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Sex.
Snowball fucking hated that word. The idea of pleasure was great but overrated. But sex? Someone else just... doing that to you? Someone towering over you and controlling how you felt? Or doing that to someone else? It made him wanna cry. Maybe because of trauma, or just general disgust. Bodies were gross, anyways. But he wanted that closeness. Plus pleasure was good. Maybe he hated sex because of that one thing that happened to him when he was super young that he can't fucking remember.
Why was he thinking about this? Why? Why couldn't he just think about normal-ass shit?? Like how he was gonna hang out with his buddies tomorrow? Well, more like later, it's 3:00 in the morning right now. But no, he was thinking about sex. Sex. Sex. Sex.
The word made him want to start crying.
For some reason, he suddenly remembered Lightning and their relationship. He always wanted sex. He never forced anything onto Snowball, but would get a bit upset when Snowball didn't want to fuck.
God, that's why he fucking left him, right?
Snowball felt tears threatening to burst from his eyes as he grabbed his curls.
Why was he so fucked up? Why was he broken? Why couldn't he be normal? Why was he so unlovable?
Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Fuck.
Snowball tried to breathe, but he could only get small gasps of air in between sobs. Tears flowed down his cheeks and onto his pillow. He didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. He tried taking deep breaths, like really, really tried. He felt so fucking guilty. He and Lightning broke up a week ago, and then he was gone the next day. Four told them that he opted out of the competition. It's all his fault. All his fault.
Snowball jumped when he heard a soft knock on the door.
"Uh, Snow? You ok in there?"
Match.
Fuck, was he that loud?
"Uh, yea, just watching something."
Silence. Then the door opened. Match peered in. "It doesn't look like you're watching something." Snowball looked down. He didn't wanna talk to anyone right now, not even to Match. "I just need to know you're okay." Snowball turned his head, the rest of his body buried under his comforter. "I'll be fine." Match looked at him, worry still painted all over her face.
"Okay, just... Just come to me when you need something, okay?"
Snowball nodded. And with that, Match closed the door. And Snowball was left alone with his thoughts. Again.
He turned onto his side. He'll just sleep it off. He'll feel better when he wakes up. But he still felt like sobbing.
Snowball checked the time on his phone. 3:24 AM. He sighed as he got up, went to the bathroom, and ran the shower. A nice, hot shower should make him a bit happier.