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Tony stumbled into his lab.
It was past midnight when inspiration hit.
He threw himself into the nearest chair and-
There was a noise from the corner.
Tony jumped up, reaching for the nearest weapon. A spanner. Why did he even have a spanner? Hadn’t he made them obsolete yet?
Tony shifted. JARVIS was offline, this was his bi-annual downtime.
Even so, no one should have been able to get into his lab without the code.
There was a groan as Tony stepped closer.
“Okay,” Tony said loudly, really hoping that his machines hadn’t turned murderous. Again.
There was another groan.
“Wade?”
Wade lifted his head from the floor.
Tony lowered the spanner in shock.
“What happened?”
Wade shrugged. At least he tried to.
Where the hell where his arms?
“Hulk and I got into a disagreement.” He gestured his head. “Could you pass me my arms?”
Tony dropped the spanner. “Sure,” he said, biting back a bit of revulsion. He collected the arms delicately and watched Wade reattach them. “And Jolly Green dropped you here?”
“I think he’s hoping I’ll get smarter by being around all these science things.”
“Apparatus,” Tony told him, sitting on the floor opposite him. At least that explained how he got in. Bruce had a lab pass and the computers wouldn’t pick up Wade if he was dead.
Wade sat up and leant against the wall. “Sorry about the blood,” he offered.
Tony waved a hand. “No worries, I was looking to add a mad scientist feel to the place.”
Wade grinned sheepishly as he looked at the spatters of blood on the ground. “Well, hey, I’m always happy to add to the décor.”
“Wish you’d told me that before I decorated,” Tony mock complained. “Why spend thousands on wallpaper when I coulda had you bleeding all over the place?”
Wade shrugged. “Well, maybe if you’d picked up my calls…”
“Maybe if you didn’t kill people.”
Wade stuck out his lip. “I don’t do it much anymore.”
“Really?” He was being sarcastic.
“Yep.” Wade was nodding, obviously missing the sarcasm. “Not for at least a year or two. Now that I’m spending time with the Avengers.” He put up the quotation marks. “Can’t tarnish your rep, Mr Stark.”
“Doctor,” Tony corrected absently.
“Ooh, Doctor.” Wade make a point of looking around. “You got a TARDIS stashed?”
“You’re leaning against it.”
Wade jumped up and began staring at the wall enthusiastically. “Really?”
Tony snorted. “I’ll never tell.”
XXX
“You’re definitely a Carrie.”
Tony raised an eyebrow at the man sitting on the couch opposite. “Excuse me, I am definitely a Samantha.”
Wade shook his head. “Nope. Carrie. Except instead of writing news articles, you create look-a-like robots, and instead of helping with relationships, you help with, y’know, superheros. And you both stay up all night drinking coffee.”
Tony gave him an incredulous look and started counting off points on his fingers. “I’m really rich, media-involved, I’m smart, manipulative, and sex-driven. Try-sexual, right?”
Clint and Natasha watched the exchange from the other side of the room.
“Is… is that really happening?” Clint asked.
Natasha opened her mouth and shut it, looking back to the chessboard between them. “Your move.”
In the end, they compromised. Tony was Samantha, Wade was Charlotte.
XXX
“Oh, baby,” Wade said, slumping on Tony’s bed. “Your room is so sweet.”
“Benefits of being rich.”
Wade muttered something under his breath.
“Something wrong?” Tony asked innocently.
“Just testing how good the audio is in the room,” Wade replied.
“Right.”
Wade nodded. “Wait, ew.” He jumped from the bed. “How many women have you slept with on this bed?” He began brushing off his suit. “Ew, ew, ew.”
Tony gave him a bemused look. “Glad you have such faith in me.”
“You demanded to be called Samantha, I’m not gonna take any chances.”
XXX
Pepper walked in the room.
“No,” she said.
Then she walked out again.
“Ooh, Pepper!” Tony said, chasing after her and leading her back into his room.
Wade grinned lazily from the bed. “Hey Virginia.”
Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose. “What is going on?”
The men gave her matching innocent looks.
“Why, Pepper, whatever do you mean?”
“Can’t two men swap outfits without being criticised?”
“What a narrow world view you have,” Tony shook his head sadly.
Because that’s what they had done – Tony clad in the Deadpool outfit, too big for him, especially around the shoulders, Wade in one of Tony’s tight (especially tight on Wade) tank-tops and pants, Tony’s working chic.
“Nope.” Pepper walked out again.
XXX
“Should I even ask?” Rhodey asked, entering the lab, where Tony was, for lack of better words, sitting on Wade’s shoulders as Wade braced against a wall.
Tony made an annoyed grunt. “Just a little…further.”
“Tony!” Rhodey said loudly.
Tony shot him a look. “Unless you’re going to help me catch this thing,” he put a finger to his lips. “Shh.”
Rhodey sidled up next to them and looked up. “Oh.”
There was a little metal bat fluttering around the roof.
“Dangerous?” Rhodey whispered.
Wade grinned. “Incredibly.”
“So why is Tony the one catching him?”
“My face is a treasure,” Wade told him. “Ow!”
Tony had kicked him. “My face is an actual treasure. I’m the only one who can deactivate it,” he told Rhodey in a calmer tone.
“And instead of getting the Iron Man suit you decided to straddle Wade’s back.”
The two men stopped. Wade looked up at Tony.
“That could work,” they admitted.
XXX
“Because,” Tony said for the umpteenth time. “You’re spending too much time here anyway.”
Wade sat on the bed dumbly. “This… Uh… It’s nice,” he said finally.
Tony slipped onto the bed next to him and elbowed him. “Thank you Tony,” he prompted.
“Thanks Doctor.” He looked around the room. “Really? For me?”
“Hey, you let me straddle your shoulders in an admittedly ill-thought out plan, I’m giving you a floor in my admittedly awesome super-tower.”
“I…” Wade looked lost.
Tony grinned at him. “And you can always pay me back.”
Wade gave him a suspicious look. “How?”
Tony stood up again. “By admitting how absolutely awesome I am. And,” he turned to Wade and enunciated the next words. “How Star Trek: Next Gen is better than TOS.”
Wade’s eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.”
Tony nodded. “Oh I would. I think you should start by how cool Picard is compared to Kirk. Ooh, no wait, how Data would kick Spock’s ass.”
Wade looked at him in utter horror. “You’re a monster.”
“And you’re going to be living with me,” Tony finished smugly. He waved his hands. “And the rest of the Avengers, I suppose. You have to tell them how awesome Picard is too.” His eyes widened dramatically. “No, wait. Star Trek Enterprise!” He punched the air, then wagged his finger at Wade. “You have to publically declare that Enterprise is the best Star Trek series ever.”
“Blasphemy.” Wade choked out.
Tony nodded evilly. “Oh, this is going to be fun.”