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At the end of that first season, Carson went back to Charlie. Riddled with guilt over what he’d seen that day on the porch, she promised him that she’d stay with him, that she didn’t love Greta the way she loved him. It was a lie, of course, but it was a lie she had to live in order to keep herself safe, in order to keep Greta safe.
The next year, the League got another season, but Carson didn’t go back. She stopped playing baseball entirely, knowing that it would only remind her of Greta and the summer that they’d shared. And so the years went on, and Carson and Charlie eventually had a child, a beautiful baby girl named Charlotte May Shaw. The years continued to march on and on, and Charlotte eventually got married to a good man and settled down to start a family of her own. Before Carson knew it, Charlotte’s son, David, was married with two children, Anna and Will.
When Charlie died of cancer in 2003, Anna was five, and Will was three. For the first time in a long time, Carson allowed herself to think about Greta, wondering what she’d think of the life she’d built for herself. Sure, she loved Charlotte and David and Anna and Will with all her heart, but something was missing, something she let herself think about more and more now that Charlie was gone, even if she was far too old to entertain anything.
But the years went on, and suddenly it was 2012, and 14 year-old Anna was showing Carson the latest album by the girl’s favorite singer, Taylor Swift. The album was sad, focusing on the heart breaks of the young star, and Carson found herself once again thinking of Greta Gill and the life she’d left behind all those years ago.
“This reminds me of my young heart break,” Carson whispered.
“But I thought Grandpa Shaw was the only man you ever loved?” Anna replied.
Carson shook her head sadly at her great granddaughter. “I may have been stretching the truth a bit, honey.”
Before Anna could reply, the next song began, softer and sadder than the one before it.
I bet
This time of night you're still up
I bet
You're tired from a long hard week
I bet
You're sittin' in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I bet
Sometimes you wonder 'bout me
And oh, if that didn’t take her back 70 years to a conversation in the kitchen of the only house where she’d ever felt like she truly belonged.
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do I almost do
And the months after that conversation she spent fighting every urge to pick up the pen and write, before the urge faded from a sharp pain to a dull, constant ache, like a missing limb.
I bet
You think I either moved on or hate you
'Cause each time you reach out there's no reply
I bet
It never ever occurred to you
That I can't say "Hello" to you
And risk another goodbye
The dozen letters Greta had sent that first year, all of them unanswered because, while Carson desperately wanted to reach out, she knew it would only break her in the end.
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do I almost do
Carson was fighting back tears now, mind flooded with the stolen moments of that one summer that had changed everything and nothing all at once.
Oh, we made quite a mess, babe
It's probably better off this way
And I confess, babe
In my dreams you're touching my face
And asking me if I wanna try again with you
And I almost do
The dreams that, from time to time, still woke Carson up, rendering her sad and distant for the rest of the day, lost in the memory of what could have been.
And I just wanna tell you
It takes everything in me, not to call you
And I wish I could run to you
And I hope you know that every time I don't
I almost do I almost do
The tears fell freely down Carson’s face now, much to her great granddaughter’s alarm. Anna moved to pause the music, but Carson gripped her arm. “Finish the song.”
I bet
This time of night you're still up
I bet
You're tired from a long hard week
I bet
You're sittin' in your chair by the window
Looking out at the city
And I hope
Sometimes you wonder 'bout me
Anna immediately stopped the music, turning to Carson with her big brown eyes full of concern. “Grammy what’s wrong?”
“Don’t worry sweetheart, that song just brought up a lot of memories.”
“Do you want to talk about it? It must be pretty big, I mean, you and Grandpa Shaw were married for over 60 years, so this had to have been over 70 years ago.”
Carson thought back to the time she’d asked Anna about the pink, purple, and blue flag on her backpack and Anna had informed her that it meant she was attracted to girls as well as boys. Surely, if there was anyone in the family who was going to keep her secret, it would be Anna. “It was just under 70 years ago,” Carson started, steeling herself for what would not be an easy thing to talk about after so many years of silence.
“Is my math wrong?” Anna asked, a look of innocent confusion on her face.
“No Anna, your math isn’t wrong. The only person in this family who knew about this was Charlie, and even he didn’t really have the full story.”
“So you had an affair?” She demanded.
“I did, but it was a little more complicated than that,” Carson explained. “You know I played a season in the All American Girls’ Baseball League, right?”
“Yeah, you were on the Rockford Peaches, I did a report on the team in fifth grade.”
“Oh that’s right! I’d forgotten about that. Well, the reason I only played for one season was that during that season, I had an affair with a woman on the team,” Carson admitted.
She watched as Anna’s brain connected the dots. “What?”
“I had been unhappy in my marriage with your great grandfather for a while leading up to that, but I didn’t really understand why until she kissed me. It took me some time after that to accept that a relationship with her was something I wanted, and by that point it was almost the end of the season. So we had this whirlwind romance and I was going to leave Charlie after the season was over, both for her and for my own good, but he saw me kiss her goodbye on the porch of the team house. I stayed to protect her.” It felt good to finally say it all out loud after 69 long years, but it also hurt like hell.
“Oh, wow. What was her name?”
“Greta.” A name Carson hadn’t spoken in nearly 70 years.
“I take it you haven’t talked to her since then?”
“I always wanted to, but no, I never reached out.”
“Grammy that’s so sad!” Anna exclaimed. “I can’t believe you stayed with Grandpa Shaw for so long when you weren’t happy.”
“Some days I can’t believe it either, but it was a different time. The consequences for being like me back then were truly horrific. I wasn’t involved in the community for long enough to see the worst of it, but it wasn’t safe. If I had left Charlie to be with her, he would have turned her in to the police. I couldn’t risk that.”
“So that song hit a little bit too close to home?” Anna asked.
“It did, yes.” Carson responded. “I have spent the last 69 years wondering how she’s doing, and wondering if she ever thinks about me. But I’m sure she doesn’t, she dated many married women before me, so I’m sure there were many after me as well.”