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You locked yourself in the bathroom
Lying on the floor when I break through
I pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming, „Please don't leave me“?
(Chord Overstreet: Hold on)
Anakin had been against the idea of going out from the start.
If it had been up to him, he would have holed up in Padme's apartment instead of socializing. But Ahsoka had persuaded him for so long that it would help him to take his mind off things, until he finally gave in. However, he already regretted his decision. Aside from the fact that his Padawan wasn't technically old enough to be in a bar, this establishment was definitely no place for a young girl. And the bawling Kiffar at the table next to his didn't do much to calm his spirits, either. But on the contrary. The whole place reminded him of the number of times he'd been to bars like this one with Obi-Wan to gather information.
Just the thought of his former master made his blood boil again. How could Obi-Wan have done such a thing to him? For weeks he had let Anakin believe he was dead. And why? Because the Council felt that the lie was more credible when Obi-Wan was mourned by those close to him. Oh yes, Anakin had mourned him. He was nearly broken when he found his mentor's lifeless body in Ahsoka's arms. In the first few days after his supposed death, he had been completely in despair. The stillness in his head, where he had always felt Obi-Wan's presence, was driving him insane. Only the thought of revenge kept him going. He wanted to avenge his old master. Find his killer and make him pay for taking Obi-Wan from him.
In the end he almost succeeded. He almost killed the man with Rako Hardeen's face without even realizing that it was actually Obi-Wan in disguise he was looking at. In hindsight, one would think that knowing his former master was alive would have relieved Anakin, but far from it. The pain of the betrayal ran deep. Up to now he had always assumed that they were friends. No, more than that, family, and then Obi-Wan had simply abandoned them. Anakin wouldn't forgive him for that. Never. And that's exactly what he had said to Obi-Wan when he came back from the transformation chamber. Although the Jedi Master had now worn his own face again, he had still been a stranger to Anakin. Without his beard, bald, hollow-cheeked, and with dark shadows under his eyes, Obi-Wan had listened to his former apprentice's accusations without even attempting to defend himself. Even when Anakin had yelled that he hate him and wished Qui-Gon was still alive and Obi-Wan had never been his master, he had merely looked at him. In the end he had nodded silently before saying to him so quietly it was barely audible, "You're right. I am sorry."
Then Obi-Wan was gone and Anakin hadn't moved a muscle to stop him. Why should he? Through his actions, his former master had shown more than clearly how little he cared about Anakin. He should crawl back to his beloved Jedi Council and let them shower him with praise for the successful mission. In any case, the Jedi master had destroyed his relationship with his student forever. There was no way Anakin would go on another mission with him and he would make sure that Ahsoka stayed away from him as well. It was bad enough that his Padawan had to endure those awful weeks with him. Anakin wouldn't let Obi-Wan hurt her like that again.
Grim-faced, the young Jedi downed another Corellian whiskey. While he wasn't exactly a big drinker, hopefully the drink would help him forget what happened for a while. The best thing he could do, as soon as he sobered up, was ask the Council to send him on an extended mission. The further away from Obi-Wan the better.
Just as Anakin was ordering another drink from the bartender, he suddenly felt a sharp pain. It was like someone ramming a knife right through his heart. At first, Anakin gasped in shock. He was nauseous and dizzy and his head was pounding like crazy.
Obi-Wan.
That's exactly how it had felt when the bond with him had been severed.
Anakin made a grim face. Haha, very funny old man. Like I'd fall for the same trick twice. Presumably this was Obi-Wan's attempt to appeal to his pity. He'd probably taken one more of those pills the Council had given him to squash his connection to the Force. But Anakin wasn't going to fall for him again.
When the new drink was placed in front of him, the young Jedi downed it immediately in one gulp. He then gave a crooked smile to Ahoska, who was watching him from the side. He wanted to try, for her sake, to appear that her plan would succeed even if it killed him. "Satisfied, Snips?" he asked his Padawan, yelling over the noise of the bar.
"I would be if you didn't look like you were about to pull out your lightsaber and smash everything," Ahsoka answered no less loudly.
The young Togruta was probably right, but how could he enjoy himself when the pain inside him was choking him? And what if it was true? If Obi-Wan really was dying? Inwardly, Anakin cursed himself for even considering this, but he knew he would never rest until he knew for sure. This time, however, he wanted to keep Ahsoka out. If this was just a sick joke by his former master, then she shouldn't worry unnecessarily.
Despite the drinks in his blood, it took little effort to get up from his bar stool. "I'm sorry, but I have something to do," he informed his Padawan while casually dropping a few credits on the table. While Ahsoka didn't look entirely convinced, she followed him without protest as he led her out of the bar. "Come on, I'll take you home."
XXXXXX
Obi-Wan had never felt so lonely in his life.
Sure, there had been bad moments. Back when he was young and he was sent to the Agricorps or when he was a Padawan and he was left behind on Melida/Daan or when his master was killed, but there had always been someone who had stood by him. The other children on Bandomer, the Young from Melida/Daan, the masters in the temple, but this time he was completely alone. The Council had taken his sacrifice for granted, and the clones had given him the cold shoulder ever since his mission ended. Not to mention Anakin and Ahsoka. How much he had been looking forward to seeing the two of them again for all these weeks, but when the time finally came, he was only met with disappointment and anger.
The worst part was that they were actually right. This time they had definitely gone too far with their plan.
From the start, Obi-Wan had doubted whether this was really the right way to go, but the Council had insisted on doing it this way, brushing aside the Jedi Master's objections.
And now he was paying the price for it.
Obi-Wan just couldn't take it anymore. He felt empty and hopeless. Even the attempt to release his desperation into the Force had been unsuccessful. This misery had to end. There was simply nothing left that he could give. He had sacrificed everything to the Jedi Order: his whole life, the love of his life, even his identity and all he got back were empty words.
He would like to become one with the Force. Nobody would miss him anyway. In fact, they were probably better off without him. Then he would finally find peace and escape from this existence in infinite sadness.
XXXXXX
After making sure that Ahsoka had gone to their shared apartment, Anakin took the familiar route to Obi-Wan's quarters. There was no response to his ringing, so without hesitation he entered the well-known code for the door lock into the panel. Since the time Anakin had lived here, it was still the same. Apparently, Obi-Wan saw no reason to change him. As expected, the door immediately slid open. The rooms beyond were dark. Not a sound indicated that anyone was home. When Anakin turned on the lights, everything seemed normal. Tidy, almost meticulously clean. There was nothing to indicate his mentor had been here since his return. Still, Anakin made an attempt to call out, "Obi-Wan!"
But he received no answer.
Maybe his old master had gone out. After all, there was something to celebrate about the successful outcome of the mission and he was certainly in a better mood than his former apprentice. But Anakin just couldn't shake the bad feeling. True, the pain inside him was now no more than a faint feeling of uneasiness. However, it had not disappeared. Something was wrong here.
Following an inner impulse, Anakin continued into the apartment.
"Obi-Wan?" he called again, but again only silence answered him.
As he passed the closed bathroom door, he suddenly stopped and turned the handle. Closed. The bad feeling increased.
"Obi-Wan?!"
Again no answer. That was more than atypical for his old master.
"Obi-Wan!" Anakin rapped hard on the wood, to no avail. His heart was now beating so loud it was pounding in his own ears as he made one last attempt. "If you don't answer me, I'll break down the door!" he shouted against the obstacle. He half expected the key to turn, but nothing like that happened. Which was why Ankin saw only one chance left.
"Careful, away from the door!"
Anakin threw himself against the bathroom door with all his might. The wood cracked in protest the first time, but it held up. The second time it gave way a little, and the third time Anakin broke through. But although he had expected a lot, he had still not been prepared for the sight that awaited him.
"Obi-Wan!"
The Jedi Master was lying on the ground, eyes closed, body tipped limply forward, and around him were several empty pill boxes. Obi-Wan was known to dislike the Halls of healing, which is why he always kept enough medicine in his stash to treat most ailments himself. But this time he had apparently not only taken one pill, but stuffed all the existing ones into himself.
"Obi-Wan!"
Anakin was immediately beside him. Panicked, he pulled his former master to him so that he was half lying on his lap as he frantically checked for a pulse. "No, no, no." At first he couldn't feel the pounding under his fingertips in his excitement, but after letting go of his wrists and searching his neck instead, he finally felt a faint throb. It was no more than a whiff, like a butterfly flapping its wings, but it was there.
"Stay with me, Obi-Wan," Anakin implored his former teacher. "Please stay with me." Anakin tapped his comm with shaky fingers. "This is Skywalker. I need an emergency team at Master Kenobi's apartment immediately! It's about life and death!"
"Understood, Skywalker," came the immediate reply. "We're already on our way."
Anakin breathed a sigh of relief. "Do you hear that, Obi-Wan? Help is on the way. You just have to hold on a little longer.”
Of course he received no answer. Instead, Obi-Wan continued to lie motionless on his lap. Only his pulse showed that he was still alive. The time until the healers arrived seemed endless to Anakin, although it couldn't have been more than a few minutes before two young women dressed in the garb of the healing chambers burst into the bathroom.
"What happened?" asked the first, a young Corellian, as she knelt beside the two men.
"I don't know," Anakin admitted. "When I got here he was already unconscious and there were empty pill boxes everywhere."
"That's quite a lot of different preparations," stated the other woman, a Mon Calamari. "Does he take these regularly?"
"No," Anakin replied automatically, before having to add, qualifyingly, "At least not as far as I know."
Come to think of it, he knew very little about Obi-Wan's life outside of the joint missions, not least since the Rako Hardeen thing. There was the war and Padme and Ahsoka's education that had kept him so tense that he hardly had time to think about what Obi-Wan was actually doing. Whether he had been lonely or whether he was in chronic pain. Sometimes his old master had mentioned that his bad knee was giving him problems again, but Anakin had never asked if he was taking anything for it. He'd just assumed Obi-Wan was resilient. A serious mistake, as it now turned out.
"There's not much we can do for him here," the Corellian Healer explained after running a scanner over the unconscious Jedi Master. "We need to take him to the Halls of healing and pump out his stomach."
"Then I'll come with you," Anakin replied immediately.
"That's not necessary," the healer soothed while her colleague brought in a stretcher. "It's late and you should sleep. With the amount of pills Master Kenobi has taken, he won't be aware of your presence anyway. As soon as he is stable we will send you a message.
"I'll come anyway," Anakin insisted stubbornly. "I wouldn't get any sleep."
"As you wish," the Mon Calamarin replied before using the Force together with the Corellian to get the unconscious Jedi Master onto the stretcher. Then they left the bathroom, crossed the apartment and made their way to the healing chambers.
XXXXXX
Anxious hours of waiting followed.
While the healers tended to Obi-Wan, Anakin had to wait outside. He paced up and down the hall, tearing at his hair and wondering how it could all have gone so wrong. Until recently they had been best friends, but then the kriffing Jedi Council had ruined everything. If Obi-Wan wouldn't make it, Anakin would hold them accountable, he vowed to himself.
The healer had told him on the way here that he shouldn't give up hope. That Obi-Wan had a strong heart, but what if she was wrong? What if he died anyway? Then the last words Anakin had said to him had been spoken in anger. And what if that was the trigger? If the words Anakin had thrown at him had made Obi-Wan unwilling to live? Then Anakin would have killed Obi-Wan after all. And that despite the fact that he was the most important person in the world for him next to Ahsoka and Padme.
And all because of this kriffing plan the council had come up with. While Anakin had until recently blamed everything on Obi-Wan, he felt differently about it now. It was the council that was to blame for everything. Their actions had been the trigger for their argument, which had ultimately driven Obi-Wan to want to end his life. Oh, how Anakin hated them in that moment. But he couldn't let his emotions get the better of him. Otherwise he would end up doing something he would surely regret later. He had to focus on Obi-Wan now. His survival was all that mattered right now. So he tried as best he could to calm down and release his anger into the Force while he waited to finally be allowed to see Obi-Wan.
In the end, several hours passed before Master Che, as head of the Halls of healing, finally came to him.
"It wasn't easy, but Master Kenobi is finally stable," she explained to the young Jedi. "He's still in a healing sleep, but you can go to him if you want."
She didn't have to tell Anakin that twice.
Rarely did Obi-Wan seem small to him, but lying there on the white bed under the starched covers, he seemed almost frail. Cables ran under the thin shirt he had been put on, relaying his vitals to the screens beside his bed. His face was still almost as pale as the pillow he was lying on, which was even more apparent by the lack of hair. Even though he was in a deep healing sleep, Obi-Wan didn't seem peaceful. His face appeared tense, almost worried, and the dark shadows under his eyes were still there.
"Hey, old man." Despite knowing that no sound could wake Obi-Wan from his slumber, Anakin made an effort to sink into the chair next to the Jedi Master's bed as quietly as possible. He half expected Obi-Wan to react somehow to the sound of his voice, but the older Jedi's face remained expressionless, so Anakin gave in to the urge to clasp one of his hands.
How many times in his life had he touched Obi-Wan's fingers, whether as a child when the older one held his hand, or later in battle when they stood by each other. But he had never noticed how chewed Obi-Wan's nails were. Or maybe they hadn't been then. Now, however, the Jedi Master had bitten the nails almost down to the nail bed. A sign of how much pressure he'd been under? Allegedly.
When Anakin thought about it, there had been many signs of how troubled Obi-Wan had been. The nightmares and chronic insomnia that had plagued the Jedi Master for years. The recurring migraines Obi-Wan had had since Anakin was a child and the bouts of melancholy his former master had always tried to hide from him whenever Mandalor or Death Watch were mentioned in the HoloNews.
But Anakin had been far too busy with his own problems to notice Obi-Wan's situation, he realized that now. If only he had listened a little better. If he had shown a little more understanding. If he had been a better friend. Then maybe Obi-Wan wouldn't have wanted to die.
"I'm sorry," he finally said into the silence of the room. "I shouldn't have blamed you for the Council's decision. In truth, you never had a choice and you are as much a victim as I am. Stay with me, Obi-Wan. I need you. We need you. We are a family after all.”
Not even a flinch showed that Obi-Wan heard him, but Anakin felt a little lighter now that he'd said the words. It was far too rare that they had shown each other how important they were to each other, but if he had his way, he would change that now. So he wanted to be with him when Obi-Wan woke up. Whenever that would be.
XXXXXX
The first thing Obi-Wan felt when he woke up was an uncomfortable throbbing in his head. Everything was spinning around him and his stomach felt like it was full of broken glass. What happened? Did he drink too much yesterday? Squinting cautiously, he opened his eyes only to see the white walls of the Halls of healing in the light of the rising sun. Then he suddenly remembered everything. The argument with his former Padawan, the dismissive attitude of the clones, the desperation that grew until it swallowed him whole.
Horrified, he closed his eyes again. Why was he still here? He had wanted to become one with the Force, but apparently fate decided he hadn't endured enough. Instead, he would have to face another lonely day. Exhausted, Obi-Wan wanted to wipe the tears from his eyes before they had a chance to roll down his cheeks, only to find that he couldn't move his hand. Confused, the Jedi Master looked down at himself only to make out the form of his former Padawan, his fingers entwined tightly with Obi-Wan's. Apparently Anakin had stayed by his bedside all night until he eventually fell asleep sitting in the chair from exhaustion.
A sight that involuntarily sent a wave of warmth through Obi-Wan's body. Maybe he didn't hate him after all. If he was important enough to Anakin to keep watch over him by his bedside, then maybe they still had a chance. Then Obi-Wan could show him how important Anakin was to him. More important than the Council. More important than any mission. More important than any other human being in the universe. Perhaps fate had been right in denying him death after all. Obi-Wan still had work to do before he could become one with the Force. He would put his relationship with Anakin and Ahsoka back in order and he would waste no time doing this, but would start as soon as his former Padawan was awakened.