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“What is it, Miles?” Uncle Simon said, and Miles sighed and gave up on pretending to work on his math homework, or even pretending he needed Uncle Simon to help him with his homework in the first place.
“It just doesn’t seem fair,” Miles said, letting out the pent up frustration “That Ivan gets all your attention now, just ‘cause you married his Ma.”
“I see,” Uncle Simon said, “Would facts be helpful to you in this moment?”
That was one of Mama’s questions. She always made sure that Miles understood that no was a valid answer, although never a permanent one. Because sometimes people just feel feelings, and sometimes it isn’t helpful to smash those feelings with Betan logic.
Uncle Simon was even worse than Mama, though. Uncle Simon didn’t argue, he just provided you with raw data, so that it wasn’t even that he proved you wrong, you just were wrong.
“Sure, I guess,” Miles said.
“Well,” Uncle Simon said, “In the three months since I married Alys, I have spent a little over twenty three hours in your company, that’s approximately 3.57 hours more than the exact same span of time last year.”
Yeah. Like that.
“Oh,” Miles said, “It’s not fair that you just know that sort of thing.”
“Perhaps not,” Uncle Simon said, “But in light of this information, what are you really upset about?”
Miles thought about it. He tried to be logical and objective while examining his feelings, as if he could quantify them and scrutinize them under a microscope, not ignoring them or getting caught up in them either, just the way Mama tried to teach him. It wasn’t easy.
“I guess it doesn’t seem fair that Ivan gets to have everything . He gets to have so much and I- I’m stuck like this. I don’t know, I’m not making sense.”
“So, you think that because Ivan was born strong and healthy, he doesn’t deserve to have a father who loves and looks after him?” Uncle Simon said, calm and utterly ruthless.
“Well,” Miles said, “When you put it like that.”
“I know change is hard, Miles,” Uncle Simon says, “But this doesn’t really change anything. I’ll still be here whenever you need me.”
“I know,” Miles said, and he did, really. But he still felt certain that he had lost something in all of this, something real and significant, but frustratingly nebulous.
“The thing is,” Miles said slowly, “it’s your job to look after us, right? And if Ivan and Gregor and me were all in danger and you could only save one of us, you’d save Gregor, obviously because he’s the emperor. But before now, you would save me before Ivan, because you’re Da’s - because Da holds your loyalty. But now, Ivan is your family, and that makes him your priority.”
“Ah,” Uncle Simon said, “I see, and I apologize, Miles. I had not thought of it in that light, and you are quite correct. Something has shifted, albeit something which is not practicably observable.”
“You’re not sorry you married Ivan’s ma, though, because you love her,” that was what Mama said, anyways. Miles found the concept of Uncle Simon loving anyone hard to wrap his mind around, “So you’ve wanted to put Ivan first this whole time, you just haven’t because of duty.”
“You understand, don’t you,” Uncle Simon said, “That it isn’t a matter of caring for one of you over the other. I care about both of you deeply.”
“I know,” Miles said. It wasn’t about caring, or liking, or the word they were too Barrayarans to come out and say, loving. It was about loyalty and chains of responsibility. They were having a very frank and Betan sort of conversation about things that were fundamentally Barrayaran, so it stood to reason that things could get a little tangled. “But you are Ivan’s Da.”
“I am.”
And Da meant more than Uncle ever would.
“I am sorry,” Uncle Simon said, “I don’t regret it, but I’m sorry I didn’t think.”
“It’s alright,” Miles said, and realized that it was. Talking it out had helped, putting his finger on exactly what it was that had made him feel passed over and abandoned. Having it all laid out in front of him like this, he realized he didn’t mind so much if Ivan got to have Uncle Simon as his own in a way that Miles didn’t. “You’re right, about Ivan deserving to have a da. I’ve got Da and Grandda, and Bothari and you, and all Ivan’s ever had is you, and of course you’ve always been busy with other things. I never really thought about it before, but I guess it’s fair, if Ivan gets to have you all to himself, since you’re all he’s got.”
“I would hardly say that Ivan has me all to himself,” Uncle Simon said with one of those small smiles of his.
“True,” Miles said, brightening, “Twenty three hours, you said? If I guilt trip you hard enough, d’you think we could make it to an even thirty?”
Uncle Simon laughed.