Work Text:
A Happy, Happy Hog
Morse wakes up in a state of sleepy confusion nestled between two, now cold, hot water bottles in the middle of his quilt cocoon.
‘Hmm. Cold bottles. Something is amiss here. Was I not dreaming? Gwen being arrested really happened?’
A quick inspection with his tongue to find the missing tooth and a persistent throb in his back paw has him coming over all giddy.
‘It WAS real! This might be the best day of my life. Where is everyone? This calls for cake.’
The ungraceful act of exiting his cocoon and falling flat on his face manages to break through his giddy bubble just enough to remember the rest of the post-lunch excitement.
‘Oof. Ouch. Oh wait, Win and Joan went for naps. Is Fred here? I’m sure Jakes took the car. Do I hear clipping? Garden?’
Setting off at a slow hobble, Morse reaches the kitchen before the quiet sound of clipping is joined by angry swearing.
‘Yep. Garden. Now, how to go about this step.’
Another faceplant has his missing tooth throbbing and Morse is off into his tunnels, snuffling as he goes.
‘One, two, three, hop. One, two, three, hop. Right turn here. One, two, three, hop. The man needs his hearing checking if he can’t hear me from here. Hmm. I’ll make it to the hydrangea and then bring out the big noises.’
Two steps away from the hydrangea and Fred finally turns around.
“You should be resting.”
‘Noticed me have you? Hmpf. Well, the bad news is…my hot water bottles are cold, my foot hurts and I’ve fallen on my face twice so now my gum hurts and Win’s napping. The good news is…Gwen’s in a prison cell and this makes me very happy. A hug would be nice so either I come to you, or you come to get me.’
Morse keeps a hopeful half-eye on Fred as he starts to hobble forwards, barely suppressing a happy wiggle as he spies the clippers being thrown to the ground and timing it perfectly to meet Fred at the nearest tunnel opening and be scooped up.
‘Hello.’
“What’s got you so cheerful?”
‘Aside from the obvious?’
“Can’t have been that good a nap, you’ve only had a couple of hours.”
‘Well…no. Keep up.’
It’s five blinks before the penny drops.
“Is this because she’s been arrested?”
‘Give the man a prize!’
Morse finally gives in to his giddiness and can’t help the happy waving of paws, he’s just grateful he doesn’t have his tongue stuck out. He doesn’t even mind Fred laughing at him.
“Well, if I knew it would make you this happy I’d have done it sooner. You should’ve said.”
‘I know, lesson learned. Now…let me get comfy for a second, I won’t prickle.’
Giving an acknowledging chirrup, Morse wiggles around for a few seconds until he’s cosily settled on his back in Fred’s hands, holding on to his thumbs and waving his poorly foot.
'My foot hurts. I may also have got some soil on it. It was hard to resist putting it down.’
“Want that looking at?”
‘Yes please.’
“We’ll have to clean it first; you’ve gone and got soil on it.”
‘I know, I just said that.’
“How about your tooth?”
‘Gone forever.’
“Which one did she get?”
Morse obligingly opens his mouth wide and reveals the new and rather sore gap where a back tooth used to be.
'You'll have to watch how you chew for a bit."
‘Good point. Which reminds me, can we have cake?’
Morse stays perfectly relaxed in Fred’s hands as he’s carried gently back into the house, only giving him a curious look when he’s placed down by the sink.
‘The sink? No cake?’
“If we’re going to clean that foot then you may as well have a bath.”
‘Oh. Another good point. Continue.’
“Any objections speak now or forever hold your peace.”
‘No objections. I do have a request though.’
Morse wobbles up to the washing-up liquid and gently taps it with a paw.
‘I’ve never had bubbles before.’
“What? You want bubbles?”
‘Can I?’
“I can do better than that stuff. Stay there a minute.”
‘Oh. Staying.’
And he does stay as Fred proceeds to find some fancy-looking bubbles and creates the best bath Morse has ever seen, he is so mesmerised by the bubbles moving in the water that the sound of Fred’s voice almost makes him jump.
“There. You want to chuck yourself in or would you like to float?”
‘No towel? Win hasn’t told you how bath time usually goes, has she? I can’t just chuck myself in! It would ruin them. If you could…oof. Help me float?’
After trying and failing to sit upright on his sore paw to offer both front paws, Morse settles for offering one and hoping Fred gets the hint which luckily he does, settling Morse on his back in the lovely warm water.
‘Oh, this is lovely. Ha. I can hear them popping.’
“Right, sore paw first.”
‘Oh yeah.’
“Then you can relax for a bit.”
‘Presenting paw. That bit tickles. Tickles! That bit’s ok. Are you done yet? It’s only a small paw and I have bubbles to investigate. Oh, you are done. Good man. Now, what happens if I stick a leg in them? Ha! Look! I made a hole. Can I make a face? I can! I’ll never understand children who complain about baths. Hey, these ones have changed since I last floated this way. They change fast. How long do they last before they’re all gone? Which one will be the last bubble standing? One of the ones at the bottom or one of the ones at the top?’
“Float time’s over.”
‘Aw’
“While you’ve got bubbles you’re having a proper wash.”
‘That’s what you think.’
Morse eye’s Fred as he turns his back on him before quickly, or as quickly as a clumsy hedgehog can, turning himself over and scuttling into the bubbles, staying just close enough to a shallow bunch to keep an eye on his target.
“What are you up to?”
‘Spotted! Flee!’
The little hog is positively bursting with joy as he paddles off into deeper bubbles.
“Mooorse?”
‘What? You said that while I have bubbles I’m to have a proper wash. Bubbles are soap. I’m standing in bubbles. I’m, therefore, standing in soap. All washed.’
It’s hard to decide which is more amusing, the sound of the bubbles as Fred’s finger pokes through them…or the feeling of paddling through them himself to find a new hiding spot. Either way, Morse finds himself making an odd noise that he’s never heard before.
‘Am I laughing? Can hedgehogs laugh? Who cares, this is fun!’
“So that’s how it is, is it?”
‘Yep. Catch me if you can!’
“Right then.”
‘Hey, no fair! You have big hands. Ha! Too slow!... Tricked you!... Dang, it! Captured at last. Fair play. Round 2?’
“AHA! Got ya!”
Morse’s happiness can’t be contained and he wriggles joyfully in Fred’s hands as he’s lifted from the bubbles.
“You know in the entire time I’ve known you; I’ve never seen you this playful.”
‘I’ve never been this playful. It’s rather liberating.’
“Now, soap time.”
‘OK. I suppose all good things must come to an end. Farewell bubbles.’
Realising that playtime is over, Morse relaxes and enjoys his full body massage as he’s thoroughly lathered up, trying not to let his mood drop as the bubbles disappear down the plug.
‘You missed a bit. Just there. That’s the ticket. Mind the tail.’
Being rinsed under the tap isn't so bad either and it’s a sleepy but happy Morsehog that’s placed on the draining board, following Fred’s eyes as the man freezes only to see Win and Joan in the doorway.
‘Hello!’
“What?”
‘They didn’t say anything.’
He snuffles at them cheerfully as he parks himself on his rump and lines his paws up neatly in a row, prepared to drip dry right there on the draining board listening to the musical sound of Joan’s giggles.
“What!?”
‘They still haven’t said anything. You need your hearing testing.’
“Nothing.”
‘See? No, wait…hear? Hahaha.’
“Nothing at all. I just came down to start tea.”
‘Cake?’
Morse is still snuffling at them as Joan stops giggling and holds up one of those hair-drying contraptions.
“Wanna try this?”
‘Er…’
“Can’t hurt I suppose.”
‘You sure? I know I'm fluffy but I don’t have as much hair as she does.’
“Great.”
‘Ok….’
As soon as the powerful blast of hot air hits Morse, his stubbornness kicks in and he manages 30 seconds of squinting into the localised hurricane before flopping backwards and lying splayed out on his back, resigned to his fate.
‘What the…!? Hot! And strong! Why are these things so strong? Do you do this every time you wash your hair? Are you crazy? I shan’t be defeated by hot air! I shan’t!...oof. Ok, maybe I shall. The paws in a line was a misbalanced mistake….I….soooo….this is actually rather nice when relaxed….who knew. I am learning things today.’
Once Joan finishes up just in time for Sam to arrive home for tea, Morse is not only the most cheerful he’s ever been, but he’s also the fluffiest he’s ever been.
“Alright Morse?”
‘Absolutely.’
“What did you do to deserve this?”
‘I have no idea.’
“Is it a spa day or a punishment?”
‘You ask a lot of questions. You should consider swapping the army for the police. I have a sore paw. Too sleepy to explain further.’
It takes a rather surprising amount of energy for the sleepy hog to present his injured limb, but it seems to have done the trick so far today.
“What have you done this time!?”
‘Shhh. Inside voice. Sleepy. Explain later. Oh cuddles? I like cuddles.’
Morse gladly lets himself fall into a doze in Joan’s arms as she takes on the task of storytelling, letting the sound of her voice soothe him, oblivious to what she’s actually saying. He’s rather put out when he’s soon put on the dining room table, and he realises that not only does he not get a pre-meal nap…there’s also no cake.