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all mingi wanted to do was go to the bathroom, but when he looked down, he noticed a far too familiar stain in his boxers.
naturally, those thoughts flooded his brain. thoughts he hadn't experienced so severely in quite awhile now... not because it isn't a monthly occurrence (the man has yet to decide if he even wants to go on testosterone), but because hell, his mind just hates him today, huh.
maybe it’s all the talk from his family about being a “powerful, successful woman”. he doesn't disagree that their family is filled with successful educated women, he just hates that it's directed towards him. he isn't a woman.
maybe it’s all of his female friends mentioning their monthly cycles and cramps often lately. it makes him uncomfortable, but he doesn't want to be the one to tell them to stop. he knows how societally unacceptable it is to talk about it and he doesn't want to take away the safe space they have.
maybe it's the fans’ constantly calling him a princess. it's not a term he usually minds, most times he likes being a manly princess who is a boy, but recently atiny have been hyperfocusing on his femininity. the amount of posts he sees talking about his "tits" or how "pretty" he is have been building with the fandom's growth after the hala hala music video came out. he should get off the internet sometimes.
seeing the tint of red sets him off when it usually doesn't, a build up of the dysphoria he's been burying down exploding like a bomb into his conscious mind, and suddenly he wants to die. he wants to cut off his chest and rip out his organs - let a different type of blood bleed from his body for once. at least then he’ll feel more like a man.
these thoughts cloud his mind as he sits in the dorm bathroom. he doesn't realize how long he's been sitting there until he hears a knock on the door and the familiar voice of their captain.
“mingi-yah, how long are you gonna be? half of us still have to shower tonight and the others are getting antsy with both bathrooms occupied.”
mingi camping in the bathroom isn't an unusual behavior - hongjoong doesn't have any reason to be suspicious of the situation - but when mingi doesn't respond for a whole minute his calm voice becomes laced with concern.
“mingi, are you alright?” he knocks again. “if you need some space just tell me, i just want a response.”
mingi’s response was so quiet, hongjoong nearly didn't pick it up.
“can you get a pair of underwear and a pad, please?”
“oh, of course baby. i’ll be right back.”
a slight frown spawned on hongjoong’s face as he walks to mingi's room. no wonder his boyfriend wasn't talking, usually he takes care of his menstrual issues himself. the fact that he's asking hongjoong to help means he does not want to leave the bathroom, even for a split second.
the more he thought about it, the more severe his dysphoria became apparent to hongjoong. it's been over a year since mingi was so overwhelmed by dysphoria he could barely talk, was he hiding things again? was mingi falling into the headspace of not feeling like he could trust his family? were people outside the company picking apart his body language? whatever it may be, it was concerning hongjoong to the nth degree. he knows what it's like to feel you can't talk to the people around you, and he never wants mingi to feel like that about his boyfriends.
he returned within the minute and passed the products over to mingi, opting to wait at the door while he takes care of it just in case his boyfriend needs anything. in the meantime, he slipped his phone out of his pocket, sending a quick text to eden about not coming into the studio tomorrow and sending a text to yunho asking for him to make sure they have mingi’s favorite chocolates and to get their boyfriends ready for a movie night. yunho texts back near immediately with a “got it, tell gi-yah i love him”.
hongjoong voiced yunho’s text through the door to mingi, understandably not getting a response. but hongjoong knows he appreciates yunho’s message.
he doesn't confront mingi about his feelings, opting to stay quiet until mingi opens up a little to him. he doesn't want to say anything to upset the man further, he knows first hand how sensitive mingi's dysphoria can be at its worst. he's been the person mingi swore at, cried at, laughed at - sometimes all at the same time - because hongjoong set him off in the slightest of wrong ways. over the years of their training, hongjoong learned to understand what set him off and why they did. little comments about his rapping, questions about his identity, sometimes even the implication he is not a cis man could bring back bad memories or make him start to spiral. triggering mingi or making him more uncomfortable and dysphoric is the worst thing hongjoong could ever do during mingi's vulnerable moments, so he choses to stand to the side and be an emotional support when mingi needs it.
it takes 10 more minutes for mingi to emerge from the bathroom, looking much smaller than his confident self was earlier in the day. hongjoong nodded and gave a soft smile and he scurried past to his room. a minute later, he scurried back wearing his largest softest hoodie and pajama pants. hongjoong took his hand into his own and led him out to ateez’s shared living space.
mingi’s mind turned foggy and dull with fatigue and overthinking. as he walked into their living room and sat down on the couch, the boys slowly started joining him and hongjoong, telling him how handsome he looked today or how they loved him. he appreciated them so much, and usually the words would help fend off his dysphoria, but today the words were not getting processed in his brain- going into one ear and getting lost in his mind fog. he voices this quietly to hongjoong, not perceiving any reaction the man could have given him, his brain too busy floating in the grey clouds of his mind.
yunho was the last to join them, handing mingi a bag of his favorite chocolates with a kiss on his forehead. while the boys fought over what movie they wished to watch (taking mingi’s lack of a responsiveness as a go ahead to choose between themselves) hongjoong inched towards him and put his face into mingi’s neck.
“no matter what you feel, we’re here for you. i know you don't like talking at the moment and that you're having a hard time listening, but don't hesitate to tell me if you need to hear something from me or you want me to do something with or for you. i’ll always be here, all of your boyfriends will always be here. we want to support our boyfriend on his off days as much as you support us. we love you mingi.”
somehow, hongjoong’s message broke through his brain fog of dysphoria. it wasn't anything that could cure his feelings, but that's not anything his boyfriends could do nor what they are here to do. they support him, especially when they can't do anything to help. they still see him as their boyfriend and not some freak loser they want to get rid of.
sometimes, not focusing on gender and instead on love can help your dysphoria. mingi realized that moment with hongjoong pressed against his neck, is that sometimes all he needs is a little love.
“can we cuddle, joongie?” a whisper made for only hongjoong to hear.
hongjoong gave one of his soft, reassuring smiles - the type that could cure him of his cramps - and dragged mingi onto his lap. he wrapped his arms around him, letting mingi rest against his chest, while he nuzzled the back of his neck. the boys had finally chosen on a movie, mulan, a good one for when mingi wanted to be understood about his transness. at the moment, though, he was too focused on the circles hongjoong was drawing into his stomach. feather light, soothing patterns he traced over the small patch of exposed skin from his hoodie riding up. figure eights, flowers, swirls, words mingi doesn't have the energy to comprehend, but he knows hongjoong means wholeheartedly, etching them into his skin like a tattoo.
it doesn't take mingi long to drift off, head resting against the back of the couch, the tiniest smile blooming on his face. he dreams about how much he loves his boyfriends, and how much he loves being their boyfriend as well.