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As Penelope laid awake, softly crying, she was suddenly struck by how ridiculous she was being. Yes, she didn’t feel well, but it wasn’t like she had been feeling well for the past month. Of course, it was being made worse by the fact that she couldn’t sleep without having horribly vivid dreams about Colin realizing that he can’t stand to be around her or their child because of Whistledown. Overall, she was sick, tired, stressed, and now crying in bed doing everything possible to not wake her husband.
‘This would be a lot easier,’ she thought, ‘if he could be convinced to leave my side.’ It was quite annoying how he didn’t trust her enough to leave her alone for even a few minutes. Really, she understood that keeping Whistledown a secret from him was bad, but did that justify not having any privacy? Penelope might have liked it, had he not been so distant. He never wanted to talk or do anything besides watch her. Well, that and yell at her for being on her feet for too long, afraid that she might hurt their child. Wait, what if he resented her but loved their child? What if he’s just waiting for her to have them, but will then banish her to the country where she will never see either of them ever again?
That thought was enough to get her sobbing. But she still didn’t wish to wake Colin, so she left as quietly as she could to the drawing room. It seemed like a safe place to break down.
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Colin woke up feeling like something was terribly wrong, and soon realized that he was right. He had been worrying a lot lately. With the realization that he was in love with his wife, and that he has no idea how to help her through her pregnancy, he feels completely out of his depth. Colin had been having trouble figuring out how to approach her, but he just couldn’t help but be terrified that something would happen. It seemed that he was right this time. Why was his pregnant wife not sleeping soundly in their bed? God knows she needs the rest, especially considering that she had recently become well acquainted with the chamber pot. Motivated by this knowledge, he was up and searching for his Pen before he could even register the soft whimpers coming from the drawing room.
Colin hadn’t had the presence of mind to expect anything, but the sight that greeted him still shocked him. His dear wife had her face buried into her knees, which were hugged to her chest. Even without seeing her face, he could tell she was crying by the way her shoulders shook.
“Pen? What’s wrong, love?” Colin asked as he ran towards her. Her looking up with a broken look on her face only served to make him move faster.
“Nothing to worry about. I’m sorry I woke you, you should go back to bed,” Penelope replied between sobs.
“Pen, you should always wake me,” he said as he sat down next to her and lifted her into his lap. Colin was pleasantly surprised when she immediately tucked her face into his shoulder, not even attempting to resist again. “Now, can you please tell me what has gotten you so upset?”
“Colin, really, you know pregnancy makes women more weepy. You shouldn’t worry about this.” She said after she moved back far enough to look Colin in the eyes.
“I don’t care if it is the pregnancy, talking will make you feel better,” he said, but he could tell that she wasn’t convinced. Now, if you had asked him, he wouldn’t have said that he was proud of what he was about to say; however, it proved to be necessary. “Please, think of the baby. Surely, this stress can't be good for them?”
“Oh. No, I suppose not, but please remember that I know that it is insignificant.” Penelope replied, her sobbing getting heavier towards the end. He put her head back on his shoulder and caressed her hair.
“I promise, now please tell me.”
“Very well.” He could feel her sigh and lean on him more heavily. “I just haven’t been feeling well. The morning sickness has gotten worse, and I find myself unable to sleep no matter how exhausted I am. Then, when I do sleep, I have terribly vivid dreams about things that are entirely unpleasant.” Colin frowned at that. How hadn’t he noticed her nightmares?
“I am sorry and I wish I could help more. You know that you can come to me if you ever need or want anything, right?”
“Of course.” She replied, but the grimace he felt told him that she was lying.
“Please, come to me. I…..care about you and I want to make sure that you are as comfortable as possible while you are growing our child.” Colin pleaded as he put a hand on her stomach.
“Okay,” Pen said softly.
“Will you tell me about your nightmares?”
“I don’t know, Colin.” Penelope’s words were rushed and her breathing picked up again. It was obvious that she didn’t want to tell him, but why?
“It will probably make you feel better.” This caused Pen to groan and move off of Colin, much to his displeasure.
“It..uh..it starts out with me having the baby,” this gives Colin a thrill, despite the fact that she refuses to look at him. The reminder that the baby is real never fails to make him feel like he’s floating. “Then, right after they are born, you’re allowed to hold them. Once everything is done, I ask if I can hold them, but you just look at me as though I am stupid. I have to repeat my question a few times before you answer me with a loud, sharp ‘No’. You go on to explain that I’ll be moved to the country immediately and that you already had my bags packed.” She pauses, seemingly unable to continue for a few moments due to her crying picking up again, before she says the most heartbreaking sentence Colin has ever heard. “And you leave before I even get to hold them.” Oh, Colin has never felt this devastated, especially because Penelope still refuses to look at him. She sees this as something that might actually happen, Colin realized. He has to fix that immediately. Without hesitating, he scooped her back up into his lap and clung to her.
“That would never happen. You’re my dearest friend and I care about you more than I ever thought possible. I forbid you from ever going to the country without me and I promise I will let you hold our baby first. I won’t even ask to hold them, I will wait until you offer them to me. Is there anything else I can do to help?” Maybe telling her of his love would settle her fears? He knew that right now, he would do anything to make her feel better; however, he wants his first time saying ‘I love you’ to be a little more romantic.
“Can you speak to me at night? I think that it could help me fall asleep, but I know that you are still upset about Whistledown, so I understand if you don’t want to.”
“Why would I still be upset about Whistledown?” They had talked it out weeks ago, and he understood. Mind you, he still doesn’t like it, but he gets why Pen felt the need to do everything she did.
“Well, you’ve just been so distant, I thought that you changed your mind.”
“No, just the opposite actually. I realized that I was in love with you.” Colin decided that he would have a long time to do romantic things for Pen. And why wait when this could help her sleep better for herself and the baby? He regretted his decision when Penelope’s expression changed from confusion to hurt.
“Don’t be mean, Colin,” she sniffled out.
“How am I being mean? Because I love you? What, I am being cruel because I am forcing you to reject me?” Colin defensively bit out.
“No, you are being mean because you’re saying things that are not true just to make me feel better. I would rather be told harsh truths than comforting lies.”
“I’m not lying.”
“You must be. I saw your face when we were caught in the drawing room, you were beyond horrified.” She fought.
“Yes, well, I wasn’t in love with you then. I cared about you a lot, but I had never considered you as a marriage prospect.” Seeing the hurt in her eyes, he remembered how stupid he truly was. “I did not intend it that way. I always knew that you were beautiful. The way your hair contrasted your silky skin, your vibrant blue eyes that are the color of the ocean, and,” he grinned, “I would have had to be blind not to notice your breasts while talking to you. I was also aware that you were brilliant. Your sharp remarks and the intelligent way you spoke of your dreams ensured that. That, along with your kindness and love for reading should have shown me what a perfect match we were. I suppose I just thought of you as someone who was always there. When we met, I surely wasn’t thinking of future brides, so I never thought of you as one.” He stopped and looked at Penelope, who was looking at him as if he just told her the secrets of the universe.
“So…..you truly love me?” She asked cautiously, as if he hadn’t told her multiple times that he does.
“Yes,” he laughed. With that, Penelope grabbed his face and pulled him into a passionate kiss. It wasn’t as if they hadn’t kissed before, but this felt…..different. A good difference, to be sure, but still something new that he couldn’t wait to explore.
“God, I love you,” Colin said breathlessly.
“I love you, too,” Penelope said with teary eyes. “I have for a while.” Colin wasn’t particularly surprised by this, but he was still elated to hear it. Just then, the clock chimed, alerting them that it was 2 in the morning. Concern suddenly took over Colin’s mind.
“How long did you sleep?”
“About an hour,” Penelope replied calmly, as if she wasn’t putting her health at risk. Colin felt himself getting angry, but took some deep breaths to calm himself. Snapping at her isn’t going to make it easier for her sleep.
“Would you like for me to talk about my travels to Greece? You’ve already heard all of them many times, so it could help you sleep.”
“Yes, please,” she replied bashfully. Colin only caught a quick look at her adorably flushed face before she ducked her head into his chest.
With that, Colin grinned and started softly rocking his wife while telling her about a man he met in Greece. As soon as he heard her soft snores, he returned them to their bedchamber. As he laid there, beside the woman he was in love with, he thought of romantic things to do with Pen to make up for his completely unromantic declaration of love. He fell asleep, smiling and thinking about which flowers he would need to buy for her tomorrow.
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After that night, Penelope always woke Colin up when she had a nightmare, and she heard all the stories from Greece many more times.