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In the fogged up mirror of his bathroom Thad’s image is reflected, unclear and nebulous save for a clear streak where gold eyes stare back him with a tired, yet unforgiving look. He stands there gripping the counter as he scans his haggard looking self. Hair damp and dripping from his shower. Darker than normal bruises covering his body, and even then there were more that weren’t seen by the rectangular piece of glass. A muddle of colors at various stages of healing were scattered across his chest, his stomach, they climbed across his body, and darkened his knuckles in contrast to his skin. He tipped his head to the side. Slowly, gingerly as if the grip on his throat was still there. Though the bruising had healed where he needed it most he still remembered the sensation of dangling helplessly in Superboy’s grip. His fingers dug into his skin, threatening to cut off his oxygen, as warning were growled at him because he had found out about a simple kiss.
A simple kiss.
He could have laughed. He had kissed Tim of all people. Red Robin. A hero. There was nothing simple about that.
Nothing was simple when it came to bad blood. He knew that. As he stared into the mirror he remembered. He saw flashes. Felt the memory burned into his skin.
His lungs had burned, his throat raw from yelling, adrenaline and anger coursed through him, and blended together. A volatile and heady mixture that was made worse with words. Ugly, insulting, hate filled words were exchanged from them both. Bart’s name passed from his lips and he saw the fire, the hatred for him grow in Tim's eyes. A right hook connect to his jaw, his tasted the blood that dripped from his split lip. It was pure, simple, bloody hatred, but it was also so exhilarating.
Tim lit something in him.
Thad had fought heroes before, but fighting with Tim he felt something new. Something more than just hatred. Intrigue bubbled up within him and enjoyment at the prospect of fighting him again. He saw Tim's pride and understood it. He knew he wouldn't give up, not against him, that he was someone who would go toe to toe with him. Who wouldn't give in. He made that so clear in his words. Each one specifically picked to piss him off. And he did the same of course. It was fun. He couldn't let Tim get the better of him no matter what he felt. So when he saw that cocky smile on his lips, knew that he thought that he was getting to him with his words, Thad wanted nothing more than to wipe it off his face.
He wrenches Tim by the collar. A white knuckle grip on the hero’s costume. Their lips smash together. Air is pressed from lungs. And Tim to his surprise presses back just as hard into the kiss. All thoughts and questions are forgotten, tossed aside for the moment and Thad bites his bottom lip and the sound of that gasp leaving the hero rings in his ears still. It burned him. It was as if the thought was branded into him. He wanted to hear more. Fingers thread through his blond hair, nails at his scalp scratch and pull lightning down his spine, and some stupid and starving part of him. Some incredibly stupid part of him starving for any touch be it harsh or soft couldn’t help the pleased hum that escapes his own lips. Or the heat he felt in the pit of his stomach. He knew he should have taken advantage of the moment, this distraction neither of them expected, and instead should have tried to catch Tim off guard, but he didn’t. That wasn’t what was on his mind as his adrenaline high and anger fell to the wayside to chase pleasure in the sensation of the kiss. Once retrospection hits him Thad will be sure to blame the adrenaline injected into the situation for crossing his wires in the moment. He wanted it to be just as simple as that. A crossed wired. A misfiring of his own brain chemistry. Misinterpretation on his own part as he was just mistakenly swept away in it for a moment. Temporary. There was nothing but hate between them he assured himself, but none of that changed the fact that Thad was kissing Tim in the moment.
Any thoughts of consequences or what was happening was forgotten until the moment it was all brought down so easily like a house of cards by Tim and a sweep of his legs forcing him to fall hard the ground. Reality catching up with him and the sting of rough pavement and rocks digging into his hands and side.
Thad didn’t want to admit the twinge of disappointment he felt when all was over and done and Tim had disappeared.
They were only supposed to have bad blood between them, but it began to boil beneath their skin. That anger, that hate that Tim threw back at him, how he challenged his every move...it began to make the speedster feel alive. Those haughty looks when he thought he had him on the ropes, everything was a challenge and neither refused to back down. Each too stubborn to do so. Too stubborn to fall back. They got closer and closer and antagonism had turned to attraction or temptation, or something else that made Thad want to close the gap.
There was just something about the other that called out to him. It was like fire in his veins. Burning him, burning him away, but he liked it. And he wouldn’t back down. He would never back down. And he knew Tim thought the same way. He wouldn’t deign to him. He pushed and pushed, so Thad pushed back as well. He couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t fight the unconscious draw.
They could have blamed it on the adrenaline, mixed signals, that it was strategy in the moment, a distraction, but they knew better.
There was nothing simple about this at all.
Thad stared at his mottled skin. Injuries weren’t anything new in the clone’s life. He had been fighting and struggling since he was a kid. He knew what hurt and pain were. He knew them both intimately and emotionally, but right now he wasn’t sure what he was looking at.
He didn’t know who he was looking at anymore. He didn’t recognize the man in the mirror who acted so stupidly because of a… a person .
He didn’t recognize what these feelings were.
It wasn’t love. He could assure himself of that. Even with the slightest experiences. He knew what that was like. He had known it with Deb. He had trusted her. Shared himself with her, the good, the bad, even the painful memories he held back from everyone else. But this was not like that in the least. He didn’t even remotely like Tim. He didn’t even know him! He didn’t even remotely trust him like he had with Deb.
But for some reason he felt a pull. Like a challenge he just couldn’t turn down.
It troubled him. Throttled him. It kicked at him while he was down, dragged him, devoured, as he tried to forget. To get up and just let go.
He wouldn’t let them bother him anymore.
Thad closes his eyes.
He just needed to calm down and let go. Just breathe.
He breaths in…
…But he had been thinking about Tim a lot lately.
***
One…
Things could be like before. Just fighting. He hadn’t meant to think of him. It just happened as he was looking amongst his things.
Thad wasn’t one to keep mementos. Not for sentimental reasons. They were lessons. Physical reminders of mistakes he had made and reasons why he would never make them again.
Sometimes he needed a reminder.
Thad lifted a perfect replica of Bart’s old Kid Flash costume from a case he kept hidden around his apartment.
Titan’s East seemed like it had happened so long ago. For Thad it really had been another life ago. He…Well, maybe he hadn’t been a different person, but he certainly had been worse. And in his hands was just one part of those worse times.
His thumbs trace at the seams of the costume.
It had been a mistake in more ways than one. He had dug up the past for everyone, including himself, he betrayed his own friends out of a blind obsession, and it was that same blindness that had made him think taking out Bart’s friends could do something. Make him feel better about himself. Fix him.
And back then that included… Tim.
Huh.
It was a bit ironic, that. If he had been successful, if Deathstroke’s plan had actually worked, then what was happening to him now would have never happened. This complication in his life would have never existed.
Even as a time-traveler he could have never foreseen this.
Tim had been nothing to him back then. He hadn’t known him or recognized him as anything other than Bart’s friend. A part of Bart and all the good things in his life that needed to be eliminated. They weren’t even a blip on each other’s radar before that point. Just someone he had to hate.
Thad lowers the costume.
It was a lot easier to just hate. It was simple and uncomplicated.
He was blind in his hate and blind to Tim.
What had Tim thought when he had first seen him then? Had he thought similarly? That he was just some twisted image of Bart? Something to hate?
What did he think of him now?
Curiosity prickled inside of him like pins prodding him. He knew he could just ask. Thad had snagged his number for purposes of tracking…and annoying the other, but as he thought on it…it felt too close.
The prickling of curiosity had turned into something uncomfortable. It was an itch in his chest that he could not reach. It made his skin crawl as he recognized that it felt too intimate.
Since the time they had first met again something inside of Thad was hasty. Too ready to seek him out for whatever reason, whatever excuse his mind could come up with and…He didn’t like this feeling. Not in the least.
Thad shoves the costume back into the case, not even caring to fold it this time, and shoves it and the rest of his thoughts back and to be forgotten.
He hated Tim. It’s easier to hate. He had to remind himself.
***
Two…
Thad feels lighter on his feet. Quicker as he raises his arms to block an oncoming punch from the hard light training simulation, something he had taken from his lab the 31st Century during his last impromptu visit. The features of the simulation were nebulous, undetailed and unspecific, but it's body from its height and dimensions and how it moved across the training area with quick and determined steps would have been recognizable of to those who knew. The strike of the simulation grazes his arm with weight and feeling, and Thad smirks as he uses the opportunity to move in close.
Just maybe something good has come from fighting Tim so many times. He was an annoying opponent from the start. His armor was annoying, but even in a cape he could move pretty fast for a non-meta. And the way he fought was fluid as he strung together his moves trying to keep Thad on the defensive and not on the offense. It was actually impressive. He kept him unbalanced in more ways than one.
But Thad had learned a few things from him too. The thought of rubbing that fact in the hero's face occurs to him as he swings his arm forward, fist colliding with the simulation’s own arms as it blocked his high-speech punch, but Thad kept on barraging the simulation with strike after strike leading it to think it knew where his next strike would come from. He quickly switched his movements up the last second and his fist connected with its side rather than its face causing the simulation to stumble. And ruthlessly Thad attacked as the opening appeared, strike at the simulation’s blank face, its torso, wherever the opening was to keep it off guard and from attacking.
A self-satisfied smile spread across the speedster’s lips as continued his barrage.
Yeah, this would be good for his next fight with him.
***
Three…
Even the speedster had normal days as hard as it was to believe. A bag of groceries slung over his shoulder as he walked with some pep in his step through the shopping district of Keystone on his way home, enjoying the sun and the low hum of life in the city.
Thad wasn’t one to spend his money on frivolous things. Things of no practical use like landscapes portraits or pictures for decoration or even trinkets neither decorated or took up space in his home. It was, first off: a waste to him, and second: felt too much like attachment for him. He might have enjoyed living in this century, the freedom and the second chance at life it afforded him, but a part of him knew he needed to be able to run at a moment’s notice. He couldn’t waste his time being reminded of how hard it could be to leave by some trinket imbued with sentimentality or love. He couldn’t put down roots and he couldn’t become attached. He knew that in his head.
But as he walked, for once in his life one of the window displays caught his eye. It was a toy store of sorts or some sort of collectibles shop. He wasn’t exactly sure which, but inside was a display full of stuffed toys, like animals, dinosaurs, and little misshapen alien creatures and the like, but what had caught his eye amongst the bunch was a set of plush hero dolls stood in rows and displayed. Their features simplified, oversized, round, and cute.
‘Take your favorite hero home with you today!’ Said the sign next to the display.
Among them were the fan favorites of course: The Flashes and Kid Flash (front and center and fully in stock, of course, this was Keystone after all), Wonder Woman, Superman, Batman, Green Lanterns, and the rest of the JLA members as well. But also other heroes as well. Batgirl was there as well as Red Arrow, Wonder Girl, Booster Gold, Blue Beetle, Fire, Ice Wildcat, and more, but what caught Thad’s eye, what had caused him to stop was a Red Robin off to the side with a scowl upon his face.
Grife. He even had merch now? Was he really that popular? Thad rolled his eyes at the thought of having to seeing more merch of Tim pop up around the city and snapped a photo of the plushie version of Red Robin in the store window where it sat along with all of the other plushies on display.
His fingers move and scroll through his contacts like second nature.
[5:04 pm - [msg to: Bird Boy] : Look. A much better version of you.
And he stops. The smirk of satisfaction from his text is gone and replaced with realization of what he was doing. The level of familiarity he felt.
And in that moment it sinks his heart.
It scares him.
The screen grows dark, the message left unsent, and he slips his phone back into his pocket.
***
Four…
Thad takes walks on the occasion. Sometimes because he simply wants to slow down and sometimes it’s when he just needed some time to himself to sort out all the thoughts in his head. His feet would lead the way and aimlessly he would walk. It didn’t matter where or why or what reason. He was just too antsy sometimes to keep himself still and holed up in his apartment. His feet had brought him to the park that day. The sun high in the sky on this summer day. The sky a perfect shade of blue. The whole day screamed of summer fun as people walked and ran through the park with their loved ones and animals. Kids threw frisbees, soccer balls were kicked, picnics were had. Even Thad couldn’t help but think it was nice as he walked along the path. He even sees a couple sitting beneath the shade of a tree. Sharing in each other’s company. Laughing, enjoying, simply existing in their own little world apart from everyone beneath the shade of this tree. The laughter, the wild happy screaming of children, all of it and everything else in the world they were blind to except each other as they lean into a simple kiss. And for a moment he falters in his steps. Taken aback by the simple act as he averts his gaze to further down the path. Thad scowls. His pace now faster than it was before, and all of his previous thoughts and concerns are tossed away for a single one that burns his cheeks.
No. No!
Thad’s running in an instance. The world a blur around him, but he can’t outrace his own thoughts no matter how hard he tries. He can’t help but remember their kiss. How Tim’s hand felt at the nape of his neck, toying with his hair, how it made him burn.
Thad couldn’t help, but remember how he enjoyed it.
He wanted to deny it, but he had. He enjoyed the kiss. It was a fact he could not deny no matter how hard he tried.
His heart beats in his chest just a bit faster as he races aimlessly. He wanted to avoid these feelings. To outrun them, but he knew he couldn’t no matter how hard he tried.
He hated how much he enjoyed something so simple with Tim of all people.
***
Five…
And sometimes his mind just wanders and somehow Tim fills in all the gaps.
The peace of his days are disturbed even when he doesn’t want to think. Reading a book on his couch, going out for a jog, cooking dinner, and even while enjoying the little things in his life, the other just seems to slip into his thoughts. From memories to wondering if the other’s life was like this. Did he have his mundane moments? Or was he wound up tighter than a coil always?
That didn’t seem healthy.
But who was he to talk?
Thad’s thoughts wander to him like they always seem to do now as he strains out water from a pot of pasta. Dinner for one and only one as he goes through his motions mechanically and his thoughts drift.
He could barely imagine Tim without a scowl on his lips or doing something as mundane as cooking dinner. He seemed like a workaholic to Thad.
And when he finally manages to catch himself. He goes stiff with surprise. Hatred seeps in. Thad hates how unbalanced Tim makes him. How there’s this lack of control he has with him. How his mind could so easily just wander toward thoughts of him and the space he took up in his mind of late. Let alone the impulsiveness that he brings out in him. And impulsiveness that was better forgotten. Along with Tim.
But how could he? He wondered, and it scared him.
***
…Six
“ …Damn it. ”
Thad exhales and lets out a low growl as he opens his eyes. He knew. He knew that he just couldn’t do it.
When had he become so aware of Tim?
Did an answer to that question even matter? It was happening regardless of when. He was on his mind more often than off. And he knew that this, whatever it was, would have to end. It was inevitable. He knew that. It was how life worked. It was natural, so he might as well cut it off now. He might as well try harder to cut it off before anything else happened.
The speedster trudges out from his bathroom and toward his living room, wearing sweats, and a towel slung around his neck as his hair dripped damp. The television bright as it played the news and flickered images that Thad didn’t care for and reporting on events this night that he cared even less about. He just kept the television on for the noise. To numb his thoughts, and to drive out the quiet and the feelings of loneliness that creep in.
But as he passes by his steps stutter as he hears the breaking news bulletin. The only phrase sticking out as information races across the screen, as a scene of active gun shots repeatedly flash as men scrambled about as a red and black spot blurs on the screen as it all filmed from the vantage point of a helicopter, “ Red Robin injured on the scene— ”
And Thad doesn’t hear much more than that as the scene replays over and over on the screen before him.
His hand moves the insignia ring upon his finger, a blur of green as his costume is released and his feet move without another thought.
He was too aware of the other and he wouldn’t just forget. No matter how much he wanted to.
The draw toward Tim was too strong.