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Ever since Todd can remember, he never completely understood love.
Of course he understood to love someone or something, like how he does his brother or his childhood favourite book, but being in love with someone was different.
From stories of knights saving princess, to the gossip he'd overheard from his mother's friends at her book club, to the excited talks of the boys in the locker room, the topic of romance was almost inescapable. It's not like he had a problem with romance, far from it. He enjoyed his fair amount of love poems as much as the average person. He had gotten excited when Jeff had first written home about his girlfriend, later fiance.
It was, however, the talk about the certain person that would fill your stomach with butterflies, that would make you so nervous that you'd trip over your words as your face would blush until you were nothing but a flustered mess.
It was that certain person that scared Todd. By god, he already struggled to get words out to someone on an average day. So the idea of someone who'd make him feel more nervous than he already did made him feel nauseous.
He didn't understand falling in love, until he met Neil Perry.
He hadn't even realised he'd fallen in love until he saw him on that stage. The way Neil commanded the audience's attention just by his stage presents alone left him completely enamoured. Of course he knew Neil was good, he'd seen him practise his lines with him over and over again, but seeing him on stage was different. It was exactly like he belonged there, like he was destined to perform.
So when Neil came out after the play and hugged him so hard as he spun him around dramatically in mutual excitement, and as Neil put his arm around his shoulder as they walked with the other poets to Mr Keating's car, Todd felt nothing but completely safe in his arms.
That was the thing about Neil, he left Todd feeling safe and calm. He made him feel comfortable.
He should've released it sooner. How could've of he not fallen in love with Neil Perry?
Neil just was that kind of person. He was naturally kindhearted and he looked after those around him. He had that aura around him that made others look up to him and respect him, Todd included. Neil was also, however, stubborn, especially when it came to something he wanted. And if it was wanting his new quiet roommate to be his friend, then so be it.
So ever since Todd arrived at Welton, Neil was there for him. No matter how Todd tried to push him out of the little bubble he built around himself, Neil found his way back in.
He went out of his way to include Todd in their group, he went out his way to make sure he was comfortable.
Having someone who actually tried to pull you out of your own little world felt weird. He was so used to staying in his own head, keeping to himself so having that kind of person left him confused. Although, he didn't hate it.
He still remembers those honest brown eyes burning into his soul, followed by a confident smirk.
"No."
A simple single word never meant so much to him. He still hears that word echo around the room. A simple confirmation. For the first time, Todd didn't feel completely alone, that he actually had someone who'd be there for him. To feel secure.
He first realised he felt something towards Neil as he watched the desk set fly off the roof. Neil seemed to try to understand him, the frustration, the hurt, and managed to cheer him up in a way that felt right. While Todd at the time had released the growing warmth in his chest, he couldn't put it into words. The poet in heart only fed him vague stanzas of light. He didn't understand what it was but it honestly didn't matter. He had him there with him.
He of course now had a group of friends that cared for him, but with Neil it felt different. He never understood why till that night upon the stage. The realisation didn't even scare him.
Unlike those stories, he felt calm.
For it was with Neil who he could truly be himself.
He didn't have to worry about what he'd say into the dark of the dorm as he knew across from him was someone listening intently, never judging. He felt himself be more relaxed as he now had someone to laugh at his dry jokes or calm him down when everything felt like too much.
He was his best friend but it felt like he was so much more. Finding out the feeling was mutual after an embarrassing ordeal of accidentally handing over the wrong poem, felt like a reassurance.
Of course he still blushed and became flustered when Neil would shower him with compliments with utmost honesty. At the same time it always left him feeling giddy.
And when they kissed for the first time, it was nothing but electrifying, like his hand belongs in Neil's hair or Neil's hand on the small of Todd's back.
He feels love in all their little actions. From their hands brushing against each other in the hall, the reassurance from a squeeze on the shoulder, to a hand combing the others hair as they talk into the night.
It's the afternoons spent as Neil reads out loud as Todd writes beside him. It feels like they fit together just like a puzzle. They feel so different yet so similar at the same time.
Of course he enjoys spending time with the other poets, their meetings always brighten up a bad day. He feels a different kind of love when he can't help but smile and laugh at Charlie's jokes, when he helps Knox write his latest love letter to Chris or when Meeks and Pitts excitingly show off their latest experiment. Hell, he even enjoys Cameron's conversations from time to time. It's a different kind of love but feels just as important.
Try as he might, he'll never be able to fully encapsulate the love he feels in those little things. In the end, it doesn't really matter when he has a muse that fills him with inspiration to last a whole career and beyond.
Even as graduation seems to draw closer and closer, the teachers' pressure is ever so looming. The talks of deciding a future career, if your parents haven't already for you, currently occupy the halls. The world outside their little dorm room doesn't matter for now as they lie together with hushed laughs. Whispers of bigger dreams and plans of a future together occasionally filling the comforting silence.
Todd may never understand love but he understands that he loves Neil Perry, and that is enough.