Chapter Text
Max picked up a box from the back seat and winced a bit as she moved before turning towards her new home.
A trailer that looked like it had seen better days.
The white of it fading into a yellowish tinge.
The windows, dusty and dark.
The yard rained with dirt, dead grass, and missing patches.
It was different.
And she wasn't sure yet if it was different in a bad way or a good way.
Her feet dragged as she moved through the front door and into the back of the trailer.
And she felt like she wasn't meant to be there, and like she was at the same time.
It felt wrong, the hall, the room, the house. It all felt like a bad dream.
Like it was meant for someone else, meant for something else.
And yet . . . and yet . . . It felt right. Right in the way that she didn't have to stare into Billy's empty room every morning when she went off to see Lucas.
Right in that she didn't have to hear Billy yelling at her from the hallway when she knew he couldn't possibly be there.
Right in a way that put her at ease with herself.
In a way that made her breath easier because she didn't have to see a ghost everywhere she went.
She sat the box carefully down on her bed and then turned to go and get another one.
That had been her afternoon.
Mom had to work and she had to get all the boxes inside before nightfall.
They didn't have the money to keep the U-Haul for more than a day so she'd been sweating her ass off in the heat trying to get everything situated.
And she hated it.
Hated the way the neighbors stared at her every time she exited and entered her new house, like she was a zoo animal or a lab rat.
She was tempted to sneer at the lot of them the next time they leaned over to whisper to one another.
It's not like she didn't know them.
It's not like her and her mom didn't have to take a day off, so that they could come to look at and approve the purchase where they came and introduced themselves in a hurry.
So it was down right annoying to watch them swarm and gawk now.
She exited the house and saw Mr. Flanery who lived directly behind her. He liked to keep an American flag outside of his house and surrounded his property with a fence that you could step right over.
Max thought the fence was stupid, why have a fence if it didn't even deter people from getting close to your house.
She shook her head.
It was probably the paranoia.
He was an old war vet that didn't know what to do with himself.
And she could already see that his time there ate at him a bit.
Made him jumpy and on edge around others.
He had been fucked over by the government and left to rot in a ratty trailer park on the edge of nowhere Indiana, it almost made her feel sorry for him.
Almost.
But when she glanced over there she could see he was leaned over and talking to Mr. and Mrs. Cadugal like he had anything to talk about.
Shooting glances at her like she was his business, she scoffed to herself.
Like he had any room to be whispering about others.
At least the Cadugal's had the decency to look away from her when she walked by them.
They were a younger couple that lived to the right of her. Their place was lathered with flowers, all fake. Dangling down from their roof and planted in their yard like they were trying to impress somebody.
They had offered her and her mother a beer when they closed the house. Walking out and over to them with one in each hand.
Max was surprised they offered her one, and declined it. Her mother was only too happy to take it sipping away as they laughed and she stayed silent.
They seemed nice enough but Max didn't like the looks that they flashed her sometimes.
Mrs. Cadugal something like jealousy, and Mr. Cadugal something like violence. Something she had seen in Neil a few to many times.
She always made sure not to linger when they were around. Afraid they may kidnap her and sell her off to the highest bidder.
She walked up to the car and pulled out another box. This one lighter and more forgiving then the several others she'd had to drag inside today and saw a few other faces.
Her other neighbors.
Mark and his dog Chester sat beside the Cadugals and Mr. Flanery. She didn't know his last name, he had come up and introduced himself as Mark and let it be.
He lived to the left of them, in a shabby one bedroom trailer that looked so small it was ridiculous.
She had seen him skulking around a few times that day. Always just out of the corner of her eye.
He seemed a bit creepy to her, but all in all harmless.
Like a man who tended to stay to himself.
Even now he seemed out of place Like the others had pulled him into the conversation and he'd rather be anywhere else.
She let her eyes wander around a bit as she stood up straighter and hefted the box in her hands a bit higher to get a better grip.
Eyes raking over a tall man across the way from her.
He had also been one of the neighbors who introduced himself a few days ago.
Though he was the only one who came off as a normal guy.
The only one who had given his full name, Wayne Munson.
He worked up at the old car manufacturing plant.
He had been greasy and looked tired but had still walked over and talked to them for a few minutes before disappearing into his house.
He mentioned he had a nephew who stayed with him but Max hadn't seen him yet.
Wayne had just stepped out of his truck, still in some work gear and had flashed the others a disgruntled look.
One that looked like disappointment and sternness. Like he was chastising them with only his eyes.
The look wouldn't have meant much if he hadn't stopped and stared them down with it until they had the wear with all to look a bit guilty as they shuffled away into their houses.
And it almost made her laugh.
The man had just fathered them so hard they felt ashamed of themselves.
And then he glanced her way and gave a firm nod before turning and also disappearing into his home.
Yah he was definitely her favorite neighbor so far.
She let her shoulders fall a bit as she started walking towards the house again.
She was finally alone.
And now she wasn't so sure she wanted to be.
Sure the looks no longer being on her made her feel a bit better.
But now she was also left with just her thoughts.
She sat the box down in the living room and went out for another.
And that was scary.
Being left alone with her own thoughts wasn't a pleasant experience anymore and so she hurried to finish with the boxes.
When she pulled the last one from the U-Haul she felt nothing but relief as she slid the keys under a rock.
Mom had already talked to the Cadugals earlier that day, they already promised to take the U-Haul back for them.
Max had said she'd leave the key under the rock next to the van. Because like hell she was going to knock on their door and give it to them.
Catching the eyes of one Wayne Munson as he shuffled out of his house again and waved at her.
A nice balm on her fried nerves as he glanced around them before smiling and getting back in his truck to rush off again.
She had seen him a few times as she finished up pulling box after box inside.
Just a glance to two out of his window at her.
And she knew it was nothing malicious.
It wasn't gossipy or whispered insults like the others had been.
She could see it in his eyes when he looked out at her and then around them like he had done before he left.
He was checking to make sure no one was messing with her.
Checking to make sure that she was ok.
It was subtle and Max appreciated that.
And it was nice, Max appreciated that as well.
She hadn't had the heart to tell her mom before they moved in.
But the place and the people there gave her the chills.
She walked the last box inside after locking up the truck.
Completely relieved to be out of the sun and away from her neighbors for the rest of the night.
She made her way into her room and flopped down on her bed.
She couldn't stop the sigh that escaped her as she did it.
In only a few months her life had completely changed.
She reached down and opened the box she had just brought inside, rifling through the contents and pulling out an old shirt of Neil's she had borrowed and he had forgotten about.
She couldn't help the flinch as it scaled down her being at the sight of it, making her insides feel like glass. And she was quick to ball it up and throw it into the trash can.
She was happy when Neil left.
He was an asshole.
And the thought of him left a bad taste in her mouth.
But she wasn't happy about what his departure had done to them, to her and her mom.
She looked around her room and sighed.
Mom had been . . . had been devastated to say the least.
She cried herself to sleep most nights for the first few weeks.
But then the money started running dry and she was forced to get a second job.
And now. . . now Max was lucky to see her for more than a few minutes a day.
And when she did see her she was always drunk.
Always mumbling to herself or shouting.
Shouting so loud that Max was sure the neighbors had to hear them.
And then every morning she'd get a crying apology.
One that made her guilty and cold and she just forgave her.
Because what else was she supposed to do?
It was her fault her mom was like this.
Her fault that Billy was dead.
Her fault . . .
She pulled more things out of the box.
A few shirts, a few books, a few papers.
A mix tape Lucas had made for her.
And she stopped.
She held it for a moment and couldn't pull her eyes away.
She could remember when he had given it to her.
A week after the Byers had left.
She had jumped and hugged him and it had felt like something she could hold on too.
But Lucas didn't know.
Didn't know that her whole life came tumbling down around her when the Byers left.
It was her fault really.
She could have said something.
Could have told him what was going on at home.
But she hadn't.
She had bottled all that shit up and just acted like everything was normal.
Acted like she wasn't falling apart.
And then not three weeks later she had broken up with him.
She had left him in the arcade parking lot in the rain as she skateboarded home and never looked back.
She could remember his face when she said it.
Could remember the surprise first.
He hadn't seen it coming.
She hadn't really either.
They were just there playing games and laughing and then they weren't and she.
She just couldn't take it.
And so before she could stop herself, she had turned and just said it.
Had thought she'd feel bad, had thought she'd take it back like she always did.
Had thought she was just overwhelmed from everything going on at home.
But she was wrong.
When she said it she didn't feel bad.
And she didn't want to take it back.
She felt relieved, like there was one less thing she had to worry about.
Like she didn't have to keep up with the smiles she didn't want to force on her face anymore.
And he was shocked. Most of their break ups happened after fights.
After arguing and yelling at each other.
This one hadn't, this one had come after laughs and smiles.
And she could see that he saw it.
That this wasn't like all their other breakups. . .
After the surprise came the pleading.
And that's when the sadness really did hit.
When the fear and loneliness and guilt ripped at her.
But still she stayed silent, let him speak, let him get it all out.
And she told him no.
And that was that.
She hadn't seen him all this week.
And she was glad for that.
Because she was weak.
If he had come to her at all this week, she didn't think she'd have the strength to tell him no again.
And she knew that was the wrong choice.
The bad option.
And so the new house became a blessing for that too.
Lucas no longer knew where she lived.
He wouldn't be able to come knocking on her door in the middle of the night trying to get her back.
She got up from her bed and moved around the room.
She spent the rest of the day wrestling with the place.
Finding a place to stash things.
And moving furniture around until everything fit where it should.
It left her exhausted.
It left her tired and hungry in the best kind of way.
The kind of way where you couldn't think of anything else.
She walked into the kitchen and started opening the cupboards hoping that her mom remembered to get some food before going off to work.
Sadly that wasn't the case.
And now Max had a choice to make.
Go to the store or go hungry.
She felt her stomach rumble.
Felt it expand and contract within her.
And she also felt her feet.
The way they dragged and stumbled as she walked.
She felt her arms and the shooting pains that dragged through her limbs.
She felt the falling of her eyelids ready to close.
She glanced out front, the U-Haul was gone.
No ride.
And she knew, if she tried walking to the store, she'd probably pass out before she had even gotten there.
She had no strength left.
After working all day already on an empty stomach she just didn't have anything left in her.
And so she took a shower instead. She turned on the tap and waited for it to heat up, but it never did.
Her mom must have forgotten to turn on the heat.
But at the moment she just didn't care.
Just couldn't care.
So she stripped and got in.
Feeling the sharp cold stabs as they washed over her.
And she tried not to think.
Because thinking only led to bad things now.
Only led to tears and fear and emotions that she couldn't keep bottled up inside her.
So when she got used to the cold she quickly got out.
Unable to stand the idea of her mind wandering without the distraction of temperature.
And quickly got into bed.
Hoping that the sinking fatigue she felt seeping into her bones, pushed her off to sleep quickly.
But it didn't.
She tossed and turned, and her stomach ate at her.
It screamed and yelled and begged to be given something.
But she had nothing to give it.
Where was her mom?
She should have been home by now.
Should have been back from her second job and the bar by this time.
And her not being there made Max feel both relieved and scared.
Relieved because she wouldn't have to take care of her tonight.
And scared because, what if she didn't come back?
Max couldn't lose someone else, couldn't stand it. Wouldn't be able to live through it again.
Her mom was all she had left.
And it didn't really matter if she had hit a hard bump in her life.
She'd get over it soon.
And then everything would go back to normal.
She just needed to get over Neil.
She just needed to move on and she'd be just fine.
She rolled over with her small revelation and tried to sleep again.
But her stomach was still persistent.
She sighed.
And then got up.
She slunked around her new room.
Taking in every crevice and coroner. Listening outside to the crowning of the cats and the sifting of the unending night.
And she just couldn't. She couldn't stand the soft noises, couldn't stand the silence, the loneliness.
And so she shuffled over to a box.
One she had purposefully left in the corner .
One she had refused to unpack earlier, and ripped it open.
Inside was a Walkman.
And so many tapes that Max didn't know what to do with them all.
Didn't know half of the names or most of the bands.
But she had to take them with.
She couldn't leave them, couldn't throw them away.
She had to save something, couldn't let him just disappear completely.
Even if every time she even glanced at the box it filled her with dread.
They were Billy's.
The last thing Neil hadn't destroyed in his wired drunken burst of aggression and depression. and her mom hadn't thrown away as she went through the house in her own weird trance.
She had saved them.
They had been something she hadn't been allowed to touch when he was alive.
He had screamed at her up and down to never go near them.
But well that didn't mean much now that he was dead.
Max even liked to think that he'd have thanked her for taking care of them if he saw her now.
He loved these, loved his music. And loved the cassettes and the Walkman.
He had owned the Walkman before they met, but had continuously bought more tapes as they grew together.
She had seen him too many times as they grew up walking around with it.
Listening to tape after tape.
Had seen him treasure them and love them.
She had told herself she wouldn't.
Couldn't touch them.
Just keep them around and make sure they stayed safe.
Safe from Neil who broke everything he touched.
Safe from her mom who threw away anything that reminded her of bad times.
And safe from herself, who always found some way to fuck things up.
But she couldn't take it anymore.
Couldn't take the silence cutting into her flesh, strand by strand leaving her bloody and raw anymore.
And so Max was extra careful as she reached down and picked up the player and then grabbed a random tape from the pile.
Something she'd never heard of.
A band she'd never seen before.
Love At First Sting by Scorpion
The name alone gave her pause.
It certainly didn't sound like something Billy would have listened to.
But the cover told her differently.
A man and a woman hugging close, seductively.
And she took back her first impression.
She softly took the cassette out and placed it into the Walkman.
She started to hear the music as she stumbled her way over to her bed to grab a blanket.
The music sounded like him, like something he'd listen to.
Heavy guitars and powerful drums, and a voice that sounded like it was screaming softly.
She walked to the other side of her room as she continued to listen.
And casually opened the blinds and the window.
Letting the coolness escape and allowing herself to be slammed with the warmth of summer.
With the dewy mist of a humid night.
And it helped settle her a bit.
And she breathed it in, letting it consume her.
The same shitty air that Billy had detested filled her lungs and she finally began to come down a bit.
And then moved again.
Lifting up the warm cotton to her face she slumped into a corner of her room.
Scrunching herself up as she wrapped the linens around her body and placed her head on her knees.
And she watched.
Watched the night as it passed her and the music switched songs.
She liked this one much more than she had the other.
. . .Yes, I'm leaving you
I've got to go tonight. . .
And as the lyrics filled her head she was once again hit with a feeling of not knowing.
Of not understanding Billy at all.
The beat and the chords sounded exactly like something he'd like.
But the words.
The words did not.
. . .I can't stay
I can't stay . . .
And she wasn't foolish enough to not realize that the song reminded her of him, reminded her of Billy.
Remind her of that night in Starcourt.
Reminded her of him giving himself to save Eleven.
And made her wonder, made her nostalgic and wanting instead of guilty and sad like she normally felt when thoughts of him entered her head.
. . .Keep me in your mind till I
Come back to love ya. . .
The lyrics made her yearn.
Made her wish that someday, somewhere that they could have been siblings.
Made her imagine that he was there.
That he survived that day and that he cared.
That he finally cared about her.
. . .Baby you, shouldn't feel so blue
Shouldn't feel so blue when I'm gone. . .
And she couldn't stop a single tear as it fell from her eye before quickly wiping it away.
She couldn't cry, didn't deserve it.
She was the one who lived, so she was the one who'd have to carry on with strength and guilt.
She was glad when the song switched again.
A soft guitar strumming her ears as she strained to listen to the words
. . .Boy you're home, you're dreaming, don't you know
That you're still far away. . .
And this time the song didn't remind her of him.
The words filled her head and made her woozy.
Made her lethargic and drunk on the sounds.
Like they were a drug.
Like they were the only thing she could understand.
And they were the only thing that could understand her.
. . .Year after year out on the road
It's great to be here to see you all. . .
When the drums kicked in it felt like all the air left her lungs.
And she was able to forget.
Forget about Billy.
Forget about her mom, and Neil and Lucas.
. . .Day after day out on the road
There's no place too far that we wouldn't go. . .
She felt it as her body came down.
As she felt relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever.
She felt as her anxiety began to ebb and flow away from her and as her eyes drooped.
And even though she knew she'd feel it tomorrow.
Feel her bones and muscles tense and ache from the position she was in.
She couldn't find it in herself to get up.
Couldn't find it in herself to ruin the peace that she had found for herself.
And she drifted off with the smell of summer and the open heat on her face, with the sound of a rumbling engine and a red light streaking across her vision.