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It was cold out. Yosuke shivered a bit as the wind picked up in the central shopping district; winter was beginning to set in, and his jacket didn’t do much to protect him anymore against the evening breeze.
Yosuke stood in front of one particular shop, despite knowing it was after hours. Instead of turning around (like he probably should have), he walked up the wooden steps and knocked on the wooden frame.
A minute passed.
This was so stupid. This was a bad idea. He was totally going to get decked for this. He should turn around and pretend this never happened, god, what was he thinking–
The door suddenly opened, and the elderly owner of the shop appeared.
“Hello, dear,” said Tatsumi. “I’m afraid our shop is closed for the evening. What brings you here?”
Yosuke shoved down his nerves. “H-hello, Tatsumi-san. Is, uh… is Kanji home?” he asked.
Tatsumi-san brightened. “He is. Are you one of his friends?” she asked.
Yosuke hesitantly nodded.
“Yosuke-senpai?” At that moment, Kanji appeared behind his mother. “What the hell are you doing here?”
“Kanji-kun, don’t be rude,” his mother chided gently.
Yosuke froze, unable to form the words he needed to say. “I…” He looked between Kanji and his mother nervously. “...I just wanted to talk. To you. About… some things.”
Yosuke mentally facepalmed at that awful excuse. He couldn’t help but feel like his partner would have handled that a lot better.
“O…kay.” Kanji seemed to catch on to something, because he turned to his mother. “I’m gonna be out here for a bit, Ma. You don’t gotta wait for me.”
She nodded, understanding the unspoken request for a bit of privacy. “Alright, Kanji-kun. Don’t be too long, though. It’s cold out.”
Kanji stepped out on the front step, and his mother slid the door shut behind him. Both of them listened to her move further into the house before either of them spoke.
Kanji folded his arms. “Alright, Yosuke, spill it. Why the hell are you at my house?” he asked, a hint of suspicion clear on his face. “You coulda just texted. Or called.”
Yosuke shuffled one of his shoes against the wooden step he was standing on, not looking at Kanji. All the words he’d been practicing on the way here had suddenly frozen in his chest. What could he even say?
Half a minute passed before Kanji seemed to lose his patience.
“Screw this.” Kanji turned towards the door.
“Wait– no, I’m not–” Yosuke stammered, before falling silent.
Kanji frowned at the silence. “Whatever. Talk to me when you actually wanna say somethin’. I’m not dealing with your bullshit.” He began to open the door.
No, no, this wasn’t good, this was spiraling completely out of control. He had to say something, start somewhere, just get him to understand that he knew he’d messed up–
“I’m sorry, okay?!” Yosuke said, a bit louder than he’d intended. “There, I said it! Happy?”
Kanji turned around again, looking at him in surprise.
“...For what?” he asked, narrowing his eyes. “Yosuke, what the hell are you talkin’ about?”
“I– You– You know!” Yosuke stammered oh-so-eloquently. “Everything!”
“...I don’t follow.”
Yosuke groaned and ran his hands over his face. Why was this so hard?!
“I’m sorry. For all the crap I said to you. I was a jerk.” Yosuke huffed. “So there.”
“...Okay,” Kanji said after a moment. “Thanks..?”
Yosuke’s mood lifted a bit. Would he really accept it? Would it be that easy?
“Where’s this comin’ from, though?” Kanji asked.
Damn it.
Yosuke felt heat creep up onto his face as he thought of the reason why. The slow realization he’d been having over the past few months, shaped like a certain dork with a gray bowl cut.
“That’s… a long story,” he said.
Kanji frowned. “I got time.”
Ugh. Yosuke knew he wasn’t getting out of this. He heaved out a sigh as he thought of where to start.
“Can I ask you something, dude?” Yosuke asked, looking away.
“Sure..?” said Kanji.
“...How did you first know you liked guys?”
A moment of silence passed.
“...On second thought, maybe we should talk inside.” Kanji slid open the door and stepped inside. “Hey, Ma! Do we have some more tea?” he called out.
“Of course! Go ahead and invite your friend inside, it’s quite chilly. I’ll put on another pot for you two,” she called back.
Kanji turned around. “Don’t just stand there, dumbass. You comin’ in or not?” he asked.
“I… yeah,” he said, following him inside and slipping his shoes off. “Thanks, dude.”
“Don’t mention it,” said Kanji, still looking unsure of his decision. “Seriously. You better not try to weasel out of explaining some shit, though.”
“Sounds great,” Yosuke replied unenthusiastically.
Yosuke quickly found himself in Kanji’s room. It shouldn’t have been as surprising as it was; they had shared a look when they realized Kanji’s mother was still in the kitchen area, and could easily overhear any conversation they had in the living room. For once, they were in agreement in wanting to keep the conversation private.
Even so, he hadn’t expected Kanji to take him to his room. Especially considering how much they didn’t get along. Kanji didn’t seem too happy about it either, so Yosuke simply kept his mouth shut.
The two of them awkwardly sat in silence for a minute, nursing their mugs of tea at the small, low table he had in his room. A quick glance around showed what looked like a ton of sewing and crafting projects scattered around the room, including some design drawings on the table that Kanji had shuffled aside when they sat down.
“Screw this,” said Kanji all of a sudden. He reached over and grabbed a basket full of red yarn and two huge metal needles, setting it in front of him. “If we’re gonna be talkin’ about this, I’m gonna knit. I’m halfway through this scarf, and I was gonna finish it tonight before you showed up.” Kanji gave Yosuke a brief hard look, as though daring him to make a comment, before getting to work on his scarf.
“...Okay,” Yosuke said, eyeing the knitting needles nervously. Yosuke really, really hoped Kanji wouldn’t be entertaining the thought of stabbing him with those; they looked pretty sharp. Maybe they could make a good substitute for his knives over in the TV World?
“So why the hell are you showin’ up at my house all of a sudden and askin’ about liking guys?” Kanji asked.
Yosuke fidgeted nervously, gripping his mug tightly. “I– I dunno if thats… really important, you know?”
Kanji’s permanent scowl deepened. “Answer the damn question, Yosuke. I ain’t tellin’ you shit if you don’t.”
Yosuke caught himself before he could protest again. The last thing he wanted to do was spill his feelings to Kanji of all people, and there was no way in hell Kanji would let it go if he didn’t. There was no chance of him accepting his half-baked apology, either.
It didn’t help that Yosuke secretly really needed his advice if he was ever going to figure this out for good. Dammit, Kanji had him cornered. Why had he thought this was a good idea?!
Yosuke looked everywhere except at Kanji.
“...I like Yu,” he finally admitted out loud. Those words felt foreign as he said them. “But I dunno if I like like him.”
A pause. Yosuke finally dared to look at Kanji, who was giving him a look that was somewhere between surprised and furious.
“Dude. If you’re the same as I am, then why the hell were you bein’ such a dick about it this whole time?” Kanji finally said.
Yosuke hunched his shoulders defensively. “Hey! Th-that’s not– I–” Every one of his usual arguments that sprang to mind fell flat, and he found himself unable to deny it, even to himself. He folded his arms with a huff. “Look, man, I said I was sorry. Let it go already.”
“Ain’t that simple, man,” Kanji muttered.
Yosuke winced. Of course it wasn’t. Why did Yosuke have any hope that this would go well?
“So…” said Kanji. “Lemme get this right. You’re freakin’ out cause… you think you like guys?”
“Of course I am!” said Yosuke. “Guys aren’t supposed to like guys!”
“And who the hell says that?” said Kanji, unimpressed.
“I—“ Yosuke faltered. “Everyone! Who doesn’t?!”
“So?” Kanji replied. “Why do you care? I thought you faced your shadow n’ all that stuff.”
“Dammit Kanji, I can’t take other people’s crap like you do!” Yosuke blurted out. Kanji looked at him with surprise, but words just kept coming out of Yosuke’s mouth, unable to stop. “I can’t just, you know— ignore everyone talking bad about me, or glare and crack my knuckles to get them to shut up, or beat up a whole biker gang—“ Yosuke caught himself before he could continue. “I’m not like you, Kanji. I can’t take that kind of stuff.”
Kanji’s expression was unreadable. “...Just ‘cause I do, doesn't mean I like it.”
It took a minute for Yosuke to remember. “Oh. Yeah. Your shadow said stuff about that, didn’t it?” he said. “Whatever. Forget about it. Now that I told you all that embarrassing stuff, can you please tell me?”
Kanji rolled his eyes at the obvious attempt to change the topic, but thankfully didn’t point it out. “Fine. You wanna know how I knew I liked guys?” he asked. “I had a crush on a dude back in middle school. Happy?”
“How’d you know it was a crush, though?” Yosuke asked, leaning forward. “How can you tell?”
Kanji looked down at the scarf he was knitting. “I didn’t, at first.”
“You– what?” said Yosuke, incredulous.
“Didn’t really think it was one. I just couldn’t stop thinkin’ about ‘im, I guess? Wanted to spend a ton of time together. Dude was just a really cool guy like that,” Kanji explained. “He moved with his parents to another town after middle school, though. Kinda thought about it for a while after, and it just fit. Didn’t help that all the other dudes would check out girls, n’ I just didn’t get into that crap.” Kanji looked Yosuke in the eye. “That answer your question?”
Yosuke processed his answer. Then processed it again. That… sounded way too similar to how Yosuke felt about Yu. Yosuke didn’t even think about girls as much as he thought about Yu.
Oh no.
Yosuke groaned and leaned forward, his forehead thumping against the table. Their mugs of tea rattled slightly.
“The hell’s wrong with you?” said Kanji.
Only a muffled answer came out.
“...Huh?”
“...I think I like Yu,” Yosuke repeated.
A pause.
“Yeah, kinda figured,” Kanji finally said.
Yosuke spluttered at that, lifting his head off the table. “Whaddaya mean, you figured?”
“Well, I mean, it makes sense, don’t it? The two of you hang out a lot.”
Yosuke’s face fell. Was it really that obvious? He let his head fall back to the table with a thunk.
“Is that all you wanted to talk about, or are you gonna keep havin’ a personal crisis in my room?” Kanji said, unimpressed.
Yosuke really should leave. It wasn’t like he and Kanji enjoyed each other’s company anyway, and if he could end this on a decent note before he could shove his foot in his mouth further, all the better. But an earlier part of their conversation nagged at him, and he found himself wondering.
“...Can I ask you one more thing?” Yosuke found himself saying.
Kanji’s scowl deepened. “Fine. What?”
Yosuke lifted his head off the table again. “Why’d you put up with me all year?” he asked.
Kanji went quiet as he considered his answer.
“...It ain’t really the first time I’ve had to deal with that kinda shit,” said Kanji. “Sure, I was pissed about it. But it would’ve sucked if it meant not bein’ able to hang out with you guys. I didn’t wanna throw that away just ‘cause of our stupid fightin’.”
“Dude…” Yosuke knew he was often annoying, but he was floored by how much self control Kanji apparently had. “You don’t have to put up with me just because you want to keep being friends with everyone. If it bothered you so much, why didn’t you say anything to the others?”
“Uh… I was kinda hopin’ you’d get over it,” Kanji admitted. “Don’t get me wrong, though. I would have decked you if you said that shit to me before I faced my shadow.”
Yosuke deflated a little. “...Noted.”
A brief silence passed between them.
“...If you still want to punch me, go ahead,” Yosuke said nervously. “I won’t stop you.”
“Dude, Yosuke, what the hell?” said Kanji. Yosuke looked up to see Kanji had stopped knitting and was now looking at him like he’d suddenly grown another head. “Why the friggin’ hell do you think I would do that?!”
Now it was Yosuke’s turn to be surprised. “I was a jerk to you all year! Why wouldn’t you?!”
“You think I’d enjoy doin’ that shit to you?” Kanji replied angrily. “Hell no. Pass.”
“But aren’t you still mad at me?” Yosuke pressed.
Kanji looked away, resuming his knitting. “...Yeah, a little. So?”
Yosuke opened his mouth, then closed it, unable to form a response.
A knock sounded at the door, startling both of them.
“Kanji-kun?” said Kanji’s mother, her voice coming through the door. “Is everything alright? I heard you two yelling.”
“N-nothin’, Ma! We’re good!” Kanji called back. “We’re just, uh… talkin’. About… stuff.”
A pause. “...Well, alright. Let me know if your friend would like any more tea.” The two of them heard her heading back towards the living room.
Kanji glanced towards Yosuke.
“...I’m good,” Yosuke said quickly.
Kanji went back to working on his scarf.
Yosuke huffed a laugh as he remembered what they were just talking about before the interruption. “You know, I also asked Yu to punch me.”
Kanji looked up at him, surprised. “Why? I thought you liked him?”
“I was… dealing with some stuff, so I thought fighting would help me get over it.” Yosuke snorted at the memory. “He told me to punch him too. We ended up knocking each other out.”
“The hell? He actually hit you?”
“Yeah. He’s actually got a pretty good right hook.”
“Huh.” Kanji looked thoughtful. “Never would’ve thought he’d agree to that.”
“Yeah,” Yosuke agreed. “Yu’s always full of surprises. He’s a weirdo.”
“Yeah, he is,” said Kanji. “That part of why you like him?”
Yosuke felt his face flush red. “I– Hey!” He looked away, grumbling under his breath. “...Kinda.”
“You ever gonna tell ‘im, or are you just gonna keep making’ eyes at him in the TV world while he’s not lookin’?” Kanji asked, not looking up from his knitting.
Yosuke felt his face go even redder. “I do not do that.”
… Oh god, does he do that?
“Yeah, you do,” he said. “Can’t believe I didn’t figure it out earlier.”
“Ugh. God, why did I even tell you any of this?” Yosuke muttered to himself, running his hands over his face.
“Beats me. You gonna get over yourself and tell ‘im or not?”
“No.” Yusuke frowned. “I dunno. I mean… I’m fine with just being best friends, I guess. Yu’s one of the only people who looked at me and didn’t think I was a total loser. Or the Junes kid.” Honestly, it was a miracle that he hadn’t annoyed him to death yet. Yu really was too nice for someone like him. “I’m not gonna screw that up.”
Kanji looked up, only giving him a long, unreadable glare.
Yosuke fidgeted nervously. “What? Do I have something on my face?” he asked. “...C’mon, man, don’t look at me like that. You’re freaking me out.”
“...’S nothin’,” Kanji muttered, before he went back to his knitting.
Yosuke looked at him in confusion for a moment, then sighed to himself. “Sorry for dumping all this on you, dude. Didn’t think I’d be spilling my guts out to you like this.”
“Believe me, I didn’t either,” said Kanji. “I thought you hated my guts.”
Yosuke sat upright. “What? No! Kanji, I don’t hate you.”
Kanji gave him a pointed look. “Really? ‘Cause you’ve done a real shit job of showin’ it.”
“I…” Yosuke deflated, recalling the many, many moments of how he’d acted towards him. “I know, man. I’m sorry.” After a moment of consideration, Yosuke held out a hand to shake. “Look, you don’t have to if you don’t want to, but… do you think we could… I dunno. Start over?”
Kanji looked at the offered hand. Then him. Then the hand again.
He then carefully placed his knitting back in the basket full of yarn. Yosuke had to admit, he was a little impressed; the scarf looked soft to the touch, and it was definitely at least ten centimeters longer than it had been when they had started.
“Alright. Fine. Whatever,” Kanji finally said, shaking his hand. “But I’m holdin’ you to that. If you go back to pullin’ the same old crap, I’ll beat your ass.”
Yosuke suppressed a shiver. He had no doubt Kanji could follow through on that promise.
“...Got it.” He quickly stood to his feet as soon as the handshake was done. Yosuke had no idea how he had managed to avoid sticking his foot in his mouth for this long, and he wasn’t willing to stick around long enough to find out. “I… should probably get going. I’ll leave you alone. With your scarf. Thing. Yeah,” he finished lamely.
The two of them headed over to the front door of the shop downstairs, both of them stopping for a moment for Yosuke to say goodnight to Kanji’s mother and thank her for the tea.
Yosuke was in the middle of grabbing his shoes when Kanji broke the awkward silence that had settled between them.
“Hey, uh… Yosuke?” Kanji asked, running one hand over the back of his neck. Yosuke turned to face him. “Thanks. For apologizin’. I wasn’t really expectin’ it.”
Yosuke only gave a rueful grin. “Yeah, me neither.”
Days passed, then weeks, as life moved on. They had managed to crack the case and beat the true culprit of the TV murders, and Nanako and Dojima were both fine. Things were finally calming down, and life slowly went back to normal.
Yosuke thought things were getting… better, between him and Kanji. Sort of. They didn’t talk much, and every conversation with him still felt vaguely like he was walking on eggshells, but at least they were talking. They were both learning how to navigate the minefield between them, and those hidden barbs and sharpened points that underlined every one of their interactions were slowly dulling with time. Kanji had once even cracked a joke that left Yosuke wheezing.
One day near the end of December, Kanji cornered him in the hallway alongside Chie and Yu before they headed upstairs. Teddie was also there for some reason, despite the fact that Yosuke was pretty sure he still wasn’t a student.
“There you guys are,” said Kanji, digging out some small packages wrapped in brightly colored paper out of his bag and handing them to Chie, Teddie and Yu respectively. “Was hopin’ I could catch you before class. These are for you guys.”
Yu blinked in surprise as Kanji handed him a package. The wrapping paper on his was silver and white. “Are these Christmas gifts?”
“Yeah. Thought I’d make a little somethin’ for everyone. ‘S been a hell of a year, you know?” said Kanji.
“Woah! Neat!” said Chie, having already unwrapped the green and white paper to reveal a colorful set of wristbands and headbands, made for working out. “Thanks, Kanji! I’ll use these whenever I train!”
Yu was already putting on the beanie that he had unwrapped. “Thank you. It’s a wonderful gift.”
Teddie looked like he was in heaven. “Kanjiiiii! Thank you so beary much!” he cried, nearly on the verge of tears. He waved his hands around wildly, which were now wearing mittens that looked like his bear costume’s gloves.
Yosuke quietly slipped towards the stairs, hoping he wouldn’t be noticed.
Unfortunately, Kanji caught him before he could make his escape.
“Wait, Yosuke-senpai, hold up a sec.” Kanji dug into his school bag. “Dammit. Hang on, I think it got buried under my stuff…”
To Yosuke’s surprise, Kanji pulled another wrapped bundle out of his bag and shoved it into Yosuke’s arms. The colored paper was a little more muted than the others, a solid dark green. “Here’s yours. Couldn’t think of anything else for you, so you get this.”
He blinked. Kanji had gotten him a gift?
Yosuke unwrapped the bundle to find a scarf that looked surprisingly familiar, knitted with red yarn. After a second, he recognized it: it was the one Kanji had been knitting when he had visited his house.
“You better appreciate it,” Kanju huffed. “I know you’re not into super cute shit, and it’s comfy as hell.”
Yosuke clamped down on all the automatic responses that came to the front of his mind– that stuff’s for girls, isn’t it weird for guys to give guys gifts, dammit he couldn’t let anyone think that he was– with tremendous effort. Instead, he hesitantly unfolded the scarf and wrapped it around his neck, a bit of heat creeping up his face. He tried to ignore the phantom feeling of other students staring.
Wow. It was really comfy. The ends were long and hung all the way down past the bottom of his jacket, reminding him of Jiraiya’s trailing scarf.
“...It’s awesome, Kanji. Thanks.”
Kanji gave a proud smile at the compliment. He looked genuinely happy. Yosuke suddenly realized that he had never seen Kanji smile like this. Not at him, anyway. That realization struck him in the heart with an unexpected intensity, and to his surprise, that feeling of other students’ staring… he found himself suddenly not caring about them as much anymore.
God, why had Yosuke ever doubted Kanji in the first place? They could have been like this since day one, if he had just gotten his shit together earlier.
“What the heck just happened?” said Chie, interrupting his thoughts. “You two are acting super weird.”
“Hey!” Yosuke protested.
Yu nodded sagely. “I thought you two were having a beautiful moment. I didn’t want to interrupt.”
Yosuke groaned loudly. “Partner…”
Kanji then fished another item out of his bag. “Oh, by the way, here’s your CD back. Thanks for lettin’ me borrow it. ‘S great for crocheting.”
Chie whirled on Yosuke with an accusing look. “Oh, so when Kanji borrows your stuff it’s fine, but when you borrow my Trial of the Dragon you can’t even give it back in one piece?!”
“Damn it, Chie! I replaced your stupid DVD months ago! Let it go already!” Yosuke shot back, already falling back into their old argument.
“Ooh! Ooh! I want to borrow Yosuke’s CDs!” Teddie chimed in. He swiped at the CD in Kanji’s hand, but Kanji held it up over his head; Teddie hopped up and down to reach for it, but he was no match for Kanji’s height. “Please, Kanji? Pretty please with topsicles on top?” Teddie pleaded.
“You’re already borrowing half my room, you dumb bear!” said Yosuke.
“No fair, Yosuke!” Teddie wailed.
Chie and Teddie both continued to hassle Yosuke in the hallway until classes started. Kanji never managed to return the CD, but later during class, Yosuke sent him a text.
Yosuke: keep it
Kanji: u sure?
Yosuke: yeah dude u said u liked it
Yosuke: and i dont have a xmas present 4 u
Yosuke: also if teddie gets it ill never see it again anyway
Yosuke: its fine
Kanji: yo thanks!
Yosuke: np
Yosuke: thx 4 the scarf