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The gray and blue tones of the temple’s grand walls seemed colder then usual. Ahsoka’s footsteps sounded louder then everyone else's. Or maybe it was everyone else's silence as she walked through the vast hallways towards the Padawan dorms that made her own boots tapping the marble floors so uncomfortably loud. Her attuned senses flooded with the sounds of whispering and the glances shot in her direction. She kept her head down. It felt like someone was holding their hands over her mouth, she couldn't speak.
The familiar tapping of her Padawan beads against her back was no longer there. She often thought about the Padawan beads being removed during her knighting ceremony - but not like this. The air felt frigid and she crossed her arms as it sent chills up her spine. Everything was so... cold. Ahsoka felt an ache pounding inside her, her heart sank but also quickened its pace as guilt and shame ate her alive. It was her choice to discontinue her training as a Padawan. But it was the Counsel who turned their backs on her. The Jedi Counsel she was supposed to trust with her life threw her aside without second thought.
She punched the keycode to her dorm one last time, the light buzzing green, sliding the door open and then shut again behind her. Ahsoka gazed over to the dim lamp in the corner that glowed a warm blue illuminating the posters that were layered upon the walls.
The stacks of clothes and books piled themselves on her bed and her holotablet sat charging on her nightstand. She didn’t make her bed this morning and her quilt was scrunched up to one side of the twin sized mattress. Everything in this room was all she ever owned, and all she would leave with.
Grabbing a small bag she stuffed a few clothes and a handful of essentials into it. Things she might need for wherever she would go. Ahsoka wrapped herself in a knitted sweater, one Obi Wan made for her. The woven patterning matched her lekku markings.
“Ahsoka..?” Anakin questioned, standing in the doorway. He must have remembered her keycode, she thought. Ahsoka jolted, her eyes meeting him.
“Anakin… I already told you, I've made my decision.” She turned back to folding clothes and stuffing a cloak into her bag, everything she’d need to blend in in some far away outer rim city.
“I know, I just wanted to talk to you.”
“I can’t stay, the council showed me they don’t trust me. That they can’t trust any of us. Everyone is so uptight, they’ve strayed so far from what the Jedi used to believe in. Barriss was right about one thing and that was how the Jedi are losing this way. Master Yoda, Master Plo, Windu… they all can feel the dark side rising again and that fear has caused them to lose trust even in those closest to them.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but Ahsoka, brows furrowed, interrupted him, “And you know they’d turn their backs on you just how they did to me.”
His face was pale, dim blue eyes staring at hers. Anakin knew she was right. Master Windu did not trust him and it frustrated him… ignited that burning core of the anger that singed him from the inside. Every year that passed in his training he couldn’t ignore the temptations he had always felt. The growing mistrust of the council had become obvious, but he was blinded by the idea that maybe… maybe someday they would finally trust him.
But the Council never even wanted him to be a Jedi. It was only because of Qui-Gon and Obi Wan’s insistence that he be trained that made that possible.
“Ahsoka I know how you feel, and more then you know. There’s so many reasons I want to leave too but I just can’t - I don’t want you to regret this.”
Ahsoka placed her hand on his shoulder, a tear rolled down his cheek, trailing over the thick scar that framed his face.
“Anakin, I know. But this is what I have to do.”
His hand brushed her face, “You’ll be okay… alone? Do you know where you’re going?”
“You’ve taught me everything I'll need to know, I’ll figure it out.”
His eyes darted back and forth, his hand falling back to his side. He felt a lump swell in his throat. That familiar sting in his nose made him wince.
“Snips… just know, If I could go with you right now, I would…” He pinched the bridge of his nose. Shit. How embarrassing is it to cry in front of your Padawan, he thought. Ahsoka looked fixedly at him, her heart still beating fast.
“This is all I’ve known and I don’t get how you can just leave…” God he hated himself for telling her this.
He reminded himself he had to be the bigger person here, the one who was supposed to guide her through this. But he couldn’t help but think about how this family they had formed would fall apart and there would be nothing he could do to stop it. The inevitably of it all frightened him beyond comprehension.
“Don’t even think for once this was an easy decision. I would stay for you, and Obi Wan, and - and Rex, but I can’t. I said this before, but you know that.” Her eyes were glassy, if she blinked now, she was sure tears would flood down her face, “I don’t like that we are having an argument right now because, I’m going to miss you and I don’t know when I’ll see you guys again and I don’t want to end all of this with fighting.”
Anakin inhaled deeply, choking out a half sob, “I’m going to miss you too, Snips. I’m sorry for acting like this but there’s people I’d leave the Order for in a second if I could..”
“Padme.” She stated, holding her arms around his waist.
He paused, “You know?” He held her in a hug tightly, his head resting on her montrals.
“Yes.”
“How long have you known?” Anakin whispered.
“I think as long as I’ve been here,”
Ahsoka’s voice was muffled by his tunic. “I just never questioned it, I think she’s good for you.”
“Really?”
“Mhm.” She pressed her face into him, squeezing him tighter before letting go, “Want to help me finish packing?”
“Sure. I don’t mind, ” Anakin helped Ahsoka throw the dirty clothes she wouldn’t be bringing in a laundry bin and take the various colorful posters off her wall. The exposed walls were off-blue, small textured engravings covering every inch of the surface, “This is just like those long trips to the outer rim, except you’ll be going on your own this time.”
She stared at the floor again, tucking the leggings she was folding into her bag, “Yeah, it's just like that. and maybe I’ll be back in a few months…. like our trips to the outer rim.”
Ahsoka folded up the quilt that was messily splayed across the mattress. The blanket was made of old Jedi Robes, each square a different shade of brown, some fabric more worn then others.
“Bring this with you. You might need it.”
She grinned and folded the quilt next to the bag. After shoving a few last things away, she clutched her packed stuff and turned around to gaze over her room one last time.
The evening crawled into the window, the light was dimming and Ahsoka flicked off the blue fluorescent lamp.
“You’ll call us right?” Anakin noted.
Ahsoka giggled, “Yes, definitely.”
Anakin walked with her through the long, barren temple hallways. They felt cold, but it was easier pacing through them then it was before. The hardest part was leaving.
“Commander! Wait!” A deep voice echoed behind her.
“Rex!” She turned around, expression lighting up.
“I thought you were on Cato Neimoidia?! Also you don’t have to call me Commander anymore.” She beamed.
Despite his clunky clone armor, Ahsoka wrapped her arms around him. Her sweater against his armor creating a static that crackled as she hugged tim.
“Oh I'm going to miss you so much Rex.”
“The whole legion is, it's not the 501st without you.”
She blushed as she smiled back at him. Ahsoka’s palm brushed against his armor, and she cupped both of her hands around his warm brown face. The creases around his eyes scrunched up.
“You take care of yourself, cyare.”
“You too Rex.” She pressed her forehead against his, both of them closing their eyes at the gesture.
Wanting to savor the moment, possibly her last moment with him, she stared into his eyes. They were a dark brown like a summer night glittered with stars. She could never forget those eyes even though she had seen them a thousand times before, there was something indescribable about them. There was a soulful but solacing look to them.
“I can’t stay much longer, but thank you.. to both of you. For being there for me. I-I can’t really put it to words but you’re the only family I’ve ever really known.”
“You’ll always have us Ahsoka.” Anakin stated.
“That’s right. Now you be safe out there.”
“I will, I promise Rex.”
She waved Rex goodbye and turned towards the temple's vast entrance, she looked up at the towering pillars, the carvings in the walls. All of it, all of this would be behind her now.
With her bag in hand, Anakin next to her, Ahsoka stepped forward onto the small ship, her shoes clanking on the metal ramp.
Her stomach hurt; it panged with sadness and ached with loss. She mourned a life she would never get to live, for people who were still alive. Her hands were trembling.
“Hey.. Snips.. it’ll be okay.”
Anakin grabbed her shaky hand and patted her back, calming her down as she made her final steps boarding her ship.
“I know this has got to be nerve wracking… but I think now you’ve made the right choice. You’ve made a choice I'm honestly not brave enough to make. I said I'd be with you through all of this. But now I guess this is it-.” A tear fell from his face again but this time a bittersweet grin accompanied it. He stood at the end of the ramp.
“You’ll always be stuck with me, Skyguy. This isn’t the end.”
Anakin let go of the tension that he held onto and an ocean of tears poured from his eyes. His chest heaved.
“I’m so proud of you Ahsoka-” He laughed and choked on the congestion in his throat at the same time.
Running down the ramp she leapt into his arms one last time. He twirled her around before setting her down gently. Her own tears stained the soft Jedi robes he wore.
“I-I uh really should go now Im- I,” She giggled and let out another sob.
“May the force be with you. Snips.” He nodded, wiping off his face as he watched Ahsoka close the ramp.
The hot orange sun beamed in her face in the cockpit, through the glare she could see Anakin still standing there. She tossed her bag and the unfolded the quilt, placing it over her lap. It’s warmth was comforting.
The ship hissed as she started it up; there was something sentimental about the Temple now, she thought. Something she would always miss but there was also a weight off her shoulders now that she left.
Waving Anakin goodbye as she took off, Ahsoka pressed a few buttons plotting her course.
“May the force be with you Skyguy,” she spoke softly to Anakin - although he definitely couldn’t hear her. Leaving Coruscant’s atmosphere Ahsoka pushed the lever that accelerated the ship to hyperspace.
The stars blurred around her; she had every path ahead of her, every possibility in this new chapter of her life. And she promised herself to seize every moment of it.