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Diluc is sure something is wrong with him. Very wrong. He’s freshly sixteen, He’s the youngest cavalry captain, he has great friends so, what more could he want?
Clearly, he wanted something more; he was watching all of his friends fall in love, listening to his little brother and Jean gush over their crushes and soon-to-be partners hurt. The look on their faces as they asked Diluc for advice, and how they described their feelings; all burned. When was it Diluc’s turn?
He saw how Jean and Lisa looked at each other, Diluc saw how Kaeya and Albedo looked at each other; He was watching as everyone fucking fell in love and moved on without him. Leaving him behind. The redhead wondered what it felt like to be in love; why can’t that be him ? Why couldn’t Diluc fall in love?
The captain curls further into himself in the dark of his bedroom, crying, with no noise coming out of his mouth. Was he…broken? Diluc had read many romantic novels, the butterflies in a person’s stomach, the feeling of love, and how spouses talked about each other and gave them unconditional support; were simply foreign to him, unlike the stories. But gods , did he want to experience it. It was borderline painful with how hard his thoughts and pure want stung him.
Diluc brings his knees tighter into his chest, trying so desperately to comfort himself in any way. All he wants is to fall so in love with someone it consumes him, he wants to love so gently and so effortlessly. The fact that he can’t fucking do any of that hurts more. All he does is want so desperately to be in love like Kaeya. Like Jean. Like Amber.
More hot went tears flow from his eyes, clumping in his eyelashes and falling onto his cheek, the fact that this all hurt so much was pathetic. It wasn’t his fault he was like this, he can’t help it! Diluc hiccups as loud sobs want to wretch from his throat; now sore from choking them down. He’s never been a pretty crier; mouth open and biting on his bottom lip, eyes scrunched and red. The teen’s hair is sticking to his face, and red curls swim, surrounding his shaking frame.
The Ragnvindr heir can’t imagine how everyone would react to the news that Diluc was…whatever he was. Oh, Gods , his father would be mortified, no love meant no heirs, no suitors -
All the redhead does is shake more, picturing the sheer disappointment on his Fathers face. He would let everyone down. He was useless .
It just hurts.
This scene reminds him of when Kaeya would sneak into his room late at night, tear tracks running down his face; spilling from those diamond blue eyes. The blunette would hold onto Diluc like a lifeline; the captain would awake to see it and hold Kaeya even tighter for the time being before he had to leave for patrol.
But Diluc was the stronger brother- he was the rock of the group. He couldn’t be weak when people needed him. Diluc had to be there for the people of Mondstat and his friends.
Yet here he was, sobbing into his knees and shaking like leaves that blow in Mondstats winds in the darkness of his bedroom, partially hiding under his sheets.
Surely- Kaeya would wake up…but- he wouldn’t mind if Diluc went into his brother’s bed for a change. Right?
So, as quietly as he could, he untangled himself, still feeling stray strands of hair sticking to his face, still feeling his knees shake, and still feeling the thick clumps of water in his ruby eyelashes. Diluc takes some deep, steadying breaths; he doesn’t know if they truly do anything to quell his miniature breakdown, however.
He sneaks out to his door purely from muscle memory because it’s pitch black in the large room. The redhead opens the door as quietly as possible, flinching at how the old door hinges creak at the movement; his unsteady hands do nothing to help. Diluc tries his best to keep his movements light, which is admittedly hard being a claymore user; it also doesn’t help with the fact he feels like he might fall over and puke at any given moment.
As he nears Kaeya’s door Diluc debates just turning around, no one should have to see him like this. He can only pray to Barbatos that Kaeya doesn't wake up as he opens the door and, as gently as he can, plops into the blunette’s bed; pulling himself under the covers and basking in the presence of someone safe. Diluc’s tears are still flowing slowly, but not nearly as much as before; he presses himself close to Kaeya, hugging him from behind.
Unfortunately for Diluc, Kaeya has always been a light sleeper. The captain feels his brother stir in his arms, surely feeling Diluc in his bed.
“ Hmph - Diluc?” Shit. Kaeya’s voice was quiet and laced together with sleep, barely audible. “Are you alright?” Right as the sentence leaves his mouth the younger turns over to face where Diluc is pressed up to him.
Diluc really should have stayed in his room.
Kaeya’s eye widens seemingly fully awake now, the redhead most likely still looked like shit if how he felt was anything to go by. “ Shit - did something happen?” Diluc felt even worse for causing his brother such distress over… this .
No matter how much he wants to run out of this room, out of this house, away from his desperate need of want; he buries his face into Kaeya’s shoulder.
The warmth that grows on his chest as Kaeya hesitantly wraps his arms around Diluc makes the tears come back. Why won’t they stop? The captain takes in a shaky breath before he starts one of the most terrifying conversations of his life, “I think something’s wrong with me Kae.” Diluc hates how he feels his brother tense, surely thinking of a scenario far worse.
“...What do you mean?” The blunette says apprehensively, Diluc never cried.
…
“Can you tell me what you love about Albedo?” The redhead doesn’t even know why he asks, he knows it’ll make everything worse maybe even make him sickly jealous, or maybe what he’s looking for is confirmation that he just can’t have what Kaeya does.
His little brother takes a deep breath before speaking in a quiet and soft, yet confused, tone, “Um- I love to listen to him ramble about all of his passion projects,” Kaeya lets out such a fond chuckle that Diluc can’t help but start to cry harder as his heart breaks. “And- um - the way his eyes look so bright while he talks, I could watch him and listen to him for hours. Albedo is quiet and shy, easy to fluster, maybe a bit brutally honest but once you learn all of his tells, they’re horribly endearing.”
And there it is. All the confirmation and a shattering truth. Kaeya’s voice is concerned but all soft and mushy and completely smitten. Diluc fights the urge to scream into the blunettes chest at how unfair it all was, but all that comes out are hiccups and more tears; dampening Kaeya’s sleep shirt.
The younger gasps at Diluc’s change of demeanor, what was he supposed to do? It was so unlike Diluc to come into his room and start sobbing into the crook of his neck; all of these combined, along with the questions about Albedo only made him more concerned.
“Are you…do you like Albedo ?” That has to be it, Kaeya can’t help but bristle at the thought.
“...That’s just it Kae…I think Barbatos made a mistake with me.”
“Because you fell in love..with my boyfriend?”
Diluc hiccups back more tears, he didn’t want to say it out loud. Why was this so hard? “ No Kae!” He’s trying to be quiet but all he can do is sob, Diluc Ragnvindr has always been a hopeless romantic, “I can’t fall in love- I’m fucking sixteen years old, and Ive never once had a crush! But I want to so bad Kaeya- but I can’t. I’m fucking broken. I’m a mistake.” The redhead pants, hoping he didn’t wake up the whole house. Now he’s just exhausted, Diluc had been crying for at least an hour and a half straight. He just clings to Kaeya tighter and sniffles into his shoulder, the only thing a child can do.
The blunette pats his back; honestly at a loss for words. What was he supposed to say to that? He was never much good at comforting others, but hearing and seeing his older brother like this only made him want to cry too. The least Kaeya can do is wait until Diluc isn’t on the verge of spiraling further; petting his curly red locks of hair.
Once the redhead’s breathing has calmed a bit and Kaeya’s shirt is completely damp is when he finds his voice, “I don’t know what it’s like but-”
“Of course, you don’t.” Diluc spits back, before freezing at the ferocity of his tone “Wait no I’m sorry-”
“It’s okay Lulu. Don’t think of yourself like that.” Kaeya takes a shaky deep breath in, processing how troubling Diluc’s words were. Thankfully Diluc just snuggles into him further. “It might be hard- but, there’s probably a word for how you feel. I’m even more sure that…the gods didn’t make a mistake on you.” Despite the archons… previous mistakes, Kaeya is willing to say anything right now.
The older exhales a shaky breath into Kaeya’s shoulder, “But its cruel.”
“Maybe.”
“...I don’t want everyone to fall in love and leave me alone.” It’s so quiet that Kaeya has to strain his ears to even hear it and it doesn’t fail to brakes Kaeya’s heart and make him feel for his older brother.
“We won’t Luc; I promise.” Kaeya can start to feel Dilucs breath even out in the crook of his neck; succumbing to sleep.
“Don’t tell anyone. Please Kae.”The redhead can’t bear to see nothing but pity on everyone’s faces, knowing that he can’t be a successful heir. A normal person. Maybe that’s why he went to Kaeya; Kaeya would never pity him and Diluc wouldn’t either. Never. He just hopes Kaeya can keep this secret, after all, he’s good at it.
“I would never betray you like that.”
“Thank you.”
“Of course Lulu, get some sleep.” The younger tries to make his voice even and soft; he can’t imagine how long Diluc has been up. Kaeya tries not to dwell on the fact that he might have said something that he couldn’t keep; he would never out Diluc, but the thought of betrayal will continue to lay dormant in the back of his mind for years on end.
“I love you Kaeya.”
Squeezing his brother impossibly tighter, willing himself not to cry, “I love you too Luc, So much.”
Diluc falls into sleep grateful that he snuck out, it didn’t solve everything but it helped. Now he hopes he can survive the night through Kaeya’s awful snoring.