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“Your love for humans will be your downfall.”
He really should’ve paid more attention to those words, should’ve considered just how true they were, instead of brushing them off as something that was said just to get under his skin.
“Your very love for people means that you can’t abandon anybody, and you will be crushed to death by everything you burden.”
He hated those words, more than anything. They clung to him, dug into his mind, resurfaced anytime he thought he was getting better.
“You will be mangled by love – and you will be poisoned to death by it.”
Why? Why did he have to be reminded of those cruel words? Why did he have to be further reminded of the gap between him and humanity, despite how he so desperately tried to close said gap?
It wasn’t fair.
Shouldn’t he be allowed to act as a human too? After everything he’s done to prove his humanity to everyone… did he really have to keep fighting just to show that he’s the same as everyone else?
Demon king. Monster.
Those words haunted him late at night, when he was the only one awake in the quiet dorm. He would hear the steady breathing of his roommates, the occasional shifting of blankets when one of them would turn to lay differently.
Sometimes he found himself staring at Eichi through the wall partition, red eyes almost glowing in the dim light of his lamp. He would watch the way his blankets would rise and fall with each breath Eichi took, some shakier than the others depending on if he was in a lot of pain that night or not.
There was once when Rei entertained the idea of wrapping his fingers around Eichi’s pale throat and squeezing until there was no sign of life.
Admittedly, the idea terrified him when it had entered his mind. He had never once considered inflicting violence on others, hated the thought of hurting people, so…why did that thought find its way into his mind?
He blamed it on tiredness, despite being more aware of things in the night.
He’s been trying to fix his sleeping schedule, trying to stay awake more during the day and sleeping at night, because then he would be able to hang out with his friends more often. But it’s failed more often than not, and he very often found himself lying awake at night, the sounds of steady breathing being his only companion.
That was just another thing that set him apart from everyone, wasn’t it? His body naturally craved to be more active during the night, even if he had done a lot during the day in an attempt to exhaust himself.
He hated it. It made things difficult.
Why couldn’t he have just been normal?
Well…it’s not like those around him were exactly normal either, but at the very least, they were treated more normally than he was. Even Ritsu was treated better, but then again, that may also be because of everything Rei has done to make sure he wouldn’t be treated the same way, wouldn’t be pushed away and shoved to the shadows just because he was different.
It had already been bad enough that Ritsu hadn’t been able to do much as a kid due to his weak health. Rei considered it a blessing in disguise when hearing about how Ritsu had become friends with Mao, because at least now he wouldn’t be alone.
Meanwhile, Rei…continued to be pushed further and further away from humanity, held to the same standards that one would hold for a god, praised and admired constantly for his knowledge. Knowledge of which he only gained because he had nothing to do during the nighttime, so he would go through the various types of books that sat on the bookshelves in their living room.
Some of them hadn’t been touched in what seemed like years, if the dust that had collected on them over time proved anything. And yet, despite that, Rei would carefully pick out different books each night, wipe off any dust, and retreat to his room to read with only a lamp as his light until morning.
He met Keito because of the knowledge he gained, and he supposed maybe their meetings made some things worth it, but…it wasn’t fair. He got to witness the way Keito’s eyes seemed to practically sparkle anytime he had a new topic he wanted to talk about with Rei, would listen to him ramble on and on about it before offering his own comments, easily tearing down certain arguments.
He would watch as Keito kept coming back anytime Rei showed up at a funeral home, always ready to talk to him.
It wasn’t fair how Keito seemed to be so…human. Why didn’t Rei get to have that same experience? Why didn’t he get to act like a clueless kid who didn’t know just how small he was compared to the rest of the world?
Why did he have to be treated so differently from everyone else? It just…it wasn’t fair. Life wasn’t fair, it will never be fair, he’s come to realize that over the last few years.
No matter what he did, no matter what he said, he’s realized he’s always going to be disconnected from humanity. Even if he cried, screamed out at the top of his lungs that he was human, just like everyone else, even if he gave physical proof that he bled just like everyone else… The gap was too big, and he was unable to do anything to cross it.
“Our demon king, and a monster overflowing with more humanity than everybody else in this entire world…”
If he was supposedly overflowing with humanity, then why did no one seem to realize that? Why wasn’t he allowed to chase after his own dream? Why? Why did he-
“Sakuma-senpai?”
Rei was forced back to reality when hearing a familiar voice call his name. He blinked a few times, trying to focus back on what was going on, his gaze settling on his unitmate, who was currently looking at him with quite a worried look.
He then looked around at their surroundings, remembering that they had gone to a cafe together as a unit, a new one that had just opened up that Adonis had wanted to check out. Although…he couldn’t see Adonis or Kaoru anywhere.
His gaze fell to the table in front of him, blinking upon realizing his hands were shaking. Ah, right… he had started to feel faint and had gone ahead to sit down while leaving his order up to the others. And the reason he felt faint was because he had forgotten to take his iron pills earlier, having been in a slight rush to get ready so that he could meet up with his unit in time.
Really… he needed to be more careful about that, but he had just wanted to spend as much time with his unit as possible without worrying about anything else.
“Sakuma-senpai,” Koga spoke again when Rei didn’t respond, sitting across from him and setting a cup down in front of him, “I got your drink. Can ya stop zonin’ out now?”
Rei’s gaze settled on the drink, shifting to carefully grab it. It was nice and warm under his fingers, a pleasant, welcome feeling compared to how cold he usually felt. “Of course. Thank you, Wanko.”
Koga huffed at the nickname, would've made a comment on it like usual if the current circumstances were different, but the worry in his gaze didn’t seem to go away as he watched the way Rei tried to lift his cup…and nearly dropped it. Koga was quick to react, reaching out and grabbing the drink so that it wouldn’t fall out of Rei’s trembling hands, even carefully taking it from his senior and setting it on the table.
“Here,” Koga picked up a nearby fork, breaking off a piece of the snack cake he had gotten with it and offering it to Rei, “have some of this before ya try to pick up your drink again.”
Rei reached to grab the fork from Koga, making a confused noise when it was pulled out of his reach, looking at the silver haired with a curious gaze. Koga only stared back at him, reaching his other hand out and placing it over Rei’s, pushing it to the table.
“I’m not gonna allow ya to nearly drop somethin’ again.”
Ah, right. That made sense.
Rei didn’t make any complaints, letting Koga feed him the piece of snack cake. It was quite nice, sweet but not too sweet. He hummed in satisfaction at the taste, offering a smile to Koga.
If he had been thinking clearer, he would’ve made a teasing remark about how what Koga did was a very romantic thing to do, but he was still taking the time to process things.
He was offered a few more bites, all of which Rei had gladly accepted, before he was allowed to attempt picking up his drink again. He didn’t miss the way Koga watched him to make sure he wouldn’t drop it, ready to grab it again if needed.
It was such a simple gesture, but it made Rei’s heart flutter in his chest.
His dear, sweet Koga, worrying so much about him… He didn’t deserve such treatment, really. He didn’t deserve to see Koga looking at him with so much admiration, so much love , so easily following anything he said.
Rei had tried setting him free, tried telling him to go enjoy his life around other people, because really, he deserved better than to chase after a man whose hands were dirtied from a war he was forced to play in.
And yet… Koga came running back. He still chased after Rei, still waited for him to return whenever he would go abroad, still did what he could for UNDEAD when Rei was busy.
His cute, precious pup, always waiting for his return…
Really, what did Rei do to deserve this? He was a weak, pathetic being, a shell of what a human was supposed to be. There was a never ending bridge between him and humanity, and yet…despite all of that, Koga still reached for him.
And one day, one day Koga swore to grasp Rei’s hands in his own and bring him across that bridge, no matter what it took.
“By the way,” Rei spoke again to break the silence that had settled over them, taking a sip of his drink before continuing, “where are Adonis-kun and Kaoru-kun?”
Koga waved a hand in the air, stabbing the snack cake with his fork and breaking off a piece to eat. If this had happened a couple years ago, he would’ve sobbed over the fact of having used the same fork that Rei had, would’ve squealed over the idea of an indirect kiss.
But he didn’t. Because he’s grown, and shared actual kisses with Rei, so why should he get worked up over the idea of an indirect one?
“Hakaze-senpai was called to help out with some new sea creatures that arrived for the marine club,” Koga explained, taking another bite of the cake, “Adonis went with him to help out, and ’cause he wanted to see Zakki.”
Rei let out a soft ‘ah’ at that, followed by an amused chuckle. “Ah, so much for hanging out as a unit…what a shame. But it’s good to hear that Kaoru-kun is still helping out with things like that.”
Koga shrugged in response, offering a piece of the cake to Rei, watching as he willingly ate it off of the fork. “We always have other times to hang out, so I don’t mind.”
“Mm, good point.” Rei’s gaze never left Koga, admiring how he looked. He tilted his head, before reaching over and carefully wiping away some crumbs that were on Koga’s cheek, his hand lingering for a moment.
He could’ve sworn his heart was going to melt into a gooey, messy puddle as he watched Koga lean into his touch. He stared in absolute awe when a gentle kiss was pressed to his palm before he fully moved his hand away.
He was still getting used to being in a relationship with someone, but especially being in a relationship with Koga. He knew the younger admired him–why, he still couldn’t quite figure out–but it was a completely different story when it came to talking about romantic feelings.
Why would Koga want him and not someone who was more human?
Was he selfish for indulging in this? Surely he had to be. The only thing that could possibly come out of being in a relationship is him tainting the other person. He didn’t want to do that to Koga. He didn’t-
His thoughts were interrupted from a pain shooting through his palm, causing him to yelp and bring his hand to his chest, blinking as he stared at Koga.
“Wh…did you just bite me?”
Koga huffed, pointing the fork at Rei. “You were gettin’ lost in your mind again. Had to do somethin’ to get your attention.”
Rei pouted, rubbing the area Koga had bit, giving a fake sniffle. “Bad Wanko. I thought I had trained you better.”
“Wha- ya didn’t train me at all! And I’m not a dog, I’m a wolf!”
“Same difference.”
“It is not !”
Rei couldn’t help but softly laugh, feeling relaxed from their usual playful bickering. He got up to throw away his cup, not missing the way Koga followed, watching Rei to see if he needed to help him keep his balance.
Really… Koga was going to be the death of him. He didn’t deserve his kindness.
Rei was able to throw away his trash without any problems, although he still felt a bit dizzy. He felt a hand rest on his lower back, causing him to turn his head to the side and look at Koga, who was standing at his side and not looking at him.
If Rei focused well enough, he could see that the tips of Koga’s ears were tinted red. It made him want to grab Koga and hold him close, never wanting to let go.
After making sure all of their trash was thrown away, Rei left the cafe with Koga, heading back to Seisou Hall, since they didn’t really have any other plans. Koga had texted Adonis, informing him that they were heading back to the dorms, before putting his phone away and focusing on the walk.
A comfortable silence settled between them, neither feeling like it was necessary to talk, simply taking in each other’s presence.
At some point during the walk, when there was no one else around, Rei had reached and gently grabbed Koga’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Koga had at first been startled from suddenly feeling a cold hand against his own, but had no complaints, even giving Rei’s hand a gentle squeeze.
And when they arrived back at the dorms and were standing in front of Koga’s, Rei watched as he got the door open, blinking when Koga didn’t immediately go inside.
He tilted his head in curiosity when the younger turned around to face him, making a noise of surprise from Koga grabbing the front of his shirt and tugging him down into a firm kiss. After properly registering what was going on, Rei closed his eyes and rested his hands on Koga’s hips, bringing him closer.
He was so glad that Tatsumi wasn’t around at the moment.
The kiss ended way sooner than Rei would’ve liked, he even expressed this by giving a small whine, but was silenced from Koga pecking his lips.
“Take better care of yourself,” Koga mumbled while they were still close to each other, “or else.”
Rei smiled, rubbing his thumb along Koga’s hip, nudging their noses together. “I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try. Is that good enough?”
“For now.” Koga was the one to put distance between them, stepping into his room and resting a hand on the doorknob, looking at Rei. “Go rest, Sakuma-senpai. We can talk more when you’re not on the brink of passin’ the fuck out.”
Rei chuckled, leaning forward long enough to press a lingering kiss to Koga’s forehead before stepping back. “Of course. Talk to you later.” He was offered a wave before the door closed, giving a proper end to their little moment.
Maybe, he thought as he made his way to his own dorm, maybe it was okay to occasionally be selfish, if it meant he got to make Koga happy.
He will never understand why Koga had fallen for someone like him, a tainted monster who couldn’t even take proper care of himself, a mere decaying shell of what a human should be, but…maybe he didn’t need to know. Maybe it was better that he didn’t know.
There were a lot of mysteries he still had no idea about, still so many unanswered questions, but at the very least… Rei wasn’t alone anymore. He wasn’t wandering aimlessly in the dark, even if there were days when he felt like he was, when his vision couldn’t focus and he felt like he was on the brink of death after days of working too much with little sleep finally caught up to him.
He didn’t have to cry out to an endless void, hoping, begging someone to acknowledge him as something other than a horrible, ruthless demon who crushed everything and everyone below him. Because, for whatever reason, Koga looked up to him, acknowledged him and chased after him even after he had tried to set him free.
He saw him differently and it made Rei’s heart ache in his chest.
So, just for now, Rei would allow himself to be selfish, if only so he could hold Koga close and take in his warmth, take in all the affection Koga was willing to give him, all the love he held for him. Even if he felt as though Koga would be better off with someone else, someone more human, he still let himself be selfish and clutch him close.
Everyone deserved to be a little selfish every so often, after all…even the defeated demon king.