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"I'd prefer you not." Judd groaned as he looked towards Bennett. His friend's eyes were laced with a sort of wetness that didn't necessarily look like tears, but more just the light reflecting off the moistness already applied by blinks prior. This light reflection gave Bennett's expression a sort of innocence, an innocence that Judd had often struggled to say no to.
Bennett pressed further, "Please Tommy. I don't ask you for much physical intimacy. Additionally, I truly need this right now."
What exactly was it that Judd was so keen on denying Bennett? Bennett had been asking for Judd to hold him. Or at the very least, allow for him to lean on Judd. But neither of those options seemed to really be appealing for Judd. He wasn't that interested in physical contact at all to be honest.
However, he found himself giving in just the slightest bit to Bennett's pleas. Which to him, was rather embarrassing. He supposed though that if no one were to spot the two, he wouldn't mind providing help to his friend. That's all this was after all. "Christ… Alright Bennett."
Bennett's face lit up momentarily before growing the slightest bit snarkier. Noting the more-or-less homicidal glance of Judd though, Bennett decided to resign the comment he was going to spout. Instead he just leaned his head against Judd's chest as he felt the other man's arms wrap around him. In a lot of ways, it reminded Bennett of how he used to hold James. With this thought, he grew woeful. Reminiscing on any of his time with James seemed to make him sink into a depression. He knew why, of course he did. It was the same reason why he and James had to stop seeing each other in the first place. He loved James. Still now. And how was he to get over that. He hadn't loved anyone before. It had always been a game, and games were not meant to make the gamemaster this heavy-hearted.
"It's dreadful, isn't it?" Bennett muttered into Judd's chest.
"What is?"
Bennett closed his eyes and let out a long, almost drawn-out, exhale. "This grotesque ideal of our peers to completely ostracize us just because- because of who we are." Bennett's words fumbled a bit, and in fact, he found himself quite ill-spoken. But for fucks sake, he couldn't help it right now. He was morose at the way he had been treated, and how he was sure he would continue to be treated. Not just during his time at this horrible school, but continuing out into the real world. He almost laughed at the fact that for as much as he tried to convince himself in the past that he had charge, he had dictation in the way his life would go, he really just did not have those things at all. He was a queer man, and that was an affront to not only God but society as a whole. Due to this, he must pay the consequences for the rest of his life. Maybe he was just being pessimistic, but it was hard to be anything but when faced with such adversity.
Judd could have replied with something objective, he could have been snide, but he felt that wasn't what Bennett needed. He could tell that wasn't what Bennett needed. And, shockingly, Judd wasn't exactly in the mind to be objective either. It was rare for him to ever be like this, but even he was vulnerable after facing the embarrassment of giving up his ideals just to be told he never had to do that in the first place. So he was almost as somber as his friend at the moment. "I know…" He comforted quietly, not another word uttered out.
Bennett leaned into Judd's touch, the gentle rubbing he inflicted onto Bennett's arm, his careful whispers and shushes sparse but still consistent. It was a bit shocking, how good Judd was at comforting. Maybe it was because Judd knew who he was comforting or maybe Judd just was a natural. Bennett certainly hoped it was the latter, that would make Judd seem much more human.
Sympathy is what Bennett needed, if Judd wasn't interested in providing it he'd probably reply with something like; "You do not need sympathy, you just want it." but he didn't, meaning Bennett could give fully into his emotions and Judd would not be scared away. "Tommy…" He choked, sounding painfully on the edge of plaintive cries. "Tommy I can't do this anymore… Not now that James is gone… I should just- Should just leave school. Forget it all."
Bennett's attempt to sound valiant seemed to be without success as the boy broke out in weeps moments later. Judd did his best to hold Bennett and comfort him, but it didn't really seem to help. Or maybe just having someone to cry to was helping. "Guy, you don't have to fall silently. Why do you not just return back to normal? Go about things normally. I'm not asking you to be glad, but if Delehay, Fowler, anyone that means anything, sees you so vulnerable. Well, you know what may happen."
Bennett flinched a bit, "You're right… Tommy… You're never wrong…" He muttered, because he knew what Judd said was true. If he acted normal and cocky like usual, people may be scared of him again. But truth be told, he didn't want people to be scared of him, he didn't want to blend in either, he just wanted to be with someone he loved. He wanted to be with a man and not have anyone sneer or scoff at him. Judd most likely would not understand, despite how he claimed that he would. In the end, much how someone could be swayed to Marxism, someone could be swayed to Capitalism. Bennett could not be swayed to genuinely love and want to sleep with a woman though. It was horrible. "But maybe…" Bennett trailed off.
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe… Martineau had it right." Whimpered Bennett.
Judd shifted back, causing Bennett to stir slightly. "Guy… Surely you don't mean that."
"Oh I don't know what I mean anymore…"
Judd shook his head, clicking his tongue. "I know things aren't the greatest right now Guy, but please… If you do consider something like that… Please at least consult me first."
Bennett scoffed, "Why?"
"Because… I-" Judd's mouth closed in reluctance. "I… Care about you, Guy." He suspired. "And I don't want you to go. Because then I… I will be alone."
"Well with no Bennett there would be no reason to worry about Bennett's Law, yes? So why do you worry about being lonely?"
Judd closed his eyes. "It's not that. I told you, I care about you."
"You're lying." Bennett again scoffed. "You know just as well as me, no lying, that you would do just as well as you do now alone."
"I don't lie, Guy. It goes against my ideals if you'd remember."
Bennett frowned, "So if I died, you really would be mournful?"
Judd couldn't discern if that was the truth, but upon listening to his heart rather than brain, he knew that he would miss Bennett. So, mournful, yes, that was the best way to place how he would feel. "Yes, Guy. I would be mournful." He answered, sure now of his truth.
The vindictive nature of Judd's response seemed to quell Bennett's worry for the most part. "... I'll believe it when I see it." He joked.
"Have you half a mind? How would you ever plan on seeing it if you're dead?" Judd quipped back, also lighter in tone, insinuating he understood Bennett's now clownish attitude.
Bennett simply shrugged, "I'm sure to find a way. I would not miss Tommy Judd, the definition of objectivity, mourning Guy Bennett for the world."
Judd brushed his hand through Bennett's hair, honestly surprising him. "Why is it so hard to believe I'd mourn a friend you ignoramus."
Bennett smiled, "Well now, I don't think it's hard to imagine at all."
–
"Now be truthful with me Tommy."
"When am I not?"
Bennett frowned as he paced across the study's floor. Shadow filled the scape of the room, and if it were not for the moon's flourishing light and Judd's torch, it'd be simply pitch black. "What do you think of Fowler?" Bennett questioned, head turning from the ground to his friend.
"You know what I think. Of all the contributors to this awful system of oppression, Fowler is by far the worst. I would even go as far to say that I hate him." Judd replied, crossing his legs at the ankles as he seemed to lean more into what he was reading. Although if this really helped with focus given Bennett's obsessive questioning was yet to be seen.
Bennett stopped pacing and simply crossed his arms, "That wasn't what I meant. I mean… Do you think he's lonely?"
Judd snorted, head now turning from his text to Bennett. "Are you joking?"
Bennett sighed, "Well?"
"Yes, he is one of the lonliest men I've had the displeasure of knowing. It's clear just by the way word gets around about him." Judd replied, head turning back to his book. "Now, I think I may know, but what was the purpose of that question?"
"No purpose." Bennett replied sharply.
"You've too much of a brain to ask pointless questions, Guy. Could it perhaps have something to do with Bennett's Law?" Judd prodded.
Bennett let out a clearly sarcastic laugh. "Look at me, the pansy that wants to sleep around with the entire school. That's what you're thinking right, well you're wrong."
Judd hummed, "Guy, as a friend, I must say your defensive attitude is certainly not helping your case." He flipped the page of his book, "In any case, you said it, not me. And that is not what I was thinking at all. I know how you work, you simply want blackmail, isn't that it?"
"Maybe… I dislike this game now, but it'd feel more secure if I had just the slightest on Fowler. On everyone really." Bennett walked to the window and leaned against it, cheek pressing against the cold glass.
"Well, Bennett's Law is infallible. Maybe all it takes is a push in the right direction." Judd stood up, closing his book and pressing it against his chest. "Goodnight, Guy."
"Night."
–
Judd stared down Bennett from across the room. Never would Judd be caught so infatuated with the man, but he was looking for covered information.
Bennett's eyes seemed to slowly travel their way over to Judd's. He had felt the man's stare on him, he just hadn't entertained it until he realized that entertaining it may have been the only way to get it to stop. "What is it Tommy?" Bennett questioned, closing his book and resting it on his lap.
"I want to know." Judd vaguely insinuated.
Bennett knew, or at least he figured he knew, what Judd was insinuating. Of which he was insinuating is the exact reason Bennett never wanted to entertain the possibility of a question in the first place. "What would you like to know?" Bennett asked, if he was wrong then he wouldn't want to tell Judd what he had actually done.
"Fowler. I have noticed you two… Well, you don't seem much friendlier, but you do seem closer."
Bennett could have resigned from the conversation right then. He had no reason to tell, and Tommy had no reason to know. Yet, Bennett did feel a sense of pride, and this he wanted to share. "I shouldn't say."
Judd chuckled, "By saying something like that, surely you know that you'd give it away."
Bennett gave a last knowing glance to Judd before reopening his book. "I won't disclose the details, I mean I'd doubt you want to hear them."
"You'd be surprised."
"Oh really?" Bennett glanced toward Judd who wasn't particularly defensive about his comment.
"I'm no… Well… Homosexual…" Judd muttered, trying to make sure his terminology was correct. "But I am interested in how Fowler would fall for you."
Bennett snickered, "You know."
"Bennett's Law, of course, but… How did you get him? He's been lonely for such a long time, I mean surely you must've done something." Judd further pried.
Bennett wasn't growing annoyed, per say, with these questions, but he was growing upset with how carefully he had to tread around the actual answer. "Like you said, all it took was a push to get him on his knees. Or shall I say, my knees."
"You're grotesque." Judd chortled.
Bennett gave a small glance to Judd, shifting in his seat. "Maybe so, but I have blackmail on Fowler, don't I?"
Judd contemplated Bennett's words momentarily. He didn't respond to them, a response felt unnecessary. Bennett was right, and Judd now became slightly intimidated. He never gave much thought to Bennett's role in the school, but he now realized just how much power the man truly held. Judd posed no threat to Bennett so surely the man wouldn't attempt to make Judd concede next? No, they were friends. There was no reason for such a ploy. Although now, Judd felt definitely intimidated by Bennett.
–
"You're cruel." Judd said out of the blue.
Bennett was a little caught off guard but he didn't show much mind to the comment. "How so?"
Judd frowned, "Levying those experiences against our peers. It isn't right."
"It isn't right? What isn't right is my treatment. What isn't right is the fact that those experiences should be seen as blackmail at all." Bennett retorted.
Judd clasped his hands together and stared at the ground. Bennett was right. Judd knew, and he had even contemplated that response before he said anything at all. Maybe it was an illogical conclusion. Maybe Judd really was being driven mad by fear.
Bennett sighed and looked over at Judd. "I know it isn't… The most moral thing to do. But I want to live freely, Tommy."
Judd nodded, swallowing hard. He was at first amused by Bennett, but now it had seemed this game had taken a serious turn. And to be honest, Judd wanted to know honestly if he would ever be caught in the crossfire.
"Bennett," Bennett was caught off guard by the use of his last name, "Do you ever think about attempting that with me?"
Bennett's head turned to face the wall he was sitting by, "Why? Do you want me to?" He half-joked.
"Be serious Guy."
Bennett ceded and turned his head back to Judd, showing now much more emotion. "Yes." He answered.
Judd's mouth tensed. He wasn't sure exactly what he was expecting as a reply, but he hoped it wouldn't be that.
"But, not for the same reasons as the others." Bennett continued, shifting Judd's displeasure to curiosity.
"... Go on." Judd spoke, reluctant to pursue the topic further at all.
Bennett sat up and took a seat by Judd, causing the man to flinch, but not run away. His fear was showing, but he'd give up Communism before ever running from Guy Bennett.
"Well, I loved you. I might still, I can't discern yet if it's romantic, or sexual, or platonic, or hell, even a mixture of the three. But I love you Tommy." Bennett confessed, nonchalant. Scarily nonchalant.
Judd frowned, "Well I don't love men."
"I don't expect you to, but I want you to know that if we were ever to spend the night together. That it should be out of a place of love, rather than fear or malice from my end."
"But-"
Bennett continued, "And rather than loneliness or desperation on your's. If we are to sleep together, I want you to love me just as much as I do you."
Judd's eyes fell away from Bennett's. He couldn't meet that man's gaze anymore. It was confusing him, Bennett was confusing him. They were meant to be friends. They were hardly that, surely.
"Do you want me to end up like James?"
"It would be different, Tommy."
"How can you be sure?"
Bennett leaned back, somewhat taken in thought. "Well, people already have their suspicions. They've had them for years. We carry on like normal, and those suspicions will carry on like normal, and we will still provide no evidence to confirm them."
Judd had known of the rumors, the talk, it had traveled around their school painfully quick when it first started. And while it died down it never really died out. Nevertheless, Judd was unable to muster up a single word in response to this plan. It would work, given Judd felt this way for Bennett. But he hadn't, he could've never! He wasn't like that, he was in love with women. Well, there were never really any women in particular he fancied, and in fact, if there was a woman that Judd were to settle with he'd hope for her to look and act almost exactly like Bennett. That didn't mean a thing though. That just meant – That just – No it certainly meant nothing at all. So, Judd left right then, there was no reason to give a response to such a ludicrous plan. Any words spoken would be a waste of time surely.
Bennett, though, felt that at least a goodbye would have been nice. If not that then an answer to what could be so easily considered a confession of love. A normal person would have responded, Bennett knew, but Judd wasn't normal.
–
"What do you suppose?" Barclay questioned, watching out the window. He seemed to have his eyes fixed on two men in particular outside.
From across the room, Delehay replied, sitting on a wingback, "If he hasn't already, I suppose Bennett feels the need now to gain blackmail on his, or who we thought was, his closest friend."
Barclay crossed his arms, "Judd is not stupid though. He wouldn't fall for Bennett at the very least."
"You don't have to be stupid, just lonely." Delehay sighed, eyes shifting from Barclay to the floor.
Barclay hummed slightly in recognition of Delehay's reply. The two he had his eye on in question, were the very two Delehay and Barclay had been chatting about.
Judd and Bennett weren't acting closer after their conversation, if anything, they had been acting more distant. Which may have been precisely why so many skeptic eyes trailed them. They weren't acting normal, or at least, normal for them.
Delehay chimed up again, "If Bennett is trying to get with Judd I don't think it's working. They seem to be growing apart."
"Or maybe it's working too well." Barclay added. "Judd knows Bennett, no doubt he knows about his reputation as well."
The true reason Judd and Bennett were acting distant really had nothing to do with blackmail, or even the conversation at all, it was simply due to the fact that the two had separate things to focus on. Bennett had taken interest in rising ranks again, and Judd had just kept his interest in the same things. So, there was little doubt things would go back to normal eventually. But for now, well, Bennett and Judd would have to be stupid not to catch onto the chatter about them. This made them both much too weary.
Judd especially, because while Bennett had dealt with this talk before, Judd hadn't. Or not on this level, at least. People always were suspect of Bennett and Judd, that was somewhat Judd's fault for befriending the only outwardly queer boy in school. But how was he supposed to know just how much stir their friendship would cause. It was uncomfortable, just how did Bennett handle it on a day-to-day basis.
"Tommy, you know if you pay attention to them they're only going to stare more." Bennett spoke, not making eye contact with Judd. He continued, "And since when did you grow so self-conscious?"
Judd shrunk back slightly, feeling so much smaller than Bennett. He hated this. "Since I started being perceived as something I'm not. I am a communist, not a homosexual. I do not want people seeing me as one."
Maybe Bennett would just never understand his friend, maybe he just would never understand this response to the newfound attention in particular, but Bennett certainly didn't get why Judd was so put off by this. It had been like this in the past, and Judd had never acted so cowardly. Maybe it was because of Martineau, or even more recently, James. But what Bennett failed to consider as a cause of fear, was himself. He was scaring Judd.
Maybe it was time for Judd to be honest.
–
Bennett found Judd once again in the study. It was common for the two to meet after hours in this place by now, which put into perspective of recent talk, made them seem all the more suspicious.
Bennett draped his arms around Judd's form, something usual of the man, but something that now caused Judd to spring out of his seat. "What the hell Bennett?" He exclaimed, holding himself as he kept distance between himself and his persecutor.
Bennett brushed a hand through his unkempt, brown curls, letting it fall to his side as the other hand placed itself on his hip. "I thought you'd be happier to see me."
Judd, now calming himself down, sighed. He now took a less defensive and much more civilized stance. "Well, actually, you are right. I am happy to see you." He admitted.
"Awe. How sweet." Bennett remarked, sarcasm clearly intertwined in his tone.
"We should talk." Judd said, sitting. "Take a seat please."
Bennett followed Judd's motions and took a seat as well. "What about, Tommy?"
Judd's eyes seemed to look at every crease in Bennett's clothing before reluctantly meeting his eyes. "Well, a few things. I have not been able to focus on my studies because of a cloud in my mind. I hope you don't mind me confiding in you."
Bennett shook his head, "Oh. Of course not. Not at all."
"I'm glad." Judd seemed to smile a bit, although it also was too quickly forced down to get a good look at. "Bennett… I'm going to be upfront with you and admit that I am borderline frightened of you."
Bennett stared at Judd momentarily, taking in what he had just said. What he had admitted too. Bennett laughed, it didn't seem real. Judd, afraid of him? "You're joking."
Judd crossed his arms, growing a bit defensive. "I'm not and you know I'm not Guy, so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop your laughter."
The truth was Bennett did know Judd was not joking. He had many tells when he was joking, and he had many tells when he was being serious, and Bennett could tell very clearly that Judd was being serious. But that didn't change the absurdity of the statement. "And if you're being serious then I presume there's a reason you're frightened of me?" Bennett pried, the sentiment in which the question was based sounding unnatural to say.
Judd answered, "You have managed to blackmail and manipulate so many respectable and, while I hate to admit, intelligent individuals. They may not have a mind to listen, but they have a mind. So, I suppose-"
"You're afraid I'll corrupt you." Bennett finished.
Judd's mouth tensed with fear momentarily before laxing again, "Well, partially. I am mainly afraid of you having possible blackmail against me."
"I've already told you Tommy, if anything were to happen between us it'd be out of love for you." Bennett retaliated, leaning in closer to Judd.
Judd stayed put, not backing up, but not showing that he was any less frightened. "Oh, but that's all a part of the scheme isn't it?"
"What scheme? I'm not trying to scheme you." Bennett was becoming more ill-tempered now. Judd was accusing him of essentially being a manipulative liar. Which he supposed he was slightly, but not to Judd.
Judd shook his head, "I feel strange, Guy. With you I feel odd. I feel close to you, but not close enough. I don't want to sleep with you though, I just want to spend time with you. Is that- Is that enough? That's all I can provide."
"Of course. Does that mean-"
"I would rather not provide a label any higher than friendship for now. It may be more than that, but it'll be easier for my mentality not to try and figure out what we are." Judd respired, placing his hands at his sides. "Now, I do want to mention something else… I know you have seemed to figure it all out, but truth be told I am worried about the new eyes on us."
Bennett shook his head, "They'll stop, eventually… Once we give them nothing to stare at. Just don't pay mind."
Judd nodded slightly. "... I think, then, I best be off for tonight Guy."
"Goodnight Tommy."
Judd nodded to Bennett before swiftly exiting. He was left even more confused by that conversation of which was supposed to answer his questions. Why hadn't he been more direct? Why hadn't he established more clearly what he thought about Bennett? What had Bennett thought they were?
–
Anxiety filled Judd throughout the course of the next week. He wasn't sure what Bennett thought of him, and he wasn't sure where their relationship stood. They weren't romantic partners, definitely not sexual, but some days Bennett would surprise Judd with a hug and even some nights a kiss. They would always be on his cheek or hand, never on the lips though, and these surprises, well, they were never unwelcome. Just shocking.
Judd never really knew what to do after the fact, so he would just nod in recognition to Bennett and continue on his way. Looking back now, that's probably the reason Bennett felt the need to have a discussion with Judd in the first place.
"Tommy," He started, taking a long inhale as he chose his next words, "I want to know- What is it you want?"
Judd crossed his arms, "Want in what way?"
"From me, Tommy." Bennett stated, motioning towards himself. "I mean, I've tried to keep things normal between us while also furthering our relationship but it certainly isn't easy. I would keep it up if you'd show any interest in it, but it doesn't even seem like you want it."
Judd looked at the ground and sighed, "I'm not even quite sure what you're referring to." He laughed. "I said we'd spend time together, that's all. Physical intimacy is something you integrated. If I ever alluded to wanting more from you, then I apologize. I want to set it straight though that we are friends, perhaps just closer now."
"I thought you wanted… We can't be just friends, Tommy. You made it sound so clear, despite not wanting to label it, that you wanted to be partners." Bennett protested.
Judd shook his head, looking again at Guy. "We are partners, just not romantic ones. There isn't a single person in this school that I care for more than you, I'd figure you'd know that by now."
"I do." Bennett groaned. "You're right, maybe I really do have half a mind, or no mind at all."
Judd shrugged, "Well, I'm hardly ever wrong." He joked. "Although, Guy, I must tell you that…"
"What?"
"Oh… No it's nothing. I enjoy our current relationship, Guy. Why fix something that is in no way broken?" Bennett's eyes trailed away from Judd, landing on the bookshelf that stood against the wall opposite of them. He looked to be in thought.
Bennett's mind seemed to settle on defeat though, as after mere moments passed, he left the room entirely. Almost racing to the door and down the hall. He felt foolish to say the least, embarrassed, definitely. Had Judd meant to make a fool of him by manipulating him into thinking they were anything more than platonic, well, probably not. Though Bennett did not want to think logically, he knew it to be the truth that Judd wouldn't do something like that to him. To anyone honestly, the man just didn't have time to waste. Bennett still was upset though, rightfully so as he just spent the past week assuming the two were engaged in an, at least somewhat, romantic relationship. That's what Judd seemed to want, despite still labeling it as friendship. Or did he want that? Maybe Bennett just failed to read his friend's words close enough to discern what he actually wanted.
Delehay stopped Bennett as he walked down the hall. Bennett hadn't even seen Delehay, so spaced out.
"Bennett, why is it you're racing down the hall?" Delehay asked.
Bennett shook his head slightly, making eye contact with Delehay. "Oh, hello Delehay. I didn't see you there."
Delehay's head tilted in the slightest, looking Bennett up and down. "What are you doing?"
"Not going to prance around with some boy so you have no reason to be worried." Bennett spat. He was not in the mood to entertain, that much was clear.
Delehay crossed his arms, "So you're not off to see Judd?"
"No?" Bennett frowned, "I was just with him, there in the studio."
"I see." Delehay replied. "You're ratting him out then? So you can get away? Disgustingly vulgar." He placed a hand on Bennett's shoulder.
Bennett shook his head, "Leave me be Delehay, you had no issue with it when it was you." He shrugged his shoulder away from Delehay's grasp. "Besides, we weren't doing anything. Judd has made it painfully clear that he does not want to sleep with me."
Delehay shook his head, "Well I suppose I'll have to see for myself." He spoke, quickly continuing down the hall.
"Envy is a disease!" Bennett called down to him as he also continued in his own direction.
Delehay opened the door to see Judd standing next to the window, peering out. The man's head turned towards Delehay. "What is it?"
Seeing Judd not scrambling to put on his clothes or zip his pants didn't really come as a surprise. Enough time had already passed, Delehay concluded. But that didn't mean he still couldn't worm a confession out of Judd. "Were you just with Guy, then?"
"And so what of it if I was?"
Delehay's suspicions grew, "Well, he has a reputation."
Judd's head turned back out the window. "I know. And so do I, do I not? That should be good enough to answer any questions you have."
Judd had a point, Delehay knew Judd had a point. "Plenty of us have fallen victim. If you confess, I'm sure I at least can provide an empathetic point of view."
"If you're insinuating what I believe you to be, I am utterly revolted. I know of what Guy gets up to, I know who he gets up with, and I know he's gotten up with you. In fact I was probably the first to hear after it happened. But unlike you, I am platonically close with Guy. He is my friend. He has no reason to sleep with me, or to even try such an action. Am I understood, Delehay?" Judd's head turned slowly to his accuser, who now seemed much smaller.
Delehay didn't say a word, he just exited the room.
–
"You know Tommy, I think I finally understand you." Bennett spoke up.
Judd didn't turn to face Bennett, in fact he didn't even reply. He just expected for Bennett to carry on speaking, which of course, Bennett did.
"Yes, you're not lonely. You're just uninterested in me."
"Uninterested in men." Judd corrected.
Bennet shook his head, "Uninterested in anyone, I'd argue."
"That's illogical. You know of my usherette."
"You're uninterested in her, I know you are. As someone who's actually been in love, I know how the one you fancy can make you behave. You do not behave like a man in love."
Judd shook his head, "People can act differently when they're in love. Maybe it's because I'm not you that I act how I do."
"What is that meant to mean?"
"Not what you think it does."
Bennett rolled onto his stomach. "Tommy, would you ever give me a chance?"
"I think I'd be better off staying far, far away from you. As would anyone else." Judd replied.
Bennett grew a pout, "So you think I'd be better off alone then, is that it?" Judd shook his head. "Well that's what you essentially just said."
Judd chuckled, "It was simply a joke. If you want the true answer, I think our conversation earlier should suffice."
"It's embarrassing."
"I know it is, but since when have you ever let being embarrassed ruin your mood?"
"Goodness, Tommy, would you look at the situation for one second? It's not because I'm embarrassed, I'm in a sour mood, it's because you love me but refuse to act on it."
Judd snapped his head to Bennett, causing the man to recoil slightly. "I will not tolerate such accusations." He spoke, slamming his book shut. "Goodnight." And with that, Judd stood up and left the room. Leaving Bennett alone.
–
Bennett had been ignoring Judd, avoiding him, and Judd was beginning to suspect it was purposeful. Now, Judd had never thought a lack of Bennett would ever be a bad thing. It would just mean less pointless badgering. But Judd felt something was missing, there was a chasm that was so clear, it was painful. Or, for lack of nuance, Judd missed Bennett.
He missed reading Das Kapital to him, he missed trying to explain the passages, he missed hearing Bennett's voice and jokes, and he even missed Bennett's new insistence on hugging him, and kissing him. Judd wasn't weak, but he felt a softness for Bennett. It wasn't love, or it was but he wasn't in love, he wasn't sure what he wanted. Not a relationship and not a friendship, just something. It was hard to put words to, but what Judd supposed he meant was a relationship that was platonic with romantic aspects. Whatever that could be called he wasn't sure.
That's how he explained it to Bennett though, and Bennett was almost as equally confused. "You want to date me as a friend?" Questioned Bennett further.
"No, no, I don't want to date you. I don't want to just be friends either. I want to be your partner. Commit myself to you, validate you, be there for you, and you'd do the same for me, hopefully." Judd explained.
Bennett crossed his arms, "I don't think… I get it. So, am I allowed to see people, since we aren't dating?"
Judd nodded, "I suppose so, I mean I would consider it just a highly committed friendship. Think of a romantic relationship without romance."
"... Alright. I see… Well, I feel as if we're already in this sort of a relationship."
"Which is precisely why I don't believe anything has to change. I mean, are you not happy with our current relationship?" Judd asked.
"When you describe it the way you did, well, I suppose yes. I am happy to be like this with you. It is odd though, I was so sure since we first started talking that you would be the one I'd end up spending the rest of my life with." Bennett confessed.
Judd didn't reply for some time, but as his pupils shifted momentarily around the room, and then met Bennett's, he told the truth. He understood what he'd be committing to, and it didn't scare him, "We still can."