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He wasn’t sure when he started to care so much.
Steve sat on the edge of his bed, staring at his bland wallpaper, his hands gripping his thighs tightly as his thoughts swirled for the millionth time in the last couple of days. It had only been a couple of days since the battle with Vecna, and Steve found that he was having a hard time adjusting to life as it had become. Max still lay in her hospital bed, unconscious and unaware of the world around her, El had withdrawn into herself and hardly talked to the others, and Eddie was…
Eddie was still dead.
Steve may have been struggling, but Dustin was fairing way worse than he was. Steve worried that if he didn’t spend as much time as humanly possible with him, that his grief would swallow him whole. Since Family Video had refused to close, Steve and Robin had tried to hang out with him as often as they could, to alleviate some of that grief, if only for those moments. Steve found that it had helped him more than he thought it would.
Max’s coma had hit him hard, as he had expected it to if something had happened, but he hadn’t expected the raw and unfiltered heartbreak that had opened a ravine in front of his feet and threatened to swallow him once he had found out about Eddie’s death. He didn’t realize just how much he had come to like the doe-eyed brunette until his presence had been forcibly ripped out of his hands.
He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but he had grown to like Eddie, more than he had anticipated. As he leaned forward to stand from his bed, he realized with a start that Eddie had become his friend, whether the brunettes had thought about it or not. After the two had talked out their mutual jealousy, they had gotten closer and closer. And now he would never see him again.
He walked towards his bathroom, his feet dragging on the floor, friction causing them to stick to the floor at times, while his arms hung at his sides. It had been getting harder and harder to drag himself out of bed in the morning, his eyes so heavy he had a difficult time forcing them open.
He looked at himself in the mirror, staring at his increasingly darkening eyebags and messy hair. It felt like a lifetime ago that he had a full hair routine, and it felt even longer since he had actually done it. He combed a hand through his hair and pushed it back so it was out of his eyes, although he knew it would eventually flop back down anyway. Finishing the rest of his routine, he walked back out to his bedroom so he could call Robin before they went to go meet Dustin.
He sat on his bed as he waited for it to stop ringing, to hear the familiar gravel of his best friend’s voice. When there came no response, he set the phone back down on the receiver and stood. He might as well go for a walk through downtown before he tried again. He looked at his clock-9 o’clock, no wonder she hadn’t answered.
He quickly tossed some clothes on-the yellow sweater he had almost lost on the day they went through the watergate and a pair of loose-fitting jogging pants, and then headed downstairs to grab his keys. He didn’t bother stopping to get something to eat, because he knew that he wouldn’t want anything in the cupboards, and he didn’t feel like shoving some random food down his throat.
He pulled the door open and stepped out, pulling it closed behind him before he surveyed the quaint houses around him. It was quiet, way too quiet, and a buzzing had started to grow louder in his head. He shook his head in an effort to clear it, and when it didn’t go away, he started off down the path.
He didn’t bother taking his car. Instead, he relished in the feel of the early morning air as he walked, which had begun to warm up with the promise of an early summer warmth. He made his way downtown, watching the few people that passed him with a carefully neutral expression. He knew people would recognize him, and the last thing he wanted to do was explain why he looked like he hadn’t slept in two weeks.
He observed the objects in the store windows as he passed, trying to muster a smile at the pretty trinkets and jewelry, all the bright clothes and interesting technology. It soon fell, though, as the emptiness in his chest spread throughout his body, making his hands tingle. It felt wrong to try and be happy in these moments, and he let the numbness settle into his bones once again, letting the heaviness take the place of the tingling and make his limbs heavy.
He paused in his walking as a black jacket caught his sight-pure leather with small zippers at the cuffs of the sleeves. He stared at the jacket with an unblinking gaze, his thoughts drifting to a rock formation far away. His gaze slowly focused again as he felt a rush of the wind as someone walked past him, blinking as a cool liquid rolled down his cheeks and onto the tip of his nose. Without realizing it, he had begun to cry at seeing the jacket.
He quickly wiped his eyes and started off again, shaking his head. He felt ridiculous-why was he crying at something as stupid as a leather jacket? It’s not like he was the only one that owned one. Once again, he wasn’t sure exactly why something so small bothered him so much, especially when it had to do with the metalhead. He walked away from the stores at a speed walk, his head downcast as he stared at the quickly passing sidewalk.
His shoulder was jostled backwards as he bumped into someone, his head shooting up to apologize to the person he had interrupted in their daily routine. His eyes widened slightly as he stared at a head of curly brown hair, messy with unkempt curls. The man’s lip curled back in disdain, and he quickly pushed passed with a whispered apology.
He walked all the way to the video store, scrubbing at his face as his thoughts raced. He hoped that Robin’s mom had driven her to work when he hadn’t showed up. He could hear his heart beating in his ears and it hadn’t slowed down in the whole walk out of the downtown strip.
He pushed the door open and rushed in, his eyes immediately looking over at the counter for a possible head of dirty blonde hair standing there. Robin came around the corner of the counter at seeing Steve’s stricken face. Her hands came down upon his shoulders as she reached him, her brows creasing delicately in worry.
“Steve? What is it? What’s wrong? Why didn’t you come pick me up?” She asked in a frenzy as she searched his face for an answer, her gravelly voice raised a pitch.
Steve was silent for a moment. Why did he need her so desperately? He was simply overreacting after all. Finally, he opened his mouth, a groan leaving him as he struggled to figure out what to say.
“Do you ever feel lost, Robin?” He finally asked as his brows furrowed.
Robin blinked, the question catching her off guard. She definitely hadn’t expected to hear those words come so calmly out of his mouth, “Yeah, I’d say pretty often I do. As a matter of fact, I got lost at the big thrift store on Crawford Avenue just last week. But what does this have to do with the way you rushed into the store?” She prattled on, her mind quickly straying away from the topic at hand.
Steve let her ramble for a moment before laying a hand on her forearm, just before her elbow, “That’s not the type of lost I mean, Rob.” He interrupted her as he looked at her with a face that begged her to catch on to his tone.
She stopped in her rambling quickly as she examined her best friend, really absorbed the features in front of her. Her eyes widened slightly as realization dawned in her head, “Why didn’t you come pick me up this morning?” She asked after a pause.
“I couldn’t wait for you to wake up. I don’t know what I have to be so upset about, but my head is always so full and when I’m alone my thoughts always go back to him, and even now while I’m not thinking of him, he finds a way to disrupt my every move, and that’s so like him-God I know he would be laughing so hard at how pathetic I’m being- “
“Steve, whoa, hold on! Who is this ‘he’?” Robin asked, squeezing Steve’s shoulders slightly as she led him towards a chair behind the counter.
Steve’s eyes found Robin’s as she eased him down into the chair, “Who else would ‘he’ be, Robin? It’s Eddie…I can’t stop thinking about him.” He whispered, his voice cracking on saying the man’s name, which he hadn’t so much as uttered since he had found out about his death.
Robin blinked at the brunette in front of her, before shaking her head and furrowing her brows, “You’re really taking it that hard? Why didn’t you tell me until now?” She asked.
Steve shook his head as his gaze fell to the floor, “What was I supposed to tell you? That I haven’t had a proper night’s sleep in three days and that everything reminds me of him? I can’t even look at leather jackets without having a breakdown. Jesus, Robin, why am I losing it over someone I hardly even knew?” He clutched at his hair, shaking his head again, “I saw a guy with curly hair and I literally had to run here to keep from sobbing right then and there. That’s not normal.”
Robin watched him with soft eyes, rubbing a hand up and down his back comfortingly, “If you’re this broken up over this maybe there was more between you two than you thought…” She murmured softly.
Steve straightened and looked over at Robin, untangling his hands from his hair, “What are you implying, Robin?” It was at that moment that he saw the exhaustion behind her eyes. He wasn’t the only one grieving more than he thought he would.
Robin raised her brows, “You’ve told me that you felt like you weren’t entirely straight. What if you were right?”
Steve blinked as his thoughts strayed back to the time he spent with the metalhead. A pit formed in his stomach as he flopped back into the chair, “Do you-do you think I liked him?” He asked, his voice breaking as he focused on his best friend.
Robin shrugged, “I’m not saying it’s not a possibility. And Eddie seemed to really like flirting with you.” She murmured.
He could feel the tension building in his body as her words sank in. He would question everything about every interaction or thought he had ever had about Eddie Munson, and he had a feeling that these next few days were going to be even harder for him as he tried to process everything.
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After his talk with Robin, he had gone to see Max in the hospital and just sat with Lucas in companionable silence. He had realized that even though he was upset about Max, he found it was easier because he could sit with her and visit. He couldn’t do that with Eddie. Lucas and Steve never said much, but they had been spending so much time together while they sat at the redhead’s bedside that Steve felt a kinship with the boy that would not be broken for a long time.
When he had gotten home, he had called Dustin and set up a hangout with him the next day while his parents were out of town and Robin was off of work. He walked into his living room with a can of Coke in hand. His stomach still twisted in knots at the thought of eating or drinking anything, but he knew Dustin liked to snack while he hung out with them so he had stopped and gotten some junk food after he had left the hospital.
He handed the can to Dustin, who was sitting with his back against the bottom of the couch, reading a magazine he had found around the house that interested him. Robin had sprawled herself on her back on the couch, flipping through a comic that Dustin had brought over. He picked her feet up and plopped himself on the couch, letting them fall onto his lap after he had gotten comfortable.
Robin shot a glance in his direction, a question in her gaze. He knew she was dying to ask about a follow-up to their conversation at Family Video the previous day, but she wouldn’t say anything in front of Dustin. He shook his head, hoping it was answer enough for her before laying his head back on the cushions and looking at the ceiling.
As the two became preoccupied with their reading, he noticed with a jolt that Dustin had put in a mixtape to fill the silence. His head shot forward as he recognized the guitar line and singing in the song that was currently playing. He was thrown back to half a week ago, where he heard that same guitar line drift through the hellscape of the Upside Down. His stomach gave a violent lurch as he felt nausea building; he could throw up right there and then.
He threw Robin’s feet aside as he got up and practically sprinted over to the boombox to shut the music off. Robin sat up and Dustin put the magazine down, both of them watching him in surprise.
“What, don’t like that music, Steve?” Dustin asked with a small smile.
Steve felt his heart clench. How could he hear that song and smile? He shook his head, clenching his fists, “How do you listen to that?” He asked, his tone accusatory. He knew that he should dial it back and be gentle with the teen, but the anger that had begun to boil his blood had made his tongue sharp.
Dustin furrowed his brows, leaning forward so he sat straight, “What do you mean? I promise you it doesn’t corrupt your mind, Steve.”
“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it, Dustin. How do you listen to that song and not immediately think of-him?” Steve asked as he narrowed his eyes.
“Whoa, Steve, calm down.” Robin spoke as she stood up from the couch, holding a placating hand out in front of her, palm out.
Steve spun to face her, “No, Robin, you don’t understand. I hear that same damn bassline in my nightmares every fucking night. How do you hear this song and just go on with your day, like everything hadn’t changed completely the last time you heard it?” He practically shouted, his attention going from his best friend to the kid he would protect with his life.
Dustin’s eyes had filled with a sadness that Steve immediately recognized, and he deflated, all the jumbled emotions in his heart giving way to the familiar numbness he was used to, “Dustin, I- “
The shorter brunette stood and walked out of the room; his fists clenched tightly at his sides. Steve slouched as he felt a pressure begin to build on his shoulders. He shot one glance at Robin before fleeing from the room without a second thought, ignoring Robin’s calls behind him as he rushed up the stairs to his bedroom. He flopped onto his bed face first, taking steadying breaths to calm the oncoming flow of tears.
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There was a knock at Steve’s door and he lifted his head, his vision bleary from lack of focusing his gaze. He blinked a few times to fix his eyesight and sat up from the position he had been in the whole time he had been in his room, “Come in.” He called quietly, his voice hoarse.
Robin peeked her head in, a frown turning her delicate lips downward. Steve scooted back so he could lean against his pillows at the head of his bed, “What is it?” He asked.
“I just came to check on you. Dustin is downstairs; you really upset him with what you said.” She explained as she made her way over to his bed, seating herself at his feet.
Steve shook his head as he drew his knees to his chest, “I don’t know what came over me… I heard that stupid bassline and I just lost it… No matter what I do, I can’t escape that song, and my dreams certainly won’t let me forget it…”
Robin watched him quietly, letting him speak, “And why do you think that is?” She asked at last. Steve stared at his mattress as he thought.
“Do you think I could have helped him?” He asked after a moment of silence, his voice small as he looked at the dirty blonde.
Robin furrowed her brows, “What do you mean?”
The pure, unfiltered hatred that flowed through his body all of a sudden made him clench his fists, “Do you think if I had been there, I could have helped Eddie? If I had done anything to be there, I could have saved him; spared Dustin this pain and me this confusion? If I could have done something other than fuck up like I always do in these scenarios.” His lip curled as he spoke, a searing heat filling his insides and making his lungs burn as if he had smoked multiple cigarettes back to back.
Robin flung a hand out and squeezed her best friend’s hand tightly, her gaze fixed on him in a serious mask, “You can’t blame yourself, Steve. It was Eddie’s choice to stay back and defend the gate.” She practically whispered; her voice soft.
The burn worked its way up his body, stopping at his throat and choking him briefly. He felt a prickling at the corners of his eyes, “If it wasn’t my fault, why does it feel like I’ve failed so much?” He whispered as his eyes filled with tears, “Why does it hurt so bad that it makes my heart feel like it’s being torn out of my body by a demodog?”
Robin leaned forward, wrapping him a tight hug, “You feel guilty, Steve. You told them to only be a distraction and he chose a path other than that.”
His breath became ragged as he felt a few tears trail down his cheeks, his breath hitching in random intervals, “I think I could have loved him, Rob…” He murmured, his voice so quiet and broken that Robin almost didn’t catch it.
“And I think he did love you.” She answered with a small, tired smile.
He felt the dam burst immediately upon hearing her sentence, the tears flowing freely down his face. She held him close to her, letting him bury his face into her chest as he sobbed, rubbing his back and cooing quietly into his ear.
He felt like he had been run over by a truck. Every part of his body hurt, but his heart had squeezed with such tangible heartbreak, he was sure it would never pump correctly again. His body jolted with sobs and the only thing that calmed him down was Robin’s calming voice speaking quietly in his ear.
Eventually, his tears came to a stop and he pulled away from Robin, wiping at his eyes, “God, I’m so sorry about your shirt, Rob…” He murmured with a sheepish smile as he looked at the tear stains on her shirt.
Robin returned the smile, scruffing his hair slightly, “It’s okay, I don’t mind. Do you feel better?” She asked as she fixed her gaze on him.
He did feel better, at least a little bit. It still hurt to think about what could have been between the two brunettes, but knowing that he wasn’t alone in his feelings comforted him. He also knew that the guilt he felt wouldn’t be going away any time soon, “Yeah, I do. I wish we had been able to get closer to each other.”
Robin smiled, her blue eyes soft, “He would have been a nice fit, wouldn’t he?”
Steve nodded as he ran a hand through his hair, “The best.”
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Steve walked down the stairs slowly, his steps light to keep from making possible noise. Robin followed behind him with a hand on his right shoulder to quietly reassure him before he could back out of his mission. He looked back at her before peering over the railing towards the living room.
Dustin sat on the floor in front of the couch, laying sprawled out on his stomach and flipping through the magazine he had lended to Robin earlier. Steve paused on the steps to watch him, furrowing his brows slightly. Robin squeezed his shoulder and dropped his hand as a form of silent encouragement.
Steve moved forward again, turning towards the living room as he stepped off the last stair. Dustin looked up at hearing the railing groan, sitting up. Steve gave a small wave as he walked towards the doorway and stopped, “Hey, Henderson.” He knew his eyes probably still looked red and puffy from crying.
“Hey Steve.” Dustin answered as he closed the magazine and leaned back.
Steve hovered in the doorway, not wanting to intrude on Dustin’s space, “I’m sorry about earlier, man. I just didn’t expect to hear that song, and it just really got to me, and I know I shouldn’t have taken it out on you but my anger go-”
“I get it, Steve. Robin explained a little bit before she went upstairs. You’ve really got to find better coping habits than yelling at teenagers.” Dustin teased with a grin.
Steve almost collapsed in relief, “I’ve never had to grieve like this, leave me alone.” He said with a frown, his eyes twinkling in mischief.
Dustin shook his head, “Eddie finds a way to worm himself into your heart. He wasn’t as bad of a guy as you thought he was, right?” He spoke as he fidgeted with a button on his vest.
Steve made his way into the room at last, seating himself next to Dustin with a groan, “He’s done more than worm himself in, he’s made a pretty good home. I cried over a leather jacket, Henderson, a jacket.”
Dustin fixed his eyes on Steve and stared for a moment, breaking out into giggles, “Eddie would be laughing his ass off at seeing how pathetic we’re being.”
Steve looked up from the carpet he had been counting the fibers on, turning his gaze to Dustin, “If he wanted to laugh at us maybe he shouldn’t have gone and played the hero-like I told him.” He muttered, his tone serious.
Dustin nodded, also serious, “Damn right.”
Robin, who had been standing back towards the stairs, came into the room once the two had lapsed into silence again. She plopped herself down right in between the two, shoving her way in with a smile. She wrapped her arms around each of their shoulders, pulling them into a tight hug and forcing their faces close to hers, “I love you guys.”
Steve and Dustin smiled a soft smile, nodding slightly. Steve could almost feel a phantom touch on his right shoulder. His eyes darted over to that direction, and he could swear he saw the silhouette of a certain brunette metalhead, “You’re an ass,man.” Steve said.
Eddie’s lips turned up into his signature grin, “I can’t say I’m too sorry. But I do miss you guys, for the record.”
Robin and Dustin looked over at him with furrowed brows, “Who are you talking to, Steve?” Robin asked.
Steve shook his head and smiled, “No one.”