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Max couldn’t concentrate. The pounding behind her temples had migrated to sit behind her eyes, and she was convinced that she was now immune to the painkillers. She had taken two when she woke up and clearly she required more today. Even when the relief from the medicine came, it was slight. The pounding in her head hadn’t left her alone since Billy died.
She had started packing the small pills in her mom’s old cigarette filter containers. They were small enough to hold a few at a time, and perfect to sneak and take in class. She shook two of the pink pills into one hand and popped them down with a quick swig of water. She faced forward and tried to look focused as she took in her peripherals. No one had seen her. She refused to look beyond her peripherals.
Max knew he saw. Lucas always saw her. But she had prayed she had done enough to push him away so he wouldn't say anything.
The slight relief from the medicine began halfway through the class and Max let her shoulders relax. Without the constant attention to the thumping in her head, the other noises of the room were more bearable. The world was so much brighter and better without the constant pounding.
The bell rang, shaking Max out of her thoughts. Grabbing her backpack, she headed into the busy hall.
Lucas was at her side in seconds.
“Max,” he started.
She hated this. She hated hearing his voice and his persistent presence even though she clearly had told him it was over.
And yet, at the same time, she was glad Lucas was next to her. Just his presence made the world a few degrees warmer.
“Lucas,” she replied shortly. His name felt familiar in too many ways and she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud these days. Even in her mind she called him "Sinclair". It helped that he wasn't the young baby-faced boy anymore; his face was longer and his voice had gotten a bit deeper.
Today, he was decked out in his usual letterman jacket and jeans and the edges of his hair looked freshly shaved.
Max blinked, breaking her study of him.
Lucas looked around the busy hallway before pulling her into an empty classroom.
“Lucas, I have class,” she pushed. "I have to go."
“I know something’s wrong,” he said earnestly. He stood in front of her, his height blocking her escape to the hallway. She refused to find any comfort in it.
Max avoided his concerned look, refusing to look too deeply in his eyes. She was sure that if anyone could bring the wracking sadness out of her, it was him. Better to avoid that, especially at school. She kept her gaze away from his. “Nothing is wrong.”
She wasn’t lying to him if she wasn’t looking at him. She was simply talking to the floor.
“Max, I can see you in class. You’re basically eating that container of pills you have.” He looked at her, pushing a stray strand of red hair from her face.
Max pulled her head away.
Lucas sighed and reached for her hand, frowning when she pulled away again. “You can talk to me,” he said softly. “You know that.”
“I don’t want to,” she said harshly, meeting his eyes. “I just don’t want to.” She willed her voice to come out harsher than she meant, hoping that would be enough to make him leave.
Please leave, she inwardly pleaded. But a deeper part of her, under all the sadness and foggy blanket of guilt, something whispered, wishing for him to stay.
"You're still a terrible liar," Lucas replied.
“Am not,” Max retorted automatically.
“Are too,” Lucas argued.
Even a hint at their old banter was enough to make something in Max soften. This was Lucas, the boy who could listen to her, the boy that wanted to stay by her side.
Lucas reached for her hand again, and this time, she took it.
"You wouldn't understand." The words were out before Max realized she had spoken.
"I don't have to," Lucas said softly. "But I care about you even when you're trying to ignore me."
Max rolled her eyes. “Well you refuse to leave me alone,” she replied. This time, the words were lighter and more playful than they had in months, but the pounding in her head returned.
“I know where we can talk,” Lucas said simply. He pulled her towards the hallway, but Max shook her head slowly.
The hallway was still bustling with students, and just looking at them made Max’s head ache.
“It’s too loud.” The words sounded lame in her own ears, but her heart lifted slightly when Lucas reached to put her headphones on her.
“You don’t even have to play music,” he explained, fitting the headphones over her ears. “Just to block out some of the sound.” When they were on comfortably, he nodded and pulled Max into the hallway and then out the main door.
Max blinked in the sudden brightness of outside and squinted as she allowed Lucas to lead her across the school grounds. She bit her lip at the thought of being caught; it would mean a meeting with her mom and the principal and probably Ms. Kelly.
She decided this was worth it.
Lucas stopped at a large oak tree and led her to sit with her back behind the thick trunk. It was wider than any tree trunk she had seen, and realized that it gave them the perfect cover from being seen from the school.
The grounds were quiet and as Max removed her headphones, she was grateful to hear the rustling of the changing leaves above her. On her own, she would have felt like the silence was going to overwhelm her, but with Lucas sitting next to her, it felt safer. She’d seen him go against monsters with his sling-shot and knew he was more than capable at keeping things at bay for her.
She had tried to get him to stop, but he kept showing up, kept seeing her, kept caring. It was exhaustingly sweet.
Lucas kept a hold on her hand. “So, what’s been going on?”
Max took a breath and decided it was best to start with the truth. “It’s Billy,” she started, already feeling the shakiness around the gaping sadness that had settled in her chest after Billy’s death. She squeezed her eyes shut, holding back the sudden tears that threatened to fall. She couldn’t let them. Not here. She wouldn’t be the shaking mess of a girl in front of Lucas.
“I know he was an asshole but–” Her voice shook and broke, and she took a shuddering breath in.
Lucas adjusted his hold on her hand and pulled her closer.
“He was still my brother,” she said quietly.
She wiped the stubborn tears away with the sleeve of her jacket, annoyed at her inability to keep it together. Max could still feel that rush of relief that came when Billy died followed by the intense wave of guilt that threatened to drown her. It pushed at her now, making her chest ache and stealing her resolve. Max shook her head, pushing the heels of her palms into her eyes.
Lucas simply pulled Max closer so she leaned against him, and he held her in his arms and rocked her as she cried. The tears seemed to go on forever, but his hold didn’t waver. It felt warm and inviting, and she clung to him as she fell apart.
She somehow knew that there would be no more words that she could say to tell him how she felt, but for now, right here in the courtyard in his arms, felt right.
He felt safe.
And that's all she needed for right now.