Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Leo was floating, debris all around as his breath wheezed out from him. He could feel the softened material of the folded picture in his hand as he held it to his chest. In the chilled, dead air, he could barely feel his tears as they streamed down his face. Even his injuries seemed to fade to a numbness as he shut his eyes and curled into himself.

He’d saved them. They were safe now. He knew Raph would care for his family. He knew Donnie would help the city with rebuilding in the darkness of night. He knew Mikey would make some kind of mural of the four of them together, and that he’d lend his cooking skills to his family to keep them going. April would inform their other friends and acquaintances of what he’d done and how he’d died. Then, she would spend more time in the Lair with his dad and brothers. She was smart and she was strong; a true Hamato. She would be okay… she would help Splinter. His dad…

He felt a sob shake him, fingers curling even tighter around the photograph. His dad would have the hardest time recovering, in the long run. He hoped his family would knit tighter together to protect one another, to care for one another. He knew they’d have a hard time but they would be okay. They would continue to grow and be strong and protect the earth.

All while he faded to nothingness in this void.

He’d most likely be killed by that Kraang in its near-blind rage, or he’d die of starvation and dehydration. The darkness in his heart hoped for the former, if only so he wouldn’t have to be alone for so long.

He slowly opened his eyes, tucking the picture into his belt with shaking fingers. He couldn’t see the Kraang anywhere, but he could still feel its weight on his chest, its armored fists as they struck him over and over, and its furious voice as it told him to wipe the grin off his face.

Over, and over, and over, and over.

His breathing began to speed up. He was scared. Any sane person would be, he told himself. But it was still a shock how deep the fear cut into him. Even against the Shredder he hadn’t felt like this. Then again, he had believed he’d make it out alive that time. He knew they could do it and they did. This… this was totally different.

His body hurt. He was tired. The air rattled in his chest, pushing against every aching place, and he wanted to sleep. He wanted it to be over, so his broken body could rest.

If this was how he won, and if this was how he could protect what he loved, so be it. He’d gladly accept it. He just wished he could’ve hugged them all one last time…

A light shone behind him. He squinted, the light above his head growing and bathing him in a vibrant yellow and orange. It felt warm… like home. He reached out for it.

But something was wrong. A chill raced up his spine, and he looked down. Red light and two yellow eyes swarmed his vision. An armored, clawed hand grabbed his ankle, cutting into his skin and chilling his blood as it seeped from the gash. A scream lodged in his throat as a different, warmer hand wrapped around his outstretched arm, trying to bring him to safety.

For a moment, he hung between both, one trying to pull him home, the shouts of his brothers’ voices echoing in the dead space around them. But all he could focus on – all he could see – was the Kraang, his glowing eyes and hateful aura blinding him.

He was going to die. He was scared, scared, scared —

Its other clawed hand seemed to move in slow motion as it reached for his face, ready to drag him down to the darkness below forever. The scream finally tore from his throat.

“Leo, Leo, wake up!”

He woke with a violent start, one hand fisted in the blankets beneath him while the other swung wildly at whoever had their hands on his shoulder and arm. They dodged, their hands warm but firm as they gave him another shake. He kicked his leg, still feeling the cold metal as it cut him open, again and again.

“Leo, it’s okay, you’re home! You’re okay, breathe!”

That sounded like Raph.

Another voice joined. “Deep breaths, Nardo. Your heart rate is skyrocketing and your oxygen levels are too low.”

He tried to shake the shadows of the nightmare from his eyes and heart as his vision focused. His older brother stood over him, hands holding him in place and eyes wide with worry. Standing at the foot of the bed was Donnie, eyes flicking between his wrist’s touchpad and his brother’s face, his expression trying to remain neutral but edged with concern as well.

Leo’s breathing was ragged, his body and blankets soaked in sweat. He couldn’t tell if it was him or Raph shaking right now, but he felt the tremble working through his entire body. Donnie prompted him to take deep breaths again, and this time, Raph started to do it too so Leo could follow along. He listened and his heart began to slow as he focused on Raph’s breathing, mirroring the pace. A sound of relief left his brothers.

But when he finally looked back at Raph, to tell him he was okay, his eyes fell instinctively to the still partially bandaged cracks in his brother’s shell and plastron. He stared, silent, and Raph must have noticed because he casually took one of Leo’s nearby gym towels and tossed it over his shoulder to cover it.

“It was just a nightmare.” Raph said softly.

Leo gave him a small smile and sat up. He could tell now; it was definitely him shaking, not Raph… damn. “Sorry.” Leo mumbled, stretching out his fingers in his lap. They ached from how tight he’d clenched them and he did his best not to wince as he unfurled them. “Did I wake you guys?”

Raph hesitated, and that’s when Leo looked over and saw his youngest brother standing at the opening of his bedroom, eyes filled with worry. “Oh,” he forced out a chuckle. “My bad you guys. It’s nothing.”

Mikey took a step inside, looking a bit unsure. “It’s not nothing, or this wouldn’t keep happening. You… you still haven’t told us what happened to you up there.”

He felt a shell go up around his heart. He took all his memories and feelings of that day and shoved them deep down inside. Outwardly, he forced himself to brighten, putting on his best smug face. “Oh come on guys, I told you, nothing happened! Well, nothing other than what happened to you all. We defeated the Kraang with style. Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one who got banged up. I’m more worried about you three hovering over me like a bunch of mother hens instead of getting some rest.”

Raph sighed and Donnie crossed his arms, neither of them convinced. His veritable twin set a hand on Leo’s leg, grabbing his attention. He looked at Leo, then at his older brother, and without saying another word, he reached out and took the towel off Raph’s shoulder, exposing the still healing injury.

A sharp pang of guilt stabbed Leo’s heart. He knew Donnie saw it in his eyes because he frowned. Then he said, “I know you don’t want to talk about it. You were in really bad shape when we pulled you out of that portal Mikey opened. But we’re your brothers. If anyone would understand —”

“I said I’m fine.” Leo snapped, jaw clenching and fists tightening. He regretted it instantly as he watched Donnie’s expression harden. With a disappointed scoff, he tossed the towel onto Leo’s lap before walking back out of the room. Mikey looked between them before deciding to follow Donnie, leaving Raph and Leo alone.

“They’re just worried about you.” Raph said quietly, eyes never leaving his younger brother, no longer bothering to hide the hole in his shell.

Leo tried to pull up his usual confidence, tried to hide behind it. This wasn’t about him. “There’s nothing to worry about big bro. What matters is that we won, right?”

He crossed his arms, a movement that said Raph was getting serious. “I think we all know that’s a lie.”

“Raph, I said I’m fine! C’mon, you know I can handle anything.” He smiled, wiping the sweat from his head and face with the towel and grimacing. He tossed it to the side in a casual, aloof way. “It was just a bad dream! No biggie! You guys are overreacting.”

Raph sighed heavily. “I know you’re deflecting right now. Bad dreams are one thing… but recurring nightmares are another.”

“They aren’t reoccurring —”

“Leo, we aren’t stupid!” Raph shook his head, shifting his weight and taking a deep breath. “You’ve been having them from the moment we managed to rescue you and bring you home. You passed out on the way home! You had broken ribs and a cracked shell and your leg was all cut up. You were covered in bruises!” His voice cracked, and Leo wanted to tell him to stop, but he couldn’t get the words out. Raph continued. “I’ve heard you almost every night for the last month and a half. Usually, you manage to wake up before it gets this bad but… you’re getting worse. You need to tell us about what really happened. Maybe it’ll help —”

“Stop!” Leo launched to his feet. He was overwhelmed with the urge to run. But his knees nearly buckled beneath him, his body still shaking too badly. He had to grip the edge of the bed to keep fully upright. Raph lurched forward as if to help him, but Leo swatted his hand away. “Just… let it go.”

His brother's face softened. “I can’t do that. And you know our brothers won’t either. Especially Mikey.”

“Raph —”

“I’m serious. Donnie is right, for once; we’re your brothers. If anyone would get how you’re feeling, it would be us.” He put a hand over his heart, his way of showing heartfelt emotion. But all it did was bring Leo’s attention back to the broken shell and plastron. All it did was take Leo’s mind back to that day he messed up everything... and it had nearly cost him everything.

Leo felt his armor breaking. If his brother didn’t leave soon, Leo would have a meltdown, and this time it would be with an audience. He couldn’t let them see him that way. So he grit his teeth and practically snarled, “Go away, Raph.”

His brother fell silent, eyes filling with a pain he understood all too well. Leo almost never spoke to any of them that way, and it shocked him how sharp the words sounded. But, Raph just straightened his back and walked out of the room, hand reaching out to pat Leo’s shoulder as he passed. Raph’s steps slowed at the door of the subway car that was Leo’s room. “I know you’re strong and don’t like having to rely on others… but don’t confuse strength with stubbornness. That’s all.”

With that, Raph was gone, sliding the subway door behind him. Leo sank slowly to the floor, trying to choke back his tears as he buried his face in his hands.

Why does Raph have to sound so… mature? It isn’t fair… I’m supposed to have grown up by now. He shouldn’t have to take care of me so much anymore.

He didn’t know how much time passed. All Leo knew was that one moment it was dark and the next, a soft light filled his room as the train car’s door creaked open a few inches.

Leo sighed and uncovered his face. His body felt sore, and as he stood up, he felt several joints pop. The binding around the back of his shell pulled with the motion, making the small crack there ache. With a barely suppressed groan, he turned to see who had come to bother him but found only a tray sitting outside. Slowly, he bent down to pick it up, eyes scanning the platform outside to see if anyone would spring out at him. But, seeing no one, he lifted the tray, upon which was a teapot with steam coming from the spout, his favorite tea cup — ceramic white with blue seigaiha waves — and a plate of tea cakes with a fork tucked beside them.

He shut the door behind him with his foot and carried the tray to his bedside table. It was his dumping ground for random items like his phone, his Jupiter Jim comics, his belt, and so on. He nudged his phone onto his bed with one elbow and pushed everything else to the floor with his other. He set down the tray and sat on the edge of his bed.

It had to be his father that left it. Only he could make his favorite jasmine tea smell this good. The tea cakes had to be Mikey though. They were fluffy and spongy with a sprinkling of matcha powder across the top. Leo lifted the tea pot and poured some tea into the cup, which already smelled like it had been sweetened the way he preferred. Suddenly it all felt overwhelming; his dad must be worried about him, too.

“This isn’t very leaderly of me, huh?” He chuckled to himself, holding the warm mug closer to his chest and holding back tears. “Making everyone feel like this… not cool at all.”

He quietly drank his tea and picked at the cakes. It wasn’t until later, when the teapot was almost empty and his stomach almost full, that he started to feel calm; like his old self again.

I’ll have to talk about it eventually… I just… can’t right now.

“Thanks Dad… thanks Mikey.” He whispered, seeing the tray back in the hall. He’d come out of his room for dinner. For now, all he wanted was some space to himself.

Getting back to the Lair had been difficult.

Leo remembered lying on the ground, seeing his brother’s and their teary eyed faces as they leaned over him. He remembered them pulling him into a group hug, and he remembered smiling at the warmth of it. “It’s good to see you guys.” He mumbled around their tangled arms.

Then, after the relief of being back with his family had begun to wear off, Donnie had demanded everyone get off of Leo so they could scan his injuries. Mikey had quickly contacted April and their dad with his wrist com, and it had broken every single one of their hearts to hear the sound that left their father. It was pure, heartbroken and hopeful relief, the kind of crying and shouting that pierced through what little defenses Leo had left.

It was the kind of sound only a parent could make. Leo kinda wished he hadn’t heard it.

He remembered his hearing going static, a high-pitched ring filling his head. He remembered feeling his consciousness slipping away from him as Donnie’s tone turned serious and worried, his hands pressing over his arms, legs, and chest. Leo winced, and he could taste fresh blood in his mouth when he tried to move away from his brother’s prying hands, groaning and coughing. Donnie began speaking even faster, but Leo couldn’t understand what he was saying… all he could hear was his heartbeat and his breath as it rattled out of him. His vision was too blurry to see anything beyond colors and fuzzy shapes.

Why did they suddenly sound so far away? Was that Raph picking him up? Oh… no it had to be Raph and Donnie, by the feel of it. That definitely had to be Mikey holding his hand. His eyes were closed; when had that happened? He was so tired. He wanted to sleep…

He woke again to the feel of his father’s gentle hand brushing across his brow. It had been so long since he felt such a reassuring touch from his dad, but he’d know it anywhere.

He couldn’t feel his mask; they must’ve taken it off to check his face injuries. His chest hurt, and so did his back. And his legs. Actually, all of him hurt, if he was being honest. Another groan left him as the pain increased. He focused on trying not to panic; the pressure on his chest felt too familiar, too cold, too much like the Kraang. The hand along his brow stopped and he heard his dad as he alerted Donnie, April, and Casey. There was the steady rush of noise for a while, as well as a couple needle pokes and steady hands checking his vitals. Leo didn’t have it in him to open his eyes.

The next thing he heard was Donnie, heaving a sigh as he plopped into a seat near Leo’s head. Donnie was quiet for a long time, and Leo wanted to open his eyes. He just… couldn’t.

After a while, he felt his brother lean forward. Then, his hand rested against Leo’s shoulder, palm cool to the touch. He let his hand just rest there a while, until his fingers began to tremble. He could hear his twin’s voice as if it were coming through a long tunnel. “You big dumb idiot. What happened to you up there?”

When Leo next gained some consciousness, he managed to find the strength to open one eye just a little bit. He was in the med-bay, which was obvious from the sterile smell and soft beeps of the monitors off to his right. His eye slowly scanned the space and he saw Raph, curled into one of their giant bean bags that he’d squished into a corner by the door, asleep. Mikey was tucked into Raph’s side, but he wasn’t sleeping. He seemed to be drawing. His eyes were ringed with shadows and he looked sad and tired. Leo wanted to call out to them but he couldn’t get his mouth or his voice to work. Sleep took him back under again quickly.

Finally, he felt like he was able to surface again. He could smell his favorite soup and he slowly pried open his eyes. Even with the lights dimmed down, they almost felt too bright. Leo tried to lift his hand to block it and immediately felt sore. A hiss escaped him. “Oww.”

At the sound of his voice, a flurry of activity sprang up around him. Someone – it looked like Mikey – dropped the soup bowl. The monitors began to beep faster and suddenly Donnie was there beside him, leaning over him. His head blocked out the lights, thank heavens, but his mouth started going a mile a minute. Leo couldn’t keep up with any of it, and he could feel a slow sting beginning to work its way through his body.

Raph practically flew into the room next, their dad right behind him. Their oldest brother gripped the bars at the foot of the bed, and Leo noticed half his face was bandaged as well as his forearms, plastron, and shell. His one visible eye was wide and full of tears. “You’re awake! You’re finally awake!”

“Finally?” Leo rasped, throat dry and irritated. Mikey’s bandaged hand popped into view as he held out a glass of water, which Leo gratefully took.

“Yeah, finally!” His youngest brother was practically shouting. “You’ve been asleep for ages!”

“Not ages, Michael.” Donnie chided, his goggles already over his eyes as he did scans along Leo’s body. He added, in what almost seemed like an afterthought, “Though, it did feel like forever.”

Leo drank the water, instantly relieving his throat. Everyone’s eyes were on him as he drank, a wave of self-consciousness rising in him. He cleared his throat, and it was like everyone leaned in to hear what he had to say. Strange. Usually, if the attention was on him, it was for reprimand or laughs or fun. “Uhh, I’m fine. Or, at least, I think? How long… how long was I out?”

Another voice answered. “A week.”

All eyes now turned to Splinter, where he still stood by the med-bay door, feet seemingly frozen in place. His voice shook, his eyes swimming with tears as he looked at Leo. A somber air fell over the room, and Leo felt a sharp pang in his heart. “Dad…”

Splinter shook his head as the tears began to fall from his eyes and into his fur. No matter how much he wiped at them, it looked like they wouldn’t stop. Raph went to him first, kneeling down and setting a large hand on his back. Their dad’s shoulders shook as he looked back up at his second eldest, voice quivering. “You scared me, Leonardo. You scared all of us.”

Leo felt tears well in his own eyes, and he noticed that everyone else’s were too. “I’m sorry, dad.”

“Don’t you ever do that to me – to us – again.”

“I’m sorry.” Leo started to lean forward. “Dad I –”

A wave of pain crashed into him. He slumped back into the bed with a gasp, and everyone rushed closer to his side. The pain wouldn’t stop, and he felt his hands curling into fists in the blankets, his body trying to also curl into himself. His eyes squeezed shut as he tried to breathe through it. “It… hurts.”

“Where, Leo?” Donnie asked, hands now floating above Leo’s plastron.

“Everywhere.” He grit out.

“It feels like everywhere, but it isn’t. I need you to be specific.”

Raph cut in. “He just woke up Don, just give him some pain meds.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to give him meds, Raph. I have to know where it hurts to make sure everything is set and healing properly.” Donnie sounded exasperated and tired. Leo could now see that Donnie’s under eye circles were the darkest out of all his brothers. He knew Donnie well enough to know he hardly slept when he worked on something he loved; for him to now be taking care of Leo must’ve made the “sleeping” aspect even harder. Especially since he wasn’t as well-versed in medical care as Leo and Splinter; he’d probably had to learn a lot of things on the fly.

Leo tried to steady himself. He knew what Donnie was asking of him; he just had to concentrate. He sucked air between his teeth and held it, doing a mental check on every part of his body. Where did it hurt the most? No… no, not his legs… not his arms… there, and there. “Chest. Lower back.”

“Okay, just hang in there for a moment.” Donnie’s shell activated, the metal arms reaching into cabinets and drawers for items. One of the battle shell’s metal arms began to arch over Leo with a roll of bandages, ready to drop into Donnie’s hands when needed. Suddenly, Leo wasn’t in his home; he was back on the Technodrome, the Kraang’s face leering down at him as he lifted his foot and brought it racing down into his chest. They wanted to kill him. He was going to die.

Leo flinched back hard, slamming his head into the bed as he tried to scramble away. A cry escaped him, and his heart kicked into overdrive. The sudden motion caused more pain, and he was now gasping around it, stuck somewhere in the past and the present.

(Full Comic Here)

Donnie stopped moving, looking from his brother to the metal arm. Slowly, he dropped the roll of bandages into his hand and put the arms away, keeping his hands visible the entire time. Donnie’s goggle-covered eyes never left Leo’s as he motioned for Raph to come by him, and he wordlessly tapped the latch of his shell. Raph unclasped it, setting the black and purple invention on the counter. Donnie kept his voice even and calm. “Nardo, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Raph and Mikey kept their hands in visible spots too, both looking like they wanted to reach out to him but unsure if he was okay with it. But it was Splinter jumping onto the foot of the bed that finally got Leo’s attention as he tried to steady himself.

“My son, we are here. You are not alone.”

Fresh tears welled in Leo’s eyes as his breathing slowed. God, his body freakin’ hurt. He looked over to his genius brother, who was now slowly trying to move his goggles off his face. “I-I’m sorry Don. I don’t… I thought I was…”

“I know.” His brother looked so defeated in that moment, goggles now snugly back on top of his head. A different kind of pang went through Leo at the sight of such an expression on Donnie’s face. “It’s alright. I’m going to check your injuries. Is that okay?”

Leo found his gaze going to their father. Splinter was looking at him with sadness, pain, and hope. His golden eyes were shining as he gave the blue turtle a nod. So, Leo looked back to his brothers and nodded, too.

Donnie got to work, making sure his movements were slow, gentle, and within view. Leo did his best not to wince, but he couldn’t help it. He was going to need to lie still for them, he knew that. Soon, fresh bandages were placed along his chest, and Donnie gently nudged Leo’s side. “I need you to turn over so I can check your back and shell.”

“My shell?” Leo rasped, gripping Raph’s hand as he turned slowly onto his side. He could feel Mikey set his hand on his leg, too, for moral support. It felt like it took forever just to do that small task. Sweat was starting to bead along his forehead and neck.

“Yeah… it’s a little cracked. But fear not dear brother, the damage is minimal. It’s mostly the bruising underneath you’re feeling right now. I’ll have to make you a couple patches to reinforce the crack, as well as two for Raph.” He paused before adding. “You guys are going to need quite a bit of time to heal up.”

He couldn’t even act surprised after all the hits he’d taken. And as much as a part of him wanted to say something about “cracking a joke at the wrong time”, he couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He wasn’t sure if they’d laugh; it wasn't the right timing. Besides, the mention of Raph’s broken shell made his heart and stomach twist, so he opted to say nothing.

Working on the crack wasn’t as bad as he’d feared it would be, but he’d be lying if he said it didn't hurt. Once Donnie deemed himself done, he gave Leo the option for pain meds. Leo took the offer up, the sore spots along his chest, back, legs, and head all becoming a steady pounding now.

Donnie told him he’d need another few days of bed rest before trying to move around, and even then it should be limited. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but seemed to think better of it and gave his brother’s arm a pat. “Push that green button if you need anything.”

“Whatever you say, Doctor DonTron.” Leo grinned, feeling more connected with himself now. More in the present, and no longer wondering if he was dreaming about being home. His injuries had, funnily enough, helped ground him to this moment.

Raph and Mikey had mopped up the spilled soup and, as Donnie was finishing up, Mikey had come back with a fresh bowl. “Dad said you need to eat. Sorry I dropped the other bowl.”

“That’s alright little brother.” Leo smiled. “I’m starving, so thank you.”

He had eaten soup, sipped on water, and fallen right back asleep. He had no idea then how hard true recovery was going to be. All he knew at that time was that he was home… he was home.

Sometime in the late afternoon, Leo finally felt like leaving his room. The Lair had been relatively quiet all day, so he wanted to see what everyone was up to.

When he opened his bedroom door, the tray was gone. He smiled and continued into the hall and up the stairs to the main living room and recreational area. Only his and Raph’s rooms were on the lower level, while Splinter’s and Mikey’s were branched off from the main room on the upper platform. Donnie got the entire basement area for his lab, the garage, and his room, which he loved because he had a ton of space for his experiments and to work on the Turtle Tank.

Leo peeked above the top stairs to see if anyone was in the living room, and he could see Splinter in his usual spot behind the projector, watching one of his Japanese game shows. Mikey was cooking something near the entrance just a few small steps up from the living room space. Smelled like… homemade pizza.

He fully entered the living room, his confidence beginning to waver in the quiet. But his father heard his steps and turned in his chair. “Blue! You’re just in time to eat dinner. Go see if Orange needs help.”

“Uhhh yeah, okay.” Leo laughed, swinging his steps toward the other small set of stairs. He couldn’t help but feel a bit awkward as he entered the space and all eyes turned to him. Raph and Donnie were skateboarding while Mikey cooked up a storm.

Just pour on your charm, big guy.

“What’s up my brothers, the favorite of the family is hungry!” He flashed his best suave smile, striding into the room. “When are we getting our grub, little bro?”

Mikey only hesitated for a second before his usual bright smile lit his face. “In just a minute Leon! Perfect timing.”

“Yeah, no kidding!” Raph piped up, popping his board up into his waiting hand. He was smiling, too. “Let’s grab plates, Donnie. Leo, you get the drinks.”

Donnie obeyed, setting his board in his usual spot on the rack. He didn’t smile, but he did groan about having to help get plates for everyone. It felt normal enough, but Leo knew better; his feelings were still hurt from Leo’s attitude this morning, even if he’d never admit it. Leo would make it up to him after dinner.

They called for Splinter, who came in to grab his plate and head back to his chair to watch one of his shows. Mikey had made some garlic bread rolls covered in butter to dip into some homemade marinara sauce too. It smelled fantastic, and Leo took a seat and began to eat with fervor. He didn’t realize how hungry he actually was until now. The others dug into their food too, Donnie’s tech putting on Raph’s wrestling show. They were reruns at the moment, but the boys didn’t care. Mikey and Raph excitedly talked about their favorite moments, and Leo cracked a few distinguished jokes, if he did say so himself.

Only Donnie seemed a bit removed. He was typing away at something on his armband, eyes slightly glazed over as he read… well, whatever it was he was looking at. Right when Leo was going to try and drag him into the conversation, he stood up and put his empty plate into the sink. “You guys enjoy the rest of the episode, I have something I gotta go work on real quick.”

Mikey nodded, eyes on the screen. “Okay, let us know if you need anything.”

Raph, however, turned to watch Donnie walk away, his eyes never leaving his wrist. He then looked at Leo, who was already standing up. “I know,” He said, also putting his empty bowl and plate in the sink. “I got it.”

Leo halted outside of Donnie’s lab, his feet coming to a stop on the bottom step. What could he say? What should he say? He knew if he came into this, puns-a-blazin’, it was highly possible Donnie wouldn’t be receptive to his apology. But, what if he didn’t want to see him at all?

He closed his eyes, trying to keep his sigh internal only. He could do this. He had to do this. He straightened his shoulders and walked in. Donnie was at one of his large screens, typing at this and that before watching some numbers run and some website pages pop up and down. Leo caught bits and pieces of the webpages and what he saw made him want to turn back around.

Leo cleared his throat and Donnie jumped a bit. Instantly, all the stuff on his screen disappeared and was replaced with a game that must’ve been idling on another tab. He spun around in his chair, eyes wide as Leo lifted a hand and smiled. “Hey Don, what’re you doing?”

“O-ooh, Nardo, it’s you.” He laughed, unconvincingly. “Just… playing a game, ya know? Enjoying some good ol’ brainless teenager activity.”

“Brainless teenager activity?” Leo grinned, crossing his arms and shifting his weight to his uninjured leg. “You’re a terrible liar Donnie. Brainless is not something you’re capable of doing.”

Don’s fake smile fell into something much more tired. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Silence fell between them for a moment before Leo cleared his throat again. “Listen… about this morning –”

“Naaaaah, uh, no, don’t worry about it.” His brother cut him off, waving a hand in the air between them. “You’re usually terrible at apologies. At least to us.”

Hearing those words, all Leo could see was Raph, controlled by the parasitic Kraang, one tentacle wrapped tightly around his throat. Leo was desperately trying to get through to him, and he’d ended up surrendering to the possibility that Raph could kill him. He’d apologized then, and it was probably one of the most sincere moments of his life.

He tried to shake the memory. This wasn’t about him, it was about his brother. “Well, I’m doing it anyway.”

“Noooo, no, you don’t have to –”

“Donald, let me be the first to formally apologize for being a jerk this morning.” Leo continued, ignoring his protests. He put on a smile that was only half-fake. “For I was not in my right headspace, therefore, I wasn’t being my perfect, handsome self. I was the jerkiest jerk, and I am sorry.”

Donnie merely frowned, but not unkindly. “See? Terrible at them.”

Leo grinned before letting his face fall to something more serious. “I saw what you were looking at.”

“Oh… oh that… don’t mind it.”

“No, I think…” Leo hesitated. He didn’t know why this was so hard. It wasn’t hard to tell his brothers anything. It had always been so easy to share when they were sad or angry or happy. But something about this last battle… it had done something to him inside. He hated it. But if he was going to be of any help, he’d have to at least try.

And who better to try with than his twin? Even when they weren’t getting along, Donnie always understood things about Leo that the others didn’t. He could do this.

“Donnie… this isn’t easy for me, but I also know it hasn’t been easy for you guys.” Leo rubbed a hand along one of his arms. His eyes drifted down to his feet, and his eyes caught on the brace and bandages he still had to wear around one of his knees. It was almost back to its full capability, but Splinter had insisted he wear it a bit longer to be safe. Leo steeled himself, and looked back up at his brother, who was surprisingly looking at him expectantly. “I keep dreaming about what happened… about what could’ve happened. In all forms, really.”

His brother turned thoughtful; curious. “What did happen? I mean… if you’re still not ready to talk… I mean, I saw your injuries. We all did. We can guess but… I think it’s deeper than you’re… look I –”

“It’s okay, bro.” Leo chuckled lightly, crossing the room and taking up a seat in one of the other rolling chairs by the monitor. “I don’t know… it felt like it lasted forever, even though it was only a few minutes. But… well, you saw how I came out of that portal. I’m sure your imaginations filled in the blanks pretty accurately. He was pissed and I was there, without weapons.” Leo’s stomach started to turn. He had to push through. “Again, not too hard to imagine.”

“But you… can’t you summon your katanas at any time? Or… you know, teleport to them?” Donnie asked, perplexed.

This is where things get hard. Leo swallowed. “Technically, yes.”

“So… why didn’t you?” His brother leaned forward, resting his arms along his legs. He wasn’t able to look at Leo anymore, eyes downcast to his hands. Leo could guess why; Don had probably already guessed the truth.

“I have to be in peak condition. I was already pretty drained by the time I lost my swords.” He dropped his head. “And… I… I didn’t…”

Donnie dropped his head into his hands, sucked in one deep breath, and then let it out slowly. “Leo… did you just… did you give up?”

Don’t answer. Leo’s mind was practically screaming at him to stop this conversation. He was trying to fight off the shaking in his chest before it worked its way through his entire body. His legs began to bounce. He wanted to run. They can’t know.

But his silence must’ve been answer enough because Donnie – Donnie of all turtles – stood up and crossed over to Leo before giving him a hard shove, the chair careening back and into a counter. Leo’s arms wheeled to keep from falling over or out of the chair, and he looked up in shock, a protest already leaving his mouth, when he saw his brother’s face. Those were tears in Donnie’s eyes, waiting to fall as he angrily frowned down at Leo.

“You gave up?!” He shouted.

“Don —”

“No, don’t try to get out of this, Leo! Did you give up and just… let them beat you?” His brother was shaking now, fists clenched at his sides. He looked like he wanted to pummel Leo, and Leo couldn’t blame him for it.

“It isn’t… that simple.” Leo’s voice cracked as he felt himself beginning to shrink inward. “It isn’t that simple to explain Donnie.”

Then, just as fast as it had appeared, all the anger flew out of his brother. He reached out, wrapped a hand around Leo’s wrist, and pulled him up to his feet. Then, in very un-Donnie-like behavior, he pulled Leo into a hug.

“You idiot.” Donnie grumbled, holding tight while still avoiding the healing cracks on his shell. “You big, dumb, blue, idiot.”

“Uhhh-huh… umm, okay?” Leo hesitantly wrapped his arms around his brother.

“We were going to get you back.” Don’s voice was quiet. “No matter what we were going to get you back. Mikey wouldn’t give up. I wouldn’t give up. Raph was trying to be strong for us, but I know he would be looking for ways too. Why would you do that?”

“I… there’s no easy answer to that.” Leo said, resting his chin on Donnie’s shoulder. “Nothing about that situation was easy.”

“Never again.” Donnie grumbled, lifting a hand to gently slap the back of his brother’s head. “Never ever again.”

Leo found himself smiling and leaning more of his weight into his brother. He felt just a little lighter. “Okay, Dee. Okay.”

Chapter Text

Donnie didn’t feel like himself. He hadn’t since the day he’d felt his soul rip in two.

He’d never admit it out loud to his brothers, but even though it was biologically impossible, he felt like an actual twin to Leo. He could always sense when something was off with his blue counterpart, and that hadn’t changed over the years. But that day… the moment that portal had closed…

Donnie still had nightmares about it. Hearing his brother’s voice over their wrist coms, laughing in such a hollow, tired way that he felt like his own chest was being dug out. He could still hear Leo’s bones breaking, hear Leo’s grunts and cries of pain. The strained, desperate plea for Casey Jr. to close the portal. And then… the explosion. The flash of light was blinding, and the air pressure that haloed from it felt like a punch to the chest. In his dreams, he stood up, turned away, and tried to handle the piercing hurt that was cutting through him. He felt like his heart was tearing, and even deeper, he felt something else breaking apart. Like someone had gripped the very essence of his being and was determined to destroy it. He’d felt his brother - his twin - leave the earth, and knew without a doubt that when and if he died, he’d feel that too.

It had changed him. And he didn’t like it.

He had just woken from that same nightmare, his hands shaking and nausea rolling in his gut. He tried to breathe through it, rubbing his hands together and telling himself it was fine. Leo was home. He hadn’t been lost to them… to him.

Donnie rubbed his hands over his face now. “Ugh, this is ridiculous.”

Swinging his legs over the side of his bed, he stretched, forcing down a yawn. If I’m up, I may as well do some work.

The lab was mostly dark aside from a few ambient blue and purple LED strips. He flicked on the main lights, the brightness making him squint. He looked around, trying to decide what to work on. After standing there for over three minutes, staring into his lab, he huffed and shut the lights back off in annoyance. He felt restless and uneasy and irritated. “Stupid. This is stupid. I just… maybe I need some caffeine.”

He was up the stairs and crossing to head for the living room and kitchen area when he heard it; Leo was screaming.

Donnie’s blood turned to ice and he was running for his brother’s room before his mind had even caught up to his body. He jumped all the stairs leading to the platform his two older brothers occupied, and spied Raph going into Leo’s room just as his feet hit the floor. He followed him in, his heart racing as Leo’s screams tore through him.

Raph was at the bedside, his hands already on Leo’s shoulders as he tried to shake him awake. Leo was kicking, thrashing, his screams broken and scared. Donnie did the first thing he could think of and pulled up his purple wrist screen. He tapped on Leo’s icon, which brought up his vitals. Donnie had added this feature to all of his brothers in secret, hiding the tiny chip on the insides of their shells as well as their belts and coms. It was the first thing he’d worked on after their fight with the Kraang.

Leo’s oxygen was low from his rapid breathing, and his heart rate was high. Raph was still shaking their brother, but now he was calling to him. Donnie heard someone else arrive, and he didn’t even have to look to know it was Mikey, his steps skidding to a halt in the doorway.

Raph practically shouted this time. “Leo, Leo wake up!”

Finally, Leo's eyes flew open. He was covered in sweat, and even with his eyes open, he was still kicking one of his feet. Donnie noted it was the one that was still bandaged. He hated it. An angry fire lit in him at the sight of his twin, his eyes filled with such fear and hopelessness. Donnie wanted to kill the Kraang, and that feeling had been surfacing in him over and over lately.

Don’s mouth was moving, saying something about Leo needing to breathe. Raph set a slow and steady pace, which Leo followed, his eyes closed. Donnie noticed the little things; usually that was Leo’s job. But the habit must’ve worn off on him because he saw Leo slowly stretching out his fingers in his lap, the slight wince as he did so. He noticed the way he looked at Raph’s still healing injury and how Raph covered it as nonchalantly as possible. He noticed the guilt and the fear, even as Leo tried to hide it behind the smug-ass attitude he always had.

Donnie knew. He felt more in tune with Leo than he had in ages, and Donnie wanted to shut it off for all the things it was doing to him. Leo was protesting something Mikey said, his snarky grin and slight hand gestures unable to cover the shake Donnie saw all over him. So, without a word, he touched Leo’s leg. He didn’t react, not really, so instead Don reached over and took the towel off of Raph’s shoulder.

There it was. The guilt and hurt and anger, rising into Leo’s eyes even as he did his best to shove it down. Donnie wasn’t stupid and he found himself talking again, trying to get Leo to understand. He wasn’t sure why he was doing it. He loved all his brothers. He told them so. But he had never been good at this. Mikey and Raph were way better at getting through to someone as stubborn as Leo; someone as stubborn as him.

But Leo snapped. His tone made Donnie’s spine stiffen and his mind go into shut down mode. He was used to his brothers yelling at him, that wasn’t new. He was content to yell back, too. This was different. Leo was shutting him out; shutting them all out.

Fine.

Donnie heard himself scoff as he tossed the towel onto Leo’s lap and walked out. He needed out. The last thing he wanted was to snap back; it was also the exact thing he wanted. He wanted to shake his brother and tell him not to carry the weight alone, but he also knew that was hypocritical of him. They were all doing that in their own ways. They were all struggling. But they were trying to work through it while Leo seemed to be falling deeper into himself.

In the back of his mind, he was aware of Mikey following him. What was he saying? He wasn’t sure. He felt like he couldn’t hear anything over the racing thoughts and the roar of his angry blood as it rushed through his veins.

“Donnie!” Mikey grabbed his shoulder, and Don found himself surprised at how strong his little brother’s grip was. “Slow down.”

They were at the stairs leading down to his lab now, Donnie already down a step, which let Mikey be nearly eye level with him. “Sorry Michael, I have stuff I gotta do.”

Mikey didn’t let go, his eyes narrowing. “Don’t try that with me. You’re upset.”

Donnie rolled his eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mikey let his words drip with sarcasm. He let go, crossing his arms as his mouth twisted into a frown. “You even sound alike lately.”

“I do not sound like —”

Mikey pitched his voice down to be intentionally annoying as he put on an exaggerated angry face. “I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

Donnie turned and started back down the stairs. “That is a horrible take on my voice.”

If Mikey was anything, it was persistent. Donnie heard Mikey follow him down into the basement. It was hard to ignore him, especially when he kept talking. Don did his best to tune him out, blindly going back into his lab and turning the lights back on. He could work on something, anything, if it would help settle his mind.

“Dee please, stop ignoring me.” Mikey’s voice had gone soft. It pulled at Donnie’s heart and he slowly turned to face his little bro. His eyes were teary. “Talk to me.”

Don’s hands blindly reached for one of his battle shells, the one with the arms. He held it, turned it over and over as he tried to think of what to say. There were too many thoughts in his head and too many feelings in his chest. The truth wasn’t easy to say, either. Maybe that’s how Leo felt, too.

He must’ve stared at the shell for too long because Mikey was suddenly standing right in front of him, his hands covering Donnie’s to still their fidgeting. “Leo didn’t mean it.” Mikey said gently. “He’s… he’s not himself right now.”

Donnie nodded slowly, still looking down at their hands. Mikey gave them a squeeze and slowly pulled the shell out of his hands, setting it on a table beside them. Then he put their hands together again, holding firm.

“Just give him time. You know Leo. He’s stubborn and he hates talking about his real feelings. Hell, you don’t like to, either.” Mikey laughed a little, and Donnie couldn’t help the smile that started to tug at his mouth.

Finally, Donnie found some words to say. “I’m not myself either.”

Mikey leaned down so that Donnie was forced to look him in the face. “Explain?”

A shuddering sigh left him. “Something… changed in me that day. I can feel it.”

“What changed? What does it feel like?”

He hesitated even though he knew Mikey could handle it. God he hoped he could handle it. He knew Mikey had been taking on a lot of emotional baggage from everyone lately, and he didn’t want to add to it. But, his little brother’s face was open and receptive, so he simply said, “It hurts.”

Shock, sadness, and understanding passed over Mikey’s eyes. Then, he wrapped his arms around Donnie, causing the purple turtle to stiffen before relaxing into the hug and loosely reciprocating it. Mikey hummed softly and said, “We’ll be okay, Don. As long as we’re together, we can get through anything; even this.”

Donnie just closed his eyes, letting the hug happen, and hoped his brother was right.

Leo was finally awake. It was such a massive relief that Donnie had to fight the urge to cry. Again.He wasn’t used to this new feeling that had forced its way through him in the last week.

Today, Leo was playing a card game with Mikey on a tray set over the bed. He was smiling and losing, but he didn’t seem to care. His eyes were soft whenever they landed on their littlest brother, and only the barest hint of sadness crossed his face when he looked at the bandages around Mikey’s forearms. Donnie pretended not to see.

Currently, Raph was with Casey Jr., getting him set up with a spare space to stay whenever he wasn’t with April. Casey had been really quiet and reserved since bringing Leo home, and no one could blame him. He still hadn’t come to see Leo in the med bay since he’d been awake. Donnie understood that too, in a weird way.

April had wanted to come over the night before when Leo had first woken up, but Donnie convinced her to wait until today, since their brother would probably go right back to sleep. It had been a good call because after Mikey brought their brother a fresh bowl of soup and some water, Leo had fallen right back asleep and hadn’t woken up again until a couple hours ago.

Their dad was handling most of the medical care now, insisting that Donnie take care of his own injuries now that Leo was awake. Donnie looked down at his bandaged right arm, burn markings lacing his skin in a fashion similar to Mikey’s. Raph had the same burns but on his left arm, and Donnie found a sense of comfort in it. Somehow, it reminded him of the lengths they would go to for one another. It reminded him that together, they were powerful. It reminded him of what they’d almost lost.

He clenched his bandaged hand until it hurt. That crack inside him was getting bigger. He closed his eyes and pushed the anger and sorrow and… something else he couldn’t name, deep down. He couldn’t let those feelings take over. No, he had to be useful right now.

The first thing he did was repair the general damages around their home. It was nothing substantial, thank goodness, but repairs were needed. Then, he found himself tinkering with new data chips, each color coded for a family member. He worked on them for days, making sure they were perfect and accurate and could be read from great distances. When he wasn’t in the med bay or checking on his family and their security systems, he was working on those chips.

The days seemed to blend together again, like they had while Donnie had been taking care of Leo alongside their dad. He immersed himself in his work on the chips, as well as updating their security systems and sending out drones to do scans of the city for any further danger. He hardly slept, and Raph had to force him to go to bed several times. April, when she was over, would flit from room to room to check on everyone, and if Donnie just so happened to fall asleep at his desk, he would wake up with a blanket around him and a note from April that said to get some rest and to let her know if he needed anything.

Leo seemed more like himself now. He was back to laughing and cracking jokes, and he was desperate to get out of the med bay and walk around. Their dad said he could try it, but he’d have to move slowly and carefully. Donnie was against it, if only because he knew Leo would most likely injure himself by not following directions, but he kept that thought to himself. Leo was also the kind who sucked at standing still, so he knew fighting that battle with him would only be met with pushback and sneaking out of the med bay.

In fact, that’s what he was doing now, almost a full week later. He hadn’t realized it had been that many days, and he briefly wondered when he’d last eaten or gotten a full night's sleep. It didn’t matter right now anyway; he was currently watching Leo limp around the lair, one arm slung around Mikey and the other around Casey. They were chatting away about something Donnie wasn’t hearing. He was too busy watching how Leo was walking, mentally taking notes on things he could do to help with the healing process.

He spoke up as they made their third lap around the living room space. “I’m going to make you a brace for your leg.”

Everyone’s eyes turned to him, Leo’s maskless face looking tired but less pained than before. Leo glanced down at his bandaged leg. “I was actually just thinking about that. The cut will heal okay, but some muscles were damaged as well as my knee and shin. A brace and maybe a splint will help keep everything straight.”

“Good. I’ll go work on that for you.” Donnie started to turn back to his lab.

Leo’s voice stopped him. “Where are you going in such a hurry? Hang out with us!”

“There’s… work that needs to be done.”

“That can wait. I haven’t seen you much in the last few days; you need to get out of that lab and spend some time with your fam!”

He wanted to protest. He really did. That crack inside of him seemed to grow ever larger, but he pushed the pain of it away. Instead, he sighed dramatically and made his way to a beanbag, plopping into it. “If you insist.”

That seemed to please not only Leo, but Mikey as well. Casey, on the other hand, was looking at Donnie in a way he didn’t appreciate. Like he could see right through him. It made him wonder just how well Casey knew Donnie in the future, and if he, like Leo, was able to read Donnie too well.

But Casey said nothing, both he and Mikey helping Leo settle into the couch so they could play some video games. Donnie watched them for a while, and slowly felt himself relaxing into the beanbag. Raph ended up joining them not too soon after, and the boys were laughing and gaming and Donnie was feeling content for the first time in two weeks. He even decided to join in on a couple rounds of the fighting game they were playing, allowing himself to joke and smile, even when he lost.

It wasn’t until he was starting to nod off that he felt Leo’s eyes on him. He slowly dragged his tired gaze to his brother and felt his stomach drop out from under him. Leo… there was something there in his eyes that felt like holding up a mirror to Donnie. A brokenness… a hollow shell of a turtle with tears and cracks in their souls. He felt the bond between them like a wound, and it made Donnie hold his breath as Leo quickly looked away, a smile blooming back on his face again as he responded to something one of their brothers had asked. But Don couldn’t shake the feeling that Leo wasn’t okay… and if he were being honest, neither was he.

That night, he’d snuck into the med bay and gently placed his newly completed vitals chip along the inside of Leo’s shell. He did the same to his other brothers as they were sleeping, making sure the chip was secure. He’d made them waterproof and as electric proof as possible, too. He then went back to his room and ran scans on all of them, making sure everything was working and that everyone was okay.

Donnie was changing. Something inside him felt broken, and he didn’t know how to fix it. But, he’d do his best to figure it out. He’d do it for his brothers, his family, and himself. He didn’t want to feel this way forever. So, he began to do the one thing he was good at.

He began to research.

Donnie knew how bad Leo was at apologies; at least he was most of the time. This was an especially terrible one, full of sparkles and batting eyelashes and sweeping hand gestures. It made him want to laugh, but he tamped that feeling down.

The worst of it wasn’t the apology, however. No, that award went to what came after. The silence to Donnie’s question as he wondered if his brother had just given up that day made his blood boil. Leo wouldn’t say it out loud, but he was saying it with everything else; his eyes, his hands, his bouncing legs. A cold fury overtook him and next thing he knew, he was standing up and shoving Leo as hard as he could. He knew he shouldn’t have done it, especially with Leo’s injuries, but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to punch him, too, but he put his hands at his sides to resist it. Somehow, he knew that would’ve been a bad idea after seeing the bruises and swollen eye he’d come out of the Prison Dimension with.

“You gave up?!” He found himself shouting. Didn’t Leo know how devastated they’d all been over his reckless, last minute decision? Didn’t he realize just what hearing him disappear, hearing him dying, had done to them?!

Leo was trying to explain, but Donnie was shouting at him again. He couldn’t remember what he said. All he knew was that Leo’s expression became pained, and Don felt the fight going out of him. His brother told him it wasn’t that simple… that none of it had been easy or simple. Even if he hadn’t said it though… Donnie had a feeling he would’ve known what he meant. Just like before, he felt the bond between them pull, burning him from the inside out, and he knew Leo was hurting. Possibly… more than Donnie. Something in Leo was broken, too, and he didn’t want him to feel alone.

He found himself pulling Leo to his feet and into a hug. Donnie wasn’t a hugger on most days, even good ones, but right now, he needed this. He needed to know Leo was alive, that he was here, that he was allowed to be broken. He needed him to know that none of them would’ve given up on trying to get him back. So he told Leo that. His brother was hugging him back, slowly melting into the hug and resting his chin on Donnie’s shoulder.

“Never again.” Donnie felt himself trying to hold back tears, his throat tight as he held onto Leo. He couldn’t lose him… not again. He was almost sure it would kill him if that happened. Out of brotherly habit, he gave Leo a light slap upside the back of his head for even thinking that his life hadn’t been worth fighting for. “Never, ever again.”

Leo relaxed fully then, hugging Donnie tightly. “Okay, Dee. Okay.”

Something inside Donnie was changing. It had changed. But he would fight to fix it if it meant he could keep the four of them together. If it meant they were alive and safe, he’d fix whatever was breaking apart inside of him. Maybe… just maybe, it would help fix what was broken in Leo, too.

Raph and Donnie had to go topside for some supplies. They needed more medical equipment and food, but if he were being honest, Donnie needed the fresh air. Raph had come into his lab at the perfect time, too. Don had been ready to start tearing all his battle shells apart in frustration when Raph had knocked in the doorway.

Now, they were going from building to building, making their way to their favorite pizza place to grab food. Donnie had already snagged some medical supplies, which were now stored in a pouch on his current tech shell. Raph was quiet, his eyes roaming over all the damage the city still had to deal with. Donnie didn’t mind the silence between them right now, letting the air slowly clear the clutter in his mind.

As they landed in the alley by Hueso’s place, Raph placed a hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “Are you okay?”

The question caught him off guard. “Where is this coming from?”

Raph shrugged. “You’ve just been really quiet.”

“Scoff! I could say the same for you, big guy.” Donnie tried for a grin, but it fell flat when Raph’s gaze didn’t waver. “Okay fine, I’ve just been frustrated.”

“Because of Leo?”

“Because of everything.” Donnie huffed. He shook his head. “I’m trying to figure out… how I can use some of my tech without freaking him out.”

Raph nodded, his hand now giving Donnie a light pat on the top of his tech shell. “That’s really kind of you, Dee.”

Donnie looked up at his big brother. It was hard to tell with the new mask Mikey had made for him, but Raph’s eye had a scar around it. He had also started to notice that Raph’s injured eye looked a bit milky compared to his uninjured one. He filed it away in his mind to check it out when they got home. He patted Raph’s hand and stepped forward. “Let’s get some food. I’m sure our brothers are starving.”

“You sure you don’t want to talk about this more?” Raph asked gently, stepping forward as well and gesturing to the wall so that the portal opened. “You can talk to me.”

But Donnie… he was no longer hearing Raph. The wall had warped, forming a shimmering doorway for them; a portal of sorts. Donnie felt his hands start to sweat, and his hearing began to ring. He wasn’t standing here, in front of a pizza place; he was back on that disgusting island, staring up at the portal as it closed, exploding and taking their brother from them.

He couldn’t move. All he could do was stand there and stare at the portal to the restaurant. It wasn’t until Raph moved to stand in front of him, the portal behind him closing, that Donnie crashed back to reality. He was holding his breath, and Raph’s eyes were worried as he set his hands on Donnie’s shoulders. “Hey, breathe little brother. C’mon, come back.”

Come back, come back, your family needs you!

Donnie gasped, sucking in air, and his legs began to shake. Raph kept his hands on Donnie’s shoulders, anchoring him. Donnie focused on getting air back into his lungs, his hands subconsciously coming up to grip Raph’s forearms. When he finally felt steady, he managed to lift his head enough to look at his big brother.

Raph just looked tired and sad. “It’s okay, Dee, I got you.”

“S-sorry. Sorry, I…” Donnie slowly straightened, his hands still resting on Raph’s arms. “I don’t know what happened.”

“No, I think you do.” Raph sighed softly. “I really think you do.”

Raph was right, of course. Donnie, in the back of his mind, knew exactly what had happened and why. He just hadn't expected it to hit him so hard. A part of him was aware that he was laughing, but the sound was wobbly and empty. “Well, this is embarrassing.”

“Oh, Donnie.” Raph’s voice was soft. “I’m sorry this is happening. I’m sorry any of this is happening.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it though?” Raph’s mouth pulled into a sad smile. “If I had been stronger, faster, smarter, then none of… none of that would’ve happened.”

Donnie’s head shot back up to glare at his older brother. “Don’t even go there Raph. We already have Leo trying to destroy himself from the inside out, we don’t need you going down that path too.”

Raph just shrugged. “It’s the truth.”

“It is not! God, are all of you determined to be the death of me?!” He was trying so hard not to shout, but his emotions were ramping back up, fighting and clawing to the surface. He pushed them down, hard, and stepped out of Raph’s grip, his hands dropping to his sides. “Just… go get the pizza and let’s go home.”

His big brother just stared at him for a moment. Donnie couldn’t look at him, instead letting his gaze watch the alley entrance as he shoved his hands into his hoodie. Finally, Raph turned, opened the portal, and went inside the restaurant. When he came back out, he had a large stack of boxes, the smell heavenly as usual. Without a word, he halved the box stack, letting Donnie take them, and they made their way to one of their tunnel access points. They didn’t speak for the rest of the walk home, which Donnie was both grateful for and upset about.

Just before arriving to the entrance of their home, Donnie couldn’t take it anymore. The words bubbled up and out of him. “I’m sorry, Raph.”

Raphael stopped, turning toward his purple-clad brother. He seemed to be turning words over inside his head, deciding what the best thing to say was. Donnie could practically see the wheels turning in there. Finally, he said, “Apology accepted. It’s okay… I understand.”

Donnie nodded, hefting the warm boxes in his hands. “Don’t tell our brothers what happened today. I don’t need them making fun of me.”

“They wouldn’t, not about that.”

“Well, don’t tell them anyway.” Don was walking again, moving past his big brother with a small grin. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Okay.” Raph shrugged, giving his own smile. “But if you need to get it out of your system, just come tell me. We can always spar it out or something.”

Donnie gave him a real smile this time. “Thanks big brother.”

Leo was having another nightmare. Donnie didn’t hear screams this time; he just woke up and felt the air as it filled with static. He’d know that static anywhere. It was the exact hum, the exact taste of ozone and fire that pressed the atmosphere just before Leo teleported or opened a portal. Unfortunately, the place he portaled to was right into the garage outside of Donnie’s room.

He saw a flash of blue light, already standing up and grabbing his bo-staff and wrist tech when he heard Leo crash into a set of tools. Shit. He started running.

Leo was on his hands and knees, dry heaving and covered in a sheet of sweat. He was shaking so hard, Donnie could see it even in the dim lighting. He was gripping his katanas in both hands, his knuckles nearly white. He was wearing his blue hoodie, unzipped, and his leg brace. The crash seemed to have torn some of the bandages around his plastron, which might explain why he was dry heaving now.

“Leo? Hey, are you okay?” Donnie asked, keeping his voice calm and soft.

Leo’s head shot up, and Donnie could tell that he wasn’t here, not in his mind. The look in his eyes was wild, afraid, and Donnie had to fight the urge to put his bo-staff in front of him for protection. If he made one wrong move, he really felt like Leo would attack him in his blind fear.

“Leo, it’s just me.” Donnie slowly lowered into a crouch. “It’s Donnie… I’m here, you’re home.” Something crossed his face; maybe recognition. Donnie tried again. “Leo, you’re safe.”

Slowly, Leo’s grip on his swords loosened. He stared at Donnie, and Donnie stared back, keeping his stance low and open, setting his bo-staff on the ground. Then, Leo said, “Donnie?”

“Yes.” Donnie sat on the floor of the garage now. Now that his eyes had adjusted to the dark, he saw a few cuts had bloomed along Leo’s arms from his crash into the toolbox. He’d probably have some new bruises, too. “I’m here.”

“Shit… what… how did I get here?” Leo asked, his voice shaking with the rest of him.

“You teleported.” Donnie nodded to the katanas in his hands. “Took a nasty fall into the garage.”

Leo tried for a chuckle, but it was weak. “That’s… embarrassing.”

Well, this is embarrassing.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.” Donnie stayed where he was, waiting for Leo to make the first move. “Unless they heard you and are coming here. In which case, I still won’t tell anyone, but they’ll probably see you.”

“I hope not.” Leo muttered. “If they do, you have to lie about what happened and make me look cool.”

“Deal, but only if you let me have dibs on our next Jupiter Jim pick for movie night.”

“Done.” Leo’s voice sounded almost normal now, his usual playfulness coming back. Then, with a sigh, he pushed himself up so he could sit, his hands letting go of the swords and leaving them there. “That fall hurt.”

“Want me to look at the damage?” Donnie offered, already pulling up the holo-screen on his wrist.

“Sure.” Leo tipped his head back, closing his eyes as Donnie slowly rose to his feet and came closer. “Doctor DonTron, I need medical assistance.”

“Shut up and sit still.” Donnie mumbled, crouching down next to him. He checked his vitals chip and then did a physical assessment. All the cuts were small and only one or two of them would need a bandage of any kind, but nothing in need of stitches. “You’ll be sore for a few days but otherwise you’re fine.”

“Figured as much.” Leo leaned forward, legs crossed as he rested his hands on his knees.

They were silent, Donnie just crouched beside Leo as his brother looked down at the ground. Then, Leo whispered, “I had a bad dream.”

“Figured as much.” Don parroted, earning a tug of a smile from Leo. “Are you okay?”

Leo shrugged. “Sometimes I think this is the dream. Other times… I know that this is real and it makes me angry at my dreams. Sometimes… I fight back. I didn’t think I’d be able to use my ninpo in my sleep.”

“Me either,” Donnie grinned. “I find it very interesting. Maybe we can run tests on that ability.”

Leo tsked. “Leave it to you to make an experiment out of me.”

“Always.”

He laughed then, really laughed, and Donnie felt relief wash over him. He gave Leo’s face a sharp poke. “Come on, dum dum, let’s go get you patched up and back in bed.”

“I can patch myself up just fine.” Leo tried to wave him off, but Donnie wasn’t having it.

“I need to be sure you didn’t re-injure your leg.”

Leo gave him a flat look. “Doesn’t your fancy little chip do that for you?”

Donnie stiffened, trying not to look guilty. Leo saw right through him of course, so he sighed in defeat. “So you noticed huh?”

“Of course I did. You aren’t as sneaky as you think you are, Dee. But, I don’t mind having it.” Leo stood shakily, and Donnie offered him some support with his arm. “So, what does it tell you?”

“Only your vitals.” Donnie replied, helping Leo slowly across the garage toward Donnie’s room. “It can tell me if there's a major or minor injury, but not exactly where or what that injury is. I’d have to do that with my eyes or my goggles, and in the dark, I can’t use my eyes very well.”

Leo nodded, his jaw set as they made it out of the garage. He definitely had to have some bruising. Donnie wanted to check to make sure his shell was holding up okay. He was going to be so pissed if all that research and hard work to get his dum dum brother’s shell to heal properly was ruined because of this event.

They made it to Donnie’s room, where Leo was slowly sitting on the edge of the bed while Don grabbed some medical equipment. He made Leo take off his hoodie so he could fully see the bandages, which he did slowly, obviously sore. Donnie began examining his brother, covering up the small cuts and putting a cream of some kind over the bruises that were already appearing.

“You’re getting pretty good at this, Dee.” Leo grinned, examining the handiwork. “You might replace me as our medic.”

“No thanks,” Donnie said, stowing away the first aid kit. “I have too many other things to deal with. Besides, I’m only doing this because you couldn’t, but once you’re better, I’m back on the bench.”

“You sure?” Leo grinned, leaning back on his hands.

“Absolutely.” Donnie clapped his hands together. “Now let me double check your shell and then you need to go back to bed so I can go back to bed.”

Leo obediently turned sideways, letting Donnie undo the bandages and check the binding strips to make sure everything was in place. “You, go to sleep? Now I know I’ve gotta be dreaming.”

“Oh, ha-ha.” Donnie rolled his eyes. He made a few small adjustments, but thankfully, nothing was so out of place that it undid all of his work. Satisfied that the shell was fine, he then asked to check Leo’s plastron, which he also found to be fine. With a sigh of relief, he rebandaged both sides of the shell before sitting beside Leo on the bed.

“You’re good to go. No big damage was done, so you’re still on track for your recovery.”

“Okay.”

Leo didn’t move though. He had grown quiet while Donnie had checked his shell injuries, and he now wondered if that had been… what was the word he’d found? “Triggering”, if he remembered correctly, was the word. And he wondered if touching his shell was a trigger for his brother. “Did I hurt you?”

He blinked slowly. “Hmm? Oh, oh, no, I’m okay. It’s a little painful but nothing like those first few weeks.” Leo flashed a smile.

“You spaced out. You’ve also been uncharacteristically quiet.”

Leo hesitated. Donnie suddenly understood why. Leo didn’t want to leave; he probably didn’t want to sleep alone after what just happened. Donnie stood back up. “Actually, nevermind. Follow me.”

With a look of confusion, he obeyed, slowly following Donnie up the stairs to the main platform. Donnie didn’t mention that they’d left Leo’s katanas on the floor of the garage. He didn’t mention that he was afraid of his brother falling apart, piece by piece. Instead, he texted Mikey, Raph, and Casey Jr, making sure it was sent to notify them with sound in case they were asleep. They made it to the living room, and Donnie wordlessly began pulling all the beanbags and couches and chairs closer together until there was a mass of furniture in the center of the room. Before Leo could ask what was happening, Mikey and Raph appeared, both with armfuls of pillows and blankets and stuffed animals. Casey Jr. popped his head around the corner a minute later, an uncertain smile on his face as he brought a pillow and blanket of his own.

“Turtle pile time!” Mikey announced excitedly, tossing the pillows and blankets into the furniture mess. “Well, maybe not a pile, but… uhhh… a sleepover! Or something.”

“Yeah, a sleepover.” Raph grinned, tossing each of his brothers a stuffed bear before throwing his blankets into the pile too. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

“Let’s put on a movie!” Mikey said, already heading for the projector.

“What is happening?” Leo asked, amusement and… something else on his face.

“Emergency sleepover.” Donnie replied, arranging the pillows and blankets before patting Leo’s favorite one. “Come on.”

Leo looked so overwhelmed with gratitude that it almost hurt. He sat down, and Mikey picked a movie, and Raph tossed a couple blankets over all of them as they found their spots near one another. They had the volume on low, but even their father came to join them after a while, picking his usual chair and falling asleep first.

The brothers talked and laughed quietly, Donnie among them. They had debates about Jupiter Jim, as usual, and Casey had a ton of questions about the movie that they were glad to educate him on. They put in a Lou Jitsu movie next, which everyone was having tons of fun with. Even Casey was starting to get into it. Before they knew it, everyone was falling asleep. As Donnie was nodding off, he felt Leo curl closer to him on the beanbag, his hand tapping on Don’s plastron.

“Hmm?” Donnie asked sleepily.

“Thank you.” Leo whispered.

“Anytime, bro.” Donnie let his head fall back into the pillows and his eyes closed. Leo chuckled, and Donnie smiled. “Anytime.”

Something had changed in Donnie. Maybe that was okay, for now.

Chapter Text

Raph was angry.

This wasn’t necessarily a new development. He’d always struggled with it, especially when his emotions were high. He was the first to punch, the first to rush forward, the first to the sandbag in their training space. He used that anger to push his brothers toward improvement, channeling it in positive ways so he didn’t hurt the people he loved the most.

But he was angry now. It was burrowing into his lungs and heart, taking him to the training room more and more and more; it’s where he was now.

He was punching the sandbag so hard, it was starting to tear, spilling the inside grains in a small but steady stream. The burns on his left hand had mostly healed, but the strength of his hits made them ache. Seeing the burns, the cracks, reminded him of his mistakes. He thought of how his littlest brother had had to step up when Raph was falling apart, broken down by his own failure. It reminded him that his own weakness had not only nearly destroyed the world, but had almost taken one of his brothers. He’d almost lost him by his own hand.

That didn’t even include the nightmares.

His fist went straight through the sandbag, his right hand lined with red light as he breathed heavily through his nose. Ever since the Kraang had taken over his body, the nerves in his right arm were weird; he couldn’t quite feel anything. Leo had been doing some research with their father about how to get his nerves fixed, but Raph wanted to tell them not to. He wanted to remember, just as much as he wanted to forget.

“We’re going to need some reinforced punching bags for you, buddy.”

Raph whirled around to find Leo leaning in the doorway, watching him. He couldn’t quite read his brother’s expression, even with his trademark smirk, and he hated that. So, he turned back around, grabbed another punching bag from the quickly diminishing pile, and hooked it up. “Yeah… maybe.”

Leo hummed to himself before wandering into the room. He was back to wearing his mask now that his eye wasn’t swollen anymore. It made him look and seem more like himself, as if having it on his face had granted him a mood boost, or possibly comfort. If it weren’t for the bandages and bindings still around his shell and plastron, or for the leg brace, he would look just like how he had before everything had gone to shit. Regardless, it was a relief to see him acting more like the Leo they all knew and loved.

Raph watched him from his peripherals, seeing how his steps were still a bit uneven, but steady. He no longer had that massive limp, and he didn’t need the crutches anymore either. He was healing at a fairly fast rate; all of them were.

Leo stopped somewhere by the training weapons, all wood and foam and weighted plastics. “What’s going on, Raphie?”

“Nothin’.” He shrugged, flexing his fingers. “Just trainin’.”

“Uh-huh.” Leo picked up a wooden sword and turned it over in his hands. Then he swung it around, the wood arcing gracefully around him as he took his time going through some slow-paced katas. “What’s really going on?”

“Just trainin’, Leo.” Raph put his hands back into fists and started a gentler session to cool down. “You should be resting.”

“Pfft, I’ve had enough rest.” Leo twirled the sword one last time before setting it back on its hooks. He made his way over to Raph, stopping somewhere to the side of the punching bag. He watched Raph for a minute before saying, “I want to train.”

Raph almost missed the bag in his shock. He looked at Leo then, eyes wide. “No way, Don and pops haven’t cleared you for that.”

Leo shrugged, a weird look crossing his face. “So? I’m dying to move here, bud. Train with me.”

“No.” He said, firm in his tone and stance. “I can’t risk all the work they’ve done to get you fixed up just because you’re bored.”

The look on Leo’s face darkened even more, a flash of shadow that Raph had never seen before. “Don’t pity me, Raph.” Then, as fast as it had come, the shadow left. Leo closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Look… it doesn’t have to be anything intense. I just… I need to move.”

Raphael saw it then; the restless movement of his brother’s uninjured leg, the way he kept shifting his weight around, the constant hand movements. Leo had always been a fidgety guy, but this was different somehow. Like his muscles were tighter, and his stance was far more closed and guarded than usual.

“You better not tell pops I let you do this.” Raph mumbled. “Or Donnie… they’ll literally kill me if they find out.”

Leo brightened instantly. “I won’t tell them. This will be our secret. Okay, okay, what should we do?”

Raph considered for a moment, mentally listing all the things that could hurt his brother further in his mind. Finally, he said, “Let’s just do some good ol’ stretching and yoga. I haven’t done that in a while, and I think I could use that right now.”

“Okay, sure.” Leo said, already headed for the sparring mat.

They settled themselves onto the mat, and Raph let Leo lead them in stretches first. Raph didn’t know much about physical therapy, but he knew his brother would be able to lead them in movements that shouldn’t hurt either of them. The stretches pulled at his muscles, but not too much, and he found himself falling into a meditative state alongside Leo as they breathed slowly and deeply.

Their stretches progressed into yoga, holding stances and poses longer and really working out their muscles. Raph could almost feel it along his right arm, the constant feathery buzz of his damaged nerves fading into the pull of his body, and he breathed long and slow through each movement. He actually started to feel calmer as he mirrored his brother, his rage subsiding significantly.

As for Leo, his focus seemed to zero into himself. His eyes were glazed as he went through the motions, some poses a little awkward or stiff from the pull it started to have on his injuries, but he didn’t push it too far. At least, at first he didn’t. His transition into battle katas was so smooth and controlled that at first, Raph didn’t realize Leo had switched gears. When he did finally notice, it was because Leo’s breathing had changed. Raph also noticed sweat starting to bead on his brother’s head and neck and knew that Leo probably needed a break.

“We can stop, Leo. That was a good session. I feel a heck of a lot better than I did.” He suggested, slowly straightening and rolling his neck, the beginning of a smile ghosting his mouth.

“So there was something wrong.” Leo grinned, smug with himself as per usual. He didn’t stop his movements. “Glad to know I could help out.”

Raph crossed his arms, giving his brother ‘The Look’. “While your company and yoga wisdom is appreciated, I think you should stop now. Don’t overwork yourself.”

“Nah,” Leo flashed his teeth in a big, super fake smile. “I’m good.”

“Raph knows you better than that, and Raph says you should stop.” He prodded, still watching as Leo went into the next movement, each set moving just a little faster. “Take a breather, at least. You can keep going after that if you really want to.”

“Raph, I’m fine.” Leo laughed, his hands now in fists as he began shadow boxing, feet shuffling around the mat as he started adding kicks, too. But his breathing was continuing to fall out of its previously calm and focused rhythm, and there was obvious strain in his body by the stiffness of it all.

Oh great… there it is again. That boiling anger rose up in Raph. He tried to push it down, really he did, but watching his brother push himself, listening to him lie to them about his current state, and knowing it was because of him… it was enough to make him crazy. He grit his teeth and tried to say his next words as calmly as possible. “Leo, stop.”

Leo finally looked over then. There was a fire in his eyes, too. A burning, fiery rage, almost exactly like what Raph was feeling on the inside. It turned Raph’s stomach for two reasons. One, because he hated seeing Leo angry. It was such a rare thing for his little bro to be genuinely mad about anything. Two, Raph knew that other glint in his eyes all too well; Leo wanted a fight.

“Make me stop, then, if it’s such a big deal.” Leo mumbled, his smile falling away to reveal the ugly emotions underneath. Raph knew them all too well.

“Don’t test me right now, Leo.” Raph ground out. “I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Also, I know what you’re doing.”

“And what’s that?” Leo straightened now. From a distance his stance might look casual and loose, but Raph knew better. Leo’s muscles were now perfectly warmed up for a spar, and another wave of anger and worry swept over him; his brother had tricked him into this and was now trying to poke at him to get what he wanted.

“You want to spar; to fight. I’m not going to do it.” Raph’s forehead creased, figurative eyebrows furrowing.

“Who said I wanted to fight?” Leo snapped back.

“Your stance and your attitude.” He tried one last time to take a breath deep enough to swallow the rising wave, swallow the urge to scream and shout at anyone who came close to him. He thought he’d outgrown this behavior, leaving it far back in his childhood. Turns out all it had done was go to sleep, a beast waiting to awaken. “Leo, let’s just… stop for today.”

“What, scared you’ll lose?” Leo pushed. Why did he always have to push? “Raphie too chicken to fight me because of a little injury?”

“It isn’t a little anything!” He wasn’t going to be able to hold back. Already, his emotions were beginning their override on his logic. “Your shell is cracked! You’re wearing a leg brace! C’mon, Leo, don’t be stupid!”

“I’m not stupid!” He shouted back.

“Then stop acting like it!”

Leo hissed, glaring at Raph. He’d been doing that a lot to everyone lately, the glaring. It happened in bits and pieces, and was usually quickly buried under the emotional mask Leo insisted on wearing every single damn day. It was a habit Raph thought Leo had worked out in their childhoods, too. The two of them used to fight a lot as children, always arguing over who was better at what thing while Donnie ignored them and Mikey told them to stop fighting because it made him sad. They used to fight a lot with their fists too, leaving them both bruised and crying. Pops had to step between them on several occasions when Donnie and Mikey couldn’t, his eyes sad and tired. Raph realized he and Leo had been falling back into this routine in the last year or so, and he hated feeling like they were starting over.

Raph knew this was snowballing too fast, but he couldn’t push down that fire. Especially not after Leo went to walk past him and intentionally shoved his shoulder into Raph’s arm as he passed. He wanted to stop, wanted to just let it go, but his body was already moving. He turned and grabbed Leo’s shoulder. “Dude, what the hell is your problem?!”

“Let me go,” Leo stepped roughly out of Raph’s grip. His gaze was sharp, ready, and burning right into Raph. “Unless you’re the one who wants to fight.”

“Well maybe now I do.” Raph growled.

Before either of them could start swinging, however, a voice cut through the air like a knife. “Stop!”

Shock washed over both their faces as their heads whipped around to the source of the voice. There, standing in the doorway and looking disappointed and a little mad, was Casey Jr. His hands were curled up into loose fists as he looked between them. “Are you both crazy?! You guys are injured! You’ll never heal up to fight actual bad guys again if you’re always fighting each other.”

“Stay out of this, Case.” Leo’s voice was low, his eyes now trained back on Raph.

“No.”

That seemed to catch Leo off guard, because his eyes widened as he turned back toward the boy. Casey walked into the room now, heading right for both of them, and something in his stride told Raph he meant business. It made the fire in him sputter out a little.

“Case, I’m serious, this doesn’t concern you.” Leo huffed.

“I’m serious too, Master Leonardo. I may not have known you as a kid in my time, but I do know this; you haven’t changed.” Casey planted himself between Raph and Leo, glaring between the two of them as he crossed his arms. “You always look for a fight when you’re feeling off, and you used to tell me you’d go looking for Raph because you knew he could handle whatever you had to throw at him.”

That did it. Raph felt like cold water had been poured over him as his body slumped in surprise. He was staring at his little brother, who no longer seemed able to look at him. Instead, Leo now had his gaze trained on Casey, a myriad of emotions flying through his expression. Casey didn’t break eye contact. He didn’t look afraid, or sad, or unsure. He just looked… well, Raph wasn’t really sure.

“You don’t know me.” Leo’s voice turned icy. “You don’t know a damn thing about me.”

Casey laughed, but the sound was almost mocking. “Oh, I do, and I think you know that. If you want to talk, then let’s talk. Fighting with your brothers or your family isn’t going to solve anything.”

Leo’s eyes blazed at Casey, his body poised for a fight, and for the first time ever, Raph felt afraid of his brother. Then, just as quickly, Leo’s eyes emptied of all those things Raph had been trying to dig through mere seconds before. Now, he sharply turned on his heel and strode out of the training room without another word. Casey’s shoulders sagged as he watched Leo go before turning to Raph. Ah… there they were; tears in Casey’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, Raphael.” He sniffed. “I just… don’t want you guys to fight. I know he’d hate himself for it later.” He swiped at his eyes. “Was it wrong of me to step in?”

Raph slowly sank into a crouch so he was more eye-level with the teen. “No, I think… I’m glad you did. I was ready to pummel him for having such an attitude.” He tried for a laugh. “I thought he was going to punch you for a moment there.”

“Honestly, so did I.” Casey returned the weak smile. Then, he ran a hand over his face. “I don’t know… how to talk to this Leonardo. Or any of you guys. You are all so… different.”

“Young?”

“Yes. But also, no. There’s a lot about you guys that never changed. But… there are also things I was too young to understand. I think seeing some of those things now is making me connect those dots laid out for me as a kid.”

“Like?”

“You and Master Leonardo, for one. He always spoke so highly of you. He… he really… he loves you. But… I think this version of my Sensei is still trying to learn to handle everything that’s happening around him. Meanwhile, the Leonardo I grew up with was already older and had been through the… well, some of the hard stuff already.”

Raph felt himself deflate. Of course he knew Leo loved him. Leo loved all of them, or he wouldn’t have done what he did. So… why did the admission hurt instead of comfort him?

He reached out a large hand and patted Casey’s shoulder. “Thank you, Casey. Let’s give Leo some space; he’ll come around.”

“Okay.” He nodded. Then, his tone turned concerned. “What about you? Are you okay?”

Raph was angry again, the burning ocean in him seemingly at a constant simmer. He didn’t know when this overwhelming madness had formed. Maybe it was way before the Kraang; maybe it was after. He had no way of knowing, at least not yet. And, looking at this kid before him, his eyes so full of innocence and hope, even with the world he grew up in, Raph found himself unable to tell the truth. Casey would probably see right through him, but he still couldn’t admit it aloud yet.

Raph was angry. But, instead, he smiled and said, “I’m just fine, lil’ guy.”

Raph remembered everything. Every moment of his transformation, every second spent in that weird gelatin pod to prepare his body to be the perfect host for his captors. He remembered his family showing up to save him. They couldn’t have known that cutting him down would just make him turn. He’d punched and pushed them all away, to try and get distance. He’d never forgive himself if he hurt them…

Except, he had. He’d hit his pops and April; something he’d never do. His brothers could take his hits. He knew this, and it was why he’d still held back when pushing them away. But, he’d lost control of his body, throwing the full weight of his arm – now a thick tentacle-like thing – into their stomachs. April was down the longest, and it was as if he’d punched himself.

He fought, he really did. He wanted control of his body again, but it was like trying to swim through concrete or tar. Things got fuzzy around this time. It wasn’t until he heard Leo’s voice that he felt his vision begin to clear a bit. He had his swords drawn… he was saying something… he couldn’t quite hear. But, Leo’s face was determined, and before he could register that look, Raph’s body was flying at Leo’s. They clashed, Leo’s blades hardly felt against Raph’s newly transformed skin.

It felt like it lasted forever. Raph was desperately fighting back now; Leo had put his swords away. His eyes were sad and full of an understanding and maturity that Raph had never seen before. It was like watching something click into place in his head, his hands out in a way that said he wasn’t a threat anymore. Raph… he couldn’t stop his body. He was moving, swiping at his brother. The Kraang behind them shouted, and within moments, two pillars of disgusting goo were holding Donnie and Mikey in a tight grip by its throne.

Raph’s tentacled arm was wrapping around Leo’s ankle and tossing him overhead, throwing him down hard into the floor. Leo… he wasn’t fighting anymore. He was talking again, eyes softened and afraid and desperate. He was trying to reach his big brother; Raph could feel it. Leo’s voice, his heart, was like a tether being thrown down into the darkness for Raph to climb. He began fighting to the surface, the darkness not quite as thick as he followed his brother’s voice.

“... But we do it anyway because that’s what it means to be a hero.” Leo was gasping around the grip Raph now had around his neck, holding him in the air. Raph wanted so badly to let go. He was screaming into the darkness to let Leo go, even as he felt his arm go numb, sharp edges forming between his fingers. Leo suddenly stopped struggling in Raph’s grip, his hands slowly lowering in surrender as he kept eye contact between them. “If this is it, I want you to know I finally understand… and I’m sorry.”

Something in Raph snapped. Hearing his little brother’s voice crack, his body going slack and his eyes full of grief and understanding, it broke the surface of the dark ocean above his head. He would not kill his brother. He would not be the Kraang’s plaything. He would not. He fought, fought, fought… and broke free.

Leo coughed on the floor, but recovered quickly, eyes now shining with hope. “Raph, Raph, there you are! Come back, come back, your family needs you!”

He was tearing at his face. He wanted that thing off of him; off his eye and out of his body. He almost missed Leo being grabbed up by the Kraang. Leo was hit hard in the chest as more goo tried to swallow him, burying into his skin. But he was fighting back, telling his brothers to do the same. He was saying they had to fight back for him. Raph felt his power rising up in him, strong and fast.

He knew he could do this as long as he had his brothers. As long as they fought together, they could do anything. He loved them. He loved them. He loved them.

How was it, that after all that talk, Leo would send them all away? How was it that Leo could leave them on that island and not bring them back up to fight alongside him? How could he… how could Leo do this?!

“Leo, please don’t do this!” Raph pleaded, fear burning through him. "Leo!”

His brother chuckled through the coms, sad and wistful. “You’re one to talk, big bro. Hero moves are totally your style.”

Raph felt his body turn, eyes cast upward to the Technodrome where he knew his little brother was fighting, injured and alone. His heart dropped into his stomach, and Raph wrapped one arm around himself tightly, trying to keep himself from freaking out. He had to be strong for his other two brothers. He had to be strong. Even as he heard Leo being beaten and berated. Even as he heard Leo beg to close the portal with himself still inside. He couldn’t fucking breathe.

Why couldn’t Leo have left Raph there instead? Why couldn’t Raph have been good enough? Why wasn’t he enough?!

The portal closed, exploding and making him drop to his knees. The portal closed, and Raph couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t even cry. All he could do was try to fight back the overwhelming guilt as it began to eat him alive, spreading like acid through his blood, fighting the urge to throw up. He hated this. He hated everything… especially himself.

He had never been good enough. Not even to save one little brother.

Perhaps this was the plight of being the oldest sibling. He constantly felt like he had to be watching everyone and taking care of them. But, his brothers were getting older, and they were relying on him less and less. They didn’t need him.

What does that mean for me?

He shook the thought, noticing Mikey in the kitchen area. He was whistling softly to himself as he made lunch for everyone. His hands were still bandaged on Leo’s orders, but that hadn’t stopped him from doing his part around the lair. He was still helping cook and clean and mend clothing. He made sure everyone ate, even Donnie, and kept smiling and hugging everyone. If Raph didn’t know better, he’d say Mikey was going just fine.

But Raph did know better. He could see it now as Mikey tried to pick up a spoon and dropped it several times. His whistling paused as he carefully, slowly, picked up the spoon and tried to steady his shaking hands and fingers around it. Once he looked satisfied with his grip, the whistling continued. Raph would have to ask Pops about it later.

Raph found himself wandering toward the youngest brother, knocking softly on the wall to catch his attention. “Hey Mike, what’re you making?”

Mikey turned to look at him, smiling brightly. “Some mac and cheese with sandwiches. Keeping it simple today.” He pointed toward the bread bags on the counter behind him. “Wanna help me with the sandwiches while I finish up the mac?”

“Sure, buddy.” Raph followed Mikey’s finger, walking to the counter and taking out stacks of bread. Mikey had already sorted the spreads in jars and squeeze bottles along the wooden counter, as well as different cheeses and veggies. Raph knew what everyone liked and started making them one by one with care. Mikey was back to whistling, but Raph could hear the way the spoon clanked shakily along the metal pot as he stirred it. He cleared his throat, keeping his eyes on the sandwiches as he asked, “How are you today?”

“I’m doing good.” Mikey replied. There was a pause. “How are you today?”

Damn, not Doctor Feelings. Raph thought, his eyes trailing up to the ceiling in defeat. I’m not good at avoiding him when he switches into this mode.

“Uhhhh, fine.” Raph laughed, finishing another sandwich and setting it aside on the plate that had been left there. He only had about four to go now. “Just fine.”

“Oh really?” Mikey’s tone was bright, but Raph knew better; he was digging for a certain answer. “That’s not what I heard.”

And here we go. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“You and Leo? This morning? Not ringing any bells, hmmm?” Mikey had stopped stirring and when Raph looked over his shoulder, his orange-clad brother was leaning against the counter, one “eyebrow” raised in suspicion.

Raph sniffed. “Nothing happened.”

“Oh Raphie, you’re a terrible liar.” Mikey shook his head. “What happened?”

“Nothing.” He insisted, turning back to finish the last two sandwiches. The silence stretched on to an uncomfortable amount, and Raph could feel Mikey’s eyes boring into his head. He finished the last sandwich and turned back to his youngest brother. “Okay fine, we had a fight.”

Mikey’s face fell a bit before pulling himself back into serious mode. “Why?”

“He started it.”

“No, that’s not what I asked.” Mikey said gently. It was freaky sometimes how he could switch his energy like that; it was as if his aura controlled the atmosphere. “Why did you fight?”

Raph groaned loudly and slumped back into the counter. “He just… he wanted to spar and I said no. But he kept insisting he needed to move around, so I suggested some yoga. And that was all fine and dandy until he started doing katas and I told him to stop because he looked like he was in pain and I didn’t want dad and Donnie to kill me for letting him move around like that! So then, he started picking at me and… I just… I got frustrated and he pushed me and then I wanted to… ugh!”

Raph felt that rage again. He hated how familiar he was becoming with it. Mikey seemed to notice because he pushed off the counter near the stove and came to lean against the one next to Raph. “You and Leo… you guys argue, sure, but it’s rare that you actually fight. Did he hit you?”

“No.” Raph mumbled, looking down at his feet and scowling.

“Did you want to hit him?”

“Yes.” He sighed again and started twiddling his fingers together. “He always has to push. I hate that he does that… it’s what gets him hurt.”

Mikey nodded and hummed in an understanding way. Then, he lifted an arm and set it on Raph’s shoulder. “What’s going on, big bro? You usually aren’t so easily riled up anymore.”

Everything. Nothing. All of it all at once. Raph squeezed his eyes shut, letting one hand come up to cover Mikey’s as he did so. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? It isn’t his burden to carry but… it hurts.

Raph gently tightened his hand where it rested over Mikey’s. “I’ve been on edge lately is all. I want Leo to heal up okay. I want Donnie to get some rest. I want you to be happy and for April to stop blaming herself for something that wasn’t her fault.” He slowly opened his eyes, still looking down at his feet. “I want dad to stop acting like he failed us.”

Mikey pulled his hand away only to step in and wrap his arms around Raph as much as he could. His cheek squished against Raph’s side as he did so, burying himself there as he held tight. “Raph… I think you’re carrying too much. You gotta take care of yourself, too.”

The words were like a punch to his gut and heart. He found himself wrapping an arm around Mikey, holding him close. He wanted Mikey to be right… he wanted to be able to not worry about his brothers and his family. Hell, he wanted Casey to find a home here, too. The kid had damn well been through enough. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he still had to be responsible; that he had to take care of them, or something bad would happen.

But his brothers were growing up. They didn’t need him as much anymore. They hardly called for him lately. He wanted them to call for him, but they didn’t need to.

Raph wished he could be angry right now. Instead, he just felt lost.

He heard someone in the training room, their hits hard and fast against a sandbag. Raph prayed to anyone who may be listening that it wasn’t Leo, or things might get ugly fast. He was surprised, however, to find Casey, his hands in gloves and his hair tied back as he attacked the bag. He wore one of Mikey’s t-shirts and a pair of dark blue sweatpants that had to be Leo’s. His feet were laced into his boots as he shifted around the bag, air puffing out of him with each hit.

Raph watched silently for a minute, seeing how precise the hits were and how the speed of them was hard to follow. He was surprised to notice that his movements looked like a blend of Leo and Donnie, but with hints of jabs and power punches that were all Raph. Whoa, weird.

Casey suddenly stopped, breathing heavily, and said, “You just gonna watch or do you want a turn?”

Raph chuckled and approached the bag. “You hit pretty good, kid.”

“Mas— um, er, Leonardo taught me, mostly.” He rolled his shoulders and got into a fighting stance. Yeah, that was a Leo stance all right. Casey began to hit the bag again as Raph put on his own gloves.

“You okay?”

“Needed to blow off steam.” Casey mumbled, hitting the bag hard.

Something about the way he was punching made Raph feel weirdly understood. Casey had been so busy with trying to save the world when he arrived, they hadn’t had much time to get to know him. And lately, he’d been so busy worrying about everyone else and being moon-eyed over Leo that Raph hadn’t seen him much except for dinners or the few movie nights they’d had. He was… different; lost in a time he didn’t quite belong in, and hanging with versions of themselves that he seemed to both know and not know at all. He’d lost everything, in a way. Maybe he was angry, too.

He decided to change the subject. “Mikey teach you, too?” Raph asked, adjusting the glove’s band around his wrist.

“Sometimes.” Casey huffed between punches. “My mom taught me some as well.”

Raph was watching again, arms crossed as he studied the kid’s movements. There it was; the finishing blows were like looking into a mirror. Finally, Raph asked, “And me?”

Casey hesitated then, his punches pausing as his eyes traveled to Raph. He straightened slowly, chest heaving as he wiped at his brow with his arm. “I… didn’t get to learn from you very much.”

Raph felt his brow furrow. Raph-Chasm. “But your finishing blows… they… here, let me show you.”

Casey stepped back, letting Raph have his turn. The turtle began his own routine, keeping his jabs light at first and gradually working into his harder hits. He began counting to ten, jabs becoming faster, heavier, until he landed his final two blows with a grunt. Catching the bag on its backswing, he looked back to Casey, who was staring wide-eyed.

“Those are your techniques.” He said, awe-struck.

“Yeah,” Raph drew the word out in confusion. “Didn’t you learn it from me?”

Casey shook his head, his fingers flexing at his sides. “No, Donatello and Leonardo taught me that one. They… studied everyone’s fighting styles to make training videos for me to follow, but I really struggled with certain styles. I didn’t know it was yours. Donatello taught me the steps, the movements, but Leonardo taught me how to use them.”

Raph wasn’t sure how to proceed. Any time Casey spoke about his timeline, he seemed hesitant to talk about the Hamato Clan and its members. He had also noticed that Casey never referred to Raph in honorifics like “Master Raphael”, the way he did to his brothers. He may not notice everything, but it wasn’t lost on him that Casey may not have known Raph well at all in his timeline. “I wasn’t around, was I?”

Casey adjusted his gloves thoughtfully, looking almost embarrassed. “No… you weren’t.”

After a few taps of his knuckles against the sandbag, Raph motioned for Casey to step in again. “No time like the present, I guess.”

Casey’s eyes flew wide with shock and… excitement. “Really? You’ll teach me your techniques!?”

“Well, uh,” Raph rubbed the back of his neck. Suddenly, he was the one who was embarrassed. “I mean, if you want to learn. I’m not much of a good teacher, but if you want to learn from the man himself… I mean, the turtle himself —.”

“I’d love to learn!” Casey interrupted Raph’s stammering uncertainty with gusto and a sparkle in his eyes. He held his fist out, and Raph found himself starting to smile as he returned Casey’s fist bump. Casey bounced on his toes a bit before shifting to stand beside Raph. “I’m ready when you are.”

They began the session. At first, Raph just showed Casey the steps, then worked into a slower version of his jabs, feints, and power punches. He told him his hits had to come from his gut, his soul, in order to pack in the power. He had to not hesitate, to follow through, and to stay sharp. They practiced for over an hour before Raph, sweating and tired, told Casey to show him what he’d learned.

As Raph watched Casey going at the sandbag, he suddenly had a question. “What did Mikey teach you? I’m not noticing his movements in your fight style much.”

Casey turned and flashed a toothy, nearly feral grin. “He taught me how to improvise.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning he showed me how to be flexible with anything and everything.” Casey turned back to the sandbag and began working his way up to the final punches. With a yell, he landed his last blow, sending the bag swinging. He sidestepped the bag as it came back toward him in a way that screamed Donnie’s name and turned on his heel to face Raph again. “Maybe if we spar sometime, I’ll show you what I mean.”

For the first time in weeks, Raph found himself smiling and meaning it. Maybe someone still needed him, after all. “You’re on, Junior.”

Chapter Text

Mikey never woke from his nightmares with kicking and screaming. He woke in absolute silence, tears streaming from his eyes as he stared blankly up at the ceiling of his room. It was a strange thing, this new sense of nothingness. The tears were coming from a well deep within him, but he couldn’t figure out where or how; he couldn’t feel it. He was numb in ways he’d never been before, but he didn’t have the time or energy to deal with that at the moment.

He wiped at his eyes, a tired breath whistling out of him. I should go make lunch.

He had fallen asleep in his beanbag with his mask on, and it had started to slip off, rolling up over his eyes. Straightening it so it fit snugly back over his eyes, he readied himself in case he ran into anyone on the way to the kitchen. Once he began cooking, he’d feel better, but until then, he didn’t want anyone noticing his mental state. So, he did what he did best; he smiled.

Leaving his room, he made his steps springy and light, nearly making it to the kitchen without seeing a single person. He was just reaching the doorway of the kitchen and dining room area when he saw Leo leaving the tunnel that led to their training room. He looked… gosh, Mikey almost couldn’t recognize it on Leo’s face because of how rare it was to see. Leo looked furious, stopping Mikey dead in his tracks as his eyes followed his brother. Either Leo didn’t see him, or he chose not to acknowledge him, because he kept walking until he disappeared down the steps toward his bedroom.

What could’ve possibly made Leo angry? He’s never… not like that, at least.

Mikey stared into the space that led to his two eldest brother’s rooms, debating going to check on Leo before deciding to give him his space this time. Besides, his stomach was starting to growl, and he hoped food would draw all his brothers into one room again. They’d been eating together just fine until the last few days, and Mikey wanted them to be in one room again. He needs it, he thinks, for them to stay close.

He began making mac and cheese, setting out the stuff for sandwiches along the counter. His hands were starting to shake again now as he whistled to himself, but he ignored it. Don’t think too hard about it, Michelangelo. He firmly pressed the frustration down, letting the blanket of nothingness cover him instead. Finally getting a good grip on the spoon he’d been trying to pick up, he checked the noodles in the boiling water. Then, he heard a soft knocking sound and turned his head to see Raph standing in the doorway, still wearing sweatpants and his hands freshly bandaged. If Mikey had to guess, his knuckles were probably swollen.

“Hey Mike, what’re you makin’?” Raph asked, voice soft.

Mikey smiled. It’s what he was best at. He told Raph what he was making, and gladly took up the offer for help. They were cooking in silence for a few moments before Mikey began to question Raph. He couldn’t help it; he knew something was off, especially after seeing Leo storm off like that. The two must’ve fought again, but this time the emotional wounds seemed to cut deeper, if the eerie quiet from Raph had anything to say about it.

Raph tried to deny it at first, but Mikey wouldn’t let him. Raph was bad at avoiding Doctor Feelings, and Mikey wanted at least one of his brothers to be okay today. He wanted to make them feel better. He wanted them to smile and laugh and hug each other again. So, he pressed the issue as gently as he could and, thankfully, it worked. Raph cracked a bit, telling Mikey about what had happened between him and Leo just a little bit ago. He was radiating… hurt and anger and grief in such intense waves, Mikey almost couldn’t stand next to him. But, he did anyway, lifting an arm and setting it on Raph’s shoulder in what he hoped was reassurance. It seemed to work because he seemed to relax under Mikey’s touch.

It was at this moment, with his hand on his eldest brother’s shoulder, that Mikey actually felt. He could feel what Raph was feeling just by being this close, and he didn’t want his brother to hurt like this. Being the most empathetic of the group was no easy thing. He wrapped his arms around Raph’s side, burying his face against the side of his plastron for fear that Raph would see the tears starting to form in his eyes. He didn’t see, but he did put one of his large arms around Mikey and hugged him close, letting the hug happen for as long as they both needed.

They pulled apart when the sound of footsteps reached them. Their dad walked in and wordlessly began grabbing his sandwiches and scooping mac and cheese onto his plate. Then, as he headed back toward the living room, he looked up at his sons and smiled. “You boys will be okay. Stay together; talk to each other. You… we will get through this.” With that, he walked away.

Raph and Mikey just stared after him, and before he could stop it, Mikey started to laugh. It was an airy, soft, almost empty sound, and it continued to build until he had to clap a hand over his mouth. Raph eyed him with amusement but also concern. “You okay there Mikey?”

He didn’t know. He wasn’t even sure where the laugh had come from. It hadn’t felt like his usual, joyful laughter. It had been something deeper… emptier. Still trying to reel his laugh back in, he managed, “Yeah, I’m good bro.”

“Are you sure?” Raph was looking at him closely now. Too closely, actually.

Mikey sucked in a deep breath and held it, trying to quell the laughter. He counted back from five and by zero he was good. “Yeah, yeah, sorry. I don’t know… where that came from, but it’s all good.” Before Raph could say anything else, he put on his best smile and grabbed a plate. “C’mon, let’s feed our brothers. I have a feeling they’re not going to come in here to eat.”

“For once, you would be wrong, Michael.”

Both brothers whirled around to find Donnie wandering into the room. He looked bone tired and cranky, but his tone was gentle enough. He slumped into one of the bar stools along the other side of the island counter and held out his hand for the plate Mikey was already almost done preparing. Raph got a tall glass of cold water and set it on the counter by the purple clad turtle before preparing his own plate. Mikey saw the way Donnie looked at the water and decided to make him some coffee, too. “Glad you could join us, Dee. Fresh bean juice is also on the way.”

Donnie gave him a half-hearted grin. “Oh thank Hawking, I am in need of caffeine. Thanks.”

“No problem.” Mikey busied himself with the coffee machine while Raph took a seat next to Donnie. “Sorry lunch is a little basic today. I accidentally took a nap.”

“It’s fine,” Raph said warmly. “Naps are probably good for all of us right now. Speaking of which…”

Donnie’s voice cut in. “Don’t even —”

“Don, you really should get some sleep.” Raph grumbled. Then his voice took on a teasing tone. “You look like shit.”

“Gasp! Ouch! You know, I’m only working so much so we can all be safe, so don’t be ungrateful! Also, I’m beautiful, so eff off.” Donnie’s tone was all tease and exhaustion, so Mikey knew he wouldn’t have to step in on this one.

Raph just laughed and they both got to eating. Within minutes, Mikey had a coffee just the way Donnie liked it. He set it in front of his brother before finally getting his own plate and joining them at the counter. Donnie turned on the TV above their heads to a random cartoon and they all watched it together, eating their lunch in near silence. Raph finished first, set his plate in the sink, and gave them a wave before heading out of the room. Mikey caught Donnie eyeing their brother’s still healing carapace, and sensed the wheels in the genius’ head turning.

“He’ll be fine, Dee.” Mikey’s tone was soft, bumping Donnie’s knee with his own. “You and pops and Leo are taking good care of each other on that front.”

“I dunno,” Donnie mumbled around the last bites of his sandwich. “I don’t think he’s been putting in his eye drops… and he hasn’t been checking in with Leo like he should.”

“Oh,” Mikey said slowly, his hands curling against the countertop. “I thought his eye was looking a little… cloudy.” He looked over at Donnie, whose body language betrayed how worried he was. Mikey nudged him with his leg again. “We just gotta pester him more then. Besides… I don’t know what's been going on with him and Leo lately, but he may not want to push into Leo’s space too much right now. Maybe you and I should be responsible for making Raph use the drops for a while.”

Donnie paused at that, his hands dropping onto the counter slowly. “Something happened between them?”

“Uhhh,” Mikey wasn’t sure what he should or shouldn’t say. “Well… I can’t say for sure, but Leo stormed off earlier while I was on my way here to the kitchen and… well, Raph looked sad.”

“Ugh, those two.” His brother pressed his fingers into his forehead, wrinkling his mask ever so slightly. “They still haven’t talked about everything. Neither of them have.”

None of us have. Mikey thought with a hint of bitterness, eyes now trained on his plate. No one wants to talk.

Outwardly, he said, “Maybe we can try and get them to talk it out?”

Donnie rested his head onto a fist, propping his arm up on the counter. He looked over at Mikey, observing him slowly. Then, he asked, “What about you?”

“What about me?” Mikey laughed, standing and taking his and his brother’s plates so he could set them in the sink. “I’m doing okay.”

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

But, of course, his hands had to betray him right then. He had almost made it to the sink, but suddenly his fingers went numb, and his hands began to shake. The plates fell out of his hands and Mikey barely managed to shift back enough for them to not land on his feet. They shattered against the hard floor.

He wasn’t sure why, but he wasn’t able to move anymore. He just stared down at the broken pieces of the plates, hands still slightly out. Donnie was asking something, and it took a minute for the words to piece together in Mikey’s head. It was as if time had slowed for him, that strange heavy feeling trying to pull him down by his ankles; his heart.

“Michelangelo, can you hear me?” Donnie was suddenly standing next to him, carefully avoiding the plate shards.

“Huh?” Mikey slowly, so slowly, lifted his gaze to meet his brother’s. Then, he shook his head, fighting off the heaviness in his body. “Sorry, I totally zoned out for a second there! Yeah, I can hear you, I’m good. Just… have butterfingers lately.”

“Mikey,” Donnie’s tone softened, and he slowly reached out a hand to set on his shoulder. “It’s okay if you’re not okay.”

Something dark and stubborn and oh so unusual pressed him to fight back. He didn’t need everyone worrying about him, not when Raph and Leo were far more broken. Broken, broken, why is everything broken right now?

He bent down and began picking up the bigger shards. “It’s okay Dee… I’ll be okay. All of us will, right?”

Donnie also bent down, but instead of picking up the shards, he gently took Mikey’s hands and made him drop the few he was already holding. Then, he pulled Mikey’s hands closer and began to unwrap them. “You should’ve told me your hands were still bothering you.”

“It’s not a big deal.” Mikey tried to sound casual, but he was failing. Tears were threatening to overtake him at any moment. “Dad said they’ll heal with time. Leo… well, he didn’t say that necessarily, but he did say I would be okay, too.”

“Oh Michael.” Donnie’s voice was so soft, it made Mikey want to break down right then. His older brothers were all so different from one another, but the two twins of the family were very similar in the fact that neither showed their true emotions very often. Mikey usually had to dig at them to get even a hint of their real feelings to the surface; or they had to be really super tired. For Donnie to just be gentle like this was so rare. Then again, Mikey had noticed some small changes in his purple brother lately, and this was one of those things.

Mikey couldn’t take it. He pulled his hands out from under Donnie’s inquisitive gaze and stood up. “I’m gonna go get the broom. I’ll be right back.”

As he headed for the small storage closet around the side of the fridge, he could feel Donnie’s eyes boring into his back, watching him go. He ignored it and, as he opened the closet door, he took a moment to steady himself. He couldn’t let them see him fall apart; he couldn’t let himself fall apart. Someone in this family had to keep the vibes positive, and that was something Mikey had always been good at.

If this was how he contributed to the healing of his family… he’d do it. He’d do anything for them as long as it kept them safe and together and whole.

As long as it kept them whole.

He was staring at that spot in the sky… the place his brother had been. The place Leo had been dying in. Now he was gone. Gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

He could still hear it all; Leo’s bones snapping and the way he cried out but still tried to sound brave and cocky. He said he’d missed on purpose, then there had been the telltale crackle of Leo teleporting to one of his swords. He’d begged Casey Jr to close the portal, and Mikey had shakily stood to his feet, unable to believe what he was seeing. The portal was closing, taking his brother with it. A whine of disbelief and hurt had made its way up and out of him, the sound of it swallowed by the boom of the exploding technodrome, but his hands flew to cover his mouth anyway.

Mikey felt sick, felt shock crashing over him in burst after burst. He felt angry and broken and so full of grief, he could’ve torn himself apart trying to get rid of it. Why did Leo always have to do this? Why was he always the first to offer up his life in exchange for theirs? Why did Leo not {{value}} himself? Did he not realize just how much they still needed him… how much Mikey needed him?

He’d always looked up to Leo. His coolness, his humor, his ability to talk his way into and out of any and every situation. He was a light in Mikey’s life. All of his brothers were, of course, but Leo was the one he felt closest to. Leo made Mikey laugh with little to no effort, and he was always in Mikey’s corner, hyping him up. He was always there.

And now he suddenly wasn’t. He was gone. He may even be dead, and he had no way of knowing that because he was literally in another dimension. It broke him so far down into himself, he did the only thing he could think of.

He lifted his hands, framing them around the spot where Leo had been. He was crying now, the tears flowing steadily as sobs shook his body. Something deep inside of Mikey was starting to burn, starting from his heart and working its way through the rest of his body. He hurt, he hurt, he hurt. But he wouldn’t give up. He’d never give up.

Raph’s voice cut through the grief. “Mikey… it’s over.”

How could he say that? Raph, of all of them, should know how he was feeling right now. Even Donnie… god, even Donnie was crying. He wouldn’t give up. “Leo never gave up on us.” He looked back to the sky, that fiery feeling going right for his hands. He begged, prayed, to anyone who may be listening, even his future self, that this would work. He would not let this be the last time they saw their blue brother. “I’m not giving up on him.”

The heat consumed him then, a bright yellow and orange light bursting from his hands and cracking the air in front of him. He was shouting, though he wasn’t sure if it was from pain or desperation at this point; probably both. His brothers told him not to stop, and his hands, his arms, were burning, but still he wouldn’t give up. Even if Raph and Donnie hadn’t been there, he would’ve kept going. But, their hands on his shoulders gave him courage, and they took on some of the same pain, their skin glowing as the cracks reached their hands too. Mikey felt their mystic energies flow into him and boost his strength, and with one final push, the portal fully formed.

It was so dark there. Mikey’s eyes tried to adjust to the shadows beyond the portal, searching for his brother. Then, they spotted him. Leo was there and thank pizza supreme in the sky, he was alive. But… he looked terrible. He was bloodied and he visibly winced as he looked up at them. His voice came out hoarse and strained, but he smiled anyway. “Took you guys long enough.”

Mikey held the portal open as Raph instantly activated his ninpo with a shout, the glowing red arm stretching out into the other dimension and grabbing hold of Leo’s entire hand, grasping at the wrist. He began to pull him out, and Leo was smiling with relief.

But the Kraang wouldn’t make it that easy. Its screech echoed in the space as it suddenly appeared beneath Leo, its claws grabbing at him and catching hold in his calf and ankle. Leo cried out, his eyes squeezing shut against the pain, a ribbon of blood already floating into the air around him. There was another crack in the air as its hand squeezed, and Leo could barely whimper now. Mikey shouted and so did Raph, both calling out for Leo, but Donnie was fastest. He said nothing, not a single word, but the pure wrath in his eyes and attack as he conjured a large drill said it all.

Stay away. Let. Him. Go.

Donnie’s glowing, purple drill strike got the Kraang right between the eyes, which startled him enough to let go of Leo’s leg. It also gave Donnie and Raph just the right amount of time to pull Leo through the portal together. Mikey couldn’t help himself; he gave the Kraang a mocking wink and shut the opening right in its stupid face. He hoped he never saw that thing again.

Donnie and Raph had caught Leo and set him on the ground. They looked worried; Leo’s eyes were closed, and his leg was bleeding. Actually, a lot of him was bleeding. Mikey rushed over, his body shaking and his hands tingling. They all leaned over him, all holding their breath as they waited to see if Leo was okay. But he managed to open one eye and greet them weakly; he even cracked a joke. He was alive. He was alive!

That’s all that mattered in that moment. He hadn’t lost Leo. They hadn’t lost each other. Raph was home. Leo was home. Donnie was home. His brothers were home. He’d do anything to keep them together.

Anything at all.

Donnie didn’t mention the plate incident to anyone. Mikey was going to ask him not to, but his brother had been ahead of the game, as usual. He understood why Mikey didn’t want to mention it to anyone, but the look in his eyes said, ‘you’ll have to deal with this eventually’.

So what if he didn’t talk about it? It’s not like anyone else was acting like themselves, either. Donnie being at lunch today was the first time Mikey had seen him leave his lab in days. Leo usually ate lunch and dinner with him but on his worst days, he stayed holed up in his room. Raph was the usual constant, no matter what mood he was in, but only physically. He spaced out a lot, seeming lost at the most random times, and that was when Mikey would just sit with him and hold his hand.

This was what Mikey was good at. Being there for his family was his own type of superpower, and if it helped them heal, then that’s what he would do. That didn’t stop the little voice in the back of his mind as it tried to scream at him though. What about you? What about you, Mikey?

It was in those moments that Mikey breathed deep and let the tingle of numbness take over him. He had to; he was afraid that if he let himself fall apart, he’d never be able to put himself back together. It wasn’t news to him that he was the most outwardly emotional next to Raph, and normally that wouldn’t be a problem. Normally, he’d go to his brothers to cry and they’d hug him or rub his head or hold his hand. They’d make him laugh and reassure him. But that was under normal circumstances, and right now, everything was not normal. Everything was falling apart, so for the time being, he couldn’t let himself fall apart either.

The thoughts made him want to laugh that hollow, empty laugh again. He thought after two months, things would be easier. He’d gone on small patrols with Raph and Leo, and he’d even gone once or twice with Donnie when he’d managed to pull him away from his lab for an hour or two. They’d secretly helped with as much of the city cleanup as they could, and many of their Hidden City friends had also helped out in disguise or at the weird hours of the night when New Yorkers would simply shrug at seeing a yokai or mutant. Lately though… it felt like everyone was backtracking; like his brothers were sliding down a steep hill into themselves. He didn’t know how to fix this. He didn’t know what the right thing to do or say was, and that was rare for him.

Mikey was trying to make dinner now, but the shake in his hands had gotten worse over the last few hours, and he was frustrated. He kept dropping the measuring cups as he tried to scoop flour into a bowl to make a dough for homemade pizza. It was the one food that was guaranteed to pull everyone from their rooms, yet it was starting to feel like the one food he couldn’t make.

Right when Mikey felt like he was going to lose his cool, a new voice laced the air. “Hi Michelangelo. What’re you making?”

Mikey turned to see Casey Jr, a gym towel around his neck and his hair tied back. His face was flushed and sweat shone on his skin, and Mikey guessed he’d been in the training room. He let that numbness come over him again as he flashed a bright smile at the most recent member of their family. “Hey Case! I’m making pizza. Or, I’m trying to.” He forced a lighthearted chuckle. “I’m a little off my game tonight.”

Casey looked knowingly at Mikey’s hands, which he tried his best to casually hide by picking up a dish towel and wiping some flour off his hands. Then, the teen said, “Let’s just go get some pizza tonight.”

Mikey’s eyes widened as he twisted the towel in his fingers. He really wished they’d stop shaking. “I can make a pizza though.”

Casey just waved a hand dismissively. “Nah, I think you’ve earned a break. Besides… I haven’t been able to spend much time with you lately and I think it’d be nice to get out for a bit. We can get pizza from… wherever you’d like.”

Being who he was, Mikey could sense the fact that Casey was trying to be accommodating to him. He’d seen his hands, and even if Casey didn’t say it out loud, the offer spoke loudly enough. Then again, Mikey tried to think of the last time he’d spent any time with Casey, and he couldn’t quite remember. It might’ve been the movie night they’d had where they all slept in the living room at Donnie’s request, and even then, he’d spoken more to Raph and Leo.

“Okay, sure.” Mikey conceded, setting the towel on the counter. “We’ll go to Hueso’s; I’m sure he’ll want an update on how everyone is doing, even if he won’t ask.”

“Can I join?”

Both boys spun to see Leo leaning in the doorway. He was smiling, but Mikey felt his own smile start to fall as he actually looked at him. His eyes… the look there was distant. His body looked slightly hunched, as if he were trying to curl into himself. There was a sunkenness to his face that he didn’t like, either.

Casey Jr suddenly looked a little awkward, scuffing his boots against the floor a bit. Oh, was Casey involved in the argument earlier? Mikey wondered, observing the air between them. But, not wanting to make things tense, he pulled his smile back up and said, “Of course! You’re Hueso’s favorite anyway; he’ll be happy to see you.”

“I am not his favorite.” Leo laughed, tightening the ties on his mask. “I’m probably his least favorite, after all the trouble I’ve caused him.”

He’s doing it again. Mikey thought bitterly. Putting himself down all the time… he hasn’t done that much in the last year but lately —

“Oh, don’t be silly.” Mikey laughed in return, shaking the thought quickly. “Like you’ve told him before, we pay him so much money for pizza, we’re practically singlehandedly funding his kid’s future. Now, let’s get a move on so we can eat!”

Leo said nothing to that, but followed as the three of them headed for the entrance. They climbed the stairs that led up to a doorway, up another flight of stairs, and out into a dark, abandoned alley. The sun was still up, so they climbed an old fire escape and took the rooftops. The jumps Casey couldn’t quite make, he used the grappling hook still strapped to his forearm, while the other two kept their paces steady. They knew Casey could keep up, but they didn’t want to totally leave him behind. Mikey kept waiting for Leo to start talking but he just… didn’t. It was weird; so weird.

They stepped into Heuso’s place, and Mikey didn’t miss the way Leo hesitated at the wall entrance, or how a shiver went through him when he stepped through. His face didn’t betray much, but Mikey was observant, and he knew what was going through his brother’s mind. Even stranger was the way Leo stayed off to the side, keeping his back toward the wall as he stayed on the outside of everything. Mikey realized then that he was trying to hide the few bandages still wrapped around his shell. It was also around this time, as Hueso spotted them and immediately went to start their usual orders, that Mikey noticed his brother wasn’t wearing his leg brace.

Damn sneaky jerk. Mikey frowned. The boys didn’t have to wait very long, Casey quietly taking in the sights around him, observing everyone as they came and went while Mikey chatted with some of the regulars he knew. Leo stayed mostly to himself, waving and smiling at a few passersby, but clinging to the shadows along the wall. Mikey was currently observing his brother when Hueso’s voice startled him.

“What’s wrong with the blue pepino?” The skeleton yokai was frowning as he set the stack of boxes on the counter for Mikey to take. “Is he still injured?”

Mikey sighed, hefting the boxes up and waving for Casey to come grab some of them. “He’s going to be healing up for quite a while still. But, I didn’t notice until we got here that he isn’t wearing his leg brace like he should be.”

“Is that why he’s standing so far away?” Hueso tilted his head, still staring at Leo. There seemed to be a hint of concern in his face even as he tried for a joke. “Normally I can’t get him to leave me alone.”

“It’s… complicated.” Mikey didn’t know what else to say. What had happened to them was easily explained, but rarely understood. In his heart of hearts, he thought they’d all be back to normal by now, but looking at them, he realized how naive that hope had been.

Leo finally looked back over at them and pulled up a smile, his hand lifting in a casual and friendly wave. Hueso returned it, but his own smile didn’t quite reach his eyes, worry still evident there. Leo either didn’t notice or he just pretended not to, and Mikey quickly set their payment on the counter. He almost dropped it, but thankfully the shake in his fingers had steadied a bit. “Thank you, Señor. I’m sure we’ll be back sometime this week.”

“Take care of yourselves.” Hueso said, watching them go. Casey took his stack and as they met up with Leo, he took some as well. Just before leaving, Mikey looked over his shoulder, seeing if the skeleton was still watching them. He was, and he gave the orange turtle a knowing look, to which Mikey nodded. He hoped it was enough to convey what he needed it to.

He’s not doing too well. None of us are, but don’t say anything; not yet.

With that, they went home.

Dinner had been quiet. Or, it would’ve been much more so if Splinter hadn’t turned on a movie for them all to watch while they ate. Still, the interaction with the film and each other was minimal to non-existent. It was so weird, especially when they had all been talking and laughing and sleeping in the living room together not even a full week ago. Mikey guessed it was unrealistic to think one good day meant all the others would be good too, but it was still frustrating.

Raph and Leo wouldn’t look at one another, Donnie silently sat with his shoulder leaning into Mikey’s, and Casey sat on the floor on the other side of Splinter’s chair. April had just messaged them all saying she was going to come over for an hour or two to decompress from her college stress, and it had taken all of Mikey’s self control not to ask her to hurry. He could hardly stand the quiet between them.

Maybe their sister could break them all out of this funk.

They were almost halfway through their movie when the telltale steps of April’s arrival made Mikey stand up and rush for the entrance. Behind him, he heard everyone else shift their seats to make room for her. He saw her with her hood up, shaking water droplets from her hair and jacket, but it didn’t stop him. He launched himself at her, wrapping her in a tight hug that made her laugh as she returned it.

“Hey Mike! Good to see you.” She rubbed the back of his shell.

He wasn’t sure why, but that alone made the tears start to well up and then fall. She noticed right away, tightening her hold on him and tucking his head into her shoulder. “Hey… hey little man, it’s okay. Are you alright? Where is everyone?”

Mikey wanted to tell her, wanted to speak, but he just couldn’t. Right now, he was too busy fighting off the tidal wave of emotions as they fought to break free from behind the prison he’d locked them in. He knew, he just knew, if he let the dam burst, he’d fall apart for good. He couldn’t do that, not yet.

April just stood there hugging him for what felt like forever, but must’ve only been a minute or two before the sound of more footsteps made Mikey release her. He quickly wiped the tears from his eyes, pulled his shoulders back, and tried to make himself look as casual as possible. “Sorry… today has just been weird.”

“Why?” She tipped her head, hands still slightly outstretched as if she wanted to pull him back into a hug.

“They aren’t talking to one another again.”

“Oh.” April looked crestfallen. “Where are they right now?”

“In the living room.” Mikey gestured toward the room he’d just come from. As April tried to walk past him, he gently snagged her jacket sleeve, stopping her. “Don’t tell them I told you. If they ask, we were just getting more drinks; I’ll grab them now.”

Something Mikey couldn’t name crossed her face. That was a rarity for him; he was the best at reading faces and body language. But the look had come and gone too fast, and she gave his hand a squeeze. “I won’t. But, we should talk later.”

He wanted so badly to protest, to say the offer wasn’t necessary, but he couldn’t find it in himself to refuse. He didn’t nod, didn’t say a word, but he did let go of her jacket and watched her head into the living room. She announced her arrival loudly and brightly, and was met with welcomes and offers for her to grab some pizza. Mikey went to grab some more sodas and bottled teas, wrangling his emotions back into the box he’d made for them inside of him.

Dinner went over much smoother after that, though Mikey could sense almost all of them were putting on the act of being okay. April seemed to know that, if the looks she kept sneaking at Mikey were any indication, but she didn’t say anything. Splinter got up to go to his room after about an hour, and April suggested some video games, which the brothers agreed to.

As they were hooking everything up, April came to sit next to Mikey and kept her voice in a quiet whisper. “You’re absolutely right, they’re all acting super weird today. Anything happen?”

Mikey kept his voice low, too. “I know Raph and Leo had a fight earlier this afternoon, but I think either Raph stepped back on it or Casey stopped it. Either way, that’s why they’re not talking much right now.”

She nodded slowly. “I can see that. What about Donnie? He looks like… well, like shit.”

Mikey smothered his laugh with a soft cough into his arm. “Yeah, well, he doesn’t leave his lab much lately. He put little chips on the insides of our shells; I don’t know what they do, but I know all of us are letting him believe he was sneaky enough for us not to notice. Other than that… honestly, I don’t know what he’s been doing in there.”

“Want me to check in with him a bit more often? Maybe I can help.”

He offered a slight shrug. “I wouldn’t mind the help, but I know you’re busy with college stuff right now. Donnie would hate it if your grades started to drop because of him.”

“True.” She whispered thoughtfully. Then, her gaze landed on him and stayed there. “What about you, little man? How are you holding up?”

Not good. Not great. I’m drowning, drowning, drowning —

He flashed her a smile and leaned into her. “I’m doing okay.”

“Are you sure?” She sounded very much like she didn’t believe him. “Michelangelo, you can talk, too; it’s okay if you’re not okay right now.” Then, she turned her body more toward him and pulled him into a better hug from their spots on the beanbags. “I’m here for you, too.”

Then, as if a cord had snapped, a vast emptiness opened up inside of him, which made him blink in confusion as he loosely put his arms around her, too. It was… such an opposite reaction from earlier, when he’d felt like he was ripping apart at the seams. Now… now there was nothing. It felt like the weighted, heavy void that seemed to linger over him after his nightmares, but now it was fully around him, tucking him in and holding him close. Why couldn’t he… feel anything?

Donnie and Raph had finished setting up the games now, and April let go of Mikey but kept a hand on his back as Leo and Donnie called dibs on first play for their fighting game. Mikey watched them as they played, contemplating the numbness that was now filling him from the inside. He felt dazed, disconnected, and yet, okay.

He felt okay.

Maybe this isn’t such a bad feeling. He decided, taking Leo’s controller when he lost to Donnie before then going on to face off with Raph. It ended up being Raph versus April, which she won almost too easily. Things were starting to feel more light as they passed controllers around tournament style, and Mikey let it all happen, settling into the ebb and flow of the moment, the numbness letting his mind stop thinking and just be.

Their father kept insisting if they stuck together, they’d be okay. His brothers were healing, at least physically, and maybe he should just be grateful for that right now. Maybe all Mikey needed to do was be patient – which wasn’t his strong suit to begin with – and let that void inside hold him for a while. April and Casey seemed to be doing okay, and so did their pops, so Mikey wondered if he was making things bigger than they needed to be after all.

Really, he just didn’t want to lose them again. In the end, he needed his brothers the way he knew they needed him, too. He just had to stay strong for all of them and support them in the only way he knew how; hugs and food and being there to listen when they needed to talk. He’d be their wall, their rock, if it kept them together.

He’d do absolutely anything.

Anything at all.

Chapter Text

Leonardo hated feeling seen. Sure he spent a lot of his time making sure he was physically seen doing all kinds of ridiculous stuff, one of his favorite things being the ability to make people laugh. This, however, was different. The way Case had dug down into Leo’s psyche, grabbed his deepest feelings, and yanked them to the surface by their roots had shaken him. He wished the kid had been wrong about him, but they both knew he wasn’t. Even Leo had never been able to verbalize why he always went to Raph when he was irritated. For Casey to just… say what he did, in front of his big brother, made sense. It made too much sense. The feeling of pieces snapping sharply into place inside of him had made him… afraid. Angry. He was scared of himself, too, because when Case had refused to back down, Leo had really wanted to punch him.

What is wrong with me?

Of course, he’d been too heated and embarrassed to even remember ending up back in his room, but that’s where he was now, curled into the furthest corner of his subway car and trying to level his angry breathing. Frustrated, he smacked his fist against the floor a few times, tears welling up in his eyes. It would’ve been easier to say what he was feeling, but he honestly didn’t know how. He wasn’t sure why, either. He knew his brothers would understand and comfort him and be there if he wanted them to be. Hell, Donnie’s surprise sleepover and everyone showing up for it in the living room had been proof of that.

Yet he still couldn’t do it. He’d tried to talk to Donnie and the pain on his brother’s face had been enough to make him never want to speak about things ever again. He didn’t want them to hurt the way he did; he wanted them to be okay and normal and happy.

You know they aren’t happy. Why do you keep pretending to be fine when the others aren’t either?

Leo squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face into his knees as he pulled himself into an even tighter ball. He wanted to go into his shell as much as possible, but at the same time, a searing energy was making his legs feel like he could run or swim for miles. He could just go and go and go until he collapsed.

Maybe… maybe that'll help.

When he realized his breathing wasn’t going to even out the way he wanted, he stood up and grabbed his katanas. It was easy to reach his power from the well within him, but he hesitated as the blades began to glow. He thought of his crash into the garage a couple nights ago, of the nightmares he’d had of teleporting back into the Prison Dimension, even though he knew that wasn’t possible. Or… Donnie had assured him it wasn’t. Leo himself couldn’t shake the fear of it happening anyway.

Leo steadied his hands with a forceful shake of his head and lifted one blade to cut the air. A blue portal opened at his request and he stepped through. His feet touched rough sand and pebbles, the blue light of the portal shrinking behind him. The sun was still high, but he knew this secluded beach well enough to know people hardly ever appeared here. He spent many nights portaling himself here, especially after the fight with Shredder, just to think. But he also came here to swim, and it was in this way that Leo liked to get everything out of him.

He stuck his swords into the sand and took off his mask, belt, gauntlets, and leg brace. He hadn’t been here in a long time, and now he wondered why he hadn’t just come here sooner. Then again… he’d been too busy fighting off sleep and then being unable to sleep when he wanted to. Now, as he looked out at the water, a piece of himself was urgent to dive in. He absently adjusted the bandages around his plastron and shell, knowing he’d most likely have to reapply them when he was done anyway. It doesn’t hurt. He thought. And even if it does, ignore it. Pain is in the mind… only in the mind.

Then, he took off across the sand, into the waves, and dove under. The salty water washed over him, the shallows warm and inviting. As he dove deeper, swum further, the water became colder and he let his instincts take over. He ignored the sting on his shell as the water soaked through the bandages until it faded into white noise, blending with the buzz of his mind. His body cut through the ebb and flow of the currents, and he only came up for air after swimming hard for nearly fifteen minutes. He could hold his breath second longest after Donnie, something he’d always been proud of.

When they were younger, they used to have contests in their large bathtub, splashing water all over the floor. Raph was technically capable of being the second best at holding their breath, but he always caved under the pressure of being underwater for that long, so it always ended up being between Leo and his twin. Mikey, on the other hand, was not a huge fan of water other than showers or short, hot baths, so he’d always been the one to time them. When was the last time we did anything that pointless and fun? Leo wondered as he swam upward, toward the light.

(OG Art Post Here)

Leo broke the surface of the water, taking deep breaths. He could’ve stayed under nearly triple that time if he hadn’t pushed himself so hard, but he needed this excess energy out of his body. After a minute of catching his breath, he dove back under and began to swim back toward the shore, taking it easy this time. He made it back to the beach within twenty minutes, and by the time he pulled himself out of the water and onto the sand, his mind was clearer. With that clarity came the sting of guilt.

“I gotta apologize to Raph.” Leo sighed, rubbing a hand down his face as he grabbed his stuff. He was still dripping water when he portaled back to his room, so he grabbed a towel from a hook on the wall and began to dry himself. He had already redressed and was snapping his leg brace back on when a soft knock came from the door.

“Nardo, I bring sustenance.” Donnie’s voice came through the door in muffled haughtiness.

Leo grinned to himself as he went to the door and slid it open. Donnie was standing there with a plate of warm mac and cheese and three of his favorite sandwiches. His stomach growled instantly, which made the corner of Don’s mouth quirk up. “Mikey and Raph made lunch a little bit ago but… I think Mikey was hoping you’d come out of your room to eat with us.”

A pang of hurt went through him at the sight of the plate. He took it gently from his brother’s hands and turned back into his room. Somehow Don knew that Leo was inviting him in without having to say a single word. Twinpathy. He smirked.

Before Leo could say anything, Donnie’s eyes narrowed. “Leo… did you go swimming?”

Leo felt his eyes widening. “Wow… how did you know?”

“Your bandages are a soggy mess.” Don rolled his eyes and pointed to the now wet and torn strips still clinging to Leo’s body. “Now I’m going to have to disinfect everything again and find some dry bandages and then —”

Leo chuckled, biting his first sandwich in half. “Yo sho shweed, Bon.”

Donnie crossed his arms, glaring now. “Don’t talk with your mouth full, you heathen!”

Leo swallowed the bite and smiled up at his irritated brother. “I said, ‘you’re so sweet, Don’.”

“Don’t change the – you can’t just – don’t compliment me to get your way! I can be nice! But that’s beside the point, dum-dum!” Don stomped his foot, which only made Leo chuckle again. It was at this moment that his twin froze up and watched as Leo took a huge bite of mac and cheese.

He stared for so long that Leo started to feel uncomfortable. “What?”

“You… went swimming.”

Leo slowly swallowed the bite he still had in his mouth. Damn, I was hoping he wouldn’t catch on. Stupid Twinpathy. Out loud, he tried to sound nonchalant. “So?”

“What do you mean ‘so’? I know what swimming is for you.” Donnie uncrossed his arms and dropped onto the edge of the bed beside Leo. For a while, neither of them spoke, Leo eating his food and Donnie fidgeting with something on his wrist tech.

Ugh, fine. Leo set the now empty plate aside and said, “Raph and I got into a fight.”

“Shocked!” Donnie’s words said ‘sarcasm’ but his face and tone said otherwise. “Mikey thought that was what happened. Why did you guys fight this time?”

“Don’t make it sound like we always fight.” Leo pouted, kicking his feet as he leaned back a bit. “Besides… it’s stupid.”

“Of course it’s stupid.”

“Donald, I swear, I’ll kick you out of my room right this instant if you’re going to be rude.”

“Yeah, I’d like to see you try.” He held up a finger and continued before Leo could argue further. “Anyway, before we can progress into ‘fight Donatello instead’ mode, I think you should know that Raph went back to the training room if you want to go see him. I’ll be back in ten to fifteen minutes to replace your bandages though.”

“Okay.” Leo huffed, pretending to be annoyed. Then, Donnie’s hand landed on the top of Leo’s head. He didn’t say anything, just gave his scalp a quick rub before standing. Then, with a strangely understanding look over his shoulder, Donnie left the room, taking Leo’s now empty plate with him.

Leo sat for a little while longer, letting his thoughts finish settling. He looked down at the ruined bandage strips and slowly began to peel them off. A slight ache in the back of his shell made him wince as he pulled the strips off, but he kept going. It only took him about two minutes to take everything off, and then he pushed himself to his feet, leaving his leg brace on. The chill of the ocean water had felt amazing, but it had also made the ache in his calf flare up. His skin had already started to scar where the Kraang armor had cut him, leaving pinkish-green lines under his leg armor.

Don’t think about it. He told himself as he made his way out of his room and up the stairs to go to the training space. If you think about it too much, you know what’ll happen.

He ducked through the shadows of the living room area in case anyone else was around, and made it through the narrow tunnel leading to the training room. Leo was preparing his apology in his head, muttering slightly to himself as he did. He wanted it to be sincere, even though every part of him screamed to make light of it and to throw in a joke or two. The guilt in his gut told him that wouldn’t be smart, so he continued to turn the words over in his mind.

The sound of talking and the thud of fists hitting the sandbag reached his ears before he turned the corner to see into the room. He wasn’t sure why, but he ducked back into the shadows, wanting to see who Raph was talking to, or if he was just arguing with himself again. As the room came into view, he felt his steps grind to a silent halt.

Raph was there at the punching bag with Case, instructing him through different movements and jabs. Leo watched for a moment, his breathing becoming silent as he let himself blend into the darkness along the wall. Raphael was… smiling. So was Casey Jr, for that matter, and the two of them seemed to be in sync as they practiced.

Leo wasn’t sure why, but seeing them like this made a harsh sting pierce his heart. Raph looked like he was having fun, and that was something Leo was sure his brother hadn’t had in a long time. Suddenly, he couldn’t bear to interrupt the two of them, and he found his steps retreating back the way he’d come. He could always apologize to Raph later. He could always try again when his stomach wasn’t in knots and his heart didn’t feel like it was being squeezed with envy.

I still haven’t learned a thing… not a damn thing. He berated himself as he slunk back toward his room, knowing Donnie would be back soon to rebandage him. Why is it so hard to do this… to make things right?

He made it back to his room and sank down onto the beanbag near his comic collection. His shell was starting to ache a little more and he hoped his brother brought some pain meds with him. Leo really wanted to go for another swim, but he was starting to feel tired and his bad leg hadn’t seemed to enjoy how much he’d pushed it, so he decided to just sit still.

Donnie showed up nearly five minutes later, hands full of medical supplies. Leo found himself wondering why he hadn’t just used his spider-shell to hold everything for him when he realized Don wasn’t wearing one of his tech shells at all. In fact, thinking back on it, he hadn’t worn one in a while.

“Okay, Nardo, I bring with me supplies.” He declared, setting the stuff onto Leo’s bedside table. He patted the edge of the bed without looking at him, his other hand busy setting up materials. “Come over here please.”

“You can just put the stuff there and I’ll –”

“Hush.” Donnie interrupts, patting the bed a little more forcefully and looking at him this time. “Get over here. I know you can’t reach the back of your shell, and even if you could, you can’t see the back of your shell. So don’t even try that with me.”

Leonardo groaned and got up to move over to the bed. He plopped down unceremoniously and ignored the ache in his leg. “Fine. But just know, this is why I said you can replace me as the medic, even after I’m healed up.”

Donnie was quiet for a moment as he put on some medical gloves and adjusted his grip on the container in his hands. Leo had asked Don to figure out how to make those gloves when they were about thirteen and Leo had learned that they were all less likely to get infections if they not only washed their hands, but wore sterilized gloves. Now, they had their very own boxes of three-fingered gloves, and it had made everything a hell of a lot easier for all of them. Leo flashed a smile at his brother when he motioned for Leo to turn sideways to give him access to his shell. As Donnie opened the container of salve, he said, “I’m not replacing you for anything.”

“But you’re so good at this.” Leo joked, smiling to himself even as the medicinal cream stung a bit as it seeped into the crack on his shell. “You’d be a fantastic doctor.”

“I said I’m not replacing you.” Donnie hissed, pressing a little harder than necessary as he placed the last of the salve against the crack.

“Ow, ow, hey, I’m just joking buddy.” Leo winced, laughing.

“It isn’t funny.” Donnie grumbled, lightening his touch as he started on the bandages. He would hand the roll around Leo’s side so Leo could bring it around his front and then hand it back to Donnie. The purple turtle’s voice got softer. “It just isn’t funny.”

Leo twisted a bit and saw that Donnie looked genuinely hurt, his eyes focused on his hands as they wrapped around and around the injuries. Shit, I didn’t mean to upset him. Why am I so bad at this? “Don… I didn’t mean it like that.”

“It’s fine.” Donnie said quickly, fixing the look on his face as he continued his work.

“No it isn’t.” Leo replied, turning fully so he was facing his brother now instead of away. “I honestly didn’t mean to upset you. I’m used to being able to take care of myself, and aside from dad, I’m the only one who really ever had or wanted to learn. And now, because of me, you had to take on another thing and… I guess I can see, now that I’ve said that out loud, why even joking about it isn’t the best thing in the world.”

“Aughhh, Leo.” Donnie shut his eyes and pinched the space between his eyes. He looked so much like Raph that for a moment, Leo was tempted to make a joke about a Donnie-Chasm, but he tamped it down. His brother continued. “It’s not that. It isn’t that it was a burden to take on another role, or learn something new, or anything like that. It’s that… it’s… how do I explain this?”

Leo kept his beak shut while Donnie collected his thoughts, hands tightening the bandages until they were secure. Once he deemed his work done — and Leo could feel and see just how adept his brother had already become at this — Donnie leaned against the edge of the bed, arms crossed as his gaze wandered outward. Finally, Donnie whispered, “It’s how you view yourself.”

“What?” Leo asked, both in disbelief but also to be sure he’d heard correctly.

“It’s how you view yourself.” Donnie said louder, firmer. He looked like he wanted to say more but shook his head. “Look just… I’m not replacing you. No one can replace you, for anything, okay?”

Of course you’d think so. All of you would say that because you’re family. Leo felt himself wanting to either shut down or lash out. He wanted to try and explain why he felt so… inadequate but he didn’t know how. I am replaceable in every form of the word when it comes to being a team.

But, he didn’t say any of that. Instead, Leonardo smiled softly, reaching out to tap his fist lightly against Don’s side. “Okay.”

Don swatted him away with a fake grimace. Leo only huffed a laugh as Donnie gathered up the medical supplies once more. “Good. Now, rest a bit until dinner. There are pain meds on the table there, please take them with water and not dry, you psycho. Oh, and no more swimming without making your stuff waterproof, and not too often.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, to avoid infection.” Leo waved a hand between them. “You’re being such a mother hen.”

“Am not. Also, you ‘knowing’ it and you actually ‘doing’ it are not one and the same, dummy. Promise me.”

“Okay.”

“A real promise.” Donnie insisted, stubbornly standing there with his hands full of supplies.

Leonardo put on his most genuine smile and nodded, even as his insides twisted. “I promise, Dee, I’ll be more careful if I go again.”

Donnie nodded back after a while, satisfied with Leo’s answer. Just before his brother went out the door though, Leo called after him. “Hey, Don, why haven’t you been wearing your spider shell? Or your hover shell? I know you love to use those around the house and your hands look pretty full.”

His brother looked back at him over his shoulder, and there was shock on his face, as well as disbelief. Then, slowly, the look disappeared. “They need some repairs and remodeling is all.”

“Oh… okay. Just curious.” Leo tilted his head, trying to remember if something had happened to the shells, but he couldn’t recall.

He was so lost in thought that he missed the way Donnie looked at him, and he missed the way Donnie’s shoulders went up as he walked out of the room and toward his own.

“Healing is going to take time for both of you.” Splinter explained, looking between Raph and Leo as they sat in the med bay for him to look over. Leo had started to feel fidgety the last five minutes, and he wanted nothing more than to get up and walk around. Splinter seemed to sense this as he set a hand on Leo’s slightly bouncing knee.

Raph spoke up first. “How long?”

Splinter thought it over for a moment, or it looked that way to Leo. Not that it mattered much; after seeing the notes and the report Donnie and their dad had written up, Leo already had a guess on their healing time. “Roughly four to six months, right dad?”

Splinter nodded slowly. “Just about. Though it may be longer for you, Raphael.” He set one spindly hand on Raph’s knee. “I am sorry, my son, but the damage to your shell is a bit more extensive. You will need to be very careful for a while, just so everything can heal up and put you back to full strength. We will also need to keep watch on the state of your eye.”

Leo tried not to, but he winced at the words. It’s all my fault.

Raph and Splinter must’ve noticed, because suddenly, they each had a hand on him; Raph’s large one covering his shoulder, and Splinter’s small one on his leg. Their dad looked up at Leo with sadness and understanding. “Do not blame yourself, my son. You both did what you had to for not only the mission, but each other.”

“But…” Leo looked down at his hands, his fingers digging into his legs. “Everyone got hurt because of me.”

“Not true.” Raph gave Leo a light shake where his hand rested on his shoulder. Leo slowly looked up, choking back the lump that was forming in his throat. His older brother looked so… strong and mature. He was smiling at Leo with such fierce love and admiration that Leo wanted to cry just from that. “Leo, you are not to blame. We all made mistakes, but we’re all working to learn from them. Right dad?”

“Indeed.” Splinter gave Leo’s leg a squeeze. “Do not drown in such mistakes, Leonardo. You made many tough calls and we are just grateful that you are still with us.” Their father blinked tears out of his eyes. “Now, take care of yourselves, and make sure to check in for bandage changes, medicine, and some physical therapy. Blue, we will still need your input from time to time.”

“Okay.” Leo managed, trying to unclench his fingers from his legs. Slowly, his grip loosened. “Every twenty-four to forty eight hours, right?”

“Yes.”

“Hear that, Raph?” Leo prodded, elbowing his brother lightly. “Don’t go getting stubborn on me now.”

Raphael laughed, putting Leo into a careful headlock. “I could say the same for you.”

Leo couldn’t take one more second in his room, and besides, he was starting to get hungry. He limped out of his room, his leg sore from sitting and reading his comics for too long. Stopping before the stairs, he did some stretches to get the blood flowing back to his legs, letting the pins and needles ride themselves out. After a minute, the feeling faded but his brace was still pinching at his muscles. With a grimace, he stared down at it.

Broken. Injured. Useless. Failure.

With a jerk of his fingers, he practically tore the straps off and pulled the brace away from his leg with probably more force than necessary. He stared at it in his hand, the black and blue of it, and let it fall to the ground next to the bottom steps. It was a stain against his skin; a marker for his attempts at redemption and how he somehow still felt like he’d failed at that, too. He hated it… and he didn’t need it.

Carefully, and without looking back, he climbed the stairs. By the time he’d reached the kitchen, he felt much more confident in his stride. Mikey was there, arms half dusted in flour, while Casey talked to him. They had suggested going out to get pizza. My legs could use the stretch. Leo thought to himself.

“Can I join?” He asked, leaning into the doorway and giving one of his trademark grins. He’d always loved his ability to sneak up on people unnoticed, how he watched them all jump when he entered a room intentionally unannounced.

Michelangelo was looking at him funny though; as if he were trying to pry something loose from Leo but he wasn’t sure what. Then, Mikey smiled, and everything felt okay for a moment, waving for them to follow him out. He said Leo coming with would be good, that he was Hueso’s favorite. It made Leo want to laugh; all he’d ever done to the poor bone-man was annoy him. When he joked about it to Mikey, that weird look came and went again before he waved for them to follow him out. Mikey grabbed money from their pizza jar above the fridge and tucked it away into his shell, making sure it was secure before taking the lead again, the smile back on his face.

The three of them went together, climbing up to the rooftops and running across buildings to get to Hueso’s. Casey wouldn’t even look at Leo, while Mikey seemed like he was waiting for one of them to break the silence. Leo didn’t know what to say, which was a thing that was quickly becoming common for him. Really, all he wanted was some fresh air, and he was finally getting it by going on this trip. He could handle a bit of awkwardness if it kept the whirlwind of heavy, dark thoughts at bay.

They arrived at the pizza place, dropping lightly into the alley, and Mikey signaled for the wall to open for them. Leo hated the way his body froze up at the sight of it, and he hated that he could tell his brother had noticed. Hell, he could almost swear he saw Case notice, but he steeled himself and followed them inside.

It was like feeling all the false confidence in his body bleed out of him at once.

Too many eyes turned to him, and he was suddenly very aware of the bandages binding his chest and shell. He was aware of the still-visible cuts and nearly faded bruises, and the way his walk still had a slight limp. He felt like every patron in the place was staring at him, and he found himself shrinking back towards the wall, holding up his best casual smile and laid back attitude, but even that felt fake to him.

Fraud. Fake. Failure.

He noticed the way Mikey was looking at him, but he chose to ignore it. Casey was too busy taking in the sights, his eyes nearly sparkling with awe at all the different yokai walking around and taking deep breaths to absorb all the smells. It would’ve been sweet to watch the kid be amazed if it weren’t for the way Leo’s skin tingled under the weight of gazes on him.

It felt like too long to be standing there waiting, fidgeting, feeling like he might start pacing or yelling or running. He was starting to wish he’d waited outside on the rooftops. Finally, out of his peripherals, Leo saw Señor Hueso came back with a stack of white boxes, taking the money from Mikey. Leo felt the eye-sockets of the skeleton yokai boring into him, so he begrudgingly looked up and gave Hueso a wave and a smile, which the man returned. Something was off in the gesture and Leo looked away before he could think too deeply about it.

Once they’d all been handed some boxes and gone back to the Lair, Leo could hardly stand to fake his walk anymore. His leg ached and nearly felt like it was buzzing, and he wanted nothing more than to lay down or take a hot bath. But, he had to eat first, and Mikey was insistent that they all ate together. He wanted to refuse, but the way his brother was looking at him, at all of them, made him unable to.

Just for now. Leo thought, doing his best to settle into a beanbag without wincing. Mikey handed him a plate with three of his favorite slices of pizza, and Leo thanked him. Just push through for now.

Leo had never been good at following directions. Apparently, he wasn’t good at keeping promises, either.

His chest heaved as he bent over, hands planted on his knees as water slid down his body and dripped onto the sand below. It was nearly three in the morning and he hadn’t been able to sleep. The cold of his room and the quiet of the Lair had pressed into him until he couldn’t handle it anymore and he had portaled himself here. He’d been so desperate to get into the water, he’d forgotten to waterproof the crack on his shell. Still, Leo didn’t mind; the sting on his back kept him just grounded enough to not completely zone out.

He’d been here now for over an hour and a half, swimming until his lungs burned and his body felt numb. Now, he wanted to catch his breath and go home, hoping against hope that the intensity of his swim had tired him enough to let him sleep a bit. Maybe he’d even have a dreamless one this time.

Slowly, he pushed himself upright and began to head back to the spot where he’d left his swords, hoodie, and towel. His legs trembled beneath him, nearly buckling once as he stumbled into a deep patch of sand. Thankfully he caught himself by grasping the handle of his sword, letting his weight fall into it as the sword sank a bit deeper in the sand and pebbles.

“Ow. That’s gonna be extra sore in about an hour.” He grouched, reaching down to rub his bad leg – the one that had buckled – with his other hand. “Ah well, nothing some pain meds can’t fix.”

He steadied himself and dried off before sliding his hoodie back on. Then, he made a portal back to his room and stepped through as quietly as possible. He knew if any of his brothers were awake enough, they’d hear the slight whir of his portal ripping open the space of air in his room, or smell the slight ozone scent that always stung their noses. He waited in silence as the quiet of home settled over him, the sound of ocean waves fading to nothing when the portal closed.

No one came. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt both like a relief and a betrayal. Sleep. Just go to sleep. He chided himself, chucking his damp towel into his dirty clothes pile. Don’t think, just sleep.

Leo carefully set his swords in their place on the wall near above his bed and collapsed into the mattress. He regretted falling face-first, as the pressure pushed on his still bruised ribs, and groaned into his pillow. I’m gonna have to change the bandages or Donnie’s gonna yell at me… ah, I’m too tired right now. I’ll do it later.

As he felt himself starting to drift off, his mind went to Raph. He still hadn’t apologized, even though he’d wanted to, and now all he wanted was to see him. They didn’t even have to talk; he would’ve been fine just finding a spot on Raph’s huge beanbag to fall asleep if it meant he could see him and make sure he was okay. He wanted to hug his brother and tell him he was sorry for failing him, for being the reason his vision was slowly disappearing in his right eye, that it was his fault and that he didn’t know why Raph was being so… so forgiving when he really didn’t deserve it.

He wanted to get up – he really, really did – but he stayed where he was, facedown on his bed with his head slightly tilted to the side. He let a few quiet, frustrated tears slip from his eyes, letting the ache in his shell remind him of all he’d done to deserve this moment. Too tired to move and too empty to try, he could only manage to reach out a hand and set it on the stuffed bear Raph had gifted him for his sixteenth birthday.

I’m sorry, Raph. His eyes closed as sleep began to pull over his head and body, dragging him down, down, down. I’m so sorry.

“Leo… Leo, are you okay?”

He woke groggily, eyes feeling stuck together and drool pooling from his mouth. “Huh? Whas’hapn’?”

April stood over him, one hand on his shoulder while the other was poking him in the forehead. “Dude, it’s almost two in the afternoon, are you feeling okay?”

“What?” Leo rubbed at his eyes, trying to sit up. “Is it really that late?”

“Yes.” She placed the back of a hand against his forehead and frowned. “You look a little pale but you feel normal. Have you been drinking water?”

Leo gently pushed her hand away with a yawn. “Just tired, April. Who sent you in? Mikey?”

“Actually, it was Raph.” She stepped back and plopped her hands on her hips. Her eyes flicked up and down, taking him in. “You look terrible.”

“Gee, you always know what to say.” Leo smiled, before reaching out to playfully push her. She dodged him easily, smiling back.

“Well, Casey and I made breakfast, but you missed that, so it’s gonna have to be lunch for you. What are you hungry for?”

“Any leftover Hawaiian pizza?” He asked, now slowly stretching out his arms and legs.

“No, you ate it all last night.” April chuckled. “But, if you really want to eat pizza again, I can go order you some.”

“No, no, it’s okay.” Leo wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his hoodie, which he’d apparently fallen asleep in, and scowled. “I should probably go clean up first. Whatever you want to make or order I’m cool with.”

“If you say so.” She grinned, tucking her hands into her jacket pockets now. “But don’t complain if it’s something you don’t like.”

He smirked, reaching for his bandana and tucking it into his jacket pocket to put on later. “You would never.”

“You’re right,” She grinned back, tossing a wave over her shoulder as she left the room. “I would never.”

Leo laughed as she left. Then, as his door slid shut once more, he let the pain rush in. His back stung, ached, and his chest was sore. The only thing that made him feel better was that he’d finally slept without any nightmares. “Okay… okay, nice and slow now Leo… steady as we go.”

He slunk out of his room and made his way to the bathroom. Once inside, he shut the door and leaned against the sink. “Damn… maybe I should’ve forced myself to change those bandages last night.”

Slowly, ever so slowly, he lifted his hoodie over his head. By the time he got it off, he was sweating and shaky, every muscle in his body stiff and unforgiving. You pushed yourself too hard, Leonardo. You know better. Taking the bandages off to replace them was even more of a hassle, and he wasn’t sure how long he spent peeling the fabric off himself, but it felt like an eternity. He was so worn out by the time he got them all off that he decided to wait to replace them until after he ate. He managed to get his hoodie back on and leaned heavily into the counter to get some weight off his leg.

He was barely getting to brushing his teeth and splashing cool water on his face when a knock on the door made him jump. The muffled, concerned voice of Raph came through the wood. “Hey bro, you’ve been in there a while now. You okay? Uhhh… April said you looked a little off.”

That traitor. “I’m fine Raph, thank you though.” He called back, wiping his face on a hand towel.

“Are you… are you sure?”

“Yeah. I’m finishing up right now, just feeling a little sore today.” He looked at himself in the mirror, tying his bandana back over his eyes and face. April was right, he was looking a little pale, but nothing he couldn’t fix with some food and water. He was probably dehydrated. He tried to fix his expression so it was more positive, and when it felt convincing enough, he opened the door.

Raph stood there, a mix of concern and uncertainty on his face. After a moment of seemingly thinking of what to say, he settled for, “Are you hungry?”

“Starving, big brother.” Leo smiled.

“Okay, well, April is back with food now, so let’s go get some grub.” Raph’s smile was tight, and it made Leo wonder if his smile looked just as forced. If it did, neither of them said anything about it.

As they were leaving the area to head to the living room, however, Leo realized he wouldn’t be able to make it up the stairs without difficulty. His leg was tingling, burning, and he was putting in far too much effort to look like he was walking normally. As they reached the stairs, Raph noticed Leo’s hesitation and stopped.

“Looking for that?” He motioned to the side of the stairs.

Leo’s eyes landed on his discarded brace from the night before. Ah, hell. “Uhh… well, you see… it was itchy and… I kinda forgot to –”

Without another word, Raph reached around Leo and scooped up most of his weight, nearly carrying him up the steps. Just before they reached the landing, Raph set him down, careful to avoid bumping the areas where Leo's shell was still injured. Leo couldn’t think of anything to say around the lump forming in his throat. He couldn’t even look at Raph.

“Hey Leo… it’s okay, you know?”

Leo’s hand was still resting on Raph’s forearm, and he felt his fingers grab hold just a little tighter. He couldn’t speak, so instead he just nodded slowly. He knew what Raph was trying to say.

Raph tugged Leo closer and gave him a firm squeeze. Leo leaned into him, wrapping one arm around his large shell and squeezing back, even though it hurt his back. He’d go through any pain if it meant he wouldn’t lose his family.

“I know, little Leo.” Raph said softly, slowly letting him go. “I know.”

Leo could only nod. He was so tired… he was just so tired. The room felt like it was tilting for a moment. He leaned into Raph some more and mumbled, “I love you, Raphie.”

“What was that?” Raph chuckled, giving Leo’s head a pat.

“Nothin’.” Leo grinned, righting himself and slowly walking into the living room. He smiled over his shoulder at his big brother. The strong one… the real leader. “I’m doing just fine now.”

Chapter Text

April was running through a dark tunnel, her lungs burning and her legs seconds away from giving out. Still, she ran, knowing what would kill her the moment she stopped for air. She couldn’t let that happen; the world needed her. Her brothers needed her.

She could hear the alien screeching as it echoed around her, the absolute fury and hatred from the creature as it gave chase making her go cold. Goosebumps traveled down her arms and legs, a chill racing through her spine. Faster, c’mon April, faster! She pushed herself to move, having lost the bike a way back.

Suddenly, she tripped over a raised rail-tie, falling hard. She rolled over herself a few times to try and soften the blow. Cuts bloomed along her hands and legs, her clothes tearing in a few places. She tried to catch her breath, air punching in and out of her as she tried to get back on her feet. The ground tipped then, and she fell into darkness, glowing yellow eyes appearing all around her.

As she fell, she heard and saw all of it, all over again. Leo’s voice over her wristwatch, Splinter’s face as she felt her heart drop into her feet. She heard Leo’s desperation and every crack of his shell. She saw and felt the explosion again as she pulled Splinter with her behind the crane machine for cover. Splinter had stumbled out to look up at the spot where his son had been, smoke and fire filling the air, and she’d watched as he’d fallen to his knees and curled into himself. She’d joined him, ears ringing, and set a hand on his shoulders. He’d been shaking… sobbing quietly as the sister Kraang behind them laughed. Laughed.

April had wanted to kill her in that moment. Her brother was gone, cut off from their reality to god knows where and to face an enemy who would most likely overpower him, and the alien had the audacity to laugh. She was filled with rage and searing, shattering regret. It had been her fault, right? Her own plan had done this to them, right?

Stop. Don’t think that way, April. She closed her eyes and covered her ears. We don’t have to do this anymore. It wasn’t your fault.

Before she could reel her emotions back in, she hit the ground. With a thud and thankfully minimal pain, April tried to get her bearings. It wasn’t dry ground; in fact, the area was squishy and wet with something warm. Slowly, she looked down.

She was laying in a pool of blood and alien slime, and she scrambled to her feet, whines of hurt and fear leaving her in rapid bursts as her eyes adjusted to the dark. There was… so much blood, the smell of it piercing her nose and turning her stomach. Shapes began to take form in the shadows around her, the yellow eyes ever-glowing and fiercely menacing, the laugh of the sister Kraang beginning to grow louder. April wanted to run, to move, but she felt stuck, her body frozen in horror as she realized what she was looking at.

Her family, all lying on the ground and covered in Kraang infection. Her mom, dad, Mayhem, Splinter, her brothers… all of them, all of them. “No.” The word was more of a breath than anything at first. But it continued to swell in her mouth, growing louder and louder, each time more painful than the last. “No, no, no, no, no, no!”

Her mom and dad were unmoving, but the others… their forms began to swell and stretch, eyes appearing in places they shouldn’t be and gaping mouths with rows of jagged teeth forming on their backs, arms, and faces. Mikey’s head was at an awkward angle as he looked at her. He was missing both his hands, blood dripping from the stumps, and his plastron was cracked, the Kraang slime filling the gaps and spreading from the spaces. “Your fault.”

“No.” April whimpered, hands shaking.

Raph, his eye sourcing the infection and his mouth fully changed, only made garbling, angry noises at her. His hands, now fully encased in slime, sharpened into blades as he slowly approached. He looked how she remembered him from before the rescue; monstrous and nothing at all like the big, soft, protective turtle she knew.

Mayhem was similar in how his body was nearly fully covered and taken over, growling and snapping his jaws, which opened too wide and had too many teeth. Splinter’s tail was bent nearly in half and he could hardly stand, the infection having made his body warped and sharp. He no longer had his eyes, but slime and teeth and one large glowing Kraang eye in the center of where his face should be. She wanted to run away, but everywhere she looked, there was someone else.

Leo stepped out of the darkness when she tried to turn another direction, his right arm sporting a gash so deep, it had nearly cut through. His shell was cracked on the front and back, blood running from both sides in small but steady streams. His eyes were yellowed, jaw slightly askew from a broken bone there, and another gash showed up on his leg as he took a step closer. He seemed to be falling further and further apart by the second, more cuts and bruises and broken bits of shell appearing on his body. He was dying right in front of her. “Your fault, April, your plan. You got me killed.”

“Stop.” April was crying now, her whole body now trembling so hard she knew she’d have a hard time staying standing. “Please… I didn’t know. I didn’t think this would happen.”

A hand grabbed her ankle and she jolted, looking down. It was Donnie, and he… god, his shell… it was covered in blood. Kraang tentacles dug into his back and spread through his body, burrowing deeper and deeper. Blood seemed to be seeping from every area of his body. His eyes were pink and yellow, yet still his somehow. His goggles were broken on top of his head and his legs were so cut up that he wasn’t able to stand. “Why, April. Why did you take him from us?”

“I didn’t! I didn’t!” April sobbed. “He came home! You all came home! This is… this is just a nightmare!”

Their voices began to grow and echo around her. “Your fault. Your plan. Pay the toll. Your fault. You killed us.”

“Stop!” She screamed, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut. “Please… please, stop! You’re my family, my brothers… I’d never do this to you!”

Their voices grew to a crescendo, drowning her, ignoring her, killing her. The sister Kraang’s laughter was the final knife in her heart. She curled into a ball and cried. “Please… it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.”

The feel of soft paws pushing on her cheeks woke her up. April had tears streaming down her face, and sobs still racked her body as Mayhem prodded at her, mewing and purring. For a moment, she feared she was still dreaming, her heart racing as she scanned the dark corners of her room. April wiped at her face, slowly sitting up as she tried to catch her breath, allowing Mayhem to crawl into her lap and curl up there.

“Ju-just a bad d-dream, lil’ guy.” She hiccuped, running her fingers through his fur. “I’m okay. It’ll… be okay.”

She was like that for a while, petting Mayhem and taking deep breaths to try and calm down. The injuries she’d sustained in her dreams still felt like they were there, ghosting over her skin and bones. April gently touched each area just to check… just to be sure she wasn’t actually bleeding or hurt. When she was satisfied that everything was okay and that she was actually awake, she slumped back into the headboard. Mayhem snuggled closer to her stomach and she continued to pet him, trying to soothe the shake still working its way out of her body.

April tilted her head to check the time and saw that it was nearly four in the morning. “Ugh… how mad do you think mom will be if I skip class today?” She whispered to Mayhem, rubbing at her eyes. “I don’t think I can manage being around people today.”

Something about the look Mayhem gave her made her laugh. April always understood the little guy somehow, and he seemed to understand her, too. “Yeah, not like she’s been home to know lately anyway. Maybe I should… go check on the boys.”

Mayhem pushed his paws into April, as if trying to tell her no, that she needed more rest. April gently picked him up as she swung her legs off the side of the bed. “Sorry little guy, I… I can’t sleep again after that.” She tucked the small, weird animal into her side, holding him with one arm while her free hand scooped up her cellphone. She pulled up Donnie’s text thread and sent him a message.

A: You awake?

She didn’t have to wait long for a reply. She was barely reaching her bedroom door and opening it when the device vibrated in her hand.

D: Yes, but YOU shouldn’t be. Is everything okay?

Her fingers hesitated as they hovered over the keyboard. They’d had this talk before, about the nightmares and sometimes panic attacks in the middle of the day. But, she had begun to insist nearly a month ago that she was doing better, and she didn’t want to worry them. Especially when she could see that they weren’t fairing well.

A: Don’t try that with me, you technically shouldn’t be awake either! And yeah, just couldn’t sleep. Is it okay if I come over?

D: I can do as I please, dear April. Also you know you’re always welcome.
D: …
D: Are you sure you’re okay?

A: I’m sure. Just one of those nights, ya know?
A: I’ll see you soon.

Mayhem chirped at her, wiggling himself free from April’s grip and landing softly on the floor. At first, she thought he was going to go looking for food, but instead he followed April to the bathroom, where she flicked on the light. The sudden brightness made her squint as she stumbled in and shut the door with a quiet click. She blindly felt for the sink and turned on the faucet, letting the water run for a moment while her eyes adjusted to the light.

Her phone vibrated again, and she read it through one half open eye.

D: Be safe. I’ll have coffee ready.

She smiled and set her phone on the counter; Donnie must be tired to not argue with her. Once she was able to see out of at least one eye fully, she grabbed a washcloth and wet it, using it to wipe at her face. Her other eye adjusted to the light by the time she was done, and she observed herself in the mirror. She’d looked worse, but she’d also looked better. At least her hair was — thankfully — still tucked into her silk bonnet, so she knew doing her hair today would be a little more manageable. She gently removed the bonnet and began her daily hair care routine. Today, however, she decided on just one bun; it was a comfort to her sometimes to wear it this specific way. It reminded her of Karai, and how welcoming and strong she’d been, even in spirit. It made April feel strong. It made April feel like she wasn’t alone.

When she was finished, she brushed her teeth and turned on the flashlight on her cellphone. Flicking off the bathroom light, she used the flashlight to head back to her room to get dressed. Mayhem, who had been sitting outside the bathroom patiently, now followed her back to her room, purring loudly. April quickly changed while the little animal waited by the door of her bedroom, eyes cast through the still partially open door as if looking for threats. Not that it mattered either way; April was home alone once again.

By the time she was dressed and ready to go, it was almost five thirty. The sun was starting its slow ascent outside, casting the city of New York in a grayish-yellow light. She fed Mayhem and gave him a pat on the head. “You stay here and guard the apartment. I’ll be back later, okay?”

He looked up at her with concern but otherwise stayed put when April grabbed her house keys and wallet and headed out. She closed the apartment door behind her, being sure to give it a firm tug toward her so everything was snugly in place. After the amount of times they’d had to fix this door – which her brothers were partially responsible for – it needed to be checked to be sure it closed all the way.

She was downstairs and getting onto the subway in less than ten minutes. Not too soon after that, she was arriving at the stop she knew would take her to the Lair the fastest. She got off the train, took the stairs two at a time, and practically jogged to the alley that would wind her down and around until she reached the door that led down into their abandoned train station home.

The door had a lock pin and she entered the numbers by muscle memory alone, waiting for the soft beep that confirmed the door was open before stepping through. Closing the door firmly behind her, she quickly went down the stairs and through the tunnels. It was a short walk, especially with how fast she was going, and by the time she reached the entrance to the Lair, she was out of breath. Compose yourself, April. Time to be a rock for them.

She’d just been here last night, but it already felt like she’d been gone too long. What she’d seen yesterday had worried her; Donnie was spending too much time in his lab again, Mikey seemed ready to break, and Raph and Leo had been too tense. She knew recovering would be hard but… it almost felt like all of them were getting worse.

Finally, she’d caught her breath enough to seem normal, and she went into the Lair. Everything was relatively quiet except for the soft hum of the fridge and some of the ambient lights to keep the place from being fully dark. She decided to head for Donnie’s lab first, already knowing that’s where he’d be. He must’ve received an alert that someone had entered the area because when she hit the bottom step, he stepped out from around the corner with a cup of coffee, already sweetened, in his hand. His mask was pushed up on top of his head and he had his glasses on, the metal arms tucked into the folds of his mask.

“Thanks, Dee.” She sighed, taking the cup gratefully and cradling it closer to her chest. They were starting to get into the autumn months, so even with her usual favorite jacket, the air was a bit chilly.

“Anytime.” He said tiredly, rubbing at one of his eyes. “C’mon, you can hang out with me in the lab. It’s a little messy right now, but don’t mind it.”

“Okay.” April trailed behind him, taking in the state of Donnie’s room as they passed the partially open curtain leading into it. She hadn’t been down here in nearly two weeks due to her recent visits already having everyone out of their rooms. His bed looked like it hadn’t been touched in days if the still-made blankets and sheets said anything about it. Then, as they entered the lab, she felt her eyes widen.

It was a disaster. Metal sheets and chunks were scattered all over the place, wires and other circuitry laying haphazardly on every surface. Among all of that were empty energy drink cans and crumpled coffee cups and papers. There were also several empty mugs by the coffee machine, all of them used. She glanced down into hers, but it looked and smelled clean, so she figured he must’ve either washed one for her or gone to the kitchen to grab another. She glanced up at Donnie and noted the dark circles under his eyes and the band-aids all over his fingers.

Her steps slowed until she was at a standstill in the middle of the chaos. Donnie didn’t notice at first, already mumbling to himself and shoving things around on the big table in the center of the room. April realized then what all the big metal chunks were. Every single one of Donnie’s battle shells were there in various stages of disassembly.

“Donnie.” April started as normally as she could.

“Hmm?” He hummed, not looking up at her.

“Donnie… what's going on here? Why is your lab such a mess? And why are your shells so, uhhh, taken apart?”

He didn’t say anything for so long that she almost repeated the question. But, he turned his back toward her more and bit out one word. “Upgrades.”

But he’s been using the same ones for years because he’s happy with them. Why would he change them now? Genuinely confused, she tipped her head and sipped at her coffee.“Okay, but why?”

The turtle visibly stiffened, his hands nearly dropping the metal he’d been holding. He was still for long enough that April worried he was full-on dissociating. He didn’t even look like he was breathing. Slowly, she set her coffee mug down on the table and stepped closer, softening her tone. “Don, are you okay?”

He suddenly sucked in a sharp breath, followed by another and another. Oh no… not now, I can’t handle him alone if he goes into a full meltdown. “Hey, hey, Donnie, it’s okay. Deep breaths buddy.” She kept her voice steady and reached out to put her hand on his shell, but stopped just short. “Is it okay if I touch you right now? I just want to rub your back.”

His eyes were wide as he managed a slow nod. April set her hand on his back and she felt him jolt underneath her, even with the permission. She tried not to think about the little grooves still crossing the surface of his shell from where the Kraang ship had merged with him, or how he’d looked in her dream just a mere couple hours before. Leo had said the shell would heal just fine, but that he might have some light scarring, and that was looking to be true, which broke her heart. Then again… the state her brothers were all in was breaking her heart anyway.

“Breathe, Donnie, c’mon.” April murmured, rubbing his back and slowly setting her other hand on his plastron, over his heart. “Breathe with me buddy.” She began to set a gentle, steady rhythm, and after a while, Donnie shakily followed. It took nearly five minutes to get him back to somewhat normal breathing when, suddenly, Donnie sank down into a crouch, pulling April with him. He stared at the ground between his knees and shivered, slowly grabbing April’s hand from his chest and just holding it by his left knee.

“I can’t use them.” He croaked.

“What?” April asked, looking up toward the table. “The shells?”

Donnie nodded. He looked so tired. “I can’t… for two reasons.”

“Which are?”

“One,” He held up a finger with his free hand, the other still grasping hers and his eyes still downcast. “Leo. I… he had two different episodes around my spider-shell and I just… I can’t bear it. I don’t want to do that to him. I need to figure out how I can still use it without it looking too much like… you know.” He took a shaky breath and April squeezed his hand.

She remembered the second time Leo had freaked out over the shell. Mikey had called her in tears about it, and she’d rushed over to find Mikey and Donnie standing outside the med-bay, Raph and Splinter apparently inside. When she’d gone in, she’d seen Raph trying to hold Leo to his chest from behind him, which he was already struggling with, while Splinter tried to calmly talk his son down. Leo had been fighting to run away, his eyes wild and legs and arms pushing against Raph as he whined. April had helped back Splinter up even though she’d been shaken by the sight. When Leo had finally settled down, he fell asleep really quickly. Raph had done the same, finding a spot right next to Leo on a giant beanbag and keeping one hand on his brother’s arm. When she’d asked what had happened, Donnie had taken off his spider-shell and thrown it across the room before stomping to his lab and locking the door behind him. Mikey had explained that Donnie had been using the shell to help hold spare items while he changed some of Leo’s bandages, thinking his brother was asleep. He’d been wrong, and it had triggered Leo into a panic.

Donnie’s voice brought her back to the present. “Two, I can’t wear it anyway.”

“Why?” She asked, voice still gentle.

He paused, seemingly getting up his courage to say what he needed to. Finally, he whispered. “It hurts, lately. I can’t… I can’t wear them.”

“Oh, Don.” April felt her heart breaking again. She glanced at his shell and all its new little scars. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” He frowned, dragging his gaze up to hers. “I need the shells to help fight and protect my brothers. I need the shells because they’re mine and I made them for a reason. But if I no longer have them, I’m vulnerable.” His voice began to get louder, more frantic. “I can’t be vulnerable anymore! Who knows what’s coming next? What if the Kraang come back? What if something stronger comes along?! I can’t be useless to everyone by not having my tech!”

April pulled her hands back as he shot to his feet and began pacing in circles. “Donnie, Donnie, slow down.” She stood up too, watching him go back and forth. “Please, take a breather bud. We’ve talked about this; you’re valuable to the team and to your brothers with and without your tech. You need… honestly, you need some sleep.”

“I can’t sleep!” He shouted, throwing his hands above his head and whirling around to face her. “Every time I lay down to try, I feel it all again! The ship and the way it… merged into my back and my brain, and how it felt to be torn out! How much it hurt! All I can dream about is that day and all I can hear is Leo dying!” His voice cracked and suddenly, tears were streaming down his face, his voice now tight as he angrily sobbed around his words. “Over and o-over again, I hear it, I r-remember it, I relive it. I-I can’t stand it. I can’t sleep, April, not if it m-means I have to go through that a-again. I know h-he’s home, we are home, b-but he isn’t the s-same.” He slapped a hand against his chest. “I’m not the same.”

April found herself beginning to cry, too. She could tell he’d been getting worse but… she didn’t know it was like this. She stepped forward and put her arms out. “Come here, Dee. Let me give you a hug.”

She knew that normally, he’d laugh her off and make up some excuse about how he could handle it, how he was unphased and tough. But, she knew him, and she knew that sometimes all he really needed was a good, strong hug. It was kind of like deep pressure therapy for him, and she had a feeling he really needed it. Honestly, she kinda did, too.

Sure enough, he let her come close before leaning down into her, setting his forehead against her shoulder. As she pulled him further into the hug and slowly tightened her hold, he reciprocated by folding his long arms around her and tucking his face down further into her shoulder. He cried softly and quietly, holding onto her tighter as she patted the top of his shell.

After a couple of minutes, when his breathing had evened and her own anxiety had settled, April broke the silence between them. “Remember how I texted you and said I was okay?”

“Mmm-hmm.” He mumbled, still leaving his face tucked down. “You lied, right?”

“To be fair, you’ve been lying to me too.” She softly rapped her knuckles against the side of his head. “I may not know exactly what’s going through that big brain of yours, or in your body, but I do understand, to some degree. You know I’m here for you, Donnie; always.”

“I know.” He started to pull back, wiping at his eyes, his knuckles pushing his glasses up into his mask. All the tension in his body seemed gone now, which was a relief. “So, what happened?”

“Bad dreams.” April shrugged, taking Donnie’s glasses off his head so she could clean them. She slid a microfiber cleaning cloth from a pocket on the inside of her jacket and wiped at them. “I won’t give you the gross details but… they aren’t much different than yours, I’m guessing.”

Donnie hummed again, thoughtfully, waiting patiently for April to hand him his glasses again. His eyes had started to droop, and so had his shoulders. Before she could suggest he sleep, he said, “Leo’s been swimming again.”

April’s hands paused for a moment as she processed this information. He hasn’t done that in a long time. She then finished wiping the lenses and handed the frames back to Donnie. “Well, that’s… a good thing? Or wait, maybe not, because of his injuries. Should he be swimming?”

“No.” Donnie rubbed at his face again, frustration clear in his tone. “But, I know I can't stop him so… I just told him to at least waterproof his shell injuries. The fact that he’s going at all says enough; he’s struggling.”

“We all are.” April reached for her mug again, a little sad that the coffee wasn’t as hot anymore, and sipped at it. “Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, Donnie. I know… how hard this is. But, you have got to get some sleep. I’ll go get you some melatonin gummies, or sleep meds, or tea, whatever you need, but you can’t keep pushing yourself like this.”

“I know but I… I just… I want to fix this.” He gestured to the mess and his disassembled battle shells. “I need to figure out how I can still be useful without scaring Leo or hurting myself. I also gotta figure out something for Mikey’s hands and Raph’s eye and —”

“Later.” April insisted, now reaching out to grab his arm and grabbing his arm. She dragged him along behind her, and he was too tired to put up much of a fight by the feel of it. “You’re useful just by being around, Dee. You’ve been taking such good care of everyone while Leo tries to get back on his feet. You can work later. For now, at least take a nap; just for a couple of hours.”

“April —”

“Please?”

He huffed in a way that said he was relenting to her plea and allowed her to continue dragging him along. They exited the lab and April gave him a gentle nudge into his room, standing in the doorway as he gave her a weak glare. “You’re as bad as Raph sometimes, you know that?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, even if it wasn’t.” She smirked, gesturing to his bed. “Go on, lay down and go to sleep. I’ll go make breakfast.”

“I’m not even tired.” He grouched, slumping into his bed and pulling his mask the rest of the way off. “I don’t want to sleep.”

“Uh-huh.” April said, already sending a text out to Casey Jr and Mikey to see if they were up yet. “Sure, Don-Don.”

“I’m serious.” He laid down and visibly sunk into the mattress, eyes already slipping closed. “I’m totally, completely not tired. I don’t even want… to… hmm… fall asleep… coffee… uraniummmm… mmm… pancakes.”

April smiled, watching as his breathing immediately deepened. “Aaand he’s out.” She got a text back from Casey Jr saying he was awake and willing to help. “Alright then, Dee, pancakes it is.”

Making breakfast with Casey Jr proved to be pretty fun and relaxing, which was something she’d sorely needed after her eventful morning and fitful sleep. Junior was good at cooking, and he looked happier than she’d seen him in weeks. When she’d asked about his cheerful mood, he’d shyly said that he’d trained with Raphael the day before.

“I never got to train with him when I was a kid.” He’d said quietly, mixing up some eggs in a bowl while April began preheating pans for their pancake batter and eggs. “By the time I was old enough… he wasn’t around anymore.”

April, unfortunately. thought she knew what he meant, so she left it at that, giving the kid a pat on the back as she passed him. She told him how glad she was that he was getting some time to get to know Raph now, and to enjoy his time with them all. Junior had just nodded and moved his bowl next to the pan designated for the eggs and bacon. He began with the bacon slices first, while April moved her bowl to the other side of the stove and began her own work on the pancakes.

Not too soon after that, Mikey joined them and sat on the far end of the counter, chatting away with them both about anything and everything. April was happy to see him looking less worried, but there was something about him that felt off. It was as if the sunlight inside of him was dimmer, even with the big smile on his face. She couldn’t quite pin it down, so she decided to chat with him later, instead. For now, he was here and he was hungry, which was something.

Raph showed up next, sleepy-eyed but otherwise looking a bit better today as well. The training session with Junior must’ve done him some good, too. It made April so happy that she set her spatula down and wrapped him in as good a hug as her small arms could manage around his large frame. It caught him off guard, but he laughed and returned the hug, fully enveloping her and lifting her off her feet. It made Mikey get off the counter and demand he be let into the hug too, which he pulled Case into as well when Raph opened one of his arms. It was a short, silly thing, but it warmed April’s heart all the same.

“Where’s Donnie?” Raph had that sound that said he was trying to be discreet about his worry but was very much failing.

April gave his arm a pat as she went back to flipping their pancakes over until they were a perfect golden brown. “He’s sleeping. I’ll save him some batter and sides so he can have it fresh in a few hours.”

“You got him to sleep?” Mikey chimed in shock.

“Well… more like I forced him to, but he was honestly too tired to fight me by the time I got him out of his lab.” She paused, setting her next set of pancakes onto a plate and handing it to Case to put eggs and bacon onto. “His lab… it’s an utter disaster.”

“Isn’t it always like that?” Mikey asked, waiting for his plate while bouncing on his toes.

“Yes, but not like this.” She poured more batter, making these ones larger for Raph. “It was actually concerning. How long has he been awake for?”

Raph leaned against the counter, looking defeated. “Dammit Don. He told Raph he was getting rest. Uhhh… then if I had to guess, maybe three or four days? He was looking pretty ragged yesterday.”

“Well, he can sleep for four hours minimum to start, then.” April declared with finality, flipping the large pancakes over with ease. “Only wake him up to eat and then we’ll send him back to bed. I’ll check on him more often for the next few days.”

“Don’t forget to take care of yourself too, April.” Raph said gently. “You’ve been here a lot lately. Don’t you have school?”

“That isn’t as important as you guys right now.” She set the pancakes on the plate and handed them off to Casey, who was looking between her and Raph.

“Yes it certainly is! Raph isn’t gonna let his super capable and smart friend flunk out of school for us.”

“Raph, it’s okay, big guy.”

“If I may?” Casey said suddenly, already working on the next set of bacon and eggs for whoever wanted to eat next. He handed the now full plate to Raph and fiddled with the spatula in his hand. After getting a slow nod from April, he continued. “I know where both of you are coming from. Master Donatello used to drill me on learning things even though the end of the world was happening. He said it was good for me. But, we only had so much time and so many resources to learn such things. Maybe… if you’re okay with it, Commander O’Neil, I’d like to learn from you?”

“Just ‘April’ is fine, buddy.” She laughed, bumping him with her hip. He stumbled just slightly, smiling a bit as he rubbed at the back of his neck. He looked so shy but so hopeful, and she realized she wouldn’t be able to say no without feeling guilty. She knew they were close in age, but he just felt so much younger than her; it was similar to the energy she picked up around Mikey. “Okay, okay, you can learn from me. Maybe Donnie can help you too. It would pull him out of his lab once in a while, and I bet he still has copies of my homework from high school.”

His eyes lit up. “Really?! I mean… that would be so awesome. I promise to work hard!”

Raph ruffled his hair as he walked past them both to sit along the counter with Mikey, picking up a fork along the way. “Hear that, April? You better not miss many days after this unless it’s an emergency.”

She waved him away jokingly, laughing. Casey seemed really happy now, a soft smile on his face as he continued cooking next to her. However, after they’d made three more plates, April looked around and realized who wasn’t there. “Where’s Leo?”

“Sleeping.” Mikey said around a mouthful of food. “It’s rare we can get those two to sleep, so I think we should let him be.”

“Yeah but… shouldn’t we change his bandages and stuff?” Raph’s eyes were already looking in the direction of his and Leo’s rooms.

Mikey waved his fork in the air as if it were his own hand. “We can do that when he wakes up. Besides, maybe a nap will make him less grouchy.”

April stared hard at Mikey then. It’s not like him to be so flippant when it comes to his brothers and their well-being. Usually… he’d want to know how he can help, like Raph tends to do.

Raph was staring down at his plate, pushing the eggs around with his fork. “Yeah… I guess. Maybe letting him catch a few zees isn’t a bad thing?”

“Fine. But if he isn’t awake around noon, I’m gonna wake him up myself.” April sniffed, grabbing her own plate and finding a stool to sit at. Casey followed her lead, a thoughtful look on his own face. “He needs to eat, too.”

“Yes ma’am.” Raph smiled at her, giving a mock salute.

They ate breakfast quickly, making some small talk here and there. Mikey and Casey were going to go out later to do some more city cleanup, grab more supplies, and make sure their villain buddies weren’t up to no good. They’d been mighty quiet lately, and even when things had stirred up, they’d been small enough for the family to let slide, especially as they continued to recover. Even Big Mama had been quiet as she tried to put her hotel back together in the chaos following the invasion. It was rare for her to be so quiet for so long, which they all hoped meant it was just taking her a while to get back on her feet, too.

They passed the time with movies and games, and April went to check on Donnie a couple hours later. He was still sleeping, but his breathing wasn’t as deep, which told her he was more in a snooze mode now. She whispered into the darkened room. “Donnie, you hungry?”

He mumbled something completely unintelligible, shifting under the blankets he must’ve pulled over himself in his sleep. April smiled, sneakily pulling out her phone and opening her camera app to take a short video. “Donnie, wakey, wakey. I got pancakes with fresh banana slices just calling your name.”

His head popped up, pushing himself up on his elbows and turning toward April. His eyes were still closed and his forehead was crinkled where his brows would be, definitely giving off a rumpled, still-asleep vibe. He looked so silly, April had to cover her mouth with a hand, smothering her laugh and keeping her recording phone as steady as possible.

“Di'y’say na-nuh pancakes?” He slurred, his head slowly lowering toward one of his hands. He used his knuckles to gently rub the sleep from his eyes.

“Yes, Dee, ‘na-nuh’ pancakes.” April giggled. “I know you should sleep longer but I figured you’d be more upset if I let you sleep too long.”

He groaned, pushing himself up on his forearms until he was kneeling on his bed, the blanket sliding from his back. He visibly shivered, eyes opening just enough to actually look at her. “Coffee?”

“I’ll make you some, don’t worry.”

He nodded, stretching. “Hungry.”

“I know. Let’s go, buddy.”

He suddenly went tense and his eyes flew open. “Leo! What day is it? Is he okay? Where is he?”

April stopped recording fast, sliding her phone back into her pocket and holding up her hands. “Whoa, it’s okay Dee, he’s sleeping. He’s in his room, he’s fine.”

“Raph? What about him? And Mikey?” All the possible rest he’d earned seemed to melt away as his worry mounted into the lines of his body. April suddenly wished she’d just let him sleep.

She came a bit closer, keeping her hands up in a way she hoped was steadying. “Everyone is fine and everyone is home, Dee. C’mon, you just woke up, don’t let a perfectly good nap go to waste buddy.”

Donnie seemed to mull this over before he relaxed, swinging his legs off the side of the bed and slowly standing up. “Sorry m’just… waking up still. Disoriented a bit. M’okay.” He gave her a smile; a weak one, but the first smile she’d seen from him in weeks, so she’d take it.

“Well, I was serious about those pancakes, so go wash up and come eat.” She gave him a bright smile and a wave as she left. “See you in a few.”

The morning came and went. Donnie had fallen asleep almost on top of the remains of his breakfast, and April had caught his head with her hands just before it hit the plate. Raph had carried him back to bed soon after with a fond smile on his face, obviously relieved his little brother was actually getting some sleep. April didn’t mention that the coffee she’d made was decaf; Donnie could yell at her for it later. Mikey and Casey Jr went out to do their patrol shortly after that, so Raph and April hung out and played some video games together.

Before she knew it, it was just past lunch time. She realized she still hadn’t seen Leo and that Raph was growing more and more fidgety, as if he knew it too. She paused their game and stood.

“That knucklehead has been in his room long enough. I’m gonna go check on him.”

Raph turned the controller over and over in his hands. “Want Raph to come with you?”

“Nah, it’s okay big guy, I got it. But, if you’d like to figure out what to have for lunch, that would help!”

“Yeah… yeah maybe that would be best.” He sounded sad, and April realized she maybe should’ve let him follow her. Before she could say anything though, Raph stood up and smiled. “How about you go ask him what he wants to eat and then we can get him that.”

“Sounds great, I’ll be right back.” She sauntered off, going down the steps to Leo’s train car with a lightness she didn’t actually feel. In fact, when she opened the door, she expected to find him reading his comics or playing video games in front of his little flat screen with his favorite pillow in his lap. Instead, she found him passed out on the bed, his hoodie still on and drool coming out the corner of his mouth.

She was tempted to take another video or even just a photo, but right away she could tell something was off. Leo didn’t sleep without his weighted blanket on at least his legs, and he definitely didn’t tend to sleep in his hoodie. He always claimed he got too hot, unlike Donnie or Mikey who loved to snuggle into mounds of comfy things for sleeping.

April cleared her throat and sang, “Leooo, time to wake up!”

No response. Not even the slow grumble of acknowledgment like Donnie had given her. April sniffed as a weird smell stung her nose; sea salt and ozone and something other she couldn’t quite place. A slow, creeping worry began to slither through her veins as she loudly walked up to the side of the bed.

“Leonardo Hamato, you better not be ignoring me or I’ll tickle you right this instant.” She hoped the gentle threat would land, that he’d roll over and beg for mercy, but he was still fully unresponsive. “Hey, Leo, wake up.”

She noticed then that he seemed a little pale. A surge of worry shot through her and she felt her big sister mode switch on. She gently set a hand on his shoulder and, when that didn’t do anything, she began to shake him gently, her other finger beginning to prod at his forehead. “Leonardo, hey.” She shook a little harder. “Leo… Leo, are you okay?”

Finally, he twitched and groaned, looking just as rumpled as Don had earlier but somehow worse and not at all in an amusing way. April didn’t know what it was but she could tell something wasn’t right. He mumbled something that April only half heard and half laughed at because she was still trying to calm herself. She didn’t want to freak out over nothing, especially when she wasn’t sure if he’d been sleeping the last few days.

However, as he woke up, he seemed fine. He felt normal as far as a temperature went, and his classic Leo charm was there immediately. She wanted to be wrong about the uneasy feeling in the pit of her stomach, so she played along, but when she finally left the room, satisfied that he was at least awake, she marched straight to Raph.

She practically jogged to the kitchen and the moment her eyes landed on the snapping turtle, her mouth opened and said, “Something is wrong with Leo.”

Immediately she knew the words came off too strong because he shot to his feet so fast, the stool he’d been sitting in nearly toppled over as he beelined for her, eyes filling with worry. The questions poured out of him. “What happened? Where is he? Does he need big bro Raph? Do I need to wake up Donnie or find Dad? What do we —?”

“Ahhh, Raph, Raphael, my big guy, it’s okay!” April grabbed one of his large hands with both of hers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t word that right. He’s fine, he’s awake and hungry and is going to join us for lunch soon. Uhhhh… it’s more like a feeling.”

He raised a brow, his mask scrunching as he did so. “A feeling?”

“Yeah. Like he looks normal but not.”

His shoulders sagged. “April… I think we’re all in that boat right now.”

“Oh. I mean, I know that, but this is different somehow.” She shook her head to try and slow her brain down so her next words would make sense. “He was really sleeping, like deep sleeping in a way I haven’t seen in a long time. It was hard to wake him up. Also he slept in his hoodie. I could just be paranoid but we should keep an eye on him. If we come in too strong with the questions, he’ll balk and he’ll lie. You know how he is.”

“Oh I do.” Raph muttered tiredly.

“He also didn’t choose a place to eat, which is also pretty weird for him. So, I’m just gonna grab whatever and you stay here and check on him if he’s not out here in twenty, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You won’t freak out on him?” She asked, squeezing his hand.

“No. Raph won’t smother him, swear.”

April smiled and gave him a pat on the arm. “Thank you, Raphie. I’ll be back in a few.”

With that, April left, wondering why the knot in her stomach seemed to be growing tighter. Please. She begged to anyone and anything that may be listening to her plea. They can only take so much. Please let them be okay.

Please.

Chapter Text

Casey could handle loneliness. He’d known its chill, its hollowness, its vast emptiness inside him in the dead of night, his entire life. The only time he didn’t feel lonely was when he kept busy or when he was on a battlefield. He could cook, clean, sew, repair weapons and basic tech, and he could fight. Being a jack of all trades meant he always had something he could do to stay busy.

He never realized just how hard finding peace would be; how hard actual victory would be.

It seemed simple enough in theory. Find the key, stop the Kraang, save the world, and all that stuff. It almost felt silly to him that he would miss that day where they almost lost Raphael and Leonardo. Yet, in the dead of night, while everyone either slept or pretended to, he lay in the dark and stared at the ceiling, missing it.

It was just too quiet; there were no sounds of bombs or cannons or alien ships here. There were no distant screams, no constant beeps and alerts from Donatello’s machines keeping track of everyone and everything in case of an emergency. There was no one crying in the med-bay and no one waking him for his turn to keep watch. There was only the peaceful silence of the Lair; the soft sound of steam and water moving through pipes, the faint and steady hum of electricity, and the occasional honk of a car far above ground. All of these things were normal for this timeline. It just wasn’t normal for Casey.

He sat up with a frustrated sigh from his cushioned hammock that Michelangelo had set up for him. His current room was in an abandoned sandwich cafe of some kind that they had been using for storage before his arrival. It was around the corner from Splinter and Michelangelo’s train cars, close enough to not feel separated but not so close that there was no privacy. Boxes and random household objects like furniture and holiday decorations had been pushed up against the sides of two of the walls to make space for him. Now there was just his hammock, a rug, a beanbag, and an old skateboard that the brothers had gifted him to learn how to ride one.

Not bothering to plug in the small paper lantern lights strung above his head, he set his feet on the ground and began to stretch. Master Leonardo had taught him how to meditate when he felt this way, so after stretching, he sat down on the plush old rug and crossed his legs.

He got in his meditative pose and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. He sorted through one thought at a time and mentally plucked them up and folded them away, letting his mind empty piece by piece. It almost worked… almost.

The silence around him seemed to buzz, somehow, as if the night finally had its own breath, its own life, and Casey had just never had the chance to hear it before. It grew in sound, making all of Casey’s previous calm and concentration begin to crumble.

With a sharp shake of his head, his hands came up and landed firmly on his head. “Augh! It’s too quiet.” He ruffled his own hair as he moved his hands back and forth across his head in frustration. Then, he stood up, smoothing his hair back into a ponytail and grabbing the new shoes Splinter had bought for him. They were far more comfortable to his feet than his worn-to-nothing boots, even with their flat soles. They were easy to slip on and off and were perfect for regular days around the Lair.

He left his room, pushing aside the fabric they’d strung up for him as a type of door, and shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatpants as he walked down the pathway that led to the other’s bedrooms and their living room. He was aiming to go to the training space so he could punch out his frustrations. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he thought of his mom and how she’d been the one to teach him how to hit in the first place.

Casey felt an old sting in his heart at the thought of his mother. She’d always been so loud and wild and full of life. It made the quiet after her death that much more impactful. Maybe it was part of the reason Casey couldn’t stand the peaceful, still air.

He snuck along the edges of the living room, finding his eyes traveling in the direction of Leonardo’s room. His steps faltered as he fought that urge in his chest. Leonardo still hadn’t said anything about their argument the other day, but neither had Casey. It made sense; the blue turtle hadn’t been around the Lair much since then. He knew it had only been a little over a day now but he still worried that maybe he’d somehow gone too far. But, deep down, Casey knew he’d been right, and he would bet his new shoes that Leonardo knew it too.

Taking a deep breath, he turned away and headed for the training room. It was dark, which Casey hoped meant no one was in here. He flicked on the lights, squinting slightly against the brightness of it, and was relieved to see no one else. Everything was where he and Raph had last left it, so he assumed no one else had used this room yesterday.

He left the shoes on this time, approaching the sandbag and tapping a fist against it. It had been really nice to train with Raphael… someone he never thought he’d get to spend time with again. Honestly, that’s how it felt with the others too, but with Raphael it was different. He had been the hulking figure in their hideout, the protector and the support for everyone. He’d been co-leading with Leonardo right up until the day he died… protecting his three brothers.

Casey wished he could forget that day; he’d been only six years old. It crossed his mind nearly every time he looked at Raphael, and he felt that familiar hurt at the memory. He tried to fight it back, but it filled his mind like smoke and fire, choking him.

Leonardo’s portal had suddenly opened into the main living space, the four brothers falling through it in a bloody, bruised pile on the floor, and April, his mom, and Splinter had immediately moved for the brothers. Smoke trailed into the room through the portal, hazing the air as they approached. Leonardo had one arm wrapped around Raphael’s shell, but he wouldn’t get up; he stayed face down next to his big brother, his whole body shaking. Donatello and Michelangelo were immediately on their hands and knees, gently shaking Raphael, both of them calling his name and beginning to cry. A small pool of blood had begun to form under them; under Raphael.

April had moved between them and wordlessly put her fingers on Raphel’s neck. Watching the way her face crumpled, the way she fell to her knees, and how Splinter had staggered as if he’d been punched… Casey wanted to forget. He wanted to forget the way Michelangelo had cried; a wailing, broken sound, holding one of Raphael’s large hands in both of his small ones, pressing his forehead against the knuckles. Donatello had just tucked his head down and leaned into Raphael’s shoulder, hands gripping his shell and shoulder so tightly, Casey could see his knuckles lightening. And Leonardo… he just stayed there on the floor, curling his body against his big brother and not letting a single person see his face as he shook with quiet sobs. Splinter had joined them, his hands gently rubbing Raph’s head and face with such softness that Casey had to look away.

It took nearly thirty full minutes to get them to leave their brother’s side and another thirty to get them corralled into the med-baby for their own wounds.

A few hours later, while Splinter patched up his sons’ wounds, the only thing Leonardo managed to choke out was, “I couldn’t… leave him there.” And then he’d fallen apart all over again, leaning into his dad as he cried.

Casey had left after that, unable to stand the brokenness on Leonardo’s face and voice; it made him too sad. His sensei was the funny one, the strong one, the battle-smart one. To see him lock himself in his room for a week… for him to not speak except when necessary for months… to see him like that had felt wrong. So he’d looked away.

A sharp huff of hurt and frustrated air left him with a burst. Maybe if Casey had stayed, maybe if he had looked, he’d know what to do now, when they were all falling apart but for entirely different reasons than he remembered.

Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and he hit the sandbag harder. The emotions in his chest began to swell, and before he knew it, he was going rounds with the sandbag. His vision blurred and he wanted to scream, and scream, and scream. Each hit to the bag was another agonizing thought.

This isn’t my timeline.

BAP.

This isn’t my home.

BAP.

This isn’t my family.

BAP.

I don’t belong here!

BAM!

He used one of the final moves Raphael had taught him, sending the bag swaying. His hands throbbed, blood pulsing through him from the hits, and he staggered back, lowering into a crouch and letting his head hang. Tears dripped onto the mat beneath him as he tried to get his breathing back under control.

It was harder than he thought it would be. He thought finding peace and not having to fight anymore would be a relief, but now he just felt empty and lost. It’s not like anyone taught him what to do if they ever claimed victory, and it’s not like he was even in his own timeline. Everyone… everyone he knew and loved was gone, taken from him one after another over his lifetime. And sure, he was with the people who he could call family, but it wasn’t them. They aren’t the people he grew up knowing, at least not yet. But, like Leo had said to him in the subways a couple months ago, maybe they never would be those people.

He hated how sad that made him.

With a quick swipe at his eyes, he stood back up and stepped up to the punching bag again. He went slower this time, following the steps he knew as well as weaving in the new things Raphael had taught him. He followed these steps until he couldn’t move anymore, the lack of sleep and intense exercise taking everything out of him. Maybe it was a bad habit to do this; he’d done it often in his own timeline. Maybe it was because he’d seen Master Leonardo do it often, too, especially after they lost another comrade. He’d train and train until he sometimes just laid on the floor and fell asleep where he was.

Casey didn’t mind either way. If it allowed him to get some sleep, he’d take it.

He stumbled tiredly out of the training room, flicking off the lights, and headed for the kitchen. He’d been stupid not to wrap his hands and now they were sore and a little swollen, so he figured snagging an icepack would be a good idea before he went back to bed.

The kitchen was also empty. Casey glanced at the clock; it was four in the morning. Rubbing his hands over each other, he aimed for the freezer and opened it, the cool air ghosting his hot skin and the soft blue light spilling into the room behind him. Grabbing two ice packs from the large stock in the bottom drawer, he closed the freezer door and stepped back as if to head for his room.

His stomach growling stopped him, and he glanced down at his stomach in mock offense. “Okay, let’s see if there are any leftovers from last night.”

The concept of leftovers was still so new to Casey. Growing up, they had to eat whatever they had when they had it, because sometimes food was scarce. The fact that this world could have food leftover to save for later truly baffled him, and he’d had Mikey tell him to slow down on his eating the first few weeks.

“Your food isn’t going anywhere, buddy.” Mikey had smiled, setting a hand on Casey’s wrist and laughing gently. “Slow down. I don’t want you to choke.”

He smiled to himself as he fished some leftover Chinese food from the fridge, deciding on a plastic bag of dumplings and a box of fried rice. Setting his ice packs down, he dumped both into a bowl and set them in the microwave, hoping the beep of the device didn’t wake any of them. While he waited, he put the ice packs over his knuckles, leaning into the counter as he watched the food rotate.

April had brought this for dinner the night before, catching up to Mikey and himself as they were coming back from patrol. She’d seemed worried, but she didn’t voice exactly what over until after it was just he and Raph left at the dinner table. She explained that she was worried about Leo, more than normal, and for them to keep an eye on him. Casey didn’t know exactly what she meant by that; Leonardo hadn’t been quite right ever since they’d won against the Kraang.

Casey popped the microwave door open before it finished its countdown, grabbed a spoon and his ice packs, and headed back to his room. When he made it back, he closed the curtain behind him and plopped down to the rug again. He ate with one hand so the other could rest in his lap with the ice pack set on top of it. He switched hands after a while, letting the chill in his fingers contrast the hot food in his stomach.

When he’d finished, he laid on his back right where he was. He’d slept in worse places and in far more uncomfortable positions. This was like paradise to him. If only I could truly appreciate it. He thought, as his eyes drifted closed. If only I didn’t feel so out of place.

The sparring stick came faster than Casey could keep up with, hooking an ankle and toppling him with a yelp. He fell on his butt, groaning as he rubbed at the sore spot. Donatello and Leonardo were right; training was hard, especially when you were still considered a newbie.

A light snicker filled the air. “Come on, CJ, back on your feet.”

He looked up to see his mom smiling down at him, holding out a hand. He took it, allowing her to pull him up with a strength he always forgot she had. She chuckled and ruffled his hair, which he only half-heartedly tried to stop her from doing. The sparring stick in her other hand was deftly tucked into the waistband of her belt.

“Mom, cut it out, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“CJ, you’re always gonna be a kid to me.” She grinned, now ducking behind him and putting him into a headlock. “Besides, you’re still fighting like a kid! C’mon, Junior, when are you gonna get serious with me or Stripes over there?”

An offended, amused voice joined the air. “I heard that, Baldy.”

Casey, now giggling, glanced over to see Master Leonardo waiting patiently by the training equipment near the door. By the small smile on his face, he must’ve been watching them spar. Casey wasn’t sure how he hadn’t noticed him before; then again, Leonardo was just good like that. He was the greatest ninja of all time, after all.

“So what if you heard?” His mom teased, still holding Casey in a headlock as she turned to face him. “You do have stripes. Also, I’m not the only baldy around here, am I?”

Leonardo merely rolled his eyes and entered the room fully. He approached them, dropping into a crouch so he was more eye level with Casey once he was close enough. “You know, your mom is right. I think you have way more potential than you think, but you’re holding back. Why?”

Casey finally managed to wiggle free of his mom’s grip, now trying to fix his messy hair as he looked at his Sensei. Hands still trying to smooth down his hair, he admitted, “I don’t… want to hurt you guys.”

There was only a beat of silence before Master Leonardo burst into laughter. Casey froze up, shocked over such a response. The laughing didn’t last long, however, as the blue turtle set his hand on Casey’s head. “Kid, you couldn’t hurt us, not in a way we couldn’t handle. Your mom has taken some hits; we all have. You can go all out with us, little guy. We can take it.”

Casey tried not to think about the fact that Leonardo was messing up his hair again, his body sagging as he looked up at them both. “But… I’d rather fight the Kraang than you guys.”

A look passed between his Sensei and mom, one he only partially understood. It was one that said he was too young and too inexperienced. He really didn’t like that look. Leonardo dropped his hand and his mom just tugged Casey back into her side, hugging him tightly. “I know where you’re coming from, kiddo, I really do. But you’re not ready, and we don’t need you out there yet.”

“But —”

“No.” Leonardo’s voice was suddenly serious, a sharpness in his eyes that Casey usually only saw when he was planning a mission or had just come back from one. He seemed to note his tone and did his best to soften it. “Not yet. Keep training, keep learning, keep watching, that’s what we need you to do. I hope you never have to go out there… but if you do, I want to be absolutely sure you’ll be okay.”

He wanted to argue with the tall slider. Casey was twelve, almost thirteen, for heaven’s sake! He could go out there and fight, too. But, as he looked up at his Sensei, he saw it all; the fear, the protectiveness, and the echo of all the deaths they’d already witnessed in the last few years. He saw the strip of red fabric that he’d braided into a bracelet, a mere echo of the full mask that he had braided into the hilt of one of his swords.

With a slow nod, he stood a little taller, determination filling him. “I’ll train harder, Sensei, so I can help with the fight someday. I promise.”

Relief and a soft fondness overcame Leonardo’s face. “That’s the spirit, CJ. Now, how would you like to go a few rounds with me and give your mom a break over here?”

“You implying I’m tired, Stripes?” His mom’s grin turned feral.

“Don’t get too worked up, Baldy, or you’ll pass out from oxygen loss.” Leonardo snarked back, his own wild grin appearing.

His mom lowered into an offensive stance, one hand slinging the sparring stick out of her belt and back into her hands. “How about you fight with me instead? It’s been a while, and I wanna see if you’ve lost your touch.”

Leonardo’s eyes flicked over to his student before he shrugged, still grinning. “Only if little CJ is okay with you taking his spot.”

Casey had clapped his hands, already moving to the edge of the mat to sit down. He loved watching his Sensei fight, but it was a rare thing to see his mom spar with anyone other than Commander O’Neil. He wanted to see this.

“Alright, Old Man,” His mom cackled maniacally, ignoring Leonardo’s offended squawk at the nickname. “Let’s go.”

The sound of glass shattering shocked Casey back awake. He sat up quickly, already on his feet and dashing out of his room toward the main platform. A string of frustrated cursing came from the kitchen area, which he followed quickly. Curse him, he’d forgotten a weapon —

Michelangelo was inspecting one of his hands, bits and pieces of a cup scattered across the floor at his feet. Casey noticed the small thread of blood running down one of his deep-green fingers and immediately approached, snagging the turtle’s attention with the movement. “Michelangelo, you’re bleeding! What happened?”

“Nothing.” He grouched, already trying to step away from the mess and snag a paper towel. “Just have butter fingers.”

“Are you sure? Do you… want me to go get Leo? Or at least a band aid?” Casey offered, aiming for the broom where it was propped up against the fridge. “Also please don’t get any glass in your feet.”

“No big deal, Case.” The turtle said a little more brightly, folding the paper towel and pressing it against the cut. Casey noted the way he was trying to tuck his arms closer to his sides, as if that would hide the tremor in his hands. “I’ll go grab one in a little bit. The cut wasn’t that deep.”

He only hummed in a way that he knew said he didn’t believe him, but said nothing else, sweeping up the glass shards into the dustpan and dumping them in the trash. As he was setting the broom down, however, Michelangelo spoke up. “Do you think… I mean… is it possible that I… what I’m trying to ask is, do you think my hands will recover?”

Casey hated how small Michelangelo’s voice had become towards the end, as if he were ashamed to even ask. It hurt to hear and to see, especially when the turtle had been so confident and strong in the future. He’d been all-powerful, really, so seeing him look so unsure was like another slap of reality to Casey’s psyche. Still, he knew voicing this wouldn’t help, so instead he came closer and held his hands out between them.

Realizing it was an invite, Michelangelo slowly set the backs of his hands in Casey’s palms. They were currently full un-bandaged, faded yellow cracks lining the skin from his fingers to his forearms. Casey was careful with the paper towel wrapped around the cut finger, setting his thumb over it to keep it in place and apply light pressure. He stared at those hands for a moment, thinking back to when his version of the mystic warrior had torn a hole in time and space to send him here. He’d given his life to do so.

“You know,” he started, still inspecting the scars, gently turning his three-fingered hands over. “There’s something that Master Michelangelo always found really fascinating; an ancient Japanese art form. Have you ever heard of Kintsugi?”

“Uhm, I’m not sure?” The turtle’s voice was quiet, if a little wobbly, and Casey gave his uninjured hand a soft squeeze.

“Well, I may be paraphrasing some details, he knew much more about it than me, but it’s where they would take broken pottery pieces and put it back together. But they did so by using a gold or silver dusted lacquer to put those bits back together and get them to stay. The end result was a piece of pottery or tableware that was cracked with gold.” He looked up at Michelangelo then, giving him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. “The purpose of this was to look at something that was once broken, but was made into something beautiful anyway.”

A flash of emotions crossed Michelangelo’s face. “So… what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that it’s okay to be a little broken. Kintsugi was a metaphor and art-form about accepting one's flaws and misfortunes, because everyone has to go through hard times to realize their full potential.” He tapped a finger against the scarring along the turtle’s skin. “You’re going to be okay, Michelangelo, I know it. Your hands will heal and you’ll be back to doing all kinds of cool stuff with them.”

“Call me ‘Mikey’, bud.” He sniffled a bit, pulling his hands back and using a forearm to wipe at his eyes. “Thank you… I think I needed to hear that.”

“Anytime… Mikey?” The word came out slow and unsure, which made Mikey snort with laughter.

“Dude, you’re way too formal with all of us.” He smiled, leaning back against the counter behind him. “Relax, we’re all friends now. No need to treat us like we’re above you!”

Casey rubbed at the back of his neck, a little embarrassed. “Yeah… this whole situation is still a bit weird for me.”

“I bet.” Mikey peeled the paper towel off of his cut and inspected the injury. “What about you? How are you holding up? You… don’t talk much about yourself.”

There he is. Doctor Feelings, the family listener and semi-licensed therapist. Well, in my timeline at least. “I’m doing okay. Everything just feels so… new, even when it’s not.”

“Like us?” He asked, glancing up in an expectant way.

“Yeah… yeah, like you guys.” Casey tried not to think about the last time he’d seen his Mikey… his uncle, really. All of the brothers were like uncles or father figures to him; they’d helped raise him even before his mom’s passing. Sometimes seeing their faces now was… too much.

“You sure you’re okay?” Mikey pressed, makeshift bandage now completely forgotten on the counter as he observed Casey’s face.

“I will be.” He smiled, holding up his hands between them. “I may not have scars like yours, but I do have them. Every time I looked at them, Master Michelangelo’s voice played in my head, reminding me that my scars were showing I’d made it through hard stuff. Not that he was encouraging me to get hurt or anything –”

Mikey shook his head, holding up his own shaky hands, too. “No, I think I get it. He was – or I was – showing you that even when things are hard, or they hurt, that it won’t last forever. Right?”

“Yeah.” Casey smiled, now turning his hands into fists in the air, knuckles out.

Mikey gave him a little laugh and fist bumped him. “Thank you, really. Also, I’m hungry, and the others should be waking up soon. Want to go grab something for them to eat?”

Casey pushed his hands into his pockets. “Sounds like a plan, Mikey.” Then he tilted his head a bit and laughed. “Yeah, still feels weird to call you that. I’ll get used to it.”

The sea-green turtle slung his arm around Casey’s shoulder and began walking them out of the kitchen with a smile. “You better.”

Overall, the day went by pretty quickly. Raph, Splinter, and even Donnie had come to breakfast. Granted, Casey knew he’d also been knocked out for the last twelve hours at least, but now he seemed far less on edge. It was a relief to all of them, but not quite enough to fully take the tension out of the air.

Leonardo still hadn’t come out to eat. Casey tried to fight down the fidgeting, the anxiety of feeling like there was danger nearby even though they were home and safe.

Donnie caved first. “Where is that dum-dum? When was the last time he ate?”

“For dinner last night.” Raph said around a mouthful of breakfast burrito. Then his gaze narrowed as he looked at his food. “Or… he ate a little, but not a lot. He said he wasn’t hungry.”

“Yeah, ‘not hungry’ my ass.” Donnie griped.

“Language.” Splinter frowned as Donnie shoved another mouthful of cheese omelet into his mouth.

“Sorry.” He mumbled, not sounding at all sorry. “Has he changed his bandages?” When no one responded, Donnie’s gaze sharpened. “Guys, seriously, has anyone seen him change them?”

“He said he did when I checked on him yesterday.” Raph said slowly. “He seemed a little wobbly but… he wasn’t wearing his brace –”

“He’s not wearing his brace?!” Donnie screeched up as he shot to his feet. “Oh, that little – that stupid blue – I’m gonna – he knows he’s supposed to wear it at least around the house, he knows that!”

“Donatello, calm down.” Splinter’s voice was gentle as he set his food down on the table, meeting his son’s eyes. “If he’s been in bed, then I’m sure he’s fine.”

“But we don’t know if he’s been in bed!” Donnie threw his hands up above his head before dragging his palms down across his face. He looked like he wanted to say something else, eyes shifting across the surface of the table. “He can portal wherever he wants. Why is he so stubborn?!”

“Donnie, relax.” Mikey stood up then, reaching across the table to set a hand on his brother’s shoulder. Casey noted that he was back to wearing his normal bandages, leaving his scarred fingers exposed. “I’ll go check on him right now, okay?”

The soft-shell gave Mikey a long, studious look before plopping back down into his chair. “Fine. Go wake him up and drag him out here to eat so I can check on his bandages. The idiot is going to make me get wrinkles at sixteen years old, I swear.”

Casey couldn’t help it. That feeling in his gut won out and he stood too. “I’ll… go with Mikey.”

The brothers nodded, Raph’s eyes filled with worry as he motioned for Casey to come over to him. When he was close enough, Raph whispered, “His brace is by the foot of the stairs, kinda tucked away.”

Casey nodded and followed Mikey out of the room. He wanted to jog, to run, a nervous habit he thinks he may have picked up from always living on the edge of danger. Mikey didn’t seem to have the same feeling, his walk steady and bordering on casual. Casey wasn’t sure why, but he assumed it was because Mikey figured he’d be there.

It wasn’t until Leonardo’s train door was opened that Mikey’s body language sharpened and tensed. Casey, having gone to grab the brace, didn’t even have to look in the room to know. Mikey whirled around. “He’s not there. Maybe… maybe he’s in the bathroom?”

Casey just stood there, holding the brace in his hand and having a barrage of memories flood his mind as Mikey ran for the bathroom. One in particular broke the surface, and he felt himself tumble into it.

“Leo disappears sometimes.” Donatello had told Casey once, while sitting on the floor of his lab.

“Why?” Casey had asked with a sniffle, upset that his Sensei hadn’t shown up for their training exercises. It had been a month since Raphael had passed away, but Casey felt like it had been even longer since he’d seen Leonardo. He missed Raphael too, but he was starting to miss Leonardo more.

The tall soft-shell had finally looked down at Casey then, pushing his worn goggles up to the top of his head. His eyes were sad and tired as he reached down and picked Casey up, setting him in his lap. “He… he’s upset. When Leo gets upset, sometimes he needs time alone to process and regulate his emotions.”

Casey, still only six, hadn’t understood most of those words. “Regu-pate?”

“Regulate.” Donatello corrected cooly, hands already typing away at something on the holo-screen in front of him. His arms were on either side of Casey, letting the kid lean his cheek into the genius’ plastron. “It means he’s trying to deal with his feelings.”

Casey tipped his head up a bit. “But, we can help him, right?”

Donatello’s face scrunched in pain. “I don’t know, CJ. He doesn’t like getting help.”

“But we’re family.” He pouted, now looking at his hands where they were curled in his lap. He wanted to cry. He wanted to see Master Leonardo and give him a hug. “Why would he leave his family?”

Suddenly, Donatello’s arms went slack and Casey felt him begin to shake a little. Something warm and wet landed on the top of his head, and he began to look up. Before he could though, one three-fingered hand came up and tucked his head into the cool plastron. “I’m sorry, CJ.” Donnie said softly, his voice warbled. “I want to see him – to help him – too.”

Casey did start to cry then, silent tears rolling down his cheeks. “When will he come back?”

“When he’s ready.” Donatello’s other hand came up to wipe the tears away. Casey would later learn what a rare, outright tenderness this moment would be for the genius. “But I know he’ll come back. He always does.”

Casey is shaken from the memory by Mikey skidding back into the room, eyes wide and panic written all over him. “He’s gone.”

Chapter Text

Donnie couldn’t sit still. His breakfast felt like it had lost its flavor, and his legs wouldn’t stop bouncing, one finger vigorously tapping against his thigh. Somehow he knew, before Casey and Mikey even came back, that his brother wasn’t in his room. He didn’t know how he knew, but the feeling had been bugging him all morning, and when he saw Casey peek around the corner, the leg brace in his hands, Donnie didn’t even try to hide the hiss that rose up and out of him.

“I fucking knew it.”

“Don, language!” Raph chided, glaring at him. Then he looked from Casey to the brace and then to Mikey, who also entered the room. “What’s going on?”

Mikey wrung his hands, wincing whenever he pushed too hard on the band aid on his finger. “Uhhh… well, you see Raph, it’s just that –”

“Leo’s gone.” Casey said plainly, his eyes now staring down at the brace.

Raph stood up fast, his chair falling over, and before anyone could say anything else, he was up and moving across the Lair, practically charging for Leo’s train car. Donnie just stayed in his chair, seething as he glared at the brace in Casey’s hand. He knew most likely where he’d be, and he had the tracker that could easily find him if he was still in New York City, but he couldn’t pull it up. He was too mad to think anything other than stupid Leo, stupid Leo, stupid Leo.

Their dad approached Mikey, who was hovering in the doorway and looking unsure of what to do. He set a hand on Mikey’s leg, looking worried. “Do not panic, my son, we will find him. He can’t have gone far.”

Donnie was still far too tired to even attempt to hide his low snarl. “Oh he better not have gone far. I’ll kill him myself.”

Splinter’s head snapped around to frown at him. “Not funny, Purple.”

Donnie grinned, stiffly getting to his feet. His voice took on a fake niceness, making his sarcasm feel like a physical, bitter thing in his mouth. “You know what else isn’t funny?” His fingers were trembling, his body and smile taut with anger. “Our precious Leonardo, going missing, just because he’s so emotionally stunted that he’d rather hurt or endanger himself than talk to us!”

Mikey blinked slowly at him, as if he were seeing Donnie for the first time today. “Really? You would rather have him talk to you?”

“To any of us.” Donnie gestured widely with a sweep of his arm. “Literally anyone. But noooo, he’d rather be a portal-jumping idiot than handle things in a healthy way.”

Mikey’s eyes narrowed as he continued to stare at his brother. Casey was still just gazing down at the brace in his hands; Donnie wanted to rip it from his grasp and tear it to pieces. Before he could follow through, Mikey asked, “What aren’t you telling us, Don?”

Raph reappeared then, shoulders hunched and an unexpected spark of his own anger lighting his eyes. “If you know where he is, you better say so, because Raph’s about to find him and tie him to the couch and give him the longest lecture of his life.”

While inwardly, Donnie agreed with Raph, he found himself unsure if he should disclose anymore info. “It isn’t a guarantee —”

Raph crossed his arms. “Donnie —”

“Is he… swimming again?” Mikey cut in, the gentle shock in his voice cutting the rising tension for a moment. When Donnie didn’t outright disagree, Mikey slapped a hand to his forehead. “Ohmigosh, he’s doing it again, isn’t he?”

Well, no point in hiding it I guess. “Yes, Angelo, he is.”

“Great,” Raph was already turning back around to go get his things. “Then let’s go get him. Donnie, do you know where he goes? Or can your chip thingy find him?”

“How do you guys know about the… y’know, never mind.” He felt himself lifting his arm almost mechanically, every movement happening with a jerk of his muscles. His finger tapped his forearm, only to realize he didn’t have his wraps or his wrist device on. He’d come straight here from his bed, half asleep. “Ugh, AUGH, hold on, I have to go get the thing so I can do the thing.”

Walking felt hard, as if his legs had become wooden, and his breath was hissing through his nostrils. He felt like a coiled snake, ready to strike at anything and everything. And yeah, maybe he pushed his curtain aside too hard, nearly bringing it down on his head, and yeah, maybe he knocked some things over onto the floor and left them there while grabbing his wrist device. Donnie did not care. All he could think about was a couple nights ago when he’d first discovered Leo with wet bandages and how he’d promised he’d waterproof his stuff and to not go too often. How he’d sworn he wouldn’t disappear again. He’d made a promise, yet a sharp jab in his gut told him his brother had lied. Lied to him, the one he called his twin, the one he was always bothering and pestering and bickering with; the one who was always there and making sure everyone was safe when he thought no one was looking. He’d lied, betrayal cutting Donnie like a knife.

With another angry hiss, he shoved the wrist tech on and tapped the screen, waking it up. A soft purple light washed over his face, and he was vaguely aware of his brothers now watching him from the hallway just outside his room. His finger hovered over the little blue “L” in the top right corner, tucked between a red “R” and an orange “M”. He flexed his hand to try and steady it before decisively tapping the blue icon.

Donnie’s eyes narrowed immediately at what popped up on his screen. The new vitals chip wasn’t responding quite right, the readings inconsistent and spaced out in the logs. Currently, Leo’s body temp was low, his oxygen levels thinner, and his heart rate was up. However, there was a little purple alert notification in the corner of the screen, which he quickly tapped.

It took everything in him not to start outright swearing. How had he not seen this earlier? How had he not been alerted?! He could’ve sworn he’d waterproofed everything, and even then, any changes should’ve sent alerts right to his lab or… or…

He checked the time stamps. The error codes on the chip started the night before. Early enough to have had Leo only be in his room for maybe a couple of hours before disappearing. He realized with growing dread that he did have notifications about this, he just hadn’t seen them yet because what had Donnie been doing the last fifteen hours off and on? He’d been sleeping.

“Dee, is everything okay?” Raph’s voice was gentle, even as the question was laced with anxiety. He was rubbing slightly at his injured eye, which Donnie noted was twitching a bit. “Can we find Leo?”

Donnie felt like all he could hear was the blood rushing through his veins, even though he’d clearly heard Raph’s questions. It nearly staggered him when the feeling went from outright anger to being a dangerous cocktail of anger and fear. “We can find him. I know two spots he used to frequent, but if he’s not there —.”

“So the tracker isn’t working?” Mikey was wringing his hands again, even as he winced whenever he applied too much pressure.

Too many thoughts began to flood his brain. Raph needed his eye drops first, to help him see before they left. Mikey needed something to help him with his hands so they didn’t hurt and shake if they needed to drag Leo back. What if they couldn’t find Leo? What if he’d gone somewhere he couldn’t reach? He needed a battleshell, but the thought of one touching him, rubbing on his scars and potentially triggering Leo, if and when they found him, made him want to scream. He wanted to break something. He wanted to cry.

Too much, too many things to consider, too big a hassle, too much, overwhelmed, stupid, tired, shouldn’t have slept, too much, too —

Suddenly, Raph was in front of him, bending down so they were more eye-level. “Hey, Donnie, come back to us. Breathe, little brother, breathe. Cmon, take a big breath with Raph.”

His hearing still felt staticky, but he did his best to follow. He felt like his body and mind were in different places, his concentration scattered into too many directions. It wasn’t until he noticed Raph had been holding out his hand that he understood the silent invitation. He stiffly dropped his right hand into Raph’s, and his big brother gently wrapped his large fingers around it and squeezed.

“Breathe, Donnie.”

The pressure of Raph’s strong hand around Donnie’s own made him start to feel present again, grounding him back into his body. He deepened his breathing, closing his eyes and focusing solely on Raph’s warm hand as he let the static in his mind fade piece by piece into nothing.

“That’s better.” Raph squeezed his hand again. “You’re not alone, Donnie. We will find him together.”

“I know.” Donnie’s voice came out quiet. He felt another, smaller hand setting itself on top of his and Raph’s. “I just… you guys are still injured and I can’t…”

The youngest turtle’s voice was steady and sure. “We’ll be fine, Dee, I promise. And besides, it can’t be that hard to find Leo. We’ll stick together while we look.”

Donnie finally opened his eyes, looking between his two brothers and letting himself show open, genuine gratitude, bad-boy image be damned. “Thank you, guys.”

“Always.” Raph smiled.

Donnie straightened his stance, his shoulders pulling back as he did. “Okay, let’s go get our dum-dum brother.”

Even with their insistence, Donnie still made everyone prepare for the trip. The beach they were going to check was quite a distance away, and even in the Turtle Tank, he wanted everyone to be in as top notch condition as possible. He made Raph put in his eye drops before getting in the tank, and while Raph drove, Donnie sat down with Mikey in a fold down cot he’d added a while ago. He put medicine on Mikey’s burns, which were almost fully healed now, and gently re-wrapped them.

“You really are getting good at this.” Mikey breathed. “Leo would be proud.”

“Thank you, dear brother, but Leo’s opinion means nothing to me at the current moment.” He tied off the bandages near the elbows before leaning back on his heels. “I’m going to force him to start taking care of everyone again if it keeps him busy and keeps him home.”

They were quiet for a while, and Donnie could swear that Raph was listening as he drove them. The air practically vibrated with tension, all of them seemingly lost in thought.

“Is Leo gonna be okay?” Mikey broke the silence first, tucking his hands into his lap, staring at them. “He’s been acting weirder than normal.”

“Leo will be fine.” Raph answered before Donnie could even open his beak. “At least until Raph gets a hold of him. What’s he thinkin’, makin’ us worry like this?”

Donnie knew; he always knew, somehow. This wasn’t consciously intentional of Leo. In fact, it was the opposite. Leo had always been impulsive and aloof, but only outwardly. Internally, his brother had always been much more guarded and introverted and aware than ppl gave him credit for, which was something Donnie understood a little too well.

He didn’t know how to voice this to the other two, however, so instead he opted for going to the control panel and pulling up the map again. They were only a couple minutes from the docks, which was where they would activate “boat mode”, as Mikey called it. From there, they’d drive to the little secluded beach that Donnie knew his brother liked to go to. The downside to this is that Leo would most likely see them coming, so he only hoped that he either didn’t, or that his brother didn’t try to portal away.

Raph noticed Donnie’s silence as they drove up a few more blocks. “Are ya still mad, Dee?”

Donnie scowled at the map before plastering on a big, intentionally fake smile and turning in his seat to look up at Raph. “But of course not, Raphael. Why would I be mad?”

His face fell. “Donnie, I’m upset too, but us blowing up on Leo isn’t going to help matters.”

“That depends on how he reacts.” Donnie pointed at the map where a blue pin hovered over the island landmark. “If that dum-dum tries to run or portal away, I’m not holding back. It’s very possible we’ll have to hold him down.”

Raph looked shocked at that, but Mikey poked his head around the snapping turtle’s seat, eyes narrowed. “Why would he run though?”

“Because he’s… c’mon, you guys know him. I theorize it’s why he started learning how to handle all our medical stuff; so he wouldn’t have to ask us for anything when he got injured. He was just in too bad of shape this last time after… after…” Donnie felt himself choking on the words, the memories, and mentally slammed them down before vaguely twirling his hand in the air. “Well, you know what.”

Mikey came to sit in the seat on Donnie’s other side, the map hovering in the air between them. “Yeah, but this isn’t just physical anymore.”

It never was. Donnie thinks bitterly. He says nothing more though, his hand already hovering over the aquatic button as Raph turned them onto the street leading to the docks. The sun was already up, and they knew they were drawing too much attention in such a big vehicle, but none of them seemed to care at the moment. Leo coming home was their top priority.

He pressed the button as their tank drove right down an empty dock and out into open air. There was the telltale hiss of the floatation devices airing up, and they hit the water with a bounce, the tank rocking back and forth for a moment. Donnie’s hands swiftly pressed a few more buttons, activating the motor and having two life rafts ready just in case. The motor pinged that it was ready for use, and Raph flipped a switch on his controls, maneuvering their newly transformed ship out into open water.

Thankfully the island wasn’t super far, and it was still early enough in the day for there to not be too many tourist boats out and about. The island was a dot in the distance, growing in size painfully slowly as they dipped and bobbed across the ocean waves. Ten minutes later, Raph was engaging the motor and the thrusters to beach the tank, and he was the first to hop out of his seat and head for the door. Donnie had to quickly engage the sand anchors and brakes before following behind Raph and Mikey.

Before Donnie could tell them that they probably shouldn’t shout for him, Raph was already cupping his hands around his mouth and shouting, “Leo!”

“Raph!” Donnie hissed, jumping onto to smooth spaces between his brother’s shell spikes and clamping his hands around his large beak. “If he’s in a mood, calling for him might make him hide or run.”

His big brother tipped his head back to look at Donnie, eyes narrowed. Mikey, tapped on Donnie’s calf as he scanned the surrounding area. “How are we going to find him? I know this place isn’t that big to begin with but… if he’s swimming, he could also be in the water.”

It felt like someone had stuck a lightning bolt down Donnie’s spine. He pushed off of Raph and was nearly jogging down the beach as he pulled up Leo’s tracker on his wrist again. Then, without thinking, he was pressing the comms button, hoping against hope that his dumb blue twin would hear him.

“Nardo, if you don’t answer this call, I’m not giving you the ‘Saved the World’ Champion belt I’ve been working on for you.” All he got was a slight static and the gentle hum of wind. “Leo, I’m serious, no more cool gadgets, no more trophies, no more good jasmine tea because you know Mikey and me are the only ones who remember which brand you like best. You’ll have to live with my strong coffee instead!” Still nothing.

Nothing.

Only static.

Only the sound of waves and the brush of wind against his skin and scales.

Don’t panic, don’t panic, he’s fine. He thought as he heard his brothers following behind him. They were saying something, but he couldn’t hear it, not over the roar of his blood and the thrum of the waves. Don’t panic, don’t panic, it won’t help anything. He’s fine. We’re fine. His mind was racing with the memories of that day again, of the deafening silence after the explosion of the technodrome as his brother’s voice disappeared for what he assumed was forever. How the last thing they’d heard him say was “please” as he practically begged for his fate to be sealed. How the static of his comms connection being cut had filled his brain, his body, his heart, his soul. Don’t… don’t think about it. Absolutely don’t think about it.

He brought his wrist up to his beak again, wanting to spill more threats, but no words came out. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. Suddenly, Mikey was beside him, gently reaching for his hand as he tugged him back a bit. “Dee, you’re going too fast.”

We have to find him. What if… what if he pushes himself too hard? What if we can’t find him? “I always walk fast.”

Mikey sputtered a laugh. “Yeah, whatever you say, big bro. But, Raph can’t keep up at this pace and if we’re gonna have to grab Leo, we’ll need all hands on deck.”

Donnie looked over Mikey’s shoulder to see Raph finally catching up with them, huffing a little. How fast had he been walking? He must look crazy, being so hot and cold like this with his reactions. “Sorry, sorry, I… Mikey said something that… it doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter.” Raph set a hand on both brother’s shoulders. “All of this matters. We need each other, right? We can’t get through this if we don’t stick together. Raph understands, Donnie; remember that you are not alone in this.”

あなたは一人じゃない

The words echoed in his mind, a salve against the ache, against the broken space he’d begun to feel within him. It didn’t erase the worry or the fear or the anger, but it did help. He let some of the tension in his body loosen. “Yeah… yeah, you’re right. Thank you… again.”

Mikey just squeezed his hand, keeping his hold as they began to walk again. Raph just patted Donnie on the head gently, following just behind them as they continued on. Their pace was brisk, but not like the panicked near-jog that Donnie had been at earlier. They walked for what felt like forever, Donnie constantly checking the tracker in case it pinged him, Mikey looking up and down the beach and into the shrubbery and trees, and Raph keeping his eyes on the water. After nearly twenty minutes, Donnie was struggling to fight off his panic again.

He was about to voice his worry when Mikey suddenly pointed, tugging on Donnie’s hand. “There’s his stuff!”

Sure enough, tucked closer to a tree, were Leo’s swords stuck in the sand, their blades glinting dimly in the shade and Leo’s bandana fluttered in the breeze where it was tied to the hilt. His blue pull-over hoodie was hung on the other sword hilt, sleeves swaying gently. Before anyone could stop him, Mikey was dropping Donnie’s hand and running for the stuff, feet kicking up sand as he did. Raph immediately went for the water, and Donnie was left in the middle, suddenly unsure what to do. Leo was nowhere to be seen, at least not yet, so he most likely was in the water.

Donnie decided to scan the beach some more. The ocean tides could move a body very easily, the same way standing on a wet shoreline would shift your feet until you were suddenly several yards away from where you’d been before. There was no guarantee Leo was even in the immediate area, so he’d continue looking just in case.

“You two stay here and scan the area, in case he comes back.” He called to his brothers as he walked past them.

They both responded with a thumbs up, eyes sharp and focused as they looked around. The good news was that Mikey was near Leo’s swords, which meant he’d have to go through at least one of them to even attempt to portal. The bad news was that they still couldn’t see him anywhere.

Donnie kept his gaze up now, resisting the urge to check the tracker yet again. He began to wonder if Leo had destroyed it intentionally, so he could disappear like this and not have anyone able to find him. That thought alone was enough to make his blood run cold, enough to again feel like he’d been struck by lightning, the energy was running along his bones. He looked over his shoulder again to make sure his brothers weren’t looking before breaking into a run.

He knew he wasn’t alone, but right now, Leo probably felt like he was. They had to show him he wasn’t. They had to find him and bring him home.

The sand made running so much harder, so much slower, and Donnie wished he’d brought his hover shell. He wanted to be able to zip through the air and maybe get a bird’s eye view. But he couldn’t stand wearing them right now. The shells felt weird; they hurt in a way that wasn’t exactly pain, but more like such extreme discomfort that it felt like it hurt. He hated that wearing his own tech felt so wrong.

His breath began to heave out of him, his legs burning and eyes watering whenever the wind kicked up enough to blow sand back into his face. Still, he kept running, eyes scanning the shorelines and shadows with heightened intensity.

A flash of red and green caught his eye and he skidded to a halt, a small wave of sand folding over itself from the momentum around his feet. There. There, there, there, in the water, head just breaking the surface and looking like he was coughing.

He was charging the water without a second thought, water lapping at his ankles as he shouted, “Leo!” His brother didn’t turn, didn’t even seem to hear him as he continued to cough and suck in air. He looked pale and tired. Donnie cupped his hands around his mouth. “Leo!”

His brother seemed to half-turn, eyes maybe catching him in the peripherals, when he slumped sideways, head lolling to the side as he began to sink back down. No, no, no, no. “Leonardo! Leo! Shit, shit, shit.”

He burst further into the water, wrenching his wrist device off, tapping the panic button, and chucking it as hard as he could back to the sand. His goggles followed quickly after. He didn’t even check to be sure they made it. The chilly water reached his thighs, his waist, and just when Donnie was diving in, Leo’s head disappeared below the waves.

Donnie hadn’t swum in saltwater in years, the water stinging his eyes when he opened them. He fought back the urge to go for the surface, to close his eyes, letting his instincts remind him how to move through the tides as he looked for his brother. Leo hadn’t been that far ahead of him, maybe twenty yards or so. He kicked hard, cutting through the water as he tried to see through the haze of surface pollution. Where is he? C’mon, c’mon.

He curved under a wave as it swelled above him and that’s when he spied another flash of green, of grayish blue shell, of a sharp red stripe across the head. He pushed his arms and legs harder, faster, until Leo was in his arms. Without wasting another second, he pulled them for the sunlight above, Donnie tucking one arm firmly under his brother’s arm and tucking him into his side. When they surfaced, he saw his brothers coming around a bend in the island.

Leo’s head rolled, his body a dead-weight, and Donnie kicked hard for the shore. Raph and Mikey spotted them, Mikey crying out and full-on sprinting for the shoreline, Raph close behind him. When Donnie finally felt sand under his feet, he was panting heavily, dragging Leo in his arms. Raph ran into the water to help them, Mikey’s hands full of Leo’s stuff as he stared and stared and stared. As Raph forced his way toward them, Donnie gasped, “He fainted, he was going… going under… he didn’t… hear me. I don’t know… if he’s breathing.”

Raph wordlessly scooped Leo up, ever gentle even as anger and worry shadowed his face. Then, he reached down and picked up Donnie too, tucking him into his other arm even though Donnie tried to refuse, tried to push away, tried to keep a hand on Leo. Did he have a pulse? He had to know he was okay. They moved quickly for the shore, and Mikey continued to stare as Raph set Donnie on his feet. Raph then gently lowered Leo onto the sand, turning him slightly onto his side.

“Cough it up, Leo.” Raph muttered, almost to himself by the sound of it as he roughly patted the top of Leo’s shell and shook him a bit with the other. “C’mon, little brother, cough up that nasty sea water. Wake up.”

As if on cue, Leo suddenly coughed harshly, his beak parting as water came out of him. Donnie was on his knees, when had that happened? He felt like he couldn’t breathe as he watched Leo cough and cough, his body shivering and eyes squeezed shut. Donnie was remembering blood and bile and tears, IVs and morphine and too much blood on all of them. He was remembering swollen and bruised skin, broken and fractured bones, burn scars and the smell of a sterilized room as Leo screamed from nightmares. The memories made him want to throw up and he had to clench his teeth as he watched Leo heaving for air.

When he finally seemed done coughing up everything, he slowly opened his eyes, his gaze glossy and unfocused as he looked around. Then, awareness seemed to snap into him as his eyes sharpened and his body tensed. He sat up with such force that he almost knocked Raph over from where he was still crouched over him. “What are you guys doing here?!”

Donnie felt himself starting to shake, the memories from months ago fading as anger and fear tidal-waved into him once more. “What’re we doing here?!” He shrieked, barely noticing as Mikey dropped everything in his arms to the side.

“Whoa, hey, relax Don—” Leo began coughing again, wincing.

“You don’t get to tell us to relax!” Donnie yelled, slamming his fist down into the sand. He really thought he was seeing red right now, every other thought emptying his body. “You disappeared! You didn’t tell us where you were or where you went! You look like absolute shit, you almost drowned—”

“M’fine.” Leo grumbled, not looking at him as he wiped his mouth.

Donnie was going to fucking explode. “Did you not hear me?! You almost drowned!”

Leo’s head drooped down between his knees, something in his expression totally foreign and dark there. “You’re too loud.” His hands came up and wrapped around the back of his neck. “G’me a minute.”

Mikey still stood there, looking between the three of them with the weirdest blank expression. Like he, of all people, didn’t know what to do in such an emotional situation. Donnie could barely think straight around his own emotions as he got up and retrieved his wrist tech and goggles, shoving them roughly back into place after wiping and shaking the sand from them. Donnie noticed then that Leo did have a large bandage pad over the area of his shell that was cracked. It was soaked, even with the poor attempt at waterproofing the areas around it. All that told him was that Leo had definitely been here for hours.

Raph was trembling beside Leo, his quiet fury cutting through all the noise when he hissed, “Get your ass up, we’re going home.”

Leo barely lifted his head. He didn’t even acknowledge he’d heard, but they all knew he had. Then, without another word, Raph reached down and scooped Leo back up, though not nearly as gently. Leo tried to fight back, but all their big brother had to do was give him one harsh shake and raise his voice the slightest bit. “Knock it off!”

He stopped struggling then, slumping back into Raph’s arms and staring down at his hands where they lay face up on his stomach. They went back to the tank in silence, gathering up Leo’s things once more. Donnie felt like he was in the biggest daze of his life, not remembering if anyone spoke to him or touched him or anything. The adrenaline must be leaving my system. It wasn’t until the door to the tank was opening that he felt like he was back in his body.

“Set Leo on the medical table and take us home Raph.” Donnie requested tiredly. Raph merely nodded, setting Leo down on the spot where Mikey had been sitting maybe an hour ago. Mikey came over, set Leo’s stuff beside him, and went to his own seat without a word. Somehow, that’s what seemed to get to Leo the most if his expression had anything to say about it.

Donnie once more attempted to pull up Leo’s vitals and tracking chip, but it still wasn’t functioning right so he flicked away from it with a roll of his eyes. “Okay, I’m going to start with your ribs.”

“With what materials?” Leo mumbled, gesturing loosely around them.

“What do you mean?” Donnie frowned, heading for a drawer. It usually housed all kinds of medical equipment like IV fluid, needles, a stethoscope, and medicines. He yanked it open and felt his eyes widen. “Leo, why is this drawer empty? You were supposed to put everything back!”

“I forgot.”

“You forgot.” It wasn’t a question, but more of a disbelieving, exasperated statement.

“Yeah, I forgot.” Leo still wouldn’t look at him, his eyes cast down to the floor. One of his hands reached over and shook his hoodie out from under his swords and mask and he began to tug it on.

“No, no, I don’t think so!” Donnie pushed the drawer shut and rushed over, snagging the hood before Leo could put his head through it. “Leave it off, I need to look over your injuries!”

“You don’t have the stuff you need to check everything, so you’ll have to wait until we get home.” Leo’s voice was muffled through the fabric, but even without being able to see his face, Donnie could tell he was scowling. There was a moment of quiet before his brother said, “Also, I’m cold.”

That stopped Donnie in his fight for the hoodie. “Cold? It’s like perfect middle-of-the-day weather right now. You love this kind of weather.” He had loosened his hold just enough for Leo to take advantage of, pulling enough to slip out of Donnie’s grasp and poke his head through the opening.

“Yeah. I dunno, I’m cold. Maybe I just need some heat lamp time.” Leo seemed like he was trying to lighten the mood, but it came out half hearted, pathetic, and tired. “Let’s just… go home.”

Raph was already on it, flipping switches and pressing buttons that Donnie didn’t think he’d ever paid attention to, and sent them back across the waves. Donnie glanced at Leo, who still wouldn’t look at any of them, his hood now up over his face, and decided he didn’t want to pick this fight right this instant, no matter how upset he was. He’d deal with it when they got home.

It was the longest forty-five minute drive home of his life, but as they finally made it to their garage entrance, Donnie stood up from his seat. “Okay Leo, straight to the med-bay, no fuss or any of that garbage because I swear —”

He froze. Leo’s skin shone with a layer of sweat and he was shivering profusely, his beak clamped shut tightly as he kept his arms wrapped tightly around himself. He lifted his head slowly, so slowly, to look at him. “Huh? Are we home already? Wowww, that was so fast.”

Mikey stood up next as Raph shut everything down, his steps also faltering as he took in the sight of their brother. “Whoa, Leo, you okay?”

Leo’s head bobbed side to side. “You guys are wobbly, why are you wobbly?”

Raph was beside them in an instant, his chair folding up and retracting into its compartment above their heads. “Dude, you’re shivering, what’s wrong?”

Leo stood up, his legs shaking and wincing as his bad leg nearly buckled under him. All three of them lurched forward, Mikey scooping one of his arms first while Raph had his hands out as if to catch Leo if he fell forward. Leo tried to shake them off, but the movements were weak.

Mikey quietly squeaked, “Leo… you’re burning up.”

Raph’s hand lifted and he touched two large fingers against Leo’s forehead, his eyes widening.

Shit.

Donnie found himself planted firmly in front of Leo as Raph shuffled to the side a bit. He knew he looked downright murderous as he glared down his beak at his twin. “Leonardo, tell me right now what’s happening to you.”

Leo looked him in the eyes then, and he felt himself flinch. He’d never seen his brother’s eyes look so… well, he wasn’t sure what it was. He wished he did because then maybe he could fix it, but he had no idea. Leo flashed a fake, bright smile as he stepped out of Mikey’s grasp. “You see… DonTron… brothers… I may have made a… very foolish mistake, even for me.”

“A mistake as in what?” Donnie felt like his own voice was coming from somewhere very far away. If Leo had a fever, that was not a good sign. “What’s going on?”

Leo set a hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “Don’t panic… but I think… I might pass out right now.”

“What?” Donnie froze up. “What, what, what?”

“I said… don’t panic.” Leo huffed out, still trying to smile. He looked and sounded half delirious. “The world is spinning… too fast.”

“Guys we gotta get him to the med-bay now.” Donnie reached up to set a hand over Leo’s. Even his hands felt hot. “Leo, tell me why you have a fever so I can look up what to do.”

His eyelids fluttered, and he groaned, the smile finally falling away. “Uhmm… most likely… infection. Shell.” He tipped forward, and Donnie squawked as Leo’s weight began to push into him. “Shell…”

Donnie’s eyes widened and Leo passed out then, and Raph barely managed to catch both of them. Articles he’d read from years and years ago were suddenly crashing into the forefront of his memory. His brothers were asking him something… something important. Was it about what was happening? He thought it was. It had to be.

“Med-bay, now.” Donnie gasped as he tried to shoulder Leo into an easier to carry position. This close, it was almost offensive to himself that he hadn’t noticed the smell. How had he not noticed? It was wrong, like how milk would get a sour edge right as it was going bad. Or when his tech fried and fizzled, filling his lab with a metallic, horrible stinging smell. He pressed gently, experimentally, through Leo’s hoodie and felt his brother’s shell give, just the slightest bit. His heart plummeted.

“Leo has shell rot.”

Chapter Text

Raph felt like the floor fell out from under him. “Shell rot… shell rot?!”

Donnie was already pushing Leo into Raph’s arms, talking fast. “Yes, I’ll explain in detail later, but we have to go! Leave his hoodie on until we get there. I’m going to have to disinfect all of us ASAP.”

“Is it contagious?” Mikey squeaked.

“Extremely.” Donnie’s voice trembled as he lowered the tank’s ramp and hurried out.

Raph wanted to hit something. How could Leo be so selfish?! But, as he looked down at Leo cradled in his arms, his skin hot as he shivered against him, Raph found the urge to cry overriding his rage. Leo had tried to tell him, in his own snarky way, that he needed help that day in the training room. Raph had let his own temper, as well as Leo’s attitude, blind him to what his brother was really trying to ask for. So, Leo had taken the coping into his own hands. Now look where they were.

I’ve got you, Leo. I’ve got you. He thought to himself, holding his brother just a little tighter to his chest. He followed Donnie’s brisk pace, Mikey right beside them, taking the stairs two at a time into their home and away from Donnie’s lab and room. Raph used his free hand to cup the side of Leo’s head and shouted as loudly as he could, “Dad! Casey! We need you now!”

There was the sound of something falling to the floor, and then the steady thud of footsteps. Donnie was already up the stairs into the main living space and hanging a hard left toward the med-bay car. From his peripherals, Raph saw Casey and their dad scrambling in their direction.

“What happened?! Did you find Leonardo? Is he okay?” Splinter was on the verge of shouting, panic written all over his face. Casey froze just behind Splinter, eyes catching on the figure in Raph’s arms first. Then, Splinter saw the blue hoodie and slumped, unconscious form of his blue son and something in his expression broke a little. “Is he…?”

“He’s alive, dad.” Raph said gently, stepping into the med-bay car and moving for the hospital bed. “But he’s really sick, I think? Uhhh… you’ll have to ask Donnie I don’t quite know what shell rot entails.”

“Shell rot?!” Splinter blanched, eyes flying wide, and suddenly he was switching gears into dad mode. He took a deep breath to seemingly compose himself, and his eyes filled with focus and determination. “Donatello, do you know what we need? What can I do to help?”

“We need to disinfect all four of us, especially Raph since he’s the one who was holding Leo the longest. Shell rot is —”

“Contagious, I know.” Splinter nodded, already moving for some of the cabinets and hopping onto the counter to gather supplies. “I always feared this would happen to one of you… where is the source of the infection?”

Donnie began to fill in their father, all while Raph set Leo gently onto the hospital bed, making sure he was on his side and not lying on his back. He noted how quiet Mikey and Casey were, and he looked up to find them both standing by the door, staring at Leo’s unconscious self and looking lost. “Mikey, Casey, are you guys okay?”

Casey spoke first, his expression clearing a bit. “I… I haven’t had to deal with shell rot before. I am so used to helping in medical situations, but this one is lost on me.”

“That’s okay.” Raph said gently, one hand absently still holding Leo’s even though he knew he should probably let go. “We’ll learn together. Let’s just do what needs to be done.”

Mikey piped up next. “How do we… disinfect ourselves?”

“Come over here, my sons.” Splinter waved a hand from his new spot on the countertop, a container of disinfectant wipes beside him as well as hand sanitizer, a clean rag, and a plastic bottle of clear liquid beside him. “The wipes are for you boys. I want you to wipe your hands, arms, legs, shoulders, and chests. I will get your shells. Then I need you to all go shower with hot water and fresh towels each.”

“What about Leo?” Mikey asked, still staring at their brother. “Who’s going to take care of him?”

Splinter pointed right at Casey. “He will help me. Right now, I need you three to come over here to me and let me help you, while Casey helps Blue. Casey, I need you to gently remove Leo’s jacket so we can look at his shell.”

Casey hesitated a little, looking between the brothers and Leo. Raph hated that look on his face. He hated how Mikey seemed to be going into some sort of shut down mode, while Donnie looked ready to have a nervous breakdown with all his pacing and fidgeting, opening and closing drawers and cabinets seemingly at random. Raph just wanted to hold them all close to him, to keep them safe. Why couldn’t he ever keep them safe?!

“Raphael.” Splinter’s calm tone cut through the noise that was starting to build in his brain. “Come here, son. Let me take care of you first.”

“But… Leo…”

“Do not worry. He will be okay.” Splinter smiled gently, waving a hand for him to come closer. “You will all be okay.”

Raph wasn’t convinced. Things hadn’t felt fine ever since the day the Kraang attacked. Nothing felt normal, and he was beginning to think they never would at this rate. He hated it; absolutely hated it. Still, he felt his hand leaving Leo’s, felt his feet crossing the room, and felt himself stop in front of their father as he softly pressed a disinfectant wipe into his hand. Raph mechanically began to wipe himself down, and followed Splinter’s request to turn around so he could wipe down his shell. The chill of each fresh wipe made him shiver, but after a while he was almost leaning into the shell cleaning, his father’s touch gentle and soothing.

“Okay Red, go shower.” Splinter patted Raph’s shell warmly, letting his hand linger a moment before turning to pump some sanitizer onto his hands. “Orange, you next.”

Mikey shuffled toward their father, his eyes downcast as Raph stepped out of the way so he could also stand by the counter. Raph’s own gaze drifted to Donnie, who was hooking up a large heat lamp while Casey began looking through drawers before brandishing a pair of scissors.

Casey caught Raph’s questioning look and waved a hand toward Leo. “It’s a pullover hoodie, and I can’t move him alone. I’m going to have to cut it off.”

Mikey’s voice was nearly a whisper behind them. “Leo loves that hoodie.”

He didn’t know why, but something about the way Mikey said it made Raph’s eyes tear up. “I know, Mikey, I know. But, we gotta get him cleaned up.” He blinked the wetness in the corners of his eyes away and looked back to Casey and nodded, making his way to the door so he could go shower. “Do what you have to do, Junior. A jacket is replaceable… our brother is not.”

Raph let the water burn as hot as it would go, hoping the sting would be enough to keep him from crying. It didn’t work. He leaned his forehead against the tile walls and let the tears fall, fear and anger and grief crushing his heart.

How much more could he and his family take? Leo had been right here, at home, and Raph still hadn’t managed to help him. Leo wasn’t in another dimension with no way out. He wasn’t being held captive in thick ropes of skin-crawling, wet pink slime, all covered in eyes and teeth and digging into and under his skin. Leo was home and he still got sick; he still got hurt.

What about you, Raphael? His mind wondered as he shakily tried to regain his composure. But, stubbornly, he shook his head, forehead sliding against the tile. This isn’t about me.

He sighed and pushed off the wall slowly, knowing if he used all the hot water, his brothers wouldn’t be happy. Except for Donnie, if he went last he’d be okay with it. Leo though… he would’ve wanted a hot shower. Dammit. Raph felt another wave of emotion hit him and he just crouched down under the water and covered his face with a hand.

There was a knock on the door, and Raph lifted his head and tipped it out of the water. He prayed his voice would come out steady. “Yeah?”

Mikey’s muffled voice came through the bathroom door. “Are you almost done?”

“Yeah, yeah just —” His voice cracked and he cursed under his breath. He cleared his throat. “Just gimme a minute to get out and dry off.”

Mikey didn’t say anything to that, but Raph stood and turned off the water, rubbing his eyes. He stepped out of the shower and grabbed the large towel off the bar in the wall next to the tub. He dried quickly and opened the door, towel wrapped around his waist since his legs were still dripping water. Mikey stood there with his arms wrapped tightly around himself, looking so tired and drained.

“You can use the bathroom now, Mikey.” Raph said softly, catching his attention.

Mikey looked up at him with eyes so full of hopelessness and… well, his eyes looked dim. “Thanks.”

“I grabbed all of us clean towels… so yours is in here already. It’s your favorite one; the one with suns on it.”

“Thank you.” Mikey began to drag himself into the bathroom and Raph subconsciously reached out a hand to set on his shoulder, but his brother dodged the hand with impressive flexibility. “You can’t touch me Raph, I have to shower first.”

“Oh… right.” He lowered his hand slowly. His brother was already beginning to shut the door and Raph set his hand on the door instead. “Hey, Mikey, are you… are you okay?”

“I’m okay.” Mikey mumbled, his eyes downcast.

“Mike—.”

“Please, Raph, I don’t wanna talk about this right now.”

He understood, he did. He didn’t want to talk about the fact he was currently resisting the urge to rub at his eye until it stopped itching, or how he felt like this entire thing was his fault, or how he felt helpless as he felt his brothers falling apart at the seams. He didn’t know how to talk about it so he just didn’t. But Mikey was a talker; for him to clam up now was unusual and concerning.

“Okay, buddy, but just remember, big bro Raph is here for you.”

Mikey nodded and forced a small smile. “Thank you, Raph. I’ll keep that in mind… for when I’m ready.”

With that he shut the door and Raph sighed and headed for his room. He stopped just outside the train car, his gaze wandering to Leo’s room. He stood there for a while, the towel now slung around his shoulders, and he fell into his thoughts.

What if Leo never came home? What if… what if I never came home. What if I had killed him? What if they had all died trying to bring me home? What would they have done if I had died? What would we have done if Leo had died? Would we have ever recovered?

He felt tears rising again and he let them fall since no one was around to watch him. There was still a giant, blank wooden board covering the hole Raph had made in Leo’s train car. He knew it was something Donnie kept meaning to fix with some scrap metal, but with everything that had been going on, it was obvious he just hadn’t got around to it yet. Looking at it made Raph sad. Leo always pushed back before, acting like he always knew best and like he was hot stuff, but looking back, Raph should’ve noticed the insecurities behind Leo’s confident, cocky behavior. He should’ve seen, but he hadn’t.

They’d almost lost Leo the day the Kraang invaded. Leo had almost died again today. All because Raph couldn’t see.

He shoved into his room and slammed the door shut behind him, sinking to the floor with a broken, choked sob and curling into himself as much as he could. He knew, somewhere deep down, that he couldn’t protect his siblings from everything, but it didn’t change the fact that he wanted to. He loved them so much. He loved them, he loved them, and they were hurting.

He sobbed into his hands for a while, just trying to dig all the ugly emotions out of his body so he’d be able to face his family again in the next hour. He had to be their rock again. He had to make sure everyone was okay.

If that meant he cried alone, he’d accept it.

Raph’s phone vibrated against the metal floor beside him, buzzing over and over again, which told him it was a call. He reached tiredly for it, not bothering to open his swollen eyes where they were pressed against his forearm as it rested across his knees. I’ve cried too much today. He thought, rubbing absently at his injured eye.

His vision was getting worse, he knew, even with the drops. He’d wanted to bring it up to Leo, but he hadn’t known how to do so. Now, he’d have to wait even longer, and he didn’t even know how long that was going to take.

Cracking open one eye, Donnie’s goofy face smiled at him, the picture pulsing in time with the vibrations. He swiped at the green phone icon to answer the call before pressing the speakerphone button. “Hi.”

Donnie skipped a greeting altogether, his voice tired and tight. “Leo is being treated by dad and Casey… and uh… well…” Raph waited, anxiety tightening his fingers and coiling in his stomach. Finally, Donnie groaned and said, “We can’t see Leo for at least a week.”

“What?” Raph hissed quietly, the anxious feeling beginning to jab and poke through the rest of his body. “What do you mean we can’t see him?”

“I mean that shell rot is insanely contagious, Raph. We’re turtles too, we… we can’t get sick, too.”

“Leo can’t be left alone for that long.” Raph whispered, closing his eyes again.

“He won’t be. Dad, Casey, and April will take care of him for the week.”

“Can we… can we wear the Rat Flu Hazmats to visit at least?”

Donnie hummed in thought. “Maybe. Let me check their integrity against shell rot. We haven’t used them in over a year, so I’ll need to check them over for holes and such; I want to be safe.”

“Okay.” Raph relented, leaning his head back against the lip of his shell where it still rested against the door of his room. “So… he’s gonna be okay, right?”

“I think so. It seems like we caught it early enough for it to not be in the lethal stages, but he’s still absolutely experiencing symptoms and will need to be monitored carefully. As long as he stays put and actually heals, he should be fine and make a full recovery. At least… that’s what all the research I’m reading through says.”

“Thank heavens.” Raph sighed, eyes still closed as he adjusted his grip on his phone.

“I’m still gonna kick his ass for this once he’s better.” Donnie sounded casual up until the end, where his voice cracked the tiniest bit.

Raph felt his heart twinge, sending a shock of pain through him. He was mad at Leo, too, but he was also very worried. Leo had a tendency for hiding when things were wrong… for disappearing when he was struggling. But, he’d never gone this far. Raph was scared, but he wouldn’t be able to talk to Leo about it until he could either visit or until he was well enough to leave the med-bay.

You didn’t yell because you were mad… you yelled because you were scared.

He shook his head to clear the memory. Deciding he was tired of sitting, he slowly stood to his feet, his joints popping as he did so. Tossing the towel from the floor to his bed, he took the phone off of speaker mode and pressed it up to the side of his face. “Where are you right now? And Mikey? I think maybe… we should stick together during this?”

“Yeah, that should be fine, the only contact we’ve had with Leo was from today and we’re all disinfected. I’ll do scans on both of you before we get too close together though, just to be safe.” His voice sounded echo-y, like he was in the garage or his lab, Raph guessed. Donnie continued chatting though as Raph began a slow pace around his room, gaze wandering aimlessly. “And until I clear the hazmat suits, we have to stay far from the med-bay. I’m going to have to set up a decontamination space in front of the med-bay door, now that I think about it. Maybe I can build a little archway extension like we used to have at our old home. Yeah maybe–”

Raph suddenly wasn’t hearing Donnie, his voice fading as a high-pitched ringing filled his head. He was… he was seeing his arm, still covered in Kraang slime, watching as it gripped Leo tightly around the neck. He was choking him, crushing him, killing him –

Donnie’s voice sounded like it was coming through a tunnel. “Raph… Raphael… hey, Raphie, are you there?” He couldn’t… he couldn’t respond. Donnie’s voice came back, sounding even further away. “Hey… okay, wait, I’m coming. Don’t move.”

He couldn’t move, actually. His entire body was locked up, feet frozen in place as he stared. What was he staring at? He knew his eyes were open, but he couldn’t see, couldn’t see–

“I’m coming, Raph. Don’t hang up, big man, I’m coming.” Donnie called through the deep, dark cavern of Raph’s mind. He wanted to say something but he couldn’t.

Who was breathing hard? Was it him? Why did he feel like someone was wrapping fists around his throat, his lungs? It had been 3 months, right? He shouldn’t still feel this way, right? Why was he having an episode? What was he staring at?

His phone fell out of his hand, hitting the ground with a metallic clatter. He was staring at his reflection in the exposed glass of a window he usually kept covered with a large curtain. He could see his eye, the right one, the white part more yellow, the iris more pink. The scars were still a pinkish green, swiping down across the eye, and he felt like it was pulsing. Itching. Speaking.

Power. We gave you power. No one can resist Kraang. Be free of your worries, be free of responsibility. Be strong, be fierce, be feared, be respected. Power. Let us in. Let us in. Let us back in, red one. Let us in!

“Raph!”

He was gasping on his hands and knees now, a hand over his eye and the other grasping at the lip of his now broken plastron. Donnie was crouched in front of him, hands out as if he wanted to grasp his hands or arms but unsure if he should or not. Raph wanted him to; he needed something or someone to ground him back to the now. How could he tell his brother that’s what he needed when he couldn’t get his mouth to work at anything other than sucking in air?

A whine climbed up his throat and thank heavens Donnie took it as a sign to reach out. His cool hands closed the gap and landed on Raph’s shoulders, and he began to rub his hands side to side between his neck and shoulder spines. “I know… I know Raph just… just breathe, okay? Like we did for Leo. Follow me.”

He set a steady, slow pace and Raph did his best to follow. He didn’t want to think about the voices he heard in his sleep. He didn’t want to think about the damage his eye had endured and how much it had hurt when it had taken over him or when he’d torn it out. He didn’t want to think about how he felt like he’d failed Leo again, or how there was always going to be the possibility that they could lose each other. He didn’t want to think, he just… he wanted his family. He wanted his brothers and his dad and his sister. He needed them. He needed them right now.

Donnie’s hands were still firmly rubbing along his shoulders and now working down to his arms to help calm the shivering that had started up. When had that happened? When had the shaking begun? Donnie’s voice was gentle when he spoke again. “Mikey is coming, Raphie. We’ll stick together, okay? You won’t be… well, you know. I’m here… we’re here.”

The sound of Mikey’s soft, hurried steps reached his hazy awareness until he heard them slow and stop. Then, a few more steps, leading behind where he was still on his knees. There was the weight and slight warmth of his youngest brother laying across the back of his shell, knowing exactly how and where to position himself so the spikes didn’t poke him. He loosely wrapped his arms around Raph’s shoulders and pressed his face firmly into the back of Raph’s neck. Donnie was now rubbing Raph’s hands, working out knots he hadn’t known were there. Neither of them said a word, but honestly, he didn’t think either of them had to. They were here, and that’s what mattered.

They were here.

April’s foot was tapping harshly against the floor, her arms crossed as she looked between the brothers before landing squarely on Splinter. “So, how is he and how the hell did it happen?”

Splinter looked flustered as she glared down at him, wringing his hands from his spot at Raph’s side on the couch. “Well, uhm, from what Purple said, Blue has been sneaking off to do swimming and –”

“Why weren’t you keeping an eye on him?” April interrupted him, still glaring.

Splinter visibly flinched. “I can’t watch them all at the same time.”

“He’s the one we need to be watching the closest right now, Splints!”

Their dad shrunk back against the arm of the couch a bit more. “I… I tried. I am trying.”

Raph didn’t like how pained their dad’s voice was, and he especially didn’t like that the angry fire in his belly agreed with April. Their father had been… well, not really here during all of this. Sure, he’d been reassuring and helped with their recovery here and there, especially at the beginning, but he had taken to spending a lot of time in his room again the last month and a half. It reminded Raph of their younger years. It reminded Raph of all he’d had to do to keep his brothers from killing themselves on accident, and how many times he hadn’t been able to be a kid because he was too busy being a parent. He hated that he felt vindicated through April’s anger, and he hated that their father was very obviously hurt by the insinuation that he’d been slacking off as a dad.

April said nothing to that, darting her gaze over to Donnie. “How is he?”

“Stable, which is a very good and, honestly, very lucky thing.” Donnie said flatly, his fingers tapping against his leg as he swiped the info from his wrist tech to April’s watch so she could see what he’d been looking at. “That’s what we’re dealing with, as well as how we’ll have to treat it. I can’t help other than to give instruction via video calls or pre-recorded video instructions. It’s going to be up to you, father, and Junior to get him back into shape.”

April’s brows furrowed, then loosened from being mad to being horrified. “Donnie… this is serious.”

Raph leaned forward. “That’s why we need you, April. I mean… really need you. And Raph hates to even ask, especially after everything you’ve done for us. You… you already sacrifice a lot to be here, and —”

She held up a hand, eyes locking with his as she smiled. “Hey, big guy, don’t worry. Please, don’t worry about me. As long as my assignments are done, what I do with my free time is up to me. And me? Well, I love being here with you guys.”

Mikey curled closer to Raph on the couch, eyes gazing down at the floor as he tucked his arms tighter around himself. He’d been so quiet all day, unusually so, and Raph lifted an arm and wrapped it around his brother’s shoulders, tucking him tightly against him.

Casey arrived then, freshly showered. He had on a dark red shirt that was probably two sizes too big for him and Raph realized it was one of his old ones he’d given Leo years ago. His brother must’ve added it to the pile of clothes they’d gathered together to get for Casey when they realized he wasn’t going to fade away into his timeline. Or, however Donnie had tried to explain it to them. The shirt was tucked into a pair of dark sweatpants and his hair hung loosely around his shoulders, the strands still damp as he looked at them all.

“Well,” he started, shuffling further into the room to stand next to April. “He’s asleep and he probably will be for a few more hours. I already got him on some fluids and I cleaned the infected area the best I could for now. I turned on the heat lamp and made sure it wasn’t so close to him that it would burn; it’ll just keep him nice and toasty.”

April looked Casey over and gave him a wry grin. “Am I gonna have to shower every time I step in there?”

Donnie shook his head. “No, don’t worry. I’m going to get a sanitization spot set up for you guys tonight, so that won’t be necessary. Though, April, I would suggest a cap or bonnet so that the sanitizing spray doesn’t mess with your hair.”

“Thanks, Dee.” April looked relieved, one finger pulling at a stray curl near her ear. “How often will I need to be here? I’ll move some things around in my schedule if I need to.”

Casey spoke first, setting a hand gently on her shoulder. “Just come when you can. I’ll be here and so will Splinter, so we can rotate until you’re here to cover for us. Besides, we won’t need to be in there all the time, right Donatello?”

“Correct.” Donnie said, then paused, and Raph watched as he seemed to consider something. “Well… he may not technically need someone all the time, but… he’s going to be on some pretty intense pain-killers for a couple of days.”

“Oh no.” April sighed, looking sad.

Raph knew what they were thinking. It was just like three months ago. Leo had said some… pretty crazy stuff whenever the morphine had been in his system. Not only that, but he’d spent most of his loopy hours shivering, afraid, and sometimes triggered into panic attacks that resulted in one of the only times Raph had to restrain him. It had also taken several days to talk Donnie into visiting Leo again after that incident because he’d blamed himself and his tech for the episode. Raph found his eyes wandering to Donnie at the memory, and he saw his brother already clenching his jaw.

Donnie cleared his throat after a moment, and Raph could see him trying to appear normal. “Yeah. So… let’s put a camera in there to help monitor if he needs anything. That way we three can keep an eye on him too, even if we can’t go inside.” He motioned to himself and then Raph and Mikey on the couch.

Splinter finally got up from the arm of the couch on Raph’s other side and walked over to April, his shoulders back. “I know you are disappointed in me.” He turned to Raph and his brothers as well. “All of you probably are. I… don’t know how to explain it, but it is not an excuse for leaving you to handle this on your own.”

“You’re doing the best you can, dad.” Mikey said quietly, already forgiving everything if only to avoid anyone being more upset than they already were. Raph got it, he did, but he wanted to be sure this was real.

“Dad, you’ve been a huge help, and we know it can be hard to keep track of us all.” Raph shuffled his feet, took a deep breath, and looked at his father. “But… we really need you right now. All of us… we just really need our dad.”

Mikey shivered against him, and Raph tightened his arm around Mikey just a little more. Donnie wouldn’t look at anyone, but Raph could see the set of his jaw, the sadness in his eyes, and the tiredness in his body. They were all still feeling the fight from three months ago. They were all carrying an unspeakable burden, but in the end, Raph knew better than anyone that he and his brothers were still children. They’d been through hell and it had almost cost them Leo twice. It had almost cost him his own life, from trying to protect Leo, as well as the rest of his family. He couldn’t go through this again without their dad being there to support them more consistently.

April crouched down and set a hand on Splinter’s head. “I may be a little disappointed, but I still love you… all of you. The best way to make it up to them and to me is to start right here and now.”

Splinter looked up at her with teary eyes and gave her a tiny smile, his whiskers twitching as he sniffed. “You are right. I will be here. Anything you need… please tell me.”

They all hummed their agreements, nodding, and Raph closed his eyes in relief. They wouldn’t have to do this alone. He just hoped his dad wouldn’t disappear into his room again. If he did, he was going to go grab Splinter himself and toss him into the med-bay by force if necessary.

Donnie stood up then. “Right, then let’s get to work. Leo should wake up in an hour or so. I need to go update the hazmat suits just in case we are needed in the med-bay sometime in the next week or so. April, Junior, I’ll need you to follow me so I can get your measurements; I’ll get some suits made for you two as well, to be safe.”

With that, they walked off, Donnie chatting away about things they would need and giving them more details on Leo. Raph looked down at Mikey, who was just staring out into space, one arm wrapped loosely around Raph while the other was tucked into his chest. Then, he looked over at their dad and was surprised to find him already looking at Raph.

“My son… I am sorry.”

Raph gave him a half shrug. “Raph gets it, Pops… probably more than you think. But… man.” He felt his throat starting to close, his eyes starting to water. His bad eye itched again. “Dad… dad, we really miss you. We really need you.”

Splinter’s face crumpled and he came over to stand by Raph’s knee. He buried his soft, furry face into the spiny, scaly skin of his leg and wrapped one arm around it, the other settling gently on Mikey’s thigh. “I am sorry… I’m sorry. I was… I am so afraid of losing you boys. But, I let that fear keep me from helping you. I thought… I thought you boys were doing better. That was foolish of me. I’m sorry.”

“Dad,” Mikey whispered, moving so that he could grab their father’s hand. “You are not alone. Remember? There’s no need to apologize anymore.”

You are not alone, Raph. We are not alone. Raph thought to himself, slowly inching forward so he could put a large hand on their father’s head.

Still, he whispered. “I am sorry, my sons.”

Leo’s voice echoed in his head though, an ever present weight of his first couple weeks in recovery. It was calling from the depths of his memory, triggered now by their father’s words.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry.” Leo gasped, tears pooling in his eyes but never falling.

“For what, Leo?” Raph gently held his brother’s hand as he tried to ride out another fever. It had been coming and going ever since he’d woken up, and the fevers made Leo more loopy and unsettled than if he were just on painkillers. Everyone was asleep and Raph was on watch duty, so he’d been here when Leo had jolted upright in the hospital bed, gasping and swiping at his chest. It had taken a while for his brother to get his bearings, and now he was laying down again, looking defeated.

“So tired. It hurts. It hurts, Raphie.” He winced, tears finally escaping.

“Where does it hurt, Leo? Do you want more medicine?” Raph let Leo squeeze his hand as hard as he needed to. He would be patient. He would be vigilant. His brother was not getting away from him again.

“It just hurts, Raph.” Leo was fully crying now, even as his eyes slipped shut. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”

He’d fallen asleep, and Raph had been left to ponder exactly what Leo was trying to apologize for. He’d saved the world. He’d saved them. And yeah, Raph was upset that he’d tried to leave them all behind just to ensure such a victory was possible, but they’d managed to bring him back. So, why apologize?

Raph understood now. He understood as he watched their father dip his head and cry, too, what it had meant; what Leo had meant.

Sometimes, living was so much harder than dying.

Chapter Text

Leo was in an ocean of absolute silence. The noise in his head was finally gone; there was only blissful quiet. No more, no more, no more noise, just like he wanted.

He was so tired. He couldn’t breathe. Where was he again? Well, at least his head wasn’t buzzing, spitting at him in fury and regret and grief. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Leo was doing a mental check on his physical state. His shell, his ribs, his leg… they didn’t hurt. He… he didn’t hurt.

He felt something wrap around him, tugging him up, up, up. Warm air cupped his face, but it was a ghost of a feeling against the cozy dark space he was floating in. There were voices though, distant and faint, but reaching for him. They made him feel safe.

He still couldn’t breathe. Everything was so dark… he just wanted to sleep. He just wanted to sleep. He just… wanted… nothing… let him…

“C’mo – ttle broth – ough up that nas – ea water. Wak – up.”

Raph. That was Raph. Ever present, ever vigilant, always his rock. Always holding the family up. Why couldn’t Leo do that? He’d been selfish again, focusing on what was going on in his head, in his dreams, instead of focusing on his family. Why was he doing this? Where was he?

Something was coming up and out of him, and suddenly air was trying to fight its way into his lungs. He turned on his side and coughed, water and bile leaving him in a steady stream. Someone was touching his shell. The salt water burned his throat, but there was still more he needed to get out.

Those voices… he knew them. He knew that large hand and gentle touch. He knew those voices and presences like he knew nothing else.

His brothers.

They were here.

He sat up too fast, pain barreling into him. He was still at the beach. What were they doing here?!

Donnie’s voice was piercing his skull. Leo told him to relax, or at least, he tried to. He was coughing up residual liquids again, searing his body and leaving him aching and cold. Something wasn’t right. He was desperately grasping at his medical knowledge, but he was still too disoriented to think. Donnie was still screeching, and he couldn’t think. He… he just needed a minute. He just…

When had Raph picked him up? He sounded mad; Leo hated when he was mad. He struggled in his hold, wanting to look him in the face, wanting to explain that something wasn’t right, but Raph told him to “knock it off”, so he obeyed. He was so cold, even with the sun on his face, even in the firm embrace of Raph’s arm. His brothers were quiet, and after a while, he heard the telltale beeps and whirs of the Turtle Tank opening its hatch to let them in. He was carried in and set on the newly installed, fold-down medical cot. Donnie was talking again. They all were. He couldn’t concentrate… couldn’t seem to wake up even though his eyes were open. Something was wrong.

Then again, he’d apparently almost drowned. Somewhere in his mind he knew there were repercussions to nearly drowning as well as swallowing sea water the way he had.

Donnie was looking for materials. Leo had forgotten to put everything back in the little drawers near the cot. Yeah… yeah, they were at home, in the med-bay. He’d meant to restock the Tank but… they hadn’t gone anywhere in it for a long time, so it had slipped his mind.

He was cold.

Someone was preventing him from putting on his hoodie. It was Donnie, voice full of stress as his hands grasped at the fabric that was already halfway over Leo’s body. “No, no, I don’t think so! Leave it off, I need to look over your injuries!”

Why? Donnie couldn’t do anything until they got home. He just wanted to get warm. It didn’t normally take this long to warm up on such a nice, early autumn day, so why was he so freaking cold? He wanted the big heat lamp they kept stored away back home. They hadn’t used it in a while… it would be nice to take a nap under it.

Yeah, maybe a nap would help.

Donnie had left at some point, allowing Leo the chance to fully put on his jacket. He had his arms pulled tight around himself, trying to hold in his own body heat the best he could. He was trying to string together his symptoms through the hazy, half-awareness of his brain, and was coming up with dumb things like a cold or maybe the flu. There was no way this was just a cold. Something else was wrong…

They hit a bump and Leo winced as the movement jerked the bottom lip of his shell, pulling at the place where the crack was. It was then, as Donnie was coming back, that it all clicked into place in his head. He lifted his head to tell his brother when he realized the Tank’s engine was no longer running, but it felt like it was. Everything was moving and tilting, and his head felt like it was floating loose above his shoulders as he looked up at his brothers.

Why did they look so worried? Was he talking? He… he thought he said something. His tongue felt heavy and slow, but he had to tell them. He had to tell them about his shell. He had to let them know what to do so that it didn’t get worse. Donnie… Donnie could handle this. He’d be furious, but he knew he could tell his twin and trust that he’d figure out what to do the fastest. He’d been doing so well with the medical stuff, been working so hard, while Leo had just… stopped being useful. When had that happened, too? Had he learned nothing from the fight against the… the…

Not now. Don’t think about it. Absolutely do not think about it. He was standing, leaning heavily into his purple brother and trying to get his mouth to work. Tell Donnie. Tell him before you pass out. You’re gonna pass out; warn them first. He could feel the tension returning in his twin’s body, could hear the way Mikey’s voice pinched with worry, could smell Raph’s fear stink. He almost laughed, though he wasn’t sure why. None of this was funny.

His shell hurt.

He hoped he told Donnie. He hoped the little he was able to get out of his mouth was enough for his brothers to go on. He was passing out, trying to lift his arms to wrap around Don, to not fall, but he was too weak. He hoped they caught him. He hoped they didn’t hate him for this. He was sick of feeling like a screw up. He just wanted to not hurt.

He just wanted to not hurt.

Leo was warm.

His bones felt weighted and achy, but he was so pleasantly warm. Was he outside still? No… no, there was the faint beep of a heart monitor. His senses slowly spread through his body, stretching lazily from his head to his feet. He could smell disinfectant and medicine, and he felt the firm, old mattress beneath him while a thin, soft blanket covered his legs. His head was snugly pressed against a lavender-scented pillow, and he breathed it in, finding a bit of comfort in the familiarity of it.

He tried to move, but felt like he was moving through thick mud, and the effort of opening his eyes was almost too much. He was laying on his side, one arm tucked against him and the other slung partially off the side of the bed. He was so heavy.

Leo tried to open his mouth but his jaw felt locked, so he attempted to make any kind of sound. He felt like he couldn’t move. He didn’t want to panic, but his mind went right to… then.

The air was frigid and dead and gray and empty. He couldn’t move back then, either. He’d been too tired… too relieved that his plan had worked for once. His mystic energy – and his regular energy – was drained, right down to his bones. The Kraang was shouting, its eyes and voice downright venomous and hateful. “You’ve ruined everything!”

The heart monitor began beeping faster. Leo wasn’t sure exactly where he was. He felt warmth on his back, but inside he was chilled. His ribs ached, his leg burned with the phantom slice of Kraang’s metal claws and fists. Was it real; had any of it been real? No… no, where was he? Where were his brothers?! Were they safe?!

His breathing sped up and he tried to move, but he was still too heavy, something in his blood dragging invisible weights through him. He was still too weak.

There were suddenly gentle hands upon his carapace, rubbing in slow, firm circles. Then, there was a gentle voice reaching through the buzzing and roaring of his own blood. That was a sign he was alive, right? That was a sign he’d made it out. Nothing else would touch him so gently in a place so vile.

“Everything is okay, my son.” The voice reached him in the fog. Dad. It’s his dad. Relief floods his body, and he melts under the warm touch of his father’s long fingers. He feels his breathing start to level out and his father continues the movement. “That’s much better, Leonardo. No need to worry. I am here.”

He’s safe. He’s home. He never has to go to that place again. He had been so scared… he’d known he was going to die. He had known he wasn’t ever going to see his family again. But no… no this was his home. He could see his family right now, if he wanted to. Then why was he still… why was he… where was he?

The hand on his shell stilled and he heard the safe, familiar voice calling for someone, concern in their words. A response came from somewhere above his head, as if through a speaker. He… he knew that voice too. The flat, seemingly bored tone, underlined with the telltale sounds of sleeplessness, filled the room.

“He’s just really loopy right now, dad. Just… keep him comfortable.” Donnie said. “He’ll probably fall back asleep soon. If he tells you he’s hurting, press that little red button to give him more morphine.”

No… no he couldn’t sleep. Why would Donnie want him to sleep? Not when danger could strike at any moment. He hadn’t killed the Kraang; no, Leo had only trapped them. They could find a way out… they could kill everyone without a second thought. They wouldn’t toy around next time, Leo just knew it. They’d kill everyone slowly and purposefully; they’d kill his three brothers first and save him for last, if only to watch him break apart. If only for revenge. He had to be ready.

They had to be ready.

What had he been doing this whole time? Moping? Some leader he was. He had to train, had to get up and get out and find any and all Kraang that might be left and destroy them before they hurt his family.

Leo wanted to lift his head, wanted to see his brothers. He had to make sure they were safe. The urgent feeling grew and grew and grew until he was practically clawing at the mattress, his fingernails catching on the sheets, his teeth grinding, his legs shifting under him as he tried to get some leverage.

“Future Boy, I need your help.” His father was calling… calling for… Casey Jr.? Why would he need Casey? Why wasn’t he looking for his sons, for Leo’s brothers?! They could be in danger! Was Case in danger too? Why was his dad focused on him?

Another warm hand landed softly on Leo, this time on his shoulder. Then, a familiar face came into view as they crouched beside the bed, blurred by sleep and whatever other thing was dragging through Leo’s veins as he tried to get his vision to focus. He saw raven-dark hair and gentle, dark eyes that held way too much pain in them. Leo watched as the boy gave a small, sad smile.

“Please calm down, Leonardo. You’re not alone. We’ll take care of you, okay?”

Finally, he could move his jaw. Finally, he could speak. He wasn’t sure why, but the first words he managed, and the only thing he found himself able to think or say was, “This… isn’t about… me.”

It was like all the air left the room at how still and quiet they became. Even the light in Casey’s eyes seemed to leave, face pinching as if he were in pain; as if someone had slapped him. Leo wasn’t sure why he looked so upset. It was just the truth.

He weakly lifted one heavy, three fingered hand and let it thump over Casey’s, where it was now tightening its grip on his shoulder. “My… brothers…”

“They are okay, Leonardo.” Splinter answered gently, hand back to rubbing its slow, wide circles on Leo’s shell. “Just rest, my son.”

His throat hurt, but he forced himself to talk. He had to know, he had to know. “Wh-where… is… Raph?”

“He’s in the living room.” Casey’s voice was soft and sad, turning his palm up so he could hold Leo’s hand. He was so warm, like April. It felt nice, but still unfamiliar. He wondered where his sister was. He hoped she was okay… he should ask.

“April?”

“At home.”

“Mikey?”

“Living room.”

“Donnie?”

“His lab, right now.”

There was a slight buzz in the air before he heard Donnie. “I’m keeping watch, Nardo, just from a distance. I’m… we are okay.”

Leo hated how Donnie’s voice sounded strained, as if he were speaking around a lump in his throat. As if he were upset. Why was he upset? He bet it was something he did again; Leo was always messing things up for his family. But he couldn’t admit that, not out loud. He wouldn’t. Instead, he tried to turn over so his arm tucked under and into his side would stop tingling.

He was met with near agonizing pain, making him jerk back down onto his plastron as he hissed. His own weight pressed into his rib cage, squeezing his very obviously still bruised ribs. Casey had let go of Leo’s hand at the movement, while Splinter placed both his small, spindly hands firmly on Leo’s back.

“You cannot move like that yet, my son. You need a couple hours under this lamp before we move you onto your back or other side.”

A memory pressed at the edge of his mind, and he reached for it, feeling his eye ridges scrunch as he closed his eyes and tried to remember. What happened to me? What happened… think, Leo, come on.

Donnie’s voice filled the room again. “You have… an infection, Leo. When you are less drugged up, we will have a talk about it. For now, you need to rest. Dad and Casey have you.”

The ugly thing inside of him said matter of factly; almost smugly. You cause them nothing but trouble. You did this to yourself and here they are, saving you again. He shook his head, and was vaguely aware of it looking like he was resisting his family and his brothers. In a way, he guessed he was. But it was more than that… it was always more than that. You may have saved the world, but you cannot save yourself. You are a failure.

No… no I fought back. I did what I was meant to do. I saved my brothers. I learned my lesson. I can… I can be a good leader… a good brother.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It would have been better if —

He pressed his face hard into the pillow, pushing his hands underneath it too so they wouldn’t see how hard he was clenching his fists. “Shut up.” He whimpered into the cotton. “Shut up, shut up, shut up.”

“Leonardo?” Casey’s voice was so gentle. So unbearably gentle. He didn’t deserve someone so kind right now.

His shell hurt. His ribs hurt. His heart —

He turned his face in the opposite direction of Casey to look at his dad instead. His father’s expression was so crestfallen and aged. His eyes were filled with a questioning grief and… something akin to understanding that Leo couldn’t bear to look at. He motioned with his head toward the red button.

“Morphine.”

Splinter’s face looked even sadder. In that exact moment, Leo was positive his father saw right through him, and it made him all the more desperate for the pain to go away. “Leo —”

“Please.”

His father pushed the button and Leo felt the pain in his body fade until he was back in the blissful embrace of unconsciousness.

The prison dimension was brutally vacant of life. Even as he attempted his newly minted catchphrase, even as he flashed one last classic Leo Grin, he felt his life force being drained with each passing second.

He hit hard floating debris, skipping across the surface as if he were no more than a stone. Maybe he was destined to this; to be thrown and kicked and beat through his life until he inevitably died young. Maybe he knew somewhere deep down that he was merely a pawn in the game of life. He almost wanted to laugh. If only the wind hadn’t been knocked clean out of him.

Kraang was coming. Leo knew they would never stop. He knew Kraang sought vengeance now. He knew his shell cracked against the hard wall as he slammed into it and he felt his exhaustion deep down in his soul. He wanted to fight but… was there even a point now? He’d saved his family and he’d saved the world. He was dead on his feet — a dark humor that makes him crack a smile to himself — so fighting felt like a moot point. Kraang couldn’t get back to Leo’s home, Leo’s planet, if they tried.

But neither could Leo, for that matter. No, he was doomed to face this until his body gave out or Kraang got bored. He began to hope… he began to —

Kraang was balling his fists and then Leo saw white and tasted blood, his head snapping to the side and his jaw humming with the hit. He couldn’t open his eyes as blow after blow landed. He felt his skin tear, heard bones snap in his rib cage, heard himself cry out in a pain his body felt but his mind could not hang on to. They were falling, and his already damaged shell hit another hard surface, the Kraang landing right on top of him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. He was caught between just wanting it to be over and wanting to be saved. Dying like this was honorable, right? It would redeem him, right?

That’s what it means to be a hero.

He was so scared. So scared. They’d miss him. They loved him. Maybe now they hated him. Maybe that was for the best. He’d deserve it. He’d deserve it all, but at least they were safe. He’d do it for them over and over again. He’d do anything… anything… even this.

Even this.

Kraang was leaning his weight into Leo’s chest, squeezing and pressing the life from him. He tried to focus instead on his hand and the worn paper he held onto so tightly. He just… just… one more look… one more —

Hovering, seething, screaming, killing, wretched, wretched, wretched little —

Someone was screaming.

Leo was being held down and someone was shouting over the screams, trying to say something. He had to get up, he had to get up.

What if that was Mikey screaming? What if it was Donnie? Raph… he couldn’t lose Raph again. He had to check; he had to see. Why couldn’t his eyes focus? Why couldn’t he move?

Let me go, let me go! My brothers, my family, they’re in danger!

“No one is in danger!” A voice shouted from somewhere to his right. They sounded young; male. He knew that voice. He knew somewhere through the fog of his slowed blood that this person had given and lost so much just to be here.

Someone was angry. Shouting. Leo’s throat hurt, his vocal chords raw from a strain he didn’t remember putting them through.

Can’t let them near my brothers. Not strong enough. I have to protect them. I have to keep them safe!

Another voice cuts through the fog. “They are safe, Leo! Please, calm down, your brothers are home! We are all home!”

He knows that other voice, too, and he tips his head to see her. His sister is here, but there’s something off about her. He can’t place it right now. He can’t think right now.

He’s aware that maybe he’s speaking. Maybe he’s the one screaming and on the verge of outright sobbing and begging. Begging for his brothers, begging for his home, begging for it to end.

Leo tries to breathe; tries to stop jerking against the two pairs of hands settled firmly on his shoulders and hips. He tries to bite the words out more coherently air hisses in and out of him. “W-where? I want t-to see them. Where a-are they?”

There’s a sigh of relief as his body begins to relax. Leo tries to contain the anxious, panicked energy racing through his system. He’ll wait; he’ll bide his time. Leo already knows they won’t let him see his brothers. He can sense it in their body language, in the quick look they shoot at one another. He’ll wait.

April let’s go first, surprising Leo enough to make him hesitate. But in the next moment, even as he feel’s the boy’s hands tighten and a cry of worry leave his mouth, Leo is bolting.

He doesn’t make it far. Future kid is fast — what’s his name again? — and has Leo in a firm restraint from behind within seconds. Leo sees now that the exit is extended funny, that there’s weird tarp and tech forming a makeshift corridor, and that he’s locked in here. He struggles as hard as he can against… Casey, yes, that’s his name. Casey, Casey, Casey Jr.

His fault.

No… no, it’s your fault what happened to Raph. Your fault that Case is even here, because in the future, you failed.

“Leo, please!” Casey begs, and his voice sounds tired and sad and angry. Tired like Donnie. Sad like Mikey. Angry like Raph. Leo’s always hurting them even though he loves them. He loves them, why can’t they understand that that’s why he does what he does?!

“Leo, please! I can’t lose you again!”

But what was left to lose?

Leo suddenly can’t fight anymore. The little burst of speed and strength he had is gone, and he is slumping down, down, down, into Casey’s body. April is there too; he sees her more clearly now, her brows furrowed with concern and sadness that Leo hates to see. She’s always been so bright, like a shining star in their home. She’s always been a person he could rely on to help not only himself, but his brothers. His dad. Casey. His world.

She gave so much for them, all the time. He didn’t want to take any more from her. He wanted to give back. But Leo didn’t know how, he didn’t know how, and it was killing him. She deserved better friends. She was a true Hamato, clean through to her soul.

April has a clean rag folded up in her hand, and Leo just stares at her, trying not to choke on the emotions forming in his chest. Casey adjusts his grip so Leo is sitting between his outstretched legs on the ground, his sore shell leaning back into the kid’s stomach. Casey sighs, one gloved hand moving to Leo’s forearm and holding it steady as April crouches in front of them both..

He sees the blood, then, as April’s eyes land on Leo’s arm. He must’ve ripped out something… something… an IV, it looks like. He’d ripped it out when he ran. He’s in the med-bay, he realizes with sudden clarity. But he says nothing as April presses the rag to the wound inside the skin of his elbow. Her other hand comes up to cup his cheek, her eyes never leaving his face, and the gesture is so tender that he knows he definitely wouldn’t be able to speak now if he wanted to.

They sit on the floor like that for a while. Casey just holds Leo’s arm gently, while April’s keeps pressure on the wound. Casey has let go of Leo’s other arm from where it had been looped through to restrain him, and is now using that free hand to help keep them propped upright. April is still rubbing slow, gentle strokes across Leo’s cheeks, his forehead, the back of his neck, all things that she knows help soothe him.

Leo is barely aware of the sound of someone sniffling somewhere behind him, but also somewhere all around him. He can’t tell who it is; the sound is too faint. He doesn’t think it’s him… he hopes it’s not. He can’t cry after everything. Leo has to be strong for his brothers.

I have… to be stronger.

April leans forward then and plants a gentle kiss on the top of Leo’s head. “C’mon, Baby Blue, let’s get you back in bed. Can you get up?”

Leo considers for a moment before shrugging. He isn’t sure. Casey hooks his arms under Leo’s though, adjusting his legs back under him so he can lift them into a stand, while April takes both of Leo’s hands and pulls up and back. Between the two of them, they easily get Leo to his feet and help him back toward the bed he’d been laying in. There’s a small trail of blood spatters on the edge of the mattress, while the IV tube dangles from its metal and plastic stand.

He doesn’t want to look at it.

They get him back in the bed and Leo just turns on his side and closes his eyes, not hearing the other things Case and April say. He’s afraid of their judgment, even after everything they’ve been through. He’s afraid their gentle behavior stemmed from fear and not love.

He wishes Raph were there to hug him. He wishes Donnie would tell him how annoying he is while being ever so gentle in helping him off the floor or onto the bed. He wishes Mikey would offer to lend his weight and extra warmth once he was settled back down, so he wouldn’t be alone.

Alone.

Alone.

“Outmatched and alone.”

He squeezes his eyes shut harder and curls into himself, wishing he could hide inside his shell and stay there. He attempts to pull his arms and legs in, but it hurts too much to try.

He’s cold. He whimpers. He hears April coo soft, soothing words near his head before her warm hand begins to rub gently along the back of his head. Someone has brought the heat lamp back. Someone is touching the sore spot on his shell, and he wants to squirm away, but April tells him it’s almost over. She tells him he’s safe with her. He believes her.

He’s cold.

He’s warm.

He’s so sorry.

“It’s okay, Leo.” April says quietly, gently, letting him squeeze her other hand as the pain in his shell grows under the pressure someone is applying there. “Casey is just finishing cleaning it, okay? It’ll help you feel better.”

Leo just nods. He wants to see his brothers so badly. Why aren’t they here? He wants to know that they don’t hate him for this… for any of it. He loves them so much, he knows he upset them… he just… doesn’t want them to hate him.

“Just sleep, Leonardo.” Casey’s voice is so weary for a kid his age. Leo guesses that’s what they all must sound like lately. “I’m done. Just get some rest.”

He nods again. He wants to get his mouth to work before he falls asleep. He doesn’t know what to say; there’s so much he needs to tell them, and so much he never wants them to know. Suddenly, he aches for Donnie to be here so he can sign to him what he feels right now; his mouth isn’t working anymore but his hands can still work.

He feels a new IV enter the back of his left hand — one of his least favorite spots — and winces a bit. Not soon after, there’s a soft hiss, a beep, and unconsciousness is pulling him down.

There’s a trickle of fear trying to claw at him again. Leo can still hear the clicks and clangs of that metal suit. He can still see the single red eye floating above two yellow ones. He knows they wait for him to slip up just long enough to end things. He knows… he knows…

Leo keeps his eyes on April and, just before he falls asleep, he whispers, “Don’t… leave me… with them.”

The darkness washes over him once more.

Chapter Text

Mikey couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand hearing Leo’s screams again, or the way Donnie had silent tears streaming down his face as he stared at the projected screen of the med bay, or how broken Raph looked. He couldn’t stand it, so he shot to his feet and ran out of the room, not acknowledging Raph as he called after him.

He didn’t know where he was running to. All he knew was he needed out. He was bursting into the tunnel outside their home, yanking open the door to the stairs, and taking them two at a time until he was shouldering open the metal door at the top. New York was starting to get the chill bite of autumn in the evening air, and it was a welcome feeling after how suffocating it had felt down there.

Mikey kept moving, climbing hard and fast up the fire escape of an abandoned building just outside the entrance of their home. Reaching the top, he finally let himself collapse to his knees and try to catch his breath. He knew one of his brothers would come after him, eventually, but he hoped they gave him some space for a few minutes.

Honestly, he’s surprised they hadn’t chased him right away. Then again, with what was happening with Leo…

Ugh.

Mikey leans back onto his hands with a shaky sigh, letting his legs stretch out in front of him. He tips his head to look up at the half-covered moon above him. The city lights weren’t quite as blinding out here, but it was still hard to see the stars, especially on cloudy or full moon nights. This rooftop helped him process his feelings, most of the time. He often found himself up here with paper and pencil to doodle or write, or a bag full of paints and blank canvases that he’d set out all over the floor. But tonight, he just needed air.

Time passes, and Mikey’s not sure just how much of it does. He still hasn’t… calmed down. His eyes never leave the sky, and he’s hyper-aware of his breathing, which he tries not to focus on even as his mind zeroes in on it. He does his best to try other things to take his mind off of it. Wiggles his fingers and toes, slides his hands along the rough surface beneath his palms, tugs on the tails of his bandana, chews on the inside of his cheek, and rocks back and forth until he feels like he might go mad.

A strangled sound leaves him and he leans forward sharply, letting his palms push hard into the concrete as he drags them forward and back between his legs. It isn’t until his skin starts to feel like it’s burning that he stops, even though his breathing seems to be hitching more and more. The bandages around his fingers are torn now, frayed white strings sticking up around his fingers. He sees the tiniest bit of blood and, unsure why, huffs a mirthless laugh. Then another, and another, until he feels actually insane. He hates this feeling.

He hates this, he hates this, he just wants things to go back to how they were!

What is happening to me… to us?

“Mikey?”

He can’t help it when he jumps, or how he nearly falls on his side as he spins around to see who’s there. The large, hulking form of Raph shadows top of the fire escape ladder, and Mikey faintly wonders how he’d managed to climb up that rickety thing without either breaking it or making a ton of noise.

“Raph!”

“Hey… I just wanted to check on y– oh my god, are you bleeding?!”

Mikey is instinctively tucking his hands under his thighs, trying to look as normal as he can. He’s so aware of his quick breathing, and he tries to slow it down. “I’m fine, just cut my hand a little on the fire escape, but it’s just a scrape. I’ll be okay.”

Raph just looks at him as he steps onto the rooftop, stepping forward until he’s sitting cross-legged across from Mikey. Without a word, he holds out his hand expectantly, and Mikey doesn’t know why he obliges. He knows Raph would mother-hen him to death even on the best of days, but this feels different somehow. Slowly, he pulls his hands out from under his thighs and sets them gently in Raph’s, palms up.

His big brother just gently begins to unwrap Mikey’s now ruined and dirty bandages, his touch gentle and cautious. Mikey still feels like he can’t breathe, and it’s almost as if he’s trying not to scare Raph off with the way he’s holding all the air in his body as tightly as he can.

“Breathe, Mikey.” Raph says softly, his eyes still on Mikey’s hands.

So he does. He takes breath after breath, letting himself have the shallow breaths before the deep ones. He feels himself start to calm down as Raph’s large hands finish unwrapping and cutting the dirty parts of the bandages. He just lets Mikey’s hands lay there in his palms, taking in the newly scraped skin and looking sad, tired, and… something else. Afraid? Tender? Mikey is good at reading people, especially their emotions, yet he can’t figure out what Raph is thinking or feeling right now. Maybe it’s because things were too mixed, too complicated, and all of them were literally a mess right now.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Raph finally asks, breaking the quiet between them.

Mikey stares down at their hands and shrugs. “I just… it was too much.”

Raph nods, his fingers tightening gently. “I understand. It was… a lot.”

Suddenly, Mikey is fighting back tears, and his voice trembles. “H-he was screaming, Raph. He h-hasn’t done that s-since… and the things he w-was saying…”

“Yeah.” Raph whispered tightly, brow furrowing in pain. Then, ever so gently, he tugged Mikey forward. He let his oldest brother pull him forward until Raph was wrapping his arms around the smaller turtle. It was like being swallowed in half-warmth and pointy edges, but Mikey melted into it. He felt his arms pulling into his shell, followed quickly by his legs, until it was just his head pressed to his brother’s chest.

“It’ll be okay, Mike.” Raph mumbled, his large arms fully enveloping Mikey’s shell as he set his chin on the top of Mikey’s head. “He’s gonna be okay.”

“B-but he isn’t… right now.”

“Yeah, right now. But… none of us are, I think.” He rubs his chin against Mikey’s scalp, which makes Mikey close his eyes. A part of him wants to sleep now. If he was being honest, he’d forgotten how nice Raph’s full-body hugs felt; it had been a long time since Raph had held him like this.

“Mikey?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to talk about you? Not Leo, not Donnie, not me… just you.”

He didn’t respond for a long time. How was he supposed to answer? Mikey felt like he couldn’t tell Raph the truth because Mikey wasn’t even sure what the truth was. He… he had been trying to pinpoint a name to the emotions he was feeling, but they were moving too fast, moving too closely together, for him to make heads or tails of them. In the end, it left him feeling both incredibly overwhelmed and horrifyingly empty.

“I… don’t know.” Mikey pressed his cheek harder into Raph’s hard plastron. “I don’t know.”

Raph just nodded. He continued to hold Mikey, and was now rocking slowly from side to side. Now Mikey really wanted to sleep. He let his eyes slip closed, let the sound of Raph’s breathing and the distant sounds of city life lull him. He was so comfortable. His big brother’s arms always felt the safest, and Mikey knew he’d be just fine if Raph had him.

So, after a few minutes, he let sleep take him, feeling the press of a kiss on the top of his head as he did so.

The soft sound of talking wakes him up. He’s not sure how long he was asleep for, but he’s distinctly aware of the fact that he’s in his room. He can hear his dad, April, and Raph, and even though they aren’t speaking loudly, their voices carry in the unusual quiet of the Lair.

“He… I don’t think he’s gonna be talking for a few days.” Raph says, his voice wobbly.

April sniffs, and Mikey can tell right away she’s been crying. “So, he heard all that, huh?”

“Yeah… he uhh… he had a meltdown.” Raph’s voice cracks and he stops talking.

Splinter also sniffs, the sound much more weary and heartbroken somehow. “I… I will take care of Purple. I’ll make sure he at least eats, but we should give him space. April, if you’re able –”

“I’ll help.” She says instantly, sniffing again. “If you’re busy with Leo I’ll help with Donnie.”

“Thank you, April.” Splinter sighs.

Mikey lifts himself from his hammock and rubs his eyes. His mask was gone, and he decided to just leave it off. It was too much of a pain to think about anything right now other than “see your family”, “make sure they’re okay”, “they’re probably hungry, figure out dinner”.

Swinging his legs over the side of the hammock, he stands slowly, letting his body stretch out, small pops traveling along his joints and muscles. He makes his way to the door, which was left open a crack, and pushes it open. The noise draws the attention of his family, and they all turn to look at him.

April’s eyes are swollen and red, stray tears still tracking down her cheeks here and there. Her hair has been released from the silk bonnet she’d worn earlier to go into the med bay, and has been placed back in a single, fluffy bun on the top of her head. She has one of their fuzzy blankets draped around her shoulders, her hands keeping it tucked around her. Mikey instantly knows she probably just got done having a breakdown.

Raph is still sniffling but looking more tired than sad. His shoulders are slumped and his head is tucked down, as if he’s trying hard to make himself smaller. He’s pressing his fingers together in a pulsing rhythm, and Mikey knows he’s anxious, too. It’s obvious too, that he’s been rubbing his bad eye; it looks swollen even under the mask.

Their dad… Mikey almost can’t look at their dad. He looks like he’s aged twenty years over the course of the last few months. His shoulders are slumped down and forward, his back bent in a way that makes him look like he can barely stand, and his eyes are so heartbroken. Not for the first time, Mikey thinks that his dad never fully recovered from all of it; his childhood, the Shredder, the past. For him to have almost lost two of his sons, and then to spend nearly fifteen minutes believing one of them had died… Mikey could relate to some of it, but not all of it. None of them could.

And now he seemed to be watching them all fall apart.

He pushes those thoughts away and raises one hand, waving weakly. “Hey guys… sorry I took a nap. Uhm… are you guys hungry?”

April moves first, steps quick and light and she scoops Mikey into her arms and hugs him tight, half wrapping the blanket around them both. He returns the hug, but not as tightly, feeling… awkward, for some reason. April doesn’t seem to mind though, and she gives him another squeeze and steps back. “Are you okay?”

“Uhhh… well, I guess as ‘okay’ as any of us are right now?” He manages something like a half-smile before looking back around the room. “Hey, where’s Case?”

Raph and Splinter looked between each other and April’s hands rubbed down Mikey’s arms. “He… uhhh… he’s still in the med-bay with Leo. He needed some time alone, he said.”

Mikey understood, but it was like his mind was moving in slow motion. The things he’d overheard before leaving his room seemed to finally be connecting, little alarm bells going off in his head as he stared in the direction of the basement’s entrance. “I… I think I missed something? Where… or, why did Donnie have a meltdown? He’s handled Leo like… like that before.”

Raph looked surprised. “You don’t… you don’t remember?”

Mikey winced at the memory. “I mean… I know Leo was screaming?”

Realization came over Raph. “I didn’t… I thought you heard more than you did.”

“What happened?” Mikey steps away from April and closer to his dad and brother. No one says anything and Mikey hates that it feels like they’re all trying to baby him right now. Like they’re considering lying to him to spare his feelings. He feels a sudden, ugly wave of fury shoot through him. “What the hell happened?! Tell me the truth.”

Raph drags a hand down his face, looking like he could lay down where he is and sleep for a whole year. “It would… be easier to show you than tell you, but we need Donnie’s access code and —”

“Raph,” Mikey presses down hard on the inside of one arm, trying to stabilize the rage in his body. He can't blow up, not now; it isn’t the time. He’d prefer it was never the time. “I heard… some of what he said. About… being in pain. Wanting them to let him go. That he didn’t want us hurt. But I… I couldn’t… look, it doesn’t matter. What did Leo say that would set Donnie off that badly?”

They all look between each other again before Mikey hears April start crying behind him again. Shocked, he turns and sees her trying to wipe at her already swollen eyes while keeping the blanket tucked around her. “Mikey he… I don’t know exactly what happened to him but… I don’t think… he… he didn’t want to come back.”

His hands start to tremble again. The shake becomes more violent as he stares at her, and he wraps his arms tightly around himself as he tries to keep from shaking apart. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know —”

“April, please, please tell me he didn’t… he didn’t want that, did he?” Mikey digs his fingernails into his sides, knowing he can’t stop these vibrations once they start. He is desperately trying to keep from having another panic attack. “He was on morphine, right? He… he always says stuff he doesn’t mean or remember when he’s medicated like that.”

“Michelangelo.” Splinter is beside Mikey now, reaching up to touch one of his elbows and beckons him to sit on the floor. Mikey does, slowly, staring instead at his father now. He sits in front of Mikey, takes a very long, deep breath, and lets it back out. Mikey isn’t sure he’s breathing at all, to be honest. “Your brother… he’s very sick.”

What?

“I know.” Mikey could hear the confusion in his own voice, eyes flicking up at Raph and April. “He has shell rot.”

Splinter was shaking his head, and Mikey could hear, he could see, how his dad’s face betrayed his next words as familiarity and not just fact. “No. Not just like that. He’s sick in here, and in here.”

He tapped a finger to Mikey’s chest and head, the touch light and steady. Mikey couldn’t move, his arms still tightly squeezing around him. “You mean his nightmares and stuff?”

His dad hummed in affirmation, now holding his spindly hands out between them, palms up. “To an extent, yes. I would say it’s… what’s the term? A stress disorder or something. We must proceed with caution so no one gets hurt, and so we can help him recover.”

Mikey looked at his dad’s open hands for a moment, knowing what Splinter wanted but afraid to untuck his hands from his sides. The child in him wanted to let his father hold his hands. He wanted the attention his father was freely offering to him right now. But… he couldn’t let them know.

The other two were talking to each other but none of the words were reaching him. They sounded like they were half arguing about something, then sighing, then asking him a question. Mikey couldn’t focus on them right now. He couldn’t let them see how bad it was becoming… how the outside was healing but the inside was not. How could their dad not see, not understand? They were all reflections of one another – his family – all broken and pieced together with gold, but their insides were empty. He was empty.

Mikey was hollow, yet overflowing, breaking apart, but still in one piece. The pit inside him yawned wide, the shadows of everything he’d ever done biting at his ankles, his calves, his stomach, inch by horrible inch, swallowing him whole.

My family is here. I should feel whole. Why do I feel so —

He feels the moment the numbness floods over him. His arms are still shaking when he stands up, ignoring his fathers outstretched hands, which seems to shock everyone. But Mikey… Mikey doesn’t know how they can let this keep happening. If Leo is sick, then they need to help him; he’s family.

If he… if Leo wanted… if he didn’t want Mikey to save him… then what had it all been for?

He shakes his head sharply once, twice, then looks around the room… and smiles. “Guys, why are you all so somber? Leo will bounce back, he always does. We just have to help him get there. I’ll do some research to see what the best course of action is, moving forward.”

Everyone is staring at him. Why? He’s just doing what needs to be done, to do what no one else seems to be doing. He’s going to help his brother. He’s going to fix what’s broken so they can feel whole again. Maybe it’ll fix this weird, howling emptiness in his heart.

Raph speaks first. “Are you sure you got enough sleep little man?”

Don’t get mad, don’t get mad. “I did. I feel much more rested.”

“Did… you hear what we asked you?”

He tried to remember. He didn’t want them to worry. So he laughed and rubbed his arms, finally feeling like he could release his tight hold around himself. “Nah, I was spaced out for a second! Was thinking about how to help Leo.”

“Mike —”

“Raph, really, don’t worry. It's just… been a long day. All of us have been through it lately and I know I've been weird. Just… let’s eat dinner together, okay? I think if we all eat, we’ll feel better.” With a smile and a lazy wave, he turned and made his way toward the kitchen. “I’ll make something for Leo, too.”

He tried not to run. He tried not to think about the fact that Leo had said something that broke Donnie enough to make him shut down like that… to make April cry like that. His brother and dad looked so exhausted, in every way they could possibly show it, while Mikey…

All he had were some scars and shaking hands. So what, so what? Donnie said it would go away eventually, that their superior healing abilities would work in their favor. Yeah, it was frustrating now, and sure he hated that he felt so useless lately. But… it would pass. What was going on with Leo may never heal. He had no right to complain.

Where anger and frustration and grief should’ve been clawing at his heart, he just felt the rush of his blood and the distance in his gaze. All he could do was start pulling out pots and pans, ingredients from the fridge, and start cooking dinner. He was in a daze, cooking and moving, and just letting himself go on auto-pilot.

He would do this for his family. He would help Leo, and his brothers, if it was the last thing he did. He would fix this.

Mikey could fix this.

Suddenly, he is struck with a memory that felt like it was so long ago, but also like it was just yesterday. It hit him so hard he felt himself gasp, hands gripping the edge of the counter.

Don’t cry. Mikey frowned — no, downright glared — down at the surface in front of him. Do not cry.

But the tears came anyway.

Mikey stared at Leo’s unconscious form on the hospital bed in the middle of the room. He’d been asleep for five days now, and Mikey was hyper-aware of Donnie and Raph and their building anxiety over it. Donnie kept mumbling that he should’ve woken up by now, that he was stable enough to wake up, and he wondered if it was because of how drained his ninpo had been. That would make sense to Mikey; he’d slept almost a full 24 hours that first day back after getting treated, and he hadn’t had to scrape the “bottom of the barrel” for his abilities, so to speak.

He was currently curled up beside Raph in a giant beanbag that they’d shoved into a corner of the med-bay. Raph was snoring softly while Mikey doodled on his sketchpad. Or, he was trying to. The shake in his hands was particularly bad right now, and the burns under the heavy wraps around his hands and arms were bothering him.

Frustrated, he ripped another paper out, crumpled it the best he could with his weak grip, and tossed it off the side of the beanbag. With a sigh, he let his head thump back against Raph’s shell and closed his eyes, listening to the breathing of his brothers. At least Leo sounded like he was sleeping well, even if it could’ve partially been because of the meds.

The memory of that moment flooded his brain again, making Mikey’s hands curl into fists. How he’d believed, for just a moment, that Leo would be gone forever. Looking at him now, on the hospital bed, made him both angry and so overwhelmingly relieved. Leo wasn’t dead. He was here, he was here, and that’s all that mattered.

Right?

He thought he heard Leo’s breathing hitch and change, and he was sitting up and staring at Leo, hoping and praying that he was waking up. But no… no, he seemed to be having a nightmare.

Mikey got to his feet and crossed the room, sliding his hand along Leo’s arm as he arrived at the bedside. Leo’s body was twitching and his eyes shifted fast under his eyelids. For the first time ever, Mikey hated that Leo’s face stripes made clean, sharp gashes across his face. Normally they made Leo look bold, or strong. They accented his face in a way that drew attention to him and Mikey had always liked his stripes. But right now, to him, they looked like blood… like all the blood he’d been covered in when they’d pulled him from the Prison Dimension.

“Shhh, Leo, it’s okay. I’m here; we are here with you.” He moved his hand up to Leo’s forehead and rubbed softly between his brows. “You’re okay… you’re alright.”

Slowly, his brows unfurrowed, his muscles relaxed, and his breathing evened out. It took a while, but Mikey didn’t mind; he’d never mind if it was for his brothers. Hooking an ankle around the stool behind him, he pulled it closer and sat down. He was like that for a while, rubbing Leo’s scalp softly.

Mikey felt himself starting to nod off beside his brother when a small, content chirp came from Leo’s throat and Mikey found himself making it back out of reflex. Then, then…

He was crying. It started as a small thing, as a little laugh at the little sound they’d made without thought, but hadn’t done in ages. Next thing he knew, the tears wouldn’t stop, and he was leaning into the bed, one arm stretching gently across Leo’s bandaged chest in an awkward hug, and he was falling apart.

“Why did you do that? Why would you go in alone like that?!” Mikey gasped, trying to keep his crying quiet. He didn’t want to wake Raph or alert anyone else in the house. It was so quiet. Everyone had earned their rest, and Mikey… he’d already slept long enough. All he wanted now was for Leo to wake up. “Don’t… don’t leave. Stay. P-please stay, Leo. W-wake up.”

He selfishly let himself be angry and sad and happy and everything in-between. All the ugly thoughts rose up. Things like, he’d given his arms for nothing if Leo died, that he’d been useless in the fight overall, that he wanted to destroy anything that would hurt his family like this, all of it. Mikey thought about how his brothers took hit after hit for him and for each other, but all of them had done their best to protect Mikey the most. He hated it. He hated it. Mikey was strong, too. He could protect them, too!

Why did his silly older brothers think he needed protecting all the time?

“Don’t leave us, Leo.” Mikey pressed his forehead into his brother’s arm and hollowed himself out, crying for what felt like hours until there was nothing left. He’d leave his heart an empty shell if it fixed everything.

Finally, as he felt himself start to fall asleep, arm still tucked over Leo’s chest, he whispered, “I love you. Wake up soon, okay?”

Chapter Text

Donnie felt like everything had been going just fine so far, all things considered. Leo was stable, the audio and video systems were set up with the help of Shelldon and Junior, while April had helped Donnie outside the med-bay with the decontamination foyer. They made good use of their time, and Donnie was only mildly distracted when Leo woke up the first time.

No, he definitely didn’t almost bonk his head several times and no, April didn’t have to keep pulling him back on task because his eyes were glued to the screen projected from his arm. He was totally focused on the task at hand. Yepp.

They were back in his lab now. April was gathering all the trash around the place while Donnie tried to organize all his projects. He wasn’t doing very well with it, if he was honest. He could hardly stand to look at his battle shells, and everything else he just didn’t have the energy to deal with. His mind was somewhere else, and as he listened to the audio feed of the med bay, he felt like something was coiling in his stomach, stretching his heart over broken glass.

Something was going to happen, he could sense it. He had to be ready. He had to be prepared. But how can you be prepared for something unexpected?

The audio feed was suddenly cut off, making Donnie’s hands lose their hold on the things in his hands. April approached him from where she’d pressed the mute button on his main desktop display. “Dee, you're going to hurt yourself if you stay distracted.” She said gently, her hand moving his own away from a sharp piece of metal. “Remember, Leo and morphine don’t mix on a normal day, but he also has a fever. He’s bound to… do things that are out of character for him.”

Donnie pulled his hand out of her grasp gently, busying himself with organizing things again. “How do you know that’s what I’m even thinking about?”

“Because you’re mumbling to yourself, you’ve had the med bay sounds on ever since you installed the mics, and I can just sense it.” She pokes him sharply on his forehead, and he tries to swat her hand away with a small cry of protest. April merely frowns in concern. “Your brain is so loud sometimes.”

“My brain is not loud.” Donnie pouts, rubbing the spot she’d jabbed. “I’m not thinking about that idiot.”

Her voice softens again. “Yes you are. We all are.”

She was right, of course. April had Big Sister senses, just like how Raph had Big Brother senses, and that was before their connection as best friends. It was just… Donnie didn’t know how to verbalize his thoughts. He’d already said what felt like too much the last time he’d “fallen apart”, for lack of a better term. She’d heard both too much and just enough for a lifetime. He didn’t want to put more on her than he already had.

“Let’s get back to work.” Was all he managed, hands shuffling metal bits around in a table in semi-matching pattern and shape piles.

April didn’t argue. She knew when not to press it and this was one of those times for sure. He may not always like someone being able to read him this clearly, but in times like this, he was extremely grateful.

Leo had fallen back asleep by now. Splinter had given him more morphine after Donnie had assured him through the speakers in the med bay that everyone was fine and that they would take care of him. Donnie had then informed the family that Leo would most likely wake up again in a few hours. Raph and Splinter said this was the best time to rest and grab some food.

They’d all split off to do other things during this time. Donnie couldn’t stomach his lab anymore so he decided to hang out near the skate ramps with Mikey. His little brother was dipping up and down their ramps at a lazy pace before eventually ditching his board for some roller skates. Donnie could tell he just wanted to move, to keep himself busy while waiting for April and Raph to come back with their favorite Chinese food. Case was stationed inside the med bay still, having refused to leave “just in case something happened”. Donnie, meanwhile, was trying not to think too much about the steady, quiet beeps of the vitals system playing through his headset, or the show their father was watching, or the way Mikey’s wheels squeaked against the floor whenever he made another turn or spin. He was fine. He was totally, totally —

“Donnie?” Mikey had his head tilted as he tried to catch Donnie’s gaze. He’d stopped moving and was staring at him expectantly. Oh no, he must’ve asked me a question. Donnie’s mind scrambled to see if it had caught any of what Mikey had said, but was coming up empty.

“Yes?” He stretched the word out, feeling his head shrink down and his shoulders move up. If he could go into his shell right now without bothering his spine, he would. Everything was starting to feel too loud.

“I was asking if you’ve slept lately.” Mikey wheeled himself closer to Donnie and crouched down in front of him. “I’m going to guess you haven’t.”

Donnie said nothing, hoping it was enough of an answer and a non-answer for Mikey to let it go. It kind of worked; Mikey just sighed, dropping his head for a moment before looking back up at him with a tired, teasing grin. “Yeah, I figured. I haven’t been sleeping well, either.”

Now that surprised him. “Really?”

“Uh, yeah!” Mikey sits down next to Donnie on the floor and sticks his legs straight out, leaning back on his hands. “I mean… with everything that’s been going on… and… I dunno, sleeping is hard some nights.”

“I didn’t know you were having trouble sleeping.” Donnie could feel red flags and alarm bells going off in his brain. Mikey was usually the best sleeper next to Raph, and it had been a long time since he’d struggled with his sleep schedule. Or, so he thought. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Mikey waved a hand in the air between them, as if shooing the worries away. “Dee, it’s fine! I’m okay. Or… as okay as we can all be at the moment, right? I know all of us are struggling with sleep.”

“I don’t know that.”

“Well, we are, I’m sure.” Mikey cut back in, smiling. “Anyway, try to get some sleep tonight, okay? We need you in top shape to help our dumb brother get back to health.”

Donnie knew he should say something or do something, but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know where to start. His brain was already so full of things, mostly “make sure Leo doesn’t suddenly tank and die of infection” related, and his chest already felt so heavy with feelings, that adding Mikey and Raph back into the mix felt like too much. He did not like that it felt that way. They were his brothers; he wanted to take care of them the way they took care of him, too. He dug through his brain, trying to come up with something to say to reassure his little brother. Just as he opened his mouth though, April and Raph walked back into the Lair, bags of groceries and take-out in their hands.

“Dinner time!” April announced, hefting the bags a little higher. She spied Mikey and Donnie over by the skate ramps on the other side of the room and motioned for them to come closer. “Come on, it’s best to eat while the food is hot.”

Mikey sprung up and wheeled over to the dining room table, all bright smiles and excitement. It was only now that Donnie even noticed the strain in all those actions. It was only after Mikey had admitted to being tired that Donnie even began to worry.

The room felt even smaller. Too small. Everything was too loud; his dad’s feet moving across the floor as he came up the stairs to join them at the table. April, Raph, and Mikey’s chatter as they took everything out of the bags and began to simultaneously set the food on the table and move the groceries to the cabinets and fridge. He could still hear Leo’s heart monitor in his ears.

He shot to his feet and beelined for his bedroom, only vaguely aware of people calling after him. He tugged his goggles off his head as he marched down the stairs to his room and tossed them on his bed. Everything still felt too loud, and he could feel his scales practically crawling at every movement. so he quickly dug around for his noise-canceling headphones, hoping that if anyone followed him, it was April. He could handle April. He could – dammit where were his headphones?!

“Donatello?”

Donnie jumped so hard he nearly hit his head on the shelf above the bin he’d been digging through. It was only as he whirled around to see his dad standing there that he realized he was breathing really hard.

Splinter looked him up and down a moment, his ears drooping before he held out his hands. He had Donnie’s headphones. Yes, yes, thank any and all holy pizzas. He launched across the room for them, taking them as gently as he could from his father’s hands and sliding them into place on his head. Blissful silence.

Slumping down to the floor, he pulled his knees up to his chest and set his chin on his knees, his long arms wrapping around his legs as he let his eyes unfocus. To be honest, he forgot his father was even there until nearly five minutes later, when he became aware enough to see him sitting on the floor beside him in a meditative pose. It was also at this time that he realized he wasn’t even listening to music; just having the general sounds of the Lair being blurred out was enough right now.

Reaching up, he slid one side of the headphones back a bit and sighed. “Sorry.”

“I know.” Splinter opened an eye to look at him. “You left your headphones in the living room.” His dad rotates his body to more fully face him. “It is okay if you were… umm… overwhelmed. Is that the word?”

“Overstimulated, but yes, ‘overwhelmed’ is an acceptable synonym.” Donnie corrects, slowly loosening his hold on his legs. He let his head tip sideways, pressing his cheek into his knee as his arms went slack, his knuckles grazing the floor. “How is Leo?”

“How are you?” Splinter redirected, holding out a hand between them. “My son, Blue will be okay as long as we work together to care for him. But we cannot let our own selves and our own care fall to the wayside. If we are not at our best, then we will fall apart.”

Everything is already falling apart. Donnie thought bitterly, biting his tongue. You would think… with everyone being alive and home that things would be better but… somehow they feel worse than they’ve ever been.

Instead of saying this though, Donnie merely shrugs. They sit there for a while longer, Splinter going back to meditating while Donnie tries to decompress some more. When he felt like the walls were no longer pressing in and every noise no longer felt like nails on a chalkboard, he slowly stretched out his limbs and sighed. His stomach growled loud enough for him to hear even with the headphones on.

Splinter chuckled and stood (which really only made him more eye level with Donnie, but he wouldn’t say anything about that). He then reached out a hand and, this time, Donnie took it. His father smiled, looking relieved. “Let’s go get food, my son. I’m sure the boys kept some for you and kept it warm.”

“How long…?” His voice trailed off as his tongue became heavy and stiff, brain starting to feel a little foggy. Ah, words are still a little hard right now. Donnie thinks as he rolls his head back a bit. He could talk but… he kinda didn’t want to.

Thankfully, Splinter understood. “We’ve only been here about twenty minutes or so. Not long at all.”

Donnie nodded and slowly got to his feet, his father letting their hands slide apart as he did so. They made their way back to the dining room, Donnie feeling like he had weights on his ankles. He could practically hear Leo in his head.

“Stop dragging your feet! You’ll stub one of your big toes!” He’d laugh loudly; annoyingly. Donnie would glare and Leo would only smirk teasingly. “Hey, don’t come to me for an ice pack when you do.”

But Leo always gave him one if he needed it. He’d always taken care of him; of all of them. He complained sometimes, but his words had never had any real weight behind them. Donnie remembered watching Leo patch up Mikey’s skinned knees once and realized that Leo enjoyed being the physical caretaker of his family alongside Splinter.

Donnie found his mind tumbling down into that memory.

“Okay Angelo, all better.” Leo had smiled, his tattered blue mask hanging around his neck, allowing his red stripes to be on full display. Mikey sniffed, his bottom lip sticking out as he inspected the brightly colored band aids and slowly straightened his knee. Even back then, at only the age of 10, Leo had been really good at this.

Donnie had stared at his two brothers, one older and one younger, and wondered when Leo had even started to do this. He found his eyes snagging on Leo’s face, looking at the spot under Leo’s right eye and even further below toward his mouth. He had several cuts on his cheek, and even though they weren’t bleeding profusely, they were still bleeding and they still looked painful. Donnie had a badly bruised elbow that was currently nesting in an ice pack, but he was otherwise unharmed, much to Leo’s relief, apparently.

The three of them had just had bad timing on the Lair’s skate ramps and all three had collided in a tangle of limbs and skateboards. Raph had rushed down from the upper levels to help them and had gathered them all into their little medical room. Leo had quickly sent him to get everyone some water bottles after he’d nearly dropped the first aid kit for the third time.

Now, as Mikey sat back on the beanbag and closed his eyes, Leo stood and locked eyes with Donnie. “What’s up, DonTron?”

“You need to disinfect your face.”

Leo had blinked once, twice, then laughed, wincing when the action pulled the skin of his face. “Yeah you’re probably right.”

“Do they hurt?”

And he remembered how Leo had smiled, all bright teeth and plucky tone. “I’m okay, Don!” He had wobbled over to the little circle mirror on the counter and inspected his face before turning back to Donnie. “They don’t hurt that bad, honestly.”

Somehow, Donnie had known Leo was lying. He could feel it somewhere in his mind and heart, that Leo was hurt. It wasn’t until a few days later, when Donnie had spied Leo absently rubbing at his ankle while reading one of his Jupiter Jim comics that he’d pieced it together. It wasn’t Leo’s face that was truly hurt, but a sprained ankle had been easy to hide under Leo’s favorite fuzzy socks or the leg warmers he kept stealing from Donnie.

Donnie hadn’t said anything at first. He’d gone to grab an ice pack from the freezer. He went back to Leo’s room and clicked to get his attention before tossing it across the room to him. Leo had caught it, nearly dropping his comic in the process, and had stared at Donnie after realizing what it was.

“Ice your ankle, dum dum. And elevate your leg a bit more, especially if you’re just sitting around.”

Leo had only grinned. “I have been, I just needed to… wait, how did you know?”

“Because I know.” Leo’s face had started to brighten and Donnie failed to suppress a groan. “Don’t say it.”

“Because we’re twins!?” He was practically beaming and it was at that moment that Donnie realized it was the first real smile he’d seen from his brother in a couple days.

Fine. He’d play along… for today. “Sure, whatever makes you feel better. Now ice your ankle.”

He’d marched away from his brother’s room, Leo’s laugh echoing in the atrium as Donnie went back to his room and yanked the curtain shut. He absently touched his elbows. They still ached and the skin was darkened with bruising that was mostly covered with large purple band aids, courtesy of Leonardo. “Dummy.”

He surfaced from the memory and found himself sitting at the table, April gently tapping the wooden surface before sliding him a plate of hot dumpling soup. He began to eat, still semi lost in his thoughts. Even back then, even as kids, Donnie had wondered why Leo lied about his well-being. At first, he had chalked it up to Leo trying to save face and not be embarrassed. As they got older, Donnie realized he could no longer tell when Leo was lying anymore, or if he was lying at all.

Looking at the predicament they were in now, he felt like maybe it wasn’t necessarily that Leo had got better at lying, but that they had all stopped paying attention to him. And not in a he’s-just-like-that kind of way, but in the ways that mattered. Being able to see through the bullshit and truly see Leo was something he was afraid all of them had stopped doing. Then again… maybe Leo really was just good at lying. He wasn’t sure which was worse.

He ate in silence, ignoring the worried glances from Mikey and Raph as he did so. He needed a little more time to fully get back to talking-level, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. Raph and Mikey gave him a little space and went to busy themselves with setting up a Lou Jitsu movie in the living room. Once they were out of ear-shot and out of sight, Donnie pulled up their vital trackers.

Raph’s reddish-pink screen showed steady and healthy numbers. Mikey’s orange screen looked much the same, and he found himself feeling relieved as he sunk deeper into the dining room chair, his soup nearly gone now. He felt full enough, the little crackle of anxiety in his gut preventing him from eating any more. Instead, he stared at the tracker screens for a while, one finger hovering over the blue button.

In the end, he dropped his hand before also leaning forward and setting his head on the table. If he were honest with himself and his family, he’d tell them just how tired he was. But he refused to sleep; the last time he had, his idiot brother had gone and nearly drowned and now he had an infection. He didn’t want to think about what could happen if he slept now.

He knew he was there for a while, just resting his head on the table and staring at the wood grains in silence. In the other room, he could hear the Lou Jitsu movie his brothers had picked, and knew they were nearly thirty minutes in when he finally chose to get up and join them. As he stood, he saw April from the corner of his eye as she walked toward the med bay, her hair already tucked into one of her hair bonnets.

Okay. Let’s do this, Donatello. He took his headphones off and set them on the table before joining his family in the living room. Clearing his throat, he saw April turn to look at him from where she’d been getting ready to go in the room. Casey Jr was waiting for her on the other side of the new foyer, holding up a yellow jumpsuit for her.

“What is it, Donnie?” April asked. This caught the attention of his brothers, who were currently in their respective beanbags on the floor. They turned to look at him and he fought back the urge to snap at them and tell them not to stare.

“Do you have the instructions I sent you?”

“Already have them downloaded to my phone and to my watch. Though, to be honest, I spent all night studying them so I basically have the steps memorized.”

Raph piped up. “April, did you sleep? You have to take care of yourself.”

“Yes, little brother, I did. Stop worrying.” She waved her hand in a scooting motion, smiling. “You guys act like this is the first time I’ve helped you when you’re sick.”

This isn’t the same. “Just follow the instructions and everything should be fine.”

She gave them all a big thumbs up and then pressed her hand to the little scanner on the door. A little purple light outlined April’s hand and then the door hissed open, letting her in with Junior. Donnie felt the eyes of his siblings almost immediately and he put on a show of sighing as dramatically as possible. “Yes, okay, I’ll pull up the med bay footage.”

Donnie plopped himself onto his own beanbag a little further back in the room and saw his brothers get up and start to drag theirs over toward him. That was fine. He hadn’t felt like moving his anyway.

If only he’d known what was going to happen. Maybe he would’ve stayed in his room for the rest of the day with his head on a pillow and staring into space. Maybe he would’ve actually braved his lab again and actually made some headway with his battle shells. Maybe he’d be doing anything, anything but this.

They’d only been listening for five minutes. Only five. Only five minutes. Donnie’s attention had actually started to drift to the movie, like Raph and Mikey. But all it took was the beeping of the heart monitor to suddenly skyrocket for everyone’s eyes to zero in on the projected screen from Donnie’s wristwatch.

Donnie regretted sending the video to their updated projector instantly. The moment he did, Leo started screaming. Every bone in Donnie’s body went stiff, every nerve standing on edge and at attention as he resisted the urge to press his hands over his tympana. Things happened so quickly that all of them still sat semi-huddled together, watching and hearing everything go to shit.

Leo woke up with a jolt and immediately lashed out, nearly catching Junior in the face with a fist. April moved fast, grabbing his arm and trying to pull him back. But Leo was strong, even though he was still very much full of meds. Casey recovered quickly though and also lunged forward to try and get him to lay back down.

“Stop!” Leo is lurching forward from the mattress, eyes squeezed tightly shut as he shouts. “Stop!” His voice cracks, and he’s trying to curl forward, trying to bite and claw; he’s practically snarling, teeth bared in a way Donnie has never seen. “You can’t have them! I won’t… I won’t let you have them.”

Donnie’s hands shake, and he cannot help the unbidden tears trailing steadily down his face and plopping softly into his lap. He’s faintly aware of Mikey sprinting out of the room and Raph calling after him, but he can’t look away. He can’t cover his tympana, can’t do anything but watch as he feels that crack inside him suddenly grow into a gaping wound in his soul. This… this was a glimpse of everything he’d been hiding from them.

Leo kicks and tries to shove Casey off of him again. Casey is trying to get Leo’s attention, calling out to him, and he half crawls onto him, trying to get him into a restraint to keep from hurting himself. Something about the way he leans on him makes Leo jolt back, a hiss filling the room. The sound quickly devolves into whimpering and shaking, and Donnie can see how Leo’s muscles tense as he still tries to resist Casey and April, but in a more reserved way.

He’s yelling for them to let him go, that his family is in danger. April and Casey are shouting back, trying to calm him down as he tangles the bedsheets with his legs. “Can’t… near my brothers. Not strong… have to protect them. Have to keep them safe!”

April is pleading with him, trying to calm him down. A ragged sob escapes Leo’s mouth and, suddenly, he goes from threats to, “Please… please.”

God Donnie feels like he’s being ripped to pieces. Leo never begs. Leo never begs. His pride is too strong, and the few times he’s ever begged for something, it had been a joke; a way to try and get what he wanted. But Leo never begs and he’s begging. For what though? That’s what Donnie fears the most. Is he pleading for the lives of those he loves? For his own life? He both wants to know and almost prays his brother will say nothing else. He almost wishes he couldn’t hear or see this… almost regrets setting this camera and audio system up

Casey tries to reach for the morphine button, but suddenly, Leo bolts. Casey is fast though, and he gets Leo into a restraint on the floor of the med bay much faster than Donnie thought he could. April is at their side instantly, and Casey is begging Leo to calm down. Donnie feels his vision swim at the sight of blood on the floor and pulsing slowly from Leo’s arm where he’d ripped out his IV.

Then, all the fight drains from Leo. Somehow, watching the way he lets Casey and April handle him is worse than when he’d been fighting. Leo seems to be relaxing, his body slumping back into Junior, who takes them down to the floor until the three of them are sitting there, shaking. Even then, what matters to Donnie right now is what Leo is saying; what he may say next. Donnie’s acutely aware of the way his body starts to feel like static, of how he’s almost positive a meltdown is building in his body. But the part of him that remembers what Leo had hinted at… at what he may still be holding back, keeps him from turning away.

Leo heaves another sob as April gently cleans his bloody arm, seemingly choking on his own breath as he leans into April’s hand on his cheek. Donnie cannot move, not yet. Leo coughs, splutters, and whines. “Please… I don’t…” There’s an incredibly long silence, one that could almost seem like Leo had fallen back asleep if it weren’t for the broken, ragged breathing he’s still forcing from his body.

“It hurts. It hurts.” Then he says the thing that sends Donnie over the edge. “Just… kill me… please.”

Donnie claps both hands over his mouth, leans forward, and screams into his hands. He screams and screams and screams, feeling his vocal cords strain and crack as a wave of understanding and grief crashes fully into him. The screams break into open sobs, and he is on his knees, his forehead pressing hard into the floor.

He is back to that day. Back to when he’d thought Leo was dead and never coming back. Back to when they’d all given so much just to get Raph back, only to lose Leo. Now he knows… he knows… Leo was going to let that happen. Donnie wants to be sick; his stomach is turning and the floor feels like it’s fallen out from under him. Even his entire body touching the floor cannot make him feel like the world isn’t tilting, like that connection inside him isn’t alight with fear and an anguish so deep, he fears he’ll never return from it.

He sobs into his hands, his entire body shaking with it, and he doesn’t even feel Raph’s arms tucking around him at first. All he can do is think that he’d almost lost Leo, his other half, his annoying, stubborn, reckless, idiotic, loud, show-boating, pun-making, fearless, selfless, loving brother. His twin. His twin.

He wishes he didn’t have to feel. He wishes he could shut this thing inside of him off. He never wants to feel this way again. He hates that he now knows for sure that Leo has been feeling this way for months. He hates knowing that Leo had accepted that he was going to die and may have even hoped for it.

Donnie gags on his own spit and breath and tears, and Raph is rubbing his shell, but he cannot reel his emotions back in. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t.

Donnie hates Leo.

He hates him.

He hates him, he hates him, he wants to punch him, he wants to scream at him, he wants to shake him until he sees how stupid he is. He hates him, he hates him, he –

He can hardly breathe around the emotions piercing through him. Then, a conscious realization hits him like a nuclear bomb. He knew the truth, on a logical scale, but with everything they’d been through… with everything they were still going through, it became all too clear.

Hate and love were two sides of the same coin. And his twin had always been flipping the coin to his brothers, hoping they’d choose love… even when they landed on hate.

Donnie is unsure how long he’s been in his room, wavering between staring at his ceiling in silence or drifting into uneasy sleep. He’s even less sure of how much time has passed. All he knows is that there’s a tug deep in his chest that he can no longer resist.

He gets up and puts on his heaviest hoodie. His movements are stiff and almost painful. Not to mention, his eyes and mouth feel incredibly dry. The headache he’s been sitting with gets worse now that he’s moving around, but he cannot even think of getting water and medicine right now. All he can do is walk out of his room and follow the tug in his chest.

Getting up the stairs from his room feels impossible, but he finally makes it to the top. Then, his feet are dragging across the room. He finds himself subconsciously watching his step, so he won’t hit his foot against anything. Without thinking, he’s pressing his hand against the scanner. The door hisses quietly and lets him in.

It’s slow-going, putting on the purple hazmat suit, but after a while, he manages to zip it up and secure the helmet over his head. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s aware that someone is probably already inside, probably already waiting for the next person to switch shifts.

He finds his father, sitting by the bed, already looking at him when he steps through. The old man doesn’t say anything. Instead, he gets up and grabs one of the bigger, comfier rolling chairs in the room, and wheels it over to the side of the bed.

Splinter’s voice is a whisper. “Take your time, my son.”

Then, he leaves, letting the disinfectant spray do its work before he exits the foyer and heads in the direction of the bathroom. Donnie feels like he’s moving at a snail’s pace as he moves closer to the turtle on the hospital bed. He wonders if they should move him to one of the comfier mattresses, since he’ll be there for a while.

Donnie sits woodenly in the chair his father had left for him and looks at his brother. The tug in his chest has eased a bit, and so has the rising anxiety that had threatened to pull him into another episode a little bit ago. He pulls his knees up to his chest, resting his feet on the edge of the seat with a bit of gentle squeaking from the suit he’s in.

He sits there for a long time, he thinks. There isn’t really a purpose to this visit that he can think of. In fact, somewhere in the back of his mind, he’s aware of just how risky this entire thing is. But… watching his brother breathe is enough, for now. It’s enough.

When he feels like he has the energy to move again, Donnie inches one hand out and lets himself grasp the slider’s hand. There’s a small, sleepy mumble, and the slightest squeeze of his fingers before the grip goes slack again. Donnie doesn’t mind. It’s enough.

He’s there for a long time, too. Donnie just listens to his brother’s breathing, feeling the very slight sync of their pulses in their hands, even through the suit. He’s not sure why, but after a while, he feels wet tracks making their way down his face again.

It’s time to go. He thinks.

He stands slowly, having to stretch out every aching muscle little by little. Before he leaves however, he squeezes his brother’s hand again before releasing it. Then, using both his hands, he decides to leave his brother with a parting message, even if he can’t see it.

[Leo, I –]

It’s all he can manage at first. Somehow, signing the name is enough to make pain lance through him again. He recovers, steadying himself and his hands.

[I’m here. You are not alone. Leo, I choose…]

He isn’t sure he can do this. The tears are pouring hot and fast again. He can hear the soft hiss of the foyer doors opening again. His father must be back. But, he knows he has to do this before he goes.

It’s important. Maybe the most important thing he can do right now. Maybe the most important thing he’s ever done, even if no one else sees. Even if Leo doesn’t see. He just hopes it reaches him anyway.

[Leo, I choose love.]

Chapter Text

Casey sometimes hated the med-bay.

He can remember vividly the last time he sat at Leonardo’s side in a medical room; he’d been twelve, and Leonardo’s right arm was gone. The slider had barely survived making it back to base, making the odds of him surviving his wounds and an amputation surgery incredibly low. Michelangelo never left his side, and Donatello spent many nights there, too, when he wasn’t helping Commander O’Neil with meetings and supplies and mission prep.

He remembers the sickening smell of sanitized surfaces and antiseptics, as well as the constant beep of heart monitors as they kept track of the life still left in those who were injured. He remembers the Hamato brothers being in and out of the room for smaller injuries, as well as any other friends, family, and allies they’d managed to scrape together during the apocalypse.

To Casey, it was normal. To him, it was just another day, another life, another fight. The good, calm days had been far rarer than the bloody, stressed, always-on-their-toes days. But no matter how many times he’d been here, no matter how many lives had been saved, he hated it.

Leo stirred beside him, mumbling something in his morphine-induced sleep, and Casey bit hard on his lip to keep it from quivering. It had been several hours since his attempted escape from the room, and Casey had already done a full body sanitizing spray before coming back into the room. April had gone out to get some air and compose herself, only to report back that the brothers had heard everything, and Donnie was… not doing so well. Really none of them were, but Casey was honestly impressed it had taken such an extreme episode from Leo for the purple turtle to have a meltdown. The last couple weeks – hell, the last couple days – had been a lot for all of them.

After all, even the Donatello from Casey’s timeline had needed a day or two away from everyone from time to time. The apocalypse was not a great place for people who got overstimulated.

Casey had been sitting and staring at Leo’s bandaged shell for what felt like hours now. Maybe it had been. Maybe it had only been a handful of minutes. It was hard to tell, but he couldn’t keep his eyes from it. It felt familiar, and foreign, and oh so tragic in ways he hadn’t expected. Sure this was Leonardo Hamato — his Sensei — talented ninja, loving brother, and tactical genius, but this version of him was also Leo. He was Nardo, and Leon, and Dum Dum, and Bro, and Lee, and Baby Blue. He was so much more than just Master Leonardo or Sensei. And yet… he was so much less, somehow.

Leo was so small.

Casey felt his throat close up and this time, he didn’t stop the quiet tears from falling. The sleeping form of the slider on the bed before him blurred and wavered as the tears came faster. He wasn’t sure why… but it felt like he understood something now.

His Master had been a kid once. He’d been just a kid who’d been faced with impossible odds and still chosen to fight. Master Leonardo had been unforgiving in battle, yet compassionate and full of such fierce love for his family and friends. He’d somehow held onto hope even in the darkest of times.

Master Leonardo had been a blazing fire for mankind alongside his family. He never gave up hope, and every time he looked like he might, he would meditate for hours. One time he had been meditating for a whole day, and Michelangelo had joined him halfway through the day. They’d both finally emerged from the locked dojo, eyes red-rimmed and puffy, but smiling and reinvigorated.

But this Leo… this Leo was just a kid. He was Casey’s age. He was probably feeling many of the same feelings Casey was currently grappling with, if not worse, and no one had seen it. Not really.

How had they all forgotten how young they all were? How could they have ever been expected to carry these burdens and come out the other side? Casey had grown up with it and it still hurt; how much worse was it when you’d known peace and life and happiness only to have it ripped away?

Suddenly he remembers a day he’d locked into a corner of his heart and he chokes a bit at the memory.

The news had been broken to them; Cassandra Jones and Donatello Hamato, along with several dozen soldiers, were gone.

That had been what felt like seconds ago, but also hours. The world felt fuzzy and wrong and tipped fully off its axis. It felt emptier and colder.

Casey can’t breathe around his tears. He can’t see or hear anything around him. All he can do is feel as his heart is ripped into pieces, bit by bit as his body aches with his sobbing. Someone is lifting him into their arms, their skin cool to the touch. He knows these arms and that voice, but he can’t understand what they’re saying. All he can do is continue to cry and cry and cry, clinging to the arms that hold him and hope he can catch his breath soon.

“Breathe, CJ, you’re scaring me.”

He’s trying. He really is, but the force of his crying made it hard. He can hear that voice trying to coax him into deep breaths with them and he does his best to follow.

“That’s it, Case, breathe with me.”

Soon, he starts to feel oxygen reach his lungs and his mind starts to clear bit by bit. His hands are gripping the arms that hold him so hard, but they don’t seem to mind. The hold around him is firm and steady, one hand rubbing his back as Casey listens intently for the rhythm of their breathing.

“Good. Yes, there we go little man, keep doing that until you feel better.”

He knows that voice. He knows this plastron and the thick, soft fabric around the body of its wearer. It’s his uncle…Master Michelangelo. If he was more emotionally stable right now, he’d have the mind to be embarrassed about this. He was just a few weeks shy of thirteen years old… yet here he was, crying in the mystic warrior’s lap.

“Casey, are you back with me now?” Michelangelo asks. His tone is gentle and even.

Casey can’t bring himself to look up, so he just nods slowly. The box turtle doesn’t say anything. He just shifts the position they’re sitting in and continues to rub Casey’s back slowly. Time passes. It feels like ages before either of them speaks, but Casey manages to choke out. “How?”

Michelangelo doesn’t need to clarify the question. He just smooths down Casey’s hair and says, “Doing what she always did; kicking alien butt and defending those around her with a fierceness no one can ever match.”

It isn’t detailed, and he’s aware in the back of his mind that his uncle is being vague intentionally; he’d probably been there when it happened, after all. He’s partially grateful for it though because, even without the details, Casey feels a fresh wave of grief threaten to overtake him.

He’ll never see her again… his mom. Never.

Another memory tumbles after that, snowballing right on top of that one. He’d been walking through headquarters in a daze, his mom’s old hockey stick strapped to his back, when he’d heard it.

There was muffled shouting, then a loud crash and the sound of shattering glass from across the hall he’d been wandering through. Casey followed the sound blindly, his feet moving before he could think better of the fact that he was approaching Leonardo and Donatello’s rooms. Their leader had set up their rooms to be along the furthest edges of their headquarters, which allowed the purple turtle more of his own space when he needed to be away from all the noise and stress, and offered the blue turtle much the same, but for different reasons.

As he got closer, he could hear the broken, heart wrenching sound of a grief-filled scream coming from the deceased turtle’s room.

Some whispers around the base insisted they start preparing the space for other use, but after the dark, venomous look that had been given to one soldier who’d tried to suggest it to Leonardo, no one had dared bring it up again. Still… it was weird not to hear old bass-thumping music, or rambling scientific ideas, or the soft laughter of the two middle turtle brothers on this side of headquarters.

He peeked slowly around the corner of the entryway, where only a thick curtain offered any sort of privacy, and saw Leonardo on his knees in the middle of the room. There was a broken tablet, torn comics, and a broken picture frame on the floor near the wall Leonardo was facing. Glass sparkled on the floor around the tablet and frame, but Leonardo wasn’t moving to clean it.

Casey couldn’t be shocked by the outburst in general; his Sensei had lost another brother, a dear friend, and a large chunk of soldiers, and yet he’d pushed forward with keeping everyone safe, running more missions, and keeping a smile on his face. He was especially bright for the younger resistance members. Sure his smiles felt a little more hollow than before, but he had seemed like he was holding up relatively well. But now…

Leonardo had found Donatello in his lab, where he’d collapsed after hiding a horrific injury with his thick cloak. He’d been trying to save as many soldiers as he could and had taken a laser to his side. Apparently, he’d used a fallen soldier’s cloak to try and staunch the bleeding so he could get the survivors back. Donatello claimed he had to make it back to the lab one last time, to make sure everything was in order. He’d died in Leonardo’s arms. Casey hadn’t seen the genius’ passing happen, but he’d heard about it around HQ for days afterward. Even now there were still hushed, sad whispers, sharpened with worry and fear.

Who would invent new weapons for them?
Who would handle all their statistics and who would keep Leonardo grounded whenever he went a little too haywire?
How would they survive without the smartest person in the world to help guide them when it came to logic?

Casey didn’t listen to them. He knew Master Donatello; he never would’ve left them defenseless like that. He never would’ve let everyone down. It was in his nature to make plans for all sorts of scenarios, and Casey doubted that he’d left death off the table. That didn’t dull the sting of his absence, though. It didn’t offer himself, or any of the remaining Hamato family, any kind of relief or peace beyond a temporary patch over the extra gap left behind.

However, Casey didn’t think he’d ever seen Leonardo, the greatest ninja in the world, their fearless, tactical genius of a leader, in such outright shambles before.

He couldn’t see Leonardo’s face, but he could see what was now in his hands. It was a purple hoodie, one that looked far too small for Leonardo, and it was tattered and faded with age. The battle-worn slider had his face buried in it, his shoulders shaking as he cried.

It hurt to watch. Casey wanted to leave. He tried to, mentally, but his feet wouldn’t move. He couldn’t move. He just stared as Leonardo grieved the loss of his brother; his self-proclaimed twin. Master Donatello had always rolled his eyes at the term on the rare occasion that it came up. Looking back… Casey realized Donatello’s apparent annoyance at such a phrase had always been full of a gentle teasing and wasn’t at all real. His eyes had always been very fond in the moments of lighthearted banter between himself and Leonardo.

The large blue turtle clutched the old, purple jacket to his face and chest and curled into himself. He began mumbling something over and over. Casey had to really strain to hear it, especially around his master’s muffled sobbing, but eventually he understood.

“I’m sorry, Dee. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” One fist released the jacket and hit the floor hard; his real fist. “I wish I could’ve… it shouldn’t have been you. It should’ve —”

Casey nearly fell forward, causing a rustle of fabric from where he had gripped the curtain. In an instant, he was letting go and running away back down the hall, using the quietest steps he could. He knew Leonardo had heard him, had maybe even seen him running away, but he didn’t stop or look back.

He’d been scared. He’d seen too much. He had seen a side of his master he thought he’d never see again; that he hoped he’d never see again. And this time he’d seen even more than he’d wanted too, all because he’d frozen up. Why couldn’t he face this? Why?

There was a light tap on the hand in his lap and Casey jolted back to the present, tears streaming down his face faster than he could wipe them away. Through his tears, he saw Leo had turned over and was awake, looking at him with concern.

“Leonardo?!” Casey gasped, trying to steady his breathing.

Leo smiled a bit, eyes only half open. “Heyyy, whassa matter?”

“Y-you’re awake!” He wanted to alert the family, to get up and go get April or Splinter, but Leo tried to grab Casey’s hand, and he found himself unable to move. “Are… are you… how do you feel?”

Leo’s head tipped from side to side and he licked his lips, brow furrowing. “Thirsty.”

“I can get you some water.” He could move then, his body standing him up and going to the sink. Grabbing a little styrofoam cup, he filled it using the water filter attachment on the faucet and then sat back down near the bed. “Uhhh… drinking this while on your side might be tricky. I think you can sit up now.”

Leo looked confused, then his eyes began to wander the room. Recognition sparked in his face, followed quickly by more confusion and exasperation. “Where… why’m I… wha day izzit?”

Casey set down the water on the small bedside table and helped Leo shift into a sitting position. Leo hissed a bit when his shell touched the pillow behind him, but otherwise he seemed more like himself. Casey cleared his throat. “Uhhh, well… it’s only been a few hours since… uhhh how do I explain? Just know that it’s almost been a full day since your swimming stunt yesterday.”

Leo stiffened, cup halfway empty as he lowered it from his mouth. “Oh… no. Case.” One of Leo’s hands reached around to touch the tender spot on his shell and he winced at the slightest pressure. “Shit. Wha’happn?”

Casey wiped his eyes and nose with a nearby tissue. “Listen… Leo, a lot happened. Long story short, you have shell rot.” Leo groaned, emptying the cup and dropping it into his lap before hanging his head. Casey could see the wheels turning in his brain, but decided to continue on anyway. “You’ll be okay though! Donnie said as long as we treat it properly, you should be back on your feet pretty fast. Or… well, his notes to April said that. Right now you need to rest.”

“Again?” Leo sighed, beak pointing slightly outward in a pout. “Shell rot… ugh Donnie is prob’ly mad. Raph’n Mike too. I don’even remember how I…” He paused then, head turning to look at Casey. “Wai’, why were ya cryin?”

“Leo —”

“You okay?” The slider’s eyes filled with concern and guilt. “Izzit… cause’a’me?”

Casey just stared at him, weighing how he could respond. Finally, he shrugged and let his gaze fall to his lap. “Yes and no. I don’t… want to get into it right now.”

Leo’s eyes started to droop, but he shook his head as if trying to keep the sleepiness at bay. “Ya don’have’ta stay. Don’t want ya t’be uncomfy cause’a… this whole situashin.”

“It’s not… not really your fault. It’s more because of how I… when I grew up. There was a lot of injury and death and —” His eyes snapped up to find Leo looking sadly at him. “Ahh, no, never mind. Anyway, me, April, and your dad are going to take care of you.”

“M’not a baby.” Leo puffed before sighing. “My brothers?”

“They’re… fine.”

Leo was quiet, lifting the hand with the IV to stare at it. A myriad of emotions crossed his face before it fell back to something tired. “I… I said some stuff, yeah?”

Casey hesitated a bit too long, if the hunch in Leo’s shoulders had anything to say about it. Still, he scrubbed at his eyes again and said, “Yeah.” He was never very good at lying, anyway.

Leo just sighed and handed the now empty cup back to Casey. “M’tired.”

“Okay, that’s fine. You need the rest anyway. Lay on your side or your stomach for now.”

“I know. Medic, ‘member?” Leo gave a weak smile before turning to face away from Casey and weakly trying to shuffle the blanket back over himself. Casey reached over and helped, hoping Leo wouldn’t try to push him away. When he didn’t, Casey felt some tension leave his shoulders.

It didn’t take long for Leo to fall back asleep; a minute or so, maybe. Casey checked the time. Nearly 1 in the morning. He’d be switching out with April or Splinter soon, and he felt his own eyes and body starting to droop after speaking to Leo. Maybe… leaving a couple minutes early was fine.

He had just left and was starting to shuffle into the hall that housed one of their bathrooms when he heard the medbay entrance hiss open again. He was shocked to see Donatello slinking in and woodenly pulling on a dark purple hazmat suit. He considered going back to drag him out; the guy should know above all of them just how risky this move was. But as he started to turn back, he saw Splinter appear and watch his son through the windows.

He’ll be okay. Casey thought, slowly turning back toward the hallway. He has to be.

Leonardo was in the dojo with Casey today. He’d taken off his large, mechanized arm for today’s training, and was currently meditating on the floor. Casey had been hesitant to show up… for lots of reasons.

It had only been a month since the passing of his mom and Master Donatello. Things had started to fall back into a steadier routine and neither Casey nor his Sensei had mentioned how he’d been spied on while grieving. If he were honest, Casey had kinda been avoiding his Sensei out of both embarrassment at being caught and fear that the slider would be mad. He knew it was a silly thing to worry about but he did anyway.

They sat there, meditating for what felt like hours. Casey kept fidgeting and he couldn’t fully empty his brain to focus on even his breathing. He was trying, really he was, but he just couldn’t do it.

Suddenly, Leonardo chuckles. Casey’s eyes fly open to find his master grinning at him, cheek propped in his palm, elbow resting on his knee. “Someone has a lot of energy today.”

Casey couldn’t hold his gaze, staring instead at the floor between them. “Yeah… you could say that.”

Leonardo’s voice was light and teasing. “Do you want to skip meditating today and just do some sparring?”

“I dunno.”

“Maybe throw some hits at the sandbag? Show it who’s boss?”

“I… I dunno.” There was a pause then and Casey suddenly felt angry. He clenched his fists tight in his lap.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Casey looked up then to find his Sensei’s face had gone from playful to gentle. Normally that would’ve made him feel comforted but now it felt like gas on a fire. Leonardo must’ve noticed because he shifted from a casual sit to something more attentive.

“No.” Casey managed to say. It came out in more of a hiss than he’d intended.

Leonardo just hummed in thought before standing up. “Then I guess you don’t get to train today.”

Casey was flabbergasted. “What?!”

“You heard me.” His master was heading for his mechanical arm where it lay across a wooden bench seat. “Can’t train if you don’t want to do any of the stuff that involves training.”

“But…” He didn’t voice that he hadn’t seen Leonardo in what felt like ages; he knew that was his own fault. He wanted to train but he also didn’t. How could he explain that?

Leonardo merely shrugged. “But nothing, kid. You’re obviously grouchy about something —”

“I’m not grouchy.” Casey mumbled grouchily. He hated when people could see right through him. Michelangelo would’ve rolled his eyes and said ‘I wonder where you get it from’.

Leonardo finally turned back toward him. “Then whats going on? Is it about your mom? Or is this about… about…” The slider took a steadying breath and asked, “Donnie?”

“Neither. Both. I don’t know.”

“Then… let’s spar.”

“Sensei…”

“Listen, I’m not good with words either. But fighting? That’s something I can do. So, let’s fight it out.”

Casey sighed heavily and got to his feet. The two met in toward the middle of the sparring mat, and Casey dropped into his fighting stance. Leonardo merely stood there, flashing his usual cocky smile, and waited. It made a spark of anger flare up in the teen’s gut but he took a deep breath, shook his head, and pushed forward in a burst of speed.

He aimed a kick for the turtle’s side, which he side-stepped gracefully. Casey was quick to recover, planting his foot forward and whirling into a feint and jab. Leonardo easily dodged those too, though his movements did seem a little off-balanced. Casey realized it had probably been a while since he’d trained without his oversized mech arm.

Well, that just made this more interesting.

Even with Leonardo having a technical handicap, fighting him wasn’t easy. It was like trying to fight against air or water; size didn’t hinder him as he weaved, whirled, and flowed in and out of his blocks and attacks. Casey was able to keep up, but he knew it was because Leonardo wasn’t fighting at full power or at full speed. His cocky smile had fallen into something both focused and unreadable as Casey threw all his effort into this fight.

Casey punched, feinted, punched, kicked, and hopped lightly over a leg sweep. Leonardo had used that moment to try and push Casey off balance, but the teen instead planted a foot on the turtle’s shin and pushed away from him. His Master straightened out of his fighting stance.

“Casey, I think you should talk to me now.”

“You said we didn’t have to talk.”

“I said I wasn’t good at it, not that we didn’t have to.”

“Semantics.” Casey rushed forward, and for the slightest moment, believed that his Sensei was going to give him a free shot. But at the very last second, he slipped out of the way and Casey nearly tumbled into the mat.

“What, afraid you’ll STUMBLE over your words?” Leonardo smirked.

“Not funny.” Casey grumbled, righting himself and rushing forward for another attack.

Leonardo dodged or blocked every punch, his smirk growing wider. “Have we come to BLOWS, dear pupil?”

“Stop.” Casey hissed, finally landing a shot against Leonardo’s calf. “Hah!”

“Oh Casey, you should’ve told me you were packing!”

Casey looked up quizzically, distracted by the question. “Huh?”

Leonardo’s smirk turned positively devilish. “For your TRIP next FALL!”

Suddenly, there was a hiss, a click, and something sweeping out Casey’s legs from under him. The world spun and he landed on his stomach with an OOMPH. Leonardo laughed lightly, and Casey pushed himself up, hands planted firmly against the mats as he got to his hands and knees and glaring up at the slider as he came around to face him. “Hey! First of all, those puns were awful. Second, I thought there were no…”

He trailed off as he looked up to find his Sensei crouching down and holding something out in his hand. A long, gleaming metal staff was in Leonardo’s palm. No… not a staff. Casey’s eyes trailed along the shiny, gray and purple metals to find that the head of the staff flattened and curved into a “blade”. It was a hockey stick.

“W…what… what is this?” Casey asked quietly, all anger and frustration leaving him in a rush.

“Well, I thought you’d know what it’s called, considering Casey Sr was always using one —”

“No.” Casey’s tone, something quiet and broken, made the turtle stop talking. “I mean… where did you get this?”

Leonardo sat cross-legged now and held it out to Casey. The teen righted himself and sat criss-cross also, taking the hockey stick from his Sensei’s hands. “It’s a weapon. Has a really cool chainsaw feature too, but it’s still locked-down until you pass all the training regimens my brother made to go with it —”

“Leonardo…” Casey’s voice wobbled as he turned over the handle and saw two emblems. Stamped on the center of the blade was Donatello’s Genius Tech symbol. Then, on the handle, right where he liked to hold his practice sticks, was his name in his mother’s rough handwriting, with a heart next to it.

The turtle huffed a laugh and Casey looked up through the tears brimming in his eyes to see his Sensei smiling through his own watery gaze. “A gift from Dee and your mom.”

“W-what?” Casey was shaking his head, hands clutching the weapon tightly. “No… what?”

“There are… a few more things, but Mikey has those for you at the moment.” Leonardo rubbed the back of his neck and then quickly wiped his eyes. “So yeah… Happy Birthday, kiddo.”

Birthday. It was his birthday. He’d forgotten. He… he was thirteen now. He was old enough to fight out in the field if he wanted to; his mom had promised to start taking him with her on missions. Donatello had said he had something planned for him when the day came. They… they…

Leonardo pulled Casey into his lap and let him cry, one big arm wrapping around him tightly and squeezing him. Casey let the days of numbness fall away and let himself fall apart again, clutching the gift to his chest and curling into the one other person who could make him feel safe right now. Leonardo sighed wetly and squeezed him even closer. “I know, kid… I know. But they loved you so much, and they will always be with you. They are always with us.” Casey felt Leonardo’s forehead press into his hair. “You are not alone.”

Casey believed him. He always believed in his Sensei.

The shower was still burning hot when he turned off the water. He hoped it hid any evidence that he’d cried a little; he was so tired of crying. Casey was also beginning to realize his grieving was far from over; he had years of it to make up for, and sometimes the Hamato Clan was so like the… them’s he remembered, it was hard not to get timeline whiplash.

He could practically hear Master Donatello’s older, more weary voice in his head explaining how his emotions were just brain chemicals releasing certain things and “sometimes that activates the tear ducts, which causes one to cry”. It made him laugh a little. Donatello had held his aversion to outright displays of emotion all the way into his late thirties. Leonardo had drunkenly assured Casey once that his twin was “a big, dumb softie” and not to “let him fool you because if he gets too attached, he won’t leave you alone and he’ll always be building you weird shit.”

Casey did laugh at that memory, having already pulled on his clothes and now working on towel drying his hair. His eyes landed fondly on his weapon where it rested on the counter. It was currently folded into its smallest, most compact form for the first time in years. The length of the metal was now about two feet long and much bulkier, and Casey could feel as he picked it up that it would have a hard time reopening without a little prying. Maybe he could have Donnie look at it. Maybe it would make him feel better… give him something to think about that wasn’t Leo.

He made sure the lid on his dirty clothes container was firmly closed so he could wash them later, then made his way to his room. He dropped the box off, grabbed a blanket and a pillow, then headed back for the living room.

Mikey was already passed out on the couch, all his limbs pulled into his shell where he lay on the couch. He had two blankets piled onto him and the sound of soft snoring came from the space his head was tucked into. Raph was nodding off in his gigantic, fuzzy beanbag, his phone slowly slipping out of his hand. He jerked upright at the sight of Casey.

The snapper kept his voice as quiet as he seemed able to. “Hey! How are you doing?”

“Better. The shower was nice.” He smiled. At least he mostly meant it, that he felt better. Sure, the fear that he could still lose this timelines Leo to something as stupid as shell rot was still crawling around his mind and heart, but he didn’t feel as anxious as he had earlier. “When did you two get here?”

“Mikey came to get me. Said he heard Donnie shuffle his way into the medbay and had come to ask for help in pulling him outta there. Thankfully, dad took care of it… after a while.”

“How long was he in there for?”

“Mmmm dad said maybe fifteen to twenty minutes. He was getting ready to go in there and pull him out when Dee decided to leave on his own.” Raph sighed and then gestured toward the area where Leo’s and Raph’s rooms were. “He went to take a nice long soak in the tub. Should be out… sometime. We just gotta give him space right now.”

A prickle of fear ran up his spine. “Shouldn’t we check on him?”

Raph smiled and wiggled his phone in the air. “April has it covered, though she ran to grab us the supplies we need for better shell treatment. She’s got his vital tracker active on her watch, so she shared it with me. Dunno how, but she has it and she’ll know if there’s an emergency, as will I. But uhhh… don’t tell Donnie, okay?”

“Okay. Wow.” Casey shuffled his feet before deciding to sink onto the couch next to Mikey. “You guys… aren’t that different after all.”

“Hmmm?”

“Nothing.” Casey thumbed the handle of his weapon, eyes roaming over the spot where his mom had engraved his name; their name. “Just… thinking.”

Some silence passed between them, and Casey thought the snapper had also fallen asleep, until he whispered, “Is it weird for you? Being here with us?”

Casey settled down further into the couch, pillow and blanket still stuffed in his arms “Yes. But… also, no. In the end, you guys… heh, you’re like family to me… I guess.”

There was quiet, then the soft scratching of a beanbag being pulled across the floor. Casey looked over to see Raph patting the fuzzy blue beanbag where he’d pulled it beside him. Casey was hesitant at first, but the warm, tired smile of the snapper made him give in. He collapsed into it and Raph began arranging the blanket while he fixed his pillow.

“Family looks after family, always.” Raph said softly, ruffling Casey’s hair. Casey made an indignant sound that Raph only chuckled at. “This family… Raph doesn’t want it to be guided by sacrifice anymore. I want us to lead with hope.”

And Casey felt like he was seeing double. He saw Master Leonardo, red and purple bracelets on his wrist with red and purple bandanas on his sword hilt. He saw him standing tall and proud and with a smile, even though his eyes were tired. Back then, Casey could’ve sworn he’d seen whirls of red and purple in the air around him, seen his Sensei’s shoulders relax, before he’d turned and faced his crew.

It would be their last stand. It would be their final war cry. But Leonardo had smiled and shown strength and love, even in the face of death and darkness. He’d been a beacon of hope, alongside his family.

As he began to doze off, he realized something. Now Casey knew; he understood.

All that hope and love and strength hadn’t begun with Leonardo.

It all came from Raph.

Chapter Text

The sky was red with fire and flashing purple lightning from the edges of the portal. They’d just defeated Sister Kraang. Well… they’d buried her underneath steel beams and concrete, as well as the wrecking ball hanging from the crane April had operated.

Yoshi was doubled over, trying to stretch out his sore body and popping his joints until they felt realigned. He was really getting too old for this.

He was going to ask April to call the boys; to ask where they were. He’d seen and sensed their energies fighting somewhere in the sky above them. Yoshi wished he was up there too, fighting alongside them. But, he knew his sons and he knew their strength and their love would get them through this. It was his duty to protect the human world as someone who had once been human himself. That’s what he told himself, over and over as he sensed his sons’ energies fizzling and fading and weakening. He told himself his sons would be okay if they stuck together. He repeated it over and over even when he saw the large red energy of Raphael curling around falling objects and hitting the ground of Staten Island hard.

He reached out with his ninpo, and was relieved to feel that even though they were weakened, they were steady. His boys were strong, they… wait… there were only three energies.

Yoshi’s head tipped up toward the spaceship half-hovering in the portal and stretched his ninpo as far as he could. Barely, just barely, he could sense Blue up there still.

The portal above their heads flickered. He heard Blue’s voice – Leonardo’s voice – from April’s watch com, saying to close it. But… he was still up there. Well, that was okay, he was going to get out, right? The kid was clever… he always had a plan… he always got out and did it with a self-impressed smile.

But… not this time. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, nononononono –

Yoshi couldn’t understand. He could hear the words of his son, he heardthem, but he couldn’t understand. Why was this the only way? Why did it have to be Leonardo and not himself? Why was he… doing this? Why?

The portal snapped inward, squeezing the Technodrome ship tight. April was pulling him behind a trailer to protect them from the following blast. His ears were ringing. He was pretty sure his heart stopped. He couldn’t stand as the blast faded away into a chorus of shrill pops, booming echoes, and then static. He crawled out from behind the trailer and dared to look up… to hope there would be an electric blue portal or the vibrant, bright energy of his loud, clever middle child.

But there was nothing. Nothing. April’s comm on her wrist was all static and white noise. Sister Kraang was laughing, a wheezing, wet sound that punched him right in the space his son should be… in the space that felt like it was being scooped out with razor blades.

Yoshi… no, he’d lost the rights to that name. Splinter stayed there on his knees and finally dropped his head into his hands, burying and pressing his palms deep into the fur and skin of his now mutant face until it began to hurt. He felt his body curling into itself, a pathetic ball of tears and failure and shame.

He’d failed them. He’d failed Leonardo.

Failed, failed, failed.

The ringing in his ears continued to build, filling his head and heart and soul until he wished he could fade to nothing. His son was gone…

Gone, GONE —

“Dad?”

Splinter slowly came to. He’d been staring at the blue light of the projector screen for… well, he wasn’t sure how long. His youngest, Michelangelo, was learning around the side of his chair, a concerned frown pulling at his mouth.

“Hey, Dad? Are you okay?”

Splinter forced a tired smile. “Yes, my son, sorry. I was just lost in thought.”

Orange fiddled with the sleeves of the hoodie he was now wearing. “About Leo?”

“Mmmm.” Splinter looked at his son’s bandaged hands. They were getting better, albeit slowly, but it was good that there was less of an obvious tremble. He reached out a hand and the box turtle took it quickly, sliding his palm into Splinter’s and grasping at his fingers. “I’m thinking of all of you.”

The kid huffed a laugh. “You don’t have to lie, dad.”

“I”m not.” Splinter frowned, squeezing Orange’s hand gently. “It is true that Leonardo is at the front of my mind right now, but I am thinking of you all.” He didn’t add how he’d been thinking near obsessively about what a failure he’d been to his boys. All he’d ever wanted for them was to grow up free to follow their own dreams and not be burdened by the Hamato ways of sacrifice; of grief. And yet, here he was, essentially grieving for his sons and their innocence in a way he hadn’t expected.

“Okay.” His son smiled, leaning closer until his forehead was resting against the arm of the chair. “This… whole thing is a mess.”

“I know.” Splinter released their hands in order to rub the turtle’s scalp. Orange leaned into the touch and Splinter let his hand add a scratch here in there, in the exact places he knew his youngest liked. The kid melted under his touch for a while.

The turtle’s next words came out mumbled and tired. “I don’t… know how to feel.”

“What do you mean?”

“I… I mean I’m worried, but… I dunno.”

Splinter’s hand paused a moment as he thought about the tangle of emotions his son was displaying. “It is okay to feel such conflict, my son.” He began scritching at Michelangelo’s head again and leaned over to place a kiss on the top of his head. “You boys will get through this… we will get through this.”

“But… it seems never ending… all this pain.” The turtle gripped tightly at the fabric of his hoodie.

“It will pass.” Splinter said with more conviction than he felt. “Bad things always do.”’

He just wished he believed it.

An hour later, he was sitting at Blue’s bedside, watching him sleep. He had his son’s hand in his, gently stroking his palms and fingers, pressing here and there in the places he knew sword-fighting made a hand sore. He wasn’t sure if it helped at all, or if it even mattered; he just hoped the thought counted for something.

He was there for a while, just repeating this motion with each hand before moving to his son’s arms and then his shoulders. He pressed and rubbed out the knots and tension he could feel in Blue’s body, even in his sleep. Splinter didn’t know what else to do, since there wasn’t a TV and he didn’t understand the smartphones his kids used. But, in a way, it was nice for him; he felt like he was being useful in some way, rather than just sitting or napping there.

He was working out a spot between Blue’s neck and shoulder when the slider groaned and cracked his eyes open. Splinter smiled softly and his son smiled tiredly back.

“Heyyy, Papa.”

“Good morning, Leonardo.”

The slider slowly turned until he was laying on his stomach and sleepily tapped his other shoulder. “If ya wouldn’t mind… I’d love if ya got the other side, too?”

A warmth spread through Splinter as he smiled and patted his son’s head. “Of course.” He hopped down from the chair and wheeled it to the other side of the bed before locking the wheels and jumping back up. He began working out the knots and tension, a few grunts and pained noises humming from his son’s throat. “I’m not hurting you, am I?” Splinter asked.

Blue’s voice was muffled as he spoke into and around the pillow in his face. “Nnnaaahhh, not really. Jusss… didn’t realize how sore I still was.”

“Would you like for me to keep going?”

“Yes, please.”

Splinter nodded and continued the massage. He did this for as long as his old hands could manage – still longer than he would’ve thought, to be honest – before he sat back and stretched out his fingers in his lap. “How does that feel, Blue?”

“Way better.” Blue mumbled, turning his head fully to face his father and giving him another sleepy smile. “That felt great, thank you.”

The rat nodded and glanced at the bandages around his son’s shell. “How… does your back feel?”

“Mmmm… sore, and a little tender, but not nearly as irritated as it felt a couple days ago. So, overall, I’d say better.” Blue adjusted himself so he was more propped up on his arms as they crossed under his head, tucking the pillow up underneath his chin and pouting into the headboard. “Man… shellrot. That was… stupid of me.”

He couldn’t argue with that, but Splinter worried about the spiral his son might fall into if he followed those thoughts too far. He could still hear the broken pleas from the night before ringing in his head, and he didn’t want to hear them again if he could help it. Splinter’s heart was already in shambles.

“You will be okay, Leonardo.”

“Mmmm.” The sound was noncommittal and a little disbelieving, but it wasn’t an outright objection. Splinter would take that as a step forward. “Where are my brothers?”

“Red and Orange went for a walk.”

“Hmmm… probably needed out of here for a while, huh?” Blue’s grin was strained. “Donnie?”

Splinter didn’t know how to answer that one. Purple was locked away in his room and hardly ate more than a few bites of the food they had taken to him. April had assured them that the softshell was fine, that he would get out of his funk soon, but that didn’t stop Splinter from worrying. He hadn’t seen Purple have a shutdown like that in many years. “Purple… is sleeping.”

That seemed to offer some kind of relief to Blue if the way he sighed and sank further into the pillows was any indication. “Okay.” Silence stretched between them until Leo sighed again. “I’m freakin’ hungry.”

Splinter laughed and reached over to rub Leo’s head. “I’ll get you something to eat. Any requests?”

“Obviously I want pizza, but I don’t think my stomach can handle that right now. Pretty sure I still have a slight fever.” His expression became contemplative. “I’m assuming I need to take some forms of medication, so I need to take something that won’t upset my stomach. That means… ugh.” His eyes flicked over to his dad as an annoyed pout pulled at his beak. “That means I most likely need soup.”

A chuckle shook Splinter as he patted the top of his son’s head before stretching, popping his back this time without needing to do his mamba trick. “Well, I can make you some of my special ramen, if that would make eating soup better.”

Blue sighed with relief. “That would be great. I’m not a fan of canned or cup noodles. They just don’t hit the same.”

Splinter hopped off the chair and made his way to the counter. “Don’t move around too much yet, Blue. We have to change your bandages before I make you some food.”

“Swell.” The slider deadpanned. Still, he laid there while Splinter gathered up the materials he needed – gloves, a new roll of bandages, some kind of liquid medicine as well as a tacky salve in a small jar, some medical tape, and a soft bristle brush – before making his way back over to his son. He set everything down on the little table next to the bed before heading back to the sink to get a bowl of warm water. Once he’d re-settled on a sturdier stool, he began gently cutting and unwrapping the old bandages.

Blue hissed, wincing as the bandages came free from his shell. “Yeah, that smarts. Not a great sign.”

“Do you want more –”

Blue’s head whipped around, eyes flown wide before wincing again at the sudden movement. “No! No morphine.” Splinter’s hands slowed, and Blue must’ve seen something sad on his face because his expression changed to something tired and guilty. “I can… I can handle the pain. Just… no more painkillers, please.”

The rat nodded and continued unwrapping the shell. Under the gentle lighting, it almost didn’t look that bad, but Splinter knew better. The shell was discolored in the main spot of injury on the lower part of Blue’s carapace, and the cracks spidering from that spot looked irritated underneath. They were so small, yet Splinter remembered the research he’d done nearly twelve years ago. Shell rot was deadly if not treated properly and quickly; he’d always feared it would happen to Purple, first. He never imagined he’d be facing this problem now.

Reaching for the soft bristled brush and the warm water, he gently mixed in some disinfectant to the water and dipped the brush in. Then, as gently as he could, he began to scrub his son’s shell. He started from the top and worked his way down toward the cracks. Blue’s body became more and more tense the closer he got to the injury. By the time he was on top of it, Blue had buried his face back into the pillows and his shoulders were hunched, every muscle in his body pulled taught as a low whine filtered from the pillow and into the room.

“Okay, Leonardo, we’re done with that part.” Splinter said softly, placing the brush into the bowl and reaching for the bottle of liquid medicine. He unscrewed the lid and reached for some soft cotton swabs.

From within the pillow, he heard Blue sniff and groan. “Eugh, betadine? I hate that stuff, it smells awful.”

Splinter agreed, his heightened smell making him scrunch his nose and try not to gag. He’d never been a fan of the smell of any disinfectant, but this was definitely awful. His son lifted his head just enough for him to look at his father with one eye. “Be careful not to spill it, that stuff stains like crazy. Also, if it isn’t diluted yet, you’ll need to do that on a one to ten ratio.”

Splinter checked the label and saw those exact numbers written in Purple’s loopy, scrawled writing. “I think your brother already did that by the looks of things.”

Blue stared at the bottle for a moment, flashes of different emotions crossing his face before he sighed again, pressing his face back into the pillow. “My shell better not stain forever from this or I’ll be so mad.”

“It shouldn’t.” Splinter found himself smiling. Blue sounded more like himself than he had in months. He was certainly already talking more than he had all week.

“Good, because as the resident Face Man, I need to keep up with appearances.”

Dabbing some of the orange-y, brown liquid onto a soft cotton swab, he began dabbing it along every centimeter of the crack. His son flinched here and there, but eventually must’ve adjusted to the sting as he stopped moving around. After he was done with that, he took off his gloves and reached for the heat lamp. It was set on a swivel at the head of the bed, and the large metal dome curved wide and long to cover most of the slider’s back in one go. Splinter flipped on the switch and immediately heard a grateful rumble from Blue. Smiling, the rat gave Blue’s head another affectionate rub. “Stay here for a while. We’ll do part 2 of redressing your shell in about twenty to thirty minutes. I’ll go get lunch started for you.”

“Thank you, Dad.” Leo sighed softly, body already melting back into the mattress.

“It’s the least I can do.” Splinter whispered, hopping down from the stool and heading for the exit.

He felt so useless lately. Making his son lunch was truly the least he could do.

He was no stranger to nightmares. None of his family were, by now. It didn’t mean that they didn’t still shake him up, rattle his heart and memory and nerves like he’d been connected to a live-wire and was desperately trying to break free.

Splinter had startled awake and thrown a knife across the room at an invisible enemy. The knife had embedded itself into the wall of the train car with a metallic crunch, the metal vibrating at a high frequency for a few seconds. He was breathing heavily, sweat pooling under the fur around his head and ears. It took a few seconds of darting his gaze wildly around the room before he began to settle back into reality.

He’d been dreaming of his time as a human again. This time, it had been of him fighting over and over in the Battle Nexus against his will. Sure, the warrior part of him had enjoyed the fight and the cheers of the crowd, but every time he went back to his cell, he’d felt sick. Everytime he fought back then, he had to either severely harm or even kill his opponent. The killing was rare, and they were usually accidents. But, even with how bad those times had been, the maiming and severe harm ones felt worse. Every move had to be intentional, and every hit he dealt he continued to feel even now.

This time he’d dreamt of one of those fights, reliving it and accidentally killing his opponent instead of just harming them. Another yokai had come barreling out of the shadows with murderous intent when he’d awoken. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t scared, even back then; Lou Jitsu was a character he’d created to live the high life, not to actually fight for survival. Eventually, he couldn’t even lift his fists, no matter how much the crowd had cheered. He couldn’t bear the thought of hurting another animal-slash-yokai. He hated feeling like he could never quite wash their blood off his hands.

Splinter dropped his head into his hands and breathed, trying to steady the racing of his heart. It was going to be a long day, he could feel it.

He glanced up at the calendar on his wall. It had been three days since his son had been put in the med bay. It felt longer, though maybe that was because it was so reminiscent of three months ago when he’d been floating at death’s door for a week. Blue was so different this time around; he was chatty and whiney and groggy when he was awake and silent when he was asleep. Not that Splinter blamed the whining with how much pain Blue must be in. Still, his son had refused painkillers at every turn, the mere mention of them making him fidgety and somber.

Checking the time next, he saw it was five in the morning. April would be with Blue now, and it would be Casey’s turn next. He pondered what to do and decided maybe some breakfast would be a good place to start. He was sure his kids would be hungry once they woke up; he hadn’t made breakfast in a long time.

He fumbled around the kitchen only half aware of himself and his surroundings. The nightmare still hovered at the front of his mind, and no matter how into his cooking he got, he couldn’t quite shake the cloud it left over him.

“G’mornin’ Dad.”

The new voice turned out to be Orange, wandering into the kitchen with a stretch of his arms over his head. He’d had yet to put his mask on, and Splinter noticed there were a few new golden spots across his face. They are getting older, he thought wistfully.

“Good morning my youngest.” He smiled as the turtle came to lean over his shoulder and see what the rat was cooking. “Hungry?”

“Yes. That smells pretty good.” Orange sniffed the air above the pan that was currently cooking bacon and eggs, then leaned his chin onto Splinter’s shoulder. “Need any help?”

“Maybe get me some plates? I’m almost done with this and then I can give you guys my special pancakes.”

His son’s eyes lit up as he went to grab a small stack of plastic plates. They’d removed all ceramic ones for now, even if Splinter could see the way it had stung the youngest by doing so. “Are you making those fluffy, spongy pancakes?!”

“Indeed.” The rat waved his spatula in the air. “I am a pro at those.”

Orange laughed and set the plates on the counter next to the stove. “I look forward to it! I’ll go wake up Raph and then see if Leo wants any. Donnie…” He trailed off for a moment, his eyes losing some of their sparkle. “Well, I’ll make him a plate and take it to his room.”

“Good idea. I’ll have April check in with him before she leaves.”

Orange nodded and went to check in with the others. Not too soon after, Splinter had four plates of food ready and was just starting to carry them to the table when Red lumbered in, rubbing his eyes. He didn’t have his mask on yet either, and Splinter noted the scar tissue around his right eye, as well as the slight discoloration there.

The least you can do.

“Sit down and eat, my son.” He smiled, setting the plate with the biggest stack of food in front of him as he picked a chair and nearly collapsed into it. Orange came in next, smiling softly as a whiny voice came from his cellphone.

“I am starving, Angelo. Please tell Pops to bring me food ASAP before I wither away.”

“So dramatic.” Mikey smiled into his phone. “We’ll bring you breakfast right now, Leo.”

“Bring me some too!” April’s voice chimed in brightly. “I love those fluffy pancakes Splints makes, and it’s been forever!”

Splinter chuckled. “Everyone is getting food, don’t worry.”

There was a pause as the two shuffled around and Michelangelo found his seat. Then, Blue’s voice came through again, lighthearted and teasing. “What, no smartass remark from Donnie?”

Everyone fell quiet. Orange was first to try and scramble for an answer. “Uhh, well, he’s still asleep.”

“Oh.” Blue’s voice sounded disappointed. Then, haltingly, he asked, “It’s been three days. Is he really asleep? Or does he just not want to talk to me?”

No one knew what to say to that. Then, Raphael spoke up. “Donnie is actually asleep right now, Leo. But… he’s being a little antisocial right now.”

When the other end of the phone went silent, Splinter cleared his throat. “Blue, I am bringing you and April your breakfasts right now. We will talk then, okay?”

“Yeah… okay.”

Orange told his brother he loved him before hanging up and closing his eyes. When he reopened them, he was smiling. “It’ll be fine. Tell him the truth, dad.”

“I will.” Splinter nodded, hefting the other two plates in his hands.

“The whole truth, pops.” Red’s voice was steady and stern, and it was strange to feel smaller under his tone and gaze when he was only seventeen.

Splinter waved his tail as he left the room. “Yes, yes, I know, I will.” Then, he said over his shoulder, “And Red? Go to the living room when you’re done eating.”

“Why?”

“Just… because I said so!” Splinter huffed, scurrying from the room.

He would check on Red’s eye and do what he could. He would make Purple some food and see if he could get a chance to sit with him. He would check in on Orange and his arms and hold him if that’s what he wanted.

They were his sons… his only sons. Maybe he hadn’t asked for them, and maybe it was chance… but he’d like to think it was fate. And as dark as his mind had become in the last year, he couldn’t fall back into the state he was in during his sons’ younger years. He couldn’t keep telling himself his sons would be fine without him. They needed him. And he needed them.

It’s the least you can do.

The talk with Leonardo went about as well as he expected.

April had excused herself to eat with the brothers and to start making a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast for Donatello. Splinter had asked her if he’d want the pancakes and, after she’d taken a bite of the fluffy cakes, had shaken her head.

“It’s already going to be a struggle to get him to eat the eggs. We don’t want to push him too much on textures right now.”

He’d agreed and let April take the reins on making him some food. Then, as Leonardo ate his breakfast, Splinter explained what had happened to the best of his ability.

“Leonardo… ugh, how do I explain?”

“It’s my fault, huh?” His son had asked around the bite he was taking, his eyes trained on his plate.

“Well… I wouldn’t say that.”

“Is he in a shutdown?” He asked in a small voice.

“Yes.”

“Because of me?”

“Because of everything.” Splinter said tiredly. “Listen, Leonardo, and listen closely. Your brothers love you; I love you. We almost lost you once and…” He felt his throat closing, a hard lump forming there and emotions closing a fist over his old heart. It took a minute to start again, but his son listened patiently. “We already almost lost you. It was a miracle you survived, and an even bigger one that we were able to get you back.”

Blue’s head ducked low, tucking slightly into his shell. His voice was a whisper. “I know.”

“I don’t think you do.” Splinter said gently. “For you to get sick like this… it’s scary. I always thought this would happen to you guys when you were babies, and for a while I tied pillows to all of your backs. Donatello just kept his longer because I worried more about his shell.” When his son said nothing, Splinter fiddled with his hands and sighed. “Leo, you have to talk to us about what happened to you.”

“I… can’t.”

“My son –”

“Dad, please, don’t ask.” His son began to pull further into himself, gripping his plate tightly with both hands. “I just can’t.”

Splinter wanted to push him. He wanted to take whatever pain his son was in, take whatever had happened to him, and crumble it to ashes. He wanted his son to live a long, good life, and for him to find love and follow his dreams and just be. And yet… because of their family line, because of his sons and their sense of duty and will to do the right thing and protect the innocent, it had cost them more than he could fathom.

Instead, he just touched Blue’s hand, gently tugging one of his long fingers away from its death grip on the plate. “I am sorry, my son.”

Blue laughed, but the sound was hollow. “For what? It’s not your fault the world was gonna end.”

“And it is not your fault, either.” He watched as Blue’s mouth pulled into a tight line and he squeezed the slider’s finger. “Leo, look at me.”

Slowly, his son looked at him, obviously trying to fight back tears if the set to his jaw had anything to say about it. He managed to pry the near empty plate out of his hands and set it off to the side before holding his son’s hand tightly. “I… I am sorry for what you went through. I am sorry for not being there for you when you needed me and… for being so hard on you.”

“Dad… it’s okay.”

“No, let me finish.” He took a deep breath and reached up with one hand to cup his son’s face. “I am sorry I wasn’t a better father to you and your brothers. I should’ve been there. But… I am here now, and I’m not going anywhere.” He smiled then. “I am so proud of you.”

Leonardo’s eyes watered but the tears never fell. Instead, he smiled and leaned into his dad’s hand, closing his eyes. “Thank you.”

“I love you, Leonardo. Never forget that.”

“I know dad.” He whispered. “I know.”

Splinter spent the rest of his shift in the med bay just sitting with his son, massaging his arms and legs and settling him with another round of heat lamp time until his son fell asleep. He’d talk more with him when the time was right… when Leo was ready.

It’s the least you can do.

Chapter Text

Pops has been checking his eye every day now for a week. Normally, this would’ve been strange behavior from their father, but nothing about the past few months had been normal. And with Donnie still barely speaking to anyone and Leo stuck in the med-bay for at least another week, the only person who was really able to check in on him was Splinter.

Raph would be hard pressed to say his dad was doing badly. In fact, Splinter was doing better than he’d expected. He’d even voiced this the day before by saying, “You're pretty good at this, pops.” His father had puffed out his chest and said, “Of course! Where do you think Blue learned the basics?”

He could tell Leo was starting to get restless, too. He’d asked for his phone on day two, but had since collected their Switch – much to Mikey’s duress – a stack of comics, his favorite journal and pens, and some of his favorite mud masks. And if many of the things he asked for were also Donnie’s favorites? Well… Raph wouldn’t say anything about it.

Still, Leo’s restlessness seemed to be spreading throughout the rest of the Lair. Casey had been a jumpy ball of nerves the last couple days and Mikey was having a hard time sleeping even if it was hard to get him to admit it. Raph wasn’t much better off, but he could manage.

Raph was currently sitting in his beanbag, having just finished another eye inspection and round of medicated eye drops from his dad when his phone pinged softly. Lifting it to the left side of his face, he squinted at his screen through one eye.

L: I’m bored

He chuckled and lifted his other hand to type better. He hoped there weren’t too many typos; it was hard seeing clearly lately, especially after the eye drops.

R: M sorry lil bro. Need anyrhing?
L: Freedommmm
R: No cam do
L: I can break free of this place whenever I want you know
R: So youve said
L: I mean it
R: Suuuuure

He could practically hear Leo groaning long and loud and annoyed, his head tipping back and his eyes squeezing shut.

L: ur mean
R: Just followin the rules
L: rules were made to be broken
R: yeah, that’s the Leo I know.

This time he for sure heard a loud, sharp bark of laughter from the med bay. Raph smiled as he saw Leo start typing again. Then stop. Then start again. Raph frowned at his screen for several minutes before finally writing another response.

R: you good?

He waited, watching the dots appear and disappear again for a few seconds.

L: yeah
R: if you had a lie stink, it would smell gross in here right now

He didn’t hear a laugh, but he could practically feel the smile on Leo’s face as he finally sent another text.

L: woooow. okay, maybe not “good”. But I’ve been worse!
R: As true as that may be… what’s going on in that pointy head of yours?
L: first of all, rude. second, i plead the fifth
R: c’mon Leo, you can talk to me. What’re you thinking about?

Another long pause passed before Raph sighed and got up from his spot on the beanbag. He made his way over to the med bay window and glanced in. The spot Leo had been placed in was pushed far back from the clean window, making it hard to see their brother, but it didn’t make it impossible. Donnie had also placed some caution tape in a perimeter around the train car as a way to stay back, but Raph had already seen Mikey ignoring it when hanging out with Leo at the window and playing cards or charades or whatever other silly thing they’d come up with. It would be funny if anything about Leo’s situation was funny to begin with.

Raph stepped over the tape, leaned over, and tapped sharply on the window. He heard a slight curse and something dropping to the floor. Then, suddenly, Leo was popping into the window’s frame, a pout on his face as he dragged the IV stand behind him.

“You scared the shit out of me.” Leo said, voice muffled through the glass. “Also, you’re supposed to be behind the line.”

“You tell that to Mike when he’s over here?” Raph crossed his arms, raising a brow and grinning.

“That’s different. Angelo gets youngest-sibling privileges.”

“What about oldest-sibling privileges?”

“No such thing.” Leo teased, waving a hand in the air, as if shooing the thought away. But he smiled and leaned against one of the old poles people had once used to keep steady as the train moved. “So.”

Raph raised an eye-ridge. “So.”

“What’s up?”

“I could ask the same.” Raph propped himself up against the side of the car. “Talk to me.”

“Ughhh… it’s… it’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway.”

Leo rubbed the back of his neck. He had less bandages around his body now, which was a great thing to see. Splinter had also retrieved Leo’s leg brace and made him wear it again if he was going to walk around. Leo must’ve taken the advice to heart because he was wearing it, even if he kept absently reaching down to tug or scratch at it.

Then Leo said, “Donnie hates me, I think.”

Raph almost laughed. “That ain’t true.”

“Don’t lie to me, Raph, because you do have a lie stink.” Leo tried for a quip, but it was half-hearted and they both knew it.

“Well, I ain’t lyin’. Donnie doesn’t hate you.”

“I haven’t seen or heard from him since…”

“Since the beach?”

“Yeah.”

And man did Raph wish he could hug Leo. And boy did he wish he could tell Leo how he’d caught Donnie in the med bay several times over now, just sitting in there in that ridiculous hazmat suit and watching Leo sleep. But, during one of those times, Donnie had caught Raph peeking in the window and had immediately stood up, eyes wide, and bee-lined for the exit with a “don’t you dare move” gesture.

[Don’t tell Leo.] He’d signed aggressively the moment he stepped out of the med-bay sanitizing shower and stood a good ten feet away from Raph. [Not a word.]

“Don, he hasn’t seen you once since he’s been himself again.” Raph had argued, voice soft. “You know how he is.”

[Needy. Annoying. Restless.] Donnie signed each one off with a grouchy face and a long eyeroll. He began to step away. [I know.]

“Yeah, and sick, Donnie.” That stopped his brother in his tracks, his eyes downcast. “How often does that happen? Leo may have done something stupid, that’s not new; but this was a different kind of stupid. You know that.”

Donnie stared at the floor, hands clasped together in front of his chest. Then, with a soft sigh, he’d signed [I’ll think about it.] And then he’d left.

Raph blinked back to reality to find Leo watching him. “Donnie’s… well, you know Donnie.”

Leo’s mouth pulled at the corner and he stared at a spot under the window’s edge. “I wouldn’t blame him if he did hate me.”

“Again, he doesn’t. Just… he’s being stubborn and weird right now.”

Leo chuckled. “He’s always stubborn and weird.”

Raph echoed the laugh. “Yeah but, more than usual.”

They let a thoughtful silence pass between them. Raph thought of all the hundred ways he could try and rat Donnie out, but he knew the soft shell would find out anyway, and he didn’t want Don mad at him before he was ready to be verbal again. He also didn’t want to upset him to the point of locking himself fully into his room again, either. Donnie had just started wandering around a bit more again, even if it was mostly when he thought everyone was sleeping and he just wanted some juice or a snack. Or to stare at Leo.

Leo didn’t seem to notice any of Raph’s internal turmoil though. He seemed lost in his own head, forehead scrunched n in a way that made Raph snort a laugh. Leo’s head popped up and he scowled at his brother. “What’s so funny?”

“You had a Leo Chasm.”

Leo’s eyes widened and they continued to do so as his mouth dropped open. “No.”

“Yeah, buddy.” Raph chuckled. “Ya did.”

“No. Noooo this is my nightmare!” He began prodding at his forehead with his fingers, pouting heavily. “I can’t have a Raph Chasm, I’m too young!”

Raph just smirked. “Nah, that right there? That’s a Leo Chasm; your own personal brand.”

Leo groaned loudly, his fingers dragging down his face. “This is the worst. I blame you.”

And he knew it was a joke, and he knew it shouldn’t carry the underlying sting that it did… but it did. He did his best to hide it by smiling, but Leo had always been too good at reading people. His brother’s teasing tone fell away immediately, replaced by a flash of guilt and then concern. “Hey, big guy, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know, I know, it’s fine.” And maybe Raph responded too quickly, or his brother saw something in his eyes, but Leo got quiet.

Then, Leo hissed a breath out through his nose. “Anyway. I’m itchy and tired, so I’m gonna go lay down for a bit. We good?”

“Yeah Leo,” Raph smiled, using the sign language he was still good with to indicate [see you later]. “We’re good.”

Everything was slimy. Everything burned. His head was pounding, sending sharp pains through his skull and down into his spine and arms. He couldn’t feel the lower half of his body, really. Just the dull, nearly numb thumping of his steps as he followed his leaders. As he followed their orders and ran at shades of green and blue with the intent to kill.

He’d just been following orders.

Had he even fought back?

It was so foggy here… so dim. Raph was tired.

Raph?

Who was… Raph?

His head hurt. It hurt, it hurt, he wanted the pain to stop. Something in his chest, somewhere tucked behind his ribcage and wrapped with his soul, began to ache. It began to bite at him, a desperate, feral thing that was trying to get his attention.

It was painful to look at. But he was drawn to it. He reached for it through sludge and slime and decay. He reached for a vibrant red light encircling three other lights. He felt like those other colors were reaching for him. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to reach back, especially with how his throat constricted and that thing in his chest felt like it would burst apart.

Still he reached.

He reached…

It felt like home. It felt like hope.

The darkness swallowed him.

Raph was back in the dojo, destroying yet another sandbag.

Another day had rolled by. Raph hadn’t heard Leo talking to Mikey all day, and when Raph had asked the box turtle about it, Mikey had shrugged sadly. “He says he’s tired. Maybe he just needs a day.”

Raph knew better. He knew it was because of him, and how he’d reacted to Leo’s usual teasing. If anything, Raph should’ve been happy that Leo was teasing them all again, to a degree. He knew Leo’s coping mechanism was humor, but after everything they’d been through… maybe it was more unsettling to see Leo so chipper than it was to see him mope. At least if Leo had been moping, Raph would understand why.

Then, there was that fact as well. Leo… had tried to reach out to Raph. He’d tried and Raph just hadn’t seen. It was beyond frustrating; it was humiliating, and it made a pit of guilt open up in his stomach. How could he be a good big brother if he couldn’t even read the many times Leo had been trying to get help in small ways?

“You stuck in your head?”

Raph whipped around, breathing heavily, to see April watching him. She had her arms crossed and a thoughtful, understanding look on her face from where she was propped against the doorframe. It was such a Leo stance that Raph had to blink twice at her before really understanding what she’d said.

“Uhhh… no?”

April rolled her eyes with a smile. “You totally are. I already tried to get your attention three times.”

Raph’s shoulders slumped. “Oh.”

April walked into the room and sat on the tatami mats a little ways away from where Raph was standing. Then, she patted the floor beside her expectantly, smiling up at him. How could he say no to her? She was the one person he trusted to help him handle the mess in his heart right now.

He plopped down beside her, using the towel slung over his shoulder to wipe the sweat from his face before staring down into his hands. He realized too late that April was waiting patiently for him to talk, and he felt himself wishing he could go into his shell. But he was too big for that now, both physically and emotionally.

So, he tried to tell her. “I… I had another dream.”

April tipped her head to the side. “Bad?”

“Not exactly. More… weird? Gross?” A shiver ran up his spine and he chewed the inside of his cheek. “Painful.”

April’s hand came into view from where he’d been staring at the floor and grabbed one of his large hands. She was so warm, both physically and in spirit, and it eased some of the tension in his body.

“It isn’t real, Raph. At least… not anymore.”

“I know.”

“I also understand that it doesn't make it hurt less.” She squeezed one of his fingers and he lightly squeezed back. “I know how hard things have been. And there is nothing I wish for more than for all of you to stop hurting.”

Raph felt tears spring up, unbidden, as she held his hand. She must’ve noticed because she then patted her lap, grabbing his attention. Slowly, he let himself meet her eyes. Her expression was open, soft, and warm, a safe place for him to be vulnerable, without judgment.

He sank onto his stomach and put his head in her lap. April adjusted her legs so that Raph could put his arms under her knees, fully allowing himself to be stretched out under and around her. She gently tugged his bandana off and set it to the side so she could better scratch at the top and sides of his head. He melted into her, enjoying the feeling of her warm hands and perfectly filed nails against his scalp. Then, slowly, gingerly, she worked down the back of his neck and into his shoulders, her fingertips brushing lightly around the edges of the hole in his carapace.

He wished it didn’t make him flinch, even just barely. He wished the tears hadn’t reappeared as she tenderly hugged his head close to her body, her cheek squishing against his scalp as he fought to swallow a sob.

“It’s okay to cry, Raph.” April whispered, moving her hand away from the hole in his shell and encircling his head fully. “It’s okay to hurt.”

So, there on the dojo floor, he let himself cry quietly in his big sister’s lap as she brushed her fingers all over his face and neck and shoulders. She was careful around his eye and around the scarring on his left shoulder. She was gentle and kind and patient; Raph wished he could repay her for everything she’d ever done for them. He wished he could express to her just how much she meant to him and to them.

But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t.

So instead, he adjusted his arms so he could partially hold her back. He wanted to let her know he was here for her, too. And if she shed a few tears onto the top of his head as they held onto each other… he wouldn’t say anything about it if she didn’t.

This was enough for now.

Two days later, Leo was practically clawing at the walls of the med bay. He was almost medically cleared to not be contagious anymore, though he’d still have to take things easy for a bit while his shell finished healing up. He was on strict no-ninja activity and no mystic-ninja stuff either. To ensure this, Splinter had already taken Leo’s katanas to his room and hidden them away.

Raph just wanted everyone to stop being so anxious about the whole thing. It was making him anxious.

Leo had been texting Raph nearly non-stop the day before — much to Raph’s relief — and it seemed like today, it was Mikey’s turn. His little orange phone kept buzzing on the couch next to Mikey, and nearly every time the youngest unlocked his phone, he was laughing. Raph figured they were sending funny memes or videos to each other, which was good, but the constant buzzing of Mikey’s phone and his near constant bouncing legs was starting to grate on his nerves. So, he excused himself from their marathon of Disney movies to get some space.

He had gone to the kitchen to grab a snack during his temporary escape to see Casey mumbling to himself and fiddling with his tech-bo-hockey-stick-thing over by the skate ramps. Raph decided to forego grabbing his snack for the moment, inching over toward Junior and looking over his shoulder.

The hockey stick was smaller, looking like it had tried to come out of a more compact form and had gotten stuck halfway. Casey was currently trying to pry a hinge loose, a few exposed wires and several small tools scattered around him.

“Everything okay, Casey?”

The kid yelped, jumping at least a few inches from his spot on the floor and nearly dropping his weapon. His head snapped up to look at Raph, eyes wide. “Holy Gutenburg, you scared me!”

Raph couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out of him. “Dude, you sounded exactly like Donnie just now.”

Casey said nothing to that, catching his breath and slowly setting his weapon on the ground in front of his crossed legs.He frowned down at the metal staff, rubbing at his chin. “I can’t get it unstuck.”

Raph stared at it thoughtfully. “Have you taken it to Dee?”

Casey’s shoulders slumped. “He won’t open the door or respond to me.”

Yeah, that sounds about right. Raph thought. Out loud he said, “Want Raph to try and go with ya?”

Casey’s eyes lit up and he shot to his feet. “Yes! I mean… yeah that would be great.”

Raph smiled warmly and patted the kid on the head. Logically he knew he and Case were probably about the same age, but there was something about him that still made him feel like a little brother. Raph couldn’t help the fondness he’d been starting to feel for the future boy. “Let’s go then. Maybe I can help you drag him out of there for a while, or at the very least get him to eat something.”

They stopped at the fridge to get a juice and a couple soft breakfast bars, as well as Raph’s own leftover sandwich. Casey helped carry the juice while Raph handled the food, and they made their way across the main room and down the stairs to Donnie’s room and lab. The lab door was shut and eerily silent, which meant Donnie was most likely in his room.

Raph gently tapped on the newly installed door. “Dee? We brought you some juice and a snack. Also, we have something we’d like you to look at.”

There was no answer. Casey looked up at Raph and shrugged, already resigned to leave. Raph set his hand on the kid’s shoulder and whispered, “Watch.” Then, he stood back from the door a little and said, “Leo’s not doing well.”

The door popped open, Donnie’s hand braced against the doorframe, eyes widened. When he saw Raph’s smirk and Casey’s apologetic half-smile, his eyes narrowed. His hands came up in front of him. [That’s playing dirty.]

“Maybe. For that, Raph’s sorry.” He grinned. Raph didn’t mention that he did actually feel like Leo wasn’t doing well, but that was beside the point. He could deal with his Big Brother Instincts later. “Casey really needs your help with that thing. Also, you need to eat or drink something that isn’t just water.”

Donnie glared at Raph, but it didn’t have any heat behind it. Really, his brother just looked tired. He watched as Donnie’s eyes flicked down to the half-unfolded weapon in Casey’s hands, as well as looked at the breakfast bars, and sighed. [Fine. Lab.]

Raph would take that as a win.

They followed the purple-clad turtle into the lab. The air in there was chilly, which told Raph that Donnie hadn’t been in here in a while. Usually, Donnie liked to keep the lab at a nice mid-to-high sixty-something degrees, but it was definitely colder than that now. Casey must’ve noticed too because he saw the kid shiver a little while he adjusted to the temperature in the room.

Donnie went over to a work table that wasn’t totally cluttered and tapped the surface. He signed something too fast for Raph to keep up with, but was surprised when Casey began signing back, still with a half-smile.

“Whoa, Case, you know Donnie’s turtle sign?” Raph asked, a little awed.

“Yeah! Master Donat –” He trailed off, his mouth pulling into a tight line as he glanced at Donnie. “The Donnie of my time taught everyone he could. I was just one of the easiest to teach because I was a kid and he said we learned faster and retain information longer.” Casey turned away and set his weapon on the space Donnie had indicated. “Anyway, that’s not important right now. My weapon is messed up; it hasn’t been folded into its compact form in a long time. I thought… I might not be needing it at all hours, everyday anymore, so I thought I’d make a little more space in my room. As you can see, that might not have been a good idea.”

Donnie signed something else to Casey. All Raph caught was [okay], [me], and [weapon]. He could make a guess at what was said, and it was confirmed when Case nodded. “It’s fine, Donatello, if it’s you. I trust you with this.”

And that must’ve melted something in Donnie, because the turtle blinked at Casey before a very small smile pulled at the corner of his mouth. [Okay then.]

He signed again and Casey nodded. “That’s fine, we’ll go.”

“Hey, hey now.” Raph interjected with a hint of brotherly threat. “Raph ain’t leavin’ until you’ve eaten something.”

Donnie gave him a flat, pleading look. [Right now?]

“Yes, right now!” Raph insisted. But, the look on Donnie’s face halted him. He knew how hard this could be for his brother when he was in this state. Relenting a little, he softened his tone. “I just don’t want you to wither away, Dee. At least take a bite of one of your breakfast bars and drink some of the juice. I’ll leave you alone after that.”

Donnie thought it over before nodding. Then, he signed at Casey for some things that Raph definitely didn’t understand a bit of, but the kid seemed to know every gesture. His eyes lit up and he raced out of the room.

The moment he was gone, Donnie sagged against the table and gestured for Raph to come closer. Raph did, settling lightly against the table too. They stood like that for a minute and then, surprising Raph, Donnie whispered,

Raph immediately began waving a hand between them, worry overriding all other thoughts at the moment. “No, no, Dee, don’t force yourself. It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk right now. I just… wait, why are you apologizing?”

“For…” He stopped, scrunching his beak, before giving in and signing, [worrying you].

Raph felt his own heart melt a bit. “Hey, Donnie, it’s okay.” Then he lifted his hands to sign. [You are okay. I love you.] He smiled and Donnie managed a small one in return. He stood beside his brother while he unwrapped a breakfast bar and took a small bite. Raph chuckled as Donnie suddenly took two more big bites, completely finishing off the first bar and then swiping up a second one. The side-eye he gave Raph practically screamed at him to not say a word about it, so Raph just put his hands up in mock surrender.

After a while, Casey stumbled back in with his arms full of tools. “I found the stuff you need! I think? Do you need anything else?”

Donnie signed [mask], so Casey nodded, set everything down on the only other counter space he could find at the moment, and dashed back out of the room.

Raph watched him go with a smile. “He’s excited. I think he likes you, Dee; you should talk to him more.” Donnie snorted, but it didn’t come across as mean. If anything, Donnie seemed to be lost in thoughts, having turned around to start poking at Casey’s weapon with one hand while the other continued holding his half-eaten snack.

Raph felt comfortable enough to leave Donnie to his work now. He started to leave, but then stopped only a couple steps away. “While I have you here… you really should go talk to Leo.” Donnie’s shoulders inched upward a bit, keeping his back to his brother. It didn’t deter Raph, though. “I’m serious. I’m not going to force you, and I know you need to do things in your own time. Leo understands that, too. But… at least go wave to him, or respond to his texts, or something.”

Donnie half turned toward Raph, eyes flicking across the stuff on the table and the floor. Slowly, he signed [no texts].

“Why won’t you text him?” Raph asked.

Dee shook his head. [No. Leo hasn’t texted me.]

“Hmm.” Raph hummed. Then, he said, “Then text him. Just say ‘hi’, or ‘how are you’, or… I dunno, call him a dummy. He just wants to hear from you.” He hesitated to continue, but he had to tell the softshell, or he might try hiding from his other half for forever. “He thinks you hate him, Dee.”

That made Donnie turn fully. [What?]

“He told me. Says he wouldn’t blame you if ya did.” Raph took a deep breath and asked, “Do you hate him?”

[No.] Donnie signed with conviction, his face set somewhere between heartbreak and a scowl. [No].

“Then what is it?”

[I…] Donnie ran a hand down his face, then back up, and then he tugged sharply on his mask tails before signing. [I’m scared.]

“Of what? Leo is our brother, he loves us. Yeah he did somethin’ exceptionally stupid, but he misses us. He misses you. And he’s healing really well.”

Donnie just shrugged, lifted his hands, sighed, and shrugged again. [I don’t know. Just scared.]

Raph understood that. He’d spent his whole childhood being afraid. Afraid of himself, of something happening to his brothers, his dad, of someone hurting them. He spent so long being afraid that he’d forgotten just how capable all his brother’s were when they were in their element. And just when he’d started being less protective and letting them explore more freely without his “hovering”, the Kraang had happened. Several of Raph’s worst fears had come true then. His family had been in danger. He’d hurt them with his own hands, nearly killing one of them. And when he’d broken free of the control, of the dark and violence and vast emptiness of being possessed by the Kraang, he’d lost his little brother. For all of three minutes he’d believed one of his brother’s had died. It had been the longest, most horrible day of his entire life.

So, yeah, he understood where Donnie was coming from. He was scared, too. But still…

“Donnie. Listen to your big brother, and listen closely.” Raph made sure his silly brother was looking at him before he said, “It’s okay to be scared. I get it, I really do. But… it isn’t okay to hide away from the world forever. We’ve seen some ugly stuff in the last year and a half, and we’ve been through a lot. It is okay to be scared. But Leo needs us. Hell, he’s probably tired of talking to dad about whatever show he’s currently obsessed with. And Casey’s been a bundle of nerves, April is usually only there when he’s sleeping or about to, and Mikey and I can only keep his attention for so long.”

Donnie chuckled a little, a sort of guilt and fondness and worry washing across his face and body language. Raph continued on. “He needs a fresh face and conversation. He needs you. Besides, you were always the best at talking for long hours with him, anyway. So… at least try, okay?”

Donnie looked like he might cry for a second. Then, with a sharp nod, he turned back to the table and began snatching up tools and fiddling with the weapon. Raph was going to leave it at that, and was already at the lab door, when Donnie said softly, “I’ll… I will.”

Raph smiled. That’s the Donnie I know.

Chapter Text

April was not one to fall apart easily, but man, it was getting harder and harder not to these days.

Two weeks had rolled by since Leo had passed out on Donnie, developed shell rot, and had a heavy, morphine and fever induced PTSD episode. April was pretty sure she could still hear Leo’s screams and whimpers echoing in her head. She could still feel his pulse under her fingertips where she’d pressed a cloth to the inside of his elbow as he bled, and she could still feel the way Leo’s entire body had shaken as he’d stared at the floor.

April hated that he wouldn’t cry. Even then, half out of his mind with fear and fever, he hadn’t cried at all. It terrified her. She didn’t get it.

The next time she’d seen him awake had felt like the biggest whiplash of her life. He’d been sitting up and downing a bowl of Splinter’s ramen and he’d smiled big and bright at her, waving a hand casually. It was as if he wasn’t locked in the med bay and covered in bandages and medicine. It was like he was in his own bedroom, casually eating and reading comics and totally not like he’d gotten horrifically sick just a couple days prior.

April had wanted to slap him.

But, she’d shoved the feeling down and had returned his bright greeting with her own. The time for talking about what had gone down with him would come, eventually. Right now, he probably needed the distraction. If it helped him heal faster so she could finally kick his ass, then she’d take it.

She knew Leo was pretending. She knew he was bad at handling real, big emotions. April just didn’t know why. He was in so much pain, both physically and mentally, and still he refused to shed more than a single tear here or there. Crying would probably feel so good if he’d just… let himself.

April didn’t get it.

If he wouldn’t cry, she would cry for him.

It’s what she did now, hands gripping either side of her apartment sink, shoulders shaking and tears plopping into the off-white porcelain bowl. She was biting her lip, trying to quell the flow, but it was a hard battle. She was supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago. She’d been here for – easily – ten of those minutes just glaring down into the sink, her glasses having long been discarded on the small shelf next to the mirror.

Even more than that, she wasn’t sure what exactly had triggered this particular wave of sadness. Maybe it was thinking about the fact that Leo would be allowed to leave the med-bay today or tomorrow. Maybe it was the nightmare she kept having about her family dying around her and them all saying it was her fault; her plan. She was the big sister in their hearts and she was supposed to protect them. Her plan had nearly taken one of her brothers from her.

Damn. She really thought she was past this.

She yanked a tissue from its box next to her glasses and blew her nose. Get it together, O’Neil. You’re already late.

Just then, her phone buzzed from where it lay tucked in her jacket pocket. She fumbled it out of the fabric and turned the screen up to her face. Of course it would be Donnie. Who else… wait.

She pressed the answer button with a firm, quick tap, and yanked it to her ear so fast she nearly hit herself with the screen. “Donnie?!”

“Good afternoon to you too.” His voice drawled, a hint of a smile there. He was raspy, but otherwise sounded normal.

April felt fresh tears spring into her eyes. She felt her jaw clench as she fought the emotions back. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I was wondering where you are.”

Nope. She couldn’t fight it. A small, strained sob escaped her. “I’m… on my way.”

Donnie’s tone turned worried. “Are you okay? I can ask Raph to —”

“No.” April wiped her eyes for what felt like the hundredth time. “No, I’ll be there. I’m fine.”

“I’m banning that word from this family.” Donnie mumbled. Then, clearer, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” April sniffed, finally grabbing her glasses and sliding them onto her face. “For what, exactly?”

“For… me.” He sighed, coughed, and made a raspy, frustrated sound. “I guess… yeah, for me.”

“I’m just happy to hear your stupid voice again.” She chuckled, leaving the bathroom and heading for her front door. April snagged her keys from their hook on the wall, checked to be sure she had her fresh hair bonnet in her pocket, and slipped on her shoes.

“Scoff! My voice is not stupid.” He pressed, his voice straining.

“Stop talking, silly, I don’t want you to push yourself too hard.” She teased. Donnie made an indignant squawk and she laughed. “Yeah, I know I said I was happy to hear your voice, and I am! But, I want you to save your words, because I know you still haven’t spoken to Leo.”

The other end of the line went quiet and April knew she had him then. Donnie mumbled. “Fine, no, I haven’t, if that's your way of prying. I… sigh, I need you here… for moral support.”

Hearing him say so aloud was surprising but also heartwarming. Donnie had been a lot more open with his feelings since… everything, but he was still Donnie.

“I’m on my way. Be there in fifteen.”

“Okay.”

Donnie was in his lab when she arrived. He had his spider shell on the table, half-constructed with wires sticking out everywhere, and his goggles were flipped down over his eyes as he welded something. April tipped her head to the side and watched him for a moment.

When Donnie had a pause in the welding, she said, “I thought you were going to re-do that shell?”

He didn’t flinch, which meant he must’ve known she was there. Flipping his goggles up onto the top of his head, he looked at her and said, “I am. Sorta. I don’t know if it’ll still be a thing to worry about now that it’s been months but… anyway. Good afternoon.”

April shuffled over to him and half opened her arms. “Hug?”

The softshell practically crushed her into one, holding tight and lifting her off her feet. Then he set her down and fiddled with his hands. “Thanks… needed that. Dad should be getting off his shift with Leo soon… and I think Leo should be good enough to leave the med-bay tonight.”

“That’s great news!” April beams. Then, her smile falters a bit. “But, you’re not happy about that?”

“No, I am! I… it’s… I don’t want him to hurt himself again.” Donnie stared hard at the ground. When April said nothing, he continued on, the words pushing back to back like they’d been stuck in his throat for days. They probably had. “I don’t… know what’ll happen. Even our home is an uncontrolled area and environment. There are so many things that could go wrong. His shell, while almost fully healed, still needs at least another week or so for me to feel comfortable enough to let him be himself. He won’t need the brace much anymore either — unless he gets flare-ups — but he might start being too wild the moment I tell him that, so I’m trying to keep it under wraps. I don’t want Raph to hover too much because that’ll just irritate Leo and probably make him act out more, even though I think it would be good to have him on a buddy system for the next week, at least. Mikey, wow, I don’t even know where to start with him. I haven’t been able to inspect his arms in maybe a week, and I don’t know if dad is doing it, but I don’t want Leo doing it, which leaves me. And –”

“Donnie!” April set her hands on his shoulders firmly and gave them a squeeze. He snapped his jaw shut, though his eyes stayed on the floor. “Donnie, just breathe. Everything will be okay. You can’t keep Leo locked up forever.”

And she didn’t have to hear what went unspoken from the sound Donnie made; that he may prefer to keep Leo locked up. Not just for medical reasons, but for personal ones. April would be a fool not to have noticed the steady, drastic changes in Donnie since the invasion. It made her happy, in its own ways, but it also concerned her.

Donnie looked like something had broken in him after that day, somehow. His shell was healed but April knew he still thought about the Technodrome. She knew he still woke sometimes in a cold sweat and the need for some deep pressure on his back to chase away the ghost of alien tendrils drilling into his body.

She worried he wouldn’t heal.

Shaking her head, she squeezed Donnie’s shoulders again. “I promise you, it’ll be okay. But you have to talk to Leo. Really talk to him, okay?”

He nodded. Three slender, scarred fingers wrapped around one of her wrists as he squeezed back. “Okay.”

She went looking for Raph next. He’s in his room, haphazardly cleaning it at a slow pace. He kept looking at his phone and didn’t notice April was there until he turned and spotted her peeking in the door.

“April! When did you get here?”

A smirk stretched across her face. “And here I thought you guys were ninjas. You didn’t sense me at all?”

Raph chuckled and looked a little embarrassed. “My mind was just… somewhere else.”

She gestured with her chin toward his phone. “You waiting for a text?”

“Yeah.” Raph stopped, eyes flitting around April before landing on her. “I’ve been waiting for Leo to text me. He’s been a little quiet again, and I just… I’m worried, I guess.”

Quiet? On his day of freedom? “Does he know he’s getting out today?”

Raph shrugged. “I mean, as far as I’m aware, Pops and Junior told him he’s out either today or tomorrow. I really thought he’d be clawing at the walls and the door to get out of there. The only reason being in the med-bay worked this long before was because he spent most of it fully unconscious.”

April noted the way his expression soured the moment the words were out of his mouth. She approached him and set her hand on his arm. “What’s really got you worried, big guy?”

The snapper looked down at her hand and April was suddenly overcome with a wave of deja vu. She remembered Karai’s spirit in her body, and how she’d been able to help Raph connect with the Hamato ancestors through a very similar touch. Before she could think further on it, Raph says, “Something isn’t right with Mikey. And obviously something isn’t right with Leo and Donnie, but Donnie seems to be recovering a bit.”

“Yeah, he’s talking today! When did he break through? He seemed ready to yap my ear off a few minutes ago.” She chuckled fondly.

“This morning, apparently.” Raph echoed her laugh. Then, his face fell again. “But he still ain’t spoken to Leo.”

“I know, big guy.”

Raph taps his fingers together. “You don’t think Dee hates Leo, do you?”

That surprises her. “What? No! In fact… I’d say it’s quite the opposite. Why would you ask that?”

He shrugged, obviously thinking about how to voice the thing that had made him ask in the first place. But he seemed to think better of it for some reason, switching gears. “I think we need to have a family… inter… ugh, what’s the word?”

“Intervention?” She offered.

“Yeah, that! Anyway, we need a family intervention session, and soon. I can sense it… something is still off and Raph don’t know what else to try except the direct approach.”

April smiled at that and patted his arm. “Yeah, that sounds like you. When do you think we should do it? I agree that sooner rather than later would be for the best.”

“Maybe after Leo’s more healed up? I feel like if we try anything too soon, it’ll be hard to get everyone to participate. But, if we wait for too long… well, then it’ll just feel too late to fix whatever is happening right now.”

April nodded. “I agree. Let’s talk to Splints about it and see what he thinks. Maybe…” She looked down at where she’s still resting a hand against her brother’s arm and smiled. “Maybe we can connect via your guys’ Ninpo again. It’s been a while since you guys have used your abilities like that.”

Raph’s eyes light up at that. “That’s a great idea, April! Yeah, I think we should give that a try. It helps to use that when… when words are harder.”

She gets it. She remembered what it had felt like to have Karai in her head. It had been warm, like the rays of sun in late summer during a clear afternoon. The glow of her voice had filled her head, spread from her heart to the entirety of her body like a safe cocoon. She’d accepted April without a second thought; she’d seen her as family. April would be damned if she watched her second family fall apart right before her eyes when she could do something about it. She would do something about it.

“Let’s aim for a week or two from now. Leo needs a bit more rest, Donnie needs to try and talk with him, you need to take a day off from big bro duties and –”

“What?! No! I’m not taking any time off.”

“Raphie.” April lowered her voice. “You cannot help our brothers if your own spirit is a mess. You and I, we’re gonna meditate together to prepare. Capiche?”

Although he didn’t look happy about it, he nodded slowly. “And Mikey?”

“Mikey needs to stop trying to cook for everyone if he wants his hands to get better. I think he also needs a day off; I will take care of the cooking and food for a few days. You are more than welcome to help me, if you’d like. I know you like having something to do.” She smiled warmly. It seemed to get through to him because the tension eases from his body as he sets one large hand over hers.

“Thank you, April. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He paused, his eyes suddenly searching hers. “Are you okay, April? Your eyes look a little puffy.”

She waved his hand away where he’d started to reach for her face. “Raph, I’m okay. Just… it’s been a lot, ya know? But it’s been like that for all of us.”

He frowned. “Please don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. You know you can always talk to Big Raph here.” He pointed at his chest, finger tapping just under and to the right of the new gash in his plastron. April… she looked away from it.

Instead, her eyes roved up to his face with a smile. She ignored the way her chest felt too tight in the moment; she would deal with her own issues on her own. “I know. Thank you, Raph.”

All she can do is let him wrap her into a hug and try not to think about her nightmares, clinging to the large snapper like a lifeline. She and Raph aren’t that different, at the end of the day. They both just want to be useful. She’d do anything to help them… always.

She’d planned to go looking for Mikey, but she came across CJ first. He was just approaching the tunnel that branched toward the dojo when his eyes met hers. Lifting a hand, he gave a near bashful wave and a tired smile. “Hey.”

“Heya, Case.” She beamed. “On your way to do some training?”

Casey half shrugged, that wobbly smile trying to hold on. “Uhh, you could say that.”

Yeah right. April’s been around the others enough to know Casey’s tells he picked up from their other selves. The slight shift of the feet from Donnie, the nervous finger taps from Mikey and Raph, and the breezy, too simple, please-just-brush-it-off response that is so Leo. She shoved her hands in her pockets and grinned as she crossed the room to meet up with him. “Oh come onnnn, I’m not buying it. What’s going on, Junior?”

His feet shuffled again. “I… need…” He took a deep breath and continued walking. “I need to blow off some steam.”

Ah. “Mind if I join you?”

That stopped him. He whirled around, a sparkle of shock and excitement in his eyes. “Really?”

“Yeah! I train with the boys… sometimes. Honestly, I’ve been extremely lucky on more than one occasion, but I have some skill! I guess you could say I’m built different.”

Casey laughed softly at that and straightened his posture. “Well, I wouldn’t be against you joining. It’s… been a long time since I’ve been in the dojo with you. Future you, I mean.” It’s said quickly, maybe even a hint embarrassed about it, but she didn’t mind him talking about her future self. In fact, she’d been quite curious about it.

She slung an arm across his shoulders when she reached his side, and he seemed to stoop just a little lower to allow it. The gesture warms her heart. “I’d love to hear more about what I was like in the future. But, only when you’re ready for it, bud.” She squeezed him close to her, causing the boy to stumble, and laughed. “Until then, we can just be us. Besides, I have something I’d like to talk to you about after we train, if that’s okay with you.”

His responding smile was soft. “Sure thing, Aun – I mean! April.”

“It’s alright kiddo, old habits and all that.” She let him go and tucked her hands into her jacket pockets as they strolled to the dojo at a leisurely pace. “It’ll be good to move around some more. I’ve been spending most of my time cooped up in my room studying and doing online classes. Hell, there’s even one or two profs that have made us attend in person, and half the campus is still locked down to be reconstructed! It’s so dumb.”

Casey shrugged. “Donatello told me he hasn’t been able to go to the scrapyard since it all happened; the place has apparently been surrounded by caution tape and some kind of workers to try and clean up the mess the invasion left behind there. Some government officials have been digging around places like that in case any… infected are lurking around.”

She nodded along, but three steps into the dojo she stopped and felt her eyebrows raise. “Donnie spoke to you? When?”

“Earlier this morning.” Casey’s smile grew fond again, and April knew his happiness was layered with the way he must miss his Donatello. “But he’s been signing to me now for a couple days. He’s even been letting me help him out in his lab!”

“That’s great, Case!” She said aloud, genuinely happy with the news. “I’m sure it’ll take a load off his shoulders to not have to work on any of his projects alone. I’m glad you’re here to help him.”

“Me too.” He began tying his hair up and kicked off his shoes before placing them at the edge of the sparring mat. “Would… you like to spar? Or do you want to do something else? I’m okay with either.”

April felt herself grin slyly as she kicked off her own shoes and came to stand beside him. “Oh, I’m always down for a spar.”

His grin matched hers, and there was a familiar twinkle in his eye. “I figured.”

They got onto the mat and stood across from each other. Both shifted into their battle stances, Casey’s mirroring what April recognized as a mix between Leo and Mikey, then snorted as he gestured for her to move first. Confident in ourselves, huh? Okay, “Leo Jr.”, let’s see if you can keep up with April O’Neil.

She paced around him, wondering if he’d follow in a circle, and was surprised when only his eyes followed her. Oh well; only one way to find out what he could do. April flexed her fingers and raced in for Casey’s side.

His palm swooped her wrist as he twisted out of her first jab, using her momentum to swing her out of his hit box. Ah, okay, he’s the slippery kind, like Mikey and Donnie. She quickly adjusted her footing, already seeing how Case’s eyes darted toward her feet. He tried to hook an ankle around hers, but she lifted the foot he’d been aiming for and planted it on the other side. Her hand flew out, palm flat, and connected with his shoulder just before he could shift it back. His own palm came up from underneath and slapped the back of her upper arm. Instinctively, she wanted to bite at the hand, like she would’ve done to any of the boys, but he’s already trying to re-hook her ankle and topple her.

Damn, he’s fast.

She stepped back, body half-turning as she did, and saw Casey’s open palm racing for her arm again. At the last second she ducked down, her hands reaching up and snatching his arm as she twisted and tried to hip toss him. It almost worked, but Casey is bigger and much more flexible than she had anticipated. He huffed a laugh as he actually pulled her down with him and rolled. She yelped as she flopped onto her back, her senses feeling how Casey was trying to pin her. He’s not as bulky as the turtle brothers, and the lack of a shell made him much harder to nail down due to his flexibility, but she knew she could do better than this.

With a strong push of her feet against the mat, she shot herself deep into Casey’s hold and felt her head connect with his gut. It briefly knocked the wind out of him, which gave April a chance to roll sideways and up onto her knees. She was ready to defend herself instantly, but instead, she saw Casey doubled over on the mat, his shoulders shaking.

Immediately all the playful fight left her and she stepped closer. “Whoa, hey, are you okay, Case? Did I hurt you?”

He looked up then and… he’s laughing. “You fight just like I remember.” He gasped, one hand absently rubbing at his stomach. “You don’t think like the others. You’re hard hitting and quick, but also unpredictable. And don’t think I didn’t notice the look you gave my arm; you SO wanted to bite me.”

“Sorry, habit.” She half laughed as she watched him. Casey’s face began to morph into something sad as he laughed. Tears started up in his eyes. “Casey?”

“Sorry.” He sniffed, wiping at his eyes. “You just surprised me. I forgot how fun it was to spar with you.”

She plopped onto the mat beside him. “Do you want to keep going?”

“Yeah, just give me a minute to catch my breath and… recover.” He said, looking away from her. Yeah, she can do that.

After a minute, she asked, “Do you want to move in with me and my parents, Casey Jr.?”

“Huh?” His jaw was slack when he met her eyes again. “Why?”

“I dunno.” She fiddled with a fraying edge of her shirt. “I just thought it would be nice for you to get out of here once in a while. I want you to see the sky and feel grass under your feet and… I dunno, go eat somewhere new. Maybe go to a park and pet some dogs or feed birds or… something.”

“Are you sure you want me in your house?” He asked, voice quiet. “I don’t want to impose, Miss April.”

She nudged him with an elbow. “Just April, bud, I’m not much older than you. Also, I wouldn’t mind having you one bit! My mom wouldn’t either, I’m sure. All I’ll have to tell her is I have a friend who was displaced by the invasion and she’ll probably insist that you come over right then and there!”

He chuckled and looked at his hands. “I’ll… think about it.”

“That’s good enough for me.” April smiled and stood up, holding out a hand. “Want to go again?”

He took her hand and let her pull him to his feet. His expression was still a little sad, but it’s also eager. “Of course.”

April lowered into her stance again. “Bring it.”

Leo is let out of the med bay later that night.

He’s no longer quiet, like Raph had mentioned. He’s chatting away at a breakneck pace about anything and everything. The only thing April felt like she was able to process was that he was hungry, he wanted a long hot shower – to which Splinter said absolutely not because his shell still needed a bit more time – and he wanted to walk around the lair for a bit before being put back on bed rest.

He wore the brace without complaining, though April could see how he kept scratching at it. She made a mental note to take a look at his leg underneath later and see if he needed some skincare or if he needed a more comfortable brace. Well, as comfortable as a brace could get, she supposed.

He talked nearly the entire time Raph helped him walk around the Lair. Leo’s legs were a little stiff and wobbly from being in bed so much the last couple weeks, but he waved them all off when anyone asked about it. “Just gimme a day or two and I’ll be back to normal; I’ve just been laying down too much and that room was too small to be of much use for walking.”

Splinter agreed to add daily walks to the recovery regime. Leo insisted he’d need to walk around the lair at least twice a day, but three would be more ideal. He smiled at Raph, but this one looked strained as he said, “Knowing me, I’ll probably want to walk around at ungodly hours of the day due to sleeplessness. Maybe I can bug one of you to walk with me.”

April knew instantly what he’s hinting at; who he’s hinting at. She glared in the direction of Donnie’s lab. He still hadn’t come out to greet them or help them.

It wasn’t until Leo was being told he'd walked long enough, that he should go to his room, that April really saw Leo’s face fall. He tried to cover it up, but she’d seen it, and so had Raph if the sad scrunch of his eye ridges had anything to say about it.

That’s it. I’m calling age rank on his ass. April thought as she spun on a heel and bee-lined for Donnie’s lab.

She felt rather than heard the blaring music before she got there. It didn’t matter to her though; she knew that Donnie would know she was there. Curling a fist, she banged it against the thick metal door of his lab. “Donatello, you better open up!”

The music turned down – barely – and after a moment, the metal opened just enough for Donnie to peek out at her. He at least had the sense to look nervous. “Oh, hello April, what brings you here?”

“Don’t play dumb with me.” She glared. He couldn’t meet her eyes. “Leo’s been high-key asking for you for the last hour.”

“I’m busy.”

“No, you’re not. You promised Raph you’d talk to him. You promised me.”

Donnie finally turned the music down more, and it made her ears feel like they were buzzing. He opened the door further and slumped against the frame. “I know.”

“Then what’s the deal?”

“I’m… I don’t know. I stepped out of here four times and each time I couldn’t make it past the first stair. I couldn’t do it.”

April wilted a bit at the open admission. “Dee, he needs you to talk to him.”

Donnie pulled his arms around himself and looked at the ground. His voice was so quiet. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything.” He looked up in surprise and she shrugged. “You two haven’t always needed to talk, anyway. Do what you’ve been doing; sit with him. Let him talk your ear off, and see you and, I dunno, maybe let him hug you? You gotta do something, Donnie, or it’s just going to get harder.”

He thunked his head against the doorframe, chewing at the corner of his lip. Then, he says, “Will you walk with me?”

“Yes.”

“Can you… also tell the others… to give us a minute? Just the two of us?”

“Whatever you need, Dee.”

“Okay.” He nodded to himself, then more assuredly, to her. “Okay, let’s go.”

“Good.”

They walked up the stairs together, then down the hall. She delivered the message to the brothers about needing time, and they left Leo’s room just as Donnie was approaching the bottom of the stairs that lead to Leo and Raph’s train cars.

He went into Leo’s room with a thumbs up from April. He returned it nervously then went inside. The rest of them headed up the stairs to start making dinner.

She wished she’d known what was said.

Maybe then she could’ve seen it coming.

Chapter Text

Leo thought this was all a bit… much. He was surrounded by plushies and pillows, three blankets piled over the backs of his legs where he was stretched out across his bed. It was really nice to be back in his room, but he’d hardly had a moment’s peace since he’d been let out of the med bay.

It was less nice that his brothers had left so quickly. He thought they were going to stay and hang out, but they’d all checked their phones and waved their goodbyes not even five minutes after getting him settled.

He’d just begun to let himself go into full pout mode when his door squeaked open again and in walked Donnie. Leo sat up and looked him up and down, shoving down the sudden ball of nerves forming in his throat and chest. He grinned. “Ah, the man of the hour. How’s it going, Don Tron?”

The purple turtle shuffled closer, his eyes darting around the room and around Leo. His brows furrowed. “Why… are there so many stuffed animals around you?”

Leo laughed, a hand coming up to catch one smaller bear as his laughter tumbled it off the top of the pile. “I know! It’s a lot, right? Raph and Mikey insisted, and I just couldn’t say no to them this time. I think they’re trying to make me cozy.”

Donnie’s nose scrunched. “It looks suffocating.”

“It kind of is, but what can I do?” Leo shrugged, catching two more plushies in his lap. He wouldn’t admit that he was too tired to get up again and move everything. Hell, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept this much. Being sick like that really took it out of him, which he found weird, because even his injuries from the Kraang hadn’t left him this tired.

Then again, he’d been in a coma for a week, so maybe that made up for it.

Nope. Shutting down that train of thought before it derails my whole day. Leo squeezed one of the teddy bears a little more tightly than he needed to as he looked back up at Donnie. “So… how’ve you been? I haven’t heard your voice in what feels like years.”

“That’s dramatic of you.” Donnie said flatly, now leaning against one of Leo’s makeshift shelves built into the metal poles of the train car. “It’s only been about a week.”

“It’s actually been closer to two weeks.”

“Semantics.”

Leo’s chuckle sounded tight, even to his own ears, and he coughed to cover it. Man, he didn’t think it would be so awkward to talk to Donnie of all people. His brother was strange but it had never been hard to talk to him. He could cut the tension in the air with his swords like a hot blade through butter. It was near unbearable.

Raph said Donnie doesn’t hate me… and I know he’s technically right. But, what if he’s wrong? This whole thing feels… forced.

Donnie sighed. “How are you feeling?”

“As good as I can.” Leo shrugged. His mood, while not fully back to… normal, had been much brighter the last couple days. But now? His mood is quickly tanking into something sad and dark. If Donnie didn’t want to be here, then he shouldn’t be; plain and simple.

“I’m glad.” Donnie said softly. He sounded like he meant it, but Leo couldn’t be sure. Which was also weird because Leo could usually read Donnie so well, but right now he was…

“Yeah.” Leo snuggled down into his mountain of plush items and turned to face the wall. “Anyway, I’m kinda tired.”

“Oh.” Donnie sounded a little bit hurt, and Leo wanted to turn over and face him. He’s aware he could be misreading everything right now, but he cannot deal with it at the moment. Stubbornly, he stayed where he was as he got comfortable on his side and tugged a larger stuffed animal – this one was a turtle, ironically – closer to his chest. Leo listened as his brother shifted from foot to foot. “Do… you need me to get you anything from the med bay? Or, in general?”

“I left my phone charger in there.” He mumbled, closing his eyes so he didn't have to think about how much he felt like Donnie didn’t want to be here. “Can you grab it for me?”

Donnie sounded just a little lighter. “Sure. Anything else?”

He just wants out of here. I get it; I do too. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Okay. I’ll be right back.”

Donnie left. Leo breathed shakily around the lump forming in his throat and pressed the stuffed turtle to his chest so tightly, he worried he’d tear it apart at the seams. He wished Donnie would just come out and say it. He wished he’d just tell him he hates him.

They went through all the trouble to save him twice. He couldn’t understand why they were doing it. A small piece of him, from somewhere deep down in his spirit, screamed that, of course they saved him. Of course they’d take care of him! Leo is family; they love him. But the dark had grown teeth and claws. It sprouted yellow and red eyes and had broken his body over and over. He’d give anything to feel like himself again, but now he wondered who that person was.

Have I ever been myself?

His eyes closed tightly, and he hoped that sleep would take him, for once.

He was so dizzy. Even before his eyes were open, he felt like his head was spinning circles somewhere above his shoulders. Also, why was the room so cold?

“Leonardo?”

Dad? His body shakes, and he feels… ew, he feels sweaty. He tries to grip the blankets and tug them closer to himself but his fingers can barely grasp the edge of the blanket. A slow ache begins to flare through his entire body, and a steady whine begins somewhere in his lungs.

“Leo, you are okay. Are you cold?”

He nods once, twice, and shivers again. Man, his body hurts; his shell feels like it’s on fire, singeing into his muscles and through to his insides. He’s burning… he’s freezing. The blankets are pulled up higher over his shoulders, the fabric softer than last time, and he desperately wants to tunnel underneath and pull into his shell and not come out for… years, maybe, he isn’t sure right now.

Pain lances through him when he tries, and he hears himself make sounds he hasn’t made since he was a child. A hand settles on the back of his head and scritches in his favorite spot. He feels himself relax just a little. “You can’t go in your shell right now, Baby Blue.”

His dad’s voice is soft and sad. Why does he sound like that? It’s because of him, he’s sure. Is it because he’s sick? Why does his body hurt so much? Leo blindly reached for his dad’s hand, missing twice before finally grasping his small wrist. “P-papa.”

“Yes, my son?”

“C-cold.”

“I know.”

“Hurts.”

His dad moves closer, crawling onto the mattress beside him and pressing his warm fur against Leo’s side. Great pizza supreme, finally, some warmth. His dad sits there against him, stroking the back of Leo’s head and humming softly. Then, he says, “Sleep, Leonardo. It’ll help you heal faster.”

Sleep. Yeah, that sounds nice. He hears a slight hiss as something comfortably warm enters his veins, and his body relaxes slowly. The pain fades. He lets himself fade with it.

His shell itches… it burns. He wants to take it off and throw it across the room and tear every single bone from his own body. This is almost worse than when he’d woken up covered in bandages from after the invasion. Almost. Still, being in his skin was making him want to split at the seams.

He’d sworn that Donnie had been here. Why hadn’t his brother come to talk to him? Raph and Mikey had spoken to him through the speaker system that had been set up. They’d waved and even done some Turtle Sign through the windows when he was lucid enough to reciprocate it. But he hadn’t seen Donnie.

Maybe this was the mistake Leo couldn’t come back from. Donnie had been really mad before Leo had collapsed from fever and exhaustion. Everything after that was so fuzzy… so distant.

He wants to see Donnie so badly, it hurts. He wants his forgiveness. He wants Raph to hug him. He wants Mikey to talk and talk and talk, maybe even draw on his bandages or give him fun band aids. The ever eternal sunshine of their family… he wants that warmth. He wants his brothers. He needs them.

He won’t cry.

Leo presses his face into the pillow as hard as he can and tries to sleep. He will not cry. He doesn’t deserve to feel bad; he did this to himself. This was pain he could handle.

Pain is only in the mind.

He scratches at the insides of his arms under the blankets.

Pain is only in the mind.

He will not cry.

Breath after shuddering breath fills the air as CJ sleeps in the chair by the monitors. Leo begs for sleep to take him, even though he knows this is a trial brought upon by his own stupidity. His own recklessness. His own foolish actions.

Leo misses the water. He misses the quiet it brought when he dove deep and dug his fingers and toes into the soft sand at the bottom. He’d sit down there and hold his breath, letting the soft hum of the moving current fill his loud mind until he was empty. Until he was tired. Until he couldn’t hold his breath anymore.

He craves the water.

He hates Kraang for cracking his shell. He hates himself for being so weak.

He scratches harder.

Sleep doesn’t come for hours.

Mikey kept winning at Speed, his cards flying out of his hands at a breakneck pace. Leo was laughing. “You totally rigged your hand.”

“I would never!” Mikey cries indignantly. He’s smiling, which makes Leo feel a lot better. What doesn’t make him feel great though is how Mikey’s hands are still shaking.

“How are your hands, Angelo?” Leo asks as casually as possible, his fingers dealing cards onto the piles in front of him.

Mikey snorts. “They’re fine,Leo. Don’t worry about it.”

“I do worry.” Leo is stumped for a moment, his brain trying to multitask the cards and the high possibility that this conversation can turn emotional at any moment. “Has anyone been checking on you?”

“No need, I know how to clean and bandage them myself by now.”

Mikey is almost through his pile, and Leo decides to give up. He lays his cards down and looks at this little brother through the glass. “Bud, that’s not what I asked.” Dark, sea-green fingers twitched around the last few cards, his currently maskless face staying pointed down toward the pile. Leo tries again. “Has anyone been checking on you?”

“Not really.” Mikey says haltingly, sweeping his last few cards onto their respective piles and looking up. He’s grinning triumphantly. “But again, I haven’t been worried about it. You and dad and Dee have already told me they’ll take time to heal, and I’ve been taking care of them with bandages and medicine. I’m okay, Leo.” Then, as he’s piling his cards back into one stack, he says, “You should be worried about yourself.”

Oof. “I’m being taken care of.”

“But are you taking care of yourself?” Mikey looks straight at him and Leo does his best not to flinch. There’s something there he doesn’t normally see in his little brother’s eyes. Anger. Regret. Maybe even guilt.

Leo has to take two deep breaths before he says, “I’m… trying.”

Mikey stares at him for long enough that Leo begins to fidget. Then, the box turtle nods and smiles, all sharp edges in his expression dissipating as if they’d never been there. “Good! Now, I better get going before Raph catches me here, or he’ll throw a fit.”

Leo smiles back, though it feels hollow. “Sounds like a plan. Get some rest.”

Mikey puts his cards back in their tattered box and flashes him a softer smile. “I love you, Leo.”

“Love you too, little brother.”

He leaves. It’s quiet. Not the kind, merciful quiet of deep water. Not like the gentle, early morning, gray quiet of New York as the fog settles over the city. No, this quiet is the kind that haunts him. It’s all metal walls, cold concrete, and steam through copper and titanium pipes. It’s how Leo hasn’t heard Donnie’s voice in what feels like months. It’s how he knows his brother went into a shut down due to whatever happened with Leo a week ago that he can only remember in pieces.

It’s his fault.

He lays down on the bed and stares at the ceiling.

He stares for a long, long time.

Leo dreams of Kraang in bursts of anxiety, fear, and pain. He dreams of Shredder in anger, shame, and regret. He thinks of all they’ve been through in such a short amount of time, and how lucky they were to be alive.

He thinks far too deeply about how he shouldn’t be here. By all accounts, him being home – him being alive – was an impossibility. But, they’d done the impossible and saved him. But, knowing they had, and knowing why they had, did nothing to quell the tidal waves of darkness eating at him from the inside out.

Sure, Leo had his good days. In fact, he'd been feeling better overall, day by day. The fever had mostly burned off, his shell no longer felt like a blanket of swords digging into his spine, and even his leg had stopped constantly aching. Rest had been good for his body, and it was nice to feel some strength back in his bones.

But rest, it seemed, was horrible for his mind.

He caught himself wobbling aimlessly around the med bay whenever his current caretakers were asleep and thought he was, too. Other times, as they cleaned his shell or replaced his bandages, he let his mind float off to other places, letting their voices and touch fade far, far away. He wants to be anywhere but here.

The days blur together after a while.

Leo misses the water. That’s where he wants to be. Maybe he could go there forever, someday.

“Leo?”

Pulling his head over to the voice felt like dragging through thick mud and plaster, his eyes struggling to focus. CJ was looking at him, brows drawn down in concern. Leo… couldn’t even bring himself to fake it. “Hmmm?”

“Splinter said you can probably go back to your room today.”

Leo hummed in response. What kind of response, he wasn’t sure, but it was all he could manage.

CJ touched Leo’s arm; he barely felt it. “Leo… where are you, right now?”

Where was he? “Home.”

“No.” CJ shook his head and squeezed Leo’s arm now. He began to do so rhythmically, and Leo slowly realized he was trying to ground him… the same way Leo helped ground Donnie, sometimes. “Where are you right now mentally.”

Mentally, huh? He didn’t know, really. Leo shrugged slowly, his chest rising and falling, his limbs attached but limp, his shell sore but healing. “Dunno. Nowhere.”

CJ’s face fell. He looked haunted, like he was seeing double. Future Leonardo must’ve been just as much of a mess as his current self for the kid to look like that. He wished he had the energy to fake a smile for the kid. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not though, are you?”

Leonardo shrugged again and let his mind go, like releasing a rope pulled too tight as it slid through his hands. It wandered through tall grass and clear oceans. It roamed through family memories and the nostalgia of the tall atrium he’d grown up staring at the sky through. He thought of the only time he’d seen a clear, starry sky and how he’d wanted to sprout wings and fly into the vast open air. He’d dreamed of becoming a star, himself.

His mind wandered through shadows and fire, through metal, and blood, and frigid, dead bones. It wandered far, and wide, and empty.

Lonely. He was so painfully lonely.

He wondered why his family bothered.

Donnie came back with the charger and even a few snacks. Leo pretended to be asleep. His brother set down everything in his hands on the little makeshift bedside table, and then he sat on the edge of Leo’s bed and sighed.

“Leo.”

He didn’t respond.

“Leo, I know you’re not asleep.”

He still pretended. He didn’t know why; he wanted to talk to Donnie so badly, but his mouth wasn’t working. His body wouldn’t let him just turn around and talk.

Donnie made a frustrated noise. “April said you were practically begging to talk to me, and now you’re just gonna ignore me?”

Really? Really? Leo laughed into the plushie he still had squished to his chest and face. “You’re joking, right?”

Silence stretched tight and uncomfortable around them. Then, Donnie deadpanned, “I knew you weren’t sleeping.”

Leo sat up and moved right past the weak attempt at a topic change. “Seriously? You’re going to accuse me of ignoring you?”

Donnie’s shoulders inched up, and his expression turned defensive. “Don’t get snippy with me, Leo. I’m here to talk to you.”

Leo laughed again, the sound sharp, pointed, and angry. “Are you though? Also, why? Who put you up to this? I bet it was Raph.”

The softshell’s expression twisted to something hurt. “Leo.”

“Or was it April? Who forced you to come and talk to me when you’ve made it very clear you don’t want to.”

Donnie’s hands curled into shaking fists in his lap. The hurt on his face quickly turned to anger. “That’s not true.”

“It is.”

“It isn’t!”

“Then why did you avoid me for two weeks?!” Leo exploded, the weeks, the months of hurt and loneliness tearing away at any sense he might’ve had in the moment. “Why wouldn’t you talk to me? Did you have any idea how badly I wanted to see you? To hear your stupid voice? I needed you –”

“And I needed you!” Donnie shouted back. He shot to his feet and began angrily pacing along Leo’s bedside. “Dammit, Leo, I needed you, too! But you keep… you keep running off, trying to get yourself killed! You’re reckless! You’re impulsive! We needed our leader and you ran off and… and…” He took a shuddering breath and ran his hands over his head, nearly knocking his goggles off in the process. “Why did you give up?”

“Excuse me?” Leo whispered, glaring somewhere at Donnie’s shoulder. He couldn’t look him in the face. Our leader. Not “our brother”, not “my twin”, not “Leo”. Just a leader. Didn’t they get it? Raph was there. They had Raph, who was so much better at the leadership thing. Why… why did they…?

He didn’t understand.

Donnie’s jaw worked. “You. Gave. Up. I suspected as much, especially after our talk a while back, but your little meltdown confirmed it.” Donnie shot back, his voice wavering with emotions. “Why did you give up fighting against Kraang?”

“Oh, I dunno Donnie. Maybe because I was literally exhausted. I told you that!” Leo gripped his blankets so hard, his knuckles whitened. “Why does that matter? This has nothing to do with that!”

“This has everything to do with that!” Donnie threw his hands above his head. “Why won’t you talk about it?!” He stepped closer, leaning partially over the bed. “Come on just… just talk to me!”

“Hah.” The sound was so mirthless he wondered if it could even be called a laugh. “That’s rich coming from you.” Somewhere, way in the back of his mind, he is screaming at himself to stop doing this. He’d missed Donnie so badly, yet here he was, antagonizing him. But now that he’d started, he couldn’t seem to stop. “You never talk about your feelings, yet you expect me to crack open for you – for all of you – just because of a little trauma? No thanks.”

Donnie’s anger fizzled, burning hot enough for Leo to feel it in the space between them. A corner of his lip curled, ever so slightly. “Oh-ho, don’t deflect on me now, Leo. We’re just getting started.”

“No, we’re not.” Leo glared, ignoring how his eyes began to fill with tears against his will. He blinked them away, rubbing one forearm hard across his eyes. “Get out.”

“No… no, wait.” Donnie’s voice dipped into something pained and sharp, and it’s enough to make Leo glare down into his lap. It’s enough to make Leo want to scream, to tell his brother to just say it already. But, even now, he’s being selfish; he didn’t think he could bear to hear Donnie say the words he could feel hanging in the air. “Leo. I don’t want to fight. Let’s… not do this. Let’s just… let’s talk.”

“Get. Out.” He said through gritted teeth, still trying to keep any and all tears at bay. He kept his eyes down, grinding his teeth with how hard his jaw was tensed. “Before I kick you out by force.”

Donnie hesitated. His hand reached out between them, stopped, and retracted. Then, with a sad hiss, he turned and left, slamming the door behind him with a metallic crash.

Leo laid back down and stared at the wall through the mountain of pillows. He felt like his insides were balled into knots and the knots were on fire. He felt sick. He kinda wanted to throw up. Why had he done that? Why?

The tears came again, but he took a deep, long breath, and shoved them down. He kept shoving, taking all his feelings and letting the dark consume them until he was only a shell. Just an empty, pathetic shell.

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

He stared at the wall. He hoped no one else came for the rest of the day.

Someone knocked on Leo’s door and he nearly dropped his phone. He hadn’t even heard anyone coming closer, which was unusual for him. “Come in.”

CJ opened the door with a smile. He was wearing a gray beanie and a loose-fitting black shirt and dark blue jeans. He only had socks on his feet at the moment and something about it made him look so… normal. Like he’d grown up in this timeline. It warmed Leo’s heart to see him looking more comfortable and less like he’d crawled out of an apocalypse. “Hi, Leo. Uhmmm… Raph and Splinter have something they wanna tell the family.”

Leo felt his mouth quirk a bit. “The family, huh? I hope it’s that we can go to the surface again soon; I’ve been dying to stretch my legs some more.”

“I dunno what it is yet either, but they sent me to get you and Mikey. I already snagged him on the way so… now it’s just you.”

Leo stood from where he was crouched on the floor, stretching his arms above his head. His shell had been deemed officially healed a few days ago, but there were still marks left behind. The healed cracks left a grayish, nearly web-like pattern across his lower shell, reaching up to the center where it curved out the most.

It marred the blue scute patterns and Leo couldn’t help but feel… ugly. It caused him to shy from the mirrors, and that was another new thing for him to deal with. He knew he could be vain, but now that he had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror, it made him realize just how bad the habit had been. Just add it to the tally marks of things that made Leo hate who he’d become, he guessed.

He’d been trying to distract himself from such thoughts for hours now. He’d been reorganizing his comics, cleaned up his room a bit, and he’d been doing work on his skateboard when CJ walked in. “Let’s not keep them waiting, amigo.”

They left his room and ascended the stairs to the main floor. When they reached the top, Leo saw his entire family sitting or standing around Raph and Splinter. Donnie’s eyes caught his, and he looked like he wanted to say something. Leo looked away first. They hadn’t spoken more than a handful of semi-casual words to one another since Leo had shut him out. It stung. He held onto that feeling, for whatever reason.

Raph noticed Leo and CJ and smiled. “Okay, good, now that everyone is here, we have something we’d like to say.”

Leo stood with his hip out and leaned an arm on CJ’s shoulder. A storm was brewing outside if the slow ache in Leo’s lower leg was any indication. He still hoped they were going out somewhere. He needed to move.

Splinter climbed up onto Raph’s shell and perched near one shoulder. “We are doing a family training session.”

Groans rose up around the room, but Leo felt himself perk up. “Training? What kind of training? Please tell me I get to use some swords again!”

“You will see.” Splinter grinned. Leo didn’t miss how Raph’s smile turned nervous. He felt his eyes narrow on his older brother, but they were already turning toward the tunnel that led to the dojo. Everyone followed with skeptical looks, but Leo also noticed that April didn’t look surprised. In fact, she looked like she was ready for something.

They all entered the dojo and Leo stopped just inside. “Okay, what’s going on?” Raph startled a bit, but April looked expectant. Oh yeah, they knew something. “Something tells me you guys are gonna tell us something we don’t want to hear.”

“Then you would be correct.” April said, pulling a small device out of her pocket. It was just a small metal tube, and she opened up a small hinge at the top, revealing a yellow button. She pressed it and, suddenly, the dojo entrance behind them closed over with a metal slide. “We’re having a family intervention.”

Silence stretched, and then –

“What?!”

“Why?”

“I had a feeling.”

Leo zeroed in on that last one, his gaze flicking to Casey. “What do you mean?”

“Well, with how things have been… let’s say this isn’t my first time being involved in one of these.” He said it casually, hands tucking into the pockets of his new pants, and Leo stared at him.

Mikey speaks up next, his hands planted on his waist and his smile bright. “With how things have been? C’mon, things have been… okay.”

Raph sighed heavily and sat down on the tatami mat space. “You don’t really believe that, do you Mike?” He then held up a hand before anyone could say anything. “No, don’t answer that, actually. Everyone sit down with Raph and we’ll work through this together.”

Leo feels trapped and he doesn’t like it. Even in a familiar place like the dojo, having that doorway close behind him set him on edge. He reached deep into himself and pulled up the Face Man. Hip out, smirk on, tone light. “Raph, we’re fine! Yeah we’ve had some bumps in the road, and most of that is on me, I’ll admit, but it’s good! Can’t we just… I dunno, train normally? I think I speak for everyone here when I say this is ridiculous.”

“I don’t say this often but… I agree with Raph.” Donnie said slowly, flatly. Everyone’s eyes widened as they looked at him. He seemed to shrink under their gazes, but he kept his eyes locked on Raph. “What are you thinking, Raph? Dad?”

Raph smiled warmly at Donnie. “We need to train our Ninpo some more, and April and I figured there was no better way to start than with meditation and such. We figured we could reconnect with our powers and then learn to feel each other’s.”

“And how does that make this a family intervention?” Leo’s mood dipped again, even though he was trying to stay upbeat. “I can do that alone in my room just fine.”

April sat down next to Raph and Splinter sat on his other side. “Because, we’re going to attempt to ninja mind meld.”

Leo felt his body lock up, his cautious smile pulling into a tight line. He couldn’t… he couldn’t do that, not now. Not when he’d been such a mess for so long. It would hurt them. It would hurt him. “No.”

“Yes.” April demanded, eyes never leaving his face.

“Fine.” Mikey sighed and plopped down next to April. “Why not? Might as well give it a shot.”

Donnie sat next to Mikey which only left two spots in the hole of their wide circle on the floor. CJ sat next to Donnie – much to Leo’s relief – and they all looked up at him. He chuckled weakly. “Wow, okay, so we’re really gonna do this boring meditation stuff then?”

His dad’s voice was stern as he said, “Sit down, Leonardo.”

“Ugh, fine, okay, I’m sitting.” Leo sat down hard and folded his legs beneath him. He propped his chin in a palm, elbow resting on a leg. “But for the record, I was really hoping we were gonna go out for a run, or some pizza.”

“Enough.” Raph said gently, already closing his eyes. “Okay. Reaching for our Ninpo shouldn’t be too hard for you guys… I hope. But it has been a long time since we’ve attempted mind melding… and I think it might help us understand each other a little better.”

Leo scoffed softly, but everyone seemed to hear him regardless. He ignored them, eyes trained on the floor. Donnie’s fingers began to tap at his knees and Mikey was already shifting in his spot. Raph ignored him right back. April spoke up next. “It’ll be tough guys, we know. Trust me… Raph and I have been practicing together for the last two and a half weeks.”

“What?!” Everyone exclaimed.

April just nodded and patted Raph on the arm. “It was hard at first, really. For lots of reasons. But once we got the hang of it… well, I think it’ll really help you guys. Splinter joined us a week ago and he’s more of a natural than we expected, so he’s here to help.”

Splinter clapped his hands together. “Alrighty then, let us begin. Boys, meditative postures please. I will be helping you get settled and ready to begin this exercise.”

“Since when were you on board with meditating?” Leo grouched, already straightening his posture and resting his arms along his folded legs.

Splinter’s tail whipped out and connected with his thigh, making him yelp. “Silence, my son. Focus.”

So he did. He closed his eyes and tried to reach for that electric, fizzing fire deep in his heart and soul. He tried to empty his mind of everything except himself and his power. It took longer than he wanted to admit, but eventually, he found that space inside him that held his Ninpo. He was ashamed at how dim, how weak the fire burned when he found it.

He reached out and scooped it up in his mind, cradling it close as it flickered and sparked.

All of us, huh? Leo thought with a hint of bitterness. The flame flickers in his chest. This tiny, weak thing is supposed to be me? That’s… not a good sign. I think.

The anxiety began to kick in almost instantly. Leo felt the power slipping from his grasp, but he reached back down and held firm. He had to show that he could do this or they’d look at him with pity. He couldn’t handle that. He had to be strong for them, at the very least.

Leo tried not to let the panic choke him. He felt a cold sweat starting up along his palms, a tingle crawling up his arms. He heard Donnie grunt, then hiss, before he settled with a grumble. Casey barely made a noise, only a change in his breathing being any sort of indicator that he’d connected with Raph.

Shit. Leo felt the tentative, glitchy touch of Donnie as he tried to cross the gap between their energies. Leo — for what it was worth — tried not to flinch away, but mentally he still half-cupped his flame protectively. He let Donnie near it, let him see it, but he didn’t let him connect. Leo was full-on sweating now, and his hands began to shake in his lap.

Mikey made a pained noise, and Casey echoed it.

Donnie gasped, and Leo felt himself flinch. He hadn’t realized that his own energy had flared up and bit at the edges of Donnie’s. Leo retracted fully, mental hands wrapped fully around his blue fire now. Donnie tried to reach back out but was met with a wall.

Donnie pushed harder. His energy pressed up against the wall Leo had thrown up. A crack appeared, and Leo immediately felt dark energy pour between them. Things he’d tried to bury came hurtling to the surface.

He can’t. He can’t, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t —

Leo crashed back into reality, breathing hard as he leaned over himself and dry heaved. His markings sputtered and faded from the glow they’d had. Mikey is also leaned back, gasping for air and shaking. Casey looked at them with hurt and concern. Donnie… he’s looking right at Leo, sweat gleaming across his shoulders and neck.

Leo wanted so badly to throw up. His stomach clenched, his lungs deflated, and his head had a high pitched ring slamming through it. The air crackled with energies as they all fizzled out and faded, their markings dimming again to their flat colors.

“Wow,” Raph mumbled. “I didn’t think it was going to be that hard.”

“I did.” April said tiredly. “Let’s take a break and try again.”

“Tomorrow.” Everyone’s eyes landed on Leo as he gasped the word out. “Not today.”

Raph straightened. “It has to be today, Leo.”

“No.”

“Yes! I know you and you won’t come tomorrow if we ask.”

Leo coughed and looked up with a halfhearted glare. “That’s rude of you to assume I wouldn’t show up.”

Raph leaned forward, frowning. “Would you?”

Well, Leo might be a good liar, but right now was not one of those times. He said nothing and dropped his gaze, staring holes into the floor instead. Everyone around him kept talking but he tuned them out. He’d lost control of himself, and Donnie’s energy had cracked something. The doors of the vault he kept trying to shove those memories into were bending and it was Donnie’s fault.

“Leo? Leo!”

His head shot up. Everyone was looking at either him or Donnie. His stupid twin’s eyes were on him. “What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t do that. I felt… all of that. I saw it.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Okay, I saw glimpses, but that was still something.” Donnie took his goggles off and set them on the floor beside him. He pressed his fingers into his temples, his eyes narrowing at the pressure. “You pushed me out, pretty forcefully, I might add.”

Leo’s anxiety mounted and he had a hard time ignoring how his breathing pressed ever tighter. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You felt my memories, too.”

“No.”

Mikey looked between them and said, “What are you talking about, Dee?”

“Memories. We shared them for a moment, but it was in flashes of… eugh, feelings and pictures.”

Mikey hummed, looking sheepish. “That’s what happened between me and Casey. Though I didn’t really get any of his memories, I know I might’ve uhhh… overloaded him with mine by accident.”

Casey smiled. “It’s okay. You reeled yourself back to something manageable really quick. I’m impressed! Though I guess I shouldn’t be. You’re one of the greats, after all.”

Leo knew it wasn’t meant to be a jab, only a genuine compliment, but the words stung. He felt himself shrivel up under the phrase, and he wanted more than anything to have the floor swallow him up. He wasn’t good enough anymore in Casey’s eyes, as far as he knew. Now CJ just saw him as… well, him. A hot mess of a teenager and an even bigger mess of a leader. Mikey deserved the praise; it shouldn’t have bothered Leo to hear it, but it did.

“What did you see?” Mikey asked, eyes trained on Donnie.

He cut in before they could continue to talk as if he weren’t there. “Look, if we’re gonna keep doing this, then let’s keep doing it. I want to get this over with.”

Raph agreed quickly. “Okay. Everyone take a minute to re-situate yourselves and get ready to meditate again.”

“Wait, we’re really gonna move past that?” Mikey asked, the words a tad sharp.

“Yes, Mikey. We can talk about it later. Just trust big bro Raph on this one.”

“Okay… okay.” Mikey relented, sitting back up and adjusting his posture.

They began again. Leo… he tried. He really, really tried. But, he could barely grasp his own power, and as their energies began to connect in a circle, and he felt them shifting and reaching and grabbing… he couldn’t reach back. He wanted to, but a bigger part of him was so scared. He couldn’t let them see just how bad his mental state had become. There was a part of him that wanted to pour all of it out, but he couldn’t. He didn’t know why, really; it might be pride more than anything.

He tries. He lets their energies reach out to him.

The cracks widened as they all pressed forward. Raph plunged in without warning.

He reeled back the moment he felt Donnie’s energy attempt to join in, followed by Mikey and April. Raph… he looked so sad when their eyes met as they crashed out of their connection. The look made something inside of him snap. “What, Raph? Not gonna tattle on me?”

It made Leo even more angry when Raph’s face softened. “There’s nothing to tattle about, little brother.”

“Whatever.” He spat.

Mikey’s mouth drew tight. “Dude, what is your deal?”

“Nothing.” Leo frowned. “I’m good.”

“Why are you snapping at Raph? He’s trying to help. I thought you two were past this.” Mikey demanded, his eye ridges drawing his mask between his eyes in a scrunch.

Raph immediately interjected. “Mike, it’s okay. Raph knows how hard this is for you guys. It took April and I hours, hell days of practice to get things… steady. I told you guys this would be hard.”

Mikey snorted. “Apparently not that hard. Even Donnie is doing well, and he’s usually the hardest to get into joining things like this. No offense, Don.”

“None taken, dear Angelo, you are correct.” Donnie wiped an arm across his brow, his marks still glowing. In fact, everyone’s marks were still glowing. All except for Leo’s. “I still think this is a good idea, even if I kinda hate it.”

The box turtle sweeps his hands out in front of him. “See?!”

Leo leaned his arms onto his knees. “Cut me some slack, I’m doing the best I can. Also, just because Donnie is good at this for once doesn’t mean he’s mister heart-on-his-sleeve either.”

“Ouch.” Donnie deadpanned.

“Oh, you’re fine, and you know I’m right.” Leo rolled his eyes.

Mikey didn’t like that, apparently. His tone dipped to more dangerous levels of anger. “Stop picking on Donnie.”

Something ugly rears its head inside Leo’s chest. It fills his mind with something red, burning through his veins and setting him to a simmer. “Says the one who called him out first.”

“I was trying to make a point.”

“Well point made, Mikey. I’m not picking on anyone more than I normally do.”

“Yes, you are!”

“No, I’m not!”

Instantly, Donnie and Raph seemed on edge. Splinter stepped closer to them both, getting up from his spot on the floor. “Boys, relax. If we need a short break, we can take one, but –”

“No, dad, I’m done.” Leo stood up, his heart racing. He was barely keeping this attack at bay, and he needed out before he fell apart in front of them. “I’m leaving.”

“You can’t.” April said firmly, holding up her small metal tube. “We’re locked in here until I say otherwise.”

Leo started to stomp over to her only to have mystic chains wrap around his ankle. He looked down in shock, his mouth falling slightly open. Mikey practically growled, “Don’t even think about it.”

He spun to face his little brother. “What is your problem?! I want out of here!”

“You don’t get to go anywhere! We’re a family and we have to fix this!” Mikey is steadily working into a yell, and he feels himself start to follow.

Leo’s fists shake where they’re pressed against his thighs. “There’s nothing to fix! You said so yourself!”

“I was trying to be positive.”

“Yeah, cause that seems to be working.”

A mocking laugh left Mikey. “You may not be Donnie-smart, Leo, but I know you’re smart about this stuff. You know exactly what’s broken! You know exactly what I’m talking about!”

“What are you saying? Huh?” Leo changed direction and is now fully facing Mikey. His little brother climbed to his feet, chains still in his fist and connecting him to Leo’s leg. “Are you saying I’m broken?!”

Mikey tossed his hands up above his head and shouted. “We are all broken, idiot! I’m just the only one who seems to have noticed!”

“Boys!” Splinter’s voice cut the air like a blow-horn, and a tense, stifling silence fell over them. Leo and Mikey are breathing hard as they sneered at one another. “Enough. We will not settle things like this! Sit down, both of you.”

“I said I’m done.” Leo turned to try and leave again, only to be met with Donnie standing in his path.

The look in his twin’s eyes was sad, and angry, and pleading. “Leo, back off. Mikey, don’t worry about me, I can fend for myself.”

Something is breaking apart inside of Leo. He’d never… he doesn’t get mad, but right now, a horrible, red-hot mass of anger is expanding from his lungs, boiling his blood. He’d reached his breaking point, and he didn’t know how to stop. “I said I’m leaving, Donnie. Get out of my way.”

He shoved past his brother, knowing how childish it was to shoulder check him, but he didn’t care. Donnie whirled around though, grabbing Leo’s shoulder. “Don’t run away! Don’t you dare fucking run away!”

Splinter’s tone had never been so stern. “Donatello.”

“No, dad! He’s been running for too long! You know why we haven’t been talking? Because I tried to and he shut me out! I wanted to talk — me — and he shut me out!”

Angry, bitter tears started pooling in both of their eyes as Leo reached up and gripped Donnie’s wrist. “Donnie, let me go.”

His grip tightened. “I will not. I will not! This is happening! It happened! It happened to all of us and you keep… you just…!”

Raph is standing now too, and an uneasy, worried crease started to pull between his eyes, his snaggletooth working at his lip. “Guys, please. Let’s just… if it’s that big a deal, then we can try again another day.”

“No, Raph!” Donnie yelled, hand still clamped to Leo. “Today.”

Leo feels himself go cold, even though his blood is hot. He’s practically burning with an icy rage that seemed to come from nothing and everything, all at once. “Let. Me. Go.”

“Over my dead body.”

And Leo… a strangled laugh bubbled up and out of him. “Your dead body? How about mine?”

Donnie’s face fell fast, and one single, angry tear tracks down his face. “That’s… so not fucking funny, Leo.”

“I think it is.” Leo laughed again, but it echoed in the chambers of his heart, blasting around his chest like a bowling ball on a swinging, heavy chain. He feels so hollow.

The hand on his shoulder loosened and Leo yanked his shoulder out from under his brother’s palm. Donnie just stared at him, eyes searching for something in Leo’s face. He looks more torn than Leo’s ever seen him. “Why are you doing this? Can’t you see we’re worried about you? Don’t you know what could’ve happened if we hadn’t saved you the way we did; what it almost cost us? Don’t you know what we gave?!”

“What you gave?!” Leo stepped close and shoved his face right into Donnie’s. He hated himself before he even said the words that were already there, bursting out of him. “You should’ve saved yourselves the trouble, if it was that big of a deal.”

Donnie sucked in a pained, crushed breath and Leo felt his already broken heart crack deep enough to leave a hole behind. But, he’d already dug himself this deep; he might as well land the last blow. Maybe they’d finally leave him alone.

With a broken, harsh snarl, Leo said, “You should’ve just let me die.”

Suddenly, Leo is on his back and someone is on top of him. They’re yelling, they’re screaming, they’re hitting him, biting him, kicking him. Leo fights back, biting, and scratching, and punching. He’s not aware enough to realize who it is. After a moment, he catches a flash of orange, a blur of deep, sea-green, and blazing dark eyes.

He knows this weight. He knows who it is.

Mikey.

But… not Mikey. Never Mikey.

Leo’s spirit cracked open. His mind snapped.

He’s falling through a void of shadow and cold and weightlessness. He’s watching the figure above him morph into something made of dark metal and red accents, the eyes merging to make one large, red light. Sharp teeth smile at him from the center, yellow eyes boring into his soul and tearing him apart.

He can’t breathe. He’s being stepped on, being pressed down harder and harder and harder. He’s bleeding. It pools in his mouth and he whimpers. He’s being struck, over and over, again and again. Pain blossomed over his body and he struck out wildly with his fists and legs. His shell… even healed, he feels the ghost of his scars, as if he would crack open again. Just an egg on pavement; just a small turtle under the boot of a careless passerby.

He’s being crushed. He’s gonna die. He’s –

No.

No, he was scared. He’d always been scared. He just pretended to be okay; it’s what he was good at. But, he didn’t want to die. He needed his family. He needed them or he was nothing, nothing, nothing. He didn’t want to be nothing. He wanted to make them proud.

He wouldn’t die here. Not yet. If he was going to die, he’d rather die at home.

Fight back.

Fight back!

He can’t see. He can barely hear them as they call for him. His mystic energy blazed to life, blinding and bright and desperate. He summoned a katana, the first he’d ever made from nothing. He’d be proud if he weren’t so damn terrified.

He’d be proud if he weren’t so blinded by that fear.

Gripping the glowing blue katana handle, he swung hard and fast, the arc bright blue and graceful. Like a shooting star in its last moments. Like the only vibrant worth Leo had ever offered as he hurtled through weightless air.

He noticed too late, his speed too fast and too practiced.

The blade cuts right for Mikey’s neck.

Chapter Text

Donnie didn’t think he would’ve agreed with Raph so strongly on anything, ever, yet here he was. He was agreeing to mind meld with all of his family. He’d only had a small taste of what that was like before Shredder, and even then it had felt a bit overwhelming. Who knew what kind of thoughts and feelings everyone was having now? He didn’t really want to find out.

But Donnie was desperate. They all were.

Leo’s recent rejection of him had stung much worse than he’d anticipated it would. Heck, he hadn’t thought Leo would reject him in the first place. But he’s kicked him out… physically and emotionally shut himself away so Donnie couldn’t talk to him. It hurt. It made him unbearably angry. Afterward, he’d gone straight to the garage, activated soundproof mode, and blasted his music as loud as it could go while he tore apart the Turtle Tank for repairs.

Due to this, the last two weeks had been severely painful. Every glance, every wave and casual remark from Leo to him, made Donnie want to scream. They kept trying to act like nothing had happened, but not well enough for Donnie. There was an invisible wall between them now that he wasn’t used to. He hated it.

So yeah, he’d agreed with Raph. He was going to do something he didn’t want to do because what else could he do? He wanted to know just what Leo was thinking, trying to push them all away like this. They’d all changed, they’d all been through something awful together, but Leo… it was like he thought he was alone in this.

He’d expected push-back from Leo, that part hadn’t been a surprise. What had been a surprise was just how intensely Leo was pushing back. There was something dark in his eyes but pale in his complexion that made Donnie’s stomach turn. But he sat, he meditated, he tried. Then, he’d felt Leo try to close him out again, but through their spirits this time. It set him close to tears, though he’d never admit it out loud. He almost ran away – it was the most tempting thing in the world to him – but he stayed. He pushed… and pushed… until something dark came pouring out of and around the blue flame he could see and feel in front of him.

Their memories – their emotions – crashed together in a cacophony of noise and blood. When Leo shoved him out, it felt like toppling from a cliffside. He’d fallen back into his body with a painful jerk of his muscles and tried not to be sick. Leo was sweating and so was he, but he couldn’t care in the moment. What… was that?

Things continued to just get worse from there. They tried to meld again, but Leo once again shoved them out with a harsh slice of mental, cold steel. Leo wanted to leave; he said he was done. Mikey stepped in and things continued to get heated. Mikey never used his chains on them unless it was for battle purposes. This… this was different. Mikey was mad, and so was Leo, if the clench of his jaw indicated anything.

Donnie should’ve known better than to push someone when they were giving all the signs of a breakdown; he truly hated when people did it to him. The fact that Leo was trying to keep up appearances though was driving Donnie to the brink. Why wouldn’t he just talk about it? Why wouldn’t he just tell them what happened so he could stop holding all that darkness inside himself?

But, as he gripped Leo’s shoulder and told him to stop running, a fury began to rise in Donnie. It was now or never, in his mind, so he pushed Leo against his better judgment. He pushed because he was so tired of feeling like Leo was still gone even though he was right in front of them.

This wasn’t his brother, but the ghost of him. He was what the Kraang had left behind.

He’s so damn desperate.

He just wants to know why. Doesn’t he know what they gave? Doesn’t he know what Mikey gave?! According to Draxum, opening that portal had taken some of Mikey’s vitality; his life. Draxum figured that Mikey had lost a couple years, at least, and that even if his hands healed… there would be other consequences down the road if he continued to push his mystic powers further than he should at this age and without proper training.

Mikey was lucky, which made Leo lucky. Why couldn’t he just understand that?

But Leo’s expression is broken and angry, a well of shadow that Donnie had never seen in him before as he spat, “You should’ve just let me die.”

The words are a sucker punch. They rattle and ring and scream in his head in flashes of bright, sharp stabs. It’s a conscious, unmedicated confession into the air, released like a bullet and striking true. On any other day, this confession might’ve toppled Donnie all over again. But he doesn’t even get the chance.

Mikey flew past him and barreled into Leo. They’re on the floor faster than he can blink, punching, biting, and scratching. Leo chittered angrily and Mikey practically growled through his teeth. They’re a tangle of limbs and smears of blood appeared on them as they rolled around the tatami floors. The room burst into sound and motion as they all tried to gain some semblance of control. No one could get close. Donnie felt like he couldn't keep up as he opened his mouth to tell them to stop.

Leo’s breathing changed, suddenly. There’s a hitch, a click, a slight wheeze, and then his markings erupt with light. Everyone’s ninpo reacts in kind and suddenly, Donnie is ripped from the dojo and plunged deep into a dark void.

Donnie was drowning under the voice. He’d know it anywhere. He could hardly think straight as a million different feelings and sensations swept over him. It was so loud in this space, he almost didn’t notice that Raph, April, CJ, and Splinter were also there. Mikey… he was there too, but somewhere else. Somewhere distant and clouded.

He struggled against the torrent of emotions and words and chaos. He hadn’t even meant to mind meld with Leo. In fact, when Leo’s ninpo burst from his body, Donnie’s had been sucked in by force. It was like trying to save someone who was drowning – a flash of deja vu on Donnie’s part – and Leo’s family was the lifeline. He’d dragged them down, and he’d dragged them deep. It was all Donnie could do to stay afloat and somewhat attached to his own mind and body. It was all he could do to not get so lost in Leo’s head that he forgot himself.

Kraang laughed and anger roared inside of Donnie. Was he mad at Leo? Yeah. He’d been refusing help from any of them and, if anything, he seemed like he was trying to get himself killed lately. But, more than anything, he hurts for his brother.

Is this what’s been going on inside him all this time? It’s… so loud. So hateful.

At Leo’s voice blending in with Kraang’s, Donnie felt his heart twist, the anger fading fast. This… it’s awful. He thought… he really thought he’d wanted to know what was going on with Leo. Now, he wished he’d never pried; not as all the hatred and cold and dark rushed into his mind and his bones. He knew it was bad but this was a whole other level of bad. He could taste the blood, he could feel the crushing weight and the broken bones. He could feel, he could feel Leo begging for it to end. His fear, his regret, his love, his acceptance.

Donnie didn’t even care that he had tears in his eyes. He just wanted this all to stop.

The feeling must’ve been mutual, because he could feel his family around him. They were reaching out; lifelines in a raging sea of hatred in multi-colored threads. Donnie just wanted this to stop. Stop. Just stop. Please.

Leo stopped breathing. He shoved them all out of his mind with brutal force, the dark consuming his flame and smothering it to only embers. Donnie blinked into consciousness to see a stream of blue light leaving Leo’s hands. The light flickered and stretched, elongating into an ethereal katana. Leo’s eyes were white, his pupils gone as Mikey pressed him into the mat and hit him, over and over. Mikey’s eyes were also white, tears streaming down his face as he struck blindly at Leo, half fighting and half wrestling him.

Leo had been weakly trying to claw at Mikey above him, nearly unmoving. But now, he was cornered. Now he was armed.

He swung. The sword arced through the air too fast, too practiced… too deadly. Leo isn’t here, at home; he is there. Leo will hate himself for this if he follows through — Donnie knew this without a shadow of doubt. They are all too far away.

Donnie moved first.

He hadn’t been fast enough to save Mikey — or himself — last time from the lethal blow Kraang had dealt them. He wouldn’t make that mistake this time.

Donnie’s markings, still illuminated bright and bold, seemed to leap from his skin as Donnie rushed forward. Purple beams of light stretched from his fingertips and formed a staff, then expanded at the end into a flat, almost shield-like appearance.

Everything moved in slow motion, to him. Donnie wouldn’t be too late. He watched the blue of Leo’s sword as it looked like it was inching for Mikey’s neck; he watched as a flash of confusion hit Leo too late in the motion. But Donnie was there.

The blade struck… right against Donnie’s staff-and-shield combo. It was barely thick enough to stop the blade and he was barely close enough to stop its momentum, but he did. He did. Thank Einstein! He’d saved Mikey this time!

Time moved forward again in a rush, and Donnie crashed into Mikey and sent them both sprawling away from where Leo was on the floor of the dojo. The katana still glowed blue in his hand as he scrambled over to his stomach, breaths wheezing and heaving out of him. Donnie is being pushed up and over as Mikey gets to his hands and knees with an angry series of chitters.

He lunged for Leo again, but Donnie tackled him to the floor. “Mikey, no! Enough!”

Leo’s eyes are darting all over the place, looking both at and through them. It’s in this moment that Donnie finally takes note of the others around them from his peripherals. He knew better than to take his eyes off of Leo or to let go of Mikey right now.

Everyone is dazed and moving in stumbling, jerking motions. Raph was the next closest, his eyes already locked to Leo as the slider tightens his grip on the shimmering blue blade. Everyone else is too far away to help in the next five seconds.

Leo moved impossibly fast in two.

Leo didn’t know where he was.

He was scared. He was lost. His head felt like it was buried under mountains of rubble, but also like it was floating far away from his body. He was home. He was not. The Prison Dimension was so full and so empty. The air tasted of decay. A single gray star, casting the world in shadows and colorless, weak light, swept across his face. Leo was grasping the photo in his hand like it was his lifeline. Leo knew he’d never forget this place if he lived.

Kraang was coming, one slow step at a time.

He would kill him. He’d beat Leo to death and there was nothing he could do but wait. There… was nothing he wanted to do. He was tired. He was alone. He was relieved. All he’d wanted was to save his family and his home and he’d done that. Leo would accept this personal defeat if the bigger picture was secure.

Still, he stubbornly clung to life.

Though… something wasn’t right.

This time felt different, somehow. Leo had been here before. He knew how this ended. But this time was different. He wasn’t being flung into space only to be blissfully rescued by his family. This time, he wasn’t given a few long minutes and then being left alone to build tension for Kraang’s hunt. No… no Kraang wanted his blood, and he wanted it fast this time.

He launched into Leo, slamming him down to the floor. He struck him over and over. Leo tried to fight back. He kicked and hit and even tried to bite through the metal, clawed foot that held him down. But he was too weak… he was too weak. Pathetic. Useless. Nobody. Speck.

Leo tasted blood, the copper of it coating his tongue as more pressure was added to his chest. He froze. He froze, like he always fucking did when he shouldn’t. Fear lanced through him so severely, he thought his heart would implode with it. Move, move, move, move, move.

Memories flooded Leo in crushing waves.

With a wheeze and a desperate whine, he dug deep into his ninpo. He dug further than he’d ever gone, pulling that glowing blue thread from somewhere that felt attached to his soul, and then kept pulling. He felt himself unraveling. He felt his mystic energy becoming stronger at a cost. Leo just wanted to go home.

Leo choked back a sob as he felt the familiar weight of a katana handle form in his palm. He shifted his weight, just barely, and put everything he had into his next swing. He wanted to cut Kraang’s arm or leg off, whichever came first, as soon as possible. He’d swing again to get whichever he hadn’t on the original attempt. He’d slash this blue steel through metal and flesh and blood until he was free.

Someone was calling for him, he thought. A faraway echo of home beckoning him to get out of here. A pull on his spirit that said come back to us.

Something stopped his sword. Suddenly Kraang leapt off of him, a fierce glare cutting Leo down so thoroughly, he almost couldn’t get up. But he would get up, if it was the last thing he did. His family wanted him to come home; they were calling for him.

Leo readied his sword as he pushed himself up to his hands and knees. He was going to fight. He was ready to kill his way out of this if it was the last thing he –

Something pushed him down hard as he lunged, and suddenly he’s pinned down on his stomach. Panic rushed through him again as he stared at… Kraang? Something wasn’t right. Kraang’s form withered, wavered, the murderous glare twisting into something else. Flashes of green and orange spread across the metal, a twinge of purple and jade. Someone was yelling, someone was screaming.

Leo felt his wrist being twisted until he gasped and let go of his sword on instinct. Terror swarmed back through his body and he tried to wiggle out from under whatever was holding him down. Their grip tightened and he whined, clicked, sounds he hasn’t made in years leaving him in his desperation to live.

He wanted to live.

Mikey strained underneath Donnie with a series of chittering hisses. Raph lunged for Leo. Donnie squeezed his eyes shut and braced for impact. Leo was so fast.

There’s the whistle of air as it's cut, the breath of a blade’s edge somewhere mere inches from Donnie’s face, and then the sound of a rough thump and ragged, heavy breathing. He opened an eye to see Raph on top of Leo, who was currently not making a single sound other than the breath wheezing out of him. He squirmed and writhed under Raph, making it hard for their big brother to keep his grip. Mikey began to respond in kind.

“What, Leo?!” Mikey yelled, nearly elbowing Donnie in the side as he thrashed around. “Come on then! You want to fight so bad, let’s fight!”

“Mikey!” Donnie pleaded between tight breaths.

Leo snarled, baring his teeth and trying to lift his hand to swipe with his glowing sword. Suddenly, CJ is diving into the fray. He slid across the mats and snatched Leo’s wrist, twisting it until he gasped and released the sword. CJ pressed his heel into the hilt and pulled back, shoving it away from any of their reaches.

Raph mumbled something to Leo, but Leo still seems fully unresponsive to them. April appeared beside Donnie and immediately took one of Mikey’s arms. “Hey, Mikester… you have to relax.”

“Don’t touch me!” Mikey yelled, tears still a steady stream down his face. “All of you get off of me!”

“Not until you calm down.” April said gently, already positioning herself to help Donnie restrain him. “Please.”

Mikey continued to thrash and kick, where Leo’s breath continued to seem to shorten. Then, with a wheezing breath, Leo gasped, “Stop.” A few more wheezes and then, “Off. Please.”

Raph shook his head, one arm finally able to snake halfway around Leo’s body.“Raph ain’t moving yet, Leo. You need to take some deep breaths.”

Leo grit his teeth. Donnie repositioned his hold on Mikey as he tried to headbutt him. God, this kid was strong, what were they feeding him?! His arms were already starting to hurt. “Mikey, do what Raph says. You both need to… take deep breaths.”

“Screw that!” Mikey spat, lurching forward. “I know you can hear me, Leo! You want to act like that, I’ll meet you halfway!”

“Michelangelo, that is enough.” Splinter steps between the fights with a booming, authoritative voice. Mikey’s movements slowed, but they didn’t stop. Splinter’s hands were shaking, but his voice was sturdy as he said, “Please… enough.”

He then turned to Leo and kneeled down in front of him. “Leonardo, look at me.” Leo did not do that. His eyes were still white, his breathing still labored and drawn thin through his bared teeth. He mumbled something under his breath, over and over, unseeing and tense. Splinter inched closer. “Leonardo, please look at me.”

Donnie felt Mikey trying to wiggle out of his grip again, so he tightened the hold. Mikey whined and then his markings began to glow again. Donnie’s consciousness was tugged down against his will once more.

They pulled. They grasped hold of the energies covered in clouds and dark oceans and a heaviness so devastating Donnie wanted to cry again. He wanted to run, dammit. But, he wouldn’t lose his brothers again. He couldn’t, he couldn’t, he –

Donnie felt himself fall back into his body again, full-body jerking as he gasped for air. Mikey slumped against him, also breathing hard. There were a series of distressed clicks and chirps and Donnie peeked around Mikey’s shoulder to see Leo coming to, his pupils reappearing from behind his nictitating membrane as it slid back open. Even then, his eyes were distant. That was, until his eyes landed on Mikey.

Awareness snapped into his gaze, his mouth falling open. “Mikey.”

Mikey wiggled in Donnie and April’s grasp, a sob ripping through him. “Why would you say that?”

“Mikey.” Leo’s voice wobbled, wheezed, cracked. His gaze traveled over Mikey’s face and Donnie noted for the first time that there was blood coming from Mikey’s nose and mouth, faint bruises sprouting on his arms and shoulders. Leo didn’t look much better, scratched and bruised, with a busted lip and brow. He hiccuped. “Mikey.”

Donnie saw Leo’s markings try to light up, the light sputtering and dying as he gasped for air. “Raph, I think… I think you can get off of him now.”

“I don’t want him to bolt.”

Leo whimpered. “Mikey, I’m… I didn’t mean it.”

Mikey shook and another sob left him. “Why would you even think that?! How could you think that it would’ve been better to leave you?!”

“Mike –”

“Shut up!” Mikey shook his head and tried to lunge forward. Donnie kept his hold, and tears pricked his eyes as he found himself unable to say anything. “Don’t you know?! How can you not understand?!”

Leo’s eyes widened. Then, to Donnie’s absolute shock, they filled with tears. He watched as the tears fell down Leo’s face, watched as Raph pushed his weight off of him in shock, watched as Leo opened his mouth to talk.

Instead, a broken sob left Leo. Then another. Another. His fingers curled against the floor, his expression crumpling as he tried to gasp around the sobs that he seemed unable to control now. He was saying something but he couldn’t understand what was being said at first. Then, Leo pressed his forehead to the floor and whined. “I’m sorry.”

Donnie watched as the one person he almost never saw cry, who he hadn’t seen cry in years, fall to absolute pieces in front of him. And he found himself tumbling after.

He couldn’t see. He couldn’t understand what he was looking at. The Prison Dimension faded away to reveal the dojo of his home. He was on the floor… he was underneath Raph, and CJ had his wrist, pinning his arm to the floor with his hands. Splinter – his dad – stood somewhere to his left, between them and –

Mikey.

Donnie and April had Mikey by the arms, restraining him. He was crying and angry and… oh god, he was bleeding. Bruises, scratches, and bite marks littered his skin and face. He had a partially swollen eye and a busted lip. He glared at Leo; yelled at him.

He… Leo had done this. Leo did this. That’s his little brother. That’s… he looks so angry and sad. He’s yelling at Leo, kicking his feet where they’re splayed on the floor in front of him, straining against Donnie and April weakly. A strained sob escaped Mikey as he said something that Leo can’t understand over the ringing in his head.

Leo can’t… do this. He just… he felt something inside him crack apart. It began to break off in bladed chunks, cutting him clean through as the feeling choked him. He opened his mouth to say something and all he could get out was, “Mikey”. Over and over and over. It took a while to manage anything else, and even then all he could whimper was, “I didn’t mean it.”

And no, no, no, he can’t hold back the flood of emotions threatening to burst him apart. He’s trying so damn hard and he cannot, he can’t, it hurts. This pain is only mounting, and it has been for months. This was a devastating, expanding hurt that was consuming him from the inside out, a racing mass of shadows and restless, dark energy he hadn’t been able to shake since the day of the invasion. He… he…

He hated himself. He hated himself.

Mikey yelled something to him again, snapped a sharp remark at Donnie when he tried to stop him. The words took a while to process, but eventually they did. “Why would you even think that?! How could you think that it would’ve been better to leave you?! Don’t you know?! How can you not understand?!”

And maybe they were right. But, he couldn’t help how he felt right now. He couldn’t help that even with how much he wanted to stay, how much he wanted to be here, he wanted… deserved to…

Mikey’s eyes pleaded with Leo, and it snapped a frayed thread inside of him. A broken sob cut through him, followed by another. Tears pricked the corners of his eyes, and while he’d usually blink them away and force them down, he no longer had the strength to do so. He felt Raph flinch and ease off of him a bit, loosening his hold around Leo’s shell and chest, but Leo couldn’t move right now even if he wanted to. A string of babbling left his mouth, words incoherent and staggered around his ragged crying.

He hurt so badly.

Leo let out a high-pitched whine, and pressed his forehead hard into the floor, fingers curling as he tried to find something — anything — to hang onto. “I’m sorry.”

The tears hit him fast and hard, and before he can do anything, he is sobbing. They start relatively normal, in a way he’s done in private from time to time over the course of his life. But within moments, the sobs go from average to world-ending. He can’t breathe. The cries rip out of him, tearing his unraveled, frayed nerves to bits. He knows he’s saying something, over and over again, but he cannot fathom what that might be. His sobs turn to choked wails, but he is deaf to them over the sound of his heart shattering in his chest. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want any of this, and yet he believed he deserved every single bit of it.

All he wanted was to save them. It was all he’d ever wanted.

Raph sat up from above him and with a gentle tug, pulled Leo up after him. He held Leo from behind with both arms, pressing his brow into the back of Leo’s head. He’s rumbling, his mouth forming words over and over, but Leo can’t make sense of it at all. He starts to worry that if Raph lets him go, he’ll literally fall apart, so his hands come up and cling tightly to Raph’s forearms. All he can beg in his mind is don’t let go, don’t let go, I’m scared, please don’t let go.

Mikey is bleeding. Leo hurt him. He hurt all of them. He’s angry. He hurts. He’s sorry. He’s so, so sorry. He just wanted to be home.

“It’s okay, Leo.” Raph mumbles, his own tears now hitting Leo’s neck and shoulders. “It’s okay, you’re home… we’re here. You’re here. I’m sorry, too. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have pushed you so hard… god, Raph didn’t know it was so… I’m sorry. I’m sorry, too.”

He isn’t sure how long they sit like that, but soon, Leo heard Mikey’s squirming halt and he’s just outright crying now, too. Leo clutched tightly at Raph’s forearms, too broken apart to care about how loud his sobs are. He can’t focus on anything other than how each inhale feels like razor-wire, how each exhale has his mind flashing to metal claws crushing him down, down, down. It takes an eternity and yet not long enough for him to gain back a semblance of conscious thought.

He isn’t sure when he started to reach for Mikey. All he knows is that he is desperate to fix what he broke. Mikey is now slumping forward as Donnie and April loosened their holds on him. His little brother is on his hands and knees, eyes never leaving Leo’s as he scrambled toward him too. There’s a moment where Leo wonders if Mikey will hit him again, and he thinks that would be fine as long as he can hold him.

But that doesn’t happen.

Raph moved his arms to make room as Leo managed to sit up on his own a bit more. Mikey tumbled into him, arms weakly wrapping around him, fat tears streaming down his round cheeks. Leo’s hands went straight to Mikey’s face, gently checking the damage as they both continued to cry.

Mikey hiccuped, eyes closing. “Don’t you know that we love you? Why would you want to leave us?”

He didn’t. He wanted to be here, with them, always. He didn’t want to go. He thought he’d made peace with leaving them if it saved them, but he’d survived. And now… he had to face them after believing himself dead. How did he tell them it wasn’t them he was trying to leave, but himself.

“You’re… bleeding.” Is all he can manage between sobs.

“You are too, dummy.” Mikey sniffed, reaching up and touching the side of the cut on his brow that he hadn’t realized was there. “I’m sorry.”

Leo just shook his head and pulled Mikey into his chest, holding onto him tightly. Mikey clung back just as tight. Leo looked up to see Donnie and April gazing at him, April’s eyes shining with unshed tears, but Donnie’s streamed freely down his face. At Leo’s gaze meeting Donnie’s, he flinched… then began to scoot forward. Leo reached out one arm and Donnie grabbed it, allowing himself to be pulled against Mikey’s shell and into their embrace. Raph encircled them all and they sat there, crying into each other.

Leo doesn’t know when April, Casey, and Splinter joined. He just knows that there are sudden warm hands and arms there, and his father’s telltale small hands are touching each of their heads repeatedly. He’s saying something softly, over and over, but Leo can’t hear him over his own cries.

He’s overcome with the sudden, overwhelming fear that he is not home, but gone. That all of this has been a figment of his imagination and… he…

“D-don’t leave.” Leo gasped, grasping tighter to Mikey, to Donnie, turning his face into Raph’s arm. “P-please, I don’t… I can’t be there. Tell me I-I’m h-home.”

Raph whined, Mikey sobbed, and Donnie reached his closest hand around the back of Leo’s head and gently turned his face. Leo could hardly see through his own tears, but he knew Donnie was looking directly into his eyes. “You’re home, Leo. You’ve been home since Mikey opened that portal and we pulled you out of it.”

Mikey nodded into Leo’s chest. “You’re home, with us, where you belong.”

Raph just held them tighter, his chin resting on top of Leo’s head. His voice was incredibly soft and warbled. “Oh Leo… you’re safe.”

Leo wanted to believe them. They wouldn’t lie about this to him, especially not if he was a wreck like this. He nodded, pressing his face to the side of Mikey’s head and letting Donnie’s hand continue to grasp the back of his head, grounding him with gentle squeezes. April’s warm hand was moving up and down the side of his shell in comforting strokes and Casey… he leaned against Raph’s side and let one of his own warm hands sit at the top of Leo’s shell.

He can’t help the words that come up from somewhere deep in his bones. “W-why do you guys even… why do you…?”

Why do you love me at all?

It isn’t said out loud, but it doesn’t matter. They all grasp at him just that little bit tighter, and Leo finally feels like he’s falling back into his body. He finally felt like the floor was under him again, like he wasn’t dreaming, like he was actually here and surrounded by his family. This wasn’t a fever dream. He was home. They wouldn’t lie to him.

Not about this.

Never about this.

Leo cried. He cried until his eyes started to droop and he slumped over Mikey, who just continued to hold him tightly. He felt Donnie’s hand move from the back of Leo’s neck to his face, gently wiping at the drying blood and mumbling about needing to disinfect and bandage him. Raph tugged them closer, and he heard April finally, wetly, saying she never meant for this to happen. Raph just nodded and they left it at that. Splinter’s saying to open the dojo; he’s going to prepare a space in the living room for all of them. Casey offered to help.

Leo heard more words, but he’s falling asleep. He’s so tired. He’s afraid he’ll wake up and be somewhere else. But he feels the warmth of his brothers’ mystic energy assure him, hold him, keep him there with them. It’s the thing he needed.

He sleeps, grasping tightly to the people he’d give his life for over and over again. He carried pieces of them with him, always. He hoped they knew…

For them, no price would ever be too big.

Even when it hurt.

Chapter Text

Raph woke up with a slight jolt, which made Leo groan softly in his sleep as he rolled over and away from him, flinging an arm over Donnie. It made the softshell mumble, but he lifted an arm around Leo in return and they both fell back into steady, sleepy breathing.

Normally, Raph would’ve found this a perfect opportunity to take a picture to blackmail and tease them later, but right now, he had a more pressing issue. He’d just woken from another nightmare, and he tried to get to his feet as quietly as possible as he stumbled out of the living room towards the bathroom. He tried not to panic; he couldn’t see well from his right eye. He couldn’t… he couldn’t. It itched, ached, and he wanted to claw it out.

Raph was pretty sure he knocked every single thing on the small sink counter to the floor, but he could only think about turning on the water. He tried rinsing his eye out. Raph didn’t look in the mirror, out of fear of seeing something growing out of his face again. He hated this feeling; he’d hoped it was going away.

Away, away, away, out, out, out –

“Raph?”

He jumped, the sink creaking under his strong grip as his head whipped around to face… “Junior.”

CJ put his hands up in a halfway placating gesture. “Are you okay?”

Raph wanted to just say yes. It would’ve been the easiest thing to do. But, after everything he and his family had just been through the day before, and after all his training with April, he knew it was better not to lie. “It’s… my eye.”

Casey approached him slowly. “Do you want me to look at it?”

Raph nodded slowly and lowered himself into a crouch so Casey could get a better look. He tried not to flinch when his hands reached up to gently cup Raph’s cheek and jaw as he angled his head to inspect it. Raph didn’t know what to do; his nerves were sky high.

“Look at the wall just over my shoulder.” Casey said gently. It was weird when he did that. Like he knew exactly and confidently what tones and approaches to take when it came to them, while weirdly looking so unsure. Raph obliged, redirecting his gaze and letting Casey do… whatever he was doing.

When he seemed satisfied, he hummed gently and gave Raph’s shoulder a pat. “It looks normal, Raphael. Or… as normal as it can.

He can’t help the relief and disappointment that washes over him. “But not better?” Junior’s mouth pulls into a line, brows lifting a little. He looks like he’s contemplating something, so Raph says, “What?”

“Nothing really. It’s just that… well… in my time, Raphael wore an eye patch.”

“He did?” Raph perked up. Casey hadn’t spoken much of Raph’s future self, and he’d resorted not to pry. But now… maybe he could learn something.

“Yeah. Again, I don’t remember too much, but I do remember that. It made him look intimidating, and people gave him a wide berth when he walked around.” He smiled fondly. “But for those who knew him, they knew he was gentle and kind. That intensity only ever came out when he was in battle or, occasionally, arguing with his brothers.”

“That sounds about right,” Raph snorted. “We never figured out how to talk to each other, huh?”

“I wouldn’t say that.” Casey’s smile turned fond. “Raphael just cared a lot about them, and they weren’t always the best listeners. They still aren’t. But, in the end, it was always you or Sensei who won out. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, my Raph had an issue with his eye, too. But it didn’t stop him from being our biggest powerhouse for years during the war.” He reached out and patted Raph’s shoulder again. “You’re still you.”

And Raph felt himself start to smile at that. “A powerhouse, huh?”

Casey chuckled. “Yeah man, the powerhouse. Your brothers had big shoes to fill in your place, and I don’t mean just physically. You were awesome. You are awesome. And… I’ll say something that I remember he used to tell me.”

“What’s that?”

His eyes took on a distant look, one of tenderness and nostalgia. “We are not alone. Our true strength lies in family; being there for one another.” Casey pats Raph’s shoulder again and says, “We are here with you, Raph. I’ve seen you guys… or, a version of you, go through hell and high water together and still come out the other side valiant. I know you can do it now, too.”

Raph yanked Casey into him and gave him a firm hug. Not quite as strong as his brothers, seeing as Casey wasn’t hard-shelled and a mutant, but still strong enough to make the guy wheeze out a laugh and return the hug. “Thank you, Junior. You’ve been… it’s been so nice to have you around. And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. If you need anything… please talk to us.”

Casey patted the back of Raph’s shell and nodded. “Yeah, of course big guy.”

Raph set him down and then stood back up to his full height. “Where was Mikey, by the way? I noticed he wasn’t there when I woke up.”

“Oh! He’s in the kitchen.”

“Again?!” Raph felt a wave of exasperation rise up in him. “Is someone with him?”

“Master Splinter is with him, don’t worry.” He motioned for Raph to follow him out of the bathroom. “We should go talk to Donnie about your eye while we wait for breakfast.”

Raph hesitated, halting just outside of the bathroom. “Ahh… I don’t want to bother him. Or Leo. At least… not yet. Can we talk to them about it after breakfast? I want to let them sleep.”

Casey thought and then nodded in agreement. “Yeah, okay.” Then, his tone sharpened and he pointed a finger at Raph’s chest, narrowing his eyes. “But I’m not going to forget! If you don’t bring it up, I will. Got it?”

And Raph couldn’t help but laugh a little. He wondered just how much more of his mother he’d see in the kid over time. “Okay, Casey Junior. You got it.”

“Good. Now, let’s go see what’s going on in the kitchen while we wait for the other three.” He spun back around and began to walk off. Raph watched him for a moment before following. The kid was carrying a lifetime of trauma and still managed to be so full of hope, which gave him hope.

It was good to know they’d still done that thing right, even in the face of a doomed world; their greatest weapon passed from generation to generation. He hoped that would be their new legacy, replacing self-sacrifice and loss and blind duty.

He hoped.

Mikey woke up feeling like he’d been hit by a train. Which made sense when he realized where he was and remembered what had happened.

He was tucked underneath two arms; one of Leo’s and one of Raph’s. They both snored lightly into the pile of pillows and blankets they’d sunken into hours ago. Yesterday, Mikey hadn’t let go of Leo, and Leo had clung to him just as tightly. Raph had to carry them here, and Splinter had cleaned them up a bit, but everything after that was fuzzy. He knew he fell asleep still wrapped around his idiot brother and that was it.

However much time had passed, it must’ve been a lot, because the first thing on Mikey’s mind after waking, was food. His stomach followed that thought by making a series of growling noises. Okay. Breakfast first then. He sat up slowly, being careful not to wake his brothers as he wiggled out from under them. He saw Donnie curled into Leo’s shell and April behind him. On Raph’s other side was CJ, and curled into the back of Raph’s neck was their father. Mikey wanted to take a picture but he didn’t know where his phone was and his stomach growled louder the longer he took.

He slowly made his way to the kitchen, careful not to wake anyone, and started rummaging through cabinets and the fridge to see what they had. It wasn’t much, and with Mikey’s hands still not quite in top shape — though they were doing much better as compared to the initial weeks following the invasion — he’d have to keep breakfast simple.

He found a few boxes of frozen waffles, two plastic containers of strawberries and blueberries, half a dozen eggs, and four slices of bacon. He decided the bacon would go to Raph, the eggs could be split between himself, Casey, and Donnie, and Leo could have all the strawberries. April and Splinter could have the blueberries on their waffles; he knew they wouldn’t complain today about it.

As he warmed a pan for bacon and another for eggs, his mind drifted off to what had happened the day before. A deep, heavy sadness settled over his heart and body as he did, and with a heavy sigh, he leaned against the counter and dropped his head into a palm.

A quiet, warm voice broke the silence. “Do not fret, my son. You couldn’t have known.”

Mikey didn’t look at him as he slowly lowered his hand and carefully poured the eggs into the warm pan. He almost didn’t recognize his own voice when he answered. “That’s the problem, Pops. I did notice… I just didn’t want to push. I didn’t want to be right. For once, I wanted to believe Leo was okay; that all of us were okay.” He stirred the eggs and added just a dash of salt and pepper. Donnie would forgive him, like he always did. “It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what happened to Leo up there. We all know what state he was in when we pulled him out. But… what worries me more is that he’s obviously been holding it all in.”

Splinter was now perched on a bar stool near the counter just behind and to the side of Mikey. “Is that not what you were also doing, Orange?”

Mikey couldn’t help the bitter laugh as it bubbled up and out of him. “Yeah, fancy that.”

The sound of cooking eggs, now with the addition of sizzling bacon, filled the air. Mikey wished he hadn’t said it that way, but even he was too tired and frazzled to pretend he was doing better today. Right now, he was just hungry, and he liked cooking for his family so he’d do that for them, too.

Splinter finally spoke up again as Mikey finished the eggs and scooped them onto a plate. “Do you know why I gave you the name Michelangelo?”

After plating the now cooked bacon, Mikey finally turned to face his dad, confused. “Uhh, because you like Renaissance artists?”

Splinter chuckled. “No. Though, I’ll admit, they all have such lovely artwork.” He looked down at his spindly fingers, voice turning to that quiet place that always made their dad feel so old. “No, I chose it because I saw you and I saw your heart. You’ve always had a natural pull towards creating. You always sought out something new, something beautiful, and made things out of what others may consider ugly or garbage. You transform things, son. You are my own messenger from God, or whatever may be out there, to have blessed me with the honor of raising you and being your father.” Splinter’s voice cracked and Mikey felt his own throat start to grow tight with emotion. “Raising all four of you has been such a blessing… but also a challenge. You four deserve the world and I want to give it to you. Yet, even in my old age, I sometimes…”

Mikey moved closer to his dad, now sitting on a chair beside him. He reached out his hand and Splinter took it gently in both of his. “What is it, Dad?”

“I sometimes make mistakes. I fall short. I regret… the way I raised you, sometimes. Or, didn’t raise you. I have no excuse.”

“Dad, you were depressed —”

“That should not have fallen onto you boys. I should not have made Raphael feel like he had to be responsible, or Donnie to feel useful, or you to feel like you had to carry everyone’s emotional weight. And Leonardo… I shouldn’t have made him feel like he was always such a burden. Maybe then… maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did. Maybe —”

Mikey squeezed Splinter’s hands and tried for a smile. “Dad, please, that’s enough. We don’t need two self-destructive guys in this house right now.”

Splinter chuckled wetly. “Heh… maybe that’s where he gets it from.”

It’s funny and not, but Mikey knows everyone is still a little unstable right now, so he lets it slide. He’s too tired and too hungry. “Wake the others for breakfast?”

“Okay.” He patted Mikey’s hand and hopped off the stool. Then, before exiting the kitchen area, he turned and said, “Please come talk to me when you need to, son. I am always here for you.”

Mikey felt his throat tighten. “Sure thing.”

While he waited for the others, he started popping more waffles into the toaster and let himself get lost in his thoughts for a little while.

Raph and Casey appeared to help not too soon after, and Mikey felt some relief at seeing them up and about, and looking a little less tense than they’d all been for the last… too long, really. He offered up a smile to them as they walked in and asked how they could help.

Their dad asked them to set the table, as they almost had everything ready to eat anyway. So they set the table and Mikey plated all the food – with his dad’s help – and brought it to the table. Once everything was ready, Mikey looked between them and said, “Okay. Who’s going to wake the others?”

Raph looked away and even Casey started to fidget. Splinter sighed. “I’ll go get them, you boys sit down.” And just before he left the room, he turned his head and pointed at each of them individually. “No sneaking away to your rooms! Stay here; I will be right back.”

They all voiced their agreements and okays and took a seat to wait, starting to grab what they’d each like to eat and piling it onto their plates. Raph took only one slice of bacon, and shrugged at Mikey’s questioning look. Ah well, more for everyone then. He let them grab what they wanted as he drifted into thought.

He thought about what he wanted to say… what he maybe should say… and cringed to himself. Usually he was so good with words, but right now he felt stuck. He knew Leo didn’t hate him, didn’t hate any of them, but he’d been so upset… and Mikey had hurt him. He wanted to apologize but he also wasn’t completely sorry. That alone made him feel even more conflicted.

Mikey wouldn’t forget… he couldn't forget.

Mikey could barely think straight. All he could think was that Leo was trying to run away again. All he could feel was the hurt and rage and sorrow he’d been burying for months bubbling, boiling, bursting to the surface of his body. Why was Leo hiding his true feelings from them? They were family. Their job was to trust each other with things like this, especially in the hardest or darkest times. They needed each other. Why was Leo so insistent on being alone through all of this?

The last thing he can really remember is Leo saying they should’ve let him die. What was that even supposed to mean?! As if they would’ve left him there. As if they could’ve moved on and been just fine without him. As if he wanted to be left there. What was he trying to prove? Why would he say that?!

He knows he’d launched himself at Leo then, barely registering the shock and hurt on the faces of everyone around him. He’d been so… angry. Underneath all that anger, he knew it was heartache. But, he’d been holding everything in for too long and now it was all pouring out of him; his fists, his feet, his teeth. Leo was under him, fighting back, teeth bared and face scrunched in an anger so raw, so heartbreaking, that if Mikey hadn’t already flown off the handle, he probably would’ve said he understood.

Perhaps that’s why he didn’t stop. Maybe that’s why he found himself being dragged into Leo’s memories, their shared ninpo fueling the rage between them. It isn’t until Leo’s flames turn to panic that Mikey starts to feel some semblance of conscious thought beyond “how dare you, how dare you”.

He heard Leo, pleading. He heard his family.

He heard Kraang.

Something about that seemed to snap Mikey back into his body. He hesitated on a blow at the worst moment. All of Leo’s markings had glowed blue – they’d never done that before – and a katana had formed in his hand out of thin air. The see-through, ethereal blade cut the air for his neck. Mikey couldn’t move.

Donnie barreled into him, something purple blocking the blow to his neck just before they’d collided. But Mikey had more to say; he wasn’t done with this fight. He’d thought, if only Donnie would let him go, he could finish this. Maybe he could fix it, but right now he wants to finish it.

He’d shouted and squirmed hard against Donnie’s grip. A small part of him didn’t want to fight but the bigger part really, really did.

Mikey doesn’t know how he activated his ninpo. What he does know is that doing so felt like cracking open his soul. He couldn’t hide from his brothers, his family, as they were drawn into him all at once. But he heard his brothers’ voices, felt their energies as they tried to swim back to the surface of their consciousness. It hurt. Everything hurt so badly.

But then… Leo started to cry. He started to sob. It broke another piece of Mikey because… Leo didn’t cry. He was annoyingly well known to make everything lighthearted and, when he was upset, he never cried in front of them. Mikey wished he cried more, most of the time. But now, as he began to shatter into pieces before him, he wished he wouldn’t cry at all. It sounded so painful; like the cry came from his soul and not just his heart.

Mikey couldn’t believe he’d wanted to die. That he may truly believe they should’ve left him there. He’d nearly given his hands… he’d nearly given his life to get Leo back. He didn’t regret it, he never could. So, why did Leo think… how could he ever believe…?

All he wanted was to keep his family safe. He was only fifteen. They were all so young still. They had so much left to live for. Mikey ended up in Leo’s arms somehow, his brother cradling his face and crying, bleeding, worrying, apologizing. But Mikey just wanted to get him to understand, to listen for once.

They loved him.

And as Mikey eventually passed out, tucked into the embrace of his family, he held onto the hope that Leo wouldn’t disappear ever again.

It had been a long time since Leo felt safe while waking up. It had also been a while since he’d woken up not alone. When he shifted his position, he realized an arm was slung over him, and he had one of his own around someone, too. With a slight, half-asleep press of his fingers, he recognized Donnie’s soft shell and let out a long, slow breath. Unsure if Donnie would still hold onto him when he woke up, he pretended to still be fully asleep, if only for his own selfish comfort. Raph and Mikey were gone already — he could sense the empty space behind him — and the distinct presence of his dad was missing as well. The only ones left were him, Donnie, and a snoring April in the chair behind them.

Leo must have dozed back off at some point though because he suddenly felt a hand on his head, gentle but weathered. “It is time to wake up, my boys. Breakfast is ready.”

Knowing it was better not to argue after everything, Leo groaned and started to move himself so he could get up. But then the arm around him tightened and a very tired, irritated click rose from the softshell. Leo chuckled, a little disbelieving, and tried to wiggle out of his grasp again. Donnie just held tighter. “D’n wanna. More sleep.”

“We gotta get up.” Leo muttered, his throat feeling rough and dry. “Breakfast.”

Donnie’s beak scrunched and he peeled open an eye. Leo expected him to pull back, to let him go when he realized who he was clinging to. Instead, he just closed his eye again and gave Leo a squeeze, mumbling into the pillow. “Fiiiiine.”

Something about that little gesture made Leo’s chest swell, and he had to choke back tears. Splinter sighed above them. “Just like when you were babies. I shall give you five more minutes, but then you better be at that table, or I’ll send Orange.”

Leo snorted softly. “Okay, dad.” He listened as he went over to wake up April, letting his eyes close again. When he heard April sleepily trailing away to the kitchen, he whispered, “Dee?”

“Mmmm.” Was the only response he got.

“Dee.”

“Hmm?”

“Wake up.”

“No.”

“Gotta get breakfast.”

“W’nna stay here.” Donnie gave his shell another firm squeeze.

Leo hummed and patted Donnie’s shell in return. He knew if he rubbed circles there he’d just put the softie back to sleep. “Me too… but I’m hungry.”

“Ughhhh.” He groaned in response, finally shifting away and letting Leo go. “I’m coming back here after breakfast.”

“Okay.”

“You too.”

Leo opened his eyes and saw Donnie looking at him, a mix of emotions on his face even though he was trying and failing to conceal them. Suddenly, everything from the day before came crashing back into him, and Leo looked away first, turning so he could push himself into sitting up. “Since when are you the boss?” He teased.

“Since I said so.” Donnie sniffed haughtily. Then, with a little more softness, said, “It was nice… having everyone here.”

Leo’s eyes widened and he re-examined his brother’s face as he, too, sat up. It was a look they didn’t see often; neediness. Oh. Leo smiled gently. “Okay, I’ll come back here. But, we should go eat now before Mikey comes for us.”

“Yeah, don’t want that.” Donnie agreed, pushing slowly into a stand. Both of their joints popped and Leo’s leg and shell ached. He wondered if a storm was coming with the extra hurt there. Donnie seemed to notice his shift in weight because he said, “You'll probably be sore for a couple days. Your… fight with Mikey probably didn’t help matters.”

“Oh.” Leo looked down at his leg and the scar running along it, sheepish. “Yeah… makes sense.”

Donnie sighed and looped his arm through Leo’s. “No pouting before breakfast. Let’s just focus on eating for now. I need coffee before I deal with all this emotional shit.”

“Language.” Leo chided lightly. Donnie just shoulder bumped him but didn’t let go of his arm, offering support as they made their way to the kitchen.

As they got to the table, he saw everyone already grabbing their plates and filling them with eggs, bacon, and freshly toasted waffles. There was even a bowl of fresh fruit, which his dad had just set down. Leo’s mouth watered as he and Donnie made their way to their seats, both settling down and grabbing their plates. It wasn’t until Leo was sitting and Donnie was no longer helping hold him up that he noticed how quiet it had got. He glanced up and saw them all watching him, then looking away when his eyes landed on them.

With a heavy sigh, Leo grabbed the food he wanted and sat back. “Okay, who’s going first?”

“About what?” Raph asked, too tightly.

Leo sighed again, twirling his fork around in his fingers before stabbing a clump of scrambled eggs and shoving it into his mouth. “You know what.”

“Chew first.” April chided, digging into her waffles.

Leo swallowed. “Chew me out, then.”

“Weak.” Donnie grumbled, pouring syrup over his waffles while biting into a strip of bacon. “You’re off your game.”

“Boys — and April — we should eat first.” Splinter said calmly, pouring two mugs of coffee and sliding one over to the softshell.

“Actually, I have something I’d like to say.” Mikey said, tone far too calm for Leo’s liking. His little brother’s gaze flicked up to his and held it, expression controlled.

Leo sets down his fork, already halfway through a waffle even though he’d wanted to wait for his turn with the syrup. “Okay. Go for it.”

Raph piped up. “Are we sure this is the time?”

Mikey ignored him, still looking at Leo. “You’ve been a pain in the ass, Leo.” A chorus of responses and retorts went up at that but Leo didn’t flinch, and he didn’t look away. Mikey continued as if it were just them in the room. “You left us. All the way back from the moment you went through that dimensional gateway, you left us. You never came home. You didn’t listen to medical directions even though you, of all of us, know better. You were reckless, got even more sick and injured than you already were, and worried the hell out of us. Then all of that?!” Mikey tightened his grip on his fork and lightly thumped his fist down onto the table. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Leo had felt himself shrinking under the scrutiny with each passing sentence, and by the end, he dropped eye contact. He didn’t even know where to start. He didn’t know how far back these problems within him went.

He was surprised when Raph said, “Don’t answer that.”

Mikey’s head whipped around. “What do you mean!?”

“I mean,” Raph said gently. “Don’t answer it right now. A lot of things you said are right, Mikey, don’t get me wrong. But Raph thinks we all need to eat and then we should talk.”

April reached over from where she sat at the end of their little table and gently set her hand on Mikey’s fist. “We will talk, big guy. But let’s take it one thing at a time this go-around, okay?”

Mikey didn’t look happy about it, but he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. His gaze was less tense and more apologetic when he looked up at Leo and mumbled an apology.

That was wrong. Leo sat up straighter. “No, don’t… don’t apologize to me; not yet. You’re right about a lot of things… really, about all of them. If anyone should apologize, it’s me.”

Donnie spoke up again. “Leo, later.”

“Okay, later. We’ll get into details later, but I still want to say it.” He took a deep breath and looked each of his family in the face with a quick swivel of his head. His eyes ended up on Mikey last, looking at him and his bandages and bruises and scratches. “I’m sorry… for all of it.”

Mikey stared at him. Then, slowly, he nodded and relaxed a bit.

Splinter cleared his throat. “Enough now children, let’s eat. April, when you are finished, would you be so kind as to get Blue’s leg brace from his room?”

“Sure thing.” She smiled, finishing off the last few bites in seconds and placing her dishes in the sink before disappearing further into the Lair.

“It’s okay dad.” Leo said softly.

“No. You will need it again for a few days. You are almost healed, but not quite. Now, let us enjoy the meal Orange prepared and then reconvene in the living room.”

So they finished breakfast with an awkward, quiet air and cleared their places. Casey said he was going to clean up the kitchen. April came back with the brace and Donnie’s headphones, then helped Leo snap it into place over his leg. Donnie still offered an arm to him while they made their way to the main room. Raph and Mikey had left together just a couple minutes earlier, Raph keeping a warm, gentle palm across Mikey’s upper shell.

Leo had so many things filling his head, so many words and emotions making him feel like he was expanding from the inside out. He didn’t want to do this. He did want to do this. He was…

Donnie tapped his fingers against Leo’s arm to get his attention and he looked at him from the corner of his eye. “You’re thinking too loud.”

“Surprised you can hear that with those headphones on.”

“Har-har.” Donnie deadpanned. “I’m serious.”

Leo stopped before they reached the main space, forcing Donnie to stop with him even though he’d almost slipped out from under Leo’s arm. He stared at his twin, the person who he’d probably put through the most the last couple months, and felt his fingers tremble. “Why are you being so nice? Aren’t you mad at me?”

Donnie’s brows raised in surprise. Then his expression shifted to one of hurt and frustration. “Yeah. But… not like yesterday. Not like before. Not like you thought I was.”

“But… I was so —”

“Wait.” Donnie interrupted, reaching between them and flicking Leo right on the top of his beak. Leo squawked and Donnie smiled just a little. “It can wait. Come on.”

So he swallowed hard, looking over to his family waiting for them expectantly, and moved forward.

Mikey wished he wasn’t still mad. He wasn’t used to being mad at his brothers at all, much less with such a frequency. But, underneath all the anger, Mikey knew it was fear and hurt that grew at its root. He’d known it yesterday and he knew it today. Fear that any day, any time, he could lose one of them forever. Fear that it had almost happened to Leo twice in less than a year. Anger that the second time had been Leo’s own fault. Anger and fear that Leo had made that stupid, but successful plan during invasion day.

Mikey wanted to know what Leo had been thinking.

“Hello boys.” Splinter’s voice broke Mikey out of his thoughts, and he looked up from his beanbag to see Leo and Donnie, the former leaning heavily against the latter. “Have a seat.”

Leo waved a greeting and let Donnie help him back down into the blanket and pillow pile still sitting in the middle of the floor. Leo adjusted himself so he was laying on his stomach but still able to see them all with a couple pillows propped under his arms and chest. Shocking almost all of them, Donnie climbed right next to Leo and leaned his exposed shell against his side.

Has Donnie moved on already? Mikey wondered. Am I really the only one still mad?

Leo cleared his throat. “Okay. Let me start with an apology… but also with a warning.”

April propped her chin in her hand from the chair she was in. “A warning?”

Leo nodded. “I know this is important. I also… I know now that I can’t keep shoving things down until I explode like that. But…” He dropped his gaze and his shoulders moved, telling them he was fidgeting with his hands. It was weird seeing all these old anxious tells in Leo. He’d come to outgrow them — or in this case, hide them — really well over the years. “I might… have to stop if I get… ugh, if I get overwhelmed.”

“Deal.” Raph said easily.

“That’s fair.” April nodded.

“Okay.” Mikey knew he sounded reluctant, but he had to be patient. He had to not let this newer, persistent spark of anger take over his usually empathetic and compassionate behavior. He didn’t want a repeat of yesterday.

Leo chuckled nervously. “Right. Um. Yesterday is kind of a blur at some parts… but… heh, I don’t know where to start, actually.”

Casey arrived then, picking a spot near Raph to settle in and join the conversation. Splinter moved too, making his way over to Leo and sitting beside his head, pressing lightly against his shoulder. Immediately, Leo seemed to relax, which Mikey took as his opportunity.

“I want to know why you didn’t just talk to us about all of it.” Mikey knew he sounded a little too sharp still, so he tried to level it out. “We’ve been trying to help each other out as much as possible and we all thought you were getting better until Donnie had to save you from drowning. And then you said… lots of awful things, but we assumed it was just your fever messing with you. Then yesterday made it clear that you were thinking those things before you messed up your shell again.”

Leo stared down at the blankets beneath him. “Eugh boy, that’s… hard to explain. Not because I don’t think I should… just that I haven’t… delved into it myself.”

“Did you think you couldn’t rely on us?” Mikey pressed.

“No.” Leo shook his head. Then, shook it again. “No, it’s more like… I didn’t want to have to rely on you guys?”

Raph sighed. “Are you serious? Leo, that’s what we’re here for.”

“I know.” Leo frowned. “I know that, logically, but it’s not… it wasn’t so simple in the moment.”

April spoke up then. “I actually… have something I want to say.” Everyone’s eyes turned to her and Mikey was surprised to see guilt on her face. She was tugging at the hem of her shirt as she looked at Leo, an older anxious habit of hers. “Leo… I’m sorry.”

Surprise crossed everyone’s faces. Mikey and Leo, at the same time, said, “Why?!”

April looked between them before dropping her gaze to the floor. “Man… look, you guys are like brothers to me. I’m the oldest out of all of you so I think I just figured I knew what the best course of action would be. I felt even more right about it when Raph readily agreed with me about the meditation stuff and practiced with me. I didn’t think you’d react the way you did… and I didn’t think it would throw all of you into such a state when things fell apart.”

Silence fell across them and Mikey… he felt the first true, post-fight waves of guilt filling him up. He had escalated the moment when Leo had obviously been going into a shut down. Donnie, too, but Mikey knew he hadn’t been of any help.

Leo’s voice brought him back to the moment. “There’s no way you could’ve known, April. It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay.” April insisted. “I should’ve talked to you first.”

Their voices fell back away. Mikey was thinking of when Leo had said they should’ve left him in the prison dimension. He’s thinking of Leo’s Ninpo; how it had been the tiniest little blue flame, weak and scared. He’s thinking about how he’d been able to feel his family around him but unable to connect for the first time since unlocking the ability to do so. He thought of how useless he’d been in the final fight against Krang, and he thought about how he’d been so willing to tear himself apart if it would save his older brother.

He was up and leaving the room before he could stop himself, tears running down his face the moment he closed his train car’s door and sank to the floor in a crouch. He didn’t get it.

He wished none of it had happened.

He’s not sure how long he was there, tears falling silently and arms wrapped tightly around his legs. But when there’s a knock, he says, “Not now, Raph.”

There’s a pause and then, “Not Raph, big man.”

Mikey felt himself tense up more. “Go away, Leo.”

“Nah. I think… we should talk. You and me.”

Mikey sniffed and wiped at his nose. Gross. He needed tissues. He could sense Leo’s presence still outside of his door, and with a quick sweep of his Ninpo, he felt the rest of the family still back in the living room. He stood up slowly, his aching body protesting the movement, and headed for a tissue box on a shelf over by his art supplies. “Fine. Come in.”

The door opened with a slight creak, but Mikey kept his back to it. He blew his nose, tossed the tissue in the trash can, and leaned against one of the metal poles near him. He heard Leo shuffle into the room, close the door behind him, and find a spot to prop himself up. Neither of them spoke for a while, and suddenly, Mikey couldn’t stand it.

He whirled around to find Leo watching him, and the words started pouring out. “I’m so mad at you.”

“I know.”

“You gave up. Against the Kraang, against your injuries, and by proxy, on us. Do you have any idea what it was like to watch Donnie drag you out of the water and see you limp and lifeless around him? Do you have any clue what it was like to hear you have fever hallucinations and hear you beg for your own death?!” The tears started fresh and his voice broke. “Leo, come on, you’re my big brother. You mean the world to me, just as much as the other two, and you wanted to die?” Leo was stumbling forward now, eyes filled with regret and hurt. Mikey just stood there, words still going. “I hate that you seem to not care that we all gave so much to save the world, and that I gave up my arms for god knows how long, just to bring you back. I would’ve given my life. I even thought we could be bringing back a corpse, and I still would’ve done it. I would do it again and again and again! Leo, how could you think you don’t deserve to live?!”

Leo stumbled into him and pulled him into a tight hug. Mikey didn’t return it right away, just standing there angry and sad and guilty as he peeked the edge of a healed crack in the lip of Leo’s shell.

But Leo squeezed him tighter, and his shoulders shook, and he said, “Thank you.”

Mikey blinked. “What?”

“Thank you.” He whispered now, voice wobbly. “You brought me home, and I should’ve been saying it the whole time. You didn’t give up on me.” He began to shake. “Thank you.”

It broke him. Mikey hugged Leo back fiercely, crying into his shoulder, and ignored the ache of his bruises and his arms. He opened his Ninpo to Leo and was surprised when he reached back and held tight. They stood there for a long time, crying quietly and clinging to each other, and suddenly, Mikey didn’t think they needed to talk at all.

He could feel it all through Leo’s spirit. Remorse. Pain. Guilt. Fear. Love. Above all of those was love. And Mikey poured love right back into him until Leo laughed wetly. “You’re too good to me, Michelangelo.” He rubbed a hand down his shell before leaning back until he was looking Mikey in the face. He was smiling through tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes. “You’re the best of us.”

And Mikey saw light in Leo’s eyes. For the first time in months, it felt like he was seeing a true glimpse of the brother he’d grown up with. It made relief wash over him in a tidal wave. He hugged Leo tight again and heard him chuckle as he returned it.

“I’ll always save you.” Mikey mumbled. “I’m a mystic warrior.”

Leo chuckled again, a little lighter this time. “You sure are. You’ve always had my back when it counted. Thank you.”

And Mikey smiled against his brother’s shoulder. “Anytime.” He hovered his hands carefully around the healed cracks on Leo’s shell and let himself remember each line of the injury while listening to his heartbeat under his head.

“I’m sorry.” Leo murmured.

“I know.”

“I put you guys through hell recently, and I’m so sorry.”

“Me too. I’m sorry for pushing you so hard… especially yesterday.”

“Mmm. I'm sorry for saying something so awful.”

“I accept. Just don’t say it again, or even think it, or I’ll bite you.”

Leo laughed. “You already bit me.”

“Well next time you’re not allowed to fight back.”

“Hopefully there isn’t a next time.” Leo said nervously, and Mikey laughed.

“Damn right.”

“I love you, Mikey.”

“I love you too, dummy Leo.”

Silence stretched between them for a few more moments before Leo spoke up again. “Hey… big guy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we sit down? My leg is killing me.”

“Oh!” Mikey pulled back and saw how Leo was trying to keep most of his weight on his uninjured leg but his face said it still hurt. “Yeah. Want to… go back to the family?”

“Nah.” Leo smiled, letting Mikey help him down onto a nearby beanbag. “I think I’d rather stay here for a little longer.”

“Oh. Alright.”

“Sit with me?” Leo gestured to the floor beside him.

Mikey smiled. “Okay.”

They’d all watched Mikey leave and, with a quick glance around the room, Leo had started to get to his feet. Raph leaned forward to help him while Donnie had chastised him for trying to stand up at such an awkward angle without assistance with his leg hurting before also helping him up. Leo said he would handle Mikey. He refused help to the train car. He told them they could all continue their talks later.

Raph knew it was the right thing to do, even if he wanted to talk to Leo so badly. He had so much he wanted to say and so much he wanted to discuss. But, he could wait; he could be patient. Mikey needed to come first this time, and he recognized that. So he watched Leo disappear into Mikey’s train car and close the door behind him.

“Do you think they’ll be okay?” Casey asked.

Raph grinned and looked down at the other teenager. “Yeah, Raph thinks they’ll do just fine, or we would’ve heard shouting by now.”

“Is he going to come back?” Donnie asked, already having snuggled down into the spot Leo had been in before going after Mikey.

“That depends on what they talk about and how much they need to say.” Raph said, looking back toward Mikey’s train car. “But we should give them space for now.”

“Man… he said we’d go back to sleep.” Donnie pouted tiredly.

“I’m down for a nap.” April said, getting up and moving to snuggle down at Donnie’s side. He looked like he was going to protest until her body warmth hit him. He closed his eyes with a churr and was asleep in less than two minutes.

Raph chuckled and stood up. “Wanna spar with me, Junior? I need to keep busy for a while.”

Casey lit up at the suggestion. “Yeah!” Some of his excitement fell away. “Are we good to leave those two alone though?”

“Yeah, they’re fine.” Raph set a hand on Casey’s head and patted it. “I think after yesterday… they need to talk the most right now.”

“Alright. Let me go get changed and I’ll meet you there.” Casey hurried away toward his room and Raph smiled after him.

“I shall make some tea.” Splinter said softly, covering the now sleeping Donnie and April with a light blanket. “It’s getting colder outside. Would you like some, Raphael?”

He blinked at the full name. Then, returned the warm look his father was giving him. “I’d love some, pops.”

“Alright. I shall visit you and future boy with some mugs in a little bit. If you need me… please call for me.”

Raph saw it then. His dad — the hero, the star, the untouchable — was sad and scared. So Raph went over and crouched down beside him. “We’ll always need you, dad.”

Splinter looked at him with wide eyes and then gently pulled his head down just a little further so he could hug it. “You’ve done so well, Raphael. You’re a wonderful big brother. I’m proud of you.”

Raph felt tears rise up in him. He didn’t trust himself to talk without sobbing so he settled for an emotional rumble from deep in his chest. Splinter chuckled tightly. “Just like when you were babies. My sons. So silly. So kind.” He placed a gentle, whiskery kiss on Raph’s check and then patted his face. “Now go, I will make tea.”

“Thank you, dad. I love you.”

Splinter waved him away with a smile. “Love you too, my son.”

Raph left feeling just a little lighter. He could talk to Leo later. They had all the time in the world right now. He wouldn’t take it for granted ever again.

Never again.

Chapter Text

Leo left Mikey’s room with silent steps and a fond smile. The crying and emotional relief from the box turtle took its toll and had him passed out in his beanbag ten minutes ago. If it weren’t for the tug in Leo’s chest, he would’ve stayed there and played games on his phone until dinner, content to just fill the space for them. But the pull was insistent, so he followed it, closing Mikey’s door as quietly as he could and padding silently toward the dojo.

He could feel Raph there, the familiar warmth and strength of his energy easily sought out by Leo’s own tired flame. As he reached the mouth of the dojo, his steps slowed again, body still in the shadows, and saw his big brother and Casey Junior mid-spar.

Deja vu hits him like a train; he’d been in this exact situation several weeks back and he’d turned tail like a coward. In fact, he almost wanted to now, swallowing thickly as his fingers picked at his nails.

But he wouldn't do that now.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped forward.

Casey saw him first, jumping back from Raph and throwing a smile at him over the mutant’s shoulder. “Leo!”

Raph spun around and Leo gave a sheepish wave. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Do you… I mean… I don’t want to intrude, but do you have a minute?” Leo asked, feeling really really ridiculous for being so nervous. He hadn’t even been this nervous when it had been the whole family and now? Now he felt like staring at his feet and turning back around with a joke and a skip in his step if it meant he could hide away. One on one interactions were always harder for him.

“Sure thing.” Raph said easily. He turned to Casey. “Thanks for sparring with me man. You’re gettin’ better.”

Casey’s fingers fiddled with the edge of his shirt. “Ah, it’s nothing. Thanks for teaching me more stuff.”

“Of course.” Raph smiled.

Leo felt that mental twinge again. The one that told him ‘Raph hasn’t smiled in a long time because of you’. It was a knife in his gut and heart… but he stood his ground. Casey gathered his things and left, giving Leo a friendly pat on the arm and an encouraging smile as he passed.

Yeah, he was gonna need luck for this one.

Raph crouched on the edge of the mat to drink from a water bottle, eyes tracking Leo as he approached. Leo’s earlier confidence with Mikey had well and truly been rung dry, so when he settled down next to his big brother, he said nothing at all. He hated that his mind had gone blank and loud all at once, even as he made himself as comfortable as possible beside the snapper.

Come on, Leo, say something.

But instead, Raph said, “I’m sorry.”

Leo’s head shot up in surprise. Raph was staring at the wall, water bottle abandoned. No, this wasn’t right. Leo was the one who needed to say that. “Raph, no, dont —”

“I pushed ya too soon and in the wrong way. I’m sorry.” He insisted. “I won’t linger on it or anythin’ but… yeah, Raph’s sorry.”

Leo’s hands balled into fists in his lap. “Raph… I… if anyone is sorry… it’s me.”

“I know.”

“But you don’t know. Not really.” Leo stared at his fists, pushing through his anxiety. “Like! I know that you know, in a general sense. And everyone was around to witness the great breakdown of Neon Leon —”

“Hey —”

“But! But… this goes back further than just this time. You know?” Leo began to lightly pick at his cuticles, one by one, and his leg started to bounce ever so gently. It’s hard to make his voice audible when he speaks again. “I’m sorry for a lot of things.”

Raph sighed, the sound fond as his hand crossed the distance between them and settled gently at the top curve of his shell. “Ya want to talk or do you wanna spar?”

Leo cracked a small smile. “Can I say both?”

“Course ya can.” He gave his shell a pat. “Spar or talk first?

“Spar, for sure.”

They both stood, Leo grabbing his gear from a hook on the nearby pillar and sliding the gloves over his hands and then the helmet over his head. Raph adjusted his own gear and motioned for Leo to take up his position when he was ready.

Falling into a steady rhythm with his big brother felt as natural as breathing. Hit, block, jab, spin, block, block, step in, out, duck and roll, and spring back up. They moved in a way that showed their years of sparring together, their years of brotherhood, and roughhousing, and bruises. It felt good to do this with him and not have it edged with Leo’s stupid insecurities, masked as arrogance. It felt good to have Raph here and not look annoyed and frustrated, but at ease and focused.

Right now, Leo’s just Leo, and Raph is just Raph.

Leo found himself smiling as they picked up speed. Before long, they’ve left the small perimeter of the mat and have moved their sparring to the whole room. They pushed their Hamato blood through their veins, each touch off from surfaces like a whisper, the wind of their speed rattling the wooden dummies they move over and around. The sound of their hits are louder than anything else, but Leo could see Raph smiling, and he knew then that he was having fun, too.

Fun.

Should he be having fun right now? They haven’t talked yet; not really.

Leo fumbled his next step, put a little too much weight onto his injured leg, and careened into Raph’s side instead of toward his chest like he’d intended. But Raph must’ve sensed or seen the misstep because he caught Leo with a slight spin, bringing them to a stop just off to the side of the mat they’d started on.

“Whoa there, Leo, I think that’s good for the day. Don’t tell Donnie I let ya do that; he probably woulda killed me.”

Leo chuckled, gingerly checking his weight as Raph lowered him back to his feet. It only had the lightest twinge, so he settled and took off his helmet. “I won’t tell him. The leg is okay, but I’ll take some painkillers if I need to.”

“Wanna stretch out?”

“Sure.”

They do those together, eventually ending up in a sit, side by side and stretching forward, reaching as far as they could. When they finished those, Raph gave his knee a slap and said, “Well, Raph’s officially hungry now. Wanna go find something to snack on before dinner?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Ummm…”

Raph moved to get up but Leo stopped him with a quick hand to his shoulder. He sat back down, gaze quizzical, but Leo was looking at the scarring on his big brother’s shoulder, the lightning bolt of jagged sacrifice in his plastron, and the healed puncture of his carapace. Leo still dreamed about that, too. About how would’ve lost an eye, or even his head, if Raph hadn’t interfered. But then… if Raph had been hit just a few inches to the right… or even down, he wouldn’t be here now. They were so fortunate at every turn, and yet the most unfortunate mutant turtles on planet earth.

How could Raph ever… forgive Leo for being such a massive dummy?

“Leo, look at me.” Raph’s command is as soft as it is practiced. After all, Raph had been snagging their attention with simple firm words since they were four, five, and six. So Leo obeyed, though he had a hard time keeping eye contact.

Raph’s right eye would never be the same. He’s pretty sure they all know it, but it’ll always have some vision failure after ripping something from it. It was hard not to let that guilt overwhelm him, in the moment. But Raph wasn’t swayed. “Don’t look at those scars and see failure.”

“But…”

“Nuh-uh, no buts. I mean it. I would do it again if it kept you from injury, or worse. And I know you’d do the same for any of us.” Raph’s tone dropped to something wounded and sad as his hand once again found Leo’s shell, this time doing a comforting sweep down and back up. “You did do the same.”

Leo felt his throat closing. He didn’t know what to say or where to start; there was so much in his head. And yet, out of all the words and junk piling high and rattling around inside him, he found himself saying, “I shouldn’t have picked at you that day.”

Raph snorted a confused, almost nervous laugh. “Uh, okay? Can ya be more specific for me?”

“I tried to pick a fight with you a while back. I always try to pick a fight. I needed… to get it all out and I picked on you to do it. Casey was right about me having that habit, and I hated that he was. I hated it even more that he made you smile when I haven’t been able to do that in so long. And I know that’s because I was being an asshat, and I know I made things harder for you.”

Raph put up a hand. “Whoa, Leo —“

But now that he’d started, he can’t stop. “No I did. I made everything so hard for you; for them. I made a fool of myself because the newfound title and responsibility of a leader scared me. It scared me and I just wanted you to do it because you always have. I could rely on you and just help out. Being in charge was never my end goal. I’m the annoying backseat driver, not the pilot.” Newfound tears sprang to his eyes and wow, he thought he’d be dried out by now. His voice came out warbled and tight. “I won’t run away anymore. But I’m sorry for always picking a fight. I’m sorry for being such a damn nuisance. I’m —”

Raph tugged Leo right into his chest and wrapped his arms fully around him, large hands spreading across the sides of his shell like he was trying to hold him together. His breathing was messy and hitched and Leo found himself barely holding back from another obnoxious breakdown, too, as he wrapped his arms around his big brother’s neck.

“I forgive you, Leo. I forgave you a while ago. I would rather you pestered me every second of every day than me never getting to hear your voice again.” Raph mumbled wetly. “And you don’t have to do a single thing alone. I’m always here to help ya.”

Leo sniffled. “Raph…”

“I mean it, about yesterday. I shouldn’t have… we shouldn’t have pushed that hard. I hated seeing you like that.”

Leo pressed his cheek against Raph’s broad shoulder, clinging to him and using the fact that they couldn’t see one another’s faces to stay brave. “Like what? Which part?”

“Your anger.” Raph replied quietly. “Your panic. And… that disregard for yourself. None of us have ever… we’ve never seen you like that before.”

“Oh.”

There wasn’t much else Leo could think of to say. He himself was still trying to grapple with the mess that had been the last several months, much less the last 48 hours. But, as he leaned his weight into his big brother, he felt brave enough to start thinking about them.

After a few more moments, Raph cleared his throat. “I won’t push you like that again unless you’re ready. I promise.”

“I know, big guy.”

“And… I want you to know that, I do want to help you carry whatever burdens ya might have. You don’t have to do any of this alone, not ever. I know we keep tellin’ you but you’re stubborn.”

Leo laughed softly at that, holding just a little tighter. “Yeah, I guess I am.” Then, with a gentle pat he murmured, “Thanks, for always being there, Raphie.”

Raph rumbled, the sound deep and comforting, giving him a final gentle squeeze before letting him go and giving him some room. Leo wouldn’t admit it out loud – at least not right now – but he almost wanted to forget everything else and go back to being held by the person who’d always made him feel safe. Ever since he was a tiny kid, Raph was who he’d seek out if their father was busy.

Raph, with all his nagging and worrying, his bull-headed impulses, and big hearted nature, had always meant safety to Leo.

The snapper stood and stretched, a small grin tugging at his mouth. “Okay well… with that out of the way… food?”

Leo flashed a smirk and got to his feet with a (mostly) graceful twist of his body. “You betcha.”

He followed behind his big brother with a genuine smile.

Raph was always there when Leo needed him most. And he always would be.

Talking to and spending time with Raph had turned out to be one of the easier hurdles. In fact, everything had been so easily spoken about and understood, Leo felt silly for ever having thought it would be difficult in the first place.

That didn’t make the next person on his list any easier.

He’d offered to go get said person for dinner, but uncertainty was creeping through his veins.

In fact, the closer he came to Donatello’s room, the more he wanted to turn and run and pretend he hadn’t been a complete asshole to him the last several times they’d been around each other one on one. Donnie theoretically should’ve been the easiest; he and Leo had been fixing their problems with little to no words and being in one another’s space time and time again since they were babies.

But this time was different. Leo knew it was different, and he didn’t know how to approach it. Sure, Donnie hadn’t pushed him away that morning, and he’d even requested that Leo continue napping next to him before Leo had to go after Mikey and fix things. But, it wasn’t enough for Leo, in his head. Making things up to Donnie was harder because he knew they had to talk, and that was something both of them struggled with sometimes. Okay, most times.

Leo’s nerves were so frayed he was tempted to skip dinner, go lay down, and try again another day. He’d already cried twice today — not to mention the previous day — and he didn’t know if he could physically or emotionally handle another wave of tears if things got tense between him and Donnie.

Yet, here he was, standing in the space between Donnie’s room and his lab, having long passed the nest of pillows and blankets in the living room where he’d thought he might still be. When he saw the lab door wide open and with all the lights off, he figured Donnie was in his room. Approaching the purple curtain with hesitancy and shaking fingers, Leo contemplated his next move.

His feet felt like they’d grown roots and shot right through the metal and concrete flooring, holding him that one single step before the threshold of his brother’s room.

How did he start? Where did he start? With Mikey it had been easy to start exactly where they both were. With Raph he had to segue a little, but they’d been on a similar wavelength mentally, and it had turned out to be easy, which was a huge relief. But Donnie… what the hell was Leo supposed to say?

“You gonna come in or just stand there, dum dum?”

Leo jumped a little at the sound of his brother’s voice from the other side of the curtain. It was a little muffled, which told him he was probably laying on his bed. “How did you… know I was here?”

“Your nervous presence.”

“Huh. You paying attention to all that now?”

“Just come in, dummy.”

Leo gulped, took a deep, long breath, and swept the curtain aside. Donnie was laying on his stomach, arms tucked around a pillow and his face half buried in it as he watched him enter with one eye. He didn’t look angry, but that didn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t. Leo swallowed. “Heh… Still tired?”

“Absolutely exhausted, yes.” Donnie mumbled, not moving a single inch. “I bet you are, too.”

He was, but that wasn’t really why he was here. “I figured… we should… you know?”

Donnie’s sharpied brow raised. “No, I do not.”

“Well! I mean! The stuff that went down and how I think maybe… you… I should… unless you’re too tired or –”

“Nardo, when you ramble like this, it comes across as lying or guilt.”

“... It’s the latter.”

“Okay. Guilt.” Donnie rolled his eye and shifted over on his bed, lazily patting the edge of the mattress. “Sit.”

Leo did, albeit tenderly, and kept his eyes very much not on his brother’s face. They were quiet for so long, Leo figured Donnie might’ve fallen asleep. Maybe he could avoid this topic altogether until later. But then, Donnie sighed softly into his pillow. “Well?”

“Well nothing.” Leo grumbled, fiddling with the fabric of his sweatpants.

“Well something.” Donnie’s voice is more alert now, less sleepy, and Leo found himself unable to speak. He could feel his purple counterpart’s eyes boring into the back of his shell, and it made him curl into himself until he felt a finger poke gently at the bottom curve of his carapace. “Talk to me, Leo. You’re good at that.”

“Pfff, yeah… yeah.”

It’s silent again as Leo tried to find the words to start with. He could start with the simple “sorry I was a major pain in the ass and idiot who got shell rot and stressed you out beyond belief” spiel. And while he meant it, it felt too shallow. Something else had happened between them that he didn’t know how to acknowledge or fix. Thinking back to the day before felt like a million years ago; the crack and pressure of their ninpo and how they’d felt and seen what he’d been trying to hide away. How Donnie had finally come to see him after two weeks of hiding away only for Leo to shove him out emotionally.

Man, I really suck sometimes.

Suddenly, the words coming out of him are, “I never wanted you to feel that pain.”

Immediately he almost wanted to take it back. This wasn’t the way he’d wanted to start this conversation, and yet, it was the only thing he could think to say. Donnie was quiet, and whether it’s because he fell asleep or he’s thinking or he’s looking for a way to respond, Leo doesn’t want to know. In fact, he wanted nothing more than to talk enough that he wouldn’t have to hear whatever Donnie had to say.

“I buried it and kept it to myself because sharing that pain hurt you guys. I never want you guys to be hurt, especially on my account. I pushed it down because I didn’t know how else to address it. And when I saw you researching stuff that one day… I know you said I could talk to you but it just made me want to clam up even more.”

“Why?”

“Because! Because… I don’t know. Because I’m a huge idiot, I guess.”

“Could you say that a couple hundred more times for me? I’ll record all of them, too.”

Leo smiled a little and turned to look at the softshell. Donnie was already watching him, holding eye contact for exactly five seconds before training on Leo’s thigh. His next statement came out so small, bitter, and sad, Leo nearly winced. “I hate that you wanted to die.”

“I don’t… I didn’t. Not… I mean… it’s hard to explain –”

“Depression is a nasty thing, Leo.” Donnie nearly whispered. “It makes people think things they normally wouldn’t. PTSD and Depression go hand in hand pretty often, and you already struggled with the latter before the former came to be.”

Leo stared at the mattress. “So…?”

“Tell me you didn’t mean it.”

“I didn’t.”

“No.” Donnie looked up at him again, this time his eyes blazing with determination and a flash of anger. “No, I want you to mean it. Don’t say it just because it’s easy, or just because I asked. I want you to mean it.”

And Leo, for all of his common sense, didn’t know how to do what he wanted. “I don’t want to die, Donnie. I swear I don’t. Maybe… a piece of me felt like that because… a piece of me… sometimes feels like it never left that place. At the time… it hurt and… I… didn’t mean it.”

“You begged for it.”

“Don —”

“No, Leo, you begged for it. But you’re home and they’re gone. The Leo I know and love should’ve been rubbing his survival and the saving of the earth in everyone’s face; Champion of the World or something like that.”

Leo grinned. “You love me?”

“Shut up, I’m not done.” Donnie frowned. “The Leo I know should’ve annoyed me every waking moment with the knowledge that you are alive! The Leo I know would’ve gloated about his victory and made a stupid T-shirt over it. But even with all your fronting, I felt that change in you. You became quieter. You became reserved and jumpy and it made you… it…”

Leo didn’t know what to say as he saw his brother get more and more upset. So instead, he shifted his weight, turned around, and settled his stomach over Donnie’s shell, dropping just enough of his weight for it to hopefully feel comforting. There are exactly three seconds where a quiet hiss is whistling from Donnie’s mouth before it turns to a reluctant purr.

Nice. This trick still works.

“Listen to me, Dee.” Leo whispered. “I’m an idiot. That’s just the facts. I knew the call I made was last minute and sloppy. I knew what could happen and what would’ve happened. But I did it anyway, to save you guys and our home.” He folded his arms over each other, resting them against the top curve of Donnie’s shell and plopping his chin down into them. “It’s not easy to come back from something like that.”

“I never said it was.” Donnie replied, tone soft once more. “I just wanted to help. I wanted to fix it… for all of us.”

Leo hummed and allowed more of his body weight to ease down onto Donnie’s shell. He felt him relax further; a good sign. When they were both efficiently comfortable and snuggled, Leo spoke again. “You can’t fix everything, Donnie.”

His twin sighed. “I know. And you can’t shoulder everything else alone, either. It’s very uncharismatic of you.”

“Shut up, everyone loves a martyr in their heroes.” He half-teased.

“In storybooks, maybe. But they also elicit sadness in the reader. You should know; you’ve read your comics a thousand times probably, and several of those times you’ve been emotional over the sacrifices the characters have made.”

Leo shifted, a surge of uncomfortable self reflection rearing its head. “That’s different.”

“Yeah, it is,” Donnie mumbled. “They aren't real. But you are. You’re not just a hero, idiot.” His next words are almost incoherent and inaudible. “You’re my brother.”

Leo winced. Then, with a gentle sigh, he moved one arm down and placed his hand over Donnie’s forearm. He gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Don. I mean it; I’m sorry.”

He grumbled into his pillow some more, but Leo felt the flex of muscle under his palm in response to the squeeze. Leo laid there and closed his eyes, subconsciously seeking out his brother’s energy as he felt sleepiness threaten to pull him into the nap realm.

He was shocked at how Donnie’s vibrant purple streams of glitch and code almost seemed to flinch away from his reach.

Suddenly, Donnie sat up, dumping Leo from his back and onto the bed. Leo squawked, limbs flailing as he fell on his back. “Hey!”

Donnie looked at him wide eyed. “Sorry you… surprised me.”

“More like scared you. What kind of reaction —”

“Your Ninpo. I wasn’t prepared.”

“Okay?”

“You reached out first.”

Leo could sense where this was going. Groaning, he flopped fully onto his back, arms splayed out from his sides. “Yeah, yeah, I was closed off before and now I’m reaching out. Weird, right?” He lifted a knee, propping his foot up on the edge of the bed and swaying it from side to side. He kept his eyes on the ceiling. “I'm trying to fix the thing I broke something between us… or something like that.”

A couple beats of silence passed before Donnie said, “You're being freakishly open right now.”

“Well, I messed up big time.”

“Are you sure you aren't brainwashed or possessed right now?”

That pulled a small smile from Leo. “Demon possession is your role, twinnie.”

“Ew, don’t call me that.” And while the words themselves were flat, Leo could hear the undertone of fondness. Then, he sounded more serious. “You didn’t break anything that can’t be fixed.”

Leo swallowed, his next question small and uncertain. “Really?”

“Really, really. And that’s two really’s.” The bed dipped and suddenly Donnie is on his back next to Leo, shoving his arm out of the way and joining him in staring at the ceiling. “I’m not mad anymore.”

“No?”

He sighed. “I was, but that’s because your stupid brain told you that you needed to push us away for some reason.”

“And… you don’t… hate me, right?”

A large green hand suddenly smacked him in the face, and he yelped. The hand was persistent, pressing against his cheek and shoving his face to the side, and Leo fought it weakly.

“Idiot. Dummy. Stupid, self-sacrificial mutant. I should bite you.”

“Hey!” Leo spluttered around Donnie’s hand.

“I don’t hate you, Leonardo. I was upset, not hateful.”

“Okay, I get it!”

“I don’t think you do get it, idiot.” Donnie withdrew his hand, but not before giving his cheek another light slap with the back of it. “I swear, for someone as clever as you to be as stupid as this is a feat deserving of the Guinness Book of World Records.”

“Okay! Okay!” Leo rubbed at his cheek, turning his head now to look at his brother with a slight frown. “Geez, no need to be so rough.”

“Incorrect, brethren, you always learn the hard way.” He turned his head too, holding Leo’s gaze. “You're not allowed to do that again. I'm no longer asking. I'm sure Mikey told you something similar, and probably Raph too, if the commotion from the dojo earlier was any indicator. You aren’t allowed to go through this alone anymore.”

“Okay.”

“You keep saying ‘okay’, but I am not sure you're actually letting it sink in.”

“I am.”

Donnie nodded. “Fine.”

They fall into a comfortable silence as they return their gazes to the ceiling. It isn’t until several long minutes have passed that Leo said, “Dinner should be ready soon.”

“Mmhmm.”

“We should go eat.”

“Fine.”

“And you swear you're not mad anymore?”

“I swear.”

“Okay.” Leo smiled. Then, slowly, he took a deep breath and opened his Ninpo once more.

He didn’t reach for anyone, just left it as a beacon that they’d be able to feel. It was a little scary, especially after months of keeping it hidden away, only letting the very surface be felt when necessary.

So when he felt the presence of his brothers reaching back, he closed his eyes and his smile turned wobbly. Their spiritual energies had been there his whole life. He’d know them anywhere, any time, no matter how old they became.

They’d always been there.

And Leo did not wish to run from them for one second longer.

Chapter Text

Recovery was never going to be easy. That was something Donnie had always known on a logical level, and one that he’d even started trying to accept.

But, from his spot on the bed, watching his twin sleep from where he’d passed out after dinner, the choice between easy and hard made him viciously greedy.

He wanted Leo to be himself again. He wanted him to be better and go back to the way he’d always been so that everything could go back to the way it’d been before the invasion.

Sure, okay, minus the Leo being so incredibly, self-destructively reckless and stupid from time to time, part. That was something Donnie was glad to see he’d learned a lesson in. He just wished it had been a lesson learned less painfully.

But Leo never learned in nice, easy ways, so here they were. Doing things the hard way. Donnie hated doing things the hard way. He liked to be efficient, and the last few weeks had been anything but.

His gaze kept flicking between Leo and the projected, purple bits and pieces floating in front of him from where he was propped against the wall on Leo’s left. He was working hard on his newer battle shells – less gray, less creaky and clicky parts, less sharp edges if at all possible – and wondered what the future would look like.

It was strange, to have all of the events of that day dawning on him again, this time through a different lens. There was less immediate panic and worry now and more of a “wow, we actually somehow survived that”, which was followed quickly by twists of nauseous memory and righteous anger. If there was one thing he wished he’d been able to do, it was to kill Kraang Prime for what he’d done. For hurting his family, his home, and for very nearly taking two of his brothers from them. From him.

They’d almost lost Raph. Then they’d almost lost Leo. They all could’ve died; it would’ve been so easy to die that day.

It was so much harder to live, he guessed. Maybe that’s how Leo had felt this whole time.

And their Leo was gone. His Leo was gone. Even though he was here physically, he would never be the same. He could never go back to being that sixteen year old kid with a nonchalant attitude and bright ignorance ahead of him.

It was something Donnie had been in denial about for weeks now, even though he’d done the research. Even though Donnie had fought it kicking and screaming on the inside. The deterioration of Leo’s mind, the shell rot, the horrible things he’d said during recovery, the fight in the dojo, and the resounding absolute breakdown of his twin was enough of a wake up call, in the end. And Donnie could mourn, and he could beg for Leo to be like he was before, but it was never really going to happen. The damage was done. There would always be this thing haunting his other half that was unkillable and untouchable.

He really wished they could’ve finished off that ugly, pink space spam.

Frustrated, he waved away the diagrams and little glowing constructs to check Leo over. He carefully ran a hand over his brother’s shell, still worried it would bend under his touch like it had a few weeks ago, and was relieved that it felt solid. Leo churred in his sleep under the gentle touch and it made Donnie crack an edge of a smile.

His gaze caught the healed crack at the upper lip of Leo’s carapace and followed the spider web pattern down toward the center of its gray-blue surface. The sight of it sent a pang through Donnie’s chest, his own free hand reaching up toward his own shell and grazing over its edge just past his shoulder. Sometimes he could still feel those alien tentacles as they burrowed into the leathery surface stretched protectively over his back, syncing biologically with his body and nerves and thoughts.

Donnie shuddered, pressing harder into the wall at the thought.

They all bore scars. None of them could truly be who they were before; he knew that. They all just needed time.

So Donnie took a deep breath and continued to work and brainstorm. He researched from his laptop on ways to help them all recover and sent them to Mikey, Raph, April, and CJ. His father didn’t really understand how to use a computer so he’d go over it with him later. And, last but not least, he sent copies of the links, as well as blueprints of his battle shell designs, to Leo’s email before turning in for the night.

It took a while to fall asleep, but he didn’t mind. He kept his eyes closed, listening to Leo’s light, deep breathing and was grateful. He pressed the back of his hand to Leo’s arm and anchored his thoughts to the slight warmth of his brother, alive and healing, and was so grateful.

He hoped he’d never lose any of them ever again.

He’d be here to keep them from getting lost.

The following day was astoundingly quiet. Leo woke Donnie up around noon, insisting he eat breakfast or lunch since he’d slept so late, but Donnie was focused on how there was a faraway look in Leo’s eyes. Donnie sat up and grabbed his wrist before he could walk away.

“What’s up?” Leo asked, all small gentle smiles and fake cheer.

“No bottling. Talk.” Donnie demanded, giving his wrist a squeeze and adding, “Please.”

Leo sighed, the fake, tired smile melting away. “Bad dreams, I guess.”

“You guess?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Leo said, a touch more grouchy.

Ah. Okay. Donnie let go of his wrist with a nod. “That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. But I am here if you need to get it out.”

Leo nodded, already tucking his hands behind his back and staring down at his feet. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay, really.”

“I’m trying.” He said quietly, a flash of embarrassment and shame crossing his face.

Donnie knew. Reaching out, he tapped a fist against Leo’s shoulder. “No rush, brother dearest. Just don’t forget we are here, okay?”

Leo shuffled in place. “Okay.”

“Did you eat?”

“Yes.”

“How do you feel?”

“Gross.” Leo said, seemingly without much thought if the little wince afterward told him anything. He tried to correct himself. “Fine.”

“Gross, got it.” Donnie nodded. “Come on, let’s go to my lab.”

This time Leo’s eyes narrowed in a way that was all too familiar. “To do what? You need to eat first.”

Donnie was already walking past, sliding his tech gauntlet on. “I’ll eat when I’m a little more awake. Did you get my email?”

Leo sighed dramatically, trailing behind him. “Email? Donnie, what are you, a grandma? No one checks emails anymore.”

“That's a straight up lie, Leo. Everyone needs an email nowadays, and checking them is still important. Don’t be an idiot.”

Leo softly kicked the side of Donnie’s ankle as he went to step forward, tripping him a little. Luckily, Donnie was used to his antics and adjusted his steps quickly, shooting a glare over his shoulder.

“Oldie.” Leo pouted.

“So you didn’t check your email?”

His pout deepened and he crossed his arms as the lab door hissed open. “Yeah, I did.”

The lights in the lab flicked on, illuminating the space in clean white light, still with those purple and blue LED’s lining the room. Donnie sat in front of his computer and turned it on, hooking an ankle around the extra chair and wheeling it in front of him. “Sit.”

Leo did, still half pouting and crossing one leg over the other. He continued to sit there and not say anything while Donnie booted up his systems and pulled up larger versions of the files he’d sent to his brother the night before.

“I want your opinion.” He stated, keeping it simple and to the point.

Leo raised a brow, the crossed leg shifting from side to side. “My opinion on what? The good ol’ ‘don’t hate yourself, try therapy’ links, or the ‘I’m afraid of triggering you again’ blueprints?”

Donnie paused, turning slowly back toward his brother with surprise. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

“Hey, it’s your bed. Maybe that’s why you’re always so touchy.” Leo tried for levity but it came out too sour to work.

He felt his eyes narrow now, deciding to mirror Leo’s posture and expression with slow, dramatic emphasis. “This is what you look like right now.”

Leo’s frown deepened. “I do not.”

“You do.” Donnie sighed and softened the look on his face. “We don’t have to do this right now. I don’t really want to do this either. But I will do anything if it helps your recovery. I will do anything if it helps any of you. It’s what I do. And I know you hate asking for help, you always have.”

Leo wouldn’t look at him now, a mix again of shame and embarrassment threaded with frustration.

Donnie rolled his chair closer until their knees touched. Leo glanced down at their legs, arms wound tightly around his center, and looked hesitant. Donnie kept his tone cool because he knew this was hard for both of them. “You know me. I’m not one for fixing feelings or for addressing emotional issues. We are the same in that category in some ways. But I also know you, and you will dig a hole for yourself so deep that it can be hard to pull you back out. You’re so smart, Leo, I wish you’d stop doing things that are so logically dumb.”

For a second, Donnie worried he’d used entirely the wrong words because Leo rolled his eyes before closing them and tipping his head into the back of the chair. Donnie didn’t move, waiting for Leo to push him away or stand up and leave. He even held his breath.

But, after a few moments, Leo released one long, drawn out sigh through his nose, the arms around his middle loosening. “I hate this.”

“I know.”

“Yesterday felt so much easier.”

“I get that.”

“I just wish it hadn’t happened.”

And Donnie couldn’t help the dry puff of laughter. “You and me and all the rest of us. We all hate this. But we are here.” He gently reached out and took one of Leo’s hands, still waiting to be rejected and relieved when he wasn’t. “You’re here.”

Leo opened his eyes and looked at Donnie, squeezing his hand. “I am.”

“You are.”

The small, genuine smile from Leo felt like the biggest victory in Donnie’s heart. “Can… we do this later?”

“Yes.”

“Okay.”

“What do you want to do?”

The question seemed to catch him off guard. “Me?”

“Is there another Leonardo Hamato around here?” Donnie teased flatly, smirking.

Leo huffed a laugh. “I… don’t know.” He even looked a bit sheepish. “I haven’t… thought about that in a while.”

Donnie squeezed his hand twice. “How about you sit here and think about it. Maybe make a list. Let me know when you’ve figured out what you want to do today.”

“And then you’ll eat?”

“And then I’ll eat, yes, don’t worry. I’ll be hungry by then.”

“Alright.”

So they sat for a while, Leo with his eyes closed while Donnie turned back toward his desk and continued his work, playing one of Leo’s favorite soft playlists on low volume in the background. It was a lot of Taylor Swift and Freddy Mercury ballads mixed with show tunes and movie OST’s. It was so Leo. Something about it made Donnie really emotional, and he had to blink back tears and try to refocus on his work.

A foot pressed into his thigh. “You okay, hermano?”

“Yeah,” he replied, just a tad rough. Clearing his throat he reiterated. “Yeah.”

“You sure?”

And he was. Because Leo wasn’t gone forever. He was right next to him, right here, listening to his ridiculous music and talking to him. “I’m sure.”

“Okay.”

“And you? Have you thought of something?”

Leo smiled. “Actually… I think I have.”

Everyone was sort of hesitant to go back to any kind of beach. The last time they’d been there it had been to pull Leo from the water when he’d almost drowned and then, subsequently, almost died from shell rot.

But it was what Leo wanted, and Donnie was not about to deny him something if he thought it would make him feel a little more like himself. The only ground rule was that he could not swim. Not yet. He still needed a little more time away from soaking in water for anyone to be comfortable, and it was unspoken but known that they didn’t quite trust Leo to listen to them anyway.

Leo had played up being offended, saying he wasn’t trying to do that a second time because, in his words, “that hurt like a bitch”. Raph and Splinter had yelled at him for his language, Mikey had rolled his eyes, and April looked like she couldn’t decide if she was three seconds from yelling or laughing.

CJ just looked fondly at Leo and Donnie knew he was seeing someone else. It made the softshell shake his head; a Leo was gonna Leo no matter their age, it seemed.

They waited until the weekend, needing to get supplies for both the trip, the house, the med-bay, and the tank. Leo was impatient as ever, and he still couldn’t sleep alone, but at least he was making an effort to be more honest.

In fact, Leo snapped hard at their dad two days before the trip, and it had shocked everyone, including Leo.

Their father had been asking if he needed anything, and Leo had already been in a foul mood the entire day from lack of sleep and a rough day in physical therapy for his leg. He’d turned his head and said, “Since when do you care what we need?!”

The room felt like it had frozen solid, the air instantly tense, and Leo’s eyes had gone wide. Before Splinter could say anything, Leo was apologizing.

“Dad, I’m sorry, I… I’m sorry I didn’t… that was… I…”

Splinter had merely shaken his head and reached up for his son’s hand. Leo had sunk down to the floor without a word, head bowed low and face hidden from the rest of them. Splinter ran his free hand over Leo’s head and shushed whatever small things his son was still saying.

“No, you’re right, my son. I understand your frustration and your disappointment in me. Your brothers have made that clear to me, already. I want to be better for you. Will you let me?”

And Leo had curled over him for a long time. Everyone moved to give them space. It was hard. But Leo was trying; they all were.

Donnie kept a close eye on all of them. He helped Mikey with his hands and decided to work directly with Draxum to help him heal properly from the overuse of his powers. Raph and CJ were bonding really well, and April took a few days to stay home and see her parents now that she knew Leo was safe and didn’t need constant monitoring.

The day of the trip arrived and Donnie was doing a once over on Raph’s eye, feeling overwhelmingly tired the entire night and into the early hours. Raph was giving him that knowing look, like he wanted to point out that he hadn’t slept, but Donnie had ended the discussion before it could even begin with a ‘don’t even go there’ look.

That is, until Leo had breezed into the room, wearing a soft blue button up with white flowers, a pair of swim shorts in white with blue vertical stripes on the sides, and feet in a pair of blue flip flops. He had a straw hat on and a pair of aviator sunglasses hooked into the collar of his shirt. He was smiling. Donnie felt relief and joy deep in his bones, seeing Leo bright like that.

“Almost ready, brochachos? I wanna get some sun and… uhhhh, Dee?”

The joy faded a little. “What?”

“Low on blood sugar?”

He glanced at his hands and noticed the shake from where he was trying to open the eye dropper. “Oh.”

“Oh.” Leo mocked in an obnoxious voice. Then, in his normal one, said, “Go eat something, I’ll take care of Raphie.”

“You sure?”

And suddenly, seemingly filling the space between where their eyes met, was the conversation they’d had weeks ago. Leo saying Donnie could replace him as the medic. Donnie insisting he wasn’t replaceable. Leo saying it was a joke when Donnie could feel it was dangerously close to an inner truth. A piece of the puzzle that was Leo’s still broken mind, at the time.

Leo gave one of those honest, gentle smiles, a way of saying ‘I know, I was an idiot, please forgive me and let me help’. And the next word from him was full of open honesty. “Positive.”

So Donnie had left them alone and hoped for the best.

The trip to the beach went surprisingly smooth.

Leo sunbathed on the shore, letting the water touch only the bottom half of his legs as he closed his eyes and soaked in the light. Donnie sat under an umbrella, watching his twin with a sort of distant awe and uncertainty.

“What’s up, Dee?” April had asked, startling him from his thoughts as she sat on the towel beside him.

And he wasn’t sure what to say other than, “I can’t believe he’s here, sometimes.”

She bumped his shoulder in understanding. “Yeah.”

Swallowing thickly, he quietly asked the thing that made him the most afraid. “Do you think this turnaround from him is temporary? Or do you think he’ll actually try to get better?”

April had turned her gaze to Leo then, too. After a few moments, she took Donnie’s hand and squeezed. “Hard to say. But, there’s one thing I know for sure.”

“What’s that?”

She flashed him a warm smile and pulled out her phone, snapping a picture of Leo and saving it before adding a bunch of silly stickers and a funny caption and sending it to the entire family. “If he stumbles, he will always have us to catch him.”

Leo watched the water for a long time; the rise and fall and reach and pull of the waves. He let the sounds of it drown out every other nasty thought and, after a while, let the sounds of his family tune out, too. He closed his eyes, paying attention to what he felt.

The cool water lapping around his ankles, the sand shifting around his heels and ankles as he sat there, slowly burying them with each stretch of water. The warmth of the sun, welcomed and so damn appreciated after being cooped up for weeks underneath a plain heat lamp. The warm, early fall air offered a little chill from the heat of the sun. It was a balanced thing, the digging of his fingers into the dry sand while the wet sand played around his legs.

It was real.

It was grounding.

It made him feel so very foolish for the last several months.

It was a little weird to look back over them. To see himself from an outside perspective and know exactly why he’d done what he’d done, and also not understand it at all. He’d been afraid of taking charge of the team so he’d been reckless and not nearly as tactful. Then he’d thrown himself blindly toward saving Raph instead of thinking things through. And when he’d finally accepted the leadership role… well, he’d sort of expected to die when things went south and left him with precious few options.

Sure, everyone could say Leo had been brave all they wanted. They could say he was just a kid and being afraid of dying was okay. But Leo knew the truth of it, deep down. It made him sick and made him scared in a different way. He hadn’t just done it to save his family; he’d done it for some weird form of atonement for making one single — albeit world ending — mistake.

He high-key hated that about himself. Leo was known for being all-or-nothing in a way that was always too much. Like Donnie, but a different flavor. Like their father, but eerie in its depth. He ran away or froze when faced with hardship, and the one time he’d faced down the thing that could easily destroy him, he’d somehow survived it even though a small, ugly part of him hadn’t wanted to.

Another wave touched his ankles and he breathed in the salty air and tried to keep his heart from rabbiting out of his chest. He wouldn’t freak out. He wanted to be here. This was what he’d asked for and his family was having a good time. Leo was having a good time, in several ways, and he didn’t want his stupid mind to ruin that again.

The sound of someone shuffling up beside him made him open his eyes, slow and sleepy, to see who it was. “Miguel.”

“Leo.” He plopped down beside him and stuck his feet directly into the wet sand with a slight giggle. “That feels weird.”

“Mmm.”

They were quiet for a while, both seemingly content to just sit together. Then, Mikey asked, “What are you thinking right now?”

“... I’m trying not to think about anything.” It was a quiet honesty, something he was still trying to work on offering when asked more loaded questions.

“Any success?”

“A little.”

“Oh. Well… can I tell you what I’m thinking about?”

Leo tipped his head toward his little brother now. “Sure.”

“I’m thinking about how annoying it is that my hands are itching like crazy from that weird mystic medicine stuff Barry is making me use. But I’m also thinking about how grateful I am for it.”

“Grateful?” Leo prompted.

“Yeah. Because my hands did what I wanted them to do.” And Mikey looked at him with that constant, open honesty that he’d had his entire life. “They brought you home to us.”

Leo swallowed thickly, a lump forming fast in his throat. “That’s… hah… yeah. I’m grateful, too.”

“Can I hug you?”

Dammit this kid was dead set on making him cry. His voice came out wobbly. “Come on, big man, you’re gonna make me emotional.”

“That’s okay. I won’t tell anyone.”

Leo opened an arm and Mikey immediately slotted himself into Leo’s side, wrapping around his middle with both arms and tucking his head under Leo’s chin. Leo hummed, still trying to swallow the mass in his throat and running his fingers over Mikey’s shell. Then, gently, over the almost healed bruise on his face and the scratches and bruises on his arms. There was almost no physical evidence left of their fight, and something about that was both a relief and a horrible stab to his gut.

“You didn’t mean it.” Mikey mumbled quietly into Leo’s plastron.

Leo hugged him tight. “I’m sorry.”

“I know. Me too.”

“I deserved it.”

Mikey hugged him impossibly tighter, closer. “No, you didn’t.”

“But –”

“No. You didn’t deserve it. None of it. I’m sorry, too.” Mikey lifted his head, loosening his grip just enough to make sure Leo heard his next words clearly. “I’ll keep telling you that until you believe it.”

Leo sniffed, eyes lined with tears, and smiled, gazing far over the water. “Thanks, Mike.”

“Always.”

Eventually, they released each other and Mikey got up, offering to get them something to drink. Leo had said he’d take something but wasn’t specific when Mikey left. He felt like he couldn’t move an inch. He was anchored here, drawn to the water, thinking about the way he and Donnie used to have their breath holding contests and how they were always the two needing to be pried from the tub as children.

It wasn’t a surprise that a different brother came up beside him this time. As if his own thoughts had summoned him to his side.

“Tello.”

No quirky response. Just his twin sitting down and offering him a blue sports drink. Leo cracked it open and sipped at it, still looking out at the water and watching the sun start to sink lower as the hours crept on.

“You should probably get a little shade.” He said, all matter of fact.

“The water feels nice.” Leo edged.

Donnie stretched his legs out, just slightly longer than Leo’s, letting the waves lap over both of them. A small shiver ran up his brother’s body, the edges of their matching straw hats bumping slightly when he tried to scoot that little bit closer.

“Don’t want you to get a heat stroke or anything.” Donnie mumbled, just on the wrong side of deadpan.

Leo set down his drink and leaned back on his hands. “I won’t.”

The air still sat heavy between them and Leo knew it would take more than just his words to convince Donnie. Especially after recent events. He’d done this to them. Leo hurt them and he had to fix it, somehow. And… yeah, he guessed he had been sitting here for a while.

“Compromise?” Leo offered. Donnie’s head swiveled, meeting his eyes with a bit of skepticism. “Bring your giant ass umbrella over here and sit with me?”

The line of tension in his brother’s shoulders loosened. “I think that can be arranged.”

He got up and walked away. Leo drank half his sports drink before he came back; he was thirstier than he thought. And when Donnie returned, it was with Raph, who carried the umbrella over and ran it deep into the sand, adjusting it so the shade fell over Leo just right. He smiled from around the edge of the wide green fabric at Leo, and Leo tipped the straw hat off his head and smiled back.

Raph ambled off after that, still with that small smile on his face.

Donnie sat with him, and they both dug their feet into the wet sand, both content to just sit near one another and not say a word. Leo could feel that Donnie was thinking, and Donnie could probably feel that Leo’s mind was wandering up and down, dipping in and out of shadow, but they remained silent. It was comfortable. It was enough for them, right now.

The sun dipped low, casting the water in those familiar, cozy shades of pink, yellow, and dark green. Leo remembered being out here alone, the sting in his shell, the horrible dark static in his head, and felt the shadow falling over his memory.

Donnie reached across the gap between them and took Leo’s hand, pulling his mind back to the present. “You’re right here.”

He closed his hand around his twin’s. “I am.”

“Tell me what you see.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s simple data gathering. Something you can see, then touch, then smell, then hear.”

Leo thought, hand still in Donnie’s. “Is this a gimmick?”

“Humor me.”

“Mmm.. alright. I see the ocean. The sun setting. The city skyline.”

“Next.”

“Well, that one is easy.” Leo lifted their still joined hands with a half grin. “I feel your hand. I also feel the water and the sand.”

Donnie nodded. “Smell?”

“Salty air. And a little bit of Raph’s excitement stink.”

A crack of a smile from his brother. “Excellent. Last one. What do you hear?”

“The waves. You. The very distant sound of traffic.” He closed his eyes. “I hear Raph and Mikey bickering about food, and April laughing at them. Also Dad’s little crank radio.”

“Good.”

“Data collection, huh?” Leo squeezed Donnie’s hand but didn’t let go. “Why did you want those?”

“You’ve been a little faraway today.” He said simply, a little wary. “I just wanted to be sure… you could still be here, too.”

And Leo understood. He did. He was aware that he’d been floating so far away from everyone mentally all day. But he was still glad to be here, in the sun, feeling something that wasn’t a hospital bed and hearing only the hum and hiss of electricity and running water.

So he counted more things in his head, listing items multiple times while adding new ones. It wasn’t until the water felt too cold for him and he drew his legs back that he finally said, “Will you let me look at your battle shell blueprints when we get home?”

A split second of hesitation and processing from Donnie. “You sure?”

“Yeah.” Leo made a rhythm of squeezing his twin’s hand, the two repeating it back and forth until understanding lit up Donnie’s face.

The genius rolled his eyes and smiled, just the right side of fondly exasperated. “Okay, dum dum.”

He repeated the pattern back to Leo with clear intent.

I love you, too.

Chapter Text

April didn’t know how to approach Leo. For the first time since meeting the four brothers, and for the first time with Leo in particular, she didn’t know what to say.

Leo had never been hard for her to talk to. If anything, he was easy in so many ways because he always made her laugh and he was surprisingly good at listening when she needed it. All the brothers were sweet to her; all of them were supportive. But Leo was a sort of safety net that was different from the other three.

They had what they called “Girls Night” once in a while, and it’s where they’d do skincare and paint nails and talk recent gossip. It was their vent session, the slow pressure release of their individual lives in the comfort of one another’s familiarity. It was a way to smooth themselves out and it worked because they knew each other so well.

So it felt wrong to look at Leo and feel like she was seeing a stranger. All the things she thought she’d known about him, all the things that make him tick and run and laugh, she thought she’d known them down to a tee. The incident in the dojo proved she didn’t. Hell, even the weeks prior to that, when he’d been seeking some kind of coping mechanism only to make himself sick and then say such horrible things, not knowing they’d all heard. Even then… especially then. It struck her how much she might not know him.

It was enough to drive her mad.

It was enough to break her heart.

She didn’t stick around the lair much after their beach day. April needed some space to think and process and cry in peace because she felt so guilty. At her core, she knew she hadn’t done anything to feel guilty about, but it didn’t stop her from feeling it anyway. It was the snowball effect of her thoughts and nightmares in full motion, and she didn’t know how to bring it up.

Hypocritical, probably. She was so gung-ho about helping and fixing everyone else, she’d sorta forgotten about herself.

So there was a poetic irony to her current situation, which was Leo texting her on a Thursday night.

💙> Girls Night?
💛> when?
💙> tonight, if ur free

Was she? She supposed… but also she was a little afraid. How silly, to be any kind of afraid facing any of her friends that she’d saved the world with twice over. Silly to think that Leo would ever be anything but gracious and light toward her, like he’d always been.

But things were different now. It scared her.

💛> I don’t know, Lee. I have homework
💙> I know that’s a lie
💛> u don’t know shit
💙> i know everything. Also our dearest Donatello told me ur classes are canceled until spring
💛> that SNITCH
💙> so what, don’t wanna see me?

Okay, ouch. That’s an unfair tactic… mostly because it was so direct in its approach. No hedging jokes or easy letting go this time.

💛> that’s not it
💙> if it is I get it
💛> don’t you dare start that spiral of thought. I know you
💙> then what’s the issue? It’s not like u to lie

She didn’t know how to answer that. The truth was too large and too small, all at once.

💛> Okay maybe i’m just a little… not sure what to say
💙> to me?
💛> to anyone
💙> ah… yeah, i get that
💛> i’m sorry. I do want to see you, i promise
💙> it’s okay. We can do it another time if you want.

And something in her is now suddenly desperate to see her Leo. The Leo who made her laugh and got her to talk so easily and made her feel understood no matter the situation. To see him and talk and get a chance to fix whatever awkward thing had put a wedge between her mouth and heart when it came to speaking with him lately.

💛> no I think. Maybe that’s what i need, ya know?
💙> … are u sure?
💛> yes. But can we do tomorrow night instead? I need to clean my apartment
💙> sure. See you then?
💛> it’s a date, bb blue

She set her phone down and looked around her apartment from her perch on the couch.

CJ hadn’t got back to her yet about staying with her and her parents, but he had at least come to visit a couple of times. One of his newly acquired sweaters was draped across a chair in the dining room where he’d forgotten it, and there were an extra pair of sneakers by the door. Not a big deal. However, there were several piles of their collective fast food trash on most of the flat surfaces across the main areas of the house and definitely in her room.

Her mom had been too busy to clean, working long hours at the hospital even this many months after the invasion. And her dad had been stuck in another state for a while because the New York airport had been half destroyed in all the chaos, but he would be home in the next month or so after he finished some work he took up while waiting to come home.

Then there was April, who had been so heavily preoccupied with Leo and the others… well, she hadn’t cleaned much either…

Living alone had its perks, but cleaning was definitely not one of them.

April spent the rest of her afternoon picking up laundry and sorting it for cleaning, sweeping, mopping, dusting, taking out trash, and washing her few measly dishes while listening to her favorite podcasts. She let her body go on autopilot so she wouldn’t have to think so hard about Leo’s visit.

The guilt continued to eat her alive, a slow, prodding thing in the back of her mind the rest of the day and all through the night and the next day.

Friday rolled around and she couldn’t believe that she was nervous. She’d never been nervous around any of them. But it was true what she said the day before and it was that she didn’t know what to say.

Right as she was trying to decide what to have for dinner – her mom would be pulling an all nighter again so she’d left April money for food even though she was a little too anxious to choose anything – a blue portal opened in her apartment, pulling a surprised squeak from her.

“Your world champion has arrived!” Leo crowed as he slid through it, a duffel bag over his shoulder and a crooked smile on his face.

“Leo, you’re not supposed to be using your portals right now!”

Leo rolled his eyes, setting his singular katana against the wall. “Pshhh, it’s fine. Besides, this wasn’t that far.”

April scowled at him, seeing how he was just slightly breathless, how he pointedly avoided her Big Sister glare as he set his stuff on the couch beside her. He must’ve left the other blade in his room – or maybe Donnie’s – in case he needed a quick escape. From her, probably, if tonight went bad.

Yikes.

Out loud she said, “I’m unconvinced.”

“You and everyone else.” Leo replied, just a bit too sharp. He immediately redirected, tone lighter. “What’s for dinner?”

“Dunno. Anything you want?”

Leo looked at her then, and she knew that even with the casual expression on his face, he was observing her, cataloging anything that might make her upset or that she may already be upset about. He was good at hiding it but April knew what to look for now. It was such a practiced look, a perfectly honed shield against anything that might actually strike true by already playing several steps ahead to keep people off his tail.

April raised a brow. Leo cleared his throat. “I’m down for anything.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. I’ll order us some deli sandwiches from that place down the street.”

Leo nodded, flopping down to sit on the floor and pressing the back of his shell into the couch. “Fine by me.”

April ordered on her phone, glancing at Leo every once in a while. He was so quiet. Way quieter than she’d ever seen him. He’d been like that for weeks now. Months, even. Like he was somewhere else entirely, eyes staring into a middle distance she couldn’t see or understand.

“Leo?”

He tipped his head back and to the side, meeting her gaze with a small smile. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

Something shuttered in his expression and he sighed, closing his eyes. “Everyone keeps asking.”

“And?”

He dropped his head forward, plopping his cheek onto his knees now. “I don’t know how to answer. I don’t want to.”

“Ah… okay.”

“It’s nothing personal.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think you do.” He scrunched up tighter, arms hugging his legs to his chest as if he could make himself smaller. “You haven’t really talked to me in weeks. And the others… feels sorta similar, I guess. It’s like everyone is afraid of me.”

April fiddled with the hem of her shirt. “Well… you scared us, handsome.”

Leo didn’t respond, looking like he also wasn’t sure he wanted to stay. A horrible flash of guilt and regret made itself known in the line of his shoulders and the slight twist of his mouth, eyes looking at the wall across the room. Beating himself up internally, most likely.

Well, she couldn’t have that. Leaning forward, she settled her palm on his shoulder, feeling the slight flinch under her fingers and how it echoed with a squeeze in her heart. “Hey, it’ll get better. I know… it doesn’t feel like that sometimes. And I know you’re probably tired of hearing it. But, I do mean it. We mean it. All of us are treading new territory right now, and that’s going to take some adjusting.”

He was quiet, still not looking at her, but she could sense that he was listening. So, she added, “I’m sorry I’ve been distant, Blue. I needed some time to process… everything, really.”

Leo’s exhale was soft and a little wobbly, but he lifted a hand and set it over hers where it still rested on his shoulder. “I know. I’m sorry for being so sensitive.”

“You’re allowed to be sensitive, Lee.”

“Still,” he said, finally and slowly looking up over his shoulder at her. He had a sort of sad, shy expression, one she hasn’t seen on him for years. Something open and honest and vulnerable. “I’m sorry, anyway.”

All the unspoken is there between them, in the ‘sorry’. All their mistakes and meaningful reflection of past events and heartfelt genuineness that made April want to cry.

“Apology accepted. Do you accept mine?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then,” she squeezed his shoulder again and then withdrew. “Now, what did you bring? I have some new nail polishes and face masks, if you want to try any of them.”

Leo brightened a little, the smile less shy and more full. “You know I’d love to.”

“Great! Let me go get them. Make yourself comfy and pick something for us to watch. Our food will be here soon.”

When April returned, Leo had Mama Mia queued up and a brighter smile. Relief washed over her; things would be fine.

Things were not fine.

Not when the bad dreams dragged her under again. Not when she had to watch them die and decay and point bony fingers her way as they crawled toward her. Grabbed her ankles and pulled her down into the muck. For help or retribution, she didn’t know; she never knew.

April wasn’t even aware she’d screamed until she felt hands on her shoulders and then her face.

“Wake up. It’s just a dream. Deep breaths, Apes, you’re okay.”

But she wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. She’s tried to be okay and strong for more than half a year.

The feeling of Karai’s body fading under her fingertips, the wreckage of the old sewer and its atrium, Raph not coming back in his escape pod, Leo closing that stupid portal behind him with the knowledge he wouldn’t be coming back, and the fear she fought to keep down in the soles of her feet. All of it came rushing up out of her with open jaws and sharp teeth.

She opened her eyes, chest heaving and sweat pooling at the back of her neck and along her back. Leo had let go of her face, now rubbing up and down her arms with a horribly sympathetic and understanding look on his face.

The tears came upon her at rapid speed and, realizing this was not a flood she could dam, she began to cry.

Leo looked alarmed but quickly shifted into good friend mode because that’s what he was. What he’d always been and would always be. Her friend. Her little brother, in heart and clan. Someone she’d thought had died only to get him back with a crushed body and spirit.

He was healing. They were all trying to get better. Why couldn’t the dreams just stop?

“April, hey, it was just a dream.” Leo murmured.

As per their hangout usual, he’d been camping out on the floor in a pile of blankets and pillows while April had taken the couch. But now he sat by her hip and gently pulled her into sitting up, swiping a nearby tissue box from the coffee table and setting it in her lap.

It took a while for her to be able to manage any kind of speech. She had to blow her nose and wipe her eyes so many times because the fear and grief kept crashing into her over and over.

“April,” Leo started, worry lining his features. “Not to make any of this about me, but you are lowkey scaring me. What happened? Talk to me.”

“J-just a d-dream.” She hiccuped. “M’fine.”

Leo scoffed gently. “Nah, see, we don’t do that anymore. If Donnie would strangle me for it, I know he would truth serum you for it. No more pretending we’re good.” He runs his hands over her arms again before leaning back a bit and looking at her expectantly.

She gained some semblance of composure only to immediately lose it again when she says, “It was my fault.”

Leo’s brows raise, the curve of his face stripes stretching with them. “What was?”

“You.” And she dropped her face into a hand and barely restrained another body wracking sob. “It was my idea, Leo. I’m sorry.”

He sounded more than a little confused now. “What are you talking about?”

“The portal. The idea to close it. It was my suggestion and… you did it but… I didn’t…” She couldn’t stop crying. “Seeing the shape you all were in… after… and you barely breathing and broken and… it’s my fault.”

He didn’t move or say anything for so long she started to wonder if he was mad. But then he sighed and scooted closer, pulling her into a hug. She clung to him and soaked up the fact that he was here at all.

“Dummy,” he muttered against her bonnet, one hand now smoothing up and down her back as she cried. “No it wasn’t.”

“But… I—”

“It was a brilliant suggestion. It led us to probably the only plan that would’ve worked. We were severely overpowered and…” He trailed off and April pulled back to see Leo visibly working through his own internal thoughts about the whole thing. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let his arms fall away from April only so he could move her legs aside to make room for him.

They ended up sitting side by side, staring into the dark of her apartment and thinking. Processing. April eventually isn’t outright crying anymore and plopped her head onto Leo’s shoulder with a wet sigh. “I dream about it. About my suggestions setting off different chain events. How it gets all of you killed each time. And… how… all the fingers end up pointed at me.”

Leo tipped his head sideways to rest on top of hers. “We would never blame you. I surely don’t.”

“Maybe you should.” She sniffed miserably.

“Never. You’re the smartest person I know — next to Donnie, but he must never know I said that — and if there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s your adaptability. You’re quick to think of new solutions when the time calls for it, but unlike me, you always dive in head first, no matter the danger. You don’t freeze up, you act. You’re damn fearless, April.”

The plain compliment was nearly overwhelming, especially from one of the twins. But she pushed back anyway. “More like reckless.”

Leo puffed a laugh. “Well, then we have that in common. But I mean it; you’re braver than me. You’re not built like us with freaky mutant strength and all that. You’re a human, but that has never made you falter in the face of really extreme dangers. In every big fight we’ve been in, your help has got us through to the end. If you hadn’t been there… man, who knows how things would’ve ended up.”

She turned and hugged him, hard. “What if you’d never come back? What if this time me being there was the reason we never saw you again?”

Leo didn’t move for a moment, and she could hear the way his breathing hitched a little at the thought. But then he hugged her back and said, “Mikey told me to stop focusing so much on the what ifs of everything. It’s way easier said than done, of course, but… I am here. I did make it back. That counts for something… right?”

April smiled against his definitely Raph-sized Jupiter Jim shirt, and hugged him tighter, making him laugh again. “Right. Of course. It counts for everything.”

“Good. Don’t blame yourself, April. It’s… I know I’ve made things really extra difficult for everyone lately, but I’m working on it. It’s not easy, but we’re doing this together, okay?”

“Okay.”

“You can cry some more, if you need or want to.”

She blew her nose into a tissue. “Thanks.”

A pause. Then, “Wanna go back to sleep, or watch some TV?”

“TV, for now. I don’t really want to end up back in the same dream.”

His tone was full of understanding. “Fair enough.”

They watched some gameplay videos until the gray of early dawn filtered through the curtains and April, inevitably, fell back asleep while Leo sat in his little blanket nest on the floor and chuckled quietly to himself.

He doesn’t blame you. She thought with relief as her eyes drifted shut. He’s right; it’ll be okay.

Things went relatively back to normal after that. April felt less awkward around the boys, and she felt like she could start living life again, piece by piece. She applied for the Spring Semester (online only, for now), gathered some of her notes she had before the invasion, and began typing out her theories and data.

Something was definitely going on with the deforestation liquid she’d snagged. Unfortunately, because she’d used all that evidence against the Kraang, she knew she’d have to find another way to get some. If it had an effect on those alien monsters, then it had to be bad for the planet at large. And she wanted to figure out who was actually making it; she wanted to sniff out the source.

She spent days going through her remaining evidence – with Donnie’s help she was able to recover the video on her broken phone – and found herself tucked away in Donnie’s lab with him relatively often. The two of them were deep in their projects, and both had to be dragged out for food on multiple occasions, but neither of them complained or fought the family on it.

Leo was starting to feel more like Leo. He was laughing more often, and while he whined about his physical therapy, at least he was doing it again. The brace had to remain for now, but he wasn’t hobbling nearly as much as he was before, so it was a start. And while everyone pretended hearing Leo crack jokes again was the worst, the smiles on all of their faces spelled out relief and happiness in crystal clear lines.

Even CJ got back to April, telling her he’d like to take her up on the offer to stay with her family until he figured out what he was going to do with his free time. She was thrilled at the response, and even gave him the option to help her do some stealth research on her current project.

The prospect seemed to light him up from the inside, so she took it as a win.

The only one who seemed to be pulling up just a little short on the positivity train, was Raph.

One evening, when April had left the lab to stretch her legs, she heard him roaming about in the kitchen, mumbling to himself.

“Everything okay, big Red?” She asked.

Raph startled, turning toward her and nearly dropping the huge mug of tea in his hands. On the counter beside him was another mug – Leo’s favorite with the blue waves along the ceramic – steaming from being freshly made.

“April!”

She raised a brow. “What’s up?”

“Nothin’!”

Humming in mild disbelief, she pointed toward him and then the other mug. “Not that I find tea making suspicious, but you’ve been extra jittery the last week or so.”

“Raph has not been jittery.”

“You have,” she smiled, going for lightheartedness. “But it’s okay. Maybe the caffeine is not doing you any good.”

Raph’s mouth twisted a little. “Actually… it’s sleepy-time tea. For both of us.”

Ah. Got it. “Gonna take a wild guess and say, nightmares?”

“The usual.”

“Anything I can do to help?”

Raph shook his head and set his mug down, dragging his free hand over his face and back again. “Just… hard to readjust this time.”

Yeah, no kidding. “Compared to?”

He gestured vaguely with a twist of his hand and a slight wave of the arm. “I dunno. Everything? Draxum, Big Mama, all the other mutants… just didn’t feel life threatening, ya know? But Shredder? The… the Kraang.”

April crossed the room and leaned against the counter beside him. “Yeah, I get that.”

“You… you don’t think Raph still has some of that in him… right?” The question was hesitant and full of quiet fear.

Her eyes widened. “What? No. Honey, no, not at all.”

He visibly sagged with relief. “That’s good to hear.”

“Why ask something like that?”

Raph looked between the two steaming mugs of tea like he could find his answers there. “I… well, sometimes Raph… sees things.”

“Things?”

“My reflection,” he all but whispered. “Sometimes it looks… like a monster. Like when I was under their control. And Raph trusts you guys when you say there’s nothing left behind; it was burned and ripped away, according to Leo. But what if I see them… hear them still?”

April set a hand on his forearm, getting his attention on her. “Then I’d think you’re still dealing with the trauma of what happened to you. It was nothing to sneeze at, that’s for sure; for any of you. For all of us. We endured something really awful and… I think all of us are realizing that a fix isn’t going to happen overnight. We are going to need time and patience with one another and ourselves.”

Raph set down his mug and scooped April into a hug that she readily returned. He still sounds too quiet when he says, “Thanks. It’s been so hard to keep it together for everyone and…”

“You don’t have to,” April squeezed around his shoulders and neck, her legs dangling a few inches off the ground. “You’re allowed to fall apart sometimes, too, Raph.”

“Maybe later,” he muttered shakily. “Leo’s waiting for his tea.”

“Okay.” She paused, then added, “If you need a safe space to fall apart… you’re always welcome at my apartment.”

“Even if your mom is there?”

“Even if my mom is there. She’s seen pictures… she’ll just have to get used to your in-person size.”

He softly snorted. “Thanks.” He pulled back, offering up a wobbly smile and a quick forehead press followed by an affectionate rumble. “Thank you for everythin’.”

“Any time, I mean it.” April replied fondly as he set her back on her feet.

Raph picked up his and Leo’s mugs and smiled a little more confidently. “Yeah, we know.”

He shuffled off toward the direction of his room and April watched, leaning back against the counter with her own mirrored smile.

Leo had decided not to be a chicken about things anymore, especially in the Feelings category. He’d always considered himself as laid back and cool, able to handle anything with a smirk and a wave, a flash of blue and white light in a city that never sleeps.

It was only half fake. At one point he had been confident in himself and his abilities, he just played them up more for the public. It just became harder of a facade to uphold in the face of… everything, lately.

But he’d survived, and they’d survived, and they were all healing, so he had to stop running from himself all the time.

It’s why he’d gone to Raph. Even though his pride kicked and screamed, even though every step felt like some sort of ridiculous march to his eternal shame.

He went.

He knocked on Raph’s door and waited.

Leo took note that the door was not only unlocked but also not entirely closed.

The small detail made Leo want to crumple onto the floor right then and there, the shadows of his nightmares and buzzing of his sleeplessness falling quieter in the presence of his big brother. Even though he was barely awake.

Raph left the door unlocked. For them, most likely.

How long had it been since Leo had reached out to him, really?

Leo went in.

“Leo?” Raph had mumbled, propping himself up on an elbow and rubbing at the corner of his good eye with a knuckle.

“Raph,” Leo whispered. It was all he could manage. His throat closed and his eyes watered and he was blinking them away furiously because this whole thing was so dumb but…

He didn’t want to be alone.

But, like always, his brother seemed to understand. He patted the bed next to him and Leo slunk forward, sliding stomach first onto the mattress and hiding his face between his folded arms in front of him.

“Nightmares?” Raph slurred, his large hand already rubbing up and down Leo’s scarred carapace.

“Mmhmm.” Leo fought back another wave of frustrated tears.

Raph rumbled and said, “That’s okay.”

Was it? He didn’t know. But… they’d all had them. April had them, even. That had surprised Leo more than he’d expected, honestly.

April was always such an immovable object, an unstoppable force of nature. She was brave and strong and funny and compassionate. She was… April. But hearing about her guilt, about how she carried it even now, made Leo realize a few things.

One of them being that his family loved him far too much.

It honestly hurt.

The other being that they all carried hurt for themselves and one another. He wasn’t alone. He knew that, in theory but… the true meaning was starting to sit with him more.

“Leo?” Raph asked, hesitant and a little more awake.

“Gimme a minute.” Leo managed around the lump in his throat.

Raph just made himself more comfortable and continued to rub Leo’s shell. It was a comforting, familiar gesture; one Raph had learned from their father and continued to give without question. It was sweet.

They’d fought for too long, Raph and Leo. Over such dumb shit, too.

It was a fact that struck true each time he thought about it. He wasn’t sure what he’d been so pigheaded for. He didn’t know why he’d been such a giant, obnoxious showboat even though he’d known he was throwing the missions off. He didn’t know why he did the things he did.

But he was different now. He’d changed. They all had. Leo learned his lesson and he’d never…

“You’re alright,” Raph mumbled softly, interrupting Leo’s thoughts. “No one is upset. No one is in danger. You’re alright.”

“Upset?” Leo asked, trying for levity even though his voice cracked.

Raph plopped his large palm right over Leo’s head and rubbed three times before going back to his shell. “That spinning wheel of a brain likes to fill your bald head with nonsense. You’ve always been like that.”

“Hey.” Leo sniffled, smiling.

“But it makes you think of things the rest of us wouldn’t dare. Looking back… you’ve steered us out of trouble before, and other times you tried to but ignored it for the sake of fun.”

Leo tilted his head and looked up at his brother with one eye. “Like with Moncrief?”

“Gosh, yes.” Raph rolled his eyes dramatically and grinned. “Anyway, I just think your thoughts are being too loud right now. Tea?”

“Tea?” Leo fully turned his head now, convinced he wasn’t at risk of crying anymore. “You hate tea.”

“Ehhh, it’s not Raph’s favorite, but I’ll make us both something if you want.”

He thought about it before nodding slowly. “I’d love some.”

Raph got up, the entire bed frame giving a squeak of protest as he shuffled over Leo a little clumsily. It made Leo laugh.

And if Raph looked like he won some sort of lottery because of it? Well… that was okay too, he guessed.

He waited, soaking in the familiar feel of a room where he wasn’t on his own.

CJ moved in a couple weeks later. He was shy and polite and extremely formal, and it made April’s mom laugh and ruffle his hair. “Stay as long as you need, honey.”

She was mostly grateful her mom didn’t dig too much on the whereabouts of his parents. With the invasion situation… lots of kids were displaced or orphaned, anyway, so she left it at that. Besides, CJ explained he’d be 18 soon enough, and then he could get his own place. It’s a comment that sparked their current conversation, sitting on the floor of her bedroom.

“What are you gonna do in the future, Case?” April asked, helping him sort out some of his inherited clothing. She gently folded up the ragged cloak he’d arrived with and set it off to the side.

Casey sighed and leaned back on his hands. “I’m… not sure? I guess that’s been the big question recently. What’s next? I… haven’t thought too hard about it because of everything but, I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been a lingering question in my head for weeks now.”

“Is there anything you’ve wanted to try? School? A sport? A creative hobby?”

He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck and rolling his head in a slow circle. “Huh… yeah, actually. Though, school might not work. Don’t tell anyone, but Uncle Tello gave me a very thorough education and he was pretty clear about the fact that public education would be of no use to me.”

April tipped her head back and laughed loudly. “Oh, that does not surprise me! That’s such a Donnie thing to say. What a brat. He’s probably right though. Buuuut, I’ll have you take a test just to be sure; not because I don’t believe you but because it might be good to see what you do and don’t know when it comes to the human world.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

“Anything else?”

Casey set his last shirt on its matching pile and gently folded up the duffle bag. It was an old one of Leo’s, and he set it in his lap thoughtfully for a moment. “I mean… during the… when we were in the depth of the war, one thing I helped Uncle Tello with was watching over the growth of the greenhouse. It had vegetables and fruit and grain, all things so we could… try to have clean food.”

“Hmm… we can work with that.” April leaned forward, setting her elbows on her knees and her chin on the backs of her hands. “Did you enjoy that though?”

“I did.” He smiled wistfully. “It was sorta therapeutic. Watching the plants grow and bloom and be ready for harvest. Making charts to keep track of them all and make sure they were doing well. Cutting out anything infected or… dead.” His smile fell. “Hated when I couldn’t save a plant.”

“That’s natural though.” April said gently. “And you’re no longer in a time where good or clean food is so extremely scarce. Now you can tend to plants if you want to. There are several types of jobs that involve working with plants and food products.”

“Do I… do I have to get a job?”

“Well… no, but I think it would be good for you. Learn to socialize with more people and get out a little more.” She reached across the distance between them and gave his knee a couple pats. “The world is still dangerous, but it is not ending. And we can go just a little bit at a time.”

CJ nodded and looked over his meager piles of clothing. “Can I think about it for a little?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you.”

April stretched and then stood. “On that note! Let’s get you situated in the office.”

“You’re… you’re sure I’m not imposing, right? Your dad won’t mind that I’m using his space?”

She waved his concerns away with a hand. “Dude, trust me, you’re fine. My dad spends a lot of time away for work, and when he’s here, he’s hardly in there as it is. It’s more in case he’s working from home, which is super rare. And if it comes to that, we will work it out then. He already gave us full permission to use whatever you need.”

He looked embarrassed but also relieved. “Alright… thank you.”

“Hey, any time, man. As far as we’re all concerned, you’re part of the crew now. Or… you have been, but to our other selves. Anyway, we help each other. It’s our strength.”

And CJ laughed, a knowing and nostalgic look on his face. “Yeah. Yeah… I know.”

Plopping her hands on her hips, she grinned. “Remind you of someone?”

“Just one of the strongest women I’ve ever known, that’s all.”

April’s grin stretched and she snapped her fingers, flashing a wink. “That’s right, and don’t you forget it.”

CJ’s smile was genuine and fond. “How could I ever?”