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Every so often, when the memories didn't haunt him and the guilt didn't grip his throat tightly until he couldn't even breathe and the future seemed a little less dark, he would allow himself to dream that someday the world would no longer be plagued by monsters and sometimes, not enough to let himself be mowed down, he liked to imagine that his first team was alive.
Lee Soo Hyuk, Choi Jung Soo and he would live in the Choi family villa, with Soo Hyuk's farm and Jung Soo's orchard and visits from the rest of the team, he would eventually find his slacker life and maybe if he got in the right mood he would help them with something.
There would also have to be his second team because even when he tried to keep his distance it was useless, he had already fallen too deep (he was going to die, he knew he wouldn't stand to lose it all again). They would surely go about their lives like the first one, living to visit to tease him and joke about how he had finally learned to rest.
Sometimes he didn't allow himself to imagine, dream, wish, or even think, simply leaning on the windowsill looking out into the vastness of the universe, remembering, just barely, times when night never came and seeing so many stars was something you could only do in pictures, the night light coming through the glass and illuminating the apartment the way it did during the quiet nights, where their Hyungs would put all the mattresses together in the living room and still end up practically sleeping on one, even when Choi Jung Soo would wake Lee Soo Hyuk up with kicks or when Soo Hyuk would roll on top of him knocking all the air out of his lungs in the process.