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Buck was frustrated, someone at the parent/teacher conference had inadvertently made the comment that Buck wasn’t Christopher’s dad and it had stung. He and Eddie had just started to acknowledge that maybe there was more between them than friendship but it was still new and he didn’t want to jinx that but his feelings about Chris were crystal clear. As he was driving a song came on the radio and Buck paused to focus on the lyrics.
He ain't got my smile,
that don't bother me a bit
He's got somebody else's eyes
I'm seein' myself in
His mind flashed to Christopher’s crooked smile that was 110% Eddie; a smile that, no matter which Diaz boy was wearing it, quite literally took his breath away. He remembered the grin that Chris gave him when he won a game at the carnival or saw his favorite animal at the zoo and his heart stuttered. Christopher’s eyes were more like Shannon’s, at least from what Buck could tell but they still seemed to be able to see into his soul when Chris was concerned and they could convince Buck to do nearly anything with just one look.
I'm holdin' onto every moment,
God knows I've missed a few
The day we met,
I knew I had some catchin' up to do
Buck had made a point to be a part of every big moment with Christopher from day one. He often went with Eddie to appointments and his and Christopher’s trips to the zoo were one of the best parts of his life. He knew from the beginning that he had missed a lot of the early moments but he had vowed the day that Eddie had introduced them that he wouldn’t ever miss another if he could help it.
It hit me like a train,
the first time he called me dad
In a three stick figure crayon picture
with all of us holdin' hands
The memory of Christopher referring to him and Eddie as his dads was ever present in Buck’s mind. Eddie and Buck had just come back to the Diaz house after a long, grueling shift and Christopher greeted them at the door, talking about the things that he and Carla had done while they were gone. Eddie had nodded and smiled as his son talked but Buck could easily tell that the other man was struggling to follow the fast babbling of the child. So Buck focused extra hard, determined to fill in the blanks for Eddie later, his smile wide and crooked as he followed Chris into the kitchen where his art supplies were spread on the table surrounding a drawing that the boy had obviously worked on for many hours. It was a drawing of Buck, Eddie, and Christopher obviously from their last trip to the beach and across the top in Christopher’s handwriting were the words ‘My Two Dads’ and Buck’s heart had stopped for a moment. Did Christopher truly think of him as his dad? Was this going to upset Eddie? Did he really deserve that title?
His mama said,
"I understand if it's too soon for this"
I didn't let her finish,
I took it to the kitchen and I stuck it on the fridge
Eddie had stepped up to his side a beat later with wide, terrified eyes, quickly grasping the paper and trying to stammer out an apology to Buck as if he would be offended or angry. Buck felt a few tears burn behind his eyes, his breath hitching as he looked between the Diaz boys and over at Carla who was wearing a smug smile and he quickly shook his head, grabbing the paper from Eddie’s hand and making a B-line for the refrigerator, “We love it Superman,” he said beaming and turning to ruffle Chris’s curls, curls that looked startlingly like his own. “It’s perfect,” he had added with a huge smile, making eye contact with Eddie who slowly smiled and relaxed again. “Yeah Buddy, we love it,” Eddie managed after a minute, his eyes still locked on Buck. That drawing was what lead to their first conversation about their feelings.
He's Saturday morning cartoons
He's, "Hey, can I sleep in your room?"
He's bigger than the plans I had
He's makin' me a better man
His mind flashed through the innumerable Saturday mornings that he and Christopher had spent curled up on the couch, bowls of cereal in their laps and cartoons on the tv as they waited for Eddie to come grumbling down the hall, his hair a mess and his eyes still sleepy. He thought of multiple nights where Chris had asked Buck to sleep in his room or had joined Buck on the couch or later in his and Eddie’s bed when he had a bad dream or was just feeling lonely. Buck wasn’t sure he had ever planned on having kids but the love he had for the boy was so much bigger than anything he ever could have planned for himself and now all he wanted to do was be the man that Christopher seemed to see when he looked at him. Everyday, he strived to be worthy of the way Chris looked up to him, he was determined to be a good role model for his boy.
He ain't my blood, ain't got my name
But if he did, I'd feel the same
I wasn't there for his first steps
But I ain't missed a ball game yet
“You wouldn’t understand, you don’t have any biological kids,” someone had said to him once and he had gotten angry. No, Buck’s blood might not flow through Christopher’s veins and he didn’t have Buck’s last name but he knew without a shadow of doubt that he couldn’t love the boy anymore if he did. He thought about the video Eddie had shown him of Chris taking his first steps and his heart ached slightly. He had wished that he had been there for that but he hadn’t even met the Diaz boys at that point and besides, that version of Buck wouldn’t have been what they needed. But he also remembered Christopher’s excitement when he was able to take a few steps without his crutches, and the day they taught him to skateboard mixed with the pride that Buck had felt when Chris had won first prize in the science fair or when he gave a presentation about Eddie’s medal in class and those seemed like enough to help eclipse the sadness of missing one big milestone.
And that ain't ever gonna change
I could never walk away
Yeah, he's my son and that's my choice
He ain't my blood, but he's my, he's my boy
Buck was in love with his best friend, he had known it for a while now but he also knew that he was prone to blowing up romantic relationships. However, as he thought about Christopher, he knew that no matter what happened with him and Eddie, he could never walk away from Chris. He would never miss another big moment in the boy's life. He would be there for his son; for the good moments and the bad, to cheer Christopher on or hold him when he’s sad or scared. Chris may not be his by blood but Buck could feel in his heart that he is every bit as much Buck’s son as he is Eddie’s. Buck knows it, Eddie knows it, Christopher knows it and nothing anyone else said could ever change that. He’s my boy. Buck thought, a huge smile on his face as he headed home to his little family.