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i.
Call it a reflex, or maybe something else, but when Erwin calls Levi’s name, tone stern and uncompromising, Levi lets go of the chokehold he has on the spluttering cadet. A friend of his, another hot-headed youth, lies sprawled across the gravel, groaning.
“Squad Leader,” the soldier gasps, stumbling away from Levi immediately. Levi watches closely, motionless despite the simmering anger just under his skin as the cadet forms a clumsy salute at Erwin and the shaggy-haired Mike behind him. Of course, Levi doesn’t follow suit. “This… this thug, we can’t allow him to be among us! You can’t trust Underground scum like him!”
The anger flares, a bright spark. He’s volatile, a cloud of diffuse fury, ready to catch at the slightest flicker.
(He hasn’t felt like this for years, but grief does strange things.)
They’d snuck up on him, the both of them just as he’d left the showers, had jumped him with no explanation at all. They hadn’t posed much of a threat to him and he’d fought them off easily, but had sustained a busted lip for the first moments of surprise.
How dare they comment on his trustworthiness. Levi snarls, and he’d never admit it but it’s the lingering memory of Erwin’s admonishment that holds him back, keeps that anger in check.
Erwin’s face is impassive, dangerously so. His voice is low, controlled, and it surprises Levi: Erwin, of all people, knows the extent of his trustworthiness. Or the lack thereof. “Cadet Wer and Cadet O’Connor. Assault against our any of our soldiers is unacceptable, and I will be speaking to your Squad Leader about suitable punishment for the two of you. Future behaviour along these lines will not be tolerated and will result in the immediate termination of your military career. Is that understood?”
Mumbled affirmations, and Levi shoots them a glare as they scamper away. He wipes back of his hand against his lip, and it comes away with blood.
He looks up, expects Erwin to talk to him next, to say something along the lines of You shouldn’t have gone so far with them. Or maybe It won’t happen again; I’ll speak to the rest. He just wants to hear anything, hear Erwin acknowledge his presence and the fact that it’s been mere days since –
But the two oversized men have already turned their backs, footsteps crunching.
As he watches them leave, he hasn’t ever felt so alone.
ii.
The fog is thick, and the horses’ whinnying loud with fear as they skid in the mud. Levi’s mare’s eyes are rolling, and he places a hand on her glossy neck, praying she’ll calm.
A red flare to the right, startlingly close. A few seconds and he can no longer see it due to the fog.
Beside him, Oliver’s hand fumbles on the trigger of his own flare; a stumble by his horse and he loses his grip on it, piston and all. Poor sod’s hands are shaking so badly he can hardly grab the reins, and Levi pities him. He’s a good man and a decent soldier, but this is his first expedition and he’s terrified.
“Forget it,” Levi yells. “Head left and we’ll try to deliver the message in person!”
Oliver nods, eyes terrified, seems to cling to Levi’s words for dear life.
They veer off into a small grouping of trees. It’s quiet; the fog and soft forest floor mask the sound of the horses’ hooves.
A few minutes later, Levi can see faint outlines of the next group over. Four of them.
“It’s Squad Leader Smith!” Oliver cries, relief in his voice likely because he’s aware Mike Zacharias on Erwin’s squad is one of the most adept fighters in the Survey Corps.
Levi grimaces. As luck would have it.
He lets Oliver ride ahead to greet them and explain the situation. As his mare catches up, he feels the weight of Mike’s stare on him. The nosy bastard still doesn’t trust him, though Levi can’t exactly blame him for it. Levi lags at the back of the group after that.
No sooner had the dark-haired woman in the group sent up a red flare than a black flare went up, to their right again, the tail of it indistinct. There are thuds, ominously loud considering the muting from the soil, the irregular rhythm confirming an Aberrant.
Loud gasps. Levi turned to see Oliver pale-faced and sweating, and he remembers the last time he’d seen a black flare, remembers how it’d turned out –
“Breathe into your sleeve,” he orders as he draws his blades, muscles in his legs coiled at the ready. Adrenaline pulses through his bloodstream, and he can imagine the feeling of slicing through Titan flesh. He’s got his finger on the grapple already, feet out of stirrups when Erwin’s hand lifts.
“Mike. Dita.” His voice is terse, but calm. Authority, and Levi freezes in place.
Two grunts of acknowledgement, and the men are gone in seconds, blades flashing as they disappear into the fog.
Erwin doesn’t even turn.
Something akin to fury surges through him, replaces the adrenaline. Bastard – “Erwin,” he snarls the name, hates the feeling of it on his tongue. “I could have handled that.”
The woman riding alongside gives him a warning look, but he doesn’t heed it.
“Do you hear me? Or has your hearing gone to shit? I could have handled it!”
In the distance, faint noises of splintering trees. Levi’s the one who’s breathing hard now, mind racing. He digs his heels in, and his mare whinnies as she speeds up to Erwin’s side.
Erwin finally glances at him then, the blues of his eyes incisive. “As can they. I trust my squad, Levi, and so should you.”
Erwin pulls ahead, leaving Levi in stunned silence as the words sink in.
The two men return within minutes, steam rising off them from the Titan’s blood but they’re perfectly intact and at ease – chuckling even, camaraderie evident.
“Sophie, I’m telling you, he stole that kill from me! Add one to my kill tally, you dog-nosed bastard!”
iii.
“You asked for me?”
Levi approaches Erwin’s desk, brows furrowing as he notices the layer of dust on the wood, illuminated by a low-burning lamp. He drags a finger through it, eyes unforgiving as they meet Erwin’s sheepish gaze.
“Ah, yes. Would you be able to track down Hanji and let her know under no circumstances should she be testing serums on the newest recruits? You may … use force if necessary.”
“Got it,” he says, eyes narrowing. He gestures at Erwin’s chest. “That’s new.”
“This?” Erwin smiles, fingers brushing the emerald inset of his bolo tie, but there’s little humour in his eyes. Levi nods, curt. “Shadis retired quietly a week ago, which is also the reason I had the power to send through your application for captaincy. Admin has been under incredible stress trying to sort things out. And as such, I do not have the time to track down Hanji.”
Rolling his eyes, Levi replies, “Understood. I’ll make sure she gets the message. See you in a couple days.” He isn’t looking forward to their obligatory trip to Sina, but it’s apparently necessary for the formal processing of his captaincy.
“Thank you.”
He turns to leave.
“Wait, Levi.”
The words make him pause in his step, and he turns on his heel slowly. “What is it?” He doesn’t mean to sound impatient, not really, but there’s a small shadow that crosses Erwin’s face.
Erwin hesitates, and that piques Levi’s interest. “How about a celebratory meal? The trip to Sina and back isn’t worth the few hours we’ll spend in Mitras. Why don’t we take the evening off?”
Levi looks at his new Commander with thinly-veiled incredulity, slender brows raised in disbelief. His lip begins to curl into a sneer, but the movement wavers, unsure as he meets Erwin’s steady gaze.
“We’ve come a long way, you and I,” Erwin adds quietly.
There’s a moment that passes between them and Erwin’s sincerity becomes incredibly evident; curiously, Levi’s pulse stutters at the realization.
“Fine,” he says finally. Erwin smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes; Levi narrows his eyes again, suspicious. He turns away, heading to the door with carpet-muffled footsteps. “But make sure the cadets know that my not being here doesn’t mean they’re off cleaning duty.”
iv.
Levi is pacing, steps accentuated by the creaking of the floorboards in Erwin’s quarters as they wait for the carriage to the inner city.
Sometime between awkward shared showers and days-old reeking on expeditions, coming into Erwin’s private rooms had stopped being strange; they spend so much time together anyway that personal space is a small issue. And truth be told, he’s glad to have access to this room because before that, it’d been a disaster zone, sheets and unironed shirts strewn everywhere.
“These are the pigs that pay to keep the Underground the way it is, to keep the people down there without proper sanitation, shit in the streets because we can’t fucking afford to build a sewage system.” The shift into first person brings himself mild surprise. “Fuck, Erwin, those assholes probably don’t give two shits about what the kids have to go through, but they want me there now to watch you receive some medal?”
Erwin is quiet, eyes attentive as Levi paces. If he’s honest with himself, it helps, this calmness Erwin exudes. In a few minutes he sighs, leans against the wall and crosses his arms.
“This should be one of the very few times you’ll have to go. I’ll make certain of it,” Erwin says then, simple as that.
Outside, he hears the rattling of wheels against cobblestones, and Levi nods curtly at Erwin. Fine. He slips his coat on.
He waits for Erwin to exit before him, but his Commander stops, eyes fixed on him as he reaches out and adjusts Levi’s cravat. He’s thorough; adjusts the collar of Levi’s shirt even, and his thumb brushes against Levi’s bare throat. And Levi doesn’t – can’t – move.
Finished, Erwin meets his gaze again. And for a split second, for a wild moment Levi thinks Erwin might close the scant distance between them and kiss him.
Then the moment is over, and Erwin is out the door, confident strides.
Levi lets out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.
--
“Why are you the one who looks constipated today?” Hanji whispers, a little too loudly as she nudges Levi. The two of them are seated uncomfortably in the too-plush chairs at the front of the amphitheatre, listening to Zackley list off Erwin’s accomplishments to Sina’s nobles. Erwin himself stands to Zackley’s right, positioned slightly behind him, one fist behind his back and the other at his heart, saluting the every nobles who had scorned him for years and wished for his failure.
Hanji elbows Levi again, who shoots her a filthy glare that makes her fall silent, albeit with a roll of her eyes.
When Zackley praises the ingenuity of the signal flare system and the number of lives it’s saved, Levi’s heart clenches savagely, an affectionate feeling welling in his chest, pushing against his throat, his lips –
As Zackley bestows upon Erwin the medal, polite applause breaks out through the auditorium.
“I offer up my heart!” comes Erwin’s voice, clear and ardent.
Under the cravat, the skin of Levi’s throat tingles as he remembers the feeling of Erwin’s touch.
v.
Pixis and Hanji leave, taking all the perfunctory formality with them. They leave behind not the Commander and Captain of the Survey Corps, but two tired, broken men. Erwin’s mismatched shoulders slump, and a rattling breath escapes him.
“Guess we’ll have to make a sign-up for different duties. Hanji, Mike, and I will rotate. Just don’t take too long on the shitter when I’m on toilet duty for you.”
It’s a weak joke, but Levi can’t muster anything else. Not with the stark redness bleeding through into the newly-changed bandages already.
Erwin smiles wanly, but there’s something terribly wrong with it.
Erwin’s unsure, and that terrifies Levi.
He feels like he’s falling apart, the strands of his control that he’d kept together – just barely – after all these years, unravelling, held together by little more than sheer will, and he’s finally down to the last stitch.
“Levi,” Erwin says firmly. “Stop.”
“Stop what?” he challenges, but it’s half-hearted and Erwin doesn’t deign to respond. He can’t remember the last time Erwin hadn’t been able to see right through him.
He rubs at his eyes despite not having washed his hands properly. “You should sleep, Erwin. I’ll…” He looks around, gaze fixing on a small, folded cot in the corner of the room.
He’s halfway to the cot, muscles aching in protest of the movement, when Erwin calls, “Levi.” He turns, waits for Erwin’s next words: it’s automatic. “You don’t need to stay here with me tonight.”
Levi stares at Erwin, takes in the gray circles under his eyes, the pain-pinched set of his brows.
“Yes,” he says quietly. “Yes, I do.”
He pulls the cot up next to Erwin’s bed, sitting and drawing his knees up. The wall is hard against his back. Like this, he can go into light sleep and wake immediately if needed.
“Sleep,” he says to Erwin, for his Commander is still watching him. He leans across the space between them, snuffs out the candle.
Before he can settle back, Erwin catches his sleeve and he freezes. His arm is half-sprawled across Erwin’s body, and he’s forced to lean in to keep his balance.
“Thank you, Levi,” he says in the dark, but Levi can see the faint light reflected off his irises. Then, quieter, “I’m not sure what I’ve done in this life to deserve you.”
A million words rise to Levi’s lips. Derision, frankness, anger. In the end he lets none of them out, merely leans in and presses a chaste kiss to Erwin’s chapped lips.
He pulls back a tiny distance, eyes closed. Listens to the sound of their breathing, in sync. Hears Erwin swallow before leaning in, touching his nose to Levi’s. He allows himself this luxury for a few moments before Erwin’s hold on his sleeve releases, and he moves away.
vi.
It happens not in slow motion but in the blink of an eye. One moment Levi’s barking at Mikasa with his blades drawn – “Watch the brat; don’t let him out of your sight” – as the boy gasps, attempting to extricate himself from the sizzling mass of Titan flesh, and the next he’s flung through the air, slapped out of his trajectory by the unexpected arrival of a new Titan.
He doesn’t even see its face.
The impact – at first he doesn’t feel anything, Then it goes throughout his entire body, reverberating with incredible numbing pain; feels like every single bone in his body is shattered. He’s falling, tiny new flickers of pain shooting through him each time he collides with a branch on his way down, and he’s delirious with it.
Looks down, and his cravat is soaked with blood.
The corners of his vision are fading. He struggles at first against it, seems to hear something -
But it’s far-off and barely discernable. He’s confused, wants to obey the resounding authority of that call, but it’s difficult to keep his eyes open.
And then he can’t remember at all why he’s fighting the magnetic pull.
--
I’m sorry, I failed you, I –
--
He takes the body from Hanji, and Levi’s even smaller in death, cradled in the curve of his left arm.
He feels the weight of his soldiers’ eyes on him, seeking direction in the face of this devastating loss, but he doesn’t know how to give it. Hanji’s voice filters through his muddled thoughts, strong and commanding, and idly he makes a note to thank her, because he simply can’t be the Commander of the Survey Corps right now.
Not when Levi’s a broken, battered husk in his embrace. Humanity’s Strongest, but he’s only as strong as the fragile flesh and bones of which he’s made.
Erwin’s eyes sting, but no tears fall at all.
--
Levi, wait -