Chapter Text
The streets of New York City were bustling with many people on Christmas Eve. Despite living in a city filled with so many people, Greta feels so alone. Vivienne’s cosmetics is closed for the holidays, so Greta is cooped up in her apartment eating dinner all by herself. The food she cooked is bland, and it makes her think of Carson and her silly pies, wishing she were here right now. She wishes she had her address so she could write to her and ask how her life has been since the season ended.
A few weeks ago, Greta received a call from one of the league managers, informing her a second season was officially confirmed. Knowing she’d see Carson again was a double edged sword. Anticipation of reuniting with her Carson took over her entire body, which made the wait so much more painful and so much more lonely.
The skies were starting to become cloudy, a sign that the weather report was correct and snow would start to fall around midnight. She tries to eat her dinner, which was a combination of bland steak and potatoes, but the thought of her being trapped alone in her apartment during a snowstorm was too overwhelming for her to feel hungry.
As Greta cleans up her wasted dinner, she nearly breaks a dish while washing her plate when a loud thump is heard coming from her bedroom. A familiar feeling of fear courses through her and her survival instincts kick in. Before she heads into her bedroom, she grabs her baseball bat from her hall closet.
To Greta’s surprise, her room isn’t in disarray when she practically barges into it, gripping her bat tightly. Since baseball makes her very observant, she quickly notices her wardrobe slightly ajar. Expecting the worst, she tiptoes over to her wooden wardrobe and opens the door. Greta gasps at what she sees and immediately drops her bat.
Inside her wardrobe is a sleeping child. More specifically, a girl who couldn’t be older than eight. Her hair is dark brown and shoulder length, which immediately reminds Greta of Carson. Except her clothes are worn and appear to fit her tightly.
The thud of the bat hitting the ground causes the girl to wake up, and when she sees Greta looking down at her, she screams.
“Woah, hey,” Greta says to her, bending over to reach for her hand. “Hey, it’s okay. Just calm down, I’m not going to hurt you.”
The girl blinks away tears. “But-but the bat…”
“I thought someone dangerous broke into my apartment,” she says. “And I play baseball, so I own a bat.”
The child grips her backpack and stands up. “Well I did break into your apartment,” she admits. “But not really cause you left the door open.”
“I remember locking it,” Greta tells her.
“You did,” the girl says, choosing to sit in Greta’s desk chair. “But it was open. I shut it once I was on the other side.”
Greta looks at the girl curiously. “And how did you get inside the building?”
“That’s easy,” she says. “Catch the door before it closes when someone opens it.”
Greta chooses to sit on the edge of her bed so she’s not towering over the girl.
“Why are you breaking into apartments?” she asks her. “Why are you alone?”
The girl bites her lip nervously before answering. “I was cold. And cause I-I…ran away.”
“From your parents?” Greta guesses.
She shakes her head. “No,” she says and then whispers, “from the orphanage.”
As usual in Greta’s life, her mind is filled with conflicting feelings. Despite her inner desires to be a mother while marrying the woman of her dreams, she just knows such a life isn’t possible. Well…it technically could be, but it would be cruel to subject a child to a life like hers. A life of constantly being on guard, with so many rules for safety, and the moment she gets an inkling that things were unsafe they would have to run.
So, Greta’s heartbroken by what she has to say to the girl. “You need to go back,” she tells her as softly as she could.
The girl immediately goes into panic mode. “No!” she cried. “I can’t go back! I-I’ll just leave!”
Greta watches as the child stands up, her bag over her shoulder, and recognizes that same look of fear on the child’s face that Greta would have when things became unsafe for her and Jo.
“Wait!” Greta tells her, standing up from her bed. The girl stops to look at Greta. “I can’t let you be alone on Christmas Eve.”
“I have to,” she says. “You’re gonna turn me in.”
Greta’s heart breaks just then. She’s heard horror stories of orphanages but never could see parallels between runaway orphans and people like her. Until now.
“I’m not,” she tells her. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just not equipped to be taking care of a child, but we’ll figure something out. I’ll think of something, but in the meantime you can stay here.”
“You won’t?” the girl questions.
Greta starts to tear up now, because that’s what she would’ve done, questioning the person saying they won’t turn her in.
“No,” she says and tries to find a way to convince her. “I’m Greta,” she introduces. “What’s your name?”
The child hesitates for a moment, but then speaks. “Louise,” she says. “But I go by Lulu.”
It was just then that Greta really got a good look at the girl’s eyes. They were sparkling dark blue.
“Lulu,” she says. “That’s a pretty name. Uh…are you hungry? I cooked dinner, but I’m afraid it isn’t very good.”
Lulu nods. “That’s okay,” she says. “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
—
Greta’s both unsurprised and horrified by how fast Lulu eats her dinner. She tells her more than twice to slow down, worrying that she’d choke. The third time Greta warns her, she’s unsure if Lulu could even hear her and assumes the child is deep in survival mode.
Later on, Greta puts some sheets, blankets and pillows on her couch for Lulu to sleep in.
Lulu climbs into her makeshift bed as Greta heads over to turn off the light.
“Can you leave the light on?” Lulu requests.
Greta thinks about how high her electricity bill will be, but nods. “Of course,” she says. “If you need anything, I’ll be in my bedroom.”
“I’ll be fine,” Lulu says tiredly.
Greta smiles. “Goodnight,” she tells her as she turns and heads into her bedroom, hearing the quietest “goodnight” whisper from Lulu before reaching her door.
Greta’s asleep for much of the storm, though a few times she woke up from the screeching wind. While asleep, She dreams of Carson, of waking up with her on Christmas morning with fresh snow covering the ground outside of a colonial home in the suburbs. Their home. They decided to stay in bed for hours before getting up to sit by the fireplace in their living room, sipping at their mugs of coffee.
They spent their day opening presents that they’d bought each other, eating a roasted ham and buttered mash potatoes for dinner, and cuddling in their bed at night before falling asleep.
She woke up to the sun shining bright through her bedroom curtains, tears welling up in her eyes. Her dream felt so real that waking up to reality was such a cruel fate. Greta wishes desperately that Carson warmed the other side of her bed, to not be alone on Christmas. No , Greta remembers, I am not alone. She suddenly remembers Lulu, the orphaned child that was currently sleeping on her living room couch.
Deciding she should check on the girl, Greta gets up from her bed, puts on her flower patterned silk robe and heads into her living room.
Lulu’s sitting up on the couch reading a comic book, strands of brown hair sticking up on her head from sleep.
“Good morning,” Greta announces her presence.
Lulu turns her head, caught off guard. She closes her comic book and puts it back in her bookbag.
“You can keep reading if you’d like,” Greta says, joining her on the couch. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
“No, it’s fine,” Lulu says. “It’s stupid Captain America anyways.”
Greta laughs at the girl’s comment. “I think we have similar tastes.”
“What do you like?” Lulu asks her, eyes looking intrigued.
“Well,” she starts to say. “I like fashion. I like music and dancing, and oh! I really love baseball.”
Lulu’s eyes grow wide. “I remember you saying you played!” she says. “And I love baseball too! When I grow up, I wanna play for the Rockford Peaches!”
Greta’s heart could melt right then and there. “You want to know a secret?” she asks her, her mouth corners curling into a smile.
“What?” Lulu asks softly.
“I play for the Rockford Peaches,” Greta reveals.
Lulu gasps. “You do?!” she exclaims. “I remember now you said you play baseball but I never would’ve- Wait! you said your name was Greta,” she thinks for a moment and then realization hits her. “I know, Gill! First base!”
“Yep,” Greta confirms, popping the ‘p’ at the end of the word. “That’s me.”
“That’s so awesome!” Lulu says excitedly.
Greta listens to the child go on and on about baseball and how she’d listen to their games on the radio back at the orphanage. She learns a few things about her through her tales, but they’re vague. She mentioned the orphanage being Catholic, how the ‘school’ she attended there was more religious education, and how she’d often get in trouble with the nuns for playing baseball with the neighborhood boys.
Her mind starts racing with thoughts about what to do with this child, as she promised she would think about. Greta decides to think of the facts first to make things easier.
She promised Lulu she could stay with her until New Year’s. Fact. Lulu would need more clothes if she were to stay with her that long. Fact. Greta also had work tomorrow. Fact.
She didn’t know anyone who could babysit this child and starts to wonder what she got herself into. It’s just going to be for a few more days , she tells herself. I can handle this.
—
Greta thinks outside the box for the next couple of days. She was able to find an excuse to take a day off from work at the last minute, telling Vivienne she slipped on the stairs outside of her apartment and hurt her ankle. The only reason why the excuse would work is that Greta’s work days off were tomorrow and the next day, giving ample time for her ankle to ‘heal’.
Greta avoids Manhattan when taking Lulu shopping for clothes so she doesn’t run into any coworkers while she’s supposed to be resting at home. She also avoids Queens for obvious reasons, so Greta takes Lulu to Brooklyn for the day.
After buying her necessities, Greta brings Lulu out to eat pizza. They’re sitting inside the restaurant at a table for two with two plates of single pizza slices for the both of them. Greta watches eagerly as the girl tries a slice of pizza for the first time.
Lulu’s face lights up in delight. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Greta asks her with a warm smile.
“How did I live my whole life without this?” she asks rhetorically as Greta laughs.
“I have a…friend who had a similar reaction as you when she tried pizza for the first time,” Greta says.
“Really?” Lulu asks. “Is she on the Peaches too?”
Greta’s caught off guard by her question, but nods. Before Lulu could ask her another question, a waitress interrupted them.
“Is she your only child?” the waitress asks as she refills their waters.
Lulu’s face becomes pale while Greta feels an intense fear course through her, stealthily putting Dana’s ring on her left ring finger for protection.
Although she wishes that situation was true, that she was a mom, she unfortunately just had to pretend it was.
“My one and only,” Greta replies, hoping the nosy waitress would leave them alone.
“How lovely that you have a husband okay with that,” she says. “Most men I know are not happy until they have a son.”
Greta starts to pick at her nails nervously when Lulu interrupts them. “Mommy,” she whines, and it becomes clear to Greta the child is playing up an act to get the waitress to back off. “I don’t feel good.”
Greta turns to the waitress. “Can we get the check?”
They end up taking their pizza in to-go bags, leaving earlier than expected. Greta couldn’t help but feel grateful for the child’s quick thinking.
“Thank you for that,” Greta tells her on their way back to her apartment. “Normally I don’t put myself in these kinds of situations so I wasn’t prepared…”
Lulu thinks for a moment before responding. “Is me being here causing problems for you?”
“I don’t mind it,” Greta says. “Though I normally have rules to keep myself safe. A child complicates them, makes them harder to follow.”
“I’m sorry,” Lulu says.
For the first time, Greta doesn’t know how to respond.
They’re listening to a radio soap opera after arriving back from Brooklyn. Greta’s sitting in her armchair reading a fashion magazine while Lulu’s curled up on the couch falling asleep. A knock is heard coming from her front door, which makes Greta jump up in her seat.
She turns the radio off and sets her magazine aside, getting up off of her feet to wake Lulu up.
“Hey,” she whispers as Lulu groggily awakens. “Someone’s at the front door. Could you hide in my room for a moment?”
Lulu nods and rises from the couch, quickly heading into Greta’s bedroom, shutting the door behind her. Breathing a sigh of relief, Greta walks to her front door and opens it.
“Surprise, Bird!” says Jo. Greta’s initial worry subsides and is replaced with joy when she sees her best friend on her doorstep.
Jo has a suitcase by her side and is holding a duffel bag over her shoulder.
“Joey!” Greta exclaims, pulling her best friend into a tight hug. “How’d you get here? I mean, this must’ve taken weeks to plan. I-I’m so glad you’re here.”
“Thought I’d surprise you,” Jo said. “I asked for a couple of weeks off at my job and well…here I am!”
“This is so exciting,” Greta says. “Why don’t you come in?”
Greta steps aside so Jo could enter her apartment. She helps her set her luggage aside and shuts the door behind them. Locking it, Greta turned her back against the door and sighs.
“You can come out now,” Greta says out loud as Jo looks at her suspiciously.
Lulu walks out of Greta’s room, apprehension clear on her face. If Greta could guess, she probably felt as nervous as she did herself.
“Uh, Bird…What’s going on?” Jo asks, her mind most likely concerned for her best friend’s safety.
“Joey this is Lulu,” Greta introduces. “Lulu, this is my best friend Joey.”
Jo arches her eyebrows. “Where did you find her?”
“She broke into my apartment on Christmas Eve,” Greta explains as Lulu’s face suddenly turns pink. “I didn’t send her back to the orphanage based on my own judgment of the situation.”
Jo walks over to the couch and sits down. “So…what exactly are you going to do?”
Greta joins her on the couch. Meanwhile, Lulu grabs her notebook from her bag, kneels on the floor and starts doodling on the sheets of paper.
“I don’t know,” she says honestly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I told her she could stay with me until the New Year and I’ll try to think of somewhere she could go in the meantime, but…”
Jo sighed. “There’s always somewhere, Bird,” she says. “It’s just that somewhere is often not safe.”
Greta nods. “Exactly.”
Jo eyes Lulu. “We should talk more about this later tonight.”
“Agreed,” Greta says, standing up. “Hey, Lu. I’m going to make dinner. Joey here will keep you company.”
“ You make dinner?” Jo teases. “My, how things have changed…”
Greta winks at Jo before turning around towards the kitchen. Her confident exterior vanishes as she prepares dinner, thinking about Jo’s words. How there’s a place for Lulu anywhere, but nowhere is safe. Whatever happened in that orphanage, based on Lulu’s initial reaction to going back, Greta knew it wasn’t safe for her. Even living with Greta herself, in a situation where she could actually become a mother, wasn’t safe.
But is living with Greta the safest if she knew all of the ways to keep Lulu safe? Greta didn’t know the answer.
She thinks of Carson and how she told Greta her fears of crossing a line she’s unable to come back from. For Greta, that line exists with Lulu. She feels at some point, whether it be sooner or later, she’ll get too attached and she wouldn’t be able to see reason. At that point, she would want to keep her no matter what. Deep down, Greta feels like she’s already crossed that line.
Greta puts together some leftovers from her Christmas dinner and places three plates with silverware on her small round wooden table. She grabs her bell on her shelf and rings it.
“Hear-ye, Hear-ye,” Greta says in a chipper voice. “Dinner is served. Last one to the table is a rotten peach!”
Lulu rushes to the table and sits down next to Greta. Jo follows behind her and sits next to Lulu.
“You told her about the Peaches?” Jo asks.
“Oh she’s a big fan,” Greta says. “Lulu was the one to bring them up, I let her know I play for them.”
“Wait,” Lulu says, looking at Jo inquisitively. “You’re the Bazooka! Are you coming back to the Peaches next season?”
Jo shakes her head. “Probably not,” she says. “Unless a little birdie pulls some strings.”
Carson is who she’s talking about, Greta realizes, as their coach has the ability to recruit players. Briefly, Greta’s face turns sad as she starts thinking of her Carson, her sweet beautiful, dimpled Carson. Quickly, she masks those somber feelings and puts on a cheerful smile.
They eat their dinner telling tales of their time on the Peaches to Lulu, and the child would tell them her favorite moments of the games as heard on the radio.
Greta remakes Lulu’s makeshift bed on the couch shortly after dinner, the girl quickly drifting off to sleep once her head hits the pillow. She turns off the lights and then heads into her bedroom with Jo. They both sit on her bed and continue their discussion from earlier.
“It’s only been two days, Joey,” Greta says with a sigh. “And I’m already getting attached. I didn’t think it would take this fast.”
“You were always good with kids,” Jo says, justifying the situation. “It makes sense.”
“I don’t even know how old she is,” Greta expresses. “I mean- she can’t be older than eight, but it’s just the point, ya know? If I’m even going to be thinking of taking her in or um…adopting her, I should know her age.”
“You’re right,” Jo tells her. “It’s only been two days. You don’t have to make a decision right now. It’s Sunday and my train doesn’t leave until next Monday morning. I’ll watch her when you have to work. That’ll hopefully relieve some of your stress while you think about it. If your gut is telling you to be her mom by Saturday, I’d listen to it.”
Greta dabs the tears that had formed in her eyes with her sleeve. “You really think I can do this?” she asks her. “Be someone’s mom?”
Jo nods. “I think this was meant to happen, Bird.”
—
Over the next few days, Greta learns many things about Lulu, one of them being her age. She told her she’s turning eight in February, so Greta had guessed right on her age.
If Vivienne noticed a change in Greta’s demeanor while she worked during the limbo period of making a decision about the child who unexpectedly came into her life, she didn’t say anything. Greta’s mind is constantly in two places at once. She’s recommending customers makeup that matches their complexion while trying to think of any other possible places for Lulu to go. And when she comes back home at the end of the day she’s greeted by Lulu and Jo, the child chatting up a storm to Greta, going on and on about her drawings, baseball, and drawings of baseball. She’s inching more and more closer to that line everyday, where any decision that wasn’t adopting Lulu became less likely to happen.
It’s Saturday when Greta realizes she’s already crossed that line several days ago.
Jo gives Greta some space to broach the subject with Lulu, stating she’s going out to get them some cokes. Sitting on her couch with Lulu, Greta breaks the silence.
“So…I’ve been thinking all week about this,” she starts to say. “And I think what’s best for you is for you to stay with me. That’s if you want to.”
Lulu’s eyes light up for a second, but she then appears uneasy. “Stay?” she asks. “For how long?”
“Permanently,” Greta clarifies. “Again, if you want to.”
Lulu’s smiling from ear to ear. “I want to.”
“I’ll have to fill out paperwork,” she explains. “And somehow convince the state that I’ll be a fit parent even though I don’t have a spouse.”
Originally, Greta was dancing around the subject, either because her nerves were high or saying the words out loud made them scary and real. Once she uttered the word “parent”, Lulu understood Greta’s intentions immediately and grew emotional.
“So you’re saying…” Lulu says. “That you’ll be my mom?”
Greta tucks a few loose strands of Lulu’s hair behind her ear. “That’s exactly what I’m saying.”
Lulu hugs her tightly. “I…thank you,” is all Lulu can say. She’s crying into Greta’s shirt now, and Greta is unsure if she should bring up the next fact about the adoption while Lulu’s emotional, but decides to do so nonetheless.
“Are you aware what has to happen for me to adopt you?” she asks her.
Lulu breaks from the hug, looks up at Greta and shakes her head.
“We’ll have to go back to the orphanage,” she says. “Explain where you’ve been, what has happened, and how I wish to adopt you.”
Lulu starts balling, fear appearing in her eyes. “No we can’t,” she cries. “There must be some other way.”
“Sweetie, you’ve been missing,” Greta explains. “I won’t be allowed to adopt a missing child. We have to make sure you’re accounted for.”
Lulu’s fear is so intense that she doesn’t see reason. “I-I don’t know. They’ll take me from you.”
“They won’t,” Greta assures her, pulling the child into her arms, comforting her. “I’ll be with you the whole time.”
Lulu sniffles. “Promise?” she asks.
Greta nods. “I promise.”
Lulu hugs Greta once more, but this time no tears fall. Instead, she gradually becomes calmer in Greta’s arms. They stay like that for some time, until Jo knocks on the door. Greta lets her back inside the apartment and she’s carrying a case of cokes for them to all share.
“So,” Jo says, looking at Lulu. The three of them sat at Greta’s round table, each with a coke in their hands. “Did she tell you? That I’m going to be an aunt?”
Lulu looks confused, not quite understanding what Jo meant, but Greta laughs.
“She means you, Lu,” Greta explains.
“Oh!” Lulu suddenly understands and smiles. “Yeah, I’ve never had an aunt before. Or…or a mom, really. It’s okay though cause I have ‘em now.”
It takes a bit for Lulu’s words to sink into Greta’s mind, but once it does she realizes she’s going to be someone’s mom. A world that she told herself would be impossible was now possible. She never imagined to ever get the chance to become a mother without a man being involved. Greta assumes this must mean it was fate.
—
Prior to Monday, Greta wasn’t aware how hard a seven year old could hold onto her hand, but now she has some idea. The exterior of the orphanage looks frightening. It’s an old, wide gray stoned building with a wrought iron fence and gate. The interior looks bland with no signs of life.
An old woman sits at the front desk. She’s wearing a habit and Greta realizes she’s a nun. Trying not to connect this moment with her memories with Carson in the convent, Greta clears her throat to announce her presence.
“I’m interested in adopting one of the children here,” she says.
The nun eyes her and Lulu suspiciously. “Your name?” she asks her as she takes out a notepad and fountain pen.
“Greta Gill,” she introduces. She realizes how risky this is, sharing her full name to a religious owned orphanage, but knows dealing with them would only be temporary. “I…this is the child I wish to adopt.”
The nun squints at Lulu. “She looks familiar,” she says out loud. “Lucy? The runaway…”
“Lulu,” the child corrects. “Louise. Louise McKay.”
Greta tries to pretend she didn’t just learn of Lulu’s surname right now.
“You found Louise,” the nun states, looking at Greta like she has three heads. “And you wish to adopt her?”
Greta nods. “Is that a problem?”
“We normally don’t have single women looking to adopt the children here,” she explains. “I assume you’re not married?”
There’s no point lying about it. “No,” Greta says.
“But,” the nun starts to say and Greta could feel her heart beating so fast she thinks it’ll burst. “If my math is correct, Louise, this is the third time you’ve run away. The chances of a married couple adopting her is quite low. I’m sure there won’t be a problem with you adopting this one, Miss Gill. That is if you’re sure…”
“Oh I’m sure,” Greta says.
Sighing, the nun hands a clipboard and a fountain pen to Greta. “There’s a lot of paperwork I’ll need you to fill out,” she says. “I’m going to connect you with one of our case workers. He’ll take over from here.”
Greta sits on a nearby bench with Lulu to fill out the forms.
“I’m sorry,” Lulu apologizes out of nowhere.
“What for?” Greta asks softly as she fills out the information.
“Not telling you I ran away two other times,” she explains. “I was caught the last two. I know it looks bad.”
“To them it does,” Greta tells her and gives her hand a comforting squeeze. “Not to me.”
“Oh,” Lulu takes a minute to contemplate Greta’s words. “Okay.”
They meet with the caseworker assigned to them shortly after Greta’s finished with the paperwork. His hair is blonde and neatly combed and he’s wearing a dark suit and tie.
“Miss Gill?” he addresses. “I’m Mr. Brooks, Louise’s caseworker.”
Greta stands and shakes his hand. “Nice to meet you, sir,” she says, putting on her best people pleasing face.
“Shall we discuss things further in my office?” he says as Greta nods. She takes Lulu’s hand and follows the man into his office.
The conversation in Mr. Brooks’s office seems to go on for hours, or at least that’s what it feels like to Greta. In reality, the actual time that passes by is more like an hour. Within said hour, they discuss filing the adoption papers with a lawyer and how that process would take months. In the meantime, Greta’s given a list of things Lulu needs for her guardianship to be approved.
“The furniture is supposed to arrive on Wednesday,” Greta explains. “I have a second bedroom that’s mainly being used for storage right now. That’s where her room is going to be.”
“Splendid,” Mr. Brooks says, a little bit uninterested. “As long as you have it by the end of the week.”
“Is that all?” Greta asks. “I can just bring her home with me?”
Mr. Brooks clears his throat. “We evaluate living situations on a case to case basis, ma’am,” he explains. “It’s best for Louise if she goes with you. Keeping her here while you’re gathering everything on the list is not a good idea with her track record of running away.”
Greta notices Lulu’s cheeks turn pink in embarrassment. “So, we’re all set?” she asks.
“Yes,” Mr. Brooks says. “You can go now. Bye, Louise.”
She decides to buy Lulu a new coat after leaving the orphanage to cheer her up. They stop at a store on the way home and Greta lets Lulu pick out the one she wants. Lulu chooses a navy blue cotton coat with black round buttons. More importantly, the lining on the inside would keep her warm.
Greta’s buttoning Lulu’s coat outside of the store when the seven year old speaks.
“They don’t even like me there,” Lulu says with a frown, obviously still hung up on the comments from the orphanage staff earlier.
“Well, it’s their loss,” Greta says. “Cause I like you.”
—
It took until about mid-January for Greta to feel a sense of normalcy kick in. Lulu now has her own room in Greta’s apartment, the caseworker visits had stopped, and Greta finally informed Vivienne of the changes in her life. The older woman actually was supportive, even giving Greta a list of people she recommends to watch Lulu while she’s working.
Greta ultimately decided to enroll Lulu in school for next fall since the new season’s spring training and tryouts start in a few months. She plans to bring Lulu with her to Chicago and then Rockford, and even take her on road trips. Technically, she doesn't know if she’s allowed to bring her child to games and live with her in Rockford, but she’s hoping a certain coach will allow it.
She knows Carson as a coach will allow Greta to bring Lulu with her, but she honestly is worried if their relationship will change because she has a child now. Greta remembers that conversation she and Carson had over pizza and how Carson mentioned not knowing if she wanted to have kids. Their relationship is already up in the air with Carson being married and the fact that she hasn’t heard from her since parting back in Rockford. Adding Lulu on top of all that makes everything more complicated, because now Greta’s child comes first. Or, Carson may not want to become a second parent to Lulu. Also, there’s the issue of her child not yet knowing of her secret, how she’ll react when she finds out her mother is…is queer . And even if Lulu’s fine with it, she’s burdened with keeping the secret. Greta sighs, realizing labeling the situation with Carson as complicated is an understatement.
It’s Saturday. Greta’s sitting at her round table with Lulu, tutoring her in English and Math. Since she’s never had a proper education, Greta’s trying to catch her up to her grade level as much as possible before the new school year in the fall. Her strengths are in English, as she already knew how to read somewhat from her interest in comic books.
They’re working on basic multiplication when Lulu groans. “Can we take a break?” she asks Greta.
Greta nods and shuts Lulu’s math notebook. “We can stop for today,” she says. “Do you want to come with me to get our mail?”
Lulu puts her pencil down and stands up. “Sure.”
She lets Lulu lead the way downstairs to the apartment mailbox, even lets her collect the mail and hand them to her.
“Mom!” she exclaims. “You’ve got a letter.”
Mom . Greta doesn’t think she’ll ever get used to someone calling her that. It was so surreal. She was someone’s mom .
She’s smiling until she sees the address on the envelope, and then she almost faints.
It read:
Carson Shaw
1256 Park Avenue, APT 2B
Chicago, Illinois 60101
Quickly, Greta pulls herself together for her daughter’s sake.
“Is that all for mail?” she asks her.
“Yep,” Lulu says, popping the ‘p’.
“Then let’s go back upstairs,” she says with a smile.
Greta doesn’t get a chance to actually sit down and read the letter until after she tucks Lulu into bed later in the evening. She’s sitting up in her bed dressed in her silk pajamas, her fingers caressing the stationary carefully as she reads Carson’s letter.
Dearest Greta,
My deepest apologies for not writing to you sooner. I have an explanation, but I want to start off this letter telling you how much you mean to me first. I’ve missed you…badly. So much so I lie awake at night imagining our reunion, imagining us having another night like in the convent where we…you know. I-well. I love you, Greta. Is it bad form to say I love you in a letter? Sorry if it is. But it’s true, I love you.
Now for the hard part. This is also something I should say to you in person, but you deserve to know (it’s also why I’m so late getting this letter in so it’s an explanation). Charlie saw us together when we were saying goodbye on the porch. I know this will cause you to worry so I’m just going to say it: he’s dead. I ended up staying in Rockford, he told me not to return to Idaho. A week later I get a phone call informing me that Charlie killed himself. Everyone else said it was shell shock from the war, but I blamed myself, thinking it was both that and the fact that his wife was unfaithful.
I had to settle things back in Idaho due to his death and then Lupe and Jess offered me to move into their apartment in Chicago with them. I fell into a depression shortly after. I felt immense guilt about what happened to Charlie. I wouldn’t get out of bed. Jess even poured a bucket of water on me to get me up one day.
It wasn’t until December that things started to get better. I got the news, as you’re probably aware of now, that another season is official. I get to see you again and I was beginning to see a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. On Christmas I had a dream about Charlie. I’m not religious so I think it was my conscious telling me this, but he appeared to me and said “stop torturing yourself, Car.” And that’s exactly what I was doing and realized I’m deserving of happiness. And so are you, Greta.
Life continues to go on, and it’s been hard. But hopefully things will get easier. I still want you, that is, if you still want me?
Nevertheless, I hope you’ve had a wonderful Christmas.
See you at Baker Field.
Yours,
Carson
PS: If you’re wondering how I got your address, I used some of my privileges as coach to obtain it from the managers. I hope you don’t mind!
Greta’s eyes are clouding with tears by the time she finishes Carson’s letter. She wasn’t expecting that . Her heart breaks for her love, what’s she been through all of these months without her. She carefully folds the letter back up and places it on her nightstand.
Turning off her lamp, Greta turns and lays on her side, trying to sleep. She’ll write back to Carson tomorrow. Given all of the heavy information in Carson’s letter, Greta decides then and there not to inform her lover of her child. At least for now.