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It felt like forever since the last time he let himself breathe and feel at peace. To say that this past couple of days felt like a fiver dream would be an understatement. Jumping of a plane, fighting a mutated rhino and a warthog in the Amazonian jungle, being hunted down by the police, and of course let's not forget the alien from another dimension trying to destroy the world.
Their lives were never easy, and this sure as hell took the cake. But at the end of the day they did it, they saved the day and came back home in one piece. Even though things are better for them now, with the police becoming their ally, even giving them the opportunity to live a normal life, there still seems to be pit in his stomach. A nagging festering feeling that, just like every night after the big battle it keeps him awake. All those wandering thoughts taking up camp in his tired brain.
He failed.
He always fails when it truly matters. And even though they saved the world, the feeling of defeat still lingers in his mind.
Falling like leader is one thing, but falling as a brother was a whole other beast. Focusing on the mission and always looking at each other's flaws led to this point. His brothers we right. He really doesn't understand feelings. Or that's how he made himself up to be.
He loves his brothers more than anything, and will do anything for them no matter what. So how has it come to this? How has he let himself forget that they aren't soldiers, that and the end of the day they are family first and everything else second? Truly this was his biggest failure.
With a deep sigh the blue masked turtle sits up on his bed, sleep way out of his reach. He massaged his tired temples hoping to relieve some of the growing headache.
After a moment he got up and made his way to the kitchen in hopes of finding something cold to drink. Once there he grabbed a soda can of the fridge, in two big sips he drank the whole thing, the fizzy drink felt heavenly to his parched throat.
He was heading back to his room, when he noticed the lights of his genius brother's lab were still on. Looking at the clock nearby he saw that it was well pass 3am.
Of course the purple ninja will be awake at this time. It's honestly a wonder how he even manages to be awake enough for training every morning. Coffee had everything to do with it that's for sure.
Not thinking much of it, the blue leader went straight to the opened lab aria, the countless computer monitors illuminating his way. Usually his footsteps were really silent but after to many incidents that involved explosions, the boys learned that sneaking up on their brother when he was working was a bad idea. So the blue ninja made sure to make just enough noise to alert the genius of his presence without startling him.
" You're still up."
It wasn't a question, more of a statement really, the purple one was probably more awake than himself right now.
" With you in a minute..." the blue leader was sure that his brother answered on autopilot, because his whole attention was on the screen. Fingers taping away some complicated code, that made Leo's head spin just looking at it.
Taking a sit on a small stool the elder looked at his brother work, a fond smile formed on his lips. He is always happy to see his brothers in their element.
And with a final save the purple ninja spun around in his chair, attention completely on his blue-clad brother.
" Oook and here I am. You needed something?"
" No, not really. Saw the lights and thought to check up on you." He looked down at his hands nervously. When he looked back up blue met golden eyes, and it their depths he saw the concern building up.
" Couldn't sleep?" The genius tilted his head to the side, sending his elder a sympathetic look.
" You could tell huh?" Shaking his head In amusement, Leo heard his brother chuckle slightly.
" Well you are talking to a bonafide sleep deprivation specialist. I can smell it on you from a mile a way."
It was a jest but it still wasn't something to be proud of In the leader's opinion.
Leaning in a little closer, Don considered him for a moment. " You wanna talk about it?"
Opening his mouth ready to say 'no' , Leo stopped before any sound left his lips. That was always his response when asked to talk about things that troubled him, it became second nature to him. That's why he is here tonight, awake and overwhelmed by it all. Well no more of that. He made a promise to himself that he will do better by his brothers and the way to do that is through honestly.
Shoulders sagged, an exhausted sight left him. " Yes actually." Resting his elbows on his knees, the blue-clad terrapin looked at Don's work table. All the beakers there filled with different chemicals, were a painful reminder and that gut punching feeling from earlier came back full force.
Don looked down at his brother, waiting patiently for him to begin, but what he heard next took him by surprise. " Why aren't you mad at me?"
" W-what? Why would I be mad at you?"
Eyes glued to the floor, the leader leaned even more on his elbows. He couldn't look the younger in the eyes. After a pause that felt like hours have passed but it was merely a couple of seconds, the blue ninja shook his head.
" About the mutagen Donnie."
Now the younger turtle was even more confused. Pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose, he blinked a couple of times, trying to understand.
" But, Leo we figured it out remember? You let us decide in the end, and well Raph did what we were all basically thinking."
He can still see it, the bottle of purple ooze shattering in to million pieces, the liquid pooling on the floor. Gone as it was, and so was the only chance for them to have a life outside the shadows. To this day he still couldn't believe his little brothers all wanted to stay as they are. But a part of him, a really selfish part was glad that Raph smashed the vile.
Shame flooded his heart, eyes still locked on the floor. " That's not it."
Deciding to take another approach, Leonardo looked up at his brother noting the bewildered eyes that greeted him. He leaned on the desk, a sad smile on his face.
" Remember when we were seven, you used to fix the broken toys we found in the drain and near the dumpsters."
Still confused, the genius decided to follow along his brother's train of thought and chuckled at the memory.
" Heh, yeah I remember. I found this super cool remote control car once, took me two hours to fix it, only for Mikey to break it in like ten seconds."
They both laughed at the memory. Their youngest brother has turned breaking things into an art form.
" Back then you always showed me first when you fixed or made something. Remember that?"
Donatello give him a small smile and nodded his head, choosing not to speak seen as his brother has more to say.
" You were always so excited to share your work with me, and I was always looking forward to your newest invention. I still do."
"But I haven't been supportive of you much as of late. And... and the way I dismissed you like that about the mutagen... I am sorry little brother."
Waves of regret took place in the ocean of blue that was his eyes. Never has Donnie seen his brother look this vulnerable before. Leo was notorious for bottling up his feelings and shutting of on them, but this was definitely something the purple ninja didn't expect. Him being this opened was something to get use to. In the best way possible, because well that's a big progress after all.
" Hey come on now Leo, you don't have to apologize for that, really!"
He scratched behind his neck nervously, trying to find the words to rectify this.
" I told you, even back then when you shut me down-" at the mention of that the blue ninja cringed slightly. " - that I understand."
" You had a point and in the long run getting rid of the ooze was the best option."
And there it is. Donnie was always quick to rationalize and put his feelings on the matter to the side to look at the bigger picture. The elder was expecting that.
Since they were little the purple-clad terrapin listen to the blue leader, never really questioning him or arguing with him. He was like his little shadow, always ready to help or try to impress his big brother. And when master Splinter put Leo in charge of the team, Don became his right hand man. Always so obedient, the perfect little soldier.
Leo knew better than that. His brother's kind heart was easy to hurt, but he douse everything he can to play it of like nothing happened, and just focus on what needs to be done.
Donnie bottles up his frustration too just like him, but unlike the leader, he takes it out on himself. Pushing himself to build more, fix everything, be in so many places at once.
Looking directly in to his confused golden eyes, the leader suddenly became serious.
"No."
"No? But Leo-"
" Don't make excuses for me Don. I know what I did hurt you. You should be mad at me."
Taken a back by all of this, the purple ninja let his eyes wonder to his hands and then back to his brother, who looked more defeated than ever.
Rubbing his arm nervously, he finally found his voice. " D-do you want me to be?"
" What? No, I- Donnie look.."
The blue-clad turtle put his hand on his brother's shoulder and give it a squeeze.
"...Donnie what I want is for you to speak your mind. I don't want you to agree with everything I do or say, or even rationalize it. Especially when it's hurting you."
Looking at his brother up close, he can see the dark circles under his eyes peaking under his mask. He can felt how tense his shoulders were under his fingers. He looks exhausted. And now that the leader thinks about it, he hasn't seen him come out of his room this morning, so it's safe to assume that the genius hasn't slept at all last night too.
Leo gave his little brother a concerned look. He was going to make him sleep after this, even if he has to drag him out of the lad.
Donatello sighed in defeat, and tilted his tired head to the side.
" Fine, you win Leo."
"Yes, I was mad at you, infuriated even."
There was fire in the liquid gold of his eyes, and considering the determination in his voice, Leo knew he is in for it.
" This was a discovery of a life time. It could have changed everything! But you just shut it down with out giving me a good reason. And then you made me keep a secret from our brothers... Who wouldn't be mad."
" But you know what, I don't feel angry anymore."
Letting go of his shoulder, the leader searched in his brother's eyes.
" Why?"
Spinning his chair to face the the rest of the lair, the genius laughed slightly.
" Well for one, anger is Raph's thing and second, I don't like holding a grudge."
Looking sideways, his voice became somber.
" Besides, I get it Leo. You have a big burden on your shoulders having to make the final call that may or may not end with our deaths at the end of the day. You are under a lot of pressure, if I was in your place I might have had a similar reaction."
Taking of his glasses to clean them with one of the tails of his mask absentmindedly, Don lost himself in his thoughts. He was not ready for the surprise hug that his big brother gave him.
Making a small startled noise, it took the genius a moment to collect himself and return the embrace. His arms wrapped around his brother, one hand still holding his glasses.
Now it wasn't like Leo didn't show affection to them, there always was the pat on the back for a job well done or the occasional head pat, but hugs were a rarity. Not that Donnie is complaining though.
Once Leo felt his brother return the hug, his own arms hugged him even closer, almost afraid that if he let go Don will just disappear. Carefully placing his glasses on the desk, the purple masked terrapin was quick to pat his brother on his shell. Resting his chin on the blue leader's shoulder, the genius held his brother hoping to ease all his troubles away.
" You are not alone you know. We can help you carry all that responsibility. Or at the very least hear you out. Bottling things up like that is certainly not healthy."
The only response that Donnie got was a short nod.
And so they stayed like that for some time, the purple ninja rubbing slow circles on his brother's shell. It hurts him to see his, usually strong and confident brother brake down and shiver like a leaf in his arms. All of the stress palling up with no outlet to release all that pressure was to much, even for someone as strong as Leo. He can see it every day, but his big brother never liked to talk about how he felt and pushing him to talk never worked. But now things are changing, he is opening up more and Don will do anything he can to show his brother that he is not alone and support him any way he can.
When he finally eased from the embrace, the leader pulled away just enough to rest his forehead on his brother's. Letting a shaky breath to leave him, blue met gold again and seeing the unconditional love there made him feel the solace that he's been craving for a long time.
Holding in to the purple one's biceps to ground himself the leader closed his eyes. This regret and guilt was eating him up from the inside, he couldn't stand it.
" I am so sorry Donatello..."
Taking a hold of the blue ninja's forearms the genius shook his head, forehead still pressed to his brother's. After a moment his blue eyes opened again and were met with kindness and understanding in the golden ones.
" Apology expected."
Those two simple words are all he needed to hear. It felt like a rock was lifted from his shoulders. A moment later Leo pulled away completely from his brother, feeling a lot more at peace than before.
They stood like that, just basking in the comfortable silence, and the presence of the other. Putting his glasses back on the genius leaned back in his chair, he spun it around to
face his forgotten code.
" Feel better?"
" Yeah. Thanks Don. And you know you can talk to me if you need to, at any time."
" No worries. That's what brothers are for."
Opening his file again, the genius hovered his fingers over the keyboard before looking at his brother again.
" And thank you too. I appreciate it."
Leo nodded his head in response, but he still had a fond smile on his face. It relieved him to know that his younger brothers still trust him enough to comfy in him. It will take some time but he hopes that one day he will learn to live over the guilt and self doubt, and finally be the big brother that they deserve.
" Well if you still don't feel like sleeping you can stay here. I don't mind the company."
The sudden voice snapped him back to reality and made him look at the other turtle, who had his full attention on the screen again. His fingers tipping away more of the same code the leader saw earlier.
" Actually I really want to tell you about this. The code I am working on, as a matter of fact this is some of the data I downloaded from Krang's ship. It's really complex considering that it's from a different dimension and all, but it's not impossible to crack."
The excitement in his voice was contagious, so much so that Leo found himself wanting to learn more about it, even felt a little giddy himself. It was really nice, just like it was before, when they were kids.
" I have managed to translate one third of it, and honestly what I found it's mind blowing. That little alien has actually traveled to alternate realities. As in traveled through the multiverse. Imagine all that we could learn from this!"
"That's amazing Donnie!"
It really is. The purple ninja can just like that translate a language that doesn't even exist in their dimension. He truly is a genius, and the leader couldn't be prouder of his little brother.
" I know! The secrets of the multiverse might lay in this very code."
That sounded awesome and frightening at the same time, but if there is anyone he can entrust with that kind of knowledge it will obviously be Don.
The leader was ready to ask a question about the code when his eyes landed on the digital clock next to a set of monitors. It was way past 4am all ready. Considering how engrossed the purple ninja was in his work, it didn't seem like he was gonna go to sleep any time soon. It was time that Leo do something about it.
" I honestly can't wait to hear more about it Don, but I think it's about time that you go to bed. And no I am not letting you sleep in your chair again."
Rolling his eyes the purple-clad turtle continent to type away, completely unfazed.
"Sorry but no, sleep can wait. I need to finish it now and-"
Sighing in expiration the elder spun the genius's chair to face him again. His hands were in the air, they were so rudely pulled away amid tipping. Dropping them to his sides now he give his brother a pout.
" Really Leo?"
" You need to sleep Donnie."
Crossing his hands in front of his plastron, he gave the purple one no room for arguments.
" But Leo, the secrets of the multiverse-"
Raising his hand, the leader interjected.
" Will still be here after you get some rest."
" But I am no even tired."
Right after he said this a big yawn interrupted his defense. He did have the decency to look a little ashamed, but quickly covered it up by crossing his arms as well.
His brother give him an unimpressed look.
" So it's going to be like that."
The determined look he received in return was all the answer he got. Oh well he did try to give him the easy way out. Time for plan B.
" Well you had your chance. Sorry not sorry."
Before Don had time to respond he was swiftly pulled out of his chair and placed his older brother's shoulder.
Blinking a couple of times, his brain has trouble registering what just happened. Did he really just picked him up? The leaders was already moving toward the living area.
Finally managing to finding his voice, the genius hissed at his brother.
" What the hell?! Put me down Leo!"
Don was a skilled ninja just like the rest of his brothers, and even though he was not as strong as Raph or athletic as Mikey, he was more than capable to set himself free. It wasn't like the hold Leo had on him was that strong anyway.
But he chose to verbalize his protests instead of fighting physically.
" Sorry Don, but desperate time call for desperate measures."
Adjusting his grip, the leader jolted his brother making him yelp in protest. They were nearing the spot were Don's bed is, and whatever little fight he had in him completely evaporated at the sight of it. Man was he tried, but there was no way he is admitting that to Leo.
Crossing his arms again, the genius tried to send a glare at his amused brother, but the leader obviously couldn't see it considering his position on said brother's shoulder.
" I am not five anymore Leonardo. Don't need big bro to carry me to bed."
Shoulders shaking with quiet laughter, the blue ninja, passed by forgotten pizza boxes scattered around the floor, courtesy of Mikey no doubt. Trying desperately not to make to much noise, because waking up Raph at this hour, was a guarantee way to get heavy objects thrown his way.
Once he reached the burrow that was his brother's bed, Leo finally released his brother and dropped him carefully on it. Sighing in defeat, the purple-clad terrapin took of his shoes and placed his glasses on his cluttered night stand.
How the younger can navigate in this mess was beyond the blue one. All around the little sleeping aria that Don occupied, was full of unfinished machinery and blueprints lingered on every wall and some on the floor. Papers fill to the brim with notes about projects he had in mind were scattered around, even some ideas were written on the walls. He was a one busy bee his brother.
Donnie worked so hard to make their lives comfortable, and for them to have everything they needed, from television to clean running water. They truly wouldn't have survived that long without him. And he was grateful for all the wonders Don made for them.
In comparison Leo thinks he is doing a lot less for the family, and that makes the familiar feeling of failure to take hold of his mind.
Looking at his brother again he can see that the younger was looking at him in concern. The leader must have been lost in thought for longer than he realized.
Shaking his head slightly he pushed his brother down gently, and got a eyeroll in response. Once he was laying down the blue ninja put the covers on him.
The moment his tired head hit the pillow, the genius felt his eyelids go heavy. He really underestimated how exhausted he truly was. In a sluggish voice he turned to the other.
" What, no bed time story tonight mom?"
Giving his head a affectionate pat, the elder tucked his brother more under the covers. Even half asleep he can make smartass comments, and honestly Leo wouldn't have it any other way.
"Sleep well brainiac."
After a moment he turned to walk out but was stopped by a hand holding his wrist, looking down and his brother in confusion.
" I love you big bro."
The fondness he felt at that moment was beyond words. The leader really missed when they said that to each other, and hearing it now makes him once again so grateful for all of his family.
He squeezed his brother's hand in return and smiled fondly.
" I love you too, Donnie."
It feels like he really isn't saying it enough to them all, but that is certainly going to change.
Leo is going to do everything in his power to show them just how much he loves and appreciates them, because after all they only have each other.
After a moment the blue one made his way to leave but his brother's voice got his attention again.
" Oh, and Leo?"
Siting up a little now the genius was looking intently at the leader. It is a funny thing, without his glasses making his eyes bigger than they are, one might mistake him for their angry brother in red. In some ways they are the twins of the family even though one was taller.
And with the fierce look he was giving him right now one would not be faulted for mistaken him for the red brother.
"If you tell anyone about this, I am gonna be really mad at you."
Already half way down the stairs that elevated Donnie's make shift room, the blue ninja winked at his pouty brother.
" Crossover my heart."
And with a quiet good night to his brother he turned to walk to his own room, his heart a lot lighter than it was in a long while.
Feeling the exhortation finally take a hold of him and laying down, leaving sleep finally take over, Leo was sure that his family is gonna be ok and maybe one day so will he.