Chapter Text
Anakin huffed as he fought to not roll his eyes. By god he loved you but you were so frustrating sometimes. Today was the beginning of a scouting mission to the outer rim and everyone had spent the morning packing and preparing, but you were ignoring him. He knew that. You were ignoring HIM. At first he chalked it up to the business of the day but when you passed him without acknowledging him he knew something was up.
His mind scattered. What had he done? Were you mad at him or just mad at the world? If you were mad at the world, had he done anything to contribute to that?
Logically Anakin knew that whatever was going on with you wasn’t involved with him and you were allowed to be frustrated, but that didn’t stop the visceral fear that pierced his stomach whenever you were in a bad mood. You didn’t want him. You didn’t need him.
Behind his own insecurities though he was majorly concerned. He’s seen this happen before and normally it’s a mask you put on to appear strong and confident. Manly. You guys had talked about it before.
He shook his head, shaking off the concern, anxiety, and frustration that was currently plaguing him. Once the mission was launched and y’all were on the route, he could check in with you, until then he would just have to push this down.
Y/n.
You blinked the fog out of your head looking in the mirror to make out your face. Your eyes drooped and your mouth peeled down. You sighed. You were exhausted. Your arms heaved with exertion and your hands shook with vigor. You felt nothing except you felt everything. The past few days had been brutal. Training and training hard. You loved it, you loved every second of it, team games, agility training, field acrobatics but you were seriously pooped. Additionally your head was blaring with insecurity.
You and Anakin had a competitive relationship. How could you not? Growing up as padawans together it was part of your nature.
But right now, with your static stuffed head, you couldn’t feel the competition, only the criticism. During one such exercise you were swinging from one vine to another but lost momentum halfway and skidded to a halt. The whole team had to start over. Anakin huffed and you felt your heart shatter.
He went up to you and proceeded to show you a better way to make the swing. He didn’t seem mad, but he certainly didn’t seem happy either.
He didn’t think you were capable. He was so much stronger than you. He was taller, had more muscle definition and you were just… you were just a girl. You would show him! This was not internalized misogyny talking, this was dysphoria.
After the exercise was over you and Anakin went back to have fun on the apparatuses and you took a moment to show off, hanging by your hip and pointing your toes gracefully. He laughed with a smile on his face and asked to go to lunch. You went with him feeling dejected.
That downward spiral has left you where you are now.
Mentally in pain and physically exhausted. Except now you had a mission to attend to so you couldn’t just feel your feelings. You felt like they made you weak anyways. You had to be better. You had to be more like Anakin.
You pushed yourself into your work today, hiding in your mind, only letting neutrality and numbness out. You weren’t here, you were on some other plane of existence as you were packing up.
With both of you needing to go back to your quarters for your final stuff you and Anakin had arranged to take the speeder back. You were excited to see Anakin, only passing him a few times today, but you were also dreading it. You knew you just wanted to fall into his arms and cry but you couldn’t. You wouldn’t have to be better. But Anakin was so attentive and any slip up he was bound to notice.
You put on a neutral smile as he pulls up and you hop in the front seat. He grins crazily and takes off.
“He’s driving erratically, like always “ you think
with a sliver of irritation in your mind, a headache already forming swirling in your mind. You closed your eyes and leaned forward taking a deep breath. In what you hoped was a casual tone you asked,
“Hey Ani, can you slow down a bit, I just have a little headache.”
Anakin;
“Hey Ani, can you slow down a bit, I just have a little headache” you said. You said it normally but Anakin swore he heard a small crack towards the end of your sentence.
He wiped the grin off his face, only to replace it with a concerned expression. Sobering his driving he asked.
Are you ok? He furrowed his eyebrows. Having a headache would certainly explain your behavior and the suspicious glassiness to your eyes. He cursed inwardly. How could he be so selfish? Thinking you were mad at him when you were really just hurting.
Nearing the balcony to your quarters he goes to apologize. But before he could do so you flip out of your seat onto the balcony and slam your door open.
“I’m fine!!” He hears you say in anger as you abruptly shut the door and close the curtains.
He sits there for a second in shock taking in what just happened before he goes into his head again.
You were clearly mad at him now, and weren't willing to discuss it. And for what? What did he do?
He groaned as he sped over to his quarters. If you didn’t want to talk about it he couldn’t make you, but he also knew it wasn’t his fault because you were refusing to talk. If you weren’t gonna tell him what’s wrong, he didn’t have the obligation of fixing it for you.
Y/n:
You gathered your things trying not to cry, you didn’t know why you yelled at Anakin. He didn’t do anything, it’s not his fault you were a weak tiny out of control excuse for a person.
You sit in silence with Anakin on the ride back to the docking zone.
This mission wasn’t a big one. Only a unit with a few dozen clones from the 501st were going. You saw Rex and Kix and Fives boarding. Fives was laughing with Ahsoka.
Ahsoka. You smiled as damn near a real smile when she turned to you. As Anakin’s padawan the 3 of you spent a lot of time together and she was practically your little sibling.
Noticing you and Anakin she sprints over. Anakin’s had her for a year now and her impulse control has gotten so much better but fortunately the energetic optimism remained.
You and Anakin immediately shifted, getting rid of the tension between you two.
No Ahsoka, your Dad’s aren't getting divorced, you think.
You chuckled and Anakin shot you his signature smirk as Ahsoka failed to stop herself fast enough and flew into a tank behind you.
With laughs Anakin takes her hand to pull her up, asking if she’s ok.
“Master you’ll never guess what just happened”
“What happened, snips.”
“Look what Echo made for us.”
She holds up 2….things. They look like watches? Heart monitors?
Anakin’s confused face says it all and Ahsoka launches into an explanation.
“Echo made it to track the droids we shot down. We just wear it and it tracks it for us.” She says excitedly.
“Also to make sure ONE of us doesn't cheat!” She says pointedly.
Anakin smiles and slaps his flesh palm to his forehead.
“Karking Echo figured out my secret and spilled it.” He says under his breath.
A weight off your chest has been lifted by this conversation. Normality between you and Anakin even if only because of Ahsoka.
A low beep indicates that that’s time to board the ship. She turns around and runs backward doing a mock salute to Anakin and furrowing her eyebrows at you holding up a thumbs up as if to ask if you were ok.
Kriff.
You groaned internally. You always forget she has force empathy. Even with your shielding she still catches the basics. You take a shaky breath and summon up the biggest smile you can and hold up a thumbs up.
Since the crew for the mission is small, you all aren’t going on the Resolute. That means sharing the cockpit with Anakin.
You miss the Resolute.
Once situated in the cockpit you start the controls preparing for takeoff. For the small ship only you and Anakin- the generals, had room in the cockpit and you sense the energy shift the second it’s just the 2 of you.
Uh oh.
Anakin’s face forms into a frown and his eyes are coldly facing ahead. Not sparing a glance to you.
Not even talking to you.
Electric guilt and fear courses through you at this realization. You yelled at him. Of course he doesn't want to talk to you. You don't deserve him. You deserve this excruciating silence shooting your way. Your arms light up and your back sparks in a desperate attempt to keep your emotions shielded. Your heart feels like it's falling into a sinkhole. Heavy like gravity just increased. Like lightning flowing through you. You sink metaphorically into your seat.
Anakin recites the first part of take off on the holocom and you recite the next, voice barely staying stable, tears threatening to fall. You think you see Anakin glance towards you ever so slightly but it's gone before you can process it. As Anakin starts pulling up the large ship into the atmosphere you feel your breathing start to pick up. These ships are too small to have the anti-gravity effects of the Starships but too big to have the G-force resistors of Ty fighters and other small non-hyperspeed ships. Basically the flight up to space as quick as it is, sucks.
As you feel your heart sink more- this time literally due to the doubled G force, your quick breathing starts to turn more into hyperventilation, which turns into nausea. By now your stomach is churning, dangerously threatening to come up. Tears fall and you grasp your hands into shaking fists trying to fight your body and mind at the same time. A strangled sob comes out involuntarily.
Anakin normally helps you during takeoff on these ships, but right now he's mad, he hates you, he won't help the mess of a person that is you. Not to mention he's flying the ship. He's flying the ship. He's flying the ship and you aren't doing anything. You're a general too but you're just sitting here in misery while he flys up off of Coruscant. No wonder he hates you, you're weak, you're small, you're awful, you don't deserve anything.
Anakin looks at you again but you don't have the awareness to look back, too consumed by the storm of your mind. He's judging you. You know he's judging you. A whimper escapes your lips as you desperately try to pull yourself together into some semblance of a person.
You try but to no avail.
At this point you can't breathe.You can't breathe and you're gonna die. You're gonna die with Anakin hating you. Your chest is painfully tight and you gasp for air you don't have. Your mind is blanking and your ears are ringing. You see static form over your peripheral vision. You know what happens next.
The static overtakes your vision and it all fades to black.
Anakin:
Anakin finishes his part of the holocom, only for you to start. Your normally smooth, confident voice is shaking and quiet. He looks over to you in concern. He knows you aren't ok but wants to wait for you to bring it up to him to help you, but to see your obviously pained face feign happiness breaks him. He decides he's going to talk to you once the ship hits hyperspeed.
He pulls up the ship and hears your breathing start to pick up. Kriff. He knows how much you hate these take offs. The G force affects you more, as it's something you are hypersensitive to. Typically in the medium ships he'll coax you to breathe, having you lie down on his lap if it's that bad and he thinks you'll pass out.
He's actively flying the ship now and can't do anything until hyperspace. He hopes you'll be ok.
As you lose more and more control of yourself, he worries more. His head snaps towards yours when he hears you sob, pressed backward into your seat by the propulsion of the jet.
"Y/n?!" He asks, alarmed.
You don't respond. Ice cold fear streaks through him as he hears your quick breaths turn into desperate gasps. The ship is in space now and he pulls the lever to hyperspace while simultaneously alerting Ahsoka and his men who are all in a separate room that they can now safely go about whatever business they need to attend to. The trip should take 6 hours and he has a meeting with the council in 4 hours.
He blasts out of his seat towards you. You are rocking back and forth in a ball, gasping for air. He says your name again but hears no response. Suddenly or rather predicatively your eyes flutter shut. With that your breathing slows and your form crumples in your seat. Anakin panics but makes sure to gently grab your head to prevent it from banging on the edge of the seat.
He coms Kix.
"Kix, cockpit now!." He pleads sternly. He probably sounds angry but that's the least of his worries right now.
"General Skywalker," He responds immediately. "Is it y/n?"
"Yeah yeah, he just passed out, I don't what happened" Anakin started to ramble, "It was during the beginning of the flight they just-"
"Breath General. Y/n is ok, this has happened before." Kix responds firmly. "We are on our way with a stretcher."
No more than 30 seconds later and R2 rolls in along with Kix, Fives and 2 shinies he doesn't know.
"Get them out of here." Anakin seethes gesturing to the shinies.
"But sir-" Kix starts,
"That's an order Kix."
"Of course Sir."
The shinies exit. Anakin picks you up bridal style and gently holds you, watching your breaths come out evenly. He puts a kiss to your head before setting you on the stretcher.
Kix comes with a blood pressure cuff and puts it around your arm and Fives pricks your finger to test your blood sugar. Anakin sees you start to stir and strokes your hair. You let out a groan and Anakin shushes you softly.
Y/n
A hushed shush is what you hear first, then familiar fingers sifting through your hair.
You like that it feels nice.
You open your eyes, light blasting into them. You see Anakin, Kix and Fives over you. You whimper as a throb goes through your head. You have a splitting headache. Anakin hears you whimper and comforts you by running his hand up and down your arm, lightly tickling you and whispering sweet nothings.
You don't remember what happened yet, eyes still dazed over, but you see Kix show something to Anakin and Fives whisper something as well. You blink a few times.
You remember.
Shit.
You shoot up into a sitting position much to the surprise of the rest of them. You grab Anakin and start apologizing profusely.
"I-I" you start, "I'm so sorry." You start to ramble incoherently.
Anakin shushes you and maneuvers to lay you back down again. You push against him.
"I wasn't thinking and I was just stressed and then I yelled at you and now you hate me." You start to cry. You're pathetic. You passed out on a kriffing spaceship.
Anakin's face gains clarity. He shakes his head chuckling in relief that you are ok and pulls you into his chest.
"It's ok I promise, I'm not mad, I'm just worried." He says softly. His voice is so low and nice you could listen to it all day. You slump into him and cry into his shirt softly. They aren't the loud sobs he had before. You were embarrassed and confused, why did Anakin like you, you didn't even like yourself. You are interrupted from your thoughts when Kix decides to say something.
"Sir, your blood pressure is incredibly low and your blood sugar is also a bit low, do we have your permission to bring you to the medbay for just a little bit of monitoring?"
Your face burns red. You feel like a baby as you pathetically nod your head hidden in Anakin's chest. He shushes you again only to lift you away from him and lay you back down onto the stretcher. You only whine in protest once before the exhaustion of the ordeal hits you all at once and Anakin's comforting touch lulls you into a light sleep.
Anakin:
Once you were asleep on the stretcher he stood up and went over to Kix. Kix injected you with a sedative- something you failed to even realize, you just weren't calming down and they needed to take you to medbay and for someone to take over the cockpit- not that the autopilot needed much supervision.
"Ahsoka" Anakin commed. "Y/n and I were pulled into an emergency meeting- we need you to take over the cockpit" Anakin said steadily, trying not to add the worry into his voice- he didn't want Ahsoka to have to deal with this.
"Yes Master" Ahsoka sighed as she disconnected. Anakin could just imagine her sulking right now. It was better than worrying her. Y/n would be ok.