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According to common knowledge (also known as: Kyouka-chan’s collection of dubious novels), high school is the time for youthful energy and romance. According to her books, the best type of romance is the type involving enemies locked together in certain situations and discovering that they’re not so different after all, then falling in love.
As a normal high school student, he could safely say that he’s not going to encounter that kind of situation. That’s not to say that what he experiences is any better.
Right now, he drops by the school infirmary to grab a band-aid for a scrape on his forearm, courtesy of a rowdy game of dodgeball during lunch break.
Of course, dodgeball isn’t all that violent a game to begin with. Unfortunately, he’s on Dazai-san’s team. Even more unfortunate, the enemy team belongs to Chuuya-san, and so it has devolved into a full-on brawl, as the two seniors ended up doing things that might make even seasoned terrorists wet their pants.
He has slinked away during the commotion, not wanting to be caught in their crossfire. It seems that bad luck really cannot be shaken off, because he ends up running into the person dubbed as the ‘mysterious, dangerous beauty of the infirmary’. During Halloween season, Akutagawa also doubles as one of the school’s seven not-mysteries: the boy who coughs in dark hallways.
This time, Akutagawa coughs while propped up on the infirmary bed. He repeats his words from earlier, growing testier by the syllable, like he’s an irritable terrorist threatening mankind. “Dazai-san told me that the key to good health is to have an idiot beside me all the time. Jinko, you are to accompany me for the rest of the school-year.”
He frowns, sure that this guy is supposed to be part of their cohort’s top ten. Maybe all the coughing has made him cough up all of his braincells? “Why would you even need me? You’re already plenty stupid for believing Dazai-san’s lies!”
“Dazai-san does not lie,” is the fierce rebuttal that would look scarier if he isn’t so pale and unguarded right now, not wearing his gakuran, so he’s left in his white undershirt. “He simply speaks in ways that are sometimes too difficult for others to decipher.”
“I’m pretty sure that he just said that so he has an excuse to stick to Chuuya-san,” he grumbles under his breath.
With narrowed eyes, “Are you presuming to read Dazai-san’s mind?” Again, this would probably look scarier if he has more eyebrows, but given his lack of it, he just looks like some frail beauty pouting at him.
It’s probably full of pranks, pranks, and more pranks, and then a gazillion useless trivia about Chuuya-san, like “when he’s not-so-angry, he raises his eyebrows by 0.005 millimeters, it’s so obvious, he’s so stupid, blah blah blah”.
He shakes his head, shuddering at the thought of reading such a mind. “No, I’m fine with how things are at the moment, thank you.”
A scoff that somehow manages to sound like “you foolish jinko” without words. “Make sure you bring me to class later, then walk me back home. Tomorrow morning, I expect that you would pick me up from the doorstep of my house.”
He rolls his eyes. “Chaperones actually get paid, you know?”
Akutagawa sneers, then picks up his phone. A few clicks, then he shows him his current bank statement, the dazzling amount of zeroes blinding Atsushi harder than getting hit in the face by one of the balls punched by Chuuya-san.
He makes rapid mental calculations as to how many chazukes he can buy using that money. The answer? Way too many. His stomach is rumbling just at the thought. He clears his throat and adjusts his tone. “Do you want me to also hold your hand on the way?”
-
Most of their schoolmates don’t make a fuss upon seeing him escort Akutagawa to and from his class, holding his hand in a blatant dismissal of germ theory and in implementation of the Dazai-san Theory of Fighting Diseases with the Power of Stickiness.
In fact, they’re too quiet, almost as if they’re taking a moment of silence in order to pray for the safe passage of his soul. Kajii-san even makes the sign of the cross using his lemons, but that could just be the lemon-loving senior being his usual weird self.
Tanizaki pulls him aside before class starts, and asks if he’s being coerced to do bad things, and tells him earnestly that he can help him ‘deal with’ Akutagawa if needed. He has this inkling that this involves even more bad things, so he thanks the other man for his concern, then gets a realization as to why Naomi-chan never has any suitors despite supposedly being so popular with the boys.
Kyouka-chan only texts him with a list of food that he can ask Akutagawa to buy. There are ten different crepe flavors on the list.
Chuuya-san is in tears, apparently being so moved that the underclassman that he dotes on has discovered the power of youthful romance. Dazai-san is also in tears, but of laughter, as he makes fun of Chuuya-san for being such a motherhen, and hey, don’t mothers and fathers come in tandem?
Atsushi erases the next part of that interaction from his mind, because he feels like he’s about to witness something not meant for his eyes.
Gin only gives him a thumbs-up, which should be a good sign, if not for the fact that the thumb is pointing to the neck, while there’s a menacing slicing motion. Her eyes are crinkled in a smile (she’s wearing a mask, so he can’t be fully certain) so it should be… a sign of approval, and not a promise to murder him if he holds Akutagawa’s hand wrong.
Higuchi, on the other hand, does threaten him with murder if he hurts Akutagawa’s fragile heart, to which he could only look blankly on.
Fragile? Akutagawa’s practically crushing his hand!
…In any case, things are quite peaceful despite this new addition to his school routine.
Akutagawa is quiet, except in cases of when he berates him for doing this and that. He’s also better than Wikipedia, because he also provides snacks when they study at some café or family restaurant on their way back from school. In fact, he could even be likened to a walking, menacing vending machine that doled out insults alongside the goods.
In fact, Atsushi thinks that this arrangement is quite unfair, given that he gains so much from it. Better grades, lots of meals, and he also doesn’t have to listen to Dazai-san waxing poetic about redhead mushrooms, because his peaceful life has apparently made his senior shrivel from jealousy.
“If you want, I can cook for you too?” Using his free hand, he points towards the supermarket that’s teeming with limited-time sales. “I promise to make you bento that would make you so disgusted by how cutesy and healthy it is.”
On their way back to Akutagawa’s home, the sky is already starting to turn orange-purple, giving an interesting tint to the other’s pale face. It almost seems as if he’s blushing, but Atsushi hasn’t walked him back for months without knowing the other’s personality.
As such, Akutagawa narrows his eyebrowless-eyes at him and scoffs. “You just want to have another person to help you with the limited-time sales.”
He shrugs, not bothering to be ashamed at being caught. After all, this supermarket’s sales are limited to a certain number of purchases per person. “I’m glad you understand, yatsugare-kun. I’ll cook a healthy chicken hotpot in exchange.”
-
Once you’re already making dinner for someone, it doesn’t take a stretch to extend it to breakfast, then lunchtime bento. Especially if there’s an added incentive of seeing Akutagawa look so repulsed by the cutesy designs on his bento upon opening his lunchbox.
There’s another incentive of having Dazai-san look at them sharing lunch, and then melodramatically angsting about how his chibi’s bentos are full of karaage with so much lemon, and no crabs whatsoever. This is of course followed by him getting whacked in the head for stealing the bento once more, which means they end up chasing each other all over school, and therefore leaving them alone in the rooftop to enjoy their lunch peacefully.
And if one is already making all of the other party’s meals, then it isn’t really a stretch to extend their relationship to watching the movies together? To visiting the beach on weekends? To enjoying the free airconditioning inside the malls together? To pretending that they didn’t see Dazai-san dragging Chuuya-san to a dark corner in the aquarium last Sunday?
Kyouka-chan even tells him, “There are still many crepe flavors I haven’t tasted, so you must continue to date until next year.”
He thinks about to how to bring up extending this arrangement, but Akutagawa beats him to it.
“Jinko, my health has improved but there is a chance that it will require a longer treatment.” This time, there’s no impending sunset to disguise the flush on his face. “There are still many things I need to accomplish, so you must continue to accompany me.”
He blinks, then smiles. “It can’t be helped. I still haven’t made you confess your newfound love to vegetables that I’ve cooked for you.”
“Such a thing would never happen,” Akutagawa coughs, and holds his hand.
With an answering squeeze to the other’s hand, “Then I guess that just means I’ll have to accompany you longer.”
-
end