Archive of Our Own

“Guys.”

Three of the four teenage turtles were strewn about the generalized living area of the lair. Splinter had gone to his room to sleep the previous hour, giving the boys an opportunity to hang out around the TV. Though everyone was collected in the same area, none of them were doing any particular activity together.

Michelangelo was on the floor preoccupied with his sketchbook, holding it in such a way that you couldn’t actually see what he was drawing. He was focused, yet seemed disheartened in what he was creating. Donatello sat opposite to him on a beanbag, scrolling through his phone. Though his face and body language never tended to be too expressive, there was an air about the way he held himself that spoke of boredom. Leonardo had sprawled himself across the recliner with a “Jupiter Jim” comic book, though he seemed to hold little interest in what he was reading.

Raphael, who had just entered the room, gently clasped his hands together and cleared his throat when he didn’t quite seem to gain his brother’s attention.

There had been something weighing on his mind for awhile, and tonight seemed like an appropriate, (and convenient), time to bring it up.

“Guys? I uh, I think we should talk about something.” He shuffled his feet nervously, hoping to get a response from at least one of the other turtles. “It’s important…I think.”

Donnie raised an eyebrow. “You think? If it’s important then you should say so.” He hadn’t looked up from his phone when speaking, but the tone of his voice sounded more like he was asking a question then making a blunt statement.

The other two had yet to acknowledge the eldest brother. It wasn’t unusual for any of boys to get very deep into whatever activity it was they were currently preoccupied with. The lack of response was starting to grate on Raph’s nerves slightly.

“I’m being serious.” He stepped further into the room and crossed his arms. “Please just look at me for a second.” His voice was stern, yet soft. The red-clad turtle looked at his feet before taking a glance back upwards to see if he had finally better caught anyone’s attention.

Not yet.

Scratch that thought, he got a groan from Leo.

“Dude” Leo sighed, “I’m getting really into this chapter of my comic book, bro? If you could just-“ He gestured in the air for the eldest to leave him alone. Honestly, He wasn’t really into the comic at all, he just wasn’t sure if he was in the mood for something serious.

“Are you ok, Raph?” Mikey finally piqued, which got him a sheepish grin from the snapper, who was grateful to have finally been a little more properly acknowledged. Though he wasn’t here to talk about himself, he actually wanted to ask that exact question to his brothers.

Raphael rubbed the back of his head. “I’m ok, little man. I actually wanted to discuss something with all of you, if you could give me a second?”

Donnie put his phone down at long last, followed by Leo closing up his comic. “Well?” Leo questioned, half out of curiosity and half out of sarcasm. Donnie nodded his head in agreement, raising an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything himself. It seemed the two of them along with Michelangelo were now waiting for their older brother to say his piece.

Raphael, with all eyes on him, cleared his throat. This was a talk he had been thinking of having with them for awhile. The only issue was thinking of when, where, and how. As of the last few months, only times they tended to be all together was during missions, or while playing a video game or having a movie night, meaning those were such occasions that he didn’t want to bring down with this topic (not only that, but Donatello wouldn’t be in attendance half of the time). He had been waiting for all of them to be together in a neutral setting. Though he hadn’t expected today to be that day, it was apparent he needed to get onto it. Who knew when he would have another chance?

“Today, Raph!” Leo joked, though a part of him was also just impatient. Donnie rolled his eyes at the remark. As usual, no one laughed. He looked a little embarrassed at the lack of a reaction, but played it off like it was cool.

Raphael took a deep breath. He needed to bring this up now. His fists clenched, but he tried his best to keep a loose grip. Body language was important, and he didn’t want his brothers to catch all to early that this was something he had been incredibly stressed about.

“If I’m being honest, guys, I’m… I’m worried. About all of you.” Raph spoke, motioning his finger at the three of them. He was met with confused faces, which he had anticipated. “For awhile now it feels like we’ve been distant from one another. Even if it isn’t intentional.”

“What do you mean?”

Donatello had been the first to cut in, almost defensively so. “I don’t think anyone’s been distant. We’re all together, right here, how could there possibly be any distance?”

...Yet another thing Raphael had anticipated. He rubbed his temples. “Donnie, I don’t mean physical distance. I’m talking about— You know, like emotionally? I just feel like none of us have been connecting like we used to, even a few months ago.”

“I don’t notice a difference.”

Raph huffed. “And that’s exactly what I mean. You’re actually one of the most direct examples of this. You hole yourself up in your lab for days-“ he stopped himself. He didn’t want to get too heated and devolve this conversation into an argument. This needed to be a discussion, not a fight.

“I remember a couple months ago you said something about how we seemed more like roommates than brothers.”

“My ‘middle child nonsense’, you mean?”

Raph groaned softly. “Donnie, I meant that I thought about it. Even if you weren’t talking about what I’m about to say, you were... A little on the right track? With how we function together, I mean.”

The soft-shell blinked. He felt slightly stunned, but hardly enough to be noticeable to anyone in the room. “It’s nice to have you finally notice my intellect.”

“Donnie!” Raph exasperated. “That’s not what I mean! We interact and hang out in such a disconnected way these days! All of us! It isn’t even just you.”

Mikey raised his hand. “Um... I’m sort of with Raph on this one…”

So far, Leo had nothing to say. He just listened along as the others talked. Though he was confused. Sure, Donnie being distant made complete sense. His complete hermit of a twin was nowhere to be seen half of the time. But anyone else? What was Raph talking about?

Raphael looked to Mikey. “Yeah, little man?”

His youngest brother nodded. “I agree with Raph. He’s right, I feel sort of lonely… even when I’m around you guys?” The box turtle anxiously fidgeted with his hands, not facing any of his brothers. “Something just feels off all the time. It feels like there’s just this… elephant in the room? Yeah...” he trailed off. Raphael got closer to him, giving the baby of the family a soft pat on the head.

Mikey appreciated the gesture, especially since he was anxious about possibly hurting any of his brother’s feelings with his statement, even if it was entirely true.

The middle child in purple rolled his eyes. “Please, my dear Angelo, there not only is no elephant, but you couldn’t possibly be lonely in a room FULL of people.” His hands flipped into the air, as a sort of gesture, to clue to his younger brother that there were indeed many people surrounding him, and certainly no elephant lurking in any corner.

Though there was a slight sarcasm in the way he had spoken, it wasn’t uncommon for Donatello to take things very literally. He often took common catchphrases or metaphors to the exact word, much to anyone else’s chagrin.

Raph took another deep breath. “Donnie, please listen to me. You have a tendency to keep yourself away. I sometimes… Donnie I don’t even know how you feel most of the time. When I see you, it’s mostly just in passing. Even when we’re playing a game, we just share small talk.” A weak laugh escaped him. “Small talk? Between brothers?” He rubbed his eyes. “Why? I just... why do you keep yourself away?”

Donnie curled up into himself a little. He was beginning to feel attacked. “Why are you and Mikey suddenly getting on me? You said you were worried about everyone, but you’re just talking about me. What am I doing wrong?”

“You’re not doing anything wrong, Donnie. I’m just worried about you. I feel like I know you less and less. You don’t talk to me anymore.”

Mikey chimed back in. “I want to hang out with you a lot, but you just tell me you’re busy every single time! I know you know what I mean. You’re busy even when all you’re doing is laying with your head on your desk! You won’t even leave that lab to go to bed sometimes, I’d know because sometimes I color outside your door-“ He cringed a little with embarrassment at that comment. He didn’t want to sound like he was waiting for his second favorite brother (Leo had become his first by letting him watch an R-rated movie with him once, sorry Donnie!) to come out of his lab in hopes of playing with him, or even just having a talk.

It would mean the entire world to Michelangelo sometimes to even sit quietly together, just so he could be around his bigger brother, like they had been earlier, prior to the conversation Raphael had started.

Donnie swallowed the growing lump in his throat. “I don’t… it’s not like that, ok...” His mind began to buzz. Had he really become so isolated? Sure, he didn’t have a desire to be super open, but he also never intended to make his brothers feel cut off. The purple-clad teen began to fiddle with his hands. He was feeling anxious now. Were they upset with him? Why was he the only one having pressure put on him?

“I just feel safe in there, ok?”

Raph’s expression softened. “What do you mean, buddy?” He felt a little more worried than he had previously. “Why don’t you feel safe outside of the lab?”

Donnie shivered. “It’s nothing, I just like my lab. Is that so bad? Why are we only talking about me anyways?” He was getting defensive again. “What about, literally everyone else?”

“I have concerns about all of you. I’m sorry if you feel cornered, we just sort of got on this topic. I want to talk about it because it’s relevant to how I feel we’ve ALL been dysfunctional together. Not just you. Ok?”

Raphael was shaking slightly. He felt Mikey place a comforting hand on his leg. He softly smiled down at his baby brother. If only Raph knew he was the third favorite (he had been too overbearing about the box turtle’s first solo mission).

“You can talk to me, Donnie.”

Donatello shook his head. “What about Leo? He’s been awfully quiet during this.”

The slider scoffed. “Really dude? You’re that desperate to not talk? So typical of our little bad boy over here.”

“I’m being serious. If anything, what he’s up to is arguably worse. He sneaks out!” Donnie pointed accusingly. “Shouldn’t we address that?”

“REALLY? Are you kidding me? How is this even fair, he can’t just switch topics like that!” Leo whined. He didn’t want the attention on him. He was perfectly content watching the other to confront his twin. Much like the others, he too wanted to know why he was being shut out. Why was Donnie suddenly deflecting it all onto him? God, his brother could be such a pain!

The eldest brother felt frustration growing in the back of his mind, but he pushed it down. He glanced at Donatello. “We’re not done talking about you, so don’t think you’re off the hook.”

Raphael then turned to face his brother in blue. “Leo. I do agree with Donnie, and I did say I was worried about all of you.”

The slider groaned in annoyance. “You’re LETTING him deflect? This isn’t even about me!”

“It’s about all of you, Leo.” Raph replied.

“Yeah, Nardo, it’s about all of us.”

Leo growled. “Ok, shut up Donnie. You’re just agreeing to keep the attention off of your mysterious little self!”

“Gasp! Maybe you’re just angry that I’m right. You know, as usual.”

“DON-“

Raphael’s frustration began to boil over. Slightly. “BOTH of you, quiet. Please just listen.”

The oldest in the room took another deep breath. He needed to stay calm. This couldn’t become an argument. The snapper needed to figure out a way to mediate this discussion without putting too much attention on one brother or the other. All that had happened so far was Donnie feeling attacked, and now the other fourteen year old was feeling the exact same way.

“Alright. Here’s what we’ll do. I have concerns about all of you. Not just Donnie, Not just Leo, but all of you. Even you, Mikey.”

The end of his sentence had gotten an “Eep!” out of the youngest. “Y-yeah, see? Raph wants to talk to everyone!” Mikey suddenly felt a little uneasy. He knew that his biggest-of-brothers wanted to discuss something important with all of them, but him as well? He wanted nothing more than to connect and be around his big brothers! Why would Raph be worried about him too?

He was given another pat on the head from the red turtle, who had seemed to mostly calm himself down. “Please, guys. We need to have this talk. Please no more arguing, and stop trying to deflect. This is serious, this is about our bonds and connections as brothers.” Raph’s voice began to quiver. “I don’t... I don’t want to lose any of you. Physically or emotionally.” He sighed in a saddened way.

“Donnie. Leo. Mikey. Please listen to me. As your brother, and as the team’s leader.”

The two middle children were looking, and feeling guilty. They didn’t mean to argue and stress out their older and younger brother. The two of them shared glances.

“Sorry...” Leo said softly. “I was just annoyed that Donnie over there was tossing it all onto me when he got uncomfortable. Like he always does.”

Donnie rolled his eyes. “Like I always do? We’ve never even had a talk like this before. Sorry that I think sneaking out and not letting anyone know where you’re going is questionably more concerning than me tinkering in my lab!”

“Guys...” Mikey stated softly. As usual, Raph’s words only seemed to resonate with him within this discussion.

Raph had opened his mouth to speak, but he was soon cut off by Leonardo, who had very quickly come up with a reply Donnie couldn’t deflect.

Leo pointed a finger at his twin. “And cutting yourself isn’t concerning?” The words felt bitter rolling off his tongue. Even if it was true, he regretted saying them the instant they came out of his mouth.

Donnie went pale. His lips moved, but no words came out. He felt taken aback. How could his brother say that so casually, just for an upper hand in the argument?

“Hey, I’m s-“

“No. Shut up. You’re wrong, you’re lying. Why would you lie just to win an argument?”

Leo suddenly felt a little less regretful. He hadn’t meant to use it as leverage in the argument. He genuinely cared for his twin’s health, more than even his own. It was wrong of him to blurt out, but he swore up and down to himself that it was more out of care and less to win the fight. What he hated however, was Donnie lying, especially in a way that painted him to be the liar. That made him angry.

“Guys-“ Raphael tried to cut in, but he had been cut off once again.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Why would I ever lie about that? Yeah, sorry for throwing it out there, but holy shit dude! I wouldn’t make up something like that to win a stupid argument.” The slider knew he needed to calm down, but he was feeling way too heated.

Donatello looked down. “Why would you say that?” Based on his body language, it was easy to tell that he was the one being untruthful here. Leo hadn’t been the one who lied, even if he had brought up something so personal, so carelessly.

Raphael, however, was at his limit. Not only did his two brothers continue to fight, but this is how he learned the soft-shell was hurting himself? It was a lot to take in at once. “BOTH of you STOP.”

He wasn’t yelling, but he was stern. He was frustrated. It felt like none of them cared about the main point of this discussion. Did any of them care?

The two middle teens turned to look at him. Donnie had quickly wiped out the tears that had been welling in his eyes, before looking at his older brother. Leo began to look at the ground shortly after giving Raph a quick stare. He wished he could take back what he said, even if he had wanted to talk about it for so long. The way he brought it up wasn’t right, and he knew that. It was unfair to Donatello, and even if it was important to discuss at some point, it wasn’t something to be randomly tossed into the discussion with little care.

“The two of you need to stop this. We fight more than we get along these days too!” Tears began to pool in Raph’s exhausted eyes. “I just want us to be ok! I just want us to get along, and communicate, like brothers should!” His voice quivered at the end. He needed to regain his composure.

He didn’t notice that Michelangelo had stood up behind him. As much as it shocked him to learn what he just did about Donnie, it didn’t feel right to address since it hadn’t come from him. “Leo, that’s not something you can just bluntly throw into an argument. We’re all worried about everyone here, ok? But you should apologize.”

Leo gave a weak nod. “I’m sorry, Donnie... I didn’t mean it.”

His brother didn’t look at him. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Truly, from the bottom of his heart, the slider meant it. He wished he could take back what he had said, or a the very least interjected it into the conversation in a much more sensitive way, with his twin’s approval.

Raph sat down in front of his two brothers. Mikey sat back down where he had previously been, facing his oldest brother, making sure it was clear he was being given his attention.

“Donnie, I want to talk about that, but for now, I’ll put the focus somewhere else so you can collect yourself, ok? I’m also not upset with you, but I will say that I’m not comfortable with the fact that you two are keeping very dangerous secrets.” He pursed his lips. “It does make me think about what other secrets the two of you could be keeping for each other. I don’t want to be out of the loop.”

Raphael’s hands began to tremble. “Do you two feel like you can’t talk to me? I.. I want to help, I don’t want you guys to feel like I’d get angry.”

The turtle in purple shook his head. “It’s not that… I wouldn’t have told Mikey either, no offense. I just… I didn’t even mean for him to know either, he just saw me at a bad time and I made him promise not to tell, or else I was going to tell you that-“ The rest was unintelligible, only Donatello himself could’ve heard those words. Whatever they may be, the way Leo’s eyes widened indicated that he didn’t want anyone else to know.

“So… you two swore yourselves to secrecy…with each other’s secrets?” Raphael’s heart was drumming in his chest. He hadn’t expected this conversation to take such a stressful turn. He took a deep breath.

“Y-yeah, we did.” Leo squeaked nervously. He was definitely wanting something to stay hidden.

“What secret, Donnie?” Raph asked, an air of sternness in his voice, but still gently enough not to invoke too many anxious feelings.

Leo’s heart began to pound in his chest. He didn’t mean to put Donnie’s secret out there, and he hoped his twin wouldn’t do the same to him. He believed his own secret to be worse in the sense that it would definitely anger Raph. He didn’t think he would be met with any sympathy or understanding.

“H-hey, let’s go back a bit?” Leonardo was sweating.

Raph took a glance at his nervous younger brother. “Leo, you can tell me yourself if you want.”

“No thanks! How nice of you to ask though.” He attempted to joke, though his voice wavered nervously. Leo knew that it was going to come up this discussion whether or not he wanted it to, and he honestly deserved it after what he had (sort of accidentally) revealed about Donnie.

Who speaking of, fidgeted uneasily with his hands. “I… um… Leo?” Donnie was still very hurt by his twin’s betrayal, yet somehow he couldn’t bring himself to disclose his brother’s secret. Was it out of care? He didn’t know. It was a secret that had weighed on him, silently. It made him worry about the health and safety of the slider. This situation was becoming way too uncomfortable for him to bear. He didn’t know what to do.

“Donnie... I…” Leo felt anxiety gnaw in his stomach. “You… can tell him. It’s only fair.” He looked away from both Donnie and Raph. This entire encounter was making the eldest brother very worried and suspicious, not to mention poor Michelangelo, who was biting his nails down to the nub. This entire exchange was a lot of pressure on the thirteen year old, even if he wasn’t the one the discussion was centering around at the moment. He was learning so many scary and dangerous things that made him worry so much for his brothers. It could only make him wonder if Raph had secrets, too.

Donatello could only give a weak nod in response to his trembling twin. He knew Leo had been afraid of Raph being angry, or disappointed in him. Or both. It was a fear he had shared about his own self harm. “He. . .” Nervously, Donnie gazed around the room. “He, developed a habit of… um, smoking.”

“What?”

Leo sunk down into the seat of the recliner. He wanted to disappear. “I guess you can say the smoke alarm’s gone off?” He added a weak laugh, but all he got were shocked and concerned stares in response. He felt embarrassed about not only his one liner, but his secret being out in the open. He cracked jokes as a coping mechanism for stress, and the more pressure was on him, the less funny his jokes became. Though, if everyone else were being honest, his one liners weren’t ever very funny. Just embarrassing, mostly.

“Would it uh, make it worse if I said it was marijuana and not tobacco?”

Raphael could only blink in response. First, Donnie was cutting himself, but now Leo was smoking? Raph had already known about his sneaking out, but what he wasn’t aware of was what his little brother was up to on those outings. He wanted to address that behavior today, but the snapper couldn’t have imagined it was going to become so deep. He didn’t know what to say about either of his brother’s harmful activities. Images of Leo, under the influence, in harmful situations flashed in his brain. The last thing he’d want would be for him to get kidnapped or killed because he was too out of himself to fight off an attacker properly. It worried him sick.

As for Donatello, the thought of walking in on the soft-shell having gone deeper than intended made his stomach turn. These hypotheticals were more than enough to give him nightmares. He didn’t want to lose his brothers to themselves, or other people. Certain things began to make too much sense. Leo’s random dazed states, as well as Donnie’s lack of reaction to any minor physical harm to his body. Just the other day his immediate-younger brother burnt himself using the stove. He swore he let his hand linger there a moment longer than he needed, but he shook it off. Now he regretted not saying something sooner. What about Mikey? Was he hiding something from him too, possibly something even more dangerous? How much worse could it get?

“Leo-“

“I’m sorry!” Leonardo had began to sob. He was too afraid that he had disappointed and disgusted his older brother to hear what he had to say. “I’m really sorry! I-I just didn’t want it to hurt anymore!”

Raphael scooted closer to his crying brother. The other two seemed to be at a loss for words. “Hey, I’m not mad... it’s a really worrying thing for you to do, buddy, but I’m not angry. Just... worried.” He sighed, putting a hand on Leo’s knee. He was worried for his brother more than ever before. What did he mean when he had said he ‘didn’t want it to hurt anymore’? What didn’t he want to hurt? Was someone hurting him?

He got a sniffle out of Leo. “Y-you’re really not angry? I thought you would hate me, ha.” The laugh was forced and weak.

Raph’s eyes widened. He never wanted to give the impression to any of his brothers that he’d be angry at their struggles or shortcomings, no matter how concerning or scary they were. “Of course not, Leo, never… I would never hate you. I know express my frustration with you sometimes on missions, but it’s because I’m worried about your safety. I’m never so enraged with you that I feel hatred. I could never, ever feel that for you, Leo.”

His younger brother had stopped crying heavily, so the reassurance seemed to be helping. At this point, and very surprisingly, Donnie had climbed into the recliner to sit with and comfort his twin by rubbing the back of his shell.

“I’m sorry again, Donnie...” Leo felt exhausted from his crying, but what felt even worse was how he threw his twin under the bus. How could he do that? Even after that, his purple-masked brother still got his permission to say his own deepest secret. A coping mechanism he had kept well hidden, and apparently one Donatello had known about before he had even spoken a word. How, he’ll never know, but he only learned of it when Donnie was desperate for none of his other brothers to learn about his self harm. He still shudders at the images of his brother’s slashed arms that blip through his mind.

Shaking all of that off, he looked over at Donnie, who accepted his apology, and then back to Raphael.

“I’m sorry for ruining your conversation. You never wanted it to become like this. I’m so annoying.”

Raph wanted to put an end to that thinking. “No! Of course not, this is actually all very on topic, if anything. This information can help me understand what’s going on better. We’re not just a team, we’re family. You guys are my beloved family. That’s why I wanted to talk about everything. I want to get to the root of our dysfunction so we can communicate and interact in the healthiest possible ways.”

The other three boys nodded. Everyone was much more ready to engage in this discussion than before. They all agreed with Raph, now that they finally heard what he was saying.

What was the root of everything? Of Donnie’s isolation, of Leo’s sneaking out, of Mikey’s concerning vent art that Raphael had yet to make relevant in this discussion? It was something they had all seen, but none of them had spoken too much about.

Michelangelo’s three older brothers had only caught glimpses when he was carelessly doodling away in the middle of his room. He has a designated sketchbook, with a black cover, that has “KEEP OUT!!!” written on it over masking tape, as a sort of makeshift sticker, that they are not to touch. Out of respect for Mikey’s wishes, none of them have ever looked inside. That didn’t mean they weren’t all silently sharing curiosity of what was inside, given how unsettling the nature of the ones the three of them had viewed in passing had been.

Raphael’s baby brothers were truly going to be the end of him. He wouldn’t have it any other way. They were his beloved family. The snapper, no matter what, would always be there to listen to, guide, and protect his brothers.

A soft breath released from his stressed body. “Alright, guys... Could we try to take it from the top? And no more pointy fingers?” He pleaded, gesturing to the two that argued previously. The boys in question nodded, though gave no verbal acknowledgment.

Raph clasped his hands together a second time during this discussion. “I really want to get to the bottom of this. Where and when did we begin to shut each other out?” The words haunted him as he spoke. All he could think about were his brother’s (very well) hidden unhealthy, dangerous coping mechanisms. “I don’t think... I don’t think we’ve truly relaxed or hung out in at least six months?” He loved them so much. All three of them. There was nothing more Raphael wanted than to make them feel safe and cared for. Today was when this needed to be resolved. It couldn’t wait even a moment longer.

The four of them sat silently for a few moments after the eldest in the room had spoken. None of the boys knew what to say, or where to even begin. Between the three younger brothers, they all knew Raph was correct about… well, everything. Even if the majority of them weren’t intentionally pushing themselves away from the other (barring Donatello), everyone had been slowly closing off to the others over time.

Leonardo had snuck out for the first time around the age of thirteen. What he had been up to, was something only the slider knew. The exact events that led to this behavior was another thing the blue-masked turtle kept tightly to himself. It seemed like these were the sorts of thing Raph had been wanting to pick into, as a sort of explanation for the division and secrecy between the brothers.

Raphael wouldn’t lie, the first emotion he felt was anger the first time he discovered his brother had been leaving the lair alone at night. The turtle in question would leave without a word, when he was supposed to be sleeping in his bed. The anger was born from a place of deep concern and worry, but it still didn’t change that he had regrettably raised his voice the first time it ever came up in a conversation. Leo of course, had shrugged it off with his jokes and insisted it was “no big deal”.

But then it hit him. There was one thing his brother said during that argument that he had nearly forgotten. He was thinking more about it in this moment.

“What would dad think if he knew you were doing this!? He’d be worried sick Leo!”

“Would he? He never seemed to care about me before.”

The snapper’s eyes widened at his own recall. How could he have let that comment slip by before? No, this was no time to fight with himself. He needed to stay focused. He would express his own disappointment in himself in the privacy of his room later, after this was over. His little brothers didn’t need to see that.

Still, he couldn’t help but envision punching himself in the head at his own negligence. How had that gotten by him so easily? His judgement had been clouded by his own strong emotions during that argument. Raph noted, mentally, that he needed to pay much closer attention to what his brothers were saying, so that he never missed important insight that they gave to him unintentionally ever again. It was his responsibility be aware, every second of the day. Was this behavior his fault? Had he not been doing enough to look after and protect his brothers?

“Are you ok, Raph?”

It was Mikey who had asked, again, but all three of his brothers were staring at him, in a worried sort of way.

“I’m with Miguel on that one, are you good? It got quiet and you just, sort of started looking upset.” Leo stated, also concerned about his older brother.

Donnie didn’t say anything, but his expressions and nods spoke that he was in agreement with his brothers. Raph did seem to have a sudden change in disposition. It was a little disquieting to the three of them.

Raph mentally cursed to himself. He can’t show this type of weakness in front of them. He shouldn’t be, not as the oldest. They couldn’t know that he was beating himself up over failing them. As the oldest brother, he needed to be their rock. He needed to be sturdy and strong for them, twenty-four seven. He wasn’t going to crack, not right now. Not when this was about the safety, mental health, and well being of his baby brothers.

“What? Whoops, I zoned there!” Giving a nervous laugh, he rubbed the back of his head. “I was just... thinking of where to take this talk next, is all. And it led me to remember something you had actually told me once, Leo.” He directed his attention towards the slider, who squirmed slightly in his seat.

“Me?” The tone of his voice was nervous, yet curious. What could Raph be referring to? He waited for a response from the leader.

Mikey looked between Raph and Leo, confusedly. What talk was his oldest brother referring to? He was learning so much, yet so little at the same time. It was common for his older brothers to keep him out of the loop more than the others, as to not scare their youngest, most impressionable brother. Admittedly, it drove the box turtle slightly nuts, being babied as often as he was, though it was a gripe he had with Raph most of all. Leo at the very least would treat him the most like an equal, and not just some young, innocent little child that knew nothing of the world. He knew things! He saw an R-rated movie with his coolest brother before. He even gave comfort to his brothers with Dr. Feelings, and much needed insight with Dr. Delicate Touch! But today, no one was hiding or sugarcoating a thing. This was a talk between all brothers, himself included.

Raph nodded, continuing the discussion. “Yeah, and thinking about it now, I wish I had asked you more about it at the time.” He bit his tongue. A feeling of great disappointment filled him, feeling shameful that it had taken him so long to confront this. “Could you.. tell me what you meant?”

“Be more specific, bro?”

Raph shook his head. “Yeah, of course, context! That slipped my mind too, heh...” He was getting nervous, and the others were picking up on it. “That night, when I… it was when I first caught you sneaking out, when you had gotten home. At the end of that talk- argument” the snapper looked guilty, “You said that dad never seemed to care about you before, after I had asked about how you thought he would react. I… said he would be worried, but you didn’t agree. Why?” Genuine concern and sadness filled the eldest’s eyes. His heart hurt so badly for his brother in blue.

Leo could only hold his breath. He hadn’t expected that to be what Raph had been thinking about. He wasn’t sure how to respond, or what to say. If the slider was being honest, he wasn’t too sure himself about what it all meant. All he knew is that out of all of his brothers, he seemed to get their father’s attention the least, for better or for worse. Most of the time, any attempt to talk to Splinter was met with silence. The old man would continue to sulk into his recliner and stare mindlessly at his television, paying his son no mind.

There were times Leo could remember being injured, scared, or overall lonely. He was never met with the comfort of his father, just cold, uncaring silence. It broke his heart, but the teen closed all of that up into a box to keep only to himself. He must just be too annoying, or something, and that’s why his dad didn’t want much to do with him. The negligence is what led a younger Leo to sneak out of the lair for the first time. It started with simple trips to the rooftops, but overtime progressed into more risky, dangerous endeavors.

It was when he gained the ōdachi that his outings became progressively more dangerous. Leonardo had then used the weapon to his advantage to take him to the Hidden City. The shady people he met were definitely a crowd no teenager should be interacting with. Only he knew this, of course, he had refused to tell Raph or any of his other brothers his whereabouts after having been caught for the first time.

It was those people that had given him a pipe for the first time. He was taught how to light it, and coaxed into smoking it. Leo wouldn’t admit it to even himself, but he was a little afraid at first. Was it poison? That was a thought that crossed into his mind as he took his very first hit. The feeling that overtook his body shortly after made him feel fuzzy and disoriented, but in such a way that made the negativity clouding his mind at home go away. Leo knew his brothers would never approve of this, but if he did it only in private, just to feel a little better, would it be so horrible? Maybe in his stoned daydreams his father would finally love him.

He continued to get more of it from time to time from those same people. There was one adult in particular he felt like he could trust. The man had helped him learn how to smoke, and always listened to him when he expressed being upset with anyone at home, namely Splinter. Though sometimes, he’d talk about his brothers, though usually not negatively. The most he would say would be that his oldest brother was “overbearing”, but that was only after he had been caught sneaking out. This guy was his friend! This guy wouldn’t ever hurt or betray him. Leo knew that, and he was secure with it. The man would sit close to him and put a comforting arm around his shoulder. He was almost a sort of pseudo-parental figure, in the slider’s eyes.

It was one night, Leo had come home in tears. Only he knew why. He had come home so late that everyone else had already been asleep, not one of them realizing that their brother once again had not been in his bed. It was a night he wished he would’ve been.

“I... Raph, it just sort of fell out? Does it matter that much?” Leo deflected, though it wasn’t his intention this time. He was genuinely confused, and afraid to confront his locked up feelings about his father.

Raph put a reassuring hand on his knee. “I think you meant something else, buddy. You can talk to me.”

Tears pooled in Leo’s eyes. “I just don’t think he’d care. He never has before, so why would he suddenly care about me going off?” His cheeks felt wet. “He won’t even look at me, Raph... he wouldn’t care.”

Raphael could feel his heart breaking into pieces. He never imagined his brother’s sneaking out could be so deeply tied to his emotions. As much as he didn’t want to admit it, his brother running off a couple nights a week looked like generalized teen angst on the surface. Raph never realized it all boiled down to his father’s negligence. The snapper winced at the thought. He knew that Leo was frequently ignored by Splinter, but he never realized it was this bad. How couldn’t he have? He should’ve. He was a horrific older brother. This was just one sibling that he had already failed so awfully, who was to say about the other two?

Raphael swallowed his guilt. He opened his mouth to speak, though he wasn’t sure what to say to his shaking brother.

Donatello had resumed rubbing the back of his twin’s shell. He still hadn’t spoken, but he was listening, and comforting in a way he knew Leo would like. The soft-shell wasn’t one for physical comfort or affection, but his brothers were all the opposite. Due to this, Donnie made a point to rub their shells, and sometimes even hug them when any of his brothers were upset or struggling. He didn’t like to be touched most of the time, but he didn’t mind extending his hand out to either of his brothers, should they really need it in a given moment.

“Leo... I’m so sorry. You’re right, the way he treats you isn’t right at all. I hate to believe that he wouldn’t care... I just want you to know that I will always care, even if he doesn’t.” Raph blinked back tears. He couldn’t break in front of his brother. Leo needed his strength, and Raph knew that. He always needed to stay strong.

“I care about your whereabouts and safety. My greatest fear is you never coming home again, and me never knowing what happened to you..” Tears began to roll down the snapper’s cheeks.

“Raph?”

He brought a hand to his cheek and flinched when he felt the tears. He hadn’t meant to start crying, especially not in front of his already upset brother.

“Leo! Sorry, I just...” He wiped his tears and sighed. “I want you to know that I’m always here for you.”

Leo nodded weakly. “Thanks... I’m sorry about sneaking out so much. And the, uh, smoking too, I guess.”

Raph gave a soft smile in response. “I want you to know that if you never came home again, I would grieve your loss until the day I died.” His heart rate picked up again. “I can’t lose you, Leo. It’s so dangerous for you to not tell me where you’re going, and when? Someone could kidnap, or even kill you! Especially when you’re under the influence, that makes it so much more dangerous. You lose autonomy and the ability to think clearly.”

The snapper sounded stressed, but gentle. He was merely expressing concern and comforting his brother. Leo nodded and listened, and genuinely this time. The fourteen year old never realized how much his outings had terrified his older brother. From the look of it, his other two siblings were equally as concerned.

“I... I didn’t think of it like that... I just wanted to feel better. I felt good when I was smoking, and my friend would tell me that it was ok...”

“Your friend?“

Leo’s eyes widened slightly, but he then shook his head. He didn’t need to say too much about this right now. “Uh… yeah, just a guy that I would smoke with sometimes. I haven’t seen him in awhile, so it’s ok.”

Raphael felt there was more to this ‘friend’ than his brother was letting on, but he decided not to push him too much. “Be careful about these ‘friends’ you make, Leo. Anyone that encourages a fourteen year old to smoke weed is bad news.”

“He’s not someone I really hang with anymore...” Leo trailed off, in his mind he thought about the last night he had seen the man. Ever since what happened, he hadn’t been back in the Hidden City. He kept to himself on the rooftops, and smoked by himself there. Anything else he got his hands on, he had located himself on the surface. “I haven’t seen him in awhile.”

“Try to keep it that way, ok buddy? I’d hate for something to happen to you.” Raph gave his brother a caring smile, giving his knee another squeeze. Truth be told, Raph wasn’t very confident this ‘friend’ of Leo’s had great intentions. It made his blood boil that anyone would dare give his brother a dangerous substance. Above all else, Raph was just relieved he came home seemingly unscathed, from what he had seen.

Leo thought for a moment if he should tell his older brother about what happened that night, but he swallowed it down in the end. It felt like too much to discuss right now, especially in front of his youngest brother, who had been staring at him very intently this entire discussion. This was something he would talk about another day.

“I will...” Leo reached out to give Raphael a hug. Though the snapper hadn’t been expecting a hug, it warmed his heart that his brother wanted his comfort. This was a good first step in reconnecting with his brothers.

“We’ll talk more about the smoking later, ok? I want to get rid of that stuff.”

“Damn...” Leo muttered under his breath, with a nod. Though this talk felt both stressful and relieving at the same time, he still felt like he needed the weed. He needed it to cope, he needed it to feel less broken. Why couldn’t Raph understand that? Maybe he would after they talked later.

They hugged for awhile longer, before pulling apart. Raph gave him a reassuring pat on the shoulder. “This is what I wanted to talk about with all of you. I want to mend our bonds as brothers, so we can be strong together and support one another. I just...” He caught himself for a moment. Though he hated to admit it, it was beginning to become clear what, or who, the root of their dysfunction may be.

Splinter.

A weary sigh came out of the eldest. This was going to be a tough one. He loved his father very dearly, but it was absolutely ripping him apart inside that he was the source of so much pain for his brothers, two of which he had yet to hear from.

As for any pain that the man had caused Raphael, he pushed it all to the back of his mind. This wasn’t about him, this was about his younger brothers. He was fine, his dad respected him and didn’t treat him in any such way he should worry about. Genuinely, it was him who should worry and care for his hurting brothers.

“I feel like… Is dad causing you guys to feel these ways?”

Well, that was a little more blunt than he intended. Hopefully it wouldn’t cause anyone else to clam up, at the very least he had gotten some truth out of Leo.

Leo turned to look at his other brothers, who had yet to speak for themselves. It was already obvious what his stance was on Splinter and how his father’s negligence towards him contributed to his dangerous behaviors, but he couldn’t say the same for Donnie or Mikey, or even Raph, who had yet to interject himself anywhere in this discussion aside from leading the conversation, and providing comfort.

“I want to hear what everyone else has to say.” Leo spoke. “I want to know why Donnie stays away, and I want to know why Mikey is so secretive with some of his artwork.” Leo then pointed an accusing finger at Raph. “You too, big guy. I can hear you cry into your teddy bears at night!”

This got a squeak from the oldest brother. “W-what?” He played with his hands nervously, looking around the room. “Leo, it’s my allergies you’re hearing, don’t worry about-“

“That’s not fair Raph!” Mikey squealed, frustrated at his biggest brother. “Now you’re doing what you were getting fed up at Donnie and Leo for!” He clenched his small fists. “You’re the biggest, but that doesn’t mean you’re not sad too?”

Raph was caught off guard by the sudden bombarding from his brothers. He had no idea what to say. The last thing he wanted was for them to see him as someone who felt sad, scared, anxious, afraid, lonely, stressed, sick… or any of the numerous other things he felt on a daily occasion. No, he was the oldest! He was their rock, they weren’t his. He was the leader, the protector, the big brother. He took care of them, he kept them as safe as he could. There was no reason why his brothers should do the same for him, when they were already going through their own things.

“Guys... I understand your frustration, and I’m sorry. I just want to focus a little more on the topic at hand, that’s all.”

Donnie snorted. “How are you not relevant to this topic? This is about everyone, you said so yourself… unless you were hoping to not be included?”

Oh, perfect timing for Donnie and his smart attitude to cut in. Raph wanted the attention off of himself, this truly wasn’t about him. It couldn’t be. He was worried for his younger brothers, why was it suddenly becoming about him?

“Is that true Raph?” Leo asked, a slight irritation in his voice. “Don’t be a hypocrite bro.”

Mikey agreed with the two middle brothers. If there was anything that annoyed the box turtle (and by extension, the PHD holders of his), it was hypocritical behavior! He definitely wasn’t having any of that.

“RAPH!”

The oldest shivered and looked around nervously. “Heh, guys, uh... I promise that isn’t what I’m angling at, I just wasn’t expecting to talk about me yet! That’s all, I was just thrown off guard!” An anxious laugh was in the background of his voice, though his three brothers seemed to accept this temporary response of his.

“Don’t bail on us, because then this entire talk will have been for nothing.” Mikey said intelligently. Though he was the youngest and least mature of the group, the boy could be awfully insightful for someone his age.

Raph gave a nod in response. “I won’t. I just meant that as the oldest, I’d rather hear from my three younger brothers before talking about myself.” He meant every word he said, though part of him was pleading that by the time the other two spoke, he could wrap up the conversation and ultimately keep himself out of it. He was their protector, they weren’t his.

“Ok...” Mikey piped back down, seemingly trustful of what his older brother had said. Though, it would hurt the youngest deeply if his oldest brother were to back out at the last second. He had never mentioned it, but it was a pattern of behavior that he had noticed with Raphael. The snapper was selfless, caring, and protective, to the point of neglecting his own health and care. Like Leo, the young artist had heard his older brother’s wails from his room as well. He wasn’t… exactly the most silent crier, for someone who wanted it to be a secret and private moment. Perhaps it couldn’t be controlled, from how much he bottled up?

Raph cleared his throat. “Anyways… I agree with what Leo said earlier, about wanting to hear from all of you. I think it’ll help us as a family to understand and support each other better, especially if the root of our dysfunction really is. . . dad…”

Everyone in the room fell silent at the last part. Though they all knew it was true, none of them wanted to believe it, no matter how much pain their mentor had caused them. Parents were supposed to love and care for their children, and that’s all the four boys could ever want. They all swallowed the lumps in their throats.

That was when Donatello finally spoke up.

“I never wanted to keep you guys away.”

Everyone turned to look at Donnie, who had surprisingly decided to be the next to speak. This piqued interest in his three brothers, for their brother in purple, who had become an emotionally constipated, isolated hermit over the years, was making an attempt to open up to them. Though it was evident Donnie was struggling, a hopeful feeling washed over the three of them. They each wanted to listen intently to what the soft-shell had to say, because who knew when they’d have another chance?

Donnie sighed, and looked down at his legs. Eye contact was always a struggle for him, especially when he was feeling vulnerable. He was grateful that his brothers had always been accommodating and understanding of him.

“—LOOK AT ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU.”

The brief mental flashback had caused him to shudder. Though his brothers always took steps to understand why he acted certain ways, it was his father who never tried to meet him on his level.

“I like to hang out.“ This was true, Donatello actually enjoyed being around his brothers. The only thing about that, was it was hard to do so in a relaxing atmosphere. Some days he could ignore the hanging tension in the room along with the others, but some- no, most of the time he felt backed into a corner. He was afraid, and thus holed himself up within the safe walls of his lab. At the very least, he was surrounded by science and his inventions, his two favorite things!

“Can I ask why you hide away so often?” Raph spoke, hoping to get more of an answer from his brother this time around. He was still worried about something Donnie said earlier this discussion. “You said before that you felt ‘safe’ in your lab?”

Donnie shuddered, but gave a weak nod. “Yeah… I do. I don’t feel threatened in my lab.”

Threatened? This was worrying to not only Raph, but the other two in the room. Leo put a concerned hand on Donnie’s shoulder, though he didn’t keep the hold for long, knowing that his brother didn’t like to be touched all that much. The quick gesture was appreciated by the soft-shell.

“Mm. You know, I just don’t feel like anything could happen in there. Not anything I can’t control, at least.” Donnie was referencing any possible explosions or malfunctions in his lab, which happened every now and then with some of his more elaborate inventions.

“Donnie, do you not feel safe in the rest of the lair?” Raph asked calmly, as to not stress out his already solitary brother. Truth be told, his heart was thumping in his chest, and a bead of sweat rolled down his brow (or, where it would be if he had one). He was becoming growingly anxious for Donatello.

A shrug was his first response, before a verbal one. “I just don’t expect anything to happen in my lab.” He was still being reclusive with his words, but he was trying the best he could. It felt impossible for him to say what he really meant.

“In my lab, dad can’t hurt me.”

Donatello was a spiny soft-shell turtle. Of his four brothers, he was the most susceptible to physical injury, due to the lack of protection his shell provided. He always had to be wary and cautious when playing with his brothers growing up, as they had to be with him. They even went so far as to tie a pillow to his shell, so they could all collectively feel safer while playing together.

Though, ironically enough he became the scapegoat of the family.

All of the boys had endured their share of of punishments throughout their lifetime, ranging from yelling, grounding, and some even as harsh as being slapped or hit. Though it hurt all of them, it was an experience they could all share; Splinter’s strict punishments.

Though, unlike his other brothers, Donnie bore the brunt of Splinter’s aggression. If any of his other brothers did something their father deemed ‘wrong’, for instance, breaking a rule, they would be handed one of the previously discussed punishments. If Donnie were to be in trouble for the same thing, or anything in general he would be taken aside for something entirely different.

The purple turtle coped with the beatings by hiding himself away in his a lab. It was a habit developed when he was young, that had continued to worsen over time. He could shut out anyone he wanted. The lab could lock down in such a way that even his father couldn’t enter. The soft-shell didn’t like the anxiety and fear he felt when he was outside of the safety of his lab, especially when he knew Splinter was awake. It felt as though he would go out of his way to strike the boy sometimes.

When it happened, he would often be pulled away elsewhere from his brothers. He would be screamed at for reasons he often didn’t understand. Though Splinter never advised Donnie one way or another to not tell the others of his treatment, the way he would be taken to a secluded area would often speak silently to him that it was worthless to tell. Sometimes he would scream and cry as his father mercilessly punished him, only to be met with silence from the corridor. No one ever came running (he knew nobody could hear them, but he still secretly hoped someone would come to his rescue). Afterwards, he would scurry quickly back to the safety of his lab (or his bedroom when he was a young child, prior to the full completion of his creative space), before his brothers could even question the marks on his body.

“What’s with all the bandages?”

“Oh, something blew up in my lab. It’s nothing.”

He had exchanges like that often with his brothers. It was best to keep them at a distance, they didn’t need to know. It wouldn’t make a difference if they did. He would’ve remained his father’s punching bag one way or another.

Donnie snapped out of his thoughts and continued to speak. “It’s better for me to stay in the lab, I guess.”

The other three shared confused glances. They didn’t understand why their soft-shelled brother continued to be so elusive. It was very worrying behavior, but it was also to be expected. Donatello was not one to be open with his feelings, or if something was hurting him.

“Why do you think so, buddy?” Raph questioned gently. Getting things out of his tech-savvy brother could be a bit of a challenge. Alright, more than just a bit, but it was still very difficult. “The rest of us would love to have you come and spend time with us.”

“I agree!” Mikey quickly chimed in. “I wanna hang out with everyone! You spend so much time in your lab, and nothing can threaten you when you’re with us!”

Donnie gave his brothers a soft, yet disheartened smile. He’d like to think something as simple as the company of his brothers would be enough to keep him out of the cold hands of their father. Unfortunately, Splinter always knew how to catch him alone.

“Are you isolating because-“

“I do that to cope, Raph.” Donnie had cut him off, knowing what the snapper was about to say.

He was unaware that he had given his older brother yet another thing to think about for this conversation.

“What are you coping with?” Raph asked, directly. Getting through to Donnie was tough.

“Stuff. You know how our lives are.”

Leo rolled his eyes. He needed to help things move along for the sake of not only Donnie himself, but his other brothers who seemed to be slowly becoming overwhelmed by anxiety. “Donnie, bro, come on. You know what he wants to hear from you.”

His shoulders stiffened. Though Leo was right, that didn’t mean this was any easier to talk about. Donatello had never been extremely direct to his brother’s about his treatment, though all of them had seen him take a hit every now and then, especially Leo. Out of all of them, Leo was the one Splinter would notice lurking around least.

The difficulty came when he ever tried to confront his battered brother, he got met with a hurricane of disorganized excuses,

“Something blew up in my lab”

“I fell off a skateboard”

“I dropped my sandwich”

Then the purple brother would immediately scurry off into his lab, to resume his self imposed isolation.

Maybe he should just say something on the nose. He could. He was scared. What if he was met with a bad reaction? Had he not deserved every last strike?

“I… I just, it felt good for stress relief. That’s all.” Donatello let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “Dad. I want to stay away from him.”

Now they were getting somewhere.

Unfortunately, that came at the price of Raphael learning yet another one of his brothers was being treated horribly.

He hadn’t been unaware to everything in their home, but he definitely never realized the severity of certain things. Oh boy, was it ripping him to shreds in this moment.

“What do you mean, Donnie?” Raph’s hands had began to shake slightly. “Why don’t you want to be around dad?”

Leo and Mikey had gotten closer to the turtle in question. Leo knew this was a tough topic for Donnie to disclose, though he himself didn’t know the full extent of what he had been going through. Michelangelo wanted to know what their dad had to do with Donnie’s habits of locking himself up inside his lab, as well as his (recently found out) self harm habit.

Donnie brought his hand to his arm, and continued to look downwards at the floor. “I don’t feel safe. When no one’s looking, or if I do something wrong, he gets mad at me.”

Raph blinked, and nodded along, indicating he was listening. “What happened, Donnie?”

Oh, no. He could see tears forming in the soft-shell’s eyes. This had to be bad if it was causing the one who so rarely showed even a shred of emotion to weep. The image of his younger brother becoming so upset made his heart just about snap in two.

How could he have failed his younger brothers so horribly? Why couldn’t he have done what he was supposed to and protect them?

It hurt more than anything in the world that the person he needed to protect them from the most was their own father.

Donnie, of course, wiped the tears away quickly, before they could fall. He didn’t want to cry. “He just, um, hits me, sometimes.“ he sniffled, but didn’t cry. “Multiple consecutive blows.”

Raph felt anger swelling in his chest. First, Splinter had neglected Leo so horribly that his brother had began to turn to drugs and sneaking out to cope, even going as far to seek attention from untrustworthy adult figures, but now their father had been physically assaulting Donnie behind everyone else’s backs?

It disgusted the snapper, to say the least. Why would Splinter ever do this? Raphael knew he wasn’t the best parent- he never had been. But all of this was so excessive, so cruel, so violent. How much worse could it possibly get? He wanted to scoop up his brothers and never let them go.

Now was no time to blame himself, he could do that later. For now, he needed to focus on comforting his brothers. All three of them, one at a time. They needed to work on their bonds as brothers. They needed to support and protect each other. Donnie opening up was huge, and he wasn’t going to let this all be for nothing.

“How much.”

“What?”

“How much Donnie. You hide away so often, does this happen frequently?” Raph was fully shaking. It was hard for him to contain all of the strong emotions he was beginning to feel. He was angry and hurt Splinter treated his brothers the way he had been, and it made his heart drop into his stomach when it hit him that he had yet to hear from Michelangelo.

Please, please not his youngest brother. Not him too. He hoped more than anything it was really just unicorns and rainbows for the baby of the family.

How unfortunate it would be when he learned all of that was wishful thinking.

He waited for an answer from Donatello, who had only swallowed in response. Then, his brother finally opened his mouth.

“Every couple weeks, maybe. Sometimes it’s worse than others, so it’s really not that bad-“

Raph couldn’t help but scoop Donnie up into his protective arms. He knew of Donnie’s touch aversion, and he would apologize later. His body moved on it’s own and took up his younger brother before he could even think.

“I am so sorry, Donnie.” Raph internally begged himself not to cry. Not in front of them, not again. “I am so sorry I wasn’t there to save you.” Fuck, he was crying again. His heart ached so much for his poor brothers. He never imagined their own father was the reason why everyone had been so distant from one another.

It made him feel like he was going to vomit. It made him feel like his own home was suddenly the worst place he and his brothers could ever be.

Donatello, though apprehensive, allowed the hug. He understood it was shocking news for his oldest brother. Though, with one, came the others. They were now compiled in a group hug.

Raph held on tightly to all of his brothers. Donnie squirmed in the middle of the hug, for he was being squished between the snapper, and his two other brothers who had been pulled into the hug behind him.

“Guys-“

Raph released his grip. “Right, right. Sorry Donnie. I just needed to hold you for a sec. All of you, honestly.” He wiped his wet eyes. “Please Donnie, come to me if you need help. All of you. We’re here to protect each other, we are brothers. We need each other. I want to do everything I can to make sure we can have movie night without anyone feeling unsafe or horrible...”

“I want to have a movie night. I’m just…” The teen in purple trailed off. He wasn’t sure what else to say, he felt a little stuck.

Just then, Mikey popped up behind Donnie and invited himself into his personal space with yet another hug. “I can be your shield! If you’re hungry I’ll go to the kitchen with you. Or Raph. Or Leo. Or all of us. Or-“

Donnie laughed. He hadn’t felt any sense of relief during this discussion for awhile. “Thanks, Angelo.”

Mikey liked the pat on the head he was given after. It made him happy, and he hoped they could all help Donnie feel a little safer. He had honestly been feeling super guilty himself, hearing what Leo and Donnie had to say about the way Splinter had been treating them.

Their dad hadn’t neglected, or hit him. No, it was the opposite! He was given toys, he was given candy, and his dad had said it was “special treatment”! Mikey knew telling his brothers would make them upset, mostly because Splinter had said so.

“Your brothers would be so jealous if they knew of your special treatment. You must never let them know.”

Mikey swallowed. He knew Raph, and the others were going to want to hear from him soon. He felt nervous, and guilty. Everyone else was treated so... meanly. He made Leo cry when he wouldn’t talk to, or even acknowledge the slider’s existence. Donnie isolated himself out of fear of being hurt again, to the point of hurting his own self out of the depression and stress everything had caused him.

But Mikey, he was dad’s favorite. He got to sleep in his bed at night, and they would have alone time together. He would always make Mikey promise not to tell, because it would make his brothers sad. It was very important not to make his brothers sad.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, sorry.” Donnie suddenly spoke. “I want to be more open, but I need time. I’ll go more into it another time. Thanks for… caring.” He blushed a little, knowing all eyes were on him. It was hard for him to accept affection and care from his brothers, but after seeing how much his isolation had hurt his brothers, he wanted to try a little more, even if it would be a long while before things truly began to improve.

“Anytime, buddy.” Raph gave him a reassuring pat on the head. This entire conversation had been nothing but a giant heart attack for the snapper. Even once they were done talking today, none of this would be over. There was so much to do in order to help one another be safe, in more ways than one. From themselves, as well as Splinter.

Shortly after, Mikey began to fidget nervously where he was sitting. He wasn’t sure what he could say to his brothers. He wasn’t the one Raph needed to worry about, was he?

“Little man? You ok?”

Oh no, Raph was onto him.

“Huh!? Yeah! I’m ok!” The youngest’s body language said otherwise. “Just… thinking about some stuff! Just thinking about what everyone’s said.” He nodded a few quick times, trying to seemingly prove to the oldest that he felt ok.

“Buddy, you can talk to me too. All of us care about you, and this discussion is about everyone.” Raph didn’t want his youngest brother to be hurting. He didn’t want Splinter to be neglecting or physically abusing him, or any other type of harm a parent could inflict.

Though he didn’t know what Mikey was going through, he wasn’t naive enough to think his baby brother was alright. The vent art he had caught a few glimpses of spoke for themselves. The orange-masked turtle was struggling, but with what?

Leo and Donnie gave their attention to their younger brother. They wanted to give him the same support he had shown when the two of them spoke about their experiences just moments ago. Mikey was a great listener, but when it came to his own self, he clammed up a bit. The boy seemed like had something he wanted to say, but he always held back. There was something he just wasn’t telling anybody.

Mikey wasn’t sure what to say. He couldn’t tell them his darkest secrets- well, he wouldn’t say they were so dark... more like, it would be so mean of him to brag about being the favorite, the one who received Splinter’s “special treatment”, something his father had told him would make the others very jealous, should he inform them.

Though, if Michelangelo were being transparently honest, he was scared sometimes for reasons he didn’t quite understand. He knew he was supposed to be grateful and happy, he would be a spoiled brat if he wasn’t, but he couldn’t help but feel so uncomfortable, and sad more often than even he realized.

Mikey felt his hammock was the safest place for him within the lair. He could lay there safely, feeling like a cat tucked into a warm blanket. There was only room for one, and knowing that gave him a sense of security. There was a part of him inside that constantly ached to tell his brothers. A part of him that knew, subconsciously, that this “special treatment” wasn’t all it seemed.

He knew his brothers had sometimes seen him receive a toy or candy when they hadn’t. Though they didn’t say anything, Mikey could tell it made them jealous. Who could blame them, though? On the surface, it looked like he was getting a treat from their father.

Underneath it all, it went much deeper than that. Even Mikey himself didn’t understand that his situation wasn’t all what it seemed. At the ripe age of thirteen, he was barely a teenager. He was still just a child.

Michelangelo couldn’t tell them. The youngest didn’t want them to be upset with him.

Maybe just talking about his feelings would be enough, without telling anything else. He not only wanted to appease his brothers, but Mikey also wanted to get some comfort, too. He still felt so sad and scared sometimes, even if he didn’t feel that he deserved to. If Leo and Donnie could open up, then couldn’t he? Just a little? Raph said he would, too, after everyone else.

He hoped his biggest brother would keep his promise. Dr. Delicate Touch would be angry if he didn’t.

“If it’s ok, maybe I could show you guys inside my private sketchbook?” He gulped, looking in the direction of his bedroom. “I-I want to pick what you guys see, but maybe I could show something?“

The others gave him a comforting smile.

“That’s absolutely ok, little man.”

Mikey nodded at the approval and quickly ran off to his room to grab his sketchbook. Since the older three had a minute to themselves, Raph rubbed his eyes and sighed.

“I worry about that kid. I have for awhile, honestly.” The snapper looked over at the two middle children. “I just want everyone to be ok. I want to fix everything for you guys-“

“You can’t change dad, Raph. That’s not in your control.” Leo butted in, “Don’t blame yourself.”

Donnie nodded and folded his arms. “I’m with Nardo on that. We can work on how we get along together, but dad isn’t just… going to change because we want him to.”

The three boys shared a saddened sigh. It hurt Raph a lot that his two fourteen year old brothers had so little hope for improvement from their father. Though, he couldn’t blame them, the snapper had as much hope in Splinter changing than he did in The Shredder becoming a good person.

And that was saying something. It was saying that from the bottom of his broken heart, he didn’t expect that anything he or his brothers tried to say or do would make a difference with their ex-actor of a father.

Before Raph could speak, Mikey jogged back into the room, clutching his private sketchbook close to his chest.

“Guys! I’m back!” Mikey scanned their faces, and frowned. “Did you guys talk about something without me?”

Everyone broke out into nervous excuses.

“No way little man! We were talking about.. Jupiter Jim!”

“What? No! We were just waiting for you bro!

“No, we did not in fact verbally converse about you during your absence from this room.”

Mikey put a hand on his hip. “Yeah?” He really hoped his brothers were telling the truth. It seemed like the three of them were always a step ahead of the youngest. It felt so unfair that just because he was very slightly younger (alright, one to two years, but still! he was a growing boy!) that he was constantly left out of the loop.

It was obvious his brothers just wanted to protect him and keep the newly-turned-teenager at minimal stress levels, but if anything, it stressed him out even more to be left out of a conversation. Even a tiny one.

“Well...” Mikey held the sketchbook out in his hands, and shuffled closer to the group. “I want to pick what you guys see, but I brought this.”

His older brothers studied not only the cover of the sketchbook carefully, but Mikey’s body language. Their littlest brother seemed anxious.

Raphael put a comforting hand on his nervous brother’s shoulder. “Take your time, little man.”

With a nod, Mikey held the book close to him and flipped through some of the pages. Which drawings could he show his brothers? Which ones would be too much, and make them mad at him? He really didn’t want his three big brothers- and secretly, his heroes- to be angry at him.

A few moments later, he landed on something he was comfortable- as much as he could be, at least- with showing.

Nervously, he turned the book around so his brothers could see what he chosen for them to view inside.

Raphael’s eyes scanned the image, very carefully. He wasn’t sure what to make of this picture. Though he didn’t know what exactly the story behind the drawing was, he did know that it was planting a seed of great worry in his stomach.

The drawing depicted (who seemed to be) Michelangelo laying in a bed, and next to him was a shadowy, faceless figure looming over the side. The figure was close to Mikey, who’s eyes were actually marked out with black. The style of the drawing was unlike anything he had ever seen from his baby brother. The linework was sketchy, and the edges were blotted, almost in a way that spoke that Mikey was feeling very devastated about something when this was drawn.

That broke his big brother’s heart.

He took a glance over at Donnie and Leo, who were just as carefully intaking the image. Much like himself, the other two’s faces showed growing concern.

It was hard to tell a theme behind this piece. Between the three of them, they couldn’t figure out if it was meant to be literal, or figurative.

Mikey broke the silence, snapping everyone from their thoughts. “I... sort of have nightmares sometimes. I, um, I draw them. When I can’t go back to sleep...”

It made Raph unhappy to learn that his youngest brother was also dealing with so much inner turmoil. Though he knew it was unrealistic that Michelangelo would be living carefree and innocently, the snapper had hoped deep down everything was perfect for him.

“What does this piece mean?”

Mikey faced Donnie, who had spoken directly to him. It made him nervous to be asked that type of question. To be honest, not even Mikey himself quite knew what it meant. His subconscious knew that it was a very well disguised cry for help, but the box turtle himself felt oblivious to his own trauma.

“Um... it means I just feel scared?” Mikey shrugged. His growing anxiety made it harder for him to clearly think about what had been going through his mind when he made the picture.

Most of his darker artwork came into being after nightmares. The dreams that tortured his mind, nearly nightly, would often cause the poor thirteen year old to wake up in a panicked sweat. Sometimes he would go to one of his big brothers for some comfort, usually Raph, and sometimes Leo, but in some cases he could barely bring himself to move or speak. Other times he would wearily roll off of his hammock, and free his mind one of the only ways he knew how to on his own.

He would draw a picture resembling what exactly he was feeling.

In the moment, Mikey could almost understand what was happening to him. He was almost able to make sense of what he was putting onto paper, and just how horrible the way he had been being treated was. All too soon, as soon as he lifted the marker from his paper, he was back to feeling so confused and lost.

Michelangelo could never stay angry or hurt with his father for long. He had such a hard time being able to recall why he was scared or upset in the first place much of the time. All he knew was that he couldn’t talk about it to his brothers, because he would make them extremely jealous and upset by doing so.

Splinter had told him so, himself.

“Angelo?”

The box turtle blinked out of his thoughts. “Sorry guys, I was just thinking… I guess, I feel sad sometimes. My bad dreams make me feel that way, too.”

His brothers gave him a sympathetic nod in response. They all felt bad for their younger brother, and it was hard to hear that he struggled so often with nightmares and complicated, scary feelings.

Raphael was at a personal crossroads. Given the nature of what his brother was drawing, it was clear he felt unsafe. The question was, why, and how? It crossed his mind that, just like with the others, his father could be the problem. Getting Mikey to talk about anything was tough, but not in the sense that he was reserved and isolated, like Donatello. The thirteen year old was still very young and impressionable, and often had to ask questions to make sense of even the smallest things in their lives. With things like The Shredder, he seemed to keep a carefree and innocent attitude on the surface, though it was very evident that unsettling feelings stirred inside his baby brother.

Mikey was too young to understand things happening to him on a complicated level. He confronted things, and reacted to them, differently than his brothers.

Due to this, Raphael acknowledged that he most likely will need to take a different, and perhaps more discreet approach with his younger brother. “Do you have any other drawings you want to show us, buddy?”

The youngest nodded his head, and brought the book closely too himself again, to privately flip through the pages. There was one other drawing he felt like he could show them, and that maybe— just maybe they’d understand.

Though that was his subconscious speaking. Mikey in his forefront would never want to get into what it could possibly mean.

After a few moments, he flipped the sketchbook back around to show his brothers what he had made.

The page was completely blacked out. There was a humanoid, though featureless body sketchily drawn in the middle with a white pen. All over the form laid hands, namely on the face, arms, and legs, drawn and fully inked with white marker.

Something about this drawing didn’t sit right with the three older brothers. They couldn’t quite say why, and it definitely seemed like Mikey wasn’t going to. From what they could gather, his nightmares were very much bothering him. Is this how their environments, in and out of the lair, were causing him to feel? Feeling like you’re in danger almost everyday took its toll. Especially when the feeling didn’t fade in your own home.

“I hope this isn’t bad of me to show.” Mikey looked nervously at his feet.

All three of his brothers jumped to comfort and reassure him. None of them wanted to think they’d ever be afraid at the youngest for showing his personal artwork. They wanted to know what was on his mind, even if it was through artwork that was difficult to transcribe the meaning of.

“No, buddy, of course not!”

“It’s ok to feel sad!”

“Expressing yourself through artwork is a healthy outlet.”

With that, Mikey sighed. He closed up his private sketchbook, and set it down at his side. Twiddling his thumbs, he wondering if there was much else he should, or could even say.

“I feel stressed and scared a lot. I don’t know why I feel it sometimes, because I’ll just be playing video games with you guys and suddenly feel super anxious, like something terrible is coming up...”

Raph leaned over and squeezed the youngest into a tight hug. “It’s ok, little man. It’s ok to feel the way you do, and I’m always here to protect you, alright? Raph’s always got you.”

Given that now wasn’t the time to pry into things, Raphael made mental notes to investigate his youngest brother later. The lack of information didn’t seem to be exactly on purpose, but his little brother was still being so vague that it seemed like he was hiding something. It was something the snapper wasn’t going to forget about, that’s for sure.

“Um, thanks.” Mikey really liked when his brothers would hug him. It was one of the few things that made him feel genuinely safe, especially when he was in the arms of his oldest and biggest brother. Raphael was so big and strong, he felt like no one could touch him when his big brother was around.

Raph pulled back from the hug and looked at his other brothers. “I really do love all of you. I’m sorry about everything, and I’m sorry about my own negligence.” A sigh escaped him as he hung his head low. He didn’t want to show how truly ashamed he was in himself for failing all of his brothers so horribly, but the eldest felt that at the very least, he could apologize.

Leo rolled his eyes. “Duuude, really? Not this again.” Hadn’t they just gone over that earlier this entire conversation? For whatever reason, his older brother had a weird obsession with blaming literally everything on himself. The slider meant that to the absolute T.

Donnie took sides with Leo. “Raph, we went over this when Michael left the room-“

Mikey’s attention was more than caught by that statement. “So you DID talk about something without me!” He huffed, waiting for an explanation from his brothers.

The three of them began to nervously look around the room, in a way that definitely spoke that they’d been found out.

“Little man! We, uh, listen-“

“Whaaaaat, noooo-“

“The others did, I’m innocent”

Michelangelo wasn’t convinced, not this time. “You guys are meanies, sometimes…” He folded his arms across his chest, but didn’t seem all too interested in arguing about it. He stuck his tongue out at the three of them.

Raph rubbed the back of his head. “I’m sorry, Mikey, it really wasn’t anything all that important-“

Donnie cut him off. “It was just Raph blaming every catastrophic event in the whole wide world on himself, as usual.” His tone was sarcastic, yet the undertone was ‘Raph is blaming himself for how dad is treating everyone’.

Mikey squinted at this. “Ok. Hey Raph?”

The eldest in the room squeaked. “Y-yeah, lil bro?”

Mikey gave his biggest-of-brothers big, glowing puppy dog eyes. “Remember when you said you’d talk too, after everyone else?”

All eyes were back on Raphael, which made the snapper very nervous. Admittedly, he had been aiming to worm his way out of sharing anything today. He had initially started this conversation to help and bond with his brothers, not his own self. This wasn’t something he needed to participate in, as the oldest.

“Heh, guys…” Raph gave a soft laugh, but nobody so much as grinned with him. He gulped. “I guess I do…” He began to sweat, and along with it came his infamous ‘Fear Stink’.

Leonardo and Donatello plugged their noses, though mostly jokingly. “We smell your lies, dude!”

“Raph!” Mikey was frowning, with his cheeks puffed out. Big brothers could be such a pain! “You promised! Come on!”

The oldest in the room squeezed his eyes shut momentarily. He knew what he had said earlier, and he didn’t want to hurt his brothers by lying to them, but it just felt so impossible for him to say… well, virtually anything.

What could his problem possibly be, aside from with himself? As the oldest (and largest) brother, he was inherently the most protected out of all of them. Physically. Emotionally too, right? He had to be. He needed to be. The snapper was six feet tall. Out of the four brothers, he was the strongest. Heavy items could be lifted without so much as a broken sweat, not to mention the knockout punches the snapper could pack. He could be perfect offense and defense for their team. There was nothing their father could possibly do to hurt him. Raph was sturdy. He could hold his own.

“As the oldest, it is your responsibility to care for your brothers.”

Those words had resonated with Raphael for as long as he could remember, since the day they had been spoken to him. He was young at the time, and didn’t fully understand the true extent of his father’s words. What he could remember was nodding along, while sipping his juice. He couldn’t have been older than seven.

“If harm comes any of their ways, that is on you. You have to protect your brothers. You have a duty to keep them safe.”

The remembrance of those words caused him to shudder. Then, the eldest of the four teens felt an immense guilt wash over him. Splinter had given him such a huge responsibility so long ago, and he had failed.

His baby brothers were hurting, and it was all his fault. It made the aching teen feel sick to his stomach. How could he have ever known that the person his siblings needed to be protected from was their own father? It was more than he knew how to even process.

Why hadn’t he done better? There was so much that he still didn’t know. Everything his brothers had solemnly disclosed today was only surface level. All of this made his heart, and head hurt so, so much. He had done his brothers so horribly wrong.

“Raph? You’re crying again.”

Donnie had been the one to point it out to him. Reluctantly, the snapper reached up to touch his own cheek. When had be began to cry?

“I… I didn’t notice. Sorry, guys.” He quickly scrubbed the tears from his eyes, and looked back over to his brothers.

“No one said you had to stop?” Leo asked, his statement coming off in a way that spoke ‘why did you stop?’.

The youngest of the four put a gentle hand on his older brother’s knee. “Yeah! It’s ok to cry, Leo did earlier. Like a baby!”

“Hey!” Leo interjected “You didn’t have to say it like that!” There was literally no reason his younger brother had to phrase it that way, yet he did. Perhaps Mikey following in his favorite brother’s jokester footsteps?

Donnie snorted. “Yeah, Raph, he cried, and cried and-“

“EVERYONE GETS IT!” Leo was sporting a full blush, causing everyone in the room, Raphael included, to laugh.

It felt nice to have a little release of the tension that had built up during the past hour-or-so.

Raph sighed. It was hard to be open with his brothers, as hypocritical as that seemed. He practically begged his younger siblings to come to him for anything they may need, comfort, advice, help, etcetera.

It felt wrong of him to open up, as the team’s leader, and protector. Everything was on him, from keeping everyone safe, to providing for everyone’s physical and mental needs. Etcetera, etcetera.

The snapper rubbed the back of his head, for the fifth time the entire conversation. He sure had a habit of doing that. “I just, I just don’t know what to say, guys... I’m the oldest, I’m your protector. I failed all of you.” He held his breath. “It’s bad enough that I’ve messed up on missions, but it just feels like something else knowing I messed up so hugely protecting you from—“

He cut himself off, though unmeaning. The words became caught in his throat. A feeling of self-directed hatred washed over him. Raph wanted to shove himself into a wall, punch himself in the face, and scream ‘HOW DARE YOU’ into his own, pathetic face. In that moment, it felt entirely warranted and deserved.

It’s something he’d consider for later.

“But what about you, Raph?”

It was hard to understand what exactly Michelangelo meant by that.

“Huh? What?” The snapper cocked his head confusedly. “What do you mean, Mikey?”

The youngest of Raph’s brothers let out a slightly irritated, yet still patient sigh. “Who’s protecting you?”

Raphael felt taken aback. He still didn’t quite understand what Mikey had meant. No one needed to protect someone like him. As the oldest, sturdiest, and strongest, he was his own protector, soother, and guardian. He didn’t want, nor expect that type of treatment from his brothers.

He raised a brow. “Eh? Little man, Raph’s just fine looking after himself—“

“THAT’S WHAT I MEAN!”

Raph jolted in complete surprise. A reaction so strong was something he hadn’t anticipated to come from Michelangelo in that moment.

“Mikey? Guys?” He scanned all of their faces. Leo and Donnie shared a similar, stunned look that Raph currently wore himself. The youngest getting so fired up definitely wasn’t something any of them had expected.

Mikey put a hand to his own chest. “Why can’t we protect you from dad too! On missions, everyone looks out for each other-“ His eyes began to fill with tears. “You said you wanted to talk about all of us. You said you were worried about us, and Raph? We’re worried about you too!” He slowly began to break into sobs.

“Y-you… you shut yourself away too! Sometimes, you feel even further away than Donnie, you put yourself so far away while staying so close!”

What? Had he really been doing that? All Raphael ever wanted to do was be there for his brothers, and support them. Was it really required to accept the reciprocation? He didn’t need it! He was fine! He was strong! He-

“Mikey-“

“Why Raph! Why do you expect us all to come to you, but then you won’t come to any of us! You’re not so much older, you know!” Mikey wiped the tears streaming down his face. “You just… you’ll cry for other people in front of us, but you refuse to cry for yourself!”

“Hey, it’s ok Mikey-“ Leo had gotten up from where he’d been sitting previously to put a hand on his younger brother’s shoulder. “Raph doesn’t mean to… right?”

All eyes were on Raph, patiently waiting for— no, demanding an answer. They wanted to hear from their big brother what exactly he felt about accepting help from any of his brothers.

It was answer that was hard to give. It was something that had been deeply rooted into him so long ago, that it was him who must protect his brothers. It was him who must care for, guide, and nurture his brothers. They had no obligation to do the same for him. Splinter had told him this when he was only seven.

If only Raphael knew he was still just a child.

It all brought him back to a specific memory.

There was a time, shortly after Splinter had placed the weight of the world on his seven-year-old son’s shoulders, when Raph had been placed in charge of his three younger brothers, once again. He had been told to keep a close eye on all three of them.

Unbeknownst to the young snapper, Little Mikey had ran off by himself into the sewers. The tot had just wanted to play, completely unaware of the dangers that lay in the depths of the conduit system.

Raphael had turned just for a second to play with a toy. He had been so interested in a broken toy car he had found in the nearby sewer outskirts earlier that same day, floating in the water just inside the perimeter of where he and his brothers were allowed to play.

“Red, where is your brother?”

The young turtle turned to face his father. At this point in time, Raphael was wearing his broken football helmet, along with his (slightly oversized) red shirt. “He’s over there!” He pointed, though to his surprise, Mikey hadn’t been where he had been playing just seconds ago.

“..Huh?”

“RED! I told you to look after your brother!”

“He was there! H-he-“

Splinter had began to shout random things that he couldn’t quite recall. All he knew that he was put up on his feet, and told to run and find his brother. Leonardo and Donatello had been left alone to do their own respective things. If he was recalling correctly, Donnie had been quietly reading a book alone (his brother had taught himself to read, which he had found amazing), and Leo was napping.

Raph remembered not struggling all that much to find his brother, though it was catching up to him that was difficult. Man, Mikey could run fast for a five year old!

He remembered screaming ahead for Mikey to come back, but his carefree happy brother continued to run excitedly. Of course he had thought it was a game!

Remembering the in-between(s) of the chase was hard, but all Raphael could recall for the aftermath was having blistered, bloody feet from running entirely barefoot on rugged ground behind his brother, who miraculously came out of the chase without a scratch.

All else he could remember was being left alone to soak his feet in the tub, after Splinter had carried the two of them home. He wasn’t asked if he was alright. His father was disappointed that he had so carelessly let his baby brother out of his sight.

Raphael was left to crawl back to his room. He hadn’t been thanked for catching up to his younger brother. He wasn’t bandaged, or comforted. Though his father hadn’t directly expressed disappointment, at least to his memory, the scowl Splinter had worn spoke that he was ashamed of his eldest son. Raph was simply told “That will do”.

He cried himself to sleep into his favorite teddy bear after washing up.

He had never wanted to be looked at that way ever again. It was one time of many more to come.

“-Aph?”

The eldest blinked. His mind had been wandering for a minute or two.

“Raph?” Another one of his brothers called out to him. Leo, this time. He couldn’t tell who had spoken the first.

He rubbed at his eyes. “Sorry, just got lost in thought.” Looking down at his hands, he formulated a response for the question he had neglected to answer. “I... It’s hard for me to talk, sometimes. Being the oldest, and the leader, I’m the most accountable for all of you.”

His lips were trembling. “None of you are required to care for me. I was told that a long time ago-“

Leo put a hand up, as if to stop Raph in his place. “Hold up, what? Who said that?” He questioned, though it was one he already knew the answer to. Who couldn’t? If everyone else’s pain led back to Splinter, then it was evident this had too.

“Uh...” Raph could feel the tears stinging in his eyes again. He wasn’t sure if he could scrub them away as though they were never there to begin with like last time. “Dad.”

The answer was short, but it was transparent. To his three brothers, that one word explained all they needed to know about their older brother’s behavior.

The weight of the entire world had been on his shoulders since he was just a kid. It was an unbearable pressure for one person to hold. Especially a teenager. A child.

In a rare moment of vulnerability for the snapper, he broke into a sob in front of brothers.

For the record, he had cried in front of them before, for instance, when there was an emotional scene in a movie, or one of his teddy bears had lost a button, or if his brothers had told him something that just broke his heart. He had even cried during some of the most crucial moments of their lives where his brothers could see.

This was different. He had never sobbed openly, and rawly, in relation to his own struggles. Not in front of his brothers. Even alone, he would never admit he was in pain. Raph doesn’t feel pain!

But he did, and he felt it to his very core.

Leo, Donnie, and Mikey all nodded to each other. They knew exactly what they needed to do. Coming together, the three of them centered their bawling older brother in a tight, safe hug.

Raph felt nice, being in the middle of the embrace. For most other group hugs, Raphael had been the one to scoop his three little brothers into his arms every single time. It was a foreign, but not necessarily uncomfortable feeling to have it reciprocated to him.

The snapper continued to cry for awhile. He wasn’t sure for how long, but he could feel Donnie rubbing his shell, Leo reassuring him that everything was ok, and Mikey was just giving his biggest-of-brothers a big ol’ hug.

After awhile, he began to calm down. He wiped his eyes, and hugged his brothers close to him.

“I don’t know what came over me just now…sorry.” Raph smiled weakly, though his brothers didn’t seem too fond of the unneeded apology.

Donnie and Leo groaned in unison. “Oh my god dude, you don’t need to apologize for literally crying-“

Alright. That was it. The final straw had been pulled.

Michelangelo was at his limit. He needed to set his brother straight, and he knew just the person to help. More-so, Mikey knew which one of his many (very credible) doctorates he could put to use.

“This looks like a job for Dr. Delicate Touch.”

Oh, Raphael was in it now. He braced for the verbal impact.

Michelangelo cleared his throat.

“JUST CRY, GODDAMN! LET IT OUT MAN!”

The box turtle then let out a deep breath. After his small rant, he resumed hugging his third favorite brother (the attitude Raph had been displaying was not helping his case, that’s for sure!).

At first, Raph blankly stared. Then he blinked. After that, he exploded into laughter. It was from one emotion to another with this guy.

The laughter was confusing to his brothers, for a moment. Why was Raph cracking up all of a sudden? Had they said or done something funny? Was he upset?

Raph squeezed all of his brothers in for one of his signature, shell-breaking tight hugs. “Oh, you guys... sor- I mean, uh, like, the laughter is because I felt weirdly comfortable just then.”

“Lame response, bro.”

Donnie smacked Leo on the back of his head, getting an “ow!” from the slider.

All Raph could do was roll his eyes. His brothers were so silly, but he wouldn’t trade any of them for the entire world. He loved each of his amazing brothers so much.

“It means a lot that you guys had this talk with me.”

The four had them separated from the hug, to reconvene for one last acknowledgement. Everyone had said as much as they were going to for the night, but that was perfectly alright. It was the first of many talks to come.

“I’m sorry I tried to back out. I just... I was really only realizing the importance of your parts, and not mine.” If Raph were being completely honest, it was still difficult for him to recognize the importance of his own struggles. To himself, he felt like this display of weakness had been inappropriate. He felt guilty, because the comfort from his brothers had felt very nice.

For now, he was going to set his insecurities aside. He needed to keep a positive attitude for the night, especially after everything the four of them had discussed together.

Mikey nodded. “That’s the only apology you’re allowed to give tonight!”

The two middle children agreed with their youngest brother. “He’s right, big guy! Chill out with those.” Donnie muttered a quick “what he said” under his breath, in response to Leo’s comment towards the eldest.

“Right, right.” With a laugh, Raph stood back up to his feet. He wasn’t about to leave the room, but he did have one last statement to make to his brothers.

“A big reason I wanted to have this talk was to get to the root of our distance, and dysfunction as brothers. From what everyone’s talked about… it seems to be dad.” A sad sigh released from his aching body. “Though there isn’t much we can do to change his ways, we can change the way we interact, and communicate, as brothers. We need to stay close. All we have is each other.”

There was nothing the other turtles could do but agree. They wanted to be closer. Having an irreparable rift come between them due to their father’s abuse was the last thing any of the boys wanted to happen.

“Thanks for bringing this up, Raph. I’m sorry for giving you trouble at the start.” Donnie spoke, looking directly at his brother in red.

“Oh! Don’t worry about that, it’s ok Donnie.” Raph gave the soft-shell a pat on the head in return.

Soon after, the four of them began returning their individual activities. Nicely enough, the air of the room had completely changed. Any lingering tension had seemed to fade entirely, at least for now. All four teens were now sitting in a comfortable silence, just enjoying being around the other.

Keeping their bonds tight was important. They needed to stand with, and support one other. Though everything was far from being fine, this talk was a start for the brothers.

Raphael hoped that at the very least, his brothers would be more open about their struggles, self-inflicted or otherwise.

Yeah. He definitely had a lot more to address with his younger brothers. More than the snapper could ever realize was to come.

For tonight, however, they would all sit and bask in each other’s company. For the first time in months, possibly years, every single one of them in the room felt completely safe. The feeling wasn’t going to last forever, but even if only for a night, it was relieving to be able to fully unwind.

Hopefully, this conversation could serve as a new beginning.