myth, was just a small comfort.

“Neither can I.” Jared placed his forehead against Jensen's shoulder. “You're like my brother, Jen,” he said in a whisper. “I don't know where or who I would be without you. You were always there. From the first moment my mom placed me into your arms, you didn't let go.” Jared sniffed. It was so unbelievably hard to say goodbye but he really wanted Jensen to know how much he loved him and how much he valued their friendship. Not that he needed to say it; Jensen knew it anyways.

“I'll still be there, Jare. Even if I can't just drop by, I'm just a phone call away. It's just miles. Our friendship is stronger than miles. I'll always have your back.”

***

That night, they went to bed together, just like every other night in the past four months, yet still, it was not the same. They were both aware of the fact that the next time they would share their bed, it would be different, that they had grown older and would have experienced things without the other. It made them both very emotional.

They stayed up late, their fingers touching, sharing memories of happier times, watching old videos both their parents had filmed. Of Jared running on very short yet strong legs towards Jensen, his arms wide open, almost knocking him over. Of Jensen's first day at school, Jared standing next to him, like a brother, looking up to him in awe because he started school and of camping trips with Alan and Gerry, in State Parks all over Texas, boys playing in rivers and roasting s'mores over the camping fire. They recalled other moments, too, of visits to the zoo or weekends spent at the ocean, barbecues or holidays. When they eventually fell asleep, they cuddled close, just like that first time Jensen had crawled into Jared's crib because touching his tiny hand had not been enough.

When the first light touched the morning sky, Donna woke up the boys. Both were too tired to make a scene. Jared just got dressed in comfortable clothes and brushed his teeth while Donna packed his remaining belongings. By the time Jared was back in Jensen's bedroom, Alan called that they needed to hurry up to make it to the airport in time.

Not having time for a long farewell, Jensen drew Jared against his chest and held him as tightly as he could. “We'll see each other at Christmas. And talk to each other very soon,” Jensen promised, rubbing his hand up and down Jared's back when he felt his shoulders jerking with heavy, sad breathing. “Stay safe, midget. Be happy. Make a bunch of new friends. But don't forget me.”

“Never,” Jared promised between two sniffs. “You'll always be my best friend forever, Jen. No matter what.”

Now

Orcas Island, November 2020

Sick with worry, Jared was looking at his watch, the fifth time in less than fifteen minutes, wondering where Jensen was. Less than a week ago and less than a week after he had arrived on Orcas Island, Jensen had announced that he needed to stretch his legs. Like on a mission, Jensen had donned warm clothes, grabbed a bottle of water and had marched out of the lighthouse, only to return six hours later. Cheeks red and perspiration glistening on his forehead, he had wolfed down his dinner and disappeared into his bedroom, where Jared could first hear the water raining down in torrents from the shower and later, a soft snore. 

The same had happened in the following couple of days and while Jared thought it a little odd, he hadn't questioned Jensen's forays through the island. Maybe it was just Jensen's way to cope. They had locked away an innocent man after all, and while Jensen hadn't specified his time in prison yet, it had affected him. Not only the sighs, moans and whimpers that sometimes echoed through the lighthouse in the night were a sure sign but his often dull, absent look. Sometimes it seemed as if Jensen had lost a part of his soul in there.

So far, Jensen had always returned before nightfall. Not today. Dawn had come early, thanks to a sea of dark-gray clouds in the sky, and the wind whipped thin threads of rain against the windows. It was a weather for coffee and cookies in front of a crackling fire, not for a hike through the woods. 

Again, Jared tried to reach Jensen's phone, but just like in the last hour, the call went straight to voicemail. Sign that Jensen either didn't bother to pick up, that he was somewhere on the island without any cell connection or that something had happened. Perhaps he had tripped, had sprained his ankle or had hit his head. “Five more minutes, Jen, then I'll call the cops.”

Just when his self-given ultimatum was elapsing, Jared's cell was ringing, but instead of Jensen's name, Neil's name was flashing over the screen. Ever since Jensen had appeared so unexpectedly in front of his door, Jared had ignored Neil, either not answering the calls or getting rid of them quite quickly, knowing very well that it was unacceptable behavior. Neil was a good guy; he deserved better than that and besides, Jared wasn't like that. He didn't treat his partners like shit. Yet, what could he possibly tell Neil? It was just too complex, and Jared himself didn't know what the next weeks or months would be like. Jared only knew that Jensen needed him. All of him. A relationship, even just sex, didn't fit into his life right now. It would be awkward, unfair, maybe even inappropriate. And while Jared loved sex, just as much as every healthy and normal twenty-five-year-old man, he wasn't only thinking with his downstairs brain. His upstairs brain often took the upper hand, and most of it his heart and his soul told him that Jensen was more important than his relationship with Neil.

Jared waited until the call was disconnected, then sent Neil a quick message and asked him to meet him at their favorite bar tomorrow afternoon. He'd do the inevitable and split up with Neil, if you could even call it that. It was the only fair and right thing to do.

Then, his thoughts were back on his missing friend. “Shit Jen, where are you?” 

Maybe he should take the car and drive along the roads? But Jensen wouldn't hike along a road, would he? He had probably taken one of the trails, and there were quite a few trails stretched over the island, many connected, like a spider web. Probably, not even the cops could do much. Orcas Island wasn't a city, but a very peaceful, sparsely populated island. Police weren't even equipped for something like that. In the one event Jared could remember, when a kid had disappeared a few years ago, they had needed reinforcements from the mainland to even manage the search. And Jensen wasn't a nine-year-old boy, but a grown-up man. Would they even bother? And what if he called the cops and somehow, they would find out why Jensen had left Texas? It was hard for Jensen as it was; if folks knew what had happened in San Antonio, they wouldn't care that Jensen was innocent. They would be biased and eye him with suspicion. The clean slate Jensen was so hoping for would fail. Jared couldn't do that to Jensen. It was a snowball's chance in hell to find him, yet he would go looking for Jensen himself, at least for now. If he hadn't found him in an hour or two, he could still call help.

Hurrying upstairs, Jared dressed in thermal clothes and packed a backpack with drinks, snacks, and first aid kit before he slipped into his outdoor clothes and his rainproof jacket. Then he scribbled a quick note to Jensen, in case he came back while Jared was gone, and placed it on the kitchen table where he couldn't miss it.

Cold air hit Jared the moment he stepped out of the lighthouse and the fine spray of the rain the qualls blew into Jared's face stung like a thousand needles. With his head bowed, Jared fought his way down the driveway leading to the main road, the strong squalls stealing his breath. It was a hopeless venture, and yet, Jared didn't turn back. Jensen deserved that one soul cared about him and that would do everything to have him back.

Jared had not even reached the main road when headlights blinded him and a truck stopped, Jim Beaver, a local fisherman living in the closest village, lowering the window. “Guess you were looking for that chucklehead, boy,” he said gruffly, pointing at the passenger seat. Only now did Jared notice that a figure was sitting on it, head bowed and body bent. “Found him three miles away, fighting against the storm and at the end of his tether.”

“Thank God, Jim!” Jared called, releasing a relieved breath and being unbelievably grateful that he had Jensen back relatively unharmed. “Would you -”

“Sure. Jump in.”

It wasn't far, so Jared just jumped onto the very wet but empty bed of the truck, getting a good shaking as Jim made his way towards the lighthouse. Once Jim had stopped his truck, Jared jumped off the bed, hurrying to the passenger door and reaching out his hand for Jensen to take it. It was an icicle, too numb to curl the mittened fingers around Jared's and when Jared pulled Jensen out of the car, he noticed that Jim hadn't exaggerated. His friend was really at the end of his tether, barely able to keep himself on his legs.

Jared waved once and called his heartfelt thanks to Jim, while his free hand pressed Jensen against his own body and helped to keep him upright, before he guided Jensen into the lighthouse. Not only was Jensen soaked, but his jacket spotted a prominent tear, just like Jensen's hands and cheek were cut. 

Shaking from cold and exhaustion, a pitiful groan escaped Jensen's throat. He knew he had screwed up, had done something very stupid. “'m sorry, midget,” Jensen pressed out in a scratchy voice, every word costing him quite an effort.

“I got you back, Jen,” Jared said, unzipping the drenched jacket for Jensen because it was obvious that he could not do it himself. “In more or less one piece. Only that's important.” He tore the jacket away from Jensen's body, noticing that even the hoodie he wore beneath it was drenched in either water or sweat. Kneeling down, he untied the boots that were as wet as the jacket. Obviously waterproof had its limits. Next were the socks, covering feet as numb and cold as the hands. “Ok, upstairs with you. Out of the remaining clothes and into the bed while I'm running a bath for you.”

He shepherded Jensen into his nicely warm bedroom where he helped him doff his clothes. There was not one bit of sexuality in it and yet, when Jared let his hand run gently over Jensen's body to get rid of his clothes, it felt strangely intimate. Jensen took off his briefs himself and Jared turned away wrapping Jensen into a blanket from behind, yet of course admiring the juicy roundness of Jensen's butt and the elegant curve of his back.

“Bed,” Jared prompted, before he vanished into the bathroom, where he let warm, yet not hot water run into the tub.

Cover tugged to his chin, Jensen had made himself comfortable in his bed. Only now, as the torture was over, did he not only realize how lucky he had been that Jim had passed by but also how cold and beyond tired he was. Jared must have been worried, and was probably pissed that he had done something so unreasonable and yet, he cosseted Jensen with a matter of course.

When Jared came back and found Jensen lying in bed, he sat down on its edge, placing his hand against Jensen's chest and brushing his fingers through his hair. “I thought you were lost, Jen.” Jared swallowed hard, the strain of the last two hours only slowly leaving him now. “I didn't really know where to look, and I thought you had fallen and broken something or even worse.” He bit his lips. “Not sure what I'd have done, if I -”

Jared's concern tugged at Jensen's heartstrings and he freed his arms from the warm cocoon of the bedcover and brought them around Jared instead, pulling him against his chest. It was the first time he initiated a hug since he had come to live with Jared and it felt unbelievably good, like sunshine and peace, of childhood memories and better times, milk with honey and cupcakes.

 “Looks like I am very hard to kill, Jare,” Jensen said in a whisper, with a hint of banter in it. Just like two months ago in his prison cell, he could have easily died today and yet, someone had been watching over him. Yet other than eight weeks ago, he wanted to live. Wanted to return home to Jared, to see his dimpled smile again and listen to him talking a mile a minute. To feel his arms wrapped around him and the friendship and love that seeped from that hug.

“Gosh Jen,” Jared breathed out, holding his friend a tad tighter. “You scared me. So much.” He paused, before he started to fuss over him. “Now let me have a look at your cuts.” He hurried into the hallway where he kept a very well stocked first aid kit in case of emergencies which was not a rarity if you ran a B&B for half of the year.

Closely, Jared looked at the cuts on Jensen's face, hands and legs, grateful to notice that they were all just skin deep, before cleaning them with disinfectant and swabs of cotton. “Once you're out of the tub, I'll treat them properly and while you get warm in there, I'll make you a light dinner.”

Jensen nodded, slowly getting up and walking into the bathroom, where the steam and the scent of a bathoil he couldn't really name enveloped him. Every step hurt, not only in his feet but in his knees, too, and he let the blanket glide down onto the tiles, gratefully stepping into the warm water and defrosting his body.

Downstairs, Jared busied himself with defrosting a homemade potato soup before he prepared some simple sandwiches and tea. While he was coating the slices of bread with cream cheese, Jared noticed that his hands were shaking and he had to stop, imprisoning his right in his left hand, holding on tight and blinking the tears away that were tickling his eyes. “Gosh,” he breathed out, fighting for composure.

Jensen's outdoor adventure could have gone so wrong. And the suicide attempt? They hadn't talked about it yet, about the darkness that had encased Jensen that he had only seen one way out, but the thought that Jared had been so close to losing Jensen constricted his throat. Almost worse for Jared was the fact that Jensen had been so far away, almost indifferent to him. He hadn't known any of it, about the accusation and trial, the imprisonment. His best friend had gone through hell, and Jared hadn't known.

Pressing his palms against his eyes, Jared waited a few heartbeats, until he was sure that he didn't look as if his puppy had died, then took the snacks upstairs. He found Jensen lying in bed, his dried hair sticking in all directions, his body curled into a small ball, his eyes closed, though he wasn't sleeping, because once Jared came closer, he opened them a slit. Memories came into his mind, of teenage Jensen, always grumpy when he had to get up earlier than ten am, while Jared had been full of energy, eager to show his best friend his new world, no matter what time.

Exhausted as Jensen was, he wanted and needed to sleep, but he also needed to eat, and the fine scent of potato soup tickled his nose and let his mouth water. Sighing, he sat up in bed, accepting the almost too hot bowl filled with soup and, after he had blown onto the surface a few times, took the first spoonful while Jared put a thermos flask and the plate filled with sandwiches on the nightstand. Then, Jared stripped off his shoes, went to the other side of the bed and crawled in, scooting quite close, watching how Jensen spooned his soup.

“You have a wonderful home, Jared, it's warm and cozy, heaven compared to the hell prison was,” Jensen started after he had sipped half of the soup, its warmth settling in his belly, its flavor lingering in his mouth. “Yet, after a while, I feel restless. I know it's weird, because I need to get rest and part of my body knows that, but my mind needs open space, fresh air and to feel no boundaries. That's why I started to wander around the island. Aimlessly strolling around. Pausing, staring into the waves, driftwood or even something as simple as a tinted leaf. I neither felt cold nor hunger, or my feet aching because they are not used to all the exercise.”

“You could have asked me to come with you,” Jared hinted, taking a sandwich from the plate, spread with a homemade tuna and egg cream he had made earlier today. As much as he understood Jensen's urge to feel freedom, it had been careless to wander around alone without any local knowledge.

“I didn't want to bother you, midget. I imposed myself upon you more than enough. How could I keep you away from work?”

Jared threw him a punishing look, wiping the argument away with a gesture of his hand. His job as an editor really was not that important. Sure, he had his deadlines, just like the author, but he could work all around the clock and would have gladly rescheduled his plans to spend some time with Jensen. “I would have loved to be bothered, Jen. Not that it would have bothered me at all. This place here? I love it. After thirteen years, I know it like the back of my hand. I would have loved to show it to you. So um, let me guess what happened earlier?” Jared looked at his friend knowingly. “The weather changed, surprised you, you were on some trail, it got dark far too quickly and you lost your way?”

It summarized Jensen's ordeal pretty much. “First, I used my cell as a torch but well, then the battery went dead and I panicked.” Jensen had been frozen with fear, the darkness impenetrable, the wood one mass of shadowy trunks, the wind ice-cold, the roar of the ocean suddenly threatening.

Stumbling through the forest, scratching his face and hands, falling onto his knees, Jensen had tried to find his way out of the forest until finally, he had reached the road. “I was lucky that Jim found me.”

“Yeah, you were,” Jared acknowledged, putting his half-eaten sandwich on the plate he balanced on his legs before he leaned his head against Jensen's shoulder. “Please don't run away like that anymore, Jen. I mean, of course, you are free to go but um, at least take provisions and a first aid kit, a torchlight and the walkie-talkie so you can call help. This is not San Antonio, but an island with only little civilization and basic medicinal help. Just keep that in mind. And um, don't forget that there is someone who cares a lot about you.” Gently, Jared placed his hand on Jensen's chest. “You're still my person, Jen.”

There was nothing Jensen could say, but he covered Jared's hand with his own, not one bit surprised how good and right it felt.

In silence, they finished their sandwiches and the tea. Eventually, Jensen moved back into the bathroom to brush his teeth, while Jared disappeared downstairs to clear the tray away and made his usual tour through the house to make sure everything was in order. Back upstairs, he got himself ready for bed, too.

“I'm going to spend the night with you,” Jared announced as he stepped into Jensen's bedroom again. “Resistance is futile.”

“No resistance, midget.” Jensen blinked tiredly. Falling asleep next to Jared was actually not an unpleasant thought. “There is worse fate than falling asleep next to you.”

“I guess there is,” Jared agreed with a smirk on his lips, making himself comfortable on the bed. “You still cold?”

“A little,” Jensen admitted. He wouldn't mind being all stone-agey and cuddling for warmth.

“Lucky you, for having a walking, breathing Padaheat,” Jared bantered, scooting closer and tugging Jensen against his chest. Silence settled between them, and Jensen felt the tiredness tugging him to sleep.

“Gosh, I missed this, Jen. Missed you,” Jared whispered into his ear, pulling him back to consciousness. He held Jensen tight, brushing his hand over his torso. “I never told you, because it was pathetic, but when Martha brought me to Orcas, I couldn't sleep for weeks because I missed you so much. I missed feeling your body next to mine and the knowledge that, if I woke up from a nightmare about my parents dying, you would be there. I was scared to fall asleep without you. I was like a walking zombie, until Martha made me see the doc.”

“It's not pathetic, Jare, just a little sad and twice as sweet,” Jensen remarked tiredly. It had been hard for him too, to be without Jared. Just like Jared, Jensen now realized that he had missed this closeness, this bond. With all their history, it should be weird, cuddling like that, but it felt strangely normal and familiar. “Is this weird for you? Or um, does it hurt you, being that close after what happened?”

For a while, Jared thought about it, yet then he shook his head. “No, it just feels right. Familiar. There is nothing wrong with cuddling. It's just you and me. Who we are.”

“Sap,” Jensen said gently. “Can I sleep now, midget?.”

“Course you can. Get some rest.” Jared watched Jensen fall asleep, warm and pliant against him until he entered the land of dreaming, too.

Then

Orcas Island, July 2008

The room looked tidier than ever before and Jared felt stupid that he had even bothered to put his books and toys away, sure that Jensen didn't mind. They had known each other all their lives. Yet, seven months of not seeing each other was a damn long time for two boys who had been like siamese twins a year ago. It seemed like a whole lifetime was laying between then and now. 

Jensen was sixteen-years-old now, and Jared had just celebrated his fourteenth birthday the other day. Puberty had hit hard, spots were distorting his once smooth skin and Jared felt weirdly self-conscious about them, though normally he didn't mind. Unclean skin was just most boys' fate but what would Jensen say about him being all pimply? He had also grown a good deal, looked a bit like a giraffe, with too long legs and arms, yet without any muscles on them. Not a midget any longer. Besides, Jared was worried. What if Jensen had changed? What if their vibe was gone? What if, suddenly, they weren't friends anymore? What if all Jensen would talk about were girls, boobs and sexual adventures? What -

“Jared!” Aunt Martha called. “Hurry up, the ferry is leaving in an hour and we mustn't miss it if we want to pick up Jensen at the airport on time.”

With one last look over the room, Jared hurried down the stairs, jumping the last remaining ones and sliding over the hardwood floor, receiving a wide smile from his aunt in return. She was the best guardian Jared could have wished for, more a good friend and comrade than a mother figure and Jared knew he had been lucky.

***

“You're nervous,” Martha noticed after she had watched her nephew sitting next to her on the front passenger seat, tapping his feet against the floor and playing with a loose thread that was hanging from his tee. He had done so during the whole ride to the ferry landing and even now, as they were standing on the railing of the ferry, looking at the blue-grayish water, Jared looked everything but relaxed.

Jared bit his lips, hating that he was that obvious. “Yeah. I mean, seven months. What if Jensen isn't my person any longer?”

The wording tugged at her heartstrings. Which fourteen-year-old boy had a person? What were Jared's feelings for his best friend? Was he in love with Jensen? For all she knew, he wasn't interested in girls just yet, but maybe that was because he was into boys? Not that she would mind if Jared was. He was such a great kid and deserved to love who he wanted to love. Yet, Martha hoped that it wouldn't end up in a broken heart for his nephew. He had lost so much already. 

“I'm quite sure, Jensen will always stay your person, Jared.” Indeed she had never seen two boys who had been closer than Jared and Jensen. The way they treated each other, mixed with the chemistry they had was very special. Soulmate material. “And I'm quite sure, Jensen is just as nervous as you are. It's been seven months for him, too. You'll have a great summer, boys. I'll make sure of it.” She tousled Jared's hair, receiving a lopsided smile in return.

The remaining ride to the airport passed quickly, both repeating the things Jared could do with Jensen during the four weeks he would stay with them. Once Martha had found a parking space and turned off the engine, they rushed to arrivals. According to the destination board, the plane from Austin had just landed, and Jared felt very grateful for it. Flying made him nervous. Probably a normal reaction when you lost both your parents in a plane crash.

Eyes fixed at the sliding door that spit the passengers out, Jared was waiting patiently, his heart beating a little quicker than normal. In just a few minutes, he would have his Jensen back. The sickening nervousness had finally made way for a pleasant anticipation and when Jensen finally stepped out of the door, a backpack casually over his shoulder, Jared's heart made a very weird flip-flop and something in his belly cramped that made him weirdly fuzzy. Just like him, Jensen had grown up in those seven months, had gotten broader, thanks to football training, with muscled shoulders and arms.

His eyes lit up when Jensen spotted Jared and Martha and he stormed towards them, throwing himself into Jared's open arms, hugging the life out of his best friend. “Gosh, Jare,” Jensen murmured, while he was burying his head in Jared's neck, where it fitted very well. “I missed you so much, midget.”

“Not any more,” Jared growled in mocked annoyance at the gentle nickname Jensen had given him years ago, because Jared had always been tiny compared to boys his age.

“True.” Jared was still smaller than him, but only a handspan. “Yet, you'll always stay my midget.” Looking at Jared fondly, he tousled his hair, only then letting go to receive a brief, yet warm hug from Martha.

Together, the boys walked to the carousel, waiting for Jensen's luggage. “I missed you, too,” Jared said, wrapping his arms around Jensen again.

***

Jared had worried in vain. Nothing had changed between Jensen and him. It seemed as if they picked up where they had left, the last time they talked on the phone, which had been just a few days ago, and the last time they had seen each other, a few days after New Year's Eve, at Seattle Airport. While Martha was driving them back, they exchanged news, though Jensen did most of the talking, because Jared needed to hear everything Jensen was willing to give. About Donna and Alan, Jensen's cousins, Chris, Steve and other mutual friends. Teammates from his football team, comrades at church. Jared felt weirdly relieved when Jensen didn't mention girls in general or a certain girl in particular; the thought of having to share Jensen with a girlfriend caused a so far unknown feeling of jealousy inside him.

It was evening when they finally arrived at the lighthouse, its white walls shining golden in the setting sun, with a few light gray clouds on a sky that had a dark shade of blue. It looked as picturesque as a postcard scene and Jensen felt excitement, thinking about the four weeks he got to stay here with his best friends.

Jared led the way into his surprisingly clean and tidy bedroom. New, timeless furniture and most of all a king size bed had replaced the slightly old-fashioned furnishing that had adorned the room in winter and other than in winter, the room had a more personal touch. There were pictures on the wall and chest of drawer, of Jared and his parents and Jared and Jensen, a cup Jared had won at a mathlete competition, magazines and books, and a brand new TV Jared had gotten as a birthday present. The bed linen was freshly laundered, blue and green, suitable for a teenage boy. 

“I hope it's okay to share,” Jared said. “Martha wasn't sure, because you're almost an adult now but um, all the other guestrooms are let to her B&B guests and -”

Jensen nodded. “Of course it's okay to share,” he assured Jared, yet wondering if it still would be okay for Jared once he knew his secret. Actually, Jensen had wanted to tell Jared on his last day here, but the sleeping-arrangement changed things. So far, no one knew, though maybe his mother suspected something, since his lack of interest in girls probably was suspicious. “But um, I think there is something I should tell you, before we share a bed again. You might not want to share your bed, or your room with me once you know.”

Furrowing his brow, Jared looked at his best friend openly. He could think of nothing in the world that would keep him from sharing a bed with Jensen. “I'd still share this bed with you even if you had the plague, Jen,” Jared bantered, sitting down on the mattress, patting the space next to him.

“For some it's worse than the plague, Jared,” Jensen admitted. He knew some people in church would condemn Jensen for it, just like random strangers on the street. The word was a perilous, intolerant place for people who weren't normal, yet what was normal anyways? “I'm gay.”

One second passed, two, and Jared just looked at Jensen with his warm, hazel eyes, neither gasping nor staring or calling him names. Maybe Jared didn't know what it meant. He had only turned fourteen a few days ago. “It means that I -”

“I know what it means, Jen,” Jared said gently. “I'm not a baby who doesn't know things.” His lips formed into a pout that turned into a smile quickly. “It's okay, you know. You love who you love.” He wrapped his arms around Jensen. “It doesn't change a thing for me. Why would it?”

“For some it's a sin, midget. Some even think it's a sickness, so you might be worried that I pass it over and that um, I turn you gay.”

“That's ridiculous, Jen.” Drawing back just a little, Jared looked at Jensen openly. “And how could something like love be a sin?” He asked with the conviction and passion he felt about this subject. “Besides, it's your business who you love. You're not accountable for your preferences.”

Jensen lifted his brows in surprise at how grown up and smart Jared had become in the past year. Perhaps it came with losing your parents and moving away; he just had to grow up a little faster than other kids, and Jared as a person had always been interested in plenty of subjects, and read a lot. He looked beyond his own nose and had an awareness of fairness and justice lots of people, even adults, lacked. “You really are the most amazing person ever.”

“Course I am,” Jared said matter-of-factly, yet winking. “I am your person, Jen. Nothing will ever change that.”

Just when Jensen wanted to reply, Martha called for dinner. There was pasta with a very well spiced Bolognese sauce and grated cheese, lettuce the boys munched dutifully and homemade ice-cream as dessert they scarfed down, despite being full from too much pasta. Easy banter and laughter sounded through the dining room and later through the kitchen as they cleared the dishes away, a waterfall of words sputtering out of their mouths.

Although the night had long chased away the last rays of sun, the boys went outside once Martha shooed them out of her kitchen, wearing hoodies and carrying flashlights. There was a path leading along the cliffs, safe because of a wooden fence, leading to a viewpoint, high enough to give the boys a three hundred and sixty degree view over the island. It was a perfect place to either watch the sunrise or sundown, or, like now, the almost full moon and the sparkling stars on the inky canopy.

“Do your parents know?”

“No. So far, I haven't had the heart to tell them. It scares me a little, to be honest. Coming out to them. The way they might look at me. Or my aunts and uncles. Cousins. Chris and Steve. Classmates or teachers.” Jensen looked at his fingers, woven together and pressed against his knees. There was a big boulder both boys were leaning against with bent legs, the ground beneath them cool, a mixture of soil, grass and stones of all shapes and sizes.

“Were you scared to tell me, Jen?”

“A little,” Jensen admitted, glancing at Jared briefly, though only seeing his profile because his head was turned towards the ocean. “It's a big thing, coming out, admitting it to someone else and just not to myself in the darkness of my bedroom in front of a mirror.”

“Thanks for your faith and courage. Your secret is safe with me.”

Jensen nudged his shoulder gently. “Thanks, you know. For your open mindedness.”

“Anytime, Jen.” Leaning against Jensen, Jared closed his eyes, grateful for having Jensen back, if only for a little while.

***

Jared really didn't seem to mind Jensen's sexual preferences because, just like forever, he fell asleep close to him, often waking up with either a leg that had snuck between Jensen's or an arm curled around Jensen's torso. Jensen didn't mind, though the morning wood he had pretty much daily made him very self-conscious. Grateful for his baggy pjs and even more so that Jared was still rising at least one hour earlier than him, Jensen could take care of his problem in the bathroom, without Jared listening curiously. 

Jared hadn't brought up his homosexuality in any of their conversations, which actually surprised Jensen a little. Because of Jared's intellectual curiosity, Jensen had been sure that he would bombard him with questions but so far, Jared hadn't asked a single one. Jensen wondered if it had anything to do with Jensen still being in the closet or with it being the pink elephant in the room or a taboo, yet Jared didn't treat him any differently. They were still as physical as a year ago and talked about all the world and his brother.

Almost two weeks of Jensen's vacation had already passed. They had visited the other islands, for hikes and days at the beach, had cycled to the lakes scattered over Orcas Island to swim, and had even spent a day on a fisherboat, thanks to Martha's connections to a fisherman in the nearby village. The island was full of visitors and tourists for the summer and boys or girls to hang out with; classmates of Jared and their family or friends from the mainland. There was food and drinks, campfires on either the beach or the lakeshore, the music of guitars, laughter and talks. They watched older boys snogging their girlfriends or disappearing into the twilight woods and they often could hear very telling sighs, moans or whimpers echoing through the forest.

It made Jared wonder if Jensen had ever kissed or made out with a boy. There were no taboos between them, yet Jared wasn't sure if it was okay to talk about it. Love and sex was a so far unknown territory for Jared and Jensen. Yet, the knowledge that Jensen was gay, would kiss and cuddle, make out and fuck another boy caused a very weird feeling inside Jared. Like the imagination that he would do such things with girls, just far, far worse.

“Jen?” Jared asked after they had gone to bed, each of them wrapped into a light blanket because it was uncommonly hot and sticky in the room. The faint glimmer of the new moon was barely touching the darkness and all Jared could see of his best friend was his vague outline, yet not really his expression. “Is there someone for you? A boyfriend?”

“No. If there are any gay boys at school, I guess they are as deep in the closet as I am.”

“So um, you haven't kissed a boy yet or um -”

“No midget,” Jensen admitted quietly, grateful for the darkness because he felt his cheeks flush. “I'm a virgin, in all senses of the word.” Many boys his age were already very active, at least if you believed their stories of conquests in the changing room.

“How can you be sure that you're gay then?” Jared asked in a whisper. Aunt Martha's room was across the hallway but there were guests sleeping in the room next to his, and Jared didn't really want anyone to overhear that conversation. It was Jensen's secret after all and deserved to be protected.

“I can be sure, Jared. I've known for a while, a year, maybe even two, at least deep down. First, I didn't want to admit it to myself but it's who I am, so there is no way to deny it. When I look at girls, attractive girls, pretty, with tiny waists and big boobs, I feel nothing. But men, with defined chests, muscles, a scratchy shadow on their cheeks? They cause a very weird tingly feeling in my belly.”

Jared wondered if it was the same weird tingly feeling he got in his belly when Jensen smiled at him or when he touched or hugged him, but he didn't dare to ask. It was an interesting, yet not frightening thought, the idea that he might be gay, too, but this was about Jensen, not about himself. Besides, so far, it had not been men, but one young man who caused these feelings inside Jared, so maybe he was? Or Jensensexual? Or just really confused? “Is there someone in particular?”

“There was this guy in high school called José I had a secret crush on. He finished this year, so he was older than me and he was exactly my type but he was straight, so no chance.” Jensen shrugged because he knew, it would happen again; crushing heavily on someone who was straight or even on someone who was gay or bi, but wasn't interested. He tried not to mind too much, was sure that sooner or later, he would find the lid to his pan.

“'m sure, you'll find your Mr. Right,” Jared said, somehow hoping that it could be him, despite not having a defined chest, muscles and a scratchy shadow on his cheek just yet.

Now

Orcas Island, November 2020

A knock at his door in the middle of the night ripped Jared out of his deep slumber, ending a really weird dream about Jensen and him in a nutshell of a boat on the ocean abruptly. Confused, he looked at Jensen, standing in the doorway, the light from the hallway enough to show that his face had turned into an unhealthy color.

“Sorry to wake you,” Jensen said, his voice scratchy, “but I think I'm getting sick.”

It wasn't really surprising, after spending hours outside in the cold, soaked with rain, with an immune system already weak from weeks in prison, bad food, little exercise and sun and all the stress Jensen had to get through. “Nothing to be sorry about. Go back to bed, I'll be with you asap.”

Aunt Martha, who had been a trained nurse before she had moved to Orcas, had taught Jared quite a bit. He was well stocked up with over-the-counter meds for all kinds of malaises and had the local physician on speed dial, because it had happened more than once that B&B guests had gotten sick. Jumping out of his bed, Jared slipped into warm socks and went into the kitchen, where he brewed an herbal infusion for Jensen. Then he unlocked the medicine cupboard and grabbed the thermometer and some pain meds.

Jensen was lying in his bed, looking like a picture of misery, and even before Jared placed the thermometer into his ear, he felt that he was far too warm. “101.3,” Jared stated once the thermometer confirmed his diagnosis, brushing his fingers through Jensen's sweaty hair. “I'll call the doc tomorrow, just to make sure that -”

“Can't pay him, Jared,” Jensen pressed out, feeling terribly ashamed. With losing his job he had of course lost his health insurance and there wasn't any money left.

Jared brushed the argument away. “Don't worry about it, Jen, it's -”

“You can't pay my bills, dude,” Jensen tried to object. He never expected anything like that from Jared. It was enough that he was living in the lighthouse rent-free, eating the food and using the electricity Jared paid.

“Jen, you know, I respect you, but I am not arguing with you about that. It's just money. Your health is so much more important than a few hundred bucks.” Jared could easily afford it. In addition to his income as an editor and from running the B&B, Jared had the inheritances from both his parents and Aunt Martha. He was financially well set.

“But -” Jensen tried to counter, but Jared cut him in instantly.

“There is no but, Jensen. Nothing is more important, okay? What if you're developing a severe flu or pneumonia? Or myocarditis? Dr. Bedford is really thorough. He'll come over, check you over, prescribe antibiotics, if necessary, and will make sure that you cure whatever you caught, ok? Now, drink your tea,” Jared said bossily, handing Jensen the big mug of steaming liquid.

The infusion tasted a little bitter, and swallowing hurt like hell, but on the other hand, the hot fluid helped a little. Jensen sipped it in tiny mouthfuls, pausing in between, while Jared fussed over him, pouring water into a glass and handing him something for the fever and the headache. Then he got a fresh, small towel out of the linen cupboard in the hallway and wet it with ice-cold water, to put it on Jensen's forehead, hoping to cool him down just a bit. Last, he offered Jensen a throat drop he accepted glady. “That's all I can do for you at the moment.” He placed his hand on Jensen's chest. “You try to sleep, and just don't worry. I'll take good care of you.”

Jensen didn't doubt it. While he felt crappy, with the headache hammering painfully against his skull, his throat hurting with every tiny swallow and ague causing him to shiver despite feeling hot, he knew he was in good hands with Jared. Closing his eyes, he felt Jared's fingers ghosting over his arm, caressing him to sleep.

***

Tossing and turning, just slumbering slightly, his mind bugged with too weird and vivid dreams, Jensen felt even worse once he woke up, the gray of another rainy day barely enough to illuminate his room. His whole body ached, his throat was sore and he felt smashed. When he wanted to get up to drag himself into the bathroom, dizziness washed over him in a strong wave and he needed several moments to find his equilibrium.

Once he had made it into the bathroom, Jensen had to steady himself, his hands holding tightly onto the basin, tired eyes in a face with unhealthily crimson cheeks looking back at him. It cost Jensen all his strength to splash water into his face and brush his teeth and after he had relieved himself, he kept on sitting on the toilet seat, because it seemed a far better option than walking.

Eventually though, tiny steps on legs that had never felt heavier brought Jensen back into his bedroom where he curled up beneath the cover again, pressing his sweaty forehead against the cool cottony pillow.

That's how Jared found his friend a few minutes later. “You look like death warmed over, Jen,” Jared noted, carrying a tray with a bowl of porridge and another mug of tea into his room. “I know you probably aren't hungry, but you really need to eat something.” He brushed a sweaty bang out of Jensen's forehead. “So please, eat.”

Jared was right. Of course, he wasn't hungry. Just the thought of swallowing something caused pain. Rather would Jensen starve than endure the pain of swallowing, but Jared looked at him pleadingly, placing his hand on the cover above his belly, as if he wanted to show that said belly really needed to be fed. Besides, Jensen needed to keep his strength. The lack of healthy food was probably one reason why he had caught this infection in the first place.

Tears came to the corner of his eyes as he slowly spooned the porridge, because it hurt so much and Jared's calm, quiet company was only a little comfort. He made him drink the tea, swallow another pill against pain and fever, before he finally granted Jensen with the throat drop. “I called the doc, Jen. He'll come in an hour or two.”

Suddenly the thought about seeing a doctor, even a doctor Jared paid, didn't seem that horrible anymore. “Thank you.” Tiredly, he felt for Jared's hand, squeezing once, not surprised when Jared didn't let go, but linked their fingers together. The gesture caused a lump in his throat, because he suddenly realized that Jared probably still loved him. That even after a decade of hurt and the things Jensen had said Jared had never really fallen out of love with him. Love he really didn't deserve.

“Don't mention it, Jen. Just be better.”

***

“He's malnourished, which makes it harder for his body to fight the infection,” Dr. Bedford stated as he slipped back into his shoes and jacket, “and he really should stay in bed until the symptoms ease and take the meds and especially the antibiotics on time. If he does so, Jensen will make a full recovery. Having said that, please call me if his temperature rises or if he is developing other symptoms.”

“Thanks Doc,” Jared said, waving once before closing the door behind him, leaning against it and taking a few deep breaths while struggling for composure. The doctor's diagnosis – tonsillitis and pneumonia in a very early stage, and therefore easy enough to treat – wasn't what unsettled him so much. Far more shocking was his statement about Jensen's overall health condition. It had worried Dr. Bedford far more than the infection. Not only had he prescribed antibiotics and pain meds, but also highly dosed vitamins and minerals. Besides, he had taken quite a bit of blood to run several tests to make sure that Jensen hadn't caught anything nasty.

Plastering a big fat smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes because he was too worried about Jensen, Jared walked back into his friend's room, where Jensen was staring at the ceiling, a spare pillow pressed against his chest, as if it was a kid's treasured cuddly toy. It actually reminded Jared of himself and the blanket he only had parted with when he had started college. He kept it in Aunt Martha's historic chest in the bedroom and whenever he felt low, he took it out.

“It still gives me comfort,” Jared admitted once he came back, placing the blanket gently onto Jensen's torso. “After Martha died, I slept with it for several weeks.” His aunt had died almost five years ago in a tragic boat accident, while she had tried to save a kid. If it had happened on the mainland, close to a hospital, she probably would have survived, but it had just taken too long to get help and too long to transport her to the closest hospital equipped for her needs. It had shattered Jared, almost as much as his parents’ deaths, but at least, she had not died alone, but with Jared by her side, and he had had the chance to say goodbye, which had been a real gift.

Knowing how much the blanket meant to Jared, Jensen swapped it with the pillow gladly, pressing it against his chest and his face into it. It smelled of Jared, of home and of childhood and once more, his eyes blurred. Gosh, never before had he cried so much. “'m sorry I'm so emotional,” Jensen whispered into the blanket.

“Don't worry about it,” Jared leaned closer, wiping the one tear away that escaped Jensen's eyes. “A lot of bad things happened to you. It's okay to cry.” He leaned closer, so that he could pull Jensen into the gentlest hug imaginable and he held him to his chest for an impossibly long time, grateful for the turn of events, for having Jensen back in his life and for being allowed to love him like that, friendship and platonic love, spiced with a hint of closeness you only share with your soulmate and the man your heart belonged to. “So I need to get your meds, Jen, and um, I need to talk to Neil.”

“Your boyfriend?” Jensen asked curiously. He hadn't dared to ask about the man Jared had kissed, quite sure that he was the last person who had the right to comment on anything quite remotely related to Jared's love life.

“My soon-to-be-ex more friend-with-benefits boyfriend, I guess. I can't give him what he needs, Jen, and I can't be a jerk, so I think it's only fair to tell him the truth. He deserves better than that.”

Jensen wondered if Jared splitting up with Neil had anything to do with himself, but he wasn't big-headed and arrogant enough to ask. Just the imagination that Jared maybe still had feelings for him, even after all those years and despite everything, choked Jensen and caused him to overthink his own feelings or more, his stance. Ten years ago, the thought of being with Jared in a more than friendly way had been laughable. He had grown up as his baby brother, and being with him would have been incest. 

Yet, ten years had passed without really being in touch, without that closeness of a friendship. Both had taken a step back and the distance between them now allowed Jensen to look at it differently. Jared was family, but not blood and the fifteen-year-old boy had turned into a stunningly handsome and attractive man. Muscled, with a sculpted chest and a shadowy stubble on his cheek. This and his qualities, like his kindness and generosity, mixed with his dimpled thousand-watt-smile and that soft mop of hair made him a real dreamboat.

“Jen? Did you listen to me?” It looked as if Jensen had been very far away, daydreaming or just deeply lost in thought.

“Nah, sorry about that.” Heat that didn't have anything to do with his fever turned his cheeks crimson.

“I just said that I'll probably be gone for two hours. Dr. Bedford said that you should take another round of the pills I gave you and recommended a healthy dose of vaporub on your chest and back, and of course some throat drops. I understand if you don't want me to do it but um, I won't mind applying the vaporub.”

“Be my guest, Jare.” Jensen stripped off his shirt, revealing a far too skinny, very pale, freckled torso with two perfect nipples sitting in a light-brown halo. Soft down was growing on his chest, its color far brighter than the hair on Jensen's head or even face.

Jared got up to get the vaporub from the med kit and asked Jensen to turn around on his back, where he gently rubbed the fine-smelling substance in. The scent of eucalyptus enveloped them and Jared himself took a deep breath; he loved vaporub, often used it in winter, when his nose was a little clogged. In a way, it meant comfort for him, almost like the blanket or a mug of hot milk with honey. There was a scar on Jensen's shoulder, rosy and fresh and Jared moved over it gently, sending a wave of pleasure through Jensen.

“It's where they tried to kill me, Jare,” Jensen said with a choked voice. “In prison. One of my inmates attacked me with a screwdriver he had nicked from the workshop, another one held me down.”

“Gosh Jen.” Now it was Jared's eyes that were blurred and this time, he wasn't ashamed of his emotions, just let his tears fall, while caressing the scar. “Turn around.”

He coated his fingers with a fresh dose of vaporub, moving his fingers over Jensen's chest sensually. It was a feast for both of them, causing their hearts to somersault and the butterflies in their bellies to flutter happily. “I can't even imagine what you had to go through in those six weeks in prison,” Jared pondered, “or during the trial. I wish you would have called me so I could have stood by your side.” He stopped his movements right above Jensen's heart, actually feeling the soft beat beneath his palm. It was amazingly intimate and as his thumb caressed the oily skin, Jared felt closer to Jensen than ever before. “It pains me, how much they hurt you and the wrong they did to you upsets me so, so much. How could they do this to you?”

Jensen had long stopped wondering why it had happened to him. The world was often a dark place, full of mistrust, malice and intolerance, yet, even in the darkest of moments, you could find hope. Jared had been that hope for him. On lonely nights in his cell, too scared to sleep because he never knew what his cell-mate was up to, Jensen's thoughts had wandered to happy memories, and Jared was the equivalent to happy childhood memories. Back then, the thought of getting in touch with him had first come to his mind, but he had of course brushed it away, aware that Jared would definitely not want to be friends with a convicted rapist.

Yet, now, in the brightness and safety of the lighthouse, Jensen realized that Jared probably would even have done that for him. Visiting him in prison, maybe even fighting for justice. “Maybe it was supposed to happen, so we could be friends again?” In normal circumstances, Jensen wouldn't say such stuff, but he was vulnerable, and it was the intimacy of the moment, Jared being so close, his hand warm and wide on his chest, with no barrier made of fabric between them.

“Yeah, maybe,” Jared agreed, just to say something. They would never know how their story would have turned out if things had been different. They had only this one life and now miraculously they had been given another chance. Wordlessly, Jared handed Jensen his pajama shirt, watched how he took another dose of meds and gave him a soft hug. “I'll be back soon.”

***

Breaking up with Neil, if you could call it that, had been uglier than Jared would have imagined but once it had happened, Jared felt free. It had been the right move, unavoidable, and even if Jensen hadn't come, it would have happened. Neil wasn't his Mr. Right.

Jared's Mr. Right was lying in his old childhood bedroom, but Jared was not naive enough to believe that something might happen, despite this weird buzz between them. Jensen had been more than clear on that fateful day. Yet, a small voice inside Jared's head reminded him smartly that ten years was a long time. Especially for a fifteen-year-old boy. He was all grown up now. Jared wasn't full of himself but he had eyes and a mirror; he really was one of the more attractive and handsome guys. Jensen could do much worse. Yet, quite probably, Jensen would never see anything else in him than the baby brother who had looked up to him all his life.

Pushing his thoughts away, Jared stepped into Jensen's bedroom after he had knocked on the door softly, finding his friend snoring peacefully. In sleep, with relaxed features, Jensen looked even younger and more beautiful than when awake and Jared couldn't help but place his hand on Jensen's forehead, feeling his temperature; if Jared wasn't mistaken, it had dropped a little. “Hey dude,” Jared said gently when slits of green looked at him tiredly.

“You back?” Jensen murmured tiredly, moving the back of his hand over his eyes. His body still ached and his short nap had made him almost more tired than before.

“Yeah, I brought the meds and split up with Neil.”

“You good?”

“Better than Neil, I guess.” He threw Jensen a lopsided smile. “Now, how about I make you some nice tomato soup, Martha's recipe and you come down for a bit? Gives us time to air the room here and it's good for your circulation to walk a few steps.”

Jensen didn't object. It would be good to see something else than his bedroom. Carefully, he got up, waiting until the dizziness had washed over him, then moved downstairs into the kitchen, Jared hovering above him, as if he was an eighty-year-old, frail senior. Once he had made himself comfortable on the kitchen table, Jared wrapped him into a blanket and gave him something for his throat before he started to prepare the tomato soup.

Jared did the talking, babbling about this and that until the soup was finally simmering on the stove and he could join Jensen at the table. They shared a comfortable silence, Jared nursing a coffee, Jensen another mug of herbal infusion. There was a weird vibe between them, a newfound closeness, different than it had been in the past, simply because it was suddenly spiced with sexual tension. They both felt it, yet Jared had vowed to not bring himself into such a dramatic position ever again and Jensen was still troubled by his bad conscience.

They finished their soup in silence, moving onto the couch in the living room and other than in the past days, when they both had been sitting in their corner with crossed legs, they now sat together, Jensen tucked under Jared's arm, where he fit so perfectly, where he belonged.

Then

San Antonio, August 2010

“Jared, darling, are you okay?” Donna asked, looking at Jared worriedly, who only listlessly played with his food, moving the peas and fries from one side of the plate to the other, the pieces of meat he cut tiny. Jared had been like that ever since the first day of his visit and Donna barely recognized the once so happy kid anymore. Broody, the rare smiles not reaching his eyes, far too thoughtful for a fifteen-year-old boy.

“Sure, Donna.” Jared stared at the plate, because if he looked anywhere else, especially into Donna's face or, even worse, at the empty chair that was Jensen's, he'd probably break.

Full of anticipation, Jared had boarded the plane to Austin, eager to see Jensen again. Yet, when Jared had stepped out of the door to claim his baggage, it had been Alan who had picked him up, not his son. It had only gotten worse once Jared had arrived at the Ackles' home. Other than in the last years, Jared had been accomodated in the guest room, and it had taken several hours until Jensen had come back. When he had finally stepped into his parents' living room, his skin red from too much sun and his hair a nuance blonder from spending so much time outdoors, a young man had been in his company. Several years older than Jared, tall and dark haired, with a shirt that was hugging his body in all the right places, stubble covering his defined jaws. Jensen had not even hugged Jared, had only waved hello, had introduced Mitchell, his boyfriend, proudly, only to draw him into his bedroom a minute later, leaving Jared dumbstruck, confused and hurting. It had been the beginning of the second worst and longest three weeks of his life, every day a torture because Jensen was there, yet ignored him more or less completely.

Donna sighed. She of course knew what this was about. Other than her son, who had shown himself from a so far unknown, very ugly side, she had eyes and empathy, something Jensen suddenly lacked. She felt for the boy she had known for all her life, who had fallen for her son very badly. A son who, for whatever reason, didn't care about his best friend anymore, who had forgotten all his manners and who didn't see the beauty in Jared.

“I think I will call Martha,” Jared said in a whisper, sounding broken. “Ask her to change my flight. I should go home. He obviously doesn't want me to be here.” Jared fought so hard, but a tear escaped his blurred eyes, dropping onto his light gray tee.

Donna pulled Jared into a warm, very motherly hug. “I'm so sorry, darling. I don't really know what's wrong with Jensen. He was excited to have you, and suddenly, on the day you arrived, he didn't want to come pick you up from the airport and disappeared. Maybe -”

“It happened after all, Donna. Distance and life drew us apart. I'm just not his person anymore.” Jared sniffed, the pain was choking him. Rubbing his eyes, he stepped away from Jensen's mother and slowly walked into the guest room, where he grabbed his cell and called his aunt.

Between sniffs and sobs he told her what had happened and after she had promised to change the flight, so that he could be home in a few days, Jared threw himself onto the bed, crying pathetically. His hopes for this vacation had been so high. A while ago, Jared had realized that he was gay. For every man, but most of all, for Jensen. Whenever he saw himself with a man, that man had Jensen's emerald eyes, his voice, his velvety lips and freckles scattered everywhere. 

In his daydreams, he had painted himself a wonderful picture. Of himself declaring his undying love and of Jensen returning the feelings, hugging and kissing him and finally stealing his virginity, a gentle foreplay, blow jobs, hand jobs, the actual love act sensual and special, just like it was supposed to be. Never though had Jared expected that there was a muscled quarterback called Mitchell in Jensen's life and that a monster had turned his once so sweet, wonderful best friend into the jerk of the millennia. 

Nevertheless, Jared couldn't change his feelings. Heartbroken he might be, but he still was head over heels in love with Jensen. Maybe, if he just saw him, Jensen would realize that his heart belonged to Jared, not Mitchell. Then he would break up with that guy and together, they would ride into the sunset and just be what they were supposed to be.

Eventually, Martha called again and told Jared that she had a flight booked for him the next afternoon. Opening his suitcase, Jared started to pack his clothes, throwing them sloppily into his suitcase, tears streaming down his face.

Once that was done, he stormed out of the house, running down the street and over the railroad crossing into the forest, where he found the small clearing Jensen and he had spent many hours of their early teenage years, climbing trees, building camps, even a tree house once. It was peaceful and quiet, the ideal place to surrender himself to his misery, without being ashamed of the tears that were streaming down his face inexorably.

Time passed and slowly, Jared calmed down, his sobs and whimpers changing into sniffs that finally faded away. He would talk to Jensen. Ask him what was wrong. They'd known each other all their lives. They were like brothers, for God's sake. He was sure there was nothing they couldn't mend.

Determined to do just that, Jared jumped up, but even before he could leave the clearing, he heard two voices and with a pang, Jared realized that one of the voices was Jensen's. Not really thinking about it, he hid inside a thicket, ignoring the bugs and flies, watching Jensen and Mitchell as they sat down on the same spot Jared had sat on only moments ago, stripping each other off with their eyes, their hands roaming over their torsos, their lips glued together, sucking and nibbling hungrily.

It was hot, yet also a little disturbing, bearing witness to it. Thankfully, their pants stayed down, and after a while, Jensen and Mitchell were lying back in the grass, the green canopy of the tree like a blanket with holes, sun and sky shining through them.

“Jared's a funny kid,” Mitchell stated in a deep voice. “How come you're friends?”

“Mom was his mom's best friend. We grew up together, were inseparable until his folks died and he had to move to Washington State to live with his aunt.”

“You're not exactly nice to him,” Mitchell noted, yet there was a hint of humor in it. “For someone who is supposedly your best friend, you've been ignoring Jared successfully.”

Jensen knew that he hadn't shown his best side, far from it, but things had changed. “I've got you now, Mitch. I mean, Jared's a great kid, but he'll leave. You'll stay. He's my past but you're my present and future.”

In shock and to keep a sob escaping from his lips, Jared pressed his hand above his mouth, while burying his nails hard into his thighs. It hurt, but at least the physical pain numbed the pain Jensen's words caused. How could he say something like that? How could Jensen throw away fifteen years of friendship? Just like that, without batting an eye?

“You know that he is in love with you?” Mitchell asked mockingly.

Jensen inhaled sharply, exactly at the same time Jared did. “Gosh no! Jared's not gay.”

“He's as gay as we are, believe me, babe. My gaydar never fails and he is hot for you. More than that. There's deep feelings involved.”

A sound of pure disgust escaped Jensen's throat. “Gosh, that's sickening. Are you sure? He's like my baby brother. How could I love my baby brother like that?” A shiver ran down Jensen's spine, the thought really sickening him. “That's quasi incest.”

“How can love ever be a sin, Jen?” Tears were streaming down Jared's face as he asked that, and he was standing in the clearing where they had spent so many happy moments, his heart broken in tiny little pieces beyond repair. Twigs were hanging in his hair, and he had scratched his cheek, but he was standing his ground, despite the shock and pain. “You know, your boyfriend is right, with all he said. I am gay. I realized it a while ago. Something else, too. You're my person, in all senses of the word. I thought that maybe, after all that time, the feelings were mutual.”

Jensen stared at him, a disbelieving snort escaping his nose. “How could I ever love you like that, Jared? Are you nuts?! I thought you were smarter. We are brothers, man. You're a friend, dude, but you'll never be something else. Why would I date a kid like you, if I could have a man like Mitch?!”

Every single one of the words cut Jared like a knife, slicing deep and cutting the broken pieces of his heart out. “I thought we were more than that.”

“Grow up, Jared,” Jensen spat out, his face scrunched into an ugly mask. “This is life. You can't always get what you want. And you definitely won't get me. If friendship isn't enough for you, if you can't share, you'd rather go and never come back.”

With trembling lips, unable to utter anything else, Jared turned around. Everything inside him screamed to run away, but he held his head high, walked slowly, placing one foot in front of the other, his ears buzzing, his head spinning, his eyes blind with tears. Only when he was sure that he was out of sight, Jared ran, faster than he could, not back to the Ackles', but deeper into the forest, until he broke down, crying and gasping, sobbing and whimpering, his life one pile of shards.

Slowly, light turned into shadow and warmth to cold and Jared was still leaning against a dead trunk, his legs pressed against his chest, feeling as if he had lost all joy and goodness in the world. He didn't want to go back, but he also knew he had to. Donna and Alan would be worried and they deserved better than that.

Body aching from sitting on the forest ground so long, Jared got up, slowly walking home, realizing that he would never come back again. How could he come back? How could he ever look Jensen in the eye without feeling humiliated and hurt?

The Ackles' house was lit like a Christmas tree and when Jared stepped through the front door, he found Donna and Alan sitting on the kitchen table, looking troubled. 

“I'll go pack my things, Donna,” Jared announced quietly, yet with determination. “I can't stay here.”

Both adults didn't object. “Alan will drive you to the airport, honey.”

Jared nodded, walking upstairs, hoping that he wouldn't meet Jensen on the landing. Yet, the door to his room was closed and from the other side, Jared could hear voices from the TV. It probably was better that way.

Glad that he had already packed most of his stuff, he threw his remaining belongings into his suitcase in record-breaking time. Alan actually came upstairs, carrying his luggage for Jared, who followed him quietly. As he passed by Jensen's door, he hesitated for a second, wondering if he should say goodbye, if he even had the strength to say goodbye. 

Suddenly, he was twelve-years-old again, a frightened, broken boy who had lost his parents. Now, he didn't have his Jensen in his life anymore. How could they ever stay friends? A real friend never would have hurt him like that. Yet, this was Jensen, his person. How could he not say goodbye?

He knocked once, yet didn't step in, only noticing that Jensen had heard and reacted to the knock because the TV was either muted or switched off. “Goodbye, Jen. Be happy with Mitch. I hope he gives you what you need.”

Now

December 2020, Orcas Island

Body covered in perspiration and heart pounding against his chest, Jared woke up and when he rubbed his eyes, he felt they were wet. He had dreamed about Jensen in prison, yet other than in reality, he hadn't survived his suicide attempt. With shaking hands, Jared took a mouthful of the water that was always standing next to his bed, waiting until he calmed down. It had just been a bad dream. “He's safe and sound and on the mend.”

With uncommonly wobbly legs, Jared got up and, sneaking across the hallway on naked feet, carefully and silently opened the door to Jensen's room. Soft snores in between normal breathing told Jared that everything was alright and for a while, he looked at his friend's sleeping body, finally relaxed, before Jared closed the door as carefully as he had opened it.

Releasing a shaky breath, Jared moved his hand over his face, before he tiredly walked back to bed. It was in the dead of night, and like so often at this time of year, the wind howled over the cliffs and jolted at the shutters.

He hoped that Jensen slept through. He had been really sick for almost three weeks. Fever had had him within its grasp for days, severe coughs had shaken his body and made him dizzy and the pains in his throat had gotten so severe that Jensen had refused any meals but very clear soups. Dr. Bedford had to prescribe other antibiotics and had even talked about admitting Jensen to the local clinic to monitor his vitals and provide better care, because his health had been in such a desolate state.

Sick with worry, Jared hadn't been to sleep much, had sat besides Jensen's bed for hours, had cooled his forehead, had changed the linens or carried him into a tub filled with cold water to help break the fever. He had watched Jensen's restless delirium and even though he had not wanted to, he had learned a lot, because Jensen had been talking in his sleep. Often, it was only incoherent babbling, yet sometimes, Jared had understood words or whole sentences. Enough to make his skin come up with goosebumps and cause his heart to ache. Definitely enough to cause nightmares of his own, like the one that had just ripped him out of his sleep. In his delirium, Jensen had also talked about the summer of doom once in a while, how sorry he was and how much he regretted his behavior. It was clear that it was another burden on his soul and that they needed to talk about it, soon, for Jensen's sake.

Yawning, Jared slipped back into his bed, drifting in and out of sleep for a while until finally, exhaustion won and he only woke up hours later, looking into Jensen's finally clear eyes. 

Huh? He felt for the body next to him. Solid and warm, but not burning up, still smelling of the shower it had had the night before. “Jen?”

“Storm woke me up in the morning and while I know it's nothing scary, it disquieted me. I thought that I'd sleep better with a warm, friendly body next to mine.”

“Did you?” Jared reached out, placing his hand against Jensen's heart.

“Yeah, I did,” Jensen said, sliding a little closer and curling his arm around Jared. He knew he had been in a bad way. Without Jared's generosity and care, he probably would be dead now. Never would he be able to repay that. It was another guilt, different but almost as heavy, that would burden Jensen now. No words in any language were enough to show his gratitude.

“How're you doing, Jen?” Jared's hand moved further up, cupping Jensen's neck for a brief moment before touching his forehead, thankfully just feeling the healthy warmth from sleep.

“Exhausted and weak,” Jensen admitted. He had barely been strong enough to make it across the hallway, “but thanks to you, alive and on the mend. Thank you is not nearly good enough but um, thank you, Jare. For not giving up on me. For never giving up on me.”

“You're welcome, but you don't need to mention it again, Jen.” He let his hand run through Jensen's hair and gosh, it felt so good doing that especially as he received a sweet little smile in return. “You being here? Getting this chance? It's a gift. I am the one who is grateful.” Jared let his hand fall onto Jensen's shoulder, looking at his stubbled face. Waking up with Jensen was heavenly, something he could get used to and he slid a little closer, jubilating inside when Jensen brought his own arm around him and their foreheads touched.

Time passed, they didn't talk, just glided in and out of a light slumber, caressing each other with the same implicitness they had from the beginning, because it just felt so right.

***

“Remember that last Christmas?” Jensen asked, forking a healthy portion of scrambled eggs. It was heavenly to finally not feel pain when swallowing, to be hungry again and to eat with gusto. “When my parents came, too?”

“As clearly as it had been yesterday,” Jared admitted. After the disaster that had happened in the following summer, Jared had tried to recall every single moment with Jensen during that Christmas break. It had been one of the many coping mechanisms he had tried, hoping to find a reason why Jensen had behaved like he did, if there had been any signs or something Jared had said or done that might have upset his friend.

“We went ice-skating on the lake. Martha and my folks went for that boring winter hike through the woods, but we made camp at the lake.”

It was one of the fondest memories of himself and Jensen, skating over the crystal-clear surface of the lake, the trees of the forest that surrounded it covered with snow, the pale sun shining from a winter-sky, the air ice-cold, their breath little clouds of steam in front of their faces. “We even had a campfire and the sleeping bag to get warm. A thermos flask full of hot chocolate, sandwiches and Christmas cookies,” Jared added, smiling.

It had been a day full of friendship, a wonderful start into a catastrophic year. Suddenly, memories threatened to overwhelm him; of three lonely weeks in San Antonio, despite Donna fussing over him. Of a sleepless night in a sterile hotel room, a long flight back and Martha enveloping him in her arms, followed by weeks of sadness. 

Blinking rapidly, Jared bit his lip. It probably wasn't a good time, Jensen was still healing. Yet, was there ever a good time? “Jen? Can we please talk about that summer? Not necessarily now but well, someday? Soon? It's still haunting me.”

Jensen flinched at the wording, yet understood Jared completely. “Make it now. Now is as good a time as any, Jared.”

Jared nodded gratefully, arranging his thoughts. “I get that me being with you was the very naive dream of a fifteen-year-old-boy. I get that the thought to be with me was alien, maybe even inappropriate with our history as best friends forever. I get that Mitch was a more fitting choice for you,” Jared started, proud of how neutral he sounded, while emotions of course were bubbling inside him. Even after ten years, it still was painful .”Yet, what I still don't get is why you treated me like that, Jen. I mean, I was your best friend. Came all the way from Orcas Island to spend the summer with you and you treated me like shit. You ignored me, man. From the moment I stepped off that plane. I think we didn't talk more than a few words. You acted like I had the plague. Why?”

Jensen blew out his breath, knowing that he had behaved horribly, for no good reason. “There is no excuse for what I did, Jare, and it's the lamest reason. Mitch had me under his spell. I'm not saying that he made me do it, it was me all alone, and I don't blame him. It's only myself I blame, but I wanted to please him. I wanted him to see me as the cool, tough, independent guy who was just one step away from being an adult. Not vulnerable and affectionate. You were like my baby brother, Jared. I always tried to protect you. You were my weak spot and I didn't want Mitch to see me weak. I wanted him to see me strong. And once it started, it sort of got out of hand and developed an energy of its own.'' He paused, playing with his half full coffee mug, yet looking at Jared openly, his expression pained and sheepish. “Nowadays? I know that what some people see as a weakness is strength. I know that there is nothing wrong with showing affection. Most of all, I know that what I did was inexcusable. Yet you're here, still looking at me like I could get you to the stars and the moon, being the most amazing person ever,” Jensen said in amazement, because he just couldn't help still being astonished about Jared's big, forgiving and loving heart.

“So um, you practically just wanted to show off? Pretend to be a cool guy?” Jared asked, just to be sure that he had understood his friend correctly. “It wasn't something I did or said?”

“No, midget.” Jensen let go of the mug and took Jared's hands instead, playing with his fingers. Such nice fingers, on such a big hand. Soft, gentle and kind. Deft and curious. “You did nothing wrong. It was all me, being blind and stupid. I wanted to be liked by someone who wasn't worth it and almost let go of someone who already loved me and who was worth a million. I just didn't see that. I'm very sorry, Jare, for not seeing you, and for treating you like that, and for talking to you like that. I'm sorry for everything.”

Peace overcame Jared. Not because he had finally heard an excuse, but because he finally learned that it had not been his fault. “Just never do it again, Jen. Hurting me so much and pretending to be someone else. The way you are?” Jared looked at Jensen, at the gaunt, pale face, with shadows beneath his eyes and the haggard body that held such a good soul. “It's perfect.”

A soft shade of pink colored his pale cheeks and Jensen looked at the fingers that were holding his, feeling very blessed. “What happened after you left San Antonio?”

Jared squeezed his eyes shut. “I don't want to sound too dramatic, but darkness came, Jensen. I was a wreck. My best friend had abandoned me and I -” Jared shook his head. He hadn't been suicidal, but he had lost his smile, his laughter, his appetite and his peace. On particularly bad days, he had wondered what he was living for in a life without Jensen in it. “I was in a very bad place. It was like when my parents died, you know? This mixture of shock, anger, disbelief and pain. I didn't understand why it had happened. I'm not sure if you knew, but Martha talked to your folks several times, but Donna and Alan were as clueless as we were. I felt like walking blindly through a deep dark nothingness and honestly, without Martha, I'm not sure if I would have made it out of it. She was awesome, Jensen. Helping in a way I'm not even sure Mom would have helped. First of all, she treated me like an adult. Shared a lot of personal experiences with me. It was actually her who made me see that in the cosmos of Jared and Jensen's friendship, what happened was just a grain of sand. That I need to overlook that halo-effect, and remember all the good things you did. She bought me a journal, and actually asked me to write down the good things, everything I remember.”

Jensen's eyes widened. “A book of friendship?”

“Indeed. I still remember that it took me a while to write the first few words, but then, I filled it. With memories and photos.” Maybe, one day, he would share it with Jensen, but not now, not yet. It was hidden safely, underneath a loose floorboard no one knew about but him. “It really helped. It was Martha who made me write that first Christmas card. That first text. She really was a wise woman, Jen.”

The news that Jared had suffered so much didn't come as a surprise, yet still shocked Jensen. Deep down he of course had known that his behavior had consequences but back then, Jensen had just brushed it away ruthlessly, had not tried to think about it as he had pushed through his own interests. Self-consciously, he bit his lip, knowing that the disappointed looks and pouts he had gotten from his parents and the detention had not been punishment enough.

“I got the longest house arrest ever, was just allowed to leave the property for school, sports, and church groups. My folks demanded to know what was wrong and gave me a good talking to about how to treat people right, but um, I still remember how I refused to tell them much.” It was only half of the story. The way he had let it escalate had gnawed at Jensen's conscience once Jared had left and had afflicted him, too. Normally, Jensen wasn't that insensitive and egoistic. His behavior and carelessness had shocked Jensen himself, yet he had been too big a coward to just call Jared and say sorry.

“I still remember how humble that Christmas card made me feel and I think it was this humility that kept that distance between us, you know? I shut myself down, didn't give much away anymore, was short spoken in texts or calls, because I was horribly ashamed of what I did, yet didn't know how to apologize. I had long realized that you were so much better than me. Then it got that dynamic, you know, and your behavior matched mine and it all went down the drain.” Shaking his head, Jensen took a sip of his meanwhile only lukewarm caffeine, scrunching his face because as much as he loved coffee, he prefered it hot. “You really taught me a couple of very important lessons about forgiveness, Jare. I'm still not sure how I deserve all that.”

Jared had watched Jensen thoroughly, had seen the shock in his face and the guilt in his posture, had heard the genuinity in his words. “Everyone deserves a second chance, especially the people you love. Now come here, Jen.” Jared opened his arms and Jensen let himself fall against his chest.

For minutes, they hugged, shared space and air and the knowledge that eventually, after more than ten years, things were finally good between them.

***

A few days before Christmas, the weather changed. The temperatures dropped below freezing point, turning rain into snow that fell down peacefully, because finally, the strong gusts had changed into a breeze. Every day, the snow mantle got a little higher, covering everything in fluffy caps, too weak branches breaking underneath the weight. It was stunningly beautiful and Jensen, who hadn't seen that much snow for ten years, couldn't get enough of it. Sometimes, he stood in front of his window, staring outside into the snowy landscape and watching the snow fall. From time to time, he went outside, Jared by his side, on short walks. The privations of the last weeks had weakened him, but while the restlessness from earlier had gone, he still wanted to be outside and feel the cold on his cheeks, hear the snow crunching beneath his boots and smell that crystal clear scent of a clear winter day by the sea.

Besides, those winter walks were theirs. Jared's job kept him busy but in the hours they spent outside, they both could clear their heads and let go. Sharing random stories of the past decade, about times at college, friends and partners, vacations, games or concerts they had been to, books they had read or movies they had watched, they caught up, converging with every conversation. They were alike in some things and different in others, sun to the other's moon and the other way round. Friends again, but their friendship had changed.

Now, they were aware of how fragile even the best friendship could be, and they treated each other with even more care and respect. It was the little things; how Jensen would bring Jared a mug of coffee, cookies or chocolates in the most unlikely times, how he would feed the fire in his office, when Jared was too lost in the text he was editing to remember something as mundane as warmth, or how Jensen would remind Jared to go to bed. In return, Jared showered Jensen with affection, smiles and attention and it was like balm on his hurting soul that had slowly started to heal.

They spent the Christmas holidays in quiet togetherness. There was no tree, no Christmas carols or special food. Not even presents or Christmas decorations. And yet, it was special. Jared closed his laptop away and switched off his cell, so as to be at peace and on Christmas Eve, they walked around the lake, looking at its snow-covered icy surface, wondering if it was strong enough to hold their weight, so that they could be kids again. “Soon Jen,” Jared stated, slipping his arm around Jensen and pulling him against his side.

That night, as they were drinking eggnog, sitting on the sofa, each in their corner, their legs covered by Jared's blanket and their feet touching, the room only lit by the crackling fire and a few candles that stood on either the coffee table or the shelves, Jensen told Jared about his last year. While he didn't leave anything major out, it wasn't in-depth, more like a news report, yet, Jared heard the unspoken things, too.

For once, there were no tears, just trembling voices, shaking hands and pained looks, and when Jensen was finally done, he was drained, yet thankful, for having told his story and for having someone who had listened.

Some more days passed, and the year came to a close. Jared's friends had invited him to a New Year's Eve party, but he had decided against going. He could have brought Jensen, but somehow it seemed important to start the year with no one else but Jensen. It was a very quiet evening, watching movies together, drinking wine, and nibbling snacks. A few minutes before midnight, Jared and Jensen slipped into their outdoor clothes. The air was bitter cold, the sky the darkest blue imaginable, silver stars sparkling. In the distance, they could see fireworks and they hugged, even before a soft tone on Jared's cell announced the new day and the new year.

“Happy New Year, midget,” Jensen said gently, doing something he had never done before and kissing the corner of Jared's mouth. Just like in the distance, fireworks erupted inside Jared and warmth spread through him, joined with hope. “Thanks for giving me a home.”

Inside, Jared melted into a puddle of goo. The lighthouse and him, they were Jensen's home. Just like Jensen and the lighthouse were Jared's home. It painted a smile on his face and whipped his heart to an exciting gallop. It meant something. Everything, actually. “Happy New Year, Jen.”

Only after several minutes, Jared started to light the fireworks and, arms wrapped around each other, they watched them explode in a burst of silver, red or golden stars. Even when the fireworks were long gone, they were still standing together, watching the night sky, not only united in friendship but also in love.

Now

Orcas Island, January 2021

The air in the loft was ice-cold yet dry and stale and Jared shivered as he switched on the dim light. He hadn't been up there for years, the last time a few weeks after Martha had died and he had reluctantly cleared her bedroom and had packed some of her most precious belongings away. Then, Jared had spotted the ice skaters on a heap between two boxes and that's where they still were, waiting to be used again. Several pairs, long unused, definitely older in age than Jared himself, the skid still sharp and the leather still soft. There were the skaters Jared had worn in that winter, too small for him now, the one Jensen had used, which would probably still fit, because Jensen hadn't grown much in height, and another pair of adult skaters. Jared didn't really know where they were coming from and had no one to ask. Maybe guests had left them behind, in the early years, when Martha had been running the B&B all through the year, or past owners of the lighthouse. Maybe they had been of the family Martha once had had; a partner and his kid, who had been living with her for several years and had disappeared as suddenly as they had arrived. It didn't really matter; they would get in use now, would probably put a smile on Jensen's face, and that was the most important thing.

Taking the ice skaters, Jared went downstairs again, the door to Jensen's room still closed, the occasional soft grunt proof enough that Jensen was still sleeping. It made Jared smile fondly and as quietly as possible, he sneaked back to the first floor, grateful that Jensen finally had restful sleeps again that weren't disturbed by delirium or nightmares.

There was a door that led directly into the garage, where Jared hid the ice skaters in the trunk of his car, the sleeping bag that was stored in a wardrobe and a net filled with dry wood following it. With the days being so short and Jensen still slumbering, it was unlikely they would go today, but at least now, Jared was prepared.

Back in the kitchen, Jared started to prepare some lunch for himself, just salad, potatoes and a thin slice of chicken breast because he just could not wait for Jensen to wake up anymore, he was starving. Half an hour later, he had just cut the first piece of meat and was chewing it happily, the kitchen door opened and Jensen finally joined him. Still wearing his pajamas, warm woolen socks once knitted by Martha, hair tousled and expression soft in a face with cheeks red from sleep, he looked like a little boy.

“Good afternoon to you.” Jared put his cutlery away and got up to wrap Jensen into a gentle hug. “Happy New Year.”

Sighing happily, Jensen let himself be enveloped in Jared's warmth, the fragrance of his aftershave tickling his nose. “Let's make it a good one, midget.” Jensen was adamant to change his life for the better again. Asking Jared for help had been a first step and receiving so much friendship had given Jensen such a boost that he saw the start of the new year as the chance he had been waiting for. He'd go looking for a part-time job, so that he could go back to school, learn something different. It wasn't too late for a new career. Jensen had also decided to stay. Even if Jared threw him out of the lighthouse, he didn't want to go back to Texas. Maybe then, he'd move to the mainland, but he wanted to stay close to his friend. Stay in touch.

Eventually, Jared let go of the embrace, and Jensen busied himself with preparing a light breakfast at the counter. Coffee with a splash of milk and bread with some honey. “So, I've decided to go looking for a job. I can't mooch off your money for much longer. And I'd love to go back to school. Take some courses. Learn something different. I think what happened in San Antonio scorched the earth for any further career in childcare, and while it hurts, I'd rather start something new.”

“You don't mooch off my money, Jen,” Jared stated once he had swallowed his bite of potato, “but I'm still happy you're looking for a job. Get to know people. Be whoever you want to be. Orcas is just small, but you know we get tourists in summer and there are possibilities.”

Taking his mug of coffee and the plate with the two slices of bread, Jensen joined Jared at the table. “I know that I wouldn't be able to sit in an office all the time. I need to be on my feet. Work in a team.”

“You could be a fisherman,” Jared deadpanned . “Or I don't know, a lumberman. Ranger. Mechanic. Roofer. Engineer. My room mate and best friend.”

“Room mate and best friend sounds definitely like a wonderful career choice, Jare.” Jensen smiled warmly.

“So, you'll stay?” Jared asked, just to be sure, while his heart already somersaulted happily. It felt good to not be alone in that big house, to share its coziness with someone special.

“I'll stay. Until you kick me out for the sake of your next friend with benefits.”

“Not gonna happen,” Jared said. “This is your home now, and nothing will ever change it.” Besides, Jared hoped that maybe, one day, Jensen would be that friend with benefits, just that he wanted him to be far more than a friend with benefits, but a real partner and boyfriend. He wasn't the naive teenage boy anymore, was a deft and experienced lover and he was quite sure he read the signs right. The attraction and electricity between them, the love and care in their casual touches and the gentle hugs. The light in Jensen's eyes. “Let's drink on it.” A year ago, one of the authors he was working for had sent him a very exquisite bottle of Scotch and Jared only took small sips when there was either something to celebrate or in a time of need.

With half-closed eyes, they sipped on the dark amber liquid, enjoying its taste, talking, bantering, and laughing, making plans to go back to San Antonio together to get the rest of Jensen's belongings so he would have a piece of his old home in his new home.

***

“Here we are,” Jared announced, taking Jensen's hand and pulling him out of the car.

Blindfolded as Jensen was, he couldn't see anything, but he could feel the winter sun on his skin, the ice-cold air kissing his cheeks and the snow beneath his feet. It was high, definitely higher than on a cleared parking lot, because he could feel its coldness and wetness against the hem of his jeans.

An hour ago, Jared had taken the car and had disappeared for a while, without any explanation. Once he had been back, he had told Jensen to get into his outdoor clothes and, after he had asked Jensen if he trusted him, had blindfolded him, before he had pushed him gently into the car. If he had been with anybody else, Jensen would probably have panicked, but Jared had talked to him pretty much constantly, and once in a while, he had touched Jensen's wrist, just to show him that he was still there.

The ride had not taken too long, but being blindfolded confused Jensen and he somehow had lost his sense of time. While he wasn't quite sure where they could be, he was sure that they were in the wilderness, not in one of the villages, the quiet of the morning, the rustle of the leaves and the sounds of animals another hint.

“I hope you like it, Jen,” Jared announced, taking off the blindfold gently.

For the first few moments, Jensen was blinded because the sun reflected it brightly, and he had to blink a few times and look at his feet. Once his eyes had adjusted to the brightness, he stared, a happy squee escaping his lips. He was looking at the frozen lake, the reed growing on its bank covered by ice and frost, sparkling like diamonds. There was a tent, to protect them from the wind that was an almost steady companion here on the island, and a fire that needed to be fed again. A small camping table with boxes that was filled with treats. And of course, two pairs of ice skaters lying in a cardboard box. It looked almost like eleven years ago and the sight made Jensen all warm and fuzzy inside.

“It's perfect,” Jensen squealed with glee, feeling like a ten-year-old-girl, but the sight really made him happy.

Jared made him happy, Jensen noticed. It was the little things he did that were the most meaningful. Like a cup of coffee in the morning, perfectly brewed and prepared just the way he liked it best. The red wine from that vineyard in Napa Valley, a medium steak once a week. His favorite ice-cream, or the hoodie Jared had left to Jensen, after Jensen had nicked it once and had mentioned how fluffy and fleecy and super comfortable it was. And now this. A childhood memory brought back to life.

“Thank you, midget.” Wrapping his arms around Jared's neck, Jensen pressed a smack on his cheek and held on for a little longer. Hugging Jared? It was the best feeling ever. It beat Mitch, Casper, Tim, Amos and of course Brandon by far. Jared smelled so good, and he was warm and cuddly. His grown up midget.

He loved Jared, Jensen noticed. Now more than ever, differently than ever, the way Jared had loved him for the last eleven years. Suddenly, it didn't matter that they had grown up like brothers, simply because they weren't blood. They were family in their hearts, and thinking about it, loving Jared in that other way would be the last step. Maybe it was the only logical step? Written in the stars the moment Sherri had placed baby Jared into his arms.

“Jen?” Jared ripped Jensen out of his musings, stepping a little back but not letting go of him. “How about we skate a round or two?”

“Absolutely.” As Jensen tied his skaters, his hands were shaking and again and again, he was looking inconspicuously at his friend. Realizing his feelings were huge and yet, Jensen was calm. Didn't freak, was just excited. Curious. Jensen was wondering if Jared still liked him like that, too. Probably he did. Otherwise he wouldn't have done all that for him.

“Now come.” Jared led the way, walking awkwardly through the ankle deep snow to the lake. “I checked several times, even called the rangers. It's safe.”

The moment Jensen stepped onto the slippery surface, Jared's mittened hands were in his, and skating backwards, he tugged Jensen into the middle of the lake, smiling, the wind blowing gently through the tips of his hair that weren't covered by his beanie. Jared was a skilled ice skater, having spent hours on the lakes here on the island in winter, and Jensen, who was by far not that good and really rusty, felt very safe with Jared. There was nothing but their pace, the feeling of the skid sliding over the ice, the wind against their cheeks and Jared's smile on his lips, his cheeks and in his eyes. The way Jared moved, pulling Jensen with him, looked as if they were dancing together and eventually, Jared came closer, letting go of Jensen's hands, reducing his pace until he stopped, Jensen bumping against him gently.

Arms wrapped around him instantly, and their faces were quite close, their eyes locking, their mouths suddenly dry and their hands sweaty in their woolen mittens. The vibe was strong, undeniable. “Jare, I-” Jensen said, moistening his lips. “I was stupid and blind, ten years ago.”

“Just as I was naive,” Jared said, swallowing hard. His heart was racing and he was close to being sick, in a very good way though. “But um, we grew up. I know you finally see me and I -.” Jared shrugged. “I'm still a little naive, hope that this is how it's meant to be.” 

“This is definitely how it's meant to be, midget.” It was Jensen who leaned in, brushing his lips over Jared's. Fireworks exploded, not one, but countless, sending waves after waves of pleasure through all of Jared's body, from toe to head and back again, driving the nausea away instantly.

Sighing happily, Jensen deepened the kiss, Jared returning it, as gentle as he hugged him goodnight, as lovingly as he had nursed him during his sickness, as welcoming as Jared had let him into his home and life. It felt so right, so good, so perfect, that new, so far unknown connection. Once in a while, they took little gasps of oxygen, yet their lips were drawn back to the other's, while their hands moved over necks and ears. There were far too many layers of fabric covering their bodies, and Jensen was curious, wanted to unwrap Jared like the belated Christmas present he was, yet it seemed too horny, needy and ungrateful to urge Jared home.

“Mmm,” Jared moaned, rubbing his cheek over Jensen's, whispering into his ear. “How about we get somewhere private and um, warm.”

“But the pic-”

“Forget the picnic, Jen. Forget ice skating. We can go ice skating for the rest of our lives. But this here? You and me, finally together? This calls for a,” he paused, smirking sassily, “celebration.” Twining his hand with Jensen, Jared moved back to the bank of the lake, Jensen stumbling over the ice less than elegantly.

“This was a very short day out ice skating,” Jensen stated dryly, while he untied his boots as quickly as possible. The sooner they were back, the sooner he could be with Jared.

“Yet very productive,” Jared bantered, slipping into his boots, even before Jensen was done.

They broke camp in record breaking time, just tore the tent down, threw the sleeping bag into the back of Jared's car, just like the net with the logs. Last were the fire and the food. “We'll just have that picnic in my bedroom. Naked,” Jared suggested, wiggling his brow, before he crashed his lips against Jensen's again. They were velvety and soft like a pillow, tasted salty and minty, with a pinch of Jensen in them and he already was addicted to them. “Now come.”

They hurried to Jared's car, and as fast as the condition of the streets allowed, Jared made it back to the lighthouse. The moment they left the car, their jackets, mittens, scarves and beanies fell onto the less than clean floor in the garage. The shoes followed the moment they stepped into the hallway before Jensen found himself pinned against the wall, Jared's very eager lips on his mouth, cheek, jaw, neck, collarbone and ear, while his fingers sneaked beneath the layers of clothes curiously, brushing gently over the skin on Jensen's waist. They tugged at the hoodie gently, and it was gone, Jared's own woolen pullover joining it quickly. It was cliche, yet exciting, the way they fumbled on each other's clothes, their whispered words of want and need mixed with avid moans and sighs. They hurried upstairs, their hands linked together, crashing against the door to the master bedroom, Jensen already twiddling with Jared's jeans. It should feel weird, touching Jared in that way, but it didn't. It was okay. More than that. It was mindblowing.

The sound that escaped Jared's lips was one Jensen had never heard before. A mixture of surprise and excitement, spiced with pure well-being. “God Jen,” Jared gushed, opening the door to his room and tugging Jensen with him.

Greedily, Jared and Jensen pulled at each other's clothes, before Jared picked him up, as if Jensen weighed nothing, and placed him in the middle of his custom-made huge bed. Deft fingers pulled down jeans and briefs and finally, Jensen was lying before him in all his stunning beauty. He was still too skinny, but there were freckles, simply everywhere, even below the happy trail, and his skin was smooth and pale. The bowed legs were more prominent than ever, spread wide, the space between them Jared's road to bliss. “Breathtaking.” Jared pressed a random kiss against Jensen's belly and nibbled the skin gently as Jensen's arms came around him and pulled him against his chest.

Naked torsos glued together, they kissed, stole each other's breath, licked and tasted, moaned and sighed. Jensen let his hands glide down Jared's back, the perfect curve of his spine, feeling the knobs of each vertebrae, the heat of his skin, the muscles beneath it. His curious hands slipped underneath the waistband of his jeans, along the well-formed hills that were Jared's butts, squeezing them gently, before he decided, “These pants need to go. Now.”

Laughing, Jared rolled off Jensen, and, closing his eyes, let himself be stripped of his jeans and briefs. It was pure bliss, Jensen's hot fingertips ghosting over his groin, tugging down the jeans, stroking, petting and caressing his thighs, knees and lower leg, even his feet and toes. Then, suddenly, those gentle hands were gone and Jared opened his eyes, locking them with Jensen's. They looked at him in wonder and he reached out nothing but his index, placed it in the middle of Jared's forehead and slowly, deliberately, trailed his finger along Jared's body, pausing briefly, looking as if he had never seen anything like that before, until Jensen reached Jared's big toe.

“Not a midget any longer,” Jensen said in amazement, looking at the proud half-hard cock, at the long, muscled torso that looked as if designed by a sculptor in ancient Rome and at the face, the dimples unchanged, yet hidden by a scratchy stubble, the features not soft like a kid's but defined. “You grew into such a stunning man. How could I not see it, Jared? And I'm not talking about your looks, but about your heart.” He placed his hand against said heart, feeling the soft beat vibrate against his fingertips.

“You were a seventeen-year-old boy who was thinking with his downstairs brain, if at all. Please never mention it again, Jensen. It's long forgiven and when you look at me like this, forgotten, too. And no matter how stunning or tall I am, I'll always stay your midget. So,” he placed his hand around Jensen's neck, pulling him a little closer, “how about we find out who's top or bottom in our relationship?”

“I'm whoever you want me to be, Jare, as long as I can be with you,” Jensen whispered, placing his hand onto Jared's dick, starting a very gentle foreplay.

***

“I think that makes us both bottops,” Jensen said happily, snuggling against Jared, “or topoms.”

Jared chuckled, brushing his fingers over Jensen's forehead that was covered with a bit of moisture. “I guess you're right.” No matter how, being with Jensen had felt just right. Not once had sex, a kiss or something as simple as snuggling made him feel like this. Whole and complete.

Lazily, Jared moved his fingers along Jensen's jaw and pulled him in for a kiss, not hungry like they had shared earlier, in between their love making, but gentle, a celebration of the feelings they finally admitted to each other. “It's good to switch, Jen. Gives each of us the best of both worlds. Two halves, one whole.”

“That sounds wonderfully romantic,” Jensen admitted, letting his hand glide over Jared's body without a goal before it settled in the flat dale of his belly, teasing it tiredly. “Mmm,” Jensen sighed, “that's nice, you know? The way you hold me, and how warm you are, and well, just everything. It's the closeness we always had, but still different.”

“Just a step further, Jen.” Tiredness tugged at Jared's mind. The lack of sleep from New Year's Eve, the often long days to keep his schedules and now, hours of making out and making love and the emotions that were involved with it. So much more than an act, so different from Neil and all the other guys Jared had fucked, without investing too many feelings. “Not sure about you, but I could sleep now.”

“Yeah.” Jensen wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay. Jared had once mentioned that he had never asked his partners to stay, at least not for the whole night. Lifting the cover, Jensen got ready to move into his own room. “I think I -”

“I don't think so, Jen. Stay. Please.”

Jensen's heart skipped a beat. He knew what a big thing it was for Jared. It was something different than all the other times before. They were naked, their legs were caressing each other, Jensen's pillow was Jared's chest. It was intimate. Relationship material. Family in more than just a friendly way. “Sure?”

“Sure. I think I finally know what I want from life. Who I want to be and most of all, who I want to be with.”

“And that would be?”

“You and me.”

“Does that mean I can stay tomorrow night, too?” Jared's bed was heavenly comfortable, especially because of its other occupant, the warm, fleecy cover, the additional pillows and blankets and the view it offered.

Furrowing his brow and forming his lips into a little pout, as if to think about Jensen's request, Jared paused, looking at the boy who used to be his best friend forever who turned into the man who would be his partner until death parted them. It was written in the stars, an undeniable fact, Jared was sure of it. It had been their fate, from the first moment Sherri had placed Jared in Jensen's arms. “It means you can stay forever, Jen.”

Pure happiness overcame Jensen, stronger and more beautiful than ever before. “Forever sounds good, midget.”

With watery eyes, Jensen caught Jared's lips in a kiss, soft and gentle, realizing that some things maybe were meant to be. Like Jared and Jensen.

The End