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This full moon did not go well. Remus was good at picking himself up, after all, he had been doing this for years, and it had been a long time since he realized that he had to get used to this situation. He had managed to get into classes today by insisting that he was fine, but this was the moment he was starting to think that this was not a good idea. Most of his wounds had been healed in some way, for which he was grateful. His bones still ached, but it wouldn't help him to tell the others, they were already doing their best, Remus didn't want to be a trouble anymore. Sirius had given him a long speech that he was not a trouble, but a treasure for them, causing Remus' cheeks to turn a deep red.
Sirius.
It's natural to think nice things about your friends. James looks good, his jokes are really good and it's so easy to like him. Peter, on the other hand, is smart, his hair shines and he looks beautiful when he laughs. It's normal to think about these things. But Sirius is a completely different story, it has always been so. Sirius is not James or Peter, he can't be. Sirius is special, he is a precious thing that deserves special treatment. Remus thought that he could live the rest of his life just thinking about Sirius, and this was not the first time he thought about it. Remus's brain has a special section for the beautiful boy, a section that belongs to him completely and that no one can enter. Remus doesn't know exactly when this started, maybe it's when Sirius looked at him like he was the most beautiful thing in this world, despite all the scars on his face. The only thing he knows is that loving Sirius is easy and natural as breathing. He thinks that's why he came to Earth.
"This isn't the Mr. Lupin we're used to, is it? Remus cleared his throat audibly and turned his eyes to Slughorn. Sirius Black would one day be the end of him. Actually, Remus would have allowed it, as long as Sirius was there with all that brilliance, he didn't care what the boy did to him. "I'm sorry, sir." Slughorn looked at the small cauldron on the row, then turned to Remus again, but this time there was a slight smile on his face.
"I see that you have successfully completed your potion, even if your mind is elsewhere." The teacher's smile grew, then he turned to the whole class. "Mr. Lupin has successfully completed his potion. Congratulations, Mr. Lupin." While the attention of the class was focused on him, Remus looked at his potion. Amortentia. A love potion, the smell of which changes depending on what you like or who you like.
"Don't stop, tell us what it smells like." Remus looked at the class, when he met Sirius' curious gaze, he felt like he had to swallow, there was something stuck in his throat, he felt it. He finally broke eye contact and tilted his head down, the result hadn't really surprised him when the smell of the potion filled his nose. At first he smelled chocolate, new books and grass. And finally a dizzying smell.
Sirius. Sirius is everywhere, in every speck of Remus.
His shampoo. Sirius liked to smell like flowers. The first time he tried it, he pulled her hair close to Remus's nose and asked him how his hair smell. For a moment, Remus thought he was passing out because of the soft hair he felt on his face. Sirius, on the other hand, didn't pull his hair out until he got a full answer.
Mint toothpaste. Sirius cared about his teeth, he liked to seduce people with his bright smile. That's why her breath always smelled of mint toothpaste.
Leather. The smell of his leather jacket, which has become part of Sirius.
Cigarette. Sirius had decided to try it when Marlene, in a way Remus didn't understand how, brought cigarettes to school. The first time there were only coughs but Sirius had continued to smoke. Even though Remus had explained many times that it was harmful to his lungs, he didn't listen.
Sirius smells beautiful, beautiful enough to be the only thing Remus will want to smell all his life, beautiful enough that he will only want to keep it to himself. "I..." Remus raised his head, licked his dried lips and looked at Slughorn. "I smell.. New book, rain... chocolate and mint toothpaste." He gave a deep sigh. He hoped that his efforts not to look at Sirius would not be noticed.
Slughorn, after congratulating Remus again, continued to take care of the other students. Remus was looking forward to the end of a lesson for the first time, he wanted to escape from this class by running. He could only hope that Sirius would not understand that and he keep Remus with him. Because Remus didn't know what to do if Sirius pushed him away from him. He didn't know what he would have done without Sirius's sudden hugs, the smiles he gave him, the small touches or the little cheek kisses.
"Moonyyyy! My supplies are broken." Remus grinned at the boy standing opposite, puckering his lip. "I'm sure, Pads. It's impossible for you to fail." He enlarged his grin as he earned fake angry stares from Sirius. He was trying not to look at the boy's puckered lip, even he didn't know what could happen if his eyes landed there once.
"Dude, i think my potion is going to explode." When James ran and hid behind Remus, Sirius' laughter rewarded Remus' ears.
Sirius Black was beautiful with every part of him.
Sirius Black shone even in the darkest environment.
Sirius Black was a being Remus was grateful to have.
Sirius Black was everything.
After James made sure that his potion would not explode, he stopped hiding behind Remus. "So what do you smell, Pads?" Now that was a question that interested the tall boy, though he tried not to look too excited.
"I couldn't make my potion." The boy answered in an ordinary way, but his lips were pressed together.
Remus wondered.
He was wrong. He shouldn't wonder. Remus don't know what to do when Sirius smell a random girl.
He should have stopped.
"Try my potion." He didn't stop. He wanted to hear Sirius's answer so much that he didn't even care how excited he sounded. He just wanted to know.
Sirius just stood there for a while, he seemed to be preparing himself. Remus involuntarily held his breath while the boy bent his head towards the cauldron. He knew it was impossible, there was no way Sirius could smell him, but maybe, just maybe, he would have a chance. In the end, all his hopes would be shattered, he knew, but he could not prevent it. "The smell of grass... Broom polish?" Sirius grinned, but his grin disappeared as he continued to sniff. "Strawberries, tulips and the sea." He said his last words so fast that James was silent for a few seconds to understand.
"Did you say the first words that came to your mind or the things you smelled?" James was looking at Sirius in a way that Remus didn't understand. It was as if they were talking with their eyes about something that only the two of them understood. The long-haired boy looked scared, Remus did not like this look. He wanted Sirius to smile all the time, even if it meant taking all his pain to him, the boy would gladly accept it. He would have done anything to make the light in those eyes last longer, so that no one could extinguish it. "Shut up, Prongs!"
Sirius was in love with someone, someone who wasn't him. It wasn't supposed to hurt, something he already knew wasn't supposed to hurt.
But it hurt.
Remus felt as if he had not drunk water for days, his mouth was dry, his stomach was burning. He wanted to throw up. Even if he had only eaten two bites this morning.
They did not speak again until the end of the lesson. Actually, this surprised Remus, he wasn't saying he wasn't grateful, but the fact that James and Sirius stopped talking at the same time didn't bode well. Still, Remus would worry about that later. The only thought in his mind right now was about the mysterious girl Sirius was in love with. He thought that Sirius had bestowed his beautiful smiles on him, at dinner, he would wrap the girl's hands. The kisses Remus had placed on his cheek would now be received by that girl, the long hugs given to Remus would be her's. She would be the one to get used to the smell of Sirius, she would be able to play with his hair and kiss him. Kissing Sirius was something Remus had never even dreamed of. He had never dared to do so much, but now someone else would be the one to do it.
When he finally got to the common room, he caught James and Lily talking. James was being rejected for the third time today, there was no doubt that Lily would curse him if he try a little bit more, but Remus didn't interfere. "Moony! You need to tell Lily what a great boyfriend i would be!"
"I'm not very good at lying, Prongs." James dramatically put his hand on his heart, sending Remus a fake sad look that showed he was broken. "You traitor!"
"Just give up, man!" Peter shouted towards James as he checkmated the boy opposite him. The tall boy looked at him with a little admiration, he knew that Peter was good at playing chess, but it made Remus proud that he could win a game easily. He liked his friends to be successful, he liked to be proud of their achievements. "You're getting better and better, Pete." Peter smiled shyly. He looked beautiful with the sides of her eyes wrinkled, Remus wanted to feel that way towards Sirius as well. He wished he hadn't been so hungry for Sirius's smile, to be the one who made him laugh.
"Are you all right, Rem?" James stepped away from Lily's side and put his hand on Remus' shoulder, the concern in his eyes was easily visible. "I'm fine. I just think I'd better go to sleep early today."
"You must have made a lot of effort to make the potion right today." Lily threw herself into the big armchair, there was a look in her eyes that Remus couldn't understood, or just didn't want to understood. Lily knew, Lily knew everything.
"Actually, I'm really surprised that your potion wasn't ruined today." Peter grinned. It couldn't be said that the potion lesson was his best lesson, yet it didn't stop Remus from frowning at the boy.
"I was so sure that he would get angry as usual and try to throw the boiler, but he didn't!" Remus was content to roll his eyes while James' laughter filled the common room. He just wanted to go to bed. "Fuck you both, i'm going to bed." He could still hear the laughter coming from behind him, even Lily had joined them. In fact, the boy should have seen this coming, the girl knew what was happening and would never miss a chance to make fun of him.
As he approached the bedroom, he tried to put what had happened today out of his mind. He shouldn't have thought about how soft the black shiny curls were, the collarbones that were easily visible from to the buttons he left open, his eyes that looked even more charming with the black pencil he applied or the nail polish he applied to his nails. It was all too much, Sirius Black was too much, and now it was starting to overflow through Remus.
When he entered the room, all his efforts not to think were ruined, because the child, no longer content with a single part and occupying his whole brain, was sitting on his bed. His eyes were fixed on a single point, he did not even seem to have heard Remus enter. The boy thought about going back for a moment, but curiosity overcame his logical side again. Remus wanted to know. He wanted to know what or who it was that was taking over Sirius' thoughts. So he closed the door in a slightly audible manner, this movement of which made him earn a surprised look.
"Oh." Sirius cleared his throat audibly and changed the way he sat. "Moony. You are here." He was plucking the flesh next to his fingernails like he does when he's nervous, Remus didn't understand why he was nervous. Remus was unlikely to understand his feelings for him, Sirius was too unaware to understand such things, he would consider the actions made content him as friendly behavior.
"I'm a little tired today." Remus moved towards his bed, which meant moving towards Sirius, he didn't know how he should go because their beds were next to each other. It was nice to sleep hearing Sirius's breathing sounds, but it was different to sleep knowing that the boy he was in love with was there, right next to him, but he couldn't do anything but watch him. Sirius lay down on his bed, he nodded in understanding. He probably thought it was because of the last full moon, there was worry in his eyes, it wasn't exactly true, but it wasn't a lie either.
Shouldn't have to ask. Curiosity was not to seize him once more. The answer he would get, would only hurt him even more. Besides, if Sirius wanted to tell him, he could, he shouldn't have forced him.
"So, who was the girl you were talking about?" Fuck pride and private space. Fuck everything.
"What girl?" If Sirius hadn't looked at the boy in a completely confused way, Remus would have thought he was making fun of him. "The girl you smelled in potion class. She seems like an interesting person. Strawberries, tulips and the sea, right?"
"Oh, that girl." Sirius swallowed loudly, while Remus tried to keep his eyes away from his moving Adam's apple, it was impossible. "Yes, that girl." Without realizing it, he licked his lips, took a deep breath, it was so hot. It was so hot that he wanted to escape, but if Sirius was the one who was going to burn him, he would endure the pain. The long-haired boy turned his eyes in another direction, he seemed to be avoiding Remus' gaze.
"I lied." His voice was hoarse, he lacked the usual Sirius Black self-confidence. Remus tried to understand what he was saying, trying not to be fascinated by his hoarse voice. "Wait, why?" There was no reason for him to lie, the whole school wasn't listening to him, and even if they were, Sirius had never been someone who was afraid of his feelings or thoughts. On the contrary, he would let people know by shouting. He never had a lover or someone he loved before, but Sirius was like that. More than half of the school wanted to be with him, it was impossible not to notice the people watching him, when he threw his long hair back with his hands, Remus was one of those watching.
"Because i smelled something else." The boy was still keeping his voice hoarse, as if he was sharing a secret, his hands were tightly holding the sheet. Remus wanted to know. He really wanted to find out what Sirius smelled. "There was the smell of the chocolate you gave me when i was sad, the smell of your aftershave... the books you lent me to read. Also grass and maybe some cinnamon..."
Remus just stared at the floor for a while. His heart felt like it was pressing on his rib cage, but it didn't feel bad, on the contrary, Remus didn't remember feeling this good before. "Sirius..." He felt as if he had run out of breath, no words came out of his mouth.
"I'm sorry, i don't know why i said that." He regained consciousness when Sirius suddenly stood up. "I'm so stupid. I should never have told you."
"Sirius-" Remus tried to stop him, but Sirius was already walking towards the door. "I'm sorry, Rem. Please, let's just pretend it didn't happen, like i didn't say anything stupid."
The short boy tried to open the door, but Remus reached him and closed the door again, Sirius was still looking in another direction. "Siri, just listen to me, please." When the eyes finally turned to him, they were slightly old, Remus hated it. He always hated it when Sirius cried. Especially when he was the one who caused it, he could have broken his own head.
"You, James and Peter are the best parts of my life... Please just-"
"I lied, too." Sirius finally seemed to have calmed down a little, now he had a more curious look. He was thinking about Remus, this thought caused Remus' stomach to contract, Sirius thinking about him was more beautiful than he could imagine. "So actually it wasn't exactly a lie, I just didn't tell every scent i smell"
Sirius turned his face completely to Remus, his self-confidence was slowly returning. He understood, Remus knew he understood.
"What do you smell, Moony?" He placed his famous grin on his face, took a step forward. But two people can also play this game. Remus took a bigger step and stood right in front of Sirius. "There was the smell of his leather jacket. Your mint toothpaste, your favorite flower-scented shampoo, and also the smell of cigarettes..." Sirius enlarged his smile so that all his teeth were visible. Bowing slowly, he waved them closer to each other. Remus felt that his brain had stopped working, there was only Sirius, everywhere, Remus belonged to Sirius with every particle and always would be. Because Sirius Black was like that, once you were caught, you would never get away, you would want more, always more.
And Remus wanted, he wanted more than anything to taste lips that he could not even imagine. As he pressed his lips to Sirius', his eyes were tightly closed, as if if he opened his eyes, Sirius would disappear, everything would turn into a dream.
But he didn't turn.
Sirius' lips were water, and Remus hadn't had a drink in days. Sirius' lips were the most precious treasure in this world, and Remus was pressing himself against those lips as if he didn't want to share this treasure with anyone. Sirius' lips were dangerous, Remus wanted to give his last breath while kissing these lips. His lips have been searching for where they belong for years, and they finally met Sirius' lips. When he felt Sirius' hands on his neck, he wrapped his own hands around his waist and pulled the child closer to him. Sirius' one hand was tugging at the hair on his neck, his other hand was distributing Remus' hair, while his own hands were tightly gripping Sirius' waist, making him cling to him, he could feel the boy's teeth on his lower lip. Remus' place in this world was exactly here.
When they left to breathe, Sirius' aughter filled the room. His forehead rested on Remus's forehead, his eyes were closed. "Shit..."
The sounds of Sirius' rapid breathing filled Remus' ears. "I've been waiting for this for a long time, you can't even imagine."
"A long time?" Remus was still trying to get his breathing in order.
"Come on, Moony!" When Sirius suddenly pulled his forehead, Remus felt an emptiness, nothing was enough, he was always going to want more. "How did you not understand?" When he felt Sirius' lips again, he was beginning to worry that the sound of his heartbeat could be heard everywhere. This time it was a brief kiss, but it made Remus feel the same way again, everything Sirius did was special and made his whole body tremble.
"For a long time.